grieve – Page 25 – Peace, Love & Grief

Peace, Love and Grief… Hey! Guess What!

Hey! Guess what!… I can’t even begin to tell you how many times Bruce and I said that (or some version thereof) to each other through the years. Sometimes it was followed by some random tidbit from our day, but more than likely it was followed by some kind of incredible news.

I can remember him saying it when he had made reservations for a vacation or a romantic dinner. He used it to tell about each home DIY project he had started or completed, or when he had done a repair on my car. I remember him using it when he bought my daughter her first snowboard and taught her how to use it. I even remember him using it to tell me when he landed his job in Florida. However, the best memory of him using that phrase was the very, first time I heard him say it. It was my first trip to Michigan, and he was in the middle of cooking us dinner. Next thing I knew, he was on the phone with his folks when I heard him say, “Hey! Guess what… Remember that lady I told you about? The one I met on the cruise? Well, she’s here!”

And I used it too…

I used it when I bought presents for him… or us… or the house. I used it when I landed my job in Michigan… And for each raise and promotion in my career. I remember the very, first time I used it with him, as well. We had met about 6 weeks before, and both knew we wanted to get back together face-to-face to see if what we thought we felt was actually real… “Hey! Guess what I just did! I booked a trip to fly up and see you!” Yep… the same trip I mentioned before.

Like I said, “more than likely it was followed by some kind of incredible news.” (At least, it was incredible to us.) And so many of these experiences were followed by hugs, praise, champagne… celebrations – some personal and intimate and others loud and boisterous… Whatever the occasion called for!

Surely, most of you know what I am talking about… The joy that comes from sharing good news with the person we love. However, death throws a wrench into that… So, what happens when that person is no longer there? Well, for me, that has been a hard adjustment…

I can’t even begin to tell you how many times over the last 6 years, when something incredible has happened, the first thing that goes through my head is “I can’t wait to tell Bruce!” … Then, I remember… He’s gone… I can’t tell him.

Sometimes I remember instantly, and other times it takes a little bit of time for it to sink in again. That’s hard… Sometimes I can share it with someone else, and that is wonderful. However, there are just as many times when I don’t because I’m afraid it would sound too much like bragging. So, I hold it in and celebrate quietly in my heart. (I’m sure you know what I mean.)

Well, this week held one of those “guess what” moments for me…

I spent the majority of last year fighting a battle I never saw coming. It was exactly a year ago that I was diagnosed with breast cancer, and the hardest part of that battle was doing it without Bruce. This week I had my first mammogram since all the cancer treatments ended. The day started with blood work and a mammogram and ended with an office visit with my oncologist.

It was during that visit I received the best news… “Cured” … That was the word she used, and I could have floated out the door! I have assumed for the past few months that the cancer was gone. After all the treatments, how in the world could it possibly still be there? However, I also knew there was always a chance I was wrong. Otherwise, I wouldn’t be there, would I? … And let me tell you, there was something amazing and validating about hearing her say that word!

Immediately, I thought, “I can’t wait to tell Bruce!” And just as immediately, I remembered, “No, I won’t… I can’t.”

Then, something else dawned on me… In my heart, I always feel like he is here – beside me… watching over me. People might say it is all in my head, but I would argue that it isn’t… And if I am right, then that means, he knows…

So instead, I used a phrase which I have started using more and more… In my mind, I smiled and thought, “Guess what, Babe… Did you hear that? WE DID IT! It’s gone!”

Is this something I can share with anyone? Of course, it is… And of course, I did. I blasted it on Face Book, and people are wonderfully joyous with me. However, this is also one of those things that only my closest friends and family, (those who walked beside me through it all), can understand the enormity of that word and how much it meant to me.

Not having Bruce beside me physically throughout this journey was hard. From the “I hate to tell you, but you have cancer” to the “I am so happy to say you are cured” felt like a surreal dream – an impossible journey. I’m embarrassed to say there were even times I was angry with Bruce for leaving me here to do it alone…

But each time, there was a still, small voice reminding me that I was not alone… I have never been alone… I have been surrounded by family and friends… My faith tells me my God is beside me…

… And my heart tells me Bruce is here too.

So, guess what! … We did it!

What about you? Do you have those moments when you can’t wait to tell your loved one some piece of fantastic news only to realize in the next breath that will never happen? Do you ever struggle with how to handle that? If so, you’re not alone… We all know this journey is hard, but it is even harder to bear alone. I believe we are in this together. None of us are alone, because we have each other. Please feel free to reach out and share your story or thoughts. To do so, go to the comments and leave a note. * Who knows? Your story may the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

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Peace, Love and Grief… Finding the Good

I don’t think a single week has gone by in the past six years where Bruce has not been on my mind. Life has moved on, but my heart still aches for him… I miss him! I can’t help it, and I can’t stop it. I’ve moved past the depression and seemingly, unending sadness of grief, but I still miss him.

I miss so many things about him… about us. I miss the way he held me in his arms. I miss snuggling on the couch as we watched TV. I miss sitting together on the beach and the thrill of riding beside him on the boat. I miss traveling to new places together as much as dancing barefoot in our own kitchen.

If I look at all the things I miss, I think it all boils down to missing our friendship… The way we knew each other inside and out… The subtle glances which spoke a thousand words or the touch which communicated more than words ever could. There was a connection between us that (I believe) is rare… At least for me… I’ve never had a connection with anyone that ran so deep.

He was a man of few words and his actions always spoke louder than any words. Because of that, he never said anything he didn’t mean. Which meant he wasn’t one for throwing out compliments just to fill space. When he gave one, there was no doubt he meant it.

Knowing that, the kind words he gave me filled my heart. He never hesitated to tell me when he was proud of something I had achieved or when he thought I looked particularly pretty. Don’t get me wrong… He always made me feel loved and appreciated. It’s just that when he said something… when he took the time to point it out, I knew it was extra special.

As you might imagine, over the past six years, I have grown accustomed to not hearing those things… Not on a constant basis, anyway. But this week, I came to realize how wrong I am…

My little cube at work is near the front of the building, near one of two entryways. This means a good portion of the office walks past my desk each day. And since I am one of the first ones there, I get to say good morning to almost all of them. (I love it!)

One morning this week, a co-worker came in and stopped by my desk for a moment. Then, with tears in her eyes, she completely humbled me as she gave me the biggest compliment… She began to share how my life (and the way I live it) had affected hers in a positive way.

I’m not telling you this to brag… I think she sees me as way better than I really am. Instead, I tell you this because after she walked away, I began to think… At first, I thought about how rare it is that we tell each other such things. So often in today’s world we look for the negative… I see it on social media and in real life – in restaurants, in stores, pretty much anywhere.

If someone has a different opinion, religion, sexual preference, etc… The back lash and “offended” people come out of the woodwork. People say things to each other or post things which they would never say face to face.

I have many friends from all walks of life, and I love and respect them all. I love the fact that knowing and learning to understand other lifestyles and points of view has changed my own. I love how my world has expanded because of my friends and their vast differences.

So, it saddens me when I see the negativity some people are willing to throw out there. Yet, when something like this is written or said about that negativity, one’s own behavior never seems to register as a problem… It just seems to be a blind spot.

That’s when I realized my own blind spot… No, I don’t believe I throw a lot of negativity out there… At least, I try really hard not to. What I’m talking about is my own inability to see and hear the good… the positive… It’s out there! I know it is… I know a lot of people who make a conscious effort to put it out there daily.

I also, began to think about how kind and loving my friends and family truly are. I have been so caught up in the fact that Bruce is no longer the one to give me those positives that I think I have missed a lot… I know there is a lot of give and take with the compliments and kudos with my family and friends. Yet, over the years, I have somehow convinced myself that there was a difference between their positives and Bruce’s. I would say it was it was hard to explain; then never fully accept the positive love coming my way.

Why? I wish I knew… Maybe it was the grief… Maybe it was my own self-pity… Whatever it was, if I am honest, I must admit that the only difference was in how I chose to accept it… That was it…

It simply boils down to how I chose to view it and accept it… In other words, I miss Bruce. There is no doubt I will always love and miss him. But… that doesn’t mean I need to close my heart to the love that is offered to me daily by those around me. Why would I? … Why have I? I don’t know… But I do know this… I am the one who can choose to look at the positives being offered rather than the negatives…

Bruce and I loved each other… That was a blessing beyond any dream I could ever have. The only way I know to say “thank you” or repay that blessing is to put that same love out there… So, my goal this week is to find the good, hold onto it for a moment as it warms my heart… Then, send it back out into the world for someone else. Because when all is said and done, that is the best way I know to live this life…

What about you? Do you ever struggle with focusing on the positive or finding the good? Do you purposely find the good or do you have to work to focus on it? This journey is hard, but it is even harder to bear alone. I believe we are in this together. We are NOT alone. Please feel free to reach out and share your story or thoughts. To do so, go to the comments and leave a note. *

Who knows? Your story may the answer for someone else.
This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love and Grief… Stop! Just Stop…

Most mornings, once I get to work, I enjoy a nice, steamy cup of herbal tea. I get there before most people, so it is a quiet, peaceful way to start the workday. On the particular brand I drink, there are short quotes printed on the paper tabs. This week, one of those tabs read, “Love is an experience of infinity.” So much truth in such a simple statement, and it really hit home with me.

I think it is what I have hoped to help people understand with my writing… Love is not a switch to be turned on and off – It just is… It goes on and on no matter how much time passes…

When Bruce first died, my whole world stopped…

It was like we were cruising down the highway one moment, and suddenly stopped the next. We didn’t even get a chance to put on the brakes to slow down. It was more like hitting a brick wall – head on and at full speed… We went from 70 mph to 0 in an instant. If you can imagine the devastation that would result from such a crash, then maybe you can understand the grief that followed it.

When my world stopped, it took a few days to realize that the world outside had continued on as if nothing had happened… The birds sang. The ocean tides came and went. The sun rose and set. People went to work. People went jogging outside the window. They were laughing and playing and arguing… and living.

I struggled… How could they just keep on going as if nothing had happened? I wanted the world to stop… Just stop… Just for one minute! Just for a moment… Just honor and remember this man who had meant so much to me… This man whom I loved… This man who made up my world… I wanted to shout it out loud. I wanted to yell it from the mountain tops, “Stop! Please, just stop! Just give me a moment… Give him a moment… Just remember… Just for a moment.”

But I didn’t shout, and the world didn’t stop.

I tried to explain how I felt, and the people who cared listened… but they didn’t really get it. They tried… And they said all the “right things” which were supposed to help. I was told, “It will get better,” “Time will heal,” “You will move on in time,” and on and on the sayings went.

But those are just sayings… As time has passed, I must say that it really hasn’t gotten better; time has not healed anything… Not really… and move on from what? From loving him? From missing him? What is that even supposed to mean?

I didn’t and still don’t understand that thought process… Instead, I learned to take my grief to quiet place deep inside. I share it here with you, but that is about it… I don’t really talk about it very often and when I do, it is with a very select group of people.

The truth is my healing has been slow and not what I thought it would be… There is a part of me that will always be frozen in time… Observing life around me and deciding which parts I want to participate in and which I do not. I know how precious and fragile life is and how important it is not to waste a moment of it. This journey has left me feeling more courageous in my choices… And with a deep gratitude for each moment I get to spend with those I love.

The world will never stop for those we love… And we can never stop loving them… And each day the journey continues, and life becomes a little more real.

How do I live without your love?
One breath at a time…
~ Linda, December 2013

What about you? Did you experience that feeling of needing the world to stop? Do you ever feel like you are on the outside looking in? This journey is hard, but it is even harder to bear alone. I believe we are in this together. We are not alone. Please feel free to reach out and share your story or thoughts. To do so, go to the comments and leave a note. * Who knows? Your story may the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love and Grief… Will We Ever Understand?

When Bruce and I first met, one of the things we had in common was being health conscious. I was a runner. He was into body building. And we were both all about eating healthy. Admittedly, he was better about the eating part than I was… (I love sweets and Publix fried chicken.) However, he wasn’t a big fan of desserts or fried foods. He didn’t drink sodas and rarely had caffeine. (I was a Diet Mt Dew junkie.) Don’t get me wrong, he had his vices like the rest of us, but most of the time, he ate right and was constantly looking for ways to improve.

Early on in our relationship, I learned that he had high blood pressure (and, evidently, had for years). But it didn’t seem to slow him down, and I knew lots of people with HBP. Because of his job, he was required to have a physical every year by the company. Plus, he would have a second one by his own physician, putting him in front of a doctor every six months. To all of us, he appeared to be in great health… And very determined to stay that way.

Because of all that, his death came as quite a shock to all of us!

As for me, I was completely dumbfounded! How in the world does someone so healthy go to bed laughing and just never wake up again? I couldn’t understand it. I remember the ER doctor telling me it appeared that Bruce had suffered a heart attack, but the Medical Examiner would need to do an autopsy to confirm the cause of death.

In my naïve bubble of grief, I thought that would take just a few days… Boy, was I wrong.

I remember lamenting on FB after a month or so that we still had no answer. Some people understood the frustration and were quite encouraging with stories of their own. Then, there were others who sent me private messages telling me to “let it go” … “What difference did it make why he died, the outcome was going to remain the same.”

But, for me, it did matter! I needed to know why… It made no sense. Surely, there would be some hidden reason for his death… Surely, there would be an answer to all my questions.

Four months (and several phone calls later), just days before what would have been his birthday, I received a call from the medical examiner. He explained that Bruce’s heart had been enlarged – “almost twice the size it should have been.” He went on to explain how Bruce’s high blood pressure had contributed to that and how when his heart gave out and stopped that night there was nothing I could have done to save him.

We talked about how I had done CPR, and how in my own eyes, I had failed Bruce. He told me the only way Bruce could have survived would have been to have a heart transplant before his heart stopped. “Once it stopped,” he told me, “it was not going to restart. Nothing could have saved Bruce at that point.”

It was nice to have an answer, but I still found myself with more and more questions. I remember finding paperwork for some heart tests Bruce’s doctor had ordered (and Bruce had never done), but I didn’t really know what else there was to learn. My sister (a nurse) looked at the medications and supplements he was taking at the time, but there was nothing abnormal about those either.

Bruce’s Mom suggested I talk to Bruce’s doctor and see what he would tell me. I was hesitant at first. Bruce was always big on his privacy. He shared what he wanted to share and no more. He did share some things about his doctors’ visits with me, but if I pushed too much for details, he would just get quiet… But he was dead now… Was it really okay for me to ask? It felt like I was prying, but I really wanted to know if his doctor could tell me anything more.

It took me a while, but I finally managed to get the courage to call. The conversation was actually pretty short. Even though he was affiliated with the hospital where Bruce was taken, he had not been notified of Bruce’s death. By this time, it had been well over a year since he had seen Bruce, and he said he didn’t really remember too much about their last visit.

That was it?? … Yep, that was it…

Jump to the more recent past… Bruce’s Mom sent me a note asking if I had a copy of the autopsy report. I didn’t. Then, she asked if I would mind if she requested one. I didn’t mind at all… In fact, I asked her if she would mind sharing it with me when she received it. (I must tell you – she is a doll! She has always been so respectful to me as Bruce’s wife that she even confirmed my approval one more time, before she actually hit “Submit” for her request.)

I don’t know what I expected… I guess I just assumed we would have the same slow response as we did with the initial autopsy answers. I was wrong. The document came back the next day…

That was Thursday. Thankfully, I was home that day, because as I read through the document, the tears began to fall…

While it had a lot of detail in it, I can’t say there was a lot of new information. Except this…

I had to look up a lot of medical terms. As I looked those up, the medical examiner’s initial information made more sense. In fact, as I did more and more research, I learned a lot. I started to realize, we (maybe just me) had missed a lot of the signs that something was wrong.

I’ve always said, I thought Bruce knew something… After doing some research, I am even more convinced he knew something wasn’t right. I won’t say he knew what it was, but I definitely believe he knew something was wrong and his time was limited.

I don’t know how I feel about this report… I guess I had hoped it might bring a little more closure. But instead, I have found myself re-living a lot of those initial questions and feelings. Admittedly, it’s been hard to have all that brought back to the forefront of my mind again. Yet, at the same time, there is some relief to have a better understanding of what happened.

I don’t really know… I’m still trying to process what I know now and deal with this renewed sense of grief… It may be a hard few days ahead… I’m just praying for the strength to see it through and for some sense of peace…

What about you? We all know there will be times when our loved one’s death is front and center again in our lives. How do you handle that? Do you struggle to keep peace in your heart? Do you accept it and just let the tears fall? This journey is hard, but it is even harder to bear alone. I believe we are in this together. We are not alone. Please feel free to reach out and share your story or thoughts. To do so, go to the comments and leave a note.* Who knows… your story may the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love and Grief… Trying to Build a Better Boat

This year is different.
I can’t explain it.
My heart is still shattered.
The tears are still falling.
But this year,
I just want to remember…
I want to look at photographs
And gaze deep in your eyes.
I want to remember
The laughter
And the gentle moments when you held me
And whispered, “I love you.”
I want to close my eyes
And go back to that first hello…
That first kiss.
This year there seems no need for ceremonies…
Just time alone…
With you…
~ Linda, January 2019

Well, I did it… I survived this week… one of the hardest weeks on the calendar for me. This week held the anniversary of Bruce’s death. Only one moment in time, but a moment that changed my life forever.

The first year, I wasn’t sure what to do. My sister had the foresight to know I shouldn’t be alone, and lovingly came and spent the weekend with me. We didn’t really do anything formal – a trip to the beach and a crab dinner (one of Bruce’s favorites).

The following year, I knew I wanted… no, needed… to do something different… something more. We made Tibetan prayer flags for the garden, as well as baskets filled with flowers, incense and charms to represent special things about Bruce to place in the ocean. I even wrote a letter to Bruce to place in the basket. Two of my daughters were able to come join me, and we headed to the ocean for a special ceremony of sorts. Plus, toasts at all his favorite fishing spots and meals at all his favorite restaurants. And to finish the night – a little Jimmy Buffet to sooth the soul.

This tradition I kept up for several years. Then last year, I decided to change it up just a little… First, the prayer flags were in such good condition, there was no need to make new ones. I also decided I wanted to travel… Traveling was how we met and what we loved to do, so I decided to make that a new part of the tradition. So, off I went to another beach south of here. It was a lovely weekend. I still brought flowers and beer to the beach. I still wrote him a letter. I still ate at places I believed he would have loved, and I still finished the night dancing to Jimmy Buffet.

This year, though, things are very different. Perhaps it’s a result of spending the last year fighting to survive, but as I wrote a couple of weeks ago, I have felt very different in my grief these past few months. I don’t really know how to explain it… I still miss him. However, so much of the time before the cancer diagnosis, I just felt like I was going through the motions of life. Whereas now, I actually feel enthusiastic about living my life.

In fact, have you heard Kenny Chesney’s new song, Better Boat? I love it! In fact, I relate to it so much, it has become my mantra song over the last few months… It just seems to truly describe where I find myself emotionally…

… My how the last few months have changed

I’m smilin’ more despite the pain…
I breathe in, I breathe out
Got friends to call who let me talk about
What ain’t working, what’s still hurtin’
All the things I feel like cussing out
Now and then I let it go
I ride the waves I can’t control
If it’s working I don’t know
When I get done the thing may not float
But I’m learning how to build a better boat
~ Songwriters: Travis Meadows, Liz Rose

So that’s me lately… Just constantly trying to “build a better boat.” In fact, that’s where I found myself this week… I knew I would be sad, and I knew there would be tears, but I also knew I needed something different… Something more quiet and less formal. I also knew I knew I wanted to be in “our” home this year… No traveling – I’ve spent enough time away from my family and traveling for treatments this last year. So, when I woke up that morning, I still had no idea… I was going to play it by ear… And here’s how it played out…

My journal:
January 2019 – noon
“Hi Babe!
Well, maybe I should be but I’m not so mad today… Sad – yes… Missing you – definitely… Wishing you were here and knowing you would love this time together today – you bet!

I didn’t (couldn’t) go to our beach today. It’s still closed due to the government shutdown. All week I’ve been hoping it would open, but no… Anyway, I drove up to Daytona instead. The beach ramp for cars is closed (high tide), but that’s okay. It’s kinda cold anyway, so I’m sitting inside the pier restaurant (Crabby Joe’s). You used to love this place! I’m at one of the high-tops overlooking the water, which is beautiful today. I can even feel the waves rocking the pier. And if I close my eyes, I would swear I can feel you right beside me… Because that is where you always sat… Never across from me – always beside me with one hand on my leg or holding my hand… I miss that….

You would love this today! I know you would be all about this place and simply spending time together.

It’s weird – maybe good – but this year is so different. In the past, I had (no – needed) a “ceremony” for today… But this year, that didn’t feel right. It was right at the time, but this year, I just wanted to enjoy the day and remember you… remember us.

The memories are flooding in. I can feel the tears in my eyes and a few have fallen, but mostly the memories make me smile. I love remembering… I love giving my “permission” – perhaps selfishly – to simply spend today focusing on you and us…

5 pm
As I sit here, all I can think about is how blessed I have been. Yes – there have been hard times… even some really sucky times… But through it all, I have survived… I have come out on top knowing I have experienced great love… your love…

9 pm
I have thought about you so much today… So many memories… So much love. I’ll never understand why… I’ll never know what life would be like if we could have lived out our dreams together… I just know my heart is still shattered… I love you. I will always love you… And I have been blessed to have known a love like ours…”

I ain’t lonely, but I spend a lot of time alone
More than I’d like to, but I’m okay with staying home
My how the last few months have changed
I’m smilin’ more despite the pain

I hate waiting, ain’t no patience in these hands
I’m not complaining, sometimes it’s hard to change a man
I think I’m stronger than I was,
I let God do what he does

I breathe in, I breathe out
Got friends to call who let me talk about
What ain’t working, what’s still hurtin’
All the things I feel like cussing out
Now and then I let it go
I ride the waves I can’t control
If it’s working I don’t know
When I get done the thing may not float
But I’m learning how to build a better boat
~ Songwriters: Travis Meadows, Liz Rose

What about you? How do honor your loved one’s memory? Does it change year to year? Or are there certain traditions you incorporate each year? What do you do to remember? Would you be willing to share your story or thoughts? To do so, go to the comments and leave a note.*

Who knows… your story may the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love and Grief… Smiling on the Journey

“Learn to enjoy life while you’re going through the transformation process. Many of us look like we’re walking a tightrope rather than a pathway of peace. Instead, enjoy where you’re going.” – Unknown

I remember when this whole journey began… I really struggled with trying to understand why I was still here, and Bruce wasn’t. I loved him so much. How was I supposed to go on without him? What was the purpose? Did I even have a reason to still be here? Honestly, while I didn’t want to be here, I knew there had to be a reason, but for the life of me, I couldn’t figure out what it was. It was taking everything I had just to survive that first year… how could God expect anything more of me?

“As long as God chooses to leave you on this earth, don’t just exist – live!” – Unknown

There were also days when I was so hurt, I couldn’t even trust God. After all, why hadn’t he stopped this from happening? Why did he let me experience such a wonderful love, only to snatch it away so quickly? It took me years to realize that wasn’t the case at all.

Pain and death are not a part of his perfect plan, but they are a reality in an imperfect world… In fact, God hurt, because I hurt… All those nights when I thought I was absolutely alone and abandoned, he was right beside me… I was just too hurt to feel him.

“Don’t be afraid… you are mine. When you go through deep waters and great trouble, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown! When you walk through the fire of oppression… the flames will not consume you. For I am the Lord your God.” – Isaiah 43:1-3

There have also been days when all I could see was how much further I still have to go on this journey. I have always firmly believed that Bruce and I will be together again in eternity… I know without a doubt he is waiting for me, and one day we will be able to explore the wonders of heaven together. However, the women in my family live a long time… With that in mind, I knew I was only halfway through this life when he left it… How in the world could I do another 50+ years without Bruce?

While there are still moments when I can get caught up on how much of life still lays between us, I have gotten better at refocusing my thoughts on the blessings all around me. It started slowly with my journal. Each day, I made myself list at least five things I was thankful for… Some days that list was as simple as “I got out of bed” and on other days, the list went on and on. In fact, when I made my list today, it filled 2.5 pages… Life isn’t what I thought it would be, but it is still filled with more blessings than I can count.

“Instead of getting discouraged about how far you still have to go,
learn to celebrate your progress along the way.” – Unknown

It’s odd, I suppose, but with Bruce, I never questioned my purpose here. Just loving each other and our families seemed to be purpose enough. I don’t know why, but since he died there have been times when I pondered what my purpose is now? What am I supposed to do?

“No matter how wonderful the journey is, what’s the point if there’s no destination?” – Unknown

I have always felt my purpose is about love, but for some reason, I have felt a need to reach out past my own family. I know there are many people out there who are on this journey and hurting too, which is why started writing this blog. However, sometimes I find myself wondering if I have anything left to say here… Yet, I know that if even one person is touched or given any hope because of these words of love, then perhaps, just perhaps, it is worthwhile.

So, it may not seem like much, but this is my way of loving so many others who feel alone too. So, while I would never say losing Bruce was a good thing, perhaps I have found my own way of making something good out of something painful.

“We may impress people with our strengths,
but we often connect with them best through our struggles.” – Unknown

I guess, what I’m trying to say today is, “Don’t give up…” There really is more to life. I started on this journey thinking I couldn’t do this… I was overwhelmed with pain, and felt I had nowhere to turn for comfort. However, through the years I have learned to smile again… I have learned to laugh and enjoy the blessings this life has to offer. Does this mean I get it right every day? Of course not, I believe I will always have those days when my grief takes a strong hold on my heart. But for the most part, I know I am still here for a reason, and that reason must be something pretty amazing because…

“God’s will isn’t simply for you to survive, but to thrive.” – Unknown

As I tell my grandson, each day is a new start… Like a fresh piece of paper, each day offers us a new chance to write our story and make it whatever we want it to be…

“This is a wonderful day. I’ve never seen this one before.” – Maya Angelou

What about you? Does any of this strike a chord with you? What has your journey been like? Have you always been able to keep moving forward or do you have days when you struggle with your purpose or focusing on your grief? Maybe you have found a different way to cope… There is no one right answer. Who knows… you may hold the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love and Grief… Happy Anniversary

I felt you today.
I felt the warmth of your smile,
And it made me laugh.
Thank you!
~ Linda, January 2018

This week Bruce and I would have celebrated our 13th anniversary. This is always such a bitter sweet day for me… So blessed to have loved Bruce, and so grieved at his loss. Maybe it sounds a little crazy but those are my feelings, and they can be a bit hard to reconcile.

This was my sixth year celebrating our love without him, and I thought I would spend it like I usually do – sunrise at the beach, some writing time, lunch at his favorite seafood place, some time to reminisce and dinner at “our” restaurant. However, life had different plans. I did get to start my day watching the sunrise are our favorite beach (also where his ashes were scattered). I was also able to end the day at “our” restaurant… The one he found and surprised me with so many years ago. But, all the time in between, seemed to get filled up with other things this year. Mainly, household chores which had been put off while I was undergoing treatment and a leaky hot water heater. (Thankfully, the water heater waited to die until I got back home, so there is no damage.)

As I was watching the sunrise, I did manage to get a little bit of writing done, so that is what I plan to share today. My letter to Bruce, which he will never read… And yet, I believe, he heard every single word as I sat there and wrote it.

“Happy Anniversary, Babe! Wow! Today would be 13 years… It seems like just yesterday. I can still see your face – your eyes looking straight into mine as you held my hands in yours and promised to love me… always. Nothing has changed that… Even as I sit here watching the waves, I know somewhere out there you still love me… And I hang onto that. (Maybe more than I should, but then again, who’s to say – I know what I know, and I feel what I feel.)

The sunrise this morning was beautiful. I was like a show just for me (us)… There were clouds covering the eastern sky, so I really thought I wouldn’t see it. But, at just the exact moment, a hole broke in the bottom of the cloud bank… just enough (and in the precise spot) so I could see the sun rise after all. There is a part of me that believes you did that for me. So, thank you!

I think I needed that… I need to know you’re still here. I haven’t felt you as much lately… There aren’t as many signs, which has made this year that much harder. In fact, doing this whole cancer thing without you has been hard. Everyone keeps telling me how great I’m doing and how strong and tough I am. But I don’t feel strong and tough. And as for the “great” part – it is as much “fake it till you make it” as anything else.

It’s actually more like when you died… I don’t feel strong at all. In fact, I’ve been really scared. But I did what I had to do because there wasn’t another (rational) choice. Just like when Matthew died or when I went through my divorce, loss has never been a “Oh, I am ready for this – bring it on” kind of thing – like the heroine of a story. (I wish it were that simple.) NO! It is more of a “Oh crap – What do I do now?”

Then, I take one step at a time – and only focus on the step I need to take in that moment. Anything else – focusing behind me or too far in front – becomes overwhelming.

And through all of these losses, (even before I knew you), I believe I missed you. Before I knew you, I missed being loved – truly loved and how that love can see you through the rough times. Then once I knew your love and lost it, I missed it even more, because I knew what I was missing.

Today is a day to remember that love… To remember a time when both of us were so sure of our love that we were willing to do whatever it took to be together. We were so sure of our future together… We had no idea how short our time together would be… But it was… We blinked, and it was over.

So, here I am, celebrating #13 alone… my sixth time celebrating “us” alone. It’s comforting know you are somewhere out there waiting for me…
I miss you! I love you so much! Thank you, Babe, for loving me… Thank you for marrying me… And thank you for waiting for me… I am yours – always and forever!”

I have learned to laugh again.
I have learned to find joy in the quiet moments spent with those I love.
But it still hurts.
I think it will probably always hurt…
Simply because you aren’t here.
~ Linda, January 2018

What about you? Does any of this strike a chord with you? How do you handle anniversaries of special times together? How did you handle those bittersweet days when your feelings don’t seem to be able to reconcile with each other? Maybe you have found a different way to cope… There is no one right answer. Who knows… you may hold the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love and Grief… One Step at a Time

Alone… Is this a test?
I think I am failing.
I want to move past the sadness.
I want to find the blessings.
But every time I come back to
Being alone…

~ Linda, October 2013

I have put off writing this week until the last minute (or what feels like the last minute). It’s not that I don’t know what to say… It’s that I have so much to say and I’m not sure how to say it in a way that makes sense.

There is a part of me that seems to always dread this time of year, because this month starts a series of major days and holidays… all in a row – one on top of the next. It starts with Halloween, then moves to our anniversary, Thanksgiving, my birthday, Christmas, the anniversary of our meeting, New Years and the anniversary of Bruce’s death.

Anyone who has grieved deeply knows how hard the holidays and big events can be when you find yourself alone. There is an unrelenting sadness when you realize you are no longer able to share those days with the person you have shared your life with for so long. For me, the next few months will be an emotional roller coaster as I go from one event to the next… all without Bruce… for the sixth time. (Yes, I am still counting, and yes, it still makes me sad.)

The first year I ignored as many of these holidays as possible. It hurt too much to imagine celebrating anything without Bruce. So, I hid and let the world do its thing while I pretended not to notice. I closed my door, turned off the radio or left town… Whatever it took to keep those reminders away.

You might be surprised to know, but it was actually pretty easy to do. The world starts getting very busy this time of year… Most people don’t really notice when you choose to disappear from the craziness. I’m not sure if that is a good or a bad thing, but it was what I needed to do that first year.

The next year, I decided I wanted to try to join the world… at least with my kids and my grandson. So, I joined them for as many of these days as possible and spent the rest with friends. The problem for me, however, was the timing of everything… As soon as I got past one event, I had to mentally prepare for the next… There just didn’t seem to be a chance to heal or even breathe in between.

While it was a relief to be a part of everything and not be alone, when all was said and done, I was emotionally drained. Months later, I listened to a recording taken at the end of that time period, and I didn’t even sound coherent. But while I may have been a mess, I had done it! I had survived!

Thankfully, time is a kind friend, and each year has brought more healing and a stronger me. That doesn’t mean, the emotions aren’t there… I am still sad… I still miss my Bruce… And this week, I found myself crying several times as I contemplated what is ahead.

This year as Halloween approaches and the holiday commercials start to air on TV, I am faced once again with an overwhelming relay of events. All week I have had that inner dialogue going… I’m sure you know what I mean…

In my self-development seminars or when coaching individuals, I discuss that inner dialogue… That angel and devil thing we laugh at in cartoons. Why do we laugh? Because we have all experienced it at one time or another. For most of us, though, it isn’t necessarily a temptation thing – a good or evil thing.

Usually it presents itself as one “voice” that sounds more like, “Why bother?” “What’s the point?” “You’ll never be able to do that.” In other words, it is a self-defeating voice. It is based on our fears, negative emotions, and low energy. It is not based in reality. It does not build resilience and does not move us forward. In fact, it is happiest if we stay where we are or even take a few steps back.

Then, there is the other, kinder “voice.” It is encouraging. It is not based on our fears but on our passions, goals and what is real. It is healthy and nurturing. Its purpose is to build resilience and help us move forward… To live life – even if it is just one small step at a time.

This week the dialogue battling within me has been one of dreading the upcoming months, while realizing that all I really need to do is face this the same way I have faced cancer this year… one step at a time – no more. I have learned that when I try looking too far down the road, I become intimidated. Then, my fear of what is ahead leads me to question my ability to make it through. Reminding myself to slow down, and just focus on the step ahead has been my saving grace this year.

I remember right after Bruce died… The idea of spending the rest of my life without him – alone – seemed very intimidating. Most days I didn’t even want to try… that road ahead looked never ending. It took me a while to tune out that self-defeating voice and start listening to that kinder, gentler voice that encouraged me to take one small step and then another.

In my family, the women seem live quite a long time, so I figure I have another 50+/- years to go… without him. That is a long time. It can be quite daunting if I let myself dwell on it too long. But, I am learning not to look that far down the road. I am learning to just breathe and take it one day and one step at a time.

I am learning…

That is what I have been telling myself this week. I am still learning. It’s okay if I have a few hard moments or stumble a little. The trick is not to let myself dwell on the upcoming months and everything they entail… that would be too much to handle without the possibility of spiraling down. down.

Each year, I heal a little more… and learn a little more about taking this journey one small step at a time… And for me, that will be the only way to get through the journey ahead.

Walk through your fears…
~ Linda, October 2013

What about you? Did you or have you struggled with the loneliness of spending the holidays without you loved one? Have you felt abandoned or left behind as the world celebrates in a whirlwind around you? You’re not alone… None of us are! Are you will to share how you came to terms with it? Or do you still need support in that area? Would you be willing to share your story or your thoughts?

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love and Grief… Be the change

“Be the living expression of God’s kindness;
kindness in your face,
kindness in your eyes,
kindness in your smile.”
~ St. (Mother) Teresa of Calcutta

I remember when this whole journey began. (It’s almost been 6 years now… but who’s counting?) At first, I was so raw… so numb… so lost. For the first few weeks, I felt like I was in a dream. This couldn’t be real… Surely, I was going to wake up at some point and everything would be as it was. (The only thing I knew would be different was – I would be even more appreciative of the gift that was my husband… If that was even possible.)

But, that didn’t happen… Life just kept moving forward… without my Bruce.

As the months passed, more and more people fell off the radar for one reason or another. Most things I read told me this was normal… to expect it to start at about the three to four month range. According to what I read, many couples would back away, because I was no longer “a couple.” (Although, most widows will tell you, we still feel like “a couple.”) Other sources listed many other reasons, such as:

1. People probably felt I was doing really well and didn’t need their support any longer.
2. Some people didn’t know how to offer more support, since they had never experienced this themselves.
3. Some people get tired or uncomfortable with the whole death/grief thing.
4. Who knows why people do what they do!… Maybe they are going through their own struggles.

To be fair, I believe most of the people I knew simply didn’t understand it, because they hadn’t been through it. In hind sight, I don’t believe they meant to be cruel or hurtful. While I may have felt stuck, their lives had continued to move on at full speed. However, at the time, I could not understand this.

So as more months passed, and I watched more and more people walk out of my life… I began to get hurt… I felt lonely… and abandoned… and definitely angry. I had already lost my husband. Was everyone else going to abandon me, too?

Here is the problem with that line of thinking…

The more I focused on the hurt and negative feelings, the more negative things I found to upset me. It didn’t take long for me to spiral down and become the very thing I never wanted to be – an angry, bitter, cynical old woman. Life began to look bleak… It no longer held any hope.

This only increased my focus on the negative. Before I realized what was happening, my connections with other people almost stopped completely. I found myself only opening up to a very small handful of friends and family (who chose to love me despite my negative outlook).

This was where I found myself about 10 months after Bruce died, and I was at my lowest I had ever been… I had given up on people and life… I had stopped caring… Life had taken on the form of waking up, going through the motions and sleeping. Then, waking up only to do all over again the next day.

I’m not sure why, but at this point, I pulled out one of Bruce’s favorite CD series – Wayne Dyer’s The Secrets of the Power of Intention. I did not know it at the time, but this would become my first step out of this downward spiral that had taken over my life. There was a lot of great information in this series, but the piece of information I needed to hear most was…

“When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.”

WOW! What a simple statement, and yet, how true! As soon as I heard it, I knew he was speaking to me. I had become completely focused on all I had lost and was losing… on all the hurt and feelings of abandonment. Because of that, I had stopped noticing the good things all around me… the little blessings available in each moment.

So, this is where things started to change. As I “changed the way I looked at things,” the way I viewed those things (as well as my life) began to change, as well.

The next step was inevitable, I began to realize that if more people would learn to do this, maybe our world would not be filled with so many hurt, offended, negative souls. But how could I take this knowledge and make a difference? I knew I could only change myself. So, how could I make another change within myself, that might make a bigger difference in the world around me?

Well… ask God a question, and he will always give you an answer. And a few days later, there it was… I was reading some writings from Ghandi, when one seemed to call out to me as the answer to my quandary…

“Be the change you want to see.”

WOW! (Again!) How is it the simplest statements have the most profound advice? And so it began, another change, another step. Now instead of wishing someone else would think more kindly, behave kinder, or speak with more kindness, I learned to observe, say nothing (the hardest part for me), and alter my own actions to reflect what I wanted to see instead.

These two changes in my thought patterns and behavior began to build on each other. The more I altered how I looked at things, the easier it became to actually be the change I wanted to see. And the more I worked on “being the change,” the easier it became to see others in a more positive light.

Through the years, I have worked my way out of that deep, downward spiral. There are days when it is still a process for me. However, while I have my moments when I am not as successful at protecting my attitude, I am continually doing better and better… On those occasions when I find myself spiraling down, I am able to catch it and turn it around. I know that when I remember to “be the change I want to see,” my whole viewpoint on life and people becomes more positive as well…

When I remember that the divine energy within me can become a divine reality for someone else by simply being the love and acceptance I am seeking from the world around me, then I know my life has purpose again because I am able to make a difference.

Polish your heart
so that it reflects
God’s love
to the world around you
~ Linda, February 2016

What about you? Did you or have you struggled with frustration with the world around you? Have you felt abandoned or left behind as the world moves on? You’re not alone… None of us are! Are you will to share how you came to terms with it? Or do you still need support in that area? Would you be willing to share your story or your thoughts?

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love and Grief… Finding Peace After the Anger

“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” ~ Psalm 147:3

The other day as I dropped off my grandson for school, I started thinking about my own rides to school as a child…

Back then, we lived way out in the country with a one-hour bus ride to school (and that was if the bridges weren’t open for the boat traffic). While I prefer to think about those “happy laughter” or “sweet sentimental” memories, one of my most distinct memories of those endless bus rides was actually one of anger… or to be more blunt – pure rage.

I was about six years old, and it was on the bus ride home. I had saved the seat next to me for my sister. (After all, I was a first grader who idolized her big sister. Where else would she want to sit except by me? Right?) Now, keep a few things in mind, I was a bit timid as a child… I was that kid who hid behind my mother’s skirts when she tried to introduce me to new people. And at my first piano recital, I refused to play until my sister came and sat on the bench next to me, blocking the audience from my sight.

That day, as I waited with my hand on the seat next to me to save it, a high school girl I didn’t know (and was sure I wouldn’t like), moved my hand and sat down anyway. I remember feeling instantly indignant. “I’m saving that seat for my sister,” I told her.

“Your sister’s already sitting in the back,” she said. “… With her friends,” she added as she looked the other way. I remember standing up and looking back. Sure enough. there was my sister laughing and talking with her friends. I was instantly so incredibly angry. I looked at the girl next to me who smiled, and got even angrier… And then, I did it… I bit her forearm… Actually, it was more than a bite… I latched on and refused to let go until she had to get off the bus about 30 minutes later!

That poor girl! If I were her, I would have labeled me a brat and hated me. I definitely would not want to ever sit next to me again.

But that is not what happened… Not even close. Instead, she not only sat with me day after day, I remember her going out of her way to be kind to me. I remember her saving me a seat when she got there first, and on other occasions, asking about my day or whatever I brought for show and tell. I remember her sitting with me and making those long bus rides fun… And through those long, endless rides, as she listened to me or made me giggle, I began to feel valued… and I learned to love her. Funny, I can’t remember her name now, but I will always remember the impact she had on me that year.

So why am I sharing this story here?

Because as I reminisced, I started thinking about the only other time I remember feeling abandoned, helpless, and filled with rage at something I couldn’t change… And that was when Bruce died. It was that same feeling I had when I looked at the back of the bus and realized my dreams for this journey weren’t going to happen.

While I denied it at the time, I was so absolutely angry with God. I begged, I cried, I cursed, I shook my fists, and eventually, I just decided to turn my back on him, since it felt like he had already turned his back on me.

I was done! … Or was I?

As time passed, and I started working on healing and on myself, I found that my faith was too much a part of me to ignore or abandon. But, I also realized that my faith wasn’t really my own… All those years it was really just a carbon copy of what I had been told… In other words, it wasn’t my faith or beliefs at all. It was like it belonged to someone else, and I had just picked it up and put it in my pocket.

I remember dreaming about Bruce one night when I was still so angry. In the dream, Bruce was telling me that God was real, but he wasn’t the God I thought he was… He told me God wasn’t a God of anger and judgement. Instead, he was a God of love and compassion. In my dream I was so doubtful, and that is how I woke up… But what I knew was I needed to figure out for myself what I believed… Then, maybe I could let go of the anger… And if I could let go of the anger, maybe – just maybe – I could start to heal.

I would love to say, it was an overnight transformation, but it wasn’t… not even close. It has taken years… Years of starting from a clean slate and figuring things out from scratch… Years of making my own discoveries and building my own faith… Years of learning to be comfortable when my idea of God and faith doesn’t match up with the mainstream “church.”

But through those years, I have learned a lot. My faith is my own… I don’t need to explain it or rationalize it to anyone… And the best part has been the peace I have acquired…

Like the high school girl, who chose to be patient with me and show me love and friendship and ultimately made me feel valued and loved, God never turned his back on me… Instead, he waited. He let me rant, and he loved me anyway… His shoulders were big enough to handle my rage and my doubts… And instead of punishing me (as I had been taught to believe), he waited patiently as I figured things out for myself.

I still miss Bruce. I still cry when I let myself think about him too much. BUT the anger and rage are no longer there… Instead, there is a peace that comes from within… A peace in knowing that he is still beside me… A peace in knowing that my faith is one built on what I know, and not what someone else has told me. And while I may not understand or like what has happened, I know God didn’t cause it, and he doesn’t like it either… And I am not alone… He hurts when I hurt… And I believe…

“There is a peace that comes with acceptance, and a love that is always remembered.” ~ Linda, September 2013

What about you? Did you experience that anger and rage after you lost your loved one? Do you still struggle with those emotions? Finding our way out of those emotions is going to be different for each of us. How do you deal with it? Would you be willing to share your story or your thoughts?

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief