I really miss him this week…
It’s weird… Some weeks are just harder than others… Like this week. There’s no reason, really. I can’t even blame it on Valentine’s Day. To be honest, I totally forgot about Valentine’s Day until about 4:30 pm on the 13th. Which resulted in my grandson and I (and all the other last-minute people) hunting for just the right cards and candy from what was left on the shelf. (Which was just another ridiculously funny story in itself.) It was all fine though… We both seemed to find exactly what we wanted quite quickly and the evening continued.
This is where it gets strange (at least, for me). In the past, I would spend the days before every holiday dreading it… Not just dreading the pain I knew I would feel, but also wishing the day would pass by quickly, or even better, just go away.
Even last year, I spent several days leading up to any holiday anxious and grieving and absolutely dreading what I “knew” was coming. But then the day would come (and go), and it was never as bad as I thought it was going to be. The energy wasted would leave me emotionally drained for days… and for WHAT??
Without fail, someone always remembers me and makes me feel special.
Then there is this year… As I have written over the last few weeks, I have been learning to do the whole “let it go and be at peace” thing. So, this holiday was my first inclination that it is working and just how different my life has become. I have been learning to live each moment as they come – not being anxious about something ten steps ahead that I can’t avoid anyway.
So, when I finally did remember about Valentine’s Day, my thoughts went to helping my grandson celebrate the day and send love to the special people in his life… And by doing so, I got caught up in the thrill of doing the same.
When I woke up on Valentine’s Day, it was fine… I was fine… I knew I was okay. Sure, there were a few tears… Not because I was worried about being forgotten… It was simply a matter of missing him. (And those are tears I have learned to control.) So, I let myself cry in the shower just a little bit before I moved on with my day.
I get to work fairly early. Yet when I walked in, the office was already filled with balloons and flowers waiting on the desks of most of my co-workers… It made me smile… Knowing what it feels like to love and be loved, I can’t help myself when I see those same feelings being expressed by others.
But the biggest surprise was on my own desk… an “I love you” balloon and a beautiful bouquet of flowers… And the tears came… I hadn’t even realized they were waiting, but I guess they were. To be remembered… To be reminded you are loved (even when you already know it in your heart) is a precious thing!
It is something Bruce did a lot! And I don’t believe I ever took it for granted. I had spent too many years in a marriage where love didn’t exist. So, when I met Bruce… And when we fell in love, it was incredibly precious to me… And still is. I think that is why, six plus years later, he is still on my mind and in my heart… especially this week.
My heart is still his… Happy Valentine’s Day, Babe! I love you… always and forever!
I felt you today.
I felt the warmth of your smile,
And it made me laugh…
Thank you!
~ Linda, January 2018
What about you? We all know the holidays can magnify our grief and our loss is front and center again in our lives. How do you handle that? Do you struggle to keep peace in your heart? Do you accept it and just let the tears fall? This journey is hard, but it is even harder to bear alone. I believe we are in this together. We are not alone. Please feel free to reach out and share your story or thoughts. To do so, go to the comments and leave a note. *
Who knows? Your story may the answer for someone else.
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