“Be still and know that I am God.” ~ Psalm 46:10
Springtime is always a time when the pace of life seems to pick up. The weather is more conducive for getting outdoors, and even in normal times, people are ready to get together again and just enjoy life. Last year, we were just starting to see the effects of the pandemic. Instead of getting together, most of us retreated in an effort to stay safe and healthy. This year, most of us admittedly are tired of the restraints, but still following them for the same reasons. (Yet, I yearn for some time with friends.)
In our house, though, life is still definitely picking up the pace. One of my daughters is getting married this summer, so there are plans and decisions to be made… And so many things to do, it makes my head swim. Because she is getting married, they are also building a house. Again, so many plans and decisions to be made, and so many things to do… And I’m just sitting on the sidelines! After a year of sitting quietly, this is busy!
These things they are working towards are exciting milestones in life, which means there are emotions attached, as well… Feelings of excitement and hope, (and sometimes stress and frustration). For me as a parent, they are also a reminder of doing those same things with Bruce… Our wedding, and the purchase of our home together here in Florida. Over the past few weeks, I have found myself crying tears of joy for them, and tears of grief for me… And usually all at the same time…
I have said many times in the past that grief is a maddening experience. It is. It is a time of struggle and emotional chaos. It is a time of trying to make sense of something that simply doesn’t make sense. Everything I thought I knew is gone, and I have spent the last 8+ years relearning how to live. That is maddening… That is grief.
Yet, I have done this long enough to know what I need to do… I just need to be still for a while…
I learned early on this journey that my spirituality was what I needed to build up in order to survive this loss. I had to explore what I thought I knew and find my own way in the dark. It has taken a long time, but I have worked hard to bring my heart and mind together to create a spirit of peace and love.
It wasn’t easy, though…
From the very beginning, despite my anger and distrust toward God, a certain verse ran through my mind constantly. This verse has never had any special significance for me in the past, so I have no logical way to explain it… I won’t even try. I simply believe I needed to hear those words, and they have been a true source of strength for me through the past eight years.
“Be still and know that I am God.“
I couldn’t get those words out of my head. I wrote them in my journal. I mulled over them in the quiet moments. They were a constant in the back of my mind, and despite my anger, I couldn’t make them go away. There was something there for me, I felt it. I was looking for some type of comfort… something to bring peace to my soul, and I came to believe that the secret was somewhere in these words. It was… but probably not in the way most people might think.
It wasn’t about church or religion. It wasn’t about “do’s” and “don’ts.” It was much deeper than that, and at the same time, it was much simpler… It was a simplicity I learned it by watching Bruce and reflecting on how he lived such a genuine life with no pretense or games.
First of all, Bruce was not a “church-goer.” (He would go if I asked, but it wasn’t his thing.) Instead, you could find him on any Sunday morning sitting in his lounge chair with his coffee and his Sudoku, watching Meet the Press. At the same time, I have never known anyone to live a life more true to the principles of God, acceptance, and unconditional love. He was a genuine man with a sweet, gentle spirit and a simple faith. I watched him place a cross in his pocket each morning and heard him pray every night. Then, he just lived what he believed – no sermons or lectures, no push for anyone to think his way. He just lived it.
To him, it was that simple. He never found God in a building… He believed God was found in how you lived your life… In how you chose to fill your heart. So back to that verse, “Be still and know that I am God.” It took me a while to figure out what I needed to get out of those words. For the longest time after Bruce died, I couldn’t even pray… I was too angry. I didn’t want to be still, and I certainly didn’t want to “hear” anything from God. (I wasn’t interested in anything he might have to say.)
Then one day, while reading one of Bruce’s books on philosophy and spiritualism, it hit me. This verse doesn’t say anything about God talking or me listening. It simply says to “be still.”
The only action required was no action. For me, that meant a practice of sitting quietly, breathing deeply and purposely not thinking. In other words, the practice of meditation… An action of clearing my mind; not filling it. It meant the age old practice of simply being in that specific moment. Then letting your breath carry you to the next moment and then the next… Nothing more.
That was exactly what I needed… And what I still need, especially now, in this season… to slow down… to be still. I know when I allow myself the time to be still, both physically and mentally, I automatically reconnect to my God. This is turn grows within me a connection of spirit and peace. It is not about religious rules or being good enough… It isn’t about the contentment of making the “right” decision or the longing for days long gone.
Instead, through those quiet, still moments, I have learned that I can let go of the chaos or sadness. I have learned that I can rest peacefully – trusting that God is sitting quietly beside me… holding me close – no more, no less. I believe that he is my Source, and this life as we see it, is not all there is. There is more… so much more. I just have to remember to take the time to be still… and know peace…
This grief journey has been one of the greatest challenges I have ever had. This journey has broken me down to the roots of my soul and has taken me years to feel some semblance of “normal.” I know it is easy to feel like this journey is nothing more than a very lonely path, especially since it is so different for each of us. Yet, our love for those we have lost is something we all share. I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.
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