I know it is only February, but I have to be honest… This is already a hard year for me. Up to now, it has been a year of pushing and stretching and growing. That might sound a bit dramatic, but I just mean that I am working on me… And I don’t always like what I see. I know this is the hard part of therapy – the part where you have to really dig deep, take a close look, and try to genuinely figure out why you respond to life the way you do… or, for me, the way I do.
For me evidently, trauma has played a big part in my “why”. Like most of us, I have had my fair share, such as a tumultuous first marriage and the loss of a child. I think Bruce’s death, though, has been the hardest one for me. Maybe that is because, I still wrestle with guilt that I wasn’t able to save him that night, or maybe it is the loss of the other half of my soul – that someone who loved me in a way that I had never been loved before – total… complete… unconditional. I am sure it is all that and a lot more.
The bottom line is when he died my whole world was shattered… I was shattered… And if I let myself dwell on it too much, I can still feel just as shattered now as I was on day one. There have been people through the years who have tried to convince me that I shouldn’t feel that way… And it is usually followed by something like, “Be happy – he’s in a better place” or “Learn to be thankful in all things.” In other words, something meant to be positive and uplifting, but misses that mark by a mile. Instead, these are statements that only create more guilt and (in my case) a tendency to withdraw.
Like everyone else, I can’t help how I feel… Instead, it’s what I do with those feelings that I am working on…
This week, though, I heard something for the first time, that has really stuck with me… I was watching Lysa Terkeurst discuss the effects of trauma and loss. At one point, she stated that when her 20+ year marriage ended, she was shattered… She said she felt like a broken mess, and of course, so many people made comments that were meant to be encouraging, but instead instilled guilt because she couldn’t feel the way they wanted her to feel.
Oh my gosh! I know she was talking about different circumstances, but the feelings were the same! It caught my attention because:
1. I could easily relate to the feelings she was experiencing… That sense of failure for not grieving or managing traumatic events and emotions “correctly”.
2. I wanted to see if she had an answer on how to fix all of that.
Then, she made a simple statement… A statement that has brought me so much peace this week… She said that she felt she had been “shattered to dust”. (Yep… I get that… That is exactly how I feel so much of the time.) “But,” she continued, “God loved and created humans from dust, and there is encouragement to be found in that.”
I have to say, that little statement has meant so much to me… Let’s be honest. I don’t like feeling shattered and don’t want to feel like this forever. At the same time, I don’t need to feel guilty or like I have to “fix me” to satisfy anyone else. Instead, I can find solace in knowing that even when I am shattered, God is here beside me – not just loving me, but ready to create a new me from what feels like the shattered dust of my soul.
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Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone. Learning to function on this new path is hard. I don’t think any of us chose to be here, but this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined. Each time I think I have it all figured out; I find I don’t at all, despite the years since Bruce passed. Life is filled with challenges for all of us. For me, my goal is to look at this year before me and (intentionally) hold onto the joy and the hope life holds.
Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.
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