Tag: journey

Peace, Love and Grief… Where are the dreams now?

Reality
I know that you’re not coming back.
I know that even though I wish it weren’t true,
you are gone.
I know…
But it is a bitter pill to swallow.
~ Linda, March 20, 2015

This week’s blog is an extension of last week’s… but then again, that only makes sense since that is the way of time.

Last week I talked about Bruce’s birthday and the dream we had of retiring when he turned 55… This would have been that year. It was supposed to be our time… our dream. But life doesn’t always happen the way you plan it.

I had to go back to work on Tuesday, just like any other day. I woke up, I wrote in my journal, I did my meditation and I worked out. Then I got dressed and drove to work just like any other day… But it wasn’t any other day. It was the day that marked the end of a dream. I walked through the doors at work, greeted the security guard, unlocked my office door and sat down to my computer. However, everything in me was screaming, “NO!!” This wasn’t how it was supposed to be… I wasn’t supposed to be there. This was not what we had planned.

When we met, Bruce and I shared a dream. (I believe it was a part of our initial attraction.) We both wanted to retire on a boat and sail the Caribbean. I used to laugh and tell him that he could be my “cabin boy.” He would laugh right back and tell me that he couldn’t think of a better way to spend his days. I loved that! He didn’t care if I was the “Captain” – he just wanted to be together. Who wouldn’t fall in love with that?!

We spent many weekends looking at yachts – deciding what we wanted and what we didn’t. He used to laugh that we would need an entire separate boat just for my shoes… He was probably right! : )

He was such a thinker… always coming up with ideas for growing a garden on board, a “boat” solar-powered treadmill for me to have a place to run and any other way to make it uniquely “ours.” He spent hours studying ports and pirates, customs and currents. In other words, he got serious about how to actually make our dream come to life. Our dream was real for both of us, and I didn’t doubt that we would really do it one day.

When we bought our current home, I did worry just a little bit. In fact, I questioned Bruce if our dream was just that… a dream. After all, now we had a house and all the responsibilities that go with it. He just smiled and told me that dreams always have a way of coming true… after all – we had found each other.

Then one night… in a breath… in one moment of time, he was gone, I was alone, and our dream was no longer.

I knew it. Over time, I thought I had accepted it. I certainly understood it. I have done the figures and calculations… I know how much longer I need to work before I can retire. (That time-line changes when there is only one person to contribute to the budget.) Logically, I got it… I was aware of the reality of my situation. My world was real and our dreams were gone.

But how does one live – I mean REALLY live – without a dream? Is that living? That is where I found myself on Tuesday. Walking through the motions of my life and realizing that without a dream, what was the purpose? What was the point?

Bruce is gone. He isn’t coming back no matter how much I wish for it. Our dreams are gone too… but my life isn’t over. I don’t want to spend the rest of my days just going through the motions. I want a life with purpose. So while I have spent the remainder of this week mourning the loss of Bruce AND our dreams, I have also come to realize that I must look deep inside myself and find a new dream… a new purpose.

This week has been hard. I have smiled in public and pretended that all was well. However, on the inside, I have been lost… totally and completely lost. I hear this is normal… all couples share dreams and when one is gone, the dreams are gone. It is up to each of us to determine how to keep going.

I’m not sure exactly what my next dream will be but I have the glimmer of an idea that makes me smile. That alone leads me to believe I am on the right path. Life has a way of opening and closing doors, so for now, I will follow my heart, go where life leads me… and pray for the courage to keep moving forward.

I share my thoughts this week praying that if someone else is feeling the same way, they will realize that it is never too late to dream… And dreams are what give our lives purpose.

The Promise
A bird hops through the grass.
A grapevine gently bounces in the breeze.
The raindrops left on the grass from last night’s rain
sparkle in the morning sun.
The ants are already busy scrambling to and fro.
It is a new day;
Full of promise.
Let me open my heart and see the beauty that surrounds me.
Let me accept the promise of today
and hold it to my heart
so I can live each moment as it comes.
~ Linda, September 29, 2014

Because this is OUR community, please feel free to share your thoughts and experiences, too. To do so, go to the comments and leave a note.

Who knows… you may hold the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love and Grief… Be still and know…

My heart struggles to reconcile itself with what my mind knows is real.
~ Linda, October 24, 2013

Last week I said that grief is a maddening experience. It is. It is a time of struggle and emotional chaos as I try to make sense of something that just doesn’t make sense. Everything I thought I knew is gone. I have to relearn how to live. THAT is maddening… THAT is grief.

Each person experiences this differently and has to find their own way… no two are alike. For me, my grief journey ran parallel to my spiritual journey. But since I only have one life… isn’t it all the same? It isn’t like I can travel two paths at once. I learned rather quickly that I am on one path… it is called “life” and it includes many lessons. It is up to me to explore each one and to bring them all together in a way that makes sense for me. This is MY life… this is MY path. This is how I am learning and growing as I work to bring my heart and mind together to create a spirit of peace and love.

From the very beginning, despite my anger and distrust toward God, a certain verse kept running through my mind. This verse has never had any special significance for me in the past, so I have no logical way to explain why it was there… I won’t even try. I simply believe I needed to hear those words in order to survive.

“Be still and know that I am God.”

I wrote them in my journal. I mulled over them in the quiet moments. They were a constant in the back of my mind. And despite my anger, I couldn’t make them go away. There was something there for me – I felt it. I was looking for comfort… something to bring peace to my soul. I came to believe that the secret was somewhere in these words. It was… but probably not in the way most people might think.

It wasn’t about church or religion. It wasn’t about “do’s” and “don’ts.” It was so much deeper than that.

I grew up in the church, directed church choirs, taught Sunday School and even taught in a parochial school for years. God and religion had always a part of my life. However, many years ago, (before Bruce passed away), I chose to walk away from organized religion and seek my own spiritual path to God. It has been a long road. It’s probably no surprise, but Bruce’s death really tried my faith in so many ways that I almost walked away from my faith completely. But his life, his death and the struggles that followed have led me to a faith that I know without a doubt is completely mine. It is not based on what others tell me to think or do. It is not based on rules. It is much more simple. It is merely a philosophy and a way of living my life with God as my source of energy.

I know it may sound crazy. After all, how can spiritual matters be so simple? But I came to this point by watching Bruce and reflecting on how he lived such a genuine life with no pretense… no games.

You would not find Bruce at church on a Sunday morning. Nope… On Sundays, you could find him sitting in his lounge chair with his coffee and his Sudoku watching Meet the Press. But I have never known anyone to live a life more true to the principles of God, acceptance and unconditional love. He was not a complicated man. He had a sweet, gentle spirit and a simple faith. I watched him place a cross in his pocket each morning and heard him pray every night. Then he just lived what he believed – no sermons or lectures, no push for anyone to think his way. He just lived it. To him, it was that simple.

So back to those words that kept going through my head, “Be still and know that I am God.” I kept trying to figure out what I needed to get out of those words. For a long time after Bruce died, I couldn’t even pray… I was too angry. I didn’t want to be still, and I certainly didn’t want to “hear” anything from God. (I wasn’t interested in anything he might have to say.)

One day, though, while reading one of Bruce’s books on philosophy and spiritualism, it hit me. This verse doesn’t say anything about God talking or me listening. It simply says to be still. It was describing meditation – a practice of sitting quietly, breathing deeply and purposely NOT thinking. It is about clearing your mind; not filling it. It is an age old practice of simply being in that specific moment. Then letting your breath carry you to the next moment and then the next.
That was exactly what I needed… to slow down… to be still. As I started a daily practice of meditation, my anxiety lessened and my peace grew. By learning to be still, both physically and mentally, I learned to reconnect to my God. But this time it is different… it is a connection of spirit and peace. It is not about rules or being good enough… those aren’t even concerns. As Wayne Dyer says, it is about the fact that I am “a spiritual being having a physical experience; not a physical being having a spiritual experience.”

Through those quiet, still moments, I have learned to let go of my anger. I am learning to trust God again. I believe that he is my Source, and this life as we see it, is not all there is. There is more… so much more.

Do I believe everyone thinks this way? Of course not.

Do I think they should? That’s not my call… it is up to each person how they choose to think and live.

However, if you are struggling with grief or loss, meditation may be a simple way to regain a part of your life. It has nothing to do with religion… These practices are a physical exercise like running or walking.

So how will it help? Meditation and deep breathing have been proven scientifically to reduce anxiety and stress. People use it everyday, including performers, therapists, etc. In fact, one of the big quotes making the rounds today is “Just breathe.” Why? Because it is true… it works.

When we suffer the loss of anything important or significant in our lives, (even when we know logically it may be for the best), our anxiety goes up. Physically, it means our blood pressure goes up, our adrenaline goes up and the flow of blood to our brain goes down. Our ability to focus and think rationally decreases. Does this happen to everyone? In varying degrees, the answer appears to be yes.

For me, meditation has been invaluable. It has helped me to regain peace, focus and composure, even on those “bad” days when the grief is more than I think I can bear. All I need to do is breathe… meditate… and just let go.

I have learned to be still and know…

Peace…

 

This is my story but this is our community… the place to share our experiences. To share your story or thoughts, please go to the comments and leave a note, comment or question.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love and Grief… Something unexpected

Happiness is not a destination;
It is a way we can choose to travel on this journey called life.
~ Linda, September 29, 2013

Originally I had a completely different idea for this week’s blog. However, as you know, life takes its own path and has presented something new this week. Since this blog is about sharing my journey, openly and honestly, this is something I feel compelled to share.

Last week I talked about the different emotions we all encounter on this journey. Up until now, those emotions have come in waves… sometimes as tsunamis. Some days I am drowning and other days I manage to stay afloat. This week, however, was completely different… a complete surprise.

I started keeping a journal when Bruce passed away, I think my entry this morning, may be the best way to share this week’s experience with you…

Hi Babe,

A few tears last night and this morning… I miss you. I wish you were still here. I rearranged the pillows on the bed last night so I could try to sleep in our “snuggle” position. It helped a little… but your breathing was missing, your body heat was missing and the way you would pull me close and gently stroke my arm and back were missing. Actually, it was all missing…

I’m glad I went to the grocery store last night so I don’t have to go anywhere today. Three weeks of steady, non-stop go go go… I need a day to get out of my head and into my soul to reconnect with me. There is so much going on right now. I need today so I can slow down and regroup. I have been traveling so much and today I need to be in our space. I need some space and time to cry and write and think about us. I miss you… I miss us. This is one of those days when I just want my life back.

(Up to now, this probably sounds familiar doesn’t it? Ever have those days? Keep reading; this is the good part!)

I’ve actually had a whole week of good days! Seven days in a row – THAT is a first!! : ) I think that is progress. I still missed you everyday; I still thought about you constantly, but I wasn’t crying – there was a peace and even happiness with myself. It’s hard to explain… it wasn’t a “happy-go-lucky, love-that-all-this-happened” kind of happiness. It was more of a “I-like-the-direction-I-am-taking-with-my-life” kind of happiness. I can’t change what has happened, but I can create something good out of something bad and THAT is a miracle.

Does that even make sense? So many times there is a guilt associated with being happy – as if I am never allowed happiness again in this lifetime… but that isn’t me. Before you died, I was a very happy person… Shoot, I am a happy person – it’s just part of who I love to be. However, whenever someone has said, “You’re doing so well.” I have felt guilty. I want to say, “No, wait!” I have felt the need to explain that was really not accurate… I still cry… a lot… just not in front of everyone. I’m not really “doing so well.” I’m just better at keeping it to myself.

No more guilt. I am thankful for the days when I feel good. I don’t need to worry if that is “okay” with someone else or what they think of it. It doesn’t matter if they understand that “happy” has a slightly different meaning now. It is good for me, and I know you want me to be happy… Heck, you did everything in your power to make me happy every moment we were blessed to spend together.

I do still miss you and I do still cry. (Today is one of those days.) But it’s okay to feel happy again. It takes nothing away from us, who we were or how much I still love you… It’s a good thing.

I love you, Babe! Always and forever! xxxooo

This was a first for me… to be blessed with so many good, genuinely happy days in a row. I never thought this would happen for me, and I bet there are a lot of people out who have either been here or are still waiting. Either way, if this is to be a community where we share our experiences in order to help each other, then don’t hesitate to share yours. Please, go to the comments and leave a note, comment or question.

Also, while this blog is weekly, I have added a Facebook page of the same name for daily motivations. Just something quick and fast to lift our souls.
www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief