Lately I have gotten hooked on an old series on Netflix, and while watching it this week, one of the characters’ fiancé dies. Admittedly, it was hard to watch, and what followed was equally hard to watch. Why? Because it was one of the most realistic depictions of loss and grief, I have ever seen Hollywood do.
In the series, she is absolutely devastated. At first, she can’t leave his side. She knows he is dead, but there was a need to stay there… There is a need to still touch him. The thought of letting go and walking away… To leave him there – alone… that is more than she can handle.
I get that…
In the next scene, she is laying on her bathroom floor. She lays there for what seems to be days. Her friends come and go. They all lay on the floor beside her. Some try to talk her out of feeling the way she does. Some tell her that her fiancé wouldn’t want her to do “this.” Some just lay beside her, letting her grieve – simply a support in the storm. And some are honestly perplexed about what to do or say.
One of her friends even tells her exactly that… That she wishes she knew what to do or say to make it better, because she cares… She loves her friend, and it is hard to watch her hurting. However, she doesn’t know how or what will make it better. So, for a while, they just lay there in silence.
Then, the girl who is grieving says, “I know everyone cares. I know everyone wants me to be okay. They need me to put it behind me and be okay. But I don’t know how to do that… I want to do it for everyone else, but I don’t know how to be that person.”
I get that… Boy, do I get that!
Finally, in one of the last scenes that I watched; she is in her kitchen cooking. It is obvious she has been cooking a lot. She looks around the room as if she has just realized where she is and what she has been doing. Then, in a dazed, confused voice she says, “I’ve cooked enough.” Yet, before the words are even out of her mouth, she opens the cookbook and starts another recipe.
That lost feeling… That feeling that you need to do something… anything other than stare at the wall… I get that too!
All those emotions hit so close to my heart…
I remember when Bruce died. I remember staying with him for hours while people came and went – always checking to if I was okay… If I was “ready” for the Medical Examiner to “take the body.” I hated that phrase. It sounded so cold. This wasn’t “a body.” It was Bruce! Didn’t they understand that just a few short hours before he was kissing me goodnight, and I was snuggled in his arms? No… I wasn’t “ready” to leave him. How can anyone be “ready”?
I remember coming home and feeling lost… totally bewildered about what to do next. Over the next few days, family and friends came and went. Some helped manage the house and feed all the guests. Others guided me through the process of funeral homes and paperwork. And still others just sat with me… I needed them all. I had no idea how to even breathe at that point, much less how to handle the “business” of death.
Over the next few weeks, I struggled with the idea that life just kept going. I needed the world to stop… just for a little while… just until I could catch my breath. But the world didn’t stop… And I didn’t know how to jump back in and keep going.
So, I did the only thing I knew to do… I went back to work… And I worked a lot. At first, I went into the office. However, facing people, talking to people, hearing their laughter in the hallway… It was all more than I could handle. So, I closed the world out for a while… literally. I started either closing the door to my office or I simply worked from home as much as possible. Then, I went about the work of staying very busy… mainly because I was too scared of what might happen if I dared to slow down or stop.
Those days were hard. Shoot, even now when I think about them, I realize how raw those emotions still are. I know it has been a long time since that night he died. I know I should “be over it.” But the truth is, it still hurts – some days less than others… But it’s always there – just under the surface.
So, if I am honest, I too would say, “I know everyone cares. I know everyone wants me to be okay. They need me to put it behind me and be okay. But I don’t know how to do that… I want to do it for everyone else… but I don’t know how to be that person.”
What about you? Do you know what I mean? Does any of that sound familiar? How about yourself? How did you initially handle the shock of your loss? Have you figured out how to be that person? Let us know… We would love to hear your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.
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