Yesterday on Facebook, I read a question on La Vita è Bella… What is the percentage of friends and family members who are lost after the death of a spouse? The answers ranged from 25% – 90%… Reading the stories shared along with the numbers saddened me…
When Bruce passed away, I did a lot of reading about death and grief… I wanted to know what to expect. I wanted to know how to survive this path my life had taken. But mostly, I wanted someone to tell me how to make it stop hurting! I’m afraid, though, I really only found answers to the first question – what to expect.
I found a lot of information… What I learned was everything I read was not accurate for everyone. Each person writes from their own experience… And while some experiences are shared… others are not. I found myself reading everything… Not knowing what lay ahead, I wanted to be prepared.
Almost every book, article, website, etc. stated that relationships would change – some for the better and some not. Looking back, I don’t know why this was such a surprise… Even in my divorce years ago, I had found this to be true. Each of these authors also gave a warning – to expect your in-laws to fade out of your life…
This left me in a panic… I love my in-laws!
Bruce’s sisters were like my own sisters… We were constantly in contact with each other; we travel together; we share secrets… and we loved each other. And his parents… Oh my gosh! His parents have made me feel loved from the moment we met… I have called them “Mom” and “Dad” for as long as I can remember. We talked constantly and visited each other all the time… I loved them, too.
I had already lost Bruce… The idea of losing Bruce’s family too was more than I could handle. I remember when they were leaving after Bruce’s memorial… I shared what I had read and begged them not to lose touch… not to walk out of my life…
They chuckled at me (the same way Bruce did when he thought I was worried about nothing), hugged me and assured me they would never leave me behind… And they haven’t.
I have been blessed! Through the years, our relationships have not only remained intact – They have gotten stronger…
In fact, last weekend I went to Bruce’s parent’s home to attend their family reunion. In the days preceding the visit, I started getting nervous… Bruce and I always went to the reunions while he was alive, but this was my first time going alone… The more I thought about it, the more nervous I became.
What if I had misinterpreted the invitation? What if they had only invited me to be kind? Did they really want me there? Once I was there, what if they felt I was just a reminder that Bruce is gone? Surely, they must wonder why he is gone, and I am here… I know, I do.
But none of that played out. Instead, I found myself surrounded by people who love and miss Bruce as much as I do. It was so cathartic to be able to talk about him freely, cry when needed, and never once feel judged or like I was a nuisance. It was such a refreshing weekend, both emotionally and physically!
I miss Bruce… I miss him every day… That being said, I am so thankful I don’t have to miss his family, too… And for me, having these wonderful people in my life keeps a piece of Bruce in my life, as well. I am so thankful the experience I read about so long ago has not been my experience… And yes, I know I am blessed.
Learning to navigate through this journey really is different for everyone… For many of us, the changes in our relationships after our loss can be confusing and overwhelming. At a time when life is hard, these changes have the potential to make it harder. Learning to navigate these changes and appreciate the love we are offered is as individual as each relationship, and we move through it at our own pace and in our own way. If any of this feels familiar, we are here… You are not alone. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. *
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