Well… I survived another year… Another year without Bruce… Another set of back-to-back special days. For those of you who have been on this journey for more than a year, you know that there are “special” days throughout the year that are just a little bit harder than other days, such as anniversaries, holidays, birthdays… I am sure you know what I mean.
For me, most of those “special” days fall back-to-back in the months of November through early January. It starts in early November with our wedding anniversary, then in quick succession there is Thanksgiving, my birthday, Christmas, the day we met, New Years, and the day Bruce died – all within ten weeks.
In years past, I wasn’t so sure I would survive. It was always completely overwhelming. Then, add on the fact that the rest of the world is truly celebrating, and I don’t want to be the one who brings everyone else down. So, I always tried to smile my way through it in public, while grieving in private. (I can’t say I was always successful with the public part… Although, I tried.)
While each year has had its own challenges, looking back, I can see a consistent pattern of me being able to manage the grief a little bit better each year. There was the first year when I ran away to the Keys and stayed on a yacht to avoid the whole Christmas season. Then, a year or two later, I can remember actually singing carols again… and enjoying them. There were the years when my grandson lived here, and I was able to focus on him the whole season… So, growth – slow, but steady.
I’m okay with that… It has been slow, but it has also been moving in a positive direction. Step by step… year by year, I have slowly found myself learning to live again within the spirit of the holiday season. I must admit, though, that it still has its challenges.
Today, as I finally find myself on the other side of all those special days, I have to admit, I am absolutely exhausted! The emotional toll has left me completely spent. I believe there is a term for it, although I just heard it for the first time a few weeks ago… “grief burnout”.
The Cleveland Clinic defines burnout as “physical, emotional or mental exhaustion, accompanied by decreased motivation and performance.” Oh my gosh!! That is exactly how I feel… Physically, emotionally, and mentally exhausted… to the point of not caring.
But… I have to care. Life keeps moving forward and so must I. So how do I do that??
I’ll be honest, after so many years of this, I knew it was coming. I knew how I would feel. While the rest of the world is spending January focusing on how to be a better person, I am just trying to come back from the tsunami of grief that has left me gasping for breath on the shore.
So… this year, I decided to have a plan… a self-care, self-love plan… A plan that gives me permission to rest for a while and not worry so much about new goals or resolutions. A plan that gives me permission to delay those for a month or two. Here is what I mean…
One of the big signs of burnout is fatigue. I am talking about the kind of exhaustion that makes it hard to even breathe, much less get up and do. So, my plan for the next few weeks is to rest… to do the things I can (or must) do, and not to worry about anything else. It will all still be there in a few weeks, and I will take care of it then. For now, if I want to go to bed one or two hours early, I will. Who cares? It isn’t hurting a soul, and I will definitely feel better in the morning.
Another sign of burnout can be apathy. For me, this means I need to be intentional about the things I am doing. It may (and usually does) mean I am doing a little bit less, but the things I choose to do are things I care about… Things that I believe matter or make a difference… Things that make me smile.
Lack of focus has been a big burnout symptom for me this year. Part of my daily routine is to meditate each morning. It helps me to get my mind into a good space before starting my day. However, the last few weeks I have struggled with this. Whereas I usually meditate for 30 minutes or more, I have been lucky to even sit still (much less meditate) for longer than 10 minutes. My brain just keeps going in 100 directions all at once. It has become a lesson in frustration every single morning. Yet, I haven’t quit.
I know that routine is an important part of gaining focus, so I am sticking with it. This morning, I even managed six minutes of meditation before my mind decided to take over. However, instead of worrying about the amount of time I didn’t meditate, I decide to be grateful for the six minutes that I did. (It’s all in the perspective, right?)
Finally, my daughter introduced me to an app for self-care. Its cutesy and colorful… and it makes me smile. It walks me through my daily goals and never makes me feel bad if I don’t hit each goal every day. Plus, we are able to support each other through our daily goals, by sending each other encouragement, hugs and “gifts”. So far, my goals have been very basic, I mean very basic – like “get out of bed”. I’m sure that sounds silly, but for right now, I’m so tired that this goal is harder for me than one might think.
I guess, because I had never heard the term “grief burnout” before, I never thought of this exhaustion and brain scramble as anything other than “grief brain”. Granted, most people use the term “grief brain”… Even I have used it many times.
However, I think the term “grief burnout” may work better for everyday language. Why? Because many people have never experienced deep grief before, so the term “grief brain” means nothing. Yet, most people have experienced burnout at some point, so it automatically becomes something they can understand… something that may feel less uncomfortable because it is something they can relate to… Maybe.
Anyway, no matter what words you use or if you use no words at all… If the holidays have left you feeling emotionally depleted, please, love yourself enough to give yourself the gift of self-care… You are worth the investment.
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Grief is a daily challenge that changes us in ways we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone.
I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.
Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone.
Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*
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