Too Much
Some days the pain is so great.
Some days it is too much.
But still I must put a smile on my face
And walk out to face the world.
I must pretend all is well.
But inside…
The pain is so great…
It is too much…
Too much…
~Linda, Sept 2013
When Bruce first died, the pain and grief were intense. If someone had asked me to put it on a scale from 1 – 10, I would have said 10+++. The pain was horrific. There were days when it even hurt to breathe. No… A “10” would not even begin to describe how much it hurt. Over time, however, one would think that would change… It seems logical that over time that number would go down. The pain would lessen. At this point, (after all these years) perhaps it should only be a 1 or 2. But I’m here to tell you, that’s not the way it works… Not on the inside, anyway.
I should have known that was not going to happen. So many times, from the very beginning, I heard or read that the pain of grief never heals… Everything I read said it would be like a scar – healed over yet never the same.
I have to say, I disagree…
It has been over 4 years, since Bruce died… And if I had to give this journey a number now, it would easily still be an 8… And some days maybe even still a 10. Also, I would not describe this as a mere scar. It is more like a wound that is still angry and tender. Yet, somehow, the skin has managed to grow over it, and it is far from healed.
All it takes is something simple – a song on the radio, a memory out of nowhere, even a gesture from a stranger – and the tears start to form. But, what do I do? In the beginning, I cried… I felt what I felt. However, at this point in time, I usually suck it back in. I have things to do, places to go and people to see, and the last thing I want is for anyone to see me crying about something no one can fix. Besides, (and probably even more to the point) I don’t want to explain that, yes, after all these years, I am still hurting… I still miss Bruce and I still want our life back.
Back when all of this was new and the pain was fresh, people were understanding of my grief and my feelings. They were patient, and they were kind. After all this time, though, even I wouldn’t have imagined it would still hurt like this. So, of course, people don’t get it… After all this time, they are pretty sure there must be something wrong with me. After all, …
- Why can’t I just get over it already?
- Why don’t I just think about something else?
- Why don’t I go out and meet someone else and move on?
- What the hell is wrong with me, anyway?
Honestly, I ask myself these same questions. Actually though, there is nothing wrong with me… The reality is – this is all quite normal. In fact, from what I have read and heard from other widows(-ers), we all tend to put on a smile for the rest of the world, while on the inside we are crying and kicking and screaming – rebelling against this whole fiasco which is now our life.
At the same time, I can’t really blame anyone else for what they are thinking. I wouldn’t have expected this, so how could they? They’ve never been here. They have no idea what this is really like… And as long as I keep smiling on the outside, no one can know the ugly truth of what it really feels like to lose your best friend and soulmate… What it is to be absolutely lonely – always the outsider looking in – never quite sure where or if you fit in anywhere at all.
Yet, at the same time, I don’t really want to talk to anyone about it anymore. I don’t know what I would say that I haven’t already said before… Besides, they are probably as tired of hearing it, as I am of feeling it… The problem is I do feel it…
And I think those feelings may be around for a bit longer.
Everyone deals with grief’s emotions in their own way and for as long as they need to… These are only my thoughts and observations this week as I found myself smiling on the outside while I cried on the inside. Maybe grief has been that way for you, as well. Learning to navigate this journey tends to show us we are stronger than we thought, and yet, always vulnerable. If any of this feels familiar, we are here, you are not alone. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. *
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