Tag: Valentine’s Day

Peace, Love and Grief… Valentine’s Day: A Day with the Lions

Courage…

I’m trying so hard to be brave…
But I don’t feel brave.

I don’t want to face tomorrow.
I don’t want to wake up alone.
I don’t want another day without you.

I am so thankful for the memories.
I just wish they weren’t memories…
I wish they were now…

~ Linda, February 13, 2015

Earlier this week as I started thinking about what I wanted to write, I knew it would be hard. Anyone grieving knows that holidays are always hard… and this week’s holiday was one specifically designed for lovers and soulmates. How was I going to write anything that might help or encourage anyone? I wasn’t feeling it. My first thought was to just keep it simple and share some highlights from my journal. However, that all changed when received a meme with a reminder that made me laugh. Let me explain…

With my first marriage, I converted to the Roman Catholic faith and even spent many years teaching in a wonderful, small town, Catholic school. One of the things I loved about the church were the Saints and their stories. According to the tradition I was taught, St. Valentine was thrown to the lions by the Romans as punishment for performing Christian marriages for Roman soldiers.

That story always stuck with me and my kids. In fact, somewhere through the years we started calling Valentine’s Day, “Don’t-Get-Eaten-By-Lions” Day. Don’t ask me why. We weren’t trying to be sacrilegious; it is just our silly brand of humor. So, when I saw the meme and a message that said, “And don’t get eaten by lions.” I laughed… Just that thought holds such precious memories for me. However, on Valentine’s morning, I woke up and realized (once again) that those “lions” are real.

My first “lion” greeted me as soon as I woke up. I had just dreamed that Bruce and I were riding in his truck talking and laughing. It was wonderful! (I love those dreams, and I cherish every one of them when they come along.) When the alarm went off, I didn’t want to wake up. I was so happy in my dream. I just wanted to stay there… forever… just holding his hand and laughing with him. But all dreams end, and I had to wake up.

All morning, all I could think about was how much I miss Bruce… I would give anything to be in his arms again where I always felt loved and secure. I didn’t want to face the reality of the day… I didn’t want to face yet another Valentine’s Day alone.

Don’t get me wrong, people are wonderful and always send me reminders that I am loved and not alone – candy, cookies, flowers. I cannot begin to express how much I appreciate their genuine kindness on such a tough day. In fact, this year one of my daughters and her fiancé even went so far as to rename the day “Madre-tine Day.” They gave up a romantic night alone and took me out so I wouldn’t be alone… So, I’m not kidding – I really do feel loved. However, that morning was still a bit tough as I strove to face my reality… I knew it was time to face the “lions” around me.

People respond to death in different ways, and I realize that some people may believe I should be “over this” by now… Some may feel I should be used to being alone by this time, while others may just be uncomfortable with my grief. I get it… But I am who I am and I feel what I feel… My reality is my reality and I am the one that has to figure it out. Honestly, the reality is loss doesn’t come with an “off” switch for love. I wish it did, but it doesn’t… And on this day, I had to face the “lions.”

So… What were my lions that I needed to face? For me, it was spending a day that is all about love without the one person who loved me completely… that felt like the emotional equivalent of being in the lions’ den. My problem was I had to decide if it was worth the effort to fight for survival or just give up and be consumed by the sadness I felt.

I always start my day with meditation and reflection. So, as I lay there quietly reflecting, I decided to focus on the love around me. Shoot, even if it wasn’t directed at me, it is still a beautiful thing to behold. Each time I saw someone receiving flowers or a couple embracing, I found myself smiling as I thought about Bruce and I. Even if Bruce wasn’t here – even if I am alone, this could still be a day about us and the love we still share.

There have been years when I have bought myself a present “from Bruce.” Not this year, though. This year I knew I had already received the best gift I would ever get – my dream… time and laughter with Bruce. There was no need for anything more since nothing could compare with that.

So, throughout the day, I decided to breathe and seek clarity as I needed it. I decided not to fight or run from the “lions” around me. Instead, I took the time to stop, breathe and separate my sadness from my truth… And honestly, the day ended up being quite wonderful. Dinner was absolutely fantastic. In fact, as I reflected on the night, and how spoiled and completely loved, I was feeling I realized something…

Love is not chocolates or roses or teddy bears… And it is not bound to only one day. No… Love is in the little moments. And I am learning that it is never-ending… It is constant throughout time.

I will always remember you, Babe. I will always celebrate us. Just like my dream, our love existed in the simplest moments of time spent together laughing, smiling and just enjoying each other… that is love. Because I still feel your love, I can choose to slow down, remember and draw on the strength of those beautiful moments together. There is a peace there I will always treasure.

So, I chose peace this year… I chose to ignore the “lions,” and submerge myself in love – not just ours, but all of the love around me.

This is my story this week, but this is our community… a place to share our experiences. How did your Valentines Day go without your loved one? How did you handle it? Would you be willing to share your story or your thoughts… Who knows… your words may hold the answer for someone else. To share your story or thoughts, please go to the comments and leave a note, comment or question.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

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Peace, Love and Grief… Not Just Another Day

I really miss him this week…

It’s weird… Some weeks are just harder than others… Like this week. There’s no reason, really. I can’t even blame it on Valentine’s Day. To be honest, I totally forgot about Valentine’s Day until about 4:30 pm on the 13th. Which resulted in my grandson and I (and all the other last-minute people) hunting for just the right cards and candy from what was left on the shelf. (Which was just another ridiculously funny story in itself.) It was all fine though… We both seemed to find exactly what we wanted quite quickly and the evening continued.

This is where it gets strange (at least, for me). In the past, I would spend the days before every holiday dreading it… Not just dreading the pain I knew I would feel, but also wishing the day would pass by quickly, or even better, just go away.

Even last year, I spent several days leading up to any holiday anxious and grieving and absolutely dreading what I “knew” was coming. But then the day would come (and go), and it was never as bad as I thought it was going to be. The energy wasted would leave me emotionally drained for days… and for WHAT??

Without fail, someone always remembers me and makes me feel special.

Then there is this year… As I have written over the last few weeks, I have been learning to do the whole “let it go and be at peace” thing. So, this holiday was my first inclination that it is working and just how different my life has become. I have been learning to live each moment as they come – not being anxious about something ten steps ahead that I can’t avoid anyway.

So, when I finally did remember about Valentine’s Day, my thoughts went to helping my grandson celebrate the day and send love to the special people in his life… And by doing so, I got caught up in the thrill of doing the same.

When I woke up on Valentine’s Day, it was fine… I was fine… I knew I was okay. Sure, there were a few tears… Not because I was worried about being forgotten… It was simply a matter of missing him. (And those are tears I have learned to control.) So, I let myself cry in the shower just a little bit before I moved on with my day.

I get to work fairly early. Yet when I walked in, the office was already filled with balloons and flowers waiting on the desks of most of my co-workers… It made me smile… Knowing what it feels like to love and be loved, I can’t help myself when I see those same feelings being expressed by others.

But the biggest surprise was on my own desk… an “I love you” balloon and a beautiful bouquet of flowers… And the tears came… I hadn’t even realized they were waiting, but I guess they were. To be remembered… To be reminded you are loved (even when you already know it in your heart) is a precious thing!

It is something Bruce did a lot! And I don’t believe I ever took it for granted. I had spent too many years in a marriage where love didn’t exist. So, when I met Bruce… And when we fell in love, it was incredibly precious to me… And still is. I think that is why, six plus years later, he is still on my mind and in my heart… especially this week.

My heart is still his… Happy Valentine’s Day, Babe! I love you… always and forever!

I felt you today.
I felt the warmth of your smile,
And it made me laugh…
Thank you!
~ Linda, January 2018

What about you? We all know the holidays can magnify our grief and our loss is front and center again in our lives. How do you handle that? Do you struggle to keep peace in your heart? Do you accept it and just let the tears fall? This journey is hard, but it is even harder to bear alone. I believe we are in this together. We are not alone. Please feel free to reach out and share your story or thoughts. To do so, go to the comments and leave a note. *

Who knows? Your story may the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Three Little Words

I will admit, this week had its moments. For the most part, I was fine… I was able to shove my emotions to the back and push forward through each day. (Maybe not the healthiest but it got me through.) But, let’s be honest, this week was all about love and relationships. If you went out in public at all, you know it was impossible to ignore… And when the person you love is gone, it is even harder to smile through the celebration.

It was sweet to watch my grandson prepare each Valentines card for his classmates. I was even able to smile as my friends at work received roses from their “significant others.” I was truly happy for them – I remember the joy of knowing there was someone in my life who loved me and wanted the world to know, as well. However, those same sweet moments also have a way of reminding me of all I have lost, which in turn tends to bring tears to my eyes…

I may have told this story before. Please excuse me if I have, but this week finds me reminiscing…

Bruce and I met on a 100-year-old sailing schooner in the Virgin Islands during the week between Christmas and New Year’s. I can’t tell you why, but we connected almost right away. When the week ended, we both went our separate ways, but neither of us were sure what the future would hold.

During the weeks that followed, we talked and/or emailed daily… The relationship was new… There were a lot of miles between us… We were still trying to figure this out… Or at least, I was. (He always said he knew that week on the ship.)

Several weeks later on Valentine’s Day, I watched as roses and candy were delivered to the other teachers in my school. I hadn’t really expected anything… The relationship was too new, but the romantic in me still wished. At the end of the day, I was called to the office for a pick up.

In true “Bruce” style, he had not sent anything traditional. Instead, he sent an “island bear” holding a dozen roses and a note that read, “Happy Valentine’s Day! I hope you like the ‘Island Bear.’ He is going to look great on our boat in the islands!” It was perfect! He hadn’t done anything “traditional” … Instead, he had put some real thought and feeling into this… It wasn’t anything “normal,” which made it exactly perfect for us.

Two days later, I found myself on an airplane heading to Michigan for the holiday weekend. We both knew we needed to figure out what “this thing” between us really was. While he had offered to come south to see me, I had nixed that idea. I lived in a small town at the time. I knew if we wanted any privacy or time alone to figure things out, my town would not be the place. So instead, I was flying north… And I was terrified.

What if he wasn’t the nice guy he portrayed? What if things went sour right away? What if…? What would I do?

I’ll never forget, getting off that plane and walking down the ramp. (I was so scared!) But, there at the end of the ramp, was the man I remembered – leaning against the wall and smiling at me with all the tenderness I had remembered. He took my bag and tossed it in the back of his truck as we headed to dinner. Then after dinner, we headed to my hotel, said our good-nights and made plans for the next day.

The next day was quite an adventure for me… Bruce had hoped to fulfill one of my childhood fantasies and take me for a sleigh ride, but there wasn’t enough snow on the ground. (However, he did make good on that promise a couple of years later… also for Valentine’s Day.) However, that day he took me to see Lake Michigan (icebergs and all) and an ice carving competition through the center of town. Afterward, we warmed up with some spiced rum and cider in a cozy water-front pub. It was a magical day! By the end of it, we both knew…

That evening as we were getting ready to meet his sisters for dinner, Bruce took me in his arms, kissed me, and said, “I don’t want to scare you off, but I’ve fallen in love with you.” I don’t remember exactly what I said… I believe it was something like “I think I’ve fallen in love with you, too.” All I truly remember is the feeling that this was right… It was everything fairy tales are made of and more… because this was us, and it was real.

And the rest is history, as they say…

So those have been my memories this week… I wasn’t feeling sorry for myself on Valentine’s Day. No… I was simply remembering the precious moments associated with this week…

It was the anniversary of our first “I love you.” It was the memory of those three little words and the moment when we both knew this was not just a shipboard romance… This was a forever thing…

And I’ve never been so sure of anything in my life.

Happy Valentine’s Day, Babe… I (still) love you!

I am so thankful for the memories…
I just wish they weren’t memories…
I wish they were now.
~ Linda, February 2015

Each of us dealing with loss knows what a tough road this can be. I don’t think it is ever an easy one to accept. Often it is in the everyday simple things where we are reminded of our loss and grief. This last week holds its own challenges as we watched the rest of the world celebrate those they love. Learning to smile as we reminisce our own loved ones can present a real challenge. Have you ever felt that way? Would you be willing to share your story or thoughts? To do so, go to the comments and leave a note. *

Who knows… your story may the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.