Author: Linda

Hi! I am Linda. On January 12, 2013, my husband, Bruce passed away in the wee hours of the morning. It was completely unexpected and threw me into a complete tailspin. I wandered aimlessly for months until I met a fabulous Life Coach who turned my life around. On January 1, 2015, while visiting with long-ago friend, I decided that this year would be different. 2015 became my year of "Celebration, Creation and Contribution." On January 12, 2015 (exactly 2 years after losing my husband), I posted my first blog on this site. My purpose is to create a virtual loss/grief support group. If this site fills a need for you or someone you know, please join us and add your comments. Let's make this our community...

Peace, Love and Grief… Grief Attacks

As I wrote last week, the holidays create so many mixed emotions. There are so many things about this time of year which I wish I could help those around me understand. Yet, I believe for them to understand, they would have to experience a loss like mine… (And that is something I would never wish on anyone.)

I know I am incredibly blessed to have so many loving family and friends. At the same time, there will always be a piece of my heart that is missing – an emptiness created when Bruce died. At this point, I believe I do a pretty good job putting a smile on my face and moving forward…

Except when I can’t…

Do you know what I’m talking about? I’m talking about those moments when the sadness and grief are completely overwhelming… The tears insist on coming no matter how hard I try to keep them in… These are the moments I now call Grief Attacks. *

Grief Attacks can be triggered by all kinds of things. Sometimes they are triggered by obvious things such sweet memories or songs which arouse those feelings of longing and loss. Other times, it may be the glimpse of someone who looks similar (and causes a double take)… or has similar mannerisms… or a truck like his… or the smell of his cologne.

One of the biggest triggers for me, however, seems to be when I am feeling completely overwhelmed… when life throws me a curve ball which I now have to now handle alone. When Bruce was here, I never had to handle these moments alone. Even if it was only the sanctuary of his arms, I always knew he was there for me. No matter how hurt I felt, I never felt alone… I always knew he was there. So, when those moments hit, all I want is the comfort of Bruce’s arms… The very thing I cannot have.

Now, let’s be honest… Sometimes during the holidays – during this season of joy and family – life gets overwhelming. It’s no one’s fault. There is just a lot going on, and our emotions are charged. This has always been… It is not anything new because Bruce is gone. The difference is not having him to lean on.

Yes, I know, we are supposed to be strong on our own… I get that and for the most part, I am. But, we all need someone else every now and then. For me, Bruce was that person, and I was his. Now, though, I am on this road alone. And when things feel overwhelming, I feel like a child… Bruce is who I want… Bruce is who I need… But Bruce is the one person who cannot help me, and so the grief attacks come…

This is awkward enough during the normal parts of the year. Family and friends try to understand and give me the space I need, even if they don’t quite understand where this sudden burst of grief came from. During the holidays, though, I think it is harder for others to understand. After all, it is a time of celebration… a time of love and family.

This weekend while celebrating a family wedding, one of those moments hit me (again). I was fine during the wedding. You would think that would have been a trigger. However, I smiled with joy watching these two young people declare their love for each other. The reception was also a blast. I laughed and danced with friends, my daughters and my grandson.

The grief attack came when the lights dimmed further, the music slowed, and the older couples braved the dance floor. As I stood there watching so many couples dancing as they gazed into each others’ eyes and whispered things which brought smiles and light kisses, the tears started flowing of their own accord. In that moment, my longing for Bruce and the love we shared left me feeling completely overwhelmed. Luckily, it didn’t last any longer than the song… As the couples left the floor, I was able to reign it back in before anyone else seemed to notice… Thank goodness!

From what I understand, these attacks have nothing to do with time… They are likely to continue indefinitely… And now that I know they are “normal,” I’m not as concerned about trying to explain myself to anyone else.

Besides, I am still at a total loss on how to explain these to anyone else. How do I help them understand that this is just a part of the whole journey? Yes, I may have been “fine” a few moments ago. Yes, I love the people around me. Yes, I know it has been a long time and in a lot of people’s minds I should be over it. But in these moments, I need the one person who will never be by my side again… I need Bruce, and no one else can fill that void.

* Grief Attacks is a term I learned while listening to Dr. Bill Webster’s series on Understanding Grief.

Happy New Year to our virtual group. Please know my thoughts and prayers are for all of us as we begin another year without our loved ones by our side. Our support for each other always touches my heart, and I feel close to you through the experiences we share. We are all dealing with some extremely intense, emotional stuff, and none of us needs to handle this alone. Learning to navigate this journey is different for each of us. It brings its individual challenges and lessons. Through it we come to realize we are stronger than we thought we were. If any of this feels familiar, we are here, you are not alone. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. *

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Happy Christmas to All…

Today creates so many mixed emotions… I feel incredibly blessed to have so many loving family and friends in my life. At the same time, there will always be a piece of my heart that is sad without Bruce… Something I know they cannot truly understand. So, while I smile for my family, I am still crying on the inside… In a quiet place deep inside where I won’t mess up anyone else’s holiday.

I miss you, Babe!… I love you… Always and forever!

I have listened to this song over and over this week. So instead of writing today, I’m going to spend time with my loved ones, and leave this right here. Hopefully, it touches your heart as it has mine.

The Piano Guys – The Sweetest Gift
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RFvDieQpzZk

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to our virtual support group. Please know my thoughts and prayers are for all of us as we find our way through these celebrations without our loved ones by our side.

Our support for each other always touches my heart, and I feel close to you through the experiences we share. We are all dealing with some extremely intense, emotional stuff, and none of us needs to handle this alone. Learning to navigate this journey is different for each of us. It brings its individual challenges and lessons. Through it we come to realize we are stronger than we thought we were. If any of this feels familiar, we are here, you are NOT alone. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. *

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief
* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Dear Me

When I opened Face Book earlier this week, there was a “memory” waiting for me… an “On This Day” moment. The year was 2012… exactly one month prior to Bruce’s death. That was the Christmas we had decided to give each other a trip to Jamaica instead of gifts, and that was the day Bruce had booked the trip. We were both so excited… We had no idea that was one trip we would never take… Instead, time ran out for us.

When I saw the post, I started thinking, “You had no idea… You were so excited, but you had no idea your whole world was about to fall apart.” Then I thought, what if the “current me” could write a letter to the “past me?” Well, first of all, I wouldn’t actually want the past me to receive the letter until after Bruce’s death. Why ruin those last few beautiful weeks together? I’ve always been pretty certain he knew his time was short, but chose not to tell me. As time has passed, I have actually come to understand the wisdom in that… So, then… what would I say?

There is so much that came to mind…

Written today, to be opened on 1/14/2012:

(As the country song says…) Dear younger me,

This is you… Well, it’s me, but I’m you… Five years older but still you. I wanted to write this mostly to let you know, you’re going to be okay. I know you haven’t even thought about that yet. Shoot, I know you haven’t even truly wrapped your brain around what has happened yet. That’s okay… You’re in shock, and you’re numb. It’s your mind’s way of protecting you right now, and you need that. Your family and friends think you’re being strong. I know better… I know you haven’t even come to terms with the idea that this is real.

You are just starting on what is called a grief journey… FYI – It sucks! Sorry, but I’ve got to be honest here. You are about to go through the hardest thing ever!

One of the first things you will realize on this journey is people are going to let you down. It’s what people do to each other… We don’t mean to, but we do… and they will. Just like your divorce, the people you imagine will be there for you, will either step back a little or back away completely. It’s going to hurt, and you’re going to be mad… But, trust me, you need to let it go. Just like you, they really are doing the best they can… They just don’t get it.

Also, like your divorce, there will be others who you would never have imagined will be there for you. They will step out of nowhere and stand solidly beside you. Appreciate and love them… They are a gift!

As for your family,… they will be there for you – all of them. You will read a lot of articles that will tell you your in-laws will back out of your life. Don’t panic! Bruce’s family will stay by your side… They love you (and it’s a forever kind of love).

Another thing about grief is the way every nerve… every fiber of your being feels raw. You will feel out of sorts for a long time. I am five years ahead of you, and I still have days where I struggle. I’m not sure if this ever goes away completely, but it will get better. However, the worst part of this “raw” feeling is everything will hurt your feelings, and everything will make you cry. You will feel like you are losing your mind, but I promise, you’re not. It’s normal… It’s all a part of grieving… And it will get better. (A word to the wise, though: Be careful what you say when you are upset… Try taking a breath… or two… or three before you speak.)

In the beginning, you will feel a lot of guilt about Bruce’s death. Don’t! The Medical Examiner will call you (much) later to tell you, but you need to know now. You couldn’t save him. You did the best you could, but when his heart stopped, nothing was going to make it start again. He needed a transplant… CPR (whether from you or a professional) would not have made a difference. So, stop blaming yourself for not saving him… Just stop!

Here’s another thing… You will be very angry… Angry with what happened… Angry at the world… Angry with God… Just VERY angry. You’re going to deny it, but it’s really okay. Some people will tell you it’s wrong or a sin to be mad at God. Poppycock! God’s shoulders are big, and he knows you are hurting. And as time passes, you will actually find your faith is stronger… different, but stronger. That is because it will be completely yours… Not something you were told to believe, but instead, it will be based on your own experiences and your own path… This path. It will take a while, but you will come out stronger on the other side. (FYI – There will be a few people who will judge you for this… Pretty harshly, actually. That’s okay. That is their issue – not yours. Just let it go and move on.)

Here’s another thing… For the record, those “stages of grief” you will be reading about are B.S. First of all, those were written for people who are trying to accept their own impending death… not someone who is grieving a loss… not you. Don’t get me wrong, you will feel all those things, but not in any given order and not like a “one and done” checklist. Your emotions will be all over the board… At first, it will feel like being battered by a rough tide with no way out of the water. You will feel like you are being pounded by one wave after another and not way to catch your breath. However over time, the waves will be further and further apart… Still there – just further apart.

This is getting long, so I’m going to leave you with this last thought…

The first year will be the hardest… It will feel like hell! There will be real, physical pain… There will be times when your heart will literally ache, and other times when you will feel like you can’t even breathe. You will experience a loneliness you never even imagined could exist. You will find yourself falling to your knees in the middle of your house and crying for hours until there are no tears left… only pure exhaustion.

During this year, you will wonder why you are still here. You will wonder if you still have a purpose. Each day will look like the one before… gray and hopeless. There will be days, you will beg God to take you, too… Or beg Bruce to come back to get you. All of that is okay… You’re not losing it… But trust me when I tell you to hang in there. You are still needed… You need to do a little healing first… But you definitely still have a purpose. I won’t tell you what, but trust me, you still have a reason for being here.

There is a lot more I would like to say… and a lot more you will learn. However, that’s just it… A lot of this you will need to figure out as you go. You will always love Bruce, and you will always feel him nearby – Hang on to that during those tough moments.

And keep in mind… You will always grieve, because that is the price of love. (Hokey, but true.) But I promise, while you may not think so right now, you really will be okay. In fact,… one day you will even know joy and laughter again. I promise!

Be kind to yourself… and remember you are loved!
Me…

I am so thankful for this virtual group. Our support for each other always touches my heart, and I feel close to you through the experiences we share. What about you? Is there something more you would want to say? What would you tell yourself if you had the chance? Please share your thoughts and stories, so others will realize what they feel is normal too… We are all dealing with some extremely intense, emotional stuff, and none of us needs to handle this alone.

Learning to navigate this journey is different for each of us. It brings its individual challenges and lessons. Through it we come to realize we are stronger than we thought we were. If any of this feels familiar, we are here, you are not alone. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. *

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Grief is a Part of It All

Carol Staudacher – “There is only one way for you to live without grief in your lifetime; that is to exist without love. Your grief represents your humanness, just as your love does.”

This was a good week.

How about that? This time of year is usually a struggle for me, and I have definitely had my moments over the last few weeks… Moments of loneliness and moments of tears… I even had a few of those this week. But, overall… This was a good week.

I wanted to share that this week… When we are grieving, it can be easy to get lost in the tears and sadness. I know for me, there are some days when my grief is all I can see. Yet, there really are other days when I can feel the warmth of life and manage a genuine smile… These are still days when I miss Bruce. The difference is my longing for him and missing him aren’t the only things I can focus on… These are the days when I can smile at the memories, instead of crying. These are the days when I know I am better for having loved Bruce… and that alone makes me smile.

When I sat down to write today, I had several topics I had considered. But truthfully, I am in a good place emotionally, and I don’t want to lose it. That probably sounds silly, but these “good days” are precious to me. These are the days when I feel hope… These are the days I smile without effort and laugh without guilt. These are the days when I think I just might learn to actually love life again.

I don’t think I had any days like this the whole first year. I can’t even tell you when the first day like this even happened. All I know is as time moves on, these days seem to happen more often… But to happen during the holidays and to last for several days? Well, that is a Christmas miracle that is worth sharing!

I know I was blessed to have shared a love with Bruce, and I know I am a better person because I knew him. I know all the sayings about how love, loss and grief are all a part of life. But when it happens to you, it doesn’t feel like a “part of life.” No, it feels very unnatural… It feels wrong.

Instead, what I have found more helpful are those sayings which tell me grief is normal. It is a part of what makes us human. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. There is no timeline or checklist. In fact, it is as individual as each of us…

Which means my good days are just as much a part of my grief journey as my rough days.

I smile again…
Slow at first;
A little awkward.
Then quickly, I shut it down.
Soon I am smiling again…
A little longer,
A little bigger.
One day I will smile like I smiled before…
Full of life and love.
~ Linda, January 2014

I am so thankful for this virtual group. Our support for each other always touches my heart, and I feel close to you through the experiences we share. Do you know what I mean by “good days?” Or is your journey still too hard for “good days?” Please share your thoughts and stories, so others will realize what they feel is normal too… We are all dealing with some extremely intense, emotional stuff, and none of us needs to handle this alone. Learning to navigate this journey is different for each of us. It brings its individual challenges and lessons. Through it we come to realize we are stronger than we thought we were. If any of this feels familiar, we are here, you are not alone. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. *

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Lonely But Not Alone

As the Christmas season takes off with a bang, I find myself in a love/hate relationship with it… I go back and forth between excitement and joy for the season versus tears and sadness because Bruce isn’t here to share it… between feeling loved by my circle of family and friends versus overwhelming loneliness because the person I love is no longer here to by my side.

As we decorate our house or listen to Christmas music, each ornament and song stirs precious Christmas memories. When those memories circle around Bruce, I find myself either smiling… or crying. I never seem know which is coming… There doesn’t seem to be any rhyme or reason to any of it, (and it’s hard to control something you don’t understand). If I am with anyone else, then I really push myself to smile. I know this is a happy season, and the last thing anyone needs to deal with is my grief. But, whenever I am alone and the tears start, I let them come… At least for a little bit, because I need to let it out somehow.

While I don’t understand all the triggers, I know this – I am not alone, but I am lonely… and there is a huge difference.

Being alone refers to the number of people present… For example, one (just me) vs three (me plus the other people who live in my house). I have no problem being alone. I enjoy “me” time and seek it out at least once a week. However, I also enjoy having my daughter and grandson living here. I love their company, the laughter and relationships. I love the feelings of love and support which are a constant in this home. At this point, I am only alone when I choose to be alone… And I love knowing it is a choice.

For me, though, feeling lonely is something completely different… It is that feeling that there is something deep inside that is missing. I believe it is the longing for a specific relationship… One that was taken away without any warning… And to be completely honest, I DON’T LIKE IT! NOT ONE BIT! Even after all this time, I still don’t like it! I would still give absolutely anything to have Bruce back… even for just one more hour… one more moment together.

It is the longing for that relationship… for that person which makes me feel lonely. I believe there will always be a part of me in every moment that will long for Bruce. I know it sounds hokey to say “he completed me.” I know we should “be whole individuals” on our own… But I also know humans are relational. Rare is the person who goes through life absolutely alone (with no one else) and still remains happy. We need other people… We need deep, intimate relationships.

For me, Bruce was the person with whom I shared that deep intimate relationship. He knew and understood me… He knew things about me, no one else will ever know… And yet, he still loved me… I miss that… I miss the way we could share a look and know exactly what the other one was thinking. I miss his hugs and his gentle touch. I miss his smile when he was up to no good, and his laughter when life touched his soul. I miss looking into his eyes and seeing nothing but love in return. I miss the way he believed in me, and supported whatever adventure I wanted to pursue next. I miss all of this and so much more… I miss him…

And that is what makes me feel lonely.

So while there are others here who love me, and I love them, there will always be someone missing – Bruce. And for him, I will always feel lonely… There will always be a part of me, that is missing… a part that feels incomplete and lost.

Lately, I have been better at managing to keep my lonely moments to those times I am alone. However, I guess, this season of love and family also carries many triggers for that loneliness. I do know each year, this season holds more joy and fewer tears than the year before. However, I doubt I will ever get used to the idea of celebrating Christmas, (or living this life), without Bruce…

And even though I am not alone, and I am very loved, there will always be a part of me that is lonely… Please, be patient with me…

I miss you, Babe! <3

I am so thankful for this virtual group. Our support for each other always touches my heart, and I feel close to you through the experiences we share. Is there anyone else out there who is experiencing that loneliness I am talking about? Please share your thoughts and stories, so others will realize what they feel is normal too… We are all dealing with some extremely intense, emotional stuff, and none of us needs to handle this alone. Learning to navigate this journey is different for each of us. It brings its individual challenges and lessons. Through it we come to realize we are stronger than we thought we were. If any of this feels familiar, we are here, you are not alone. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. *

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Remembering to Be Thankful

Holidays are hard… There is no way to sugarcoat it… They just are…

The first Thanksgiving came 10 months after Bruce passed away. At that point, I’m not sure if I was just still too numb or if the pain was still too raw… Or a combination of both. However, I do remember I couldn’t handle the idea of a holiday celebration. I wouldn’t say I couldn’t find anything to be thankful for, but my mind was too overwhelmed with grief to even consider celebrating anything… Not with Bruce gone… I just couldn’t do it.

The next year, I was still hurting, but I did want some special time with family and loved ones, so I spent a very quiet holiday with one of my daughters and her family. It was a wonderfully simple holiday – a very good way to ease back into the idea of celebrating without Bruce. No one pushed me to do more than I felt ready to handle… A good portion of the day was spent just breathing, but there were also smiles, and with love and support, I did it… In fact, by the end of the day I knew exactly what I was thankful for – the love of my family.

The next year, I got a little braver and traveled (alone) to England to spend the holiday with another daughter and her family. Since Thanksgiving is not a holiday over there, Christmas celebrations were already beginning, (but that is another story). We had a lovely time shopping for a “bird” and “American” ingredients which were nearly impossible to find. The day itself couldn’t have been better! It was beautiful… another quiet celebration filled with love and laughter… and a few tears… But once again, I was reminded of what is really important – the people I love.

Last year was different again. My daughter and grandson had moved in with me just a few months earlier, and he was spending Thanksgiving with his father in another state. It was my daughter’s first holiday without her little Bubba, and for reasons I completely understood, we chose to spend the holiday traveling rather than celebrating with the traditional family feast. It was quiet, the beach was soothing, and the company was loving… That year, once again, it was a holiday to be “survived” rather than “enjoyed,” but we made it through… Thankful to be a family again at the end of the weekend.

This year, though, was held its own surprises. This year I felt braver and more thankful than in years past. For the first time since Bruce passed away, I wanted to go back to old Thanksgiving traditions. So, what started as a small, three-person holiday quickly became an old fashioned, “everyone’s coming” Thanksgiving. I took the week off and spent it cooking and cleaning (with my grandson’s help) in preparation. We had all the traditional foods our family loves, plus games for laughter and placemats to write what we were all thankful for. My grandson even made turkey nameplates for everyone at the table… And without telling me,  he included one for Bruce.

Including Bruce… That has become one of my traditions since he passed away… Not just remembering Bruce… But actually including him. Each holiday I set up his picture with six candles. Before we say our blessing, we light the candles and remember him. This is my way of including Bruce… But this is also where I get choked up, because this is where it becomes real that I am here, and he is gone.

“Today, we light six candles in honor of you.
1. This candle represents our grief. The pain of losing you is intense. It is a reminder of the depth of our love for you.
2. This candle represents our courage – to confront our sorrow, to comfort each other, and to change our lives.
3. This candle is in your memory – the times we laughed, the times we cried, the times we were angry with each other, the silly things you did, and the caring and joy you gave us.
4. This candle is the light of love. Day by day, we cherish the special place in our hearts that will always be reserved for you. Thank you for the gift your life brought to each of us.
5. This candle is the light of hope. It reminds us of love and memories of you that are ours forever.
6. This candle is the light of eternity – for the day when we will see you again in all God’s glory. We will be together again. We will have healthy, whole bodies and can explore the wonders of heaven together.
May the light of the Lord be our source of hopefulness now and forever.
Amen.” **

The day was wonderful! We haven’t had a family Thanksgiving in years, and I felt continuously blessed throughout the day to be surrounded by those I love. I’ll be honest, there were a few tears shed for Bruce in quiet, private moments, but even those were followed by precious memories of past Thanksgiving celebrations with him by my side…

And an unending thankfulness to have known and loved this wonderful man.

** I found this ceremony on the internet almost immediately after Bruce passed away. I have no idea where it came from or who wrote it. All I know is this ceremony has brought me unlimited comfort on holidays, as I strive to include Bruce and remember the love we shared.

I am so thankful for this virtual group. Your support and kind notes always touch my heart, and I feel close to you through the experiences we share. Does anyone else have a Thanksgiving story to share? Do you have a special way of including your loved one? Please share your thoughts and stories, so others will realize what they feel is normal too… We are all dealing with some extremely intense, emotional stuff, and none of us needs to handle this alone. Learning to navigate this journey is different for each of us. It brings its individual challenges and lessons. Through it we come to realize we are stronger than we thought we were. If any of this feels familiar, we are here, you are not alone. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. *

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Jealous?… Seriously?

“When I see someone with what I lost, I feel the pain all over again.” ~ Rev. Karen Tudor

I remember when this whole thing began… In my support group and in everything I read, I was told I would experience a plethora of emotions. Forget the stages of grief… I would definitely feel those, but it wouldn’t be the “complete the checklist and you’re better” kind of thing. Instead, it would be more like a 3-ring circus with multiple emotions happening all at once – coming and going in the blink of an eye.

In my writings, I have shared most of those feelings, but there is one I’m don’t think I have said out loud… jealousy. Yep… I hate to admit it, but that is one emotion I actually feel more often than I care to admit… and I’m not very proud of myself. It seems to show up in different forms, but it is definitely there, and usually I’m not quite sure what to do with it.

I remember the first time I felt it… I was walking into the grocery store and saw an older couple walking in – hand in hand. Shortly afterward, I was flying to (who knows where) and found myself seated next to a couple about my age, snuggled up, sharing one set of earbuds as they watched a movie together… Both times, it was so sweet… so typical of small moments Bruce and I had shared… And both times I had to look away as tears formed in my eyes. Why did they get a future together? Why not us?

I remember on one business trip, sitting at the hotel bar and listening to the elderly couple next to me flirt with each other. I don’t remember how we started talking but we ended up eating dinner together that night… As it turned out, they were both widows who had just recently married… As I shared my feelings and thoughts (and admitted feeling jealous), they were so kind. I will always remember that night, because they both left me feeling so validated… and normal.

There have been other times, though, which haven’t been as “sweet,” but also left me feeling that tinge…

Just to be clear… I’ve been married, and I know it is normal to argue with the person you love. However, there have been times when I have overheard couples being downright cruel and ugly to each other… Don’t get me wrong, I’m not jealous of the arguing… But I want to shake them silly, because I am jealous that they are still together… still a couple… yet, they don’t seem to appreciate it. All the while, I would give anything for one more conversation or even just one more hug…

There are other times when I listen to friends complain of boredom or lack of love in their relationships… They are only in the relationship “out of obligation”… Honestly, I’m not judging that – I’ve been there, and I get it. What I don’t understand is why Bruce and I don’t get to be together, yet here are these people who don’t even like each other… And they are still together. I know – that sounds awful… I’m not wishing for anyone else to die. I don’t get it – it just doesn’t feel fair… (And I would bet, there are many of you reading this who understand exactly what I mean.)

You’d think that would be it… but it’s not. If you are on Face Book, then I would bet you have seen those notes where people who are still very much in love with their partners will post something that says, “Share this if… you are still married to your soulmate… or you have the best husband/wife ever… or your still love your partner… etc.” I know – These are sweet, and I don’t blame them for shouting it from the mountaintops (or their Face Book feed)… I felt the same way… I guess, that’s why it hits so hard. Every time I read it, I think – “YES! That’s us! … Wait… No, not anymore… I still love him, but does it still count?” Then, I get that pit in my stomach as I scroll past, knowing that is a world where I no longer belong.

Lately several of my friends have announced new relationships or engagements… I love that! I am so excited for them. I remember when Bruce and I first met… I remember the excitement of new love and getting married. I remember feeling like I was the luckiest woman in the world… I remember feeling more loved than I had ever felt in my whole life… I remember all of that… and then, there it is once again… I feel so happy for them… and so sad for Bruce and I.

Everything I read says this is normal… My emotions are normal – they are neither good nor bad. I know it’s what I do with them that makes the difference. Still… I am embarrassed to admit that throughout the years since Bruce died, there have been many times when I have felt this way… sometimes I cry, sometimes I get quiet, and other times I smile… But always there is that tinge of pain and jealousy at what we had… and lost.

Please forgive me…

I am so thankful for this virtual group. Your support and kind notes always touch my heart, and I feel close to you through the experiences we share. Does anyone else out there know what I am talking about? Have you ever felt this way too? Please share your thoughts and stories, so others will realize what they feel is normal too… We are all dealing with some extremely intense, emotional stuff, and none of us needs to handle this alone.

Learning to navigate this journey is different for each of us. It brings its individual challenges and lessons. Through it we come to realize we are stronger than we thought we were. If any of this feels familiar, we are here, you are not alone. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. *

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Happy Anniversary, Babe!

Well, it’s that time of year again. This past week Bruce and I would have celebrated our 12th anniversary… together. Instead once again, I celebrated… alone… But that’s okay. I’d rather celebrate the love we shared than pretend it never happened. So if you don’t mind, while my celebrations tend to be similar, I would love to share my day (and my thoughts) with you again.

I started the morning watching the sunrise at the beach where Bruce’s ashes were scattered off shore. I can’t explain it, but I just wanted the first moments of the day to be spent with him. For lunch, I celebrated “us” at our favorite restaurant. (I have gone every year, and the staff never fails to make it special.)

For the afternoon, I headed back to the beach with roses, a beer and a card – gifts for Bruce… My way of commemorating a wonderful man. I have also done this every year, and every year the same thing happens… The beer and the card are immediately taken by the waves. (I like to believe they are taken by Bruce.) However, the flowers are different… Every year (at first), all three roses will go out into the waves, but without fail, Bruce always manages to send one back to me… And no matter how high up on the shore I place my chair, one rogue wave will always bring one rose back and leave it right in front of me… The first few years that would become a battle as I kept trying to throw it back, only to have the ocean simply place it right back at my feet. Now… I just smile and accept it as a gift from Bruce… a sign that he is still nearby… still watching and loving me.

There is so much I could write here about my feelings, but I think the card and note I gave Bruce sums it up…

It isn’t easy being so in love with you
And not being able to see you every day!
There are times when I’d give anything
Just to be able to gaze into your eyes
Or hold you in my arms
Even for a few minutes.
I always feel incomplete
Like a part of me is missing,
When we’re not together.
I know that, right now,
This is how things have to be,
But that doesn’t make it any easier to bear.
Every day without you just reminds me
Of the joy you add to my life,
Joy that I’m missing a lot.
So don’t forget that I love you.
That I’m thinking of you,
And that I’m counting every minute
Until we’re together again.
~Hallmark card (Of course – don’t they say it best!)

My note:
Happy anniversary, Babe! Wow! It’s hard to believe – today would have been 12 years. It’s hard to believe that so long ago, we were both so nervous and excited at the idea of “living happily ever after.” How could we know how deep our love would run… and how very short our time together?

I must confess… My heart breaks each morning as I awake and remember… you are gone… and I am still here. I miss you so much… even time has not managed to change that. Today I am celebrating “us.” Some of that includes tears, but mostly it is smiles over such beautiful, precious memories.

This morning I watched the sunrise and thought of your last text to me – a picture of the sunrise at this same beach saying you wished I were there… Me too! (I believe that is one of my only regrets.)

For lunch, I am at “our” restaurant in Cocoa – toasting us… and remembering our last anniversary dinner here. You made it such a special night. You made me feel like the only woman in the world – a princess… I felt so loved. Even then, we had no idea our time was almost done. All we could see was each other and our future together.

I’ll never understand why God chose this path for us. All I can do is patiently wait until we are together again… in each other’s arms or hand in hand exploring heaven together.

Please stay beside me, Babe… You are my heart and you fill my soul.

I will love you always and forever!

This year, this day held a few tears but mostly I tried to remember to be grateful for what we had… and patient with myself. I still miss him. I can’t help it. There’s a loneliness I can’t explain, and I can’t shake. The one thing in this world I want – I can’t have… But I DO have beautiful memories of our love…

I am so thankful for that, Babe! Happy Anniversary!

I am also thankful for this virtual group. Your support and kind notes always touch my heart, and I feel closer to you through the experiences we share. Through the stories and thoughts we share here, I hope others will realize what they feel is normal… We are all dealing with some extremely intense, emotional stuff, and none of us needs to handle this alone. Learning to navigate this journey is different for each of us. It brings its individual challenges and lessons. Through it we come to realize we are stronger than we thought we were. If any of this feels familiar, we are here, you are not alone. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. *

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… On Boundaries

This week has been a perfect storm… It has been the kickoff of the hardest season of the year for me – a time of celebrations and special days where every few days I am hit with the knowledge that I am here and Bruce is gone. It has also been the week leading up to the full moon… I know there is evidence on both sides of this fence, but from my own experience, the few days prior to the full moon seem to always trigger sadness in me. (Usually, though, I don’t know why I am feeling that way until I finally get the chance to see the moon.) And finally, this has been the week I am supposed to start saying “no” at least once a day.

WHAT???

Yes, you heard me… I have been working on myself lately, and learning how to set boundaries. That may sound pretty basic, but it is something I just never seemed to learn. I grew up in a strict home, (which is fine). It just meant (in our home) children didn’t dare say “no” to anything. Then, in my first marriage, it was the same. He was in charge, and I knew the consequences of crossing him. “No” was not an option there either… The difference is as an adult, “no” should be an option.

When I married Bruce, however, life was different. He not only accepted the fact that I had a mind of my own, he encouraged me to speak up. He never got angry if I disagreed or said “no.” In fact, he was amazingly supportive in that area… In those few years together, my confidence grew as my ability to speak up grew.

BUT, when Bruce died, I lost that… I don’t know why but when he died and I lost his support, I also lost my confidence. Throughout these last few years, I have said over and over how I felt I went backward emotionally when he died… And This is one of the main areas where I lost my footing. The problem has been I know how I feel, but without that deep genuine support (which I didn’t know how to ask for) I felt I couldn’t speak up.

Instead, I have held things in until I exploded in some type of gross display of self-righteous anger… knowing I was leaving hurt in my wake, but not knowing how to do it any different. This has been even more prominent in my grief… Things have happened which were hurtful, but rather than speaking up, I have held my emotions in until I exploded… The problem is I have been too caught up in my own pain to see the pain I have been causing others… until lately…

If this has never been an issue for you, then this probably sounds nuts. However, if you were always told to “be a good girl,” “don’t be mean,” and definitely “don’t cross others,” then you know exactly what I am talking about… Learning to speak up for myself in a way that is not hurtful to others is a learned skill… one I am still working on.

So, I have been working with a mentor/coach while reading the books Emotional Intelligence 2.0 by Bradberry and Greaves and Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend to help me make sense of something I don’t understand but genuinely want to fix about myself…

Briefly, I’d like to share some of the things I have learned. First, there are three main obstacles to setting boundaries. People who struggle with setting boundaries usually do so because of one (or more) of these… (For me, it seems to be all three.):

1. A fear of the loss of the relationship (or abandonment). If this is you, it is scary to set limits because you worry you the whole relationship will fall apart. However, this can also leave you feeling like you are a hostage to the relationship. So, what can you do? First, don’t feel like you must be the “fixer.” Instead, broaden the number of people you depend on… People who can empathize – who are willing to just be with you and listen without trying to give solutions… People who understand advice is good, but it has a place and that place is second! Having that safe place to vent, allows you to think things through/talk things out without fear of judgement, making it easier to set necessary limits. (You’d be surprised what a big deal this is!)

2. A fear of conflict – If this is you, conflict avoidance is your game. Here’s the thing… We are taught about conflict in our families of origin. However, if we are taught that we are not allowed to be mad, and we are responsible for other people’s happiness, then instead of learning that conflict can be a good thing, we learn that conflict is bad. This is how “people pleasers” are created. The problem is people pleasers do not set boundaries. Instead, they “train” the people around them to get mad in order to get what they want from the people pleaser. So, bravery is required here… Again, having support will us be courageous when it comes to conflict.

3. Guilt – If this is you, setting boundaries, leaves you feeling guilty. There is a fear that our boundaries may somehow damage the other person, and the last thing we want is to hurt those around us. But here is some food for thought… There is a huge difference between “hurt” and “harm.” They are not the same thing. Sometimes things may hurt in the short term, but help us in the long run. Hurt can allow for growth through honest feedback, but the long run, it creates a more harmonious relationship. Harm, on the other hand, does long term damage. When we confuse these two, it leads to mistrust and seeing others as more fragile than they really are. The best answer here is to respect the other person enough to be honest without being hurtful… Give the other person enough respect to let them adapt to the “no.”

Finally, if abuse is a part of your history (as in my first marriage) it can be even more important to find help and support from others in order to create and keep boundaries… Someone to help “hold you up” when you feel like giving up. This was what Bruce did for me for years… He not only supported me, he encouraged me to set boundaries and never got angry or upset with me when I did. This gave me the courage and to say “no”… And for the first time, I felt like I had some type of control. Why? Because I didn’t have to worry about being abandoned, OR an argument or being made to feel guilty… His support was priceless.

But when he died, somehow I lost all I had learned… So here I am at 55, working on setting boundaries. Each week I have had “homework” to help me figure this out one baby step at a time. For example, last week, I simply monitored each time I wanted to say “no” but didn’t. This week, I was supposed to say “no” or set a limit at least once a day.

This is where I stumbled…

I’m not used to speaking up. So, to me when I try to speak up, it seems to come out all wrong. It’s not like writing, Here I have a rough draft that sounds awkward and rough, but I can rewrite it as many times as I need to before anyone “hears” it. No… when I am talking, I only get one shot, and right now, it just feels awkward.

I won’t lie… I am extremely uncomfortable with this. So many times this week I wanted to give up and go back to my old habits… But that really isn’t what I want – not deep down. At this point in my journey, I desperately want to be more positive… and to do so, I need to be able to do this for myself. So, here I am walking into another week and trying again… Knowing my heart will be hurting even more this week as Bruce and my anniversary approaches, but also knowing I can do this…

With the right mindset (and support) … I know I can do this.

Let me say how thankful I am for this group. Your notes and messages always touch my heart, and I feel close to you through the experiences we share. Through these stories and the thoughts we share, I hope others will realize what they feel is normal… We are all dealing with some pretty intense, emotional stuff, and none of us needs to handle this alone. Learning to navigate this journey is different for each of us. It brings its individual challenges and lessons. Through it we come to realize we are stronger than we thought we were. If any of this feels familiar, we are here, you are not alone. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. *

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… And the Learning Continues

I know life is one long learning experience… I also know the minute we think we have it all figured out, life will throw us a curve ball. However, when it happens it is hard to see it as an opportunity to learn. For me though, this grief journey seems to have taken this same idea and multiplied it. Even the little things I think I have learned came around over and over. These last few weeks have been no exception. I have felt myself sinking lower and lower, and struggling to find a way out. This weekend, I spent some time on the beach putting my thoughts to paper and letting out the emotions.

Dear Babe,

Hi! I took today off… I just needed some time here on the beach… with you. Life has gotten so busy these days. Don’t get me wrong – I prefer this busyness to being alone, but lately it has felt a bit overwhelming. So much of the time, I feel numb going from one thing to the next. So, today is a “me” day… and right now is “us” time. I think this is what I need to get my bearings once again.

When I told Michael I was heading to the beach today, he responded, “Want to spend time with Papa?” Even he knows you are still my rock… my safe space in the storm. I read an article today written by someone (“an old man”) who has grieved many people. It was so accurate. He described the waves that come over you – even years later… And how that is normal. (Which is good to know since I was beginning to think I was losing it.) *

Lately, I have seen the waves on the horizon… I know the next three months are my hardest. It is one special day after another – each one a reminder you are not here, and I am alone… a reminder of what we had and how much I miss you… a renewal of anger, frustration, and confusion about why… Almost five years later and I still don’t get it… Why did it have to be this way? Why do I still wake up each day to a broken heart when I realize you aren’t there beside me?… I know this is real… I know it isn’t a dream… But it is still hard to accept.

I have let myself cry most of the day today… something I haven’t done in months. I think I needed it though. It’s one of those things I used to do as much as I needed, but now it is different. Now, I try to be aware of those around me, and how it affects them. I know it causes them distress. Yet, when I hold it in, I think that affects them, as well.

I don’t know exactly how, but my daughter can sense it. She is great about letting me have the time I need – like this time today, more time tomorrow and all of next weekend. She knows this time of year is hard for me. And while I know my grief is hard for her, she gives me this… This gift of time to grieve freely. She will call me out if I sink too low or become too negative… But her support is incredible, and I am thankful.

It’s weird but this past summer when I was struggling, someone else commented that I was “putting out a lot of negative vibes.” That really hurt to hear at the time, but I couldn’t argue it… I still can’t – They were right. They knew that wasn’t my normal behavior, but they didn’t know what was going on. I, on the other hand, couldn’t talk about it. Maybe I wasn’t willing or maybe I felt they can’t understand how much I still hurt, because they’ve never experienced it… I felt I couldn’t explain it because it can only be experienced. To be honest, my daughter doesn’t understand it either, she just understands me… But, I guess that seems to work.

As for the rest of the world, these next few months are ones of joy and celebrations. I will have to balance that with my own need to grieve and feel what I feel. Sometimes that is really hard… Does any of this even make sense, Babe?

I still miss you so much! Did you know when you died, it feels like most of me died too? I’m definitely not the person I was. When we met, I was excited about life and so naïve about people. You always smiled, but warned me to be careful… Now, I am quiet, not so trusting and pretty content to be alone with my family or my own thoughts. I don’t know… maybe all of this is a relatively normal part of the process.

Life really knocked the wind out of me when you died, and I don’t think I’ve gotten my breath back yet… Maybe that’s not entirely true. I guess, I have for the most part… But when the waves hit (like now), it still feels so overwhelming. Then, I come here… And between the waves and the writing, I can let go… I can cry… I can breathe… I remember… And I smile.

I miss you… I would give anything to have you here beside me. I’ll never understand why that wasn’t to be… But I am so thankful for what we did have… So thankful to have known real love – even if it was only for a little while.

My heart will always be yours, Babe… Always and forever, I will love you!

* The article: http://beautythings.info/2017/09/24/when-asked-for-advice-on-how-to-deal-with-grief-this-old-man-gave-the-most-incredible-reply/

This weekend was good for me. Thinking things through, writing things down and just letting myself feel what I did was very healing. The rest of this weekend, I have started to feel more positive… More like me. It’s strange, but as the old man in the article says, I “know that somehow <I> will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but <I’ll> come out.” That seems to be the lesson, I am learning over and over… The lesson that “The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don’t really want them to. But you learn that you’ll survive them. And other waves will come. And you’ll survive them too.” *

I am so thankful for this group. Your notes and messages are heartfelt, and I feel close to you through the experiences we share. Through these stories and thoughts we share, I hope others will realize what they feel is normal… We are all dealing with some pretty intense, emotional stuff, and none of us needs to handle this alone. Learning to navigate this journey is different for each of us. It brings its individual challenges and lessons. Through it we come to realize we are stronger than we thought we were. If any of this feels familiar, we are here, you are not alone. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. *

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.