Happy Mother’s Day!
I cannot tell you how much I used to hate those words… After the chaos of my first marriage, I carried way to much guilt to feel like I should be celebrated at all. My kids had to deal with so much crap within that chaos, and I couldn’t bear the idea of any of them telling me “thank you” for their childhood or for being their mom. I made so many mistakes when they were growing up, and I struggled to forgive myself.
This was a struggle for me for years, although my kids would always disagree. For whatever reason, they seem to understand so many of the decisions I made back then… And they stood strong when we left. Through the years, we had learned to survive as a team, and when we left, that only intensified. In other words, my kids are amazing! They are the reason I can toast today and still smile.
It’s funny, though… Because when I look back, the first Mother’s Day with Bruce is another that will always stand out. Not just because it was my first Mother’s Day with Bruce, but because of the healing that he encouraged through his love…
We had only known each other a little over a year and had only been married for a few months. I had absolutely no expectations for the day. After all, I wasn’t his mother or the mother of his child. Yes, when he married me, that was a package deal which included my children, but three of the four were over 18. My youngest was the only one that lived with us… and at the time, she wasn’t very happy about that.
I remember waking up that Sunday morning, and the sun was shining in Michigan – something we hadn’t seen in months. As we lay in the bed snuggling, he reached over the edge and produced a small card which he handed to me with a mischievous grin. I remember handing it back and saying, “Don’t.” I wasn’t crying or upset, I just wanted to ignore the day. I didn’t want anyone to celebrate me… But he wasn’t having any of that.
I protested and said, “You don’t have to do this… My being a mother has nothing to do with you.” To which he replied, “You’re being a mother is a huge part of who you are, and that has everything to do with me. I will always celebrate who you are, because I love you… And that means all of you.”
I remember the card talked about his love for me and my love for my kids. I remember the tears pouring down my face as I read it, and in the end, he had to read it to me. Inside, was a receipt for three tickets to go see The Phantom of the Opera that afternoon (Bruce, my youngest daughter and myself) … Tickets? To the Opera?? From Bruce???
Now, I need to explain a little bit about Bruce. He made no pretense about who he was. He was a truck driver who loved body building, football and hockey. He was not a fan of the theater, especially musicals or opera. The idea that a man had gone outside of his own comfort zone to give me (and participate in) something that was solely about me was something I had never experienced before.
I remember being skeptical – Would he really go? Was he going to take me but ruin it because it really wasn’t anything he would ever want to do? … I questioned all of it.
However, true to who he was, it was the most wonderful afternoon! He made it a true event – nothing was off limits… and to top it all off, he swore he loved and enjoyed it, as well! Whether that last part was really true or not, I’ll never know. He always swore it was, and so I will take him at his word.
Every year after that, Bruce always made it a point to celebrate me on Mother’s Day. It didn’t matter where we were or what life had thrown our way, he always made sure we spent the day doing something I loved. After he died, that first Mother’s Day was hard. I didn’t want to celebrate… I found myself going back to those feelings old of guilt about my children’s past. But I must say, my kids wouldn’t have it. They did and continue to make this day a special one…
And this year was no different…
A couple of years ago, I was just diagnosed with breast cancer and didn’t know what my future would hold, or if I would even see another Mother’s Day… But here I am – sassy as ever and loving life! And… In less than an hour, I will be celebrating with three of my four children. (My oldest lives in Europe, so we will talk this afternoon. Thanks to technology!)
I am so grateful to my kids for the joy and love they add to my life. I know that each moment we live is the only one we are promised. Life is crazy with its twists and turns… You just never know what lies ahead. In other words, life has its own way, and all we can do is go along for the ride. I can’t change what was nor what is ahead. I can only live in this moment… soaking it all in and remembering to be thankful for what it is…
Everyone deals with loss, grief, and life in their own way. There are pieces of our past we might change if we could. However, since we can’t change any of that, we can either get caught up in the stuff we don’t like or choose to find moments worth celebrating. Bruce taught me to celebrate and let the rest go… We don’t need to always be happy, and it’s okay to feel what we feel and be who we are… This is how life was meant to be – learning to let go of what feels wrong and celebrating the good.
These are only my thoughts and reactions this week as I celebrate this day without Bruce. Maybe something in this feels familiar… Perhaps you too have struggled something similar. If so, we are here, you are not alone. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. *
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