Christmas wishes… This is the time of year when wishes are made… and many come true. Children write letters to Santa, and adults make their wishes in other ways. However, for some of us, our wishes can never come true… What we want can never happen… And that is hard… It is hard to know that the one thing I want… The one thing I would give my life for… is the one thing I can never have.
What is that? … It is my constant “prayer” to Bruce… Each day it is different, but it is always there…
I wish you were still here… I wish I could still feel you near me… I would give anything to feel your arms around me… I wish I could hug you right now… I wish I could hear your voice again… I would give anything to have one more conversation… I would give anything to lay with you one more time… I want to feel your soft touch… To look into your eyes as I lay in your arms… Just one more sunrise… Just one more sunset… Just one more time… Just 5 more minutes…
All these things… This is what I wish for… everyday. But, this is what I can never have…
I am learning to move one. One day at a time, I am learning to move forward and live life again… But I still miss him… I think I will always miss him. He understood me… He knew everything about me – the good and the bad – and yet, he loved me anyway. He knew my deepest secrets, and he held me when the nightmares took my breath away. He protected me and our family. He believed in us… and in me… And he taught me to believe in myself.
Remember in the Christmas movie, A Christmas Story, how Ralphie was totally obsessed with wanting a Red Rider BB Gun? No matter what anyone said, his obsession remained… No one could deter him or make him change his mind. Well, I guess, I am the same… I know I can’t have what I want, but I still want it. Life goes one, but in my heart, I still want what I want.
There are days when I feel guilty for wishing he was still here rather than being thrilled with life as it is… (Yeah, okay, there was a little sarcasm with the “thrilled” part.) But seriously… for the most part, I do live life and love it. I do!
I am thrilled to still be alive.
This year was rough… I know it was a close call. To have survived a bout with cancer and still feel like I can live life to the fullest is amazing. I know the fact that I am still be here is a blessing that I do not deserve but am so thankful for.
Yet, my wishes are my wishes…
This week I have been blessed again… I was reminded that even Jesus had wishes. Granted, his were way more serious. He was being required to suffer so much… So much more than I could ever imagine. In the garden before his death, he prayed that “this cup be taken from him.” He knew the suffering ahead, and he wished it could be otherwise.
Maybe it is silly, but I have found great comfort this week in knowing that my Lord wished for his suffering to take a different path… And so, do I. It is comforting to know I am not alone in wishing for the suffering to just… not… be…
To know that God knows my pain… He understands my wishes… He doesn’t judge me… is comforting. In fact, to know that he understands me is beyond everything else. And while nothing will change my reality, there is great comfort in knowing that God understands all of that… Which means, I am not alone.
I won’t get my wish this Christmas… or any other Christmas, but I’m not alone.
And that means more to me than I can ever express.
This is a season of hope and joy… I feel all of that this year… And I pray that we might all find that in our own way.
What about you? Does any of this strike a chord with you? How does this season effect you? Do you also have wishes that you know can never come true? Maybe you have found a different way to cope… There is no one right answer. Who knows… you may hold the answer for someone else.
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