grief journey – Page 38 – Peace, Love & Grief

Peace, Love and Grief… That’s Not What I Ordered!

I never thought I would live without you…
But I do.
I never thought I would spend the holidays alone…
But I have.
I never thought I would celebrate life’s joys alone…
But I will.
I don’t know what I am supposed to learn from all of this…
But I keep searching…
There must be something…
I just need to find it.
~ Linda, 2013

We have a great Mexican restaurant in our town. The food is always fresh, and the servers are attentive and hard-working. In my experience, the only drawback seems to be language barriers. Between my Spanish and their English, we can usually understand each other. However, there have been times when I what ordered and what I received were two different things.

Obviously, I can’t say this is the only restaurant where this has happened, because I’m sure if you have ever eaten out, you too have experienced something similar. Over my lifetime, it has happened many times and in many places. I’ll also admit, if it looks okay or it’s not a major difference, I won’t usually say anything – I’ll just go ahead and eat it. (Although, in the back of my mind, I can’t help but think it wasn’t what I ordered.) However, if it isn’t at all to my taste, whether it is good or bad is irrelevant. At that point, I’ll usually let them know it wasn’t what I ordered…

So, either way, I guess that is bottom line… Good or bad… When it isn’t what I ordered, there is disappointment on some level, .

When I was thinking about this the other day, I couldn’t help but compare this to my life right now.

People will ask me how I’m doing or make a comment about how much “better” I’m doing… And all I can think is they have no idea. This grief thing is not a positive vs negative thing… It’s not about feeling better today than I did yesterday about losing Bruce, nor is it about healing… That’s all crap!

I will always miss Bruce. I will always wish he were still here beside me. There really isn’t anything positive to feel here. Instead, when they ask me, I find myself thinking, “This isn’t what I thought my life was going to be. This isn’t what we had planned.” In other words, “This isn’t what I ordered!”

But that isn’t what I say… Because unlike my restaurant experiences, it doesn’t matter if I like this or not… Or if I can make do or not. I don’t have the option of sending this back and getting what I wanted. Instead, I simply have keep on going and learn to live with it…

However, this is where my choice to be positive or negative kicks in.

This is where I have to decide how I want to experience the rest of my life… Do I want to live my life in bitterness and frustration over what isn’t? Or do I want to live my life focusing on the (sometimes hidden) blessings of each day?

Admittedly, some days are harder than others. I don’t reprimand myself for those days… I let myself feel what I feel. Those emotions are valid and need to be addressed. However, I also don’t want that to be my primary outlook on life.

Instead, remembering to find the blessings of each day is my goal. Reminding myself that the river doesn’t try to push the rocks out of its way, but instead, flows around them… This is my goal, and I know I have to do it one day at a time. So, each morning, I pray that “Just for today, I will appreciate my blessings.”

This is my way of remembering that life is made up of both positive and negative… It is what I choose to focus on, that will determine my outlook… And that is a day by day, moment by moment experience.

“Don’t run from negative or to positive – both are a part of life.” ~ Dr. Susan Delaney

Each of us dealing with loss knows what a tough road this can be. I don’t think it is ever an easy one to accept. It’s not what we planned or what we wanted. I know finding the blessings in life can be easier some days than others, but I can’t let myself give up… even on the tough days. Have you ever felt that way? Would you be willing to share your story or thoughts? To do so, go to the comments and leave a note. *

Who knows… your story may the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you!

Peace, Love and Grief… Recalculating

They call it a grief journey,
But isn’t it really just my life journey
With a turn I didn’t expect?
My initial reaction is fear that I am lost;
This was a wrong turn.
But in time,
I know I will get my bearings
And keep moving forward.
~ Linda, September 2013

I don’t know if there is anyone else out there who still uses an old-fashioned GPS system. You know… The kind the sits on the dash versus using your phone. Well, I do… (I can’t really say why, except it is what I prefer.) If you know what I am talking about, then you may also remember what happens when you fail to follow its directions…

First, it will try to direct you to turn around… For example, “In 100 yards, make a U-turn.” The thing is when this usually happens, it is because I am choosing to go a different way. So, when I also fail to make the required U-turn, it will start saying, “Recalculating, Recalculating,” as it tries to find a new way to reach the intended destination.

Not too long ago, on a trip to NC, I plugged the address to the hotel into the contraption incorrectly. I simply transposed two letters. And wouldn’t you know it, both roads exist in this town. After driving further and further in what felt like the wrong direction, I found myself in a very dark, scary part of the town. It was late at night and everything was closed.

Looking around for a place that seems well lit, I decided to turn around and pull into a grocery store parking lot to get my bearings. Of course, my GPS immediately started insisting that I turn around and resume my journey. By the time I finally parked under one of the parking lot lamps, it seemed to be in a panic. It couldn’t seem to find the direction of my car in relation to the roads, as the voice kept “screaming” at me, “RECALCULATING! RECALCULATING!”

I sat there for a few minutes, crying in frustration (and probably a little fear), as I tried to figure out where I was, where I wanted to be, and why I was heading in the (now obviously) wrong direction. For the record, I ended up calling for help, and eventually found my hotel. But, that’s not why I am relaying this story.

Later, when I was thinking about what had happened, it dawned on me what a perfect metaphor for grief!

When Bruce was alive, we were both content and happy. Life was going the way we thought it should. Don’t get me wrong, life wasn’t perfect. Like anyone else, we had the occasional “lane change” or “unexpected turn,” but it was never anything we couldn’t manage together. For example, there was the time Bruce’s company closed unexpectedly, and he was suddenly unemployed. Or the multiple times, my X would decide to do his “stalking/harassing” thing. Or the inevitable crises that are a part of raising teenagers. (And the list goes on…)

But, when Bruce passed away, it was as if my life had taken a path of its own. I found myself begging the universe/God (or whatever word you want to use) to turn back around! I wanted my old life back! This was not the direction I wanted to travel.

It didn’t take long for me to realize there was no turning back. That was when I felt completely lost. I didn’t know which way to go… I could almost hear myself shouting “Recalculating,” as I struggled to get my bearings.

As time passed, I learned to reach out for help in many ways and with various people. Over time, life has found a new path… It is calmer, mostly because I have learned to “go with it” rather than fight it. But it’s not the path I would have chosen. I guess, this is what is called my “new normal.”

However, I know this isn’t the end of the journey. While I have no idea what the road ahead will hold, I am sure there will be more unexpected turns and twists… I am also just as sure each new day will find me hovering on the cusp of a new adventure and/or a new beginning… And while there are still days when I am simply not up for it, I know ultimately, it is up to me to decide how to look it.

Each of us dealing with loss knows what a tough road this can be. Even if you are realistic enough to know one day you will be on this journey, it is never an easy one to accept. I know some days are easier than others, and I can’t let myself give up on the tough days. Still… there are days when I would give anything to make a U-turn and go back to what we used to have. Have you ever felt that way? Would you be willing to share your story or thoughts? To do so, go to the comments and leave a note. *

Who knows… your story may the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love and Grief… Moving On

I thought we had forever…
I never knew we were counting down
from the day we met.
~ Linda, September 2013

I have now spent five years on this “grief journey,” as it is called… And let me just say, “It still sucks!” And while I am better at navigating my way, there are still challenges that can be beyond frustrating.

I remember when this first started… There were people who thought I should be “over it” within a few months. There were others who made it quite clear, one year was more than enough time. I even remember someone saying, “Well, I understand for now, but if you are still grieving and alone after two years, I’m going to worry about you… That wouldn’t be good.” Or, “You really need to move on… after all, you aren’t the first person to lose a husband.” Or “When are you going to get on with your life?” But I think the most hurtful one is “I’m really tired of this, when are you going to get back to normal?” (You think you’re tired of this? I would give anything for my life to be normal again!)

People have said so many variations of this to me in my grief. While I realize these people are genuinely, well-intentioned, to be honest, their statements come across as extremely insensitive. In the beginning, these statements (and ones like them) made me extremely angry. I found myself pushing these people away and withdrawing more and more into myself.

Over time, though, I have learned not to get angry. Instead, I chalk it up to ignorance… I know they mean well. What they don’t understand is they are giving advice about something they have yet to experience. (Like when your teenager tells you what they are going to do when they are an adult.) Instead, their advice is based on what they believe they would do in my situation. The problem is they haven’t been in my situation… Of the two of us, I am the only one who has seen both sides.

Sometimes I even feel sorry for them… I can’t help but wonder if and when they do lose their spouse, will they remember their own advice? Will they feel they must follow their own advice and not allow themselves the time they will need to grieve?

If I thought they might actually listen, there is so much I would really like to say… Things I wish they could understand without going through this experience.

For example, …

1. Loss (and grief) changes you… I can never go back to who I was because I can never undo this experience… I wish these people could understand that before I even had a chance to come to grips with what happened, I was bombarded with decisions – decisions about donating organs, cremation, insurance, bank accounts, bills, and the list goes on and on. In my case, there was no one who could really help me… I was living hundreds of miles from any family. Plus, both of my parents are still alive, both of Bruce’s parents are alive, all of our siblings are still with their spouses, and none of my close friends had lost a spouse either. There was no one I could turn to for help who had been where I suddenly found myself, because I was the first.

2. Please don’t use the phrase “at least ____,” as in “At least he didn’t suffer,” or “At least you can remarry,” or “At least he is in a better place,” or “At least you had eight years together.” I realize that these words are meant to bring comfort. People are trying to point out a so-called positive, so I won’t be sad. However, when someone uses the term “at least,” I don’t feel better. Instead, I feel as if my love for Bruce, my pain and this whole experience are being minimized. Instead, just let me be sad sometimes… Validate my feelings by simply sitting beside me… You don’t need to say anything… I know you can’t fix it… Just hug me and listen. It really is that simple.

3. Please define “Move On” and “Get Over It,” because I don’t believe there is any such thing. Besides, these are really vague terms. I get the impression they mean for me to live my life the way they believe I should. (No, thank you.) Besides, I couldn’t do that even if I wanted to… (see #1). I will never “recover” in the way you recover from a sore throat, but I am learning to reorganize and refocus. It just happens to be in my own direction and at my own pace.

4. When you say these things, I hear you, but you never make it a discussion. It’s always just a comment made here and there, but I hear you… I, also, lose trust with you. Over these past five years, when people make their “helpful” comments, I find myself isolating more and more… limiting those whom I feel safe to share with and only crying when I am alone. In other words, my world has slowly gotten smaller and smaller, as my trust is slowly whittled away.

Here’s the thing… When someone we love dies, the idea of them being forgotten is terrifying. For whatever reason, it becomes our mission to tell their story – to be sure they are never forgotten. Why? Because, then they are never really gone.

So, you see, those of us in grief will never be able to do what you ask… The people we love died, but they will always be a part of us. However, whenever we take action and move our grief in a positive direction, we are making a difference in our journey… No matter how small the step. For example, this blog is my way of reaching out… a neighbor of mine started a widows’ social group (which is amazing!), a co-worker started a day of kindness project, and another friend holds an annual golf event.

So, please remember, love grows love. That is why we do what we do… because we loved. So please, instead of trying to fix me or direct me, just sit with me… be willing to move with me… That will help more than you could ever know.

For each of us dealing with loss, the comments made by those around us can be hurtful. I don’t know if it ever stops or gets any easier to ignore. I know I just wish they could realize what they are saying… Does any of this sound familiar? Have you ever felt this way? Would you be willing to share your story or thoughts? To do so, go to the comments and leave a note.*

Who knows… your story may the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love and Grief… Grief Attacks

As I wrote last week, the holidays create so many mixed emotions. There are so many things about this time of year which I wish I could help those around me understand. Yet, I believe for them to understand, they would have to experience a loss like mine… (And that is something I would never wish on anyone.)

I know I am incredibly blessed to have so many loving family and friends. At the same time, there will always be a piece of my heart that is missing – an emptiness created when Bruce died. At this point, I believe I do a pretty good job putting a smile on my face and moving forward…

Except when I can’t…

Do you know what I’m talking about? I’m talking about those moments when the sadness and grief are completely overwhelming… The tears insist on coming no matter how hard I try to keep them in… These are the moments I now call Grief Attacks. *

Grief Attacks can be triggered by all kinds of things. Sometimes they are triggered by obvious things such sweet memories or songs which arouse those feelings of longing and loss. Other times, it may be the glimpse of someone who looks similar (and causes a double take)… or has similar mannerisms… or a truck like his… or the smell of his cologne.

One of the biggest triggers for me, however, seems to be when I am feeling completely overwhelmed… when life throws me a curve ball which I now have to now handle alone. When Bruce was here, I never had to handle these moments alone. Even if it was only the sanctuary of his arms, I always knew he was there for me. No matter how hurt I felt, I never felt alone… I always knew he was there. So, when those moments hit, all I want is the comfort of Bruce’s arms… The very thing I cannot have.

Now, let’s be honest… Sometimes during the holidays – during this season of joy and family – life gets overwhelming. It’s no one’s fault. There is just a lot going on, and our emotions are charged. This has always been… It is not anything new because Bruce is gone. The difference is not having him to lean on.

Yes, I know, we are supposed to be strong on our own… I get that and for the most part, I am. But, we all need someone else every now and then. For me, Bruce was that person, and I was his. Now, though, I am on this road alone. And when things feel overwhelming, I feel like a child… Bruce is who I want… Bruce is who I need… But Bruce is the one person who cannot help me, and so the grief attacks come…

This is awkward enough during the normal parts of the year. Family and friends try to understand and give me the space I need, even if they don’t quite understand where this sudden burst of grief came from. During the holidays, though, I think it is harder for others to understand. After all, it is a time of celebration… a time of love and family.

This weekend while celebrating a family wedding, one of those moments hit me (again). I was fine during the wedding. You would think that would have been a trigger. However, I smiled with joy watching these two young people declare their love for each other. The reception was also a blast. I laughed and danced with friends, my daughters and my grandson.

The grief attack came when the lights dimmed further, the music slowed, and the older couples braved the dance floor. As I stood there watching so many couples dancing as they gazed into each others’ eyes and whispered things which brought smiles and light kisses, the tears started flowing of their own accord. In that moment, my longing for Bruce and the love we shared left me feeling completely overwhelmed. Luckily, it didn’t last any longer than the song… As the couples left the floor, I was able to reign it back in before anyone else seemed to notice… Thank goodness!

From what I understand, these attacks have nothing to do with time… They are likely to continue indefinitely… And now that I know they are “normal,” I’m not as concerned about trying to explain myself to anyone else.

Besides, I am still at a total loss on how to explain these to anyone else. How do I help them understand that this is just a part of the whole journey? Yes, I may have been “fine” a few moments ago. Yes, I love the people around me. Yes, I know it has been a long time and in a lot of people’s minds I should be over it. But in these moments, I need the one person who will never be by my side again… I need Bruce, and no one else can fill that void.

* Grief Attacks is a term I learned while listening to Dr. Bill Webster’s series on Understanding Grief.

Happy New Year to our virtual group. Please know my thoughts and prayers are for all of us as we begin another year without our loved ones by our side. Our support for each other always touches my heart, and I feel close to you through the experiences we share. We are all dealing with some extremely intense, emotional stuff, and none of us needs to handle this alone. Learning to navigate this journey is different for each of us. It brings its individual challenges and lessons. Through it we come to realize we are stronger than we thought we were. If any of this feels familiar, we are here, you are not alone. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. *

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love and Grief… Happy Christmas to All…

Today creates so many mixed emotions… I feel incredibly blessed to have so many loving family and friends in my life. At the same time, there will always be a piece of my heart that is sad without Bruce… Something I know they cannot truly understand. So, while I smile for my family, I am still crying on the inside… In a quiet place deep inside where I won’t mess up anyone else’s holiday.

I miss you, Babe!… I love you… Always and forever!

I have listened to this song over and over this week. So instead of writing today, I’m going to spend time with my loved ones, and leave this right here. Hopefully, it touches your heart as it has mine.

The Piano Guys – The Sweetest Gift
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RFvDieQpzZk

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to our virtual support group. Please know my thoughts and prayers are for all of us as we find our way through these celebrations without our loved ones by our side.

Our support for each other always touches my heart, and I feel close to you through the experiences we share. We are all dealing with some extremely intense, emotional stuff, and none of us needs to handle this alone. Learning to navigate this journey is different for each of us. It brings its individual challenges and lessons. Through it we come to realize we are stronger than we thought we were. If any of this feels familiar, we are here, you are NOT alone. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. *

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief
* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Dear Me

When I opened Face Book earlier this week, there was a “memory” waiting for me… an “On This Day” moment. The year was 2012… exactly one month prior to Bruce’s death. That was the Christmas we had decided to give each other a trip to Jamaica instead of gifts, and that was the day Bruce had booked the trip. We were both so excited… We had no idea that was one trip we would never take… Instead, time ran out for us.

When I saw the post, I started thinking, “You had no idea… You were so excited, but you had no idea your whole world was about to fall apart.” Then I thought, what if the “current me” could write a letter to the “past me?” Well, first of all, I wouldn’t actually want the past me to receive the letter until after Bruce’s death. Why ruin those last few beautiful weeks together? I’ve always been pretty certain he knew his time was short, but chose not to tell me. As time has passed, I have actually come to understand the wisdom in that… So, then… what would I say?

There is so much that came to mind…

Written today, to be opened on 1/14/2012:

(As the country song says…) Dear younger me,

This is you… Well, it’s me, but I’m you… Five years older but still you. I wanted to write this mostly to let you know, you’re going to be okay. I know you haven’t even thought about that yet. Shoot, I know you haven’t even truly wrapped your brain around what has happened yet. That’s okay… You’re in shock, and you’re numb. It’s your mind’s way of protecting you right now, and you need that. Your family and friends think you’re being strong. I know better… I know you haven’t even come to terms with the idea that this is real.

You are just starting on what is called a grief journey… FYI – It sucks! Sorry, but I’ve got to be honest here. You are about to go through the hardest thing ever!

One of the first things you will realize on this journey is people are going to let you down. It’s what people do to each other… We don’t mean to, but we do… and they will. Just like your divorce, the people you imagine will be there for you, will either step back a little or back away completely. It’s going to hurt, and you’re going to be mad… But, trust me, you need to let it go. Just like you, they really are doing the best they can… They just don’t get it.

Also, like your divorce, there will be others who you would never have imagined will be there for you. They will step out of nowhere and stand solidly beside you. Appreciate and love them… They are a gift!

As for your family,… they will be there for you – all of them. You will read a lot of articles that will tell you your in-laws will back out of your life. Don’t panic! Bruce’s family will stay by your side… They love you (and it’s a forever kind of love).

Another thing about grief is the way every nerve… every fiber of your being feels raw. You will feel out of sorts for a long time. I am five years ahead of you, and I still have days where I struggle. I’m not sure if this ever goes away completely, but it will get better. However, the worst part of this “raw” feeling is everything will hurt your feelings, and everything will make you cry. You will feel like you are losing your mind, but I promise, you’re not. It’s normal… It’s all a part of grieving… And it will get better. (A word to the wise, though: Be careful what you say when you are upset… Try taking a breath… or two… or three before you speak.)

In the beginning, you will feel a lot of guilt about Bruce’s death. Don’t! The Medical Examiner will call you (much) later to tell you, but you need to know now. You couldn’t save him. You did the best you could, but when his heart stopped, nothing was going to make it start again. He needed a transplant… CPR (whether from you or a professional) would not have made a difference. So, stop blaming yourself for not saving him… Just stop!

Here’s another thing… You will be very angry… Angry with what happened… Angry at the world… Angry with God… Just VERY angry. You’re going to deny it, but it’s really okay. Some people will tell you it’s wrong or a sin to be mad at God. Poppycock! God’s shoulders are big, and he knows you are hurting. And as time passes, you will actually find your faith is stronger… different, but stronger. That is because it will be completely yours… Not something you were told to believe, but instead, it will be based on your own experiences and your own path… This path. It will take a while, but you will come out stronger on the other side. (FYI – There will be a few people who will judge you for this… Pretty harshly, actually. That’s okay. That is their issue – not yours. Just let it go and move on.)

Here’s another thing… For the record, those “stages of grief” you will be reading about are B.S. First of all, those were written for people who are trying to accept their own impending death… not someone who is grieving a loss… not you. Don’t get me wrong, you will feel all those things, but not in any given order and not like a “one and done” checklist. Your emotions will be all over the board… At first, it will feel like being battered by a rough tide with no way out of the water. You will feel like you are being pounded by one wave after another and not way to catch your breath. However over time, the waves will be further and further apart… Still there – just further apart.

This is getting long, so I’m going to leave you with this last thought…

The first year will be the hardest… It will feel like hell! There will be real, physical pain… There will be times when your heart will literally ache, and other times when you will feel like you can’t even breathe. You will experience a loneliness you never even imagined could exist. You will find yourself falling to your knees in the middle of your house and crying for hours until there are no tears left… only pure exhaustion.

During this year, you will wonder why you are still here. You will wonder if you still have a purpose. Each day will look like the one before… gray and hopeless. There will be days, you will beg God to take you, too… Or beg Bruce to come back to get you. All of that is okay… You’re not losing it… But trust me when I tell you to hang in there. You are still needed… You need to do a little healing first… But you definitely still have a purpose. I won’t tell you what, but trust me, you still have a reason for being here.

There is a lot more I would like to say… and a lot more you will learn. However, that’s just it… A lot of this you will need to figure out as you go. You will always love Bruce, and you will always feel him nearby – Hang on to that during those tough moments.

And keep in mind… You will always grieve, because that is the price of love. (Hokey, but true.) But I promise, while you may not think so right now, you really will be okay. In fact,… one day you will even know joy and laughter again. I promise!

Be kind to yourself… and remember you are loved!
Me…

I am so thankful for this virtual group. Our support for each other always touches my heart, and I feel close to you through the experiences we share. What about you? Is there something more you would want to say? What would you tell yourself if you had the chance? Please share your thoughts and stories, so others will realize what they feel is normal too… We are all dealing with some extremely intense, emotional stuff, and none of us needs to handle this alone.

Learning to navigate this journey is different for each of us. It brings its individual challenges and lessons. Through it we come to realize we are stronger than we thought we were. If any of this feels familiar, we are here, you are not alone. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. *

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love and Grief… Grief is a Part of It All

Carol Staudacher – “There is only one way for you to live without grief in your lifetime; that is to exist without love. Your grief represents your humanness, just as your love does.”

This was a good week.

How about that? This time of year is usually a struggle for me, and I have definitely had my moments over the last few weeks… Moments of loneliness and moments of tears… I even had a few of those this week. But, overall… This was a good week.

I wanted to share that this week… When we are grieving, it can be easy to get lost in the tears and sadness. I know for me, there are some days when my grief is all I can see. Yet, there really are other days when I can feel the warmth of life and manage a genuine smile… These are still days when I miss Bruce. The difference is my longing for him and missing him aren’t the only things I can focus on… These are the days when I can smile at the memories, instead of crying. These are the days when I know I am better for having loved Bruce… and that alone makes me smile.

When I sat down to write today, I had several topics I had considered. But truthfully, I am in a good place emotionally, and I don’t want to lose it. That probably sounds silly, but these “good days” are precious to me. These are the days when I feel hope… These are the days I smile without effort and laugh without guilt. These are the days when I think I just might learn to actually love life again.

I don’t think I had any days like this the whole first year. I can’t even tell you when the first day like this even happened. All I know is as time moves on, these days seem to happen more often… But to happen during the holidays and to last for several days? Well, that is a Christmas miracle that is worth sharing!

I know I was blessed to have shared a love with Bruce, and I know I am a better person because I knew him. I know all the sayings about how love, loss and grief are all a part of life. But when it happens to you, it doesn’t feel like a “part of life.” No, it feels very unnatural… It feels wrong.

Instead, what I have found more helpful are those sayings which tell me grief is normal. It is a part of what makes us human. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. There is no timeline or checklist. In fact, it is as individual as each of us…

Which means my good days are just as much a part of my grief journey as my rough days.

I smile again…
Slow at first;
A little awkward.
Then quickly, I shut it down.
Soon I am smiling again…
A little longer,
A little bigger.
One day I will smile like I smiled before…
Full of life and love.
~ Linda, January 2014

I am so thankful for this virtual group. Our support for each other always touches my heart, and I feel close to you through the experiences we share. Do you know what I mean by “good days?” Or is your journey still too hard for “good days?” Please share your thoughts and stories, so others will realize what they feel is normal too… We are all dealing with some extremely intense, emotional stuff, and none of us needs to handle this alone. Learning to navigate this journey is different for each of us. It brings its individual challenges and lessons. Through it we come to realize we are stronger than we thought we were. If any of this feels familiar, we are here, you are not alone. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. *

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love and Grief… Lonely But Not Alone

As the Christmas season takes off with a bang, I find myself in a love/hate relationship with it… I go back and forth between excitement and joy for the season versus tears and sadness because Bruce isn’t here to share it… between feeling loved by my circle of family and friends versus overwhelming loneliness because the person I love is no longer here to by my side.

As we decorate our house or listen to Christmas music, each ornament and song stirs precious Christmas memories. When those memories circle around Bruce, I find myself either smiling… or crying. I never seem know which is coming… There doesn’t seem to be any rhyme or reason to any of it, (and it’s hard to control something you don’t understand). If I am with anyone else, then I really push myself to smile. I know this is a happy season, and the last thing anyone needs to deal with is my grief. But, whenever I am alone and the tears start, I let them come… At least for a little bit, because I need to let it out somehow.

While I don’t understand all the triggers, I know this – I am not alone, but I am lonely… and there is a huge difference.

Being alone refers to the number of people present… For example, one (just me) vs three (me plus the other people who live in my house). I have no problem being alone. I enjoy “me” time and seek it out at least once a week. However, I also enjoy having my daughter and grandson living here. I love their company, the laughter and relationships. I love the feelings of love and support which are a constant in this home. At this point, I am only alone when I choose to be alone… And I love knowing it is a choice.

For me, though, feeling lonely is something completely different… It is that feeling that there is something deep inside that is missing. I believe it is the longing for a specific relationship… One that was taken away without any warning… And to be completely honest, I DON’T LIKE IT! NOT ONE BIT! Even after all this time, I still don’t like it! I would still give absolutely anything to have Bruce back… even for just one more hour… one more moment together.

It is the longing for that relationship… for that person which makes me feel lonely. I believe there will always be a part of me in every moment that will long for Bruce. I know it sounds hokey to say “he completed me.” I know we should “be whole individuals” on our own… But I also know humans are relational. Rare is the person who goes through life absolutely alone (with no one else) and still remains happy. We need other people… We need deep, intimate relationships.

For me, Bruce was the person with whom I shared that deep intimate relationship. He knew and understood me… He knew things about me, no one else will ever know… And yet, he still loved me… I miss that… I miss the way we could share a look and know exactly what the other one was thinking. I miss his hugs and his gentle touch. I miss his smile when he was up to no good, and his laughter when life touched his soul. I miss looking into his eyes and seeing nothing but love in return. I miss the way he believed in me, and supported whatever adventure I wanted to pursue next. I miss all of this and so much more… I miss him…

And that is what makes me feel lonely.

So while there are others here who love me, and I love them, there will always be someone missing – Bruce. And for him, I will always feel lonely… There will always be a part of me, that is missing… a part that feels incomplete and lost.

Lately, I have been better at managing to keep my lonely moments to those times I am alone. However, I guess, this season of love and family also carries many triggers for that loneliness. I do know each year, this season holds more joy and fewer tears than the year before. However, I doubt I will ever get used to the idea of celebrating Christmas, (or living this life), without Bruce…

And even though I am not alone, and I am very loved, there will always be a part of me that is lonely… Please, be patient with me…

I miss you, Babe! <3

I am so thankful for this virtual group. Our support for each other always touches my heart, and I feel close to you through the experiences we share. Is there anyone else out there who is experiencing that loneliness I am talking about? Please share your thoughts and stories, so others will realize what they feel is normal too… We are all dealing with some extremely intense, emotional stuff, and none of us needs to handle this alone. Learning to navigate this journey is different for each of us. It brings its individual challenges and lessons. Through it we come to realize we are stronger than we thought we were. If any of this feels familiar, we are here, you are not alone. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. *

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love and Grief… Remembering to Be Thankful

Holidays are hard… There is no way to sugarcoat it… They just are…

The first Thanksgiving came 10 months after Bruce passed away. At that point, I’m not sure if I was just still too numb or if the pain was still too raw… Or a combination of both. However, I do remember I couldn’t handle the idea of a holiday celebration. I wouldn’t say I couldn’t find anything to be thankful for, but my mind was too overwhelmed with grief to even consider celebrating anything… Not with Bruce gone… I just couldn’t do it.

The next year, I was still hurting, but I did want some special time with family and loved ones, so I spent a very quiet holiday with one of my daughters and her family. It was a wonderfully simple holiday – a very good way to ease back into the idea of celebrating without Bruce. No one pushed me to do more than I felt ready to handle… A good portion of the day was spent just breathing, but there were also smiles, and with love and support, I did it… In fact, by the end of the day I knew exactly what I was thankful for – the love of my family.

The next year, I got a little braver and traveled (alone) to England to spend the holiday with another daughter and her family. Since Thanksgiving is not a holiday over there, Christmas celebrations were already beginning, (but that is another story). We had a lovely time shopping for a “bird” and “American” ingredients which were nearly impossible to find. The day itself couldn’t have been better! It was beautiful… another quiet celebration filled with love and laughter… and a few tears… But once again, I was reminded of what is really important – the people I love.

Last year was different again. My daughter and grandson had moved in with me just a few months earlier, and he was spending Thanksgiving with his father in another state. It was my daughter’s first holiday without her little Bubba, and for reasons I completely understood, we chose to spend the holiday traveling rather than celebrating with the traditional family feast. It was quiet, the beach was soothing, and the company was loving… That year, once again, it was a holiday to be “survived” rather than “enjoyed,” but we made it through… Thankful to be a family again at the end of the weekend.

This year, though, was held its own surprises. This year I felt braver and more thankful than in years past. For the first time since Bruce passed away, I wanted to go back to old Thanksgiving traditions. So, what started as a small, three-person holiday quickly became an old fashioned, “everyone’s coming” Thanksgiving. I took the week off and spent it cooking and cleaning (with my grandson’s help) in preparation. We had all the traditional foods our family loves, plus games for laughter and placemats to write what we were all thankful for. My grandson even made turkey nameplates for everyone at the table… And without telling me, he included one for Bruce.

Including Bruce… That has become one of my traditions since he passed away… Not just remembering Bruce… But actually including him. Each holiday I set up his picture with six candles. Before we say our blessing, we light the candles and remember him. This is my way of including Bruce… But this is also where I get choked up, because this is where it becomes real that I am here, and he is gone.

“Today, we light six candles in honor of you.
1. This candle represents our grief. The pain of losing you is intense. It is a reminder of the depth of our love for you.
2. This candle represents our courage – to confront our sorrow, to comfort each other, and to change our lives.
3. This candle is in your memory – the times we laughed, the times we cried, the times we were angry with each other, the silly things you did, and the caring and joy you gave us.
4. This candle is the light of love. Day by day, we cherish the special place in our hearts that will always be reserved for you. Thank you for the gift your life brought to each of us.
5. This candle is the light of hope. It reminds us of love and memories of you that are ours forever.
6. This candle is the light of eternity – for the day when we will see you again in all God’s glory. We will be together again. We will have healthy, whole bodies and can explore the wonders of heaven together.
May the light of the Lord be our source of hopefulness now and forever.
Amen.” **

The day was wonderful! We haven’t had a family Thanksgiving in years, and I felt continuously blessed throughout the day to be surrounded by those I love. I’ll be honest, there were a few tears shed for Bruce in quiet, private moments, but even those were followed by precious memories of past Thanksgiving celebrations with him by my side…

And an unending thankfulness to have known and loved this wonderful man.

** I found this ceremony on the internet almost immediately after Bruce passed away. I have no idea where it came from or who wrote it. All I know is this ceremony has brought me unlimited comfort on holidays, as I strive to include Bruce and remember the love we shared.

I am so thankful for this virtual group. Your support and kind notes always touch my heart, and I feel close to you through the experiences we share. Does anyone else have a Thanksgiving story to share? Do you have a special way of including your loved one? Please share your thoughts and stories, so others will realize what they feel is normal too… We are all dealing with some extremely intense, emotional stuff, and none of us needs to handle this alone. Learning to navigate this journey is different for each of us. It brings its individual challenges and lessons. Through it we come to realize we are stronger than we thought we were. If any of this feels familiar, we are here, you are not alone. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. *

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love and Grief… Jealous?… Seriously?

“When I see someone with what I lost, I feel the pain all over again.” ~ Rev. Karen Tudor

I remember when this whole thing began… In my support group and in everything I read, I was told I would experience a plethora of emotions. Forget the stages of grief… I would definitely feel those, but it wouldn’t be the “complete the checklist and you’re better” kind of thing. Instead, it would be more like a 3-ring circus with multiple emotions happening all at once – coming and going in the blink of an eye.

In my writings, I have shared most of those feelings, but there is one I’m don’t think I have said out loud… jealousy. Yep… I hate to admit it, but that is one emotion I actually feel more often than I care to admit… and I’m not very proud of myself. It seems to show up in different forms, but it is definitely there, and usually I’m not quite sure what to do with it.

I remember the first time I felt it… I was walking into the grocery store and saw an older couple walking in – hand in hand. Shortly afterward, I was flying to (who knows where) and found myself seated next to a couple about my age, snuggled up, sharing one set of earbuds as they watched a movie together… Both times, it was so sweet… so typical of small moments Bruce and I had shared… And both times I had to look away as tears formed in my eyes. Why did they get a future together? Why not us?

I remember on one business trip, sitting at the hotel bar and listening to the elderly couple next to me flirt with each other. I don’t remember how we started talking but we ended up eating dinner together that night… As it turned out, they were both widows who had just recently married… As I shared my feelings and thoughts (and admitted feeling jealous), they were so kind. I will always remember that night, because they both left me feeling so validated… and normal.

There have been other times, though, which haven’t been as “sweet,” but also left me feeling that tinge…

Just to be clear… I’ve been married, and I know it is normal to argue with the person you love. However, there have been times when I have overheard couples being downright cruel and ugly to each other… Don’t get me wrong, I’m not jealous of the arguing… But I want to shake them silly, because I am jealous that they are still together… still a couple… yet, they don’t seem to appreciate it. All the while, I would give anything for one more conversation or even just one more hug…

There are other times when I listen to friends complain of boredom or lack of love in their relationships… They are only in the relationship “out of obligation”… Honestly, I’m not judging that – I’ve been there, and I get it. What I don’t understand is why Bruce and I don’t get to be together, yet here are these people who don’t even like each other… And they are still together. I know – that sounds awful… I’m not wishing for anyone else to die. I don’t get it – it just doesn’t feel fair… (And I would bet, there are many of you reading this who understand exactly what I mean.)

You’d think that would be it… but it’s not. If you are on Face Book, then I would bet you have seen those notes where people who are still very much in love with their partners will post something that says, “Share this if… you are still married to your soulmate… or you have the best husband/wife ever… or your still love your partner… etc.” I know – These are sweet, and I don’t blame them for shouting it from the mountaintops (or their Face Book feed)… I felt the same way… I guess, that’s why it hits so hard. Every time I read it, I think – “YES! That’s us! … Wait… No, not anymore… I still love him, but does it still count?” Then, I get that pit in my stomach as I scroll past, knowing that is a world where I no longer belong.

Lately several of my friends have announced new relationships or engagements… I love that! I am so excited for them. I remember when Bruce and I first met… I remember the excitement of new love and getting married. I remember feeling like I was the luckiest woman in the world… I remember feeling more loved than I had ever felt in my whole life… I remember all of that… and then, there it is once again… I feel so happy for them… and so sad for Bruce and I.

Everything I read says this is normal… My emotions are normal – they are neither good nor bad. I know it’s what I do with them that makes the difference. Still… I am embarrassed to admit that throughout the years since Bruce died, there have been many times when I have felt this way… sometimes I cry, sometimes I get quiet, and other times I smile… But always there is that tinge of pain and jealousy at what we had… and lost.

Please forgive me…

I am so thankful for this virtual group. Your support and kind notes always touch my heart, and I feel close to you through the experiences we share. Does anyone else out there know what I am talking about? Have you ever felt this way too? Please share your thoughts and stories, so others will realize what they feel is normal too… We are all dealing with some extremely intense, emotional stuff, and none of us needs to handle this alone.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief