Most mornings, once I get to work, I enjoy a nice, steamy cup of herbal tea. I get there before most people, so it is a quiet, peaceful way to start the workday. On the particular brand I drink, there are short quotes printed on the paper tabs. This week, one of those tabs read, “Love is an experience of infinity.” So much truth in such a simple statement, and it really hit home with me.
I think it is what I have hoped to help people understand with my writing… Love is not a switch to be turned on and off – It just is… It goes on and on no matter how much time passes…
When Bruce first died, my whole world stopped…
It was like we were cruising down the highway one moment, and suddenly stopped the next. We didn’t even get a chance to put on the brakes to slow down. It was more like hitting a brick wall – head on and at full speed… We went from 70 mph to 0 in an instant. If you can imagine the devastation that would result from such a crash, then maybe you can understand the grief that followed it.
When my world stopped, it took a few days to realize that the world outside had continued on as if nothing had happened… The birds sang. The ocean tides came and went. The sun rose and set. People went to work. People went jogging outside the window. They were laughing and playing and arguing… and living.
I struggled… How could they just keep on going as if nothing had happened? I wanted the world to stop… Just stop… Just for one minute! Just for a moment… Just honor and remember this man who had meant so much to me… This man whom I loved… This man who made up my world… I wanted to shout it out loud. I wanted to yell it from the mountain tops, “Stop! Please, just stop! Just give me a moment… Give him a moment… Just remember… Just for a moment.”
But I didn’t shout, and the world didn’t stop.
I tried to explain how I felt, and the people who cared listened… but they didn’t really get it. They tried… And they said all the “right things” which were supposed to help. I was told, “It will get better,” “Time will heal,” “You will move on in time,” and on and on the sayings went.
But those are just sayings… As time has passed, I must say that it really hasn’t gotten better; time has not healed anything… Not really… and move on from what? From loving him? From missing him? What is that even supposed to mean?
I didn’t and still don’t understand that thought process… Instead, I learned to take my grief to quiet place deep inside. I share it here with you, but that is about it… I don’t really talk about it very often and when I do, it is with a very select group of people.
The truth is my healing has been slow and not what I thought it would be… There is a part of me that will always be frozen in time… Observing life around me and deciding which parts I want to participate in and which I do not. I know how precious and fragile life is and how important it is not to waste a moment of it. This journey has left me feeling more courageous in my choices… And with a deep gratitude for each moment I get to spend with those I love.
The world will never stop for those we love… And we can never stop loving them… And each day the journey continues, and life becomes a little more real.
How do I live without your love?
One breath at a time…
~ Linda, December 2013
What about you? Did you experience that feeling of needing the world to stop? Do you ever feel like you are on the outside looking in? This journey is hard, but it is even harder to bear alone. I believe we are in this together. We are not alone. Please feel free to reach out and share your story or thoughts. To do so, go to the comments and leave a note. * Who knows? Your story may the answer for someone else.
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