Tag: caught off guard

Peace, Love and Grief… Then and Now… Now and Then

I remember when this whole grief thing started… I was such an emotional wreck! At the support group I joined, I remember the leader talking about all the different emotions we were experiencing… or soon would…. And she was right… Life quickly became an emotional roller coaster that seemed to have no end.

I believe I felt every emotion under the sun, and the craziest part was any particular emotion could hit at any time… any place… and sometimes several at a time.

Journal Entry, August 15, 2013:

This grief thing can make you feel like you are losing your mind. One day (or moment) can be fine and you think you are getting it together and the next can be so dark. I am really struggling…

Sometimes there was no rhyme or reason to what I felt… I just felt it. Other times, the emotions could be triggered by something familiar, such as his SUV in the driveway, his clothes still hanging in the closet or a semi on the highway (similar to the one he drove). Other times just seeing other couples our age (or older) together (holding hands) or seeing someone with mannerisms similar to his could bring on tears… In other words, it could be any thing at any time… I just never knew.

As a consequence, I started wearing sunglasses on my head everywhere I went… Why? Because when the tears started, the glasses came down to cover my eyes (even in the middle of the grocery store).

For the longest time, I thought that would be the way I would live forever… but it isn’t. I’m not sure where along the way I felt safe without the sunglasses… a little more in control of my emotions. But eventually, I found myself leaving the glasses behind and (at least for the most part) controlling the tears in public.

However, I can’t say that control is a 100% thing… There are still moments where I am caught off guard and the tears come of their own accord. For example, this week was a good week. However, on Friday as I was leaving my martial arts class, I needed to talk to the instructor for a moment. As I glanced outside, I caught a brief glimpse of someone that looked just like Bruce. Even though I knew it wasn’t Bruce, it still caught me by surprise, and suddenly I found my eyes filling with tears.

To give myself time to regain control, I started “searching” in my gear bag (for absolutely nothing). While my head was down, someone else walked up to speak to the instructor. (Thankfully!) And, in their interaction something was said that made me laugh… (I don’t know if I have ever been so thankful for laughter before that moment.) At that point, I was able to regain some semblance of control, lift my head, thank them for the laugh and move on.

So this week, even after all these years, I came to realize that I am still vulnerable to “those” moments… I know, without a doubt, this journey is a long one… And while I need others to walk beside me, the hard work is still mine to do, as I wrote years ago…

Journal Entry, August 29, 2014:

“Widowhood is the long learning to do without the presence of the loved one. It is a task demanding the utmost patience, and a willingness to look, again and again, at those paths and places where the loved one walked, sat, lived, and slept, and does so no more.” ~ Martha Hickman, Healing After Loss

Me: So much of the time I feel so alone on this journey… so out of sync with everyone else around me… this quote explains the why so well. It is my journey and no one can do it for me… So please, be patient with me…

Learning to navigate through this journey is different for everyone… We all move through it at our own pace and in our own way. Perhaps you have had moments like I had this week. Perhaps you have experienced those emotions that come on faster than you can control your reaction to them. If so, would you be willing to share your experience? Perhaps there is someone else out there who needs to hear your story too. If you are someone who needs a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. *

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

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Peace, Love and Grief… What do you do with the stocking?

From what I see in my neighborhood and on Face Book, most of us have already decked our halls… I did mine after I returned from my Thanksgiving trip. Inititally, I wasn’t going to decorate this year. Not to avoid the holiday, it just seems like a huge amount of work, and I’m the only one to see it.

“I’ll just put up the Christmas Village,” I thought. Then, it was the nutcrackers… As I opened each container, I found myself smiling as I remembered Christmases past with Bruce and my kids. It was such a beautiful, bittersweet trip, I ended up decorating after all… But this experience was quite different from last year’s.

That first year, I ignored Christmas, so there was nothing to think about. Last year, though, I thought I was ready until I opened that first container… and there right on top, was Bruce’s stocking… Right where I had packed it after our last Christmas together… A Christmas when I thought we still had the rest of our lives to celebrate this holiday over and over.

Journal Entry – Dec 2, 2014

Hi Babe… feeling down… really struggling and missing you. Yesterday was okay – good actually… Until I started some Christmas decorating last night. : ( I thought I was ready. I thought I would be okay, but it broke me. I didn’t do Christmas last year, so this is my first time unpacking this stuff since you died. And since this box represents our last few weeks together, the memories are bittersweet and the tears seem to be endless. All I managed to get out were two nativity sets, the light brick and the stocking holders. (What am I going to do with those?) Hang one stocking? Do I hang yours? I don’t know what to do there… What do I do? I cried myself to sleep and woke up still crying. I’m not very good at this whole widow/grief thing. I can’t seem to just “move on.” I still love and miss you so much! How can this be my life? How can you be gone? How does someone with so much love and life just cease to exist? I don’t think I will ever understand this.

I keep remembering how much you loved Christmas – all the decorations and the music… your big ole’ grin when you watched me decorate or when you put on the Christmas music; your big smile that first Christmas when you laid on your belly in the snow to cut down the tree my youngest daughter had picked; how much you loved all the treats (even though you swore you didn’t eat sweets) and how excited you got about getting me the “perfect” gift. You loved the fact that this season was all about family and that was what you celebrated. When we were in Michigan, your folks would be there for the whole month and we would spend as much time as possible with them. This was also the time we would spend a week with my family back home. All that is gone now… It was you, Babe. You brought the magic to our lives and now you’re gone. Now I don’t know what to do. I’m so lost… I thought I could do this, but now… I don’t know.

Journal Entry – Dec 3, 2014

Hey Babe! Wow! Yesterday was tough. I didn’t leave the house all day… Shoot – I couldn’t stop crying all day. I’m still kind of emotionally tender today, but definitely doing better today. The stocking thing really threw me for a loop. I ended up going on-line and searching. Turns out, my reaction is common… What to do with the stocking throws a lot of us for a loop. There were all kinds of ideas and suggestions. I’m going with the only one that made me smile when I read it. I’m hanging your stocking and placing paper next to it. Then, I am going to write Christmas memories on the paper (as I remember or people send them) and place them in the stocking. I’ve already had three people send memories. : ) It makes me smile. I still cried some, but I managed to finish the decorating. I still wish you were here… you loved all of this… I don’t know about next year, but this will work for this year.

So… What am I doing this year? The same… Bruce’s stocking is right next to mine – where it belongs. The paper is there and I am writing and adding memories as I remember them. This year I wasn’t caught off-guard, and the memories make me smile. I still wish he were here. I probably always will because I still love and miss him.

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Over the past few months, gratitude has become a part of my new mantra, so instead of crying over what is lost, I am thankful for what was… for all the wonderful memories of those Christmases past.

And, believe it or not, I find myself looking forward to whatever new memories are waiting to be made.

Have you ever found yourself caught off-guard like this? What did you do? Would you be willing to share your story or thoughts? To do so, go to the comments and leave a note.*

Who knows… your story may the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.