Tag: wishes

Peace, Love and Grief… Wishes

Christmas wishes… This is the time of year when wishes are made… and many come true. Children write letters to Santa, and adults make their wishes in other ways. However, for some of us, our wishes can never come true… What we want can never happen… And that is hard… It is hard to know that the one thing I want… The one thing I would give my life for… is the one thing I can never have.

What is that? … It is my constant “prayer” to Bruce… Each day it is different, but it is always there…

I wish you were still here… I wish I could still feel you near me… I would give anything to feel your arms around me… I wish I could hug you right now… I wish I could hear your voice again… I would give anything to have one more conversation… I would give anything to lay with you one more time… I want to feel your soft touch… To look into your eyes as I lay in your arms… Just one more sunrise… Just one more sunset… Just one more time… Just 5 more minutes…

All these things… This is what I wish for… everyday. But, this is what I can never have…

I am learning to move one. One day at a time, I am learning to move forward and live life again… But I still miss him… I think I will always miss him. He understood me… He knew everything about me – the good and the bad – and yet, he loved me anyway. He knew my deepest secrets, and he held me when the nightmares took my breath away. He protected me and our family. He believed in us… and in me… And he taught me to believe in myself.

Remember in the Christmas movie, A Christmas Story, how Ralphie was totally obsessed with wanting a Red Rider BB Gun? No matter what anyone said, his obsession remained… No one could deter him or make him change his mind. Well, I guess, I am the same… I know I can’t have what I want, but I still want it. Life goes one, but in my heart, I still want what I want.

There are days when I feel guilty for wishing he was still here rather than being thrilled with life as it is… (Yeah, okay, there was a little sarcasm with the “thrilled” part.) But seriously… for the most part, I do live life and love it. I do!
I am thrilled to still be alive.

This year was rough… I know it was a close call. To have survived a bout with cancer and still feel like I can live life to the fullest is amazing. I know the fact that I am still be here is a blessing that I do not deserve but am so thankful for.

Yet, my wishes are my wishes…

This week I have been blessed again… I was reminded that even Jesus had wishes. Granted, his were way more serious. He was being required to suffer so much… So much more than I could ever imagine. In the garden before his death, he prayed that “this cup be taken from him.” He knew the suffering ahead, and he wished it could be otherwise.

Maybe it is silly, but I have found great comfort this week in knowing that my Lord wished for his suffering to take a different path… And so, do I. It is comforting to know I am not alone in wishing for the suffering to just… not… be…

To know that God knows my pain… He understands my wishes… He doesn’t judge me… is comforting. In fact, to know that he understands me is beyond everything else. And while nothing will change my reality, there is great comfort in knowing that God understands all of that… Which means, I am not alone.

I won’t get my wish this Christmas… or any other Christmas, but I’m not alone.

And that means more to me than I can ever express.

This is a season of hope and joy… I feel all of that this year… And I pray that we might all find that in our own way.

What about you? Does any of this strike a chord with you? How does this season effect you? Do you also have wishes that you know can never come true? Maybe you have found a different way to cope… There is no one right answer. Who knows… you may hold the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

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Peace, Love and Grief… Precious memories

Wishes and Memories

I dance with you in my mind.
You hold me next to you.
I feel your heartbeat and the strength of your arms.
As the music plays, we move gently and gracefully as one.
Then it ends with a kiss
As I wish for one more dance.

I laugh with you in my dreams.
I see your sweet smile and your kind gentle eyes.
I hear you start to chuckle.
Your smile grows.
Then you wink at me
As I wish for more laughter

I make love with you in my heart
I feel your strength and your gentleness.
Your compassion and love flow through me with every touch
And each sweet kiss.
We become one in that moment.
I lay in your arms as you hold me close;
Gently kissing my lips, my eyes, my fingertips
As I wish for one more loving moment with you.

One more dance.
One more laugh.
One more chance to love you.

Then, I realize…
these moments are always with me.

~ Linda, September 14, 2013

Growing up I can remember my grandmother always referring to her “precious memories.” She always had a story about her boys or one of us – the grandchildren… and later her great-grands. She would smile, tell the story and always end it with a sigh and the words – “another one of my precious memories.” After my grandfather died, she would sit wearing his sweater for comfort and talk about her “precious memories” of the man who had shared her life and her soul for most of her life.

Now, I find myself understanding more and more what her life was like after my grandfather died and just how precious those memories are.

When Bruce first died, I was terrified I would forget something. It was so important not to forget anything. I felt like that would be the same as breaking a promise or being disloyal to him in someway. I wanted to remember every story and every detail. For example, the way his eyes twinkled when he had pulled one over on me and was waiting for me to catch on, or the way he would come up behind me in the kitchen and hug me from behind as he kissed my neck and watched me cook.

Such precious, precious memories…

In the first few years, I did a lot of things to “save” those memories… and don’t get me wrong – I am so glad I did. I did (and still do) a lot of writing. Whenever I remember a story, I write it down. I also took every email, note and card that I could find, put them in order and placed them in an album. I love reading those messages and remembering the feelings and stories surrounding each one. I have photo albums from pre-us (birth – mid 40s) up to just days before he died. I even kept his cell phone because it still has the last 2 weeks’ worth of text messages between us.

Preserving these memories was quite cathartic for me. I tried to be as creative as possible since that has always been my outlet in some form. Plus, it gave me something to do that kept me busy and felt important. Now I know, it was important and I am so glad I did it.

For a long time, though, it was hard to read or look at any of these without crying and spiraling down emotionally. Sometimes, I wondered if I was crazy. I wanted to read them. I wanted to remember. More important, I wanted to feel comfort from them. But instead, each time I found myself crying… Crying because I miss him… Crying for all that was lost… Crying because there would be no more “new” precious memories to fill these books. I couldn’t make it through more than a few pages without falling completely apart.

In my anxiety and struggle to remember, I was so caught up in the details that I found myself forgetting the joy that went with those memories… and that is the part that made them so precious. What I didn’t realize was the fact that because I love Bruce, the memories will be there. It was the love between our two souls that created those precious memories – not what time of day it was or the exact words we spoke.

But time and God have been on my side. I have learned to read these only while I can manage to smile. If I start to cry, I take a breath to see if I am spiraling down or smiling through the tears.

If I am crying without a smile, I stop. I know from experience that to continue will not be good for me at that moment. I know that I am focusing on the wrong things… the negative things… the concrete physical things that are gone. I know that the anger and distrust will follow if I don’t turn it around.

However, if I am still smiling through the tears, then I know I am okay. I may be sad but I am still thankful for that memory and that precious moment in time. I am focused on the love, joy and blessings that created our relationship.

That is my goal now… learning how to handle the memories… to appreciate those moments. I won’t lie, I wish Bruce were still here, but that can’t be. Instead I am growing and learning … Learning that as long as I have those “precious memories,” I will always have a part of Bruce in my heart and in my soul…

And I can never forget that…

Because this is our community, please feel free to share your thoughts and experiences, too. To do so, go to the comments and leave a note.*

Who knows… you may hold the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.