“Hey, Babe! Guess what today is! It’s my “Happy Life Day.” Your mom just called me to say, “Happy Life Day.” I love her! … I miss you!” ~ Linda, March 2021
Today I got a call from Bruce’s Mom. She was calling to tell me “Happy Life Day.”
“What is that?” I thought, and just as quickly, she explained that three years ago today, I was given the scary news that I had breast cancer. Yet, here I am, three years later, alive and well and moving on… Happy Life Day!! (She knew what a big deal this has been… She had it marked on her calendar – not me.)
Bruce’s Mom (my mom by default) is such a sweet woman… such a dear friend! I can’t imagine how hard it must be… Her son is gone. He never had the chance to fight for his life. And yet, here I am… I was given the chance to fight. I was given the blessing of life… Happy Life Day!
It’s hard to live with the fact that Bruce wasn’t so lucky… He wasn’t given the chance to fight… I know… “survivor’s guilt” of a sort, I suppose. I know it’s hard for me… I can’t even imagine how his own parents must feel… I’m still here, while he is gone… The whole thing is just plain awful!
Earlier this week, though, I heard a phrase that caught my attention, “In order to leave something significant behind, you have to leave.”
That’s what Bruce did… at least for me. I have learned so much about myself, my faith, my views… all because of him… and the legacy he left in his wake.
There is a (huge) part of me that questions God all the time. “Couldn’t I have learned all this from him while he was still here? Did he really have to go for me to figure all this sh## out?” (Please excuse my language, but God knows I’m a bit rough around the edges and still a little bit angry about the whole “Bruce dying” thing.) Anyway, I don’t know… I don’t have an answer… He’s never given me one.
This path for me started months earlier… Just a few months before Bruce died, I got up in the middle of a church service, tears streaming down my face, because I had suddenly realized my faith wasn’t my own, and because of that, this church was becoming toxic (for me), rather than a blessing. I didn’t know what I needed to do, but I knew I couldn’t stay.
I remember coming home in tears. Bruce never asked a single question… He just held me while I cried. (And I cried so hard, I had two black eyes the next morning.) When I was finally able to vocalize what had happened, he just held me even tighter. I remember he told me that he knew my faith was important to me, I shouldn’t give up, and I needed to give myself the time and grace to figure it all out… And God would give me both.
He was right… It has taken years, and I am still on that path… And it is all because of him that I haven’t given up… I haven’t quit. It is all because of this wonderful man who knew and loved me enough to recognize my need for faith…
He knew me… And he knew I just needed some time…
Something he didn’t have…
Something he never got…
My faith tells me that I have to believe that is because his work here was done. (Although, I would still argue against that point.) However, he did have a huge legacy to leave behind… A legacy of faith and spirituality… A legacy of unconditional love and patience… A legacy I pray I can live up to… because I still love him… And as much as I can’t wait to be with him again… I am thrilled to be celebrating another “Happy Life Day,” and I will continue to fight to be here for as long as I am needed.
This grief journey has been one of the greatest challenges I have ever had. This journey has broken me down to the roots of my soul and has taken me years to feel some semblance of “normal.” I know it is easy to feel like this journey is nothing more than a very lonely path, especially since it is so different for each of us. Yet, our love for those we have lost is something we all share. I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.
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