Courage…
I’m trying so hard to be brave…
But I don’t feel brave.
I don’t want to face tomorrow.
I don’t want to wake up alone.
I don’t want another day without you.
I am so thankful for the memories.
I just wish they weren’t memories…
I wish they were now…
~ Linda, February 13, 2015
Earlier this week as I started thinking about what I wanted to write, I knew it would be hard. Anyone grieving knows that holidays are always hard… and this week’s holiday was one specifically designed for lovers and soulmates. How was I going to write anything that might help or encourage anyone? I wasn’t feeling it. My first thought was to just keep it simple and share some highlights from my journal. However, that all changed when received a meme with a reminder that made me laugh. Let me explain…
With my first marriage, I converted to the Roman Catholic faith and even spent many years teaching in a wonderful, small town, Catholic school. One of the things I loved about the church were the Saints and their stories. According to the tradition I was taught, St. Valentine was thrown to the lions by the Romans as punishment for performing Christian marriages for Roman soldiers.
That story always stuck with me and my kids. In fact, somewhere through the years we started calling Valentine’s Day, “Don’t-Get-Eaten-By-Lions” Day. Don’t ask me why. We weren’t trying to be sacrilegious; it is just our silly brand of humor. So, when I saw the meme and a message that said, “And don’t get eaten by lions.” I laughed… Just that thought holds such precious memories for me. However, on Valentine’s morning, I woke up and realized (once again) that those “lions” are real.
My first “lion” greeted me as soon as I woke up. I had just dreamed that Bruce and I were riding in his truck talking and laughing. It was wonderful! (I love those dreams, and I cherish every one of them when they come along.) When the alarm went off, I didn’t want to wake up. I was so happy in my dream. I just wanted to stay there… forever… just holding his hand and laughing with him. But all dreams end, and I had to wake up.
All morning, all I could think about was how much I miss Bruce… I would give anything to be in his arms again where I always felt loved and secure. I didn’t want to face the reality of the day… I didn’t want to face yet another Valentine’s Day alone.
Don’t get me wrong, people are wonderful and always send me reminders that I am loved and not alone – candy, cookies, flowers. I cannot begin to express how much I appreciate their genuine kindness on such a tough day. In fact, this year one of my daughters and her fiancé even went so far as to rename the day “Madre-tine Day.” They gave up a romantic night alone and took me out so I wouldn’t be alone… So, I’m not kidding – I really do feel loved. However, that morning was still a bit tough as I strove to face my reality… I knew it was time to face the “lions” around me.
People respond to death in different ways, and I realize that some people may believe I should be “over this” by now… Some may feel I should be used to being alone by this time, while others may just be uncomfortable with my grief. I get it… But I am who I am and I feel what I feel… My reality is my reality and I am the one that has to figure it out. Honestly, the reality is loss doesn’t come with an “off” switch for love. I wish it did, but it doesn’t… And on this day, I had to face the “lions.”
So… What were my lions that I needed to face? For me, it was spending a day that is all about love without the one person who loved me completely… that felt like the emotional equivalent of being in the lions’ den. My problem was I had to decide if it was worth the effort to fight for survival or just give up and be consumed by the sadness I felt.
I always start my day with meditation and reflection. So, as I lay there quietly reflecting, I decided to focus on the love around me. Shoot, even if it wasn’t directed at me, it is still a beautiful thing to behold. Each time I saw someone receiving flowers or a couple embracing, I found myself smiling as I thought about Bruce and I. Even if Bruce wasn’t here – even if I am alone, this could still be a day about us and the love we still share.
There have been years when I have bought myself a present “from Bruce.” Not this year, though. This year I knew I had already received the best gift I would ever get – my dream… time and laughter with Bruce. There was no need for anything more since nothing could compare with that.
So, throughout the day, I decided to breathe and seek clarity as I needed it. I decided not to fight or run from the “lions” around me. Instead, I took the time to stop, breathe and separate my sadness from my truth… And honestly, the day ended up being quite wonderful. Dinner was absolutely fantastic. In fact, as I reflected on the night, and how spoiled and completely loved, I was feeling I realized something…
Love is not chocolates or roses or teddy bears… And it is not bound to only one day. No… Love is in the little moments. And I am learning that it is never-ending… It is constant throughout time.
I will always remember you, Babe. I will always celebrate us. Just like my dream, our love existed in the simplest moments of time spent together laughing, smiling and just enjoying each other… that is love. Because I still feel your love, I can choose to slow down, remember and draw on the strength of those beautiful moments together. There is a peace there I will always treasure.
So, I chose peace this year… I chose to ignore the “lions,” and submerge myself in love – not just ours, but all of the love around me.
This is my story this week, but this is our community… a place to share our experiences. How did your Valentines Day go without your loved one? How did you handle it? Would you be willing to share your story or your thoughts… Who knows… your words may hold the answer for someone else. To share your story or thoughts, please go to the comments and leave a note, comment or question.
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