I remember when this whole grief thing started… I was such an emotional wreck! At the support group I joined, I remember the leader talking about all the different emotions we were experiencing… or soon would…. And she was right… Life quickly became an emotional roller coaster that seemed to have no end.
I believe I felt every emotion under the sun, and the craziest part was any particular emotion could hit at any time… any place… and sometimes several at a time.
Journal Entry, August 15, 2013:
This grief thing can make you feel like you are losing your mind. One day (or moment) can be fine and you think you are getting it together and the next can be so dark. I am really struggling…
Sometimes there was no rhyme or reason to what I felt… I just felt it. Other times, the emotions could be triggered by something familiar, such as his SUV in the driveway, his clothes still hanging in the closet or a semi on the highway (similar to the one he drove). Other times just seeing other couples our age (or older) together (holding hands) or seeing someone with mannerisms similar to his could bring on tears… In other words, it could be any thing at any time… I just never knew.
As a consequence, I started wearing sunglasses on my head everywhere I went… Why? Because when the tears started, the glasses came down to cover my eyes (even in the middle of the grocery store).
For the longest time, I thought that would be the way I would live forever… but it isn’t. I’m not sure where along the way I felt safe without the sunglasses… a little more in control of my emotions. But eventually, I found myself leaving the glasses behind and (at least for the most part) controlling the tears in public.
However, I can’t say that control is a 100% thing… There are still moments where I am caught off guard and the tears come of their own accord. For example, this week was a good week. However, on Friday as I was leaving my martial arts class, I needed to talk to the instructor for a moment. As I glanced outside, I caught a brief glimpse of someone that looked just like Bruce. Even though I knew it wasn’t Bruce, it still caught me by surprise, and suddenly I found my eyes filling with tears.
To give myself time to regain control, I started “searching” in my gear bag (for absolutely nothing). While my head was down, someone else walked up to speak to the instructor. (Thankfully!) And, in their interaction something was said that made me laugh… (I don’t know if I have ever been so thankful for laughter before that moment.) At that point, I was able to regain some semblance of control, lift my head, thank them for the laugh and move on.
So this week, even after all these years, I came to realize that I am still vulnerable to “those” moments… I know, without a doubt, this journey is a long one… And while I need others to walk beside me, the hard work is still mine to do, as I wrote years ago…
Journal Entry, August 29, 2014:
“Widowhood is the long learning to do without the presence of the loved one. It is a task demanding the utmost patience, and a willingness to look, again and again, at those paths and places where the loved one walked, sat, lived, and slept, and does so no more.” ~ Martha Hickman, Healing After Loss
Me: So much of the time I feel so alone on this journey… so out of sync with everyone else around me… this quote explains the why so well. It is my journey and no one can do it for me… So please, be patient with me…
Learning to navigate through this journey is different for everyone… We all move through it at our own pace and in our own way. Perhaps you have had moments like I had this week. Perhaps you have experienced those emotions that come on faster than you can control your reaction to them. If so, would you be willing to share your experience? Perhaps there is someone else out there who needs to hear your story too. If you are someone who needs a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. *
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