Tag: widower

Peace, Love and Grief… Dear Me

When I opened Face Book earlier this week, there was a “memory” waiting for me… an “On This Day” moment. The year was 2012… exactly one month prior to Bruce’s death. That was the Christmas we had decided to give each other a trip to Jamaica instead of gifts, and that was the day Bruce had booked the trip. We were both so excited… We had no idea that was one trip we would never take… Instead, time ran out for us.

When I saw the post, I started thinking, “You had no idea… You were so excited, but you had no idea your whole world was about to fall apart.” Then I thought, what if the “current me” could write a letter to the “past me?” Well, first of all, I wouldn’t actually want the past me to receive the letter until after Bruce’s death. Why ruin those last few beautiful weeks together? I’ve always been pretty certain he knew his time was short, but chose not to tell me. As time has passed, I have actually come to understand the wisdom in that… So, then… what would I say?

There is so much that came to mind…

Written today, to be opened on 1/14/2012:

(As the country song says…) Dear younger me,

This is you… Well, it’s me, but I’m you… Five years older but still you. I wanted to write this mostly to let you know, you’re going to be okay. I know you haven’t even thought about that yet. Shoot, I know you haven’t even truly wrapped your brain around what has happened yet. That’s okay… You’re in shock, and you’re numb. It’s your mind’s way of protecting you right now, and you need that. Your family and friends think you’re being strong. I know better… I know you haven’t even come to terms with the idea that this is real.

You are just starting on what is called a grief journey… FYI – It sucks! Sorry, but I’ve got to be honest here. You are about to go through the hardest thing ever!

One of the first things you will realize on this journey is people are going to let you down. It’s what people do to each other… We don’t mean to, but we do… and they will. Just like your divorce, the people you imagine will be there for you, will either step back a little or back away completely. It’s going to hurt, and you’re going to be mad… But, trust me, you need to let it go. Just like you, they really are doing the best they can… They just don’t get it.

Also, like your divorce, there will be others who you would never have imagined will be there for you. They will step out of nowhere and stand solidly beside you. Appreciate and love them… They are a gift!

As for your family,… they will be there for you – all of them. You will read a lot of articles that will tell you your in-laws will back out of your life. Don’t panic! Bruce’s family will stay by your side… They love you (and it’s a forever kind of love).

Another thing about grief is the way every nerve… every fiber of your being feels raw. You will feel out of sorts for a long time. I am five years ahead of you, and I still have days where I struggle. I’m not sure if this ever goes away completely, but it will get better. However, the worst part of this “raw” feeling is everything will hurt your feelings, and everything will make you cry. You will feel like you are losing your mind, but I promise, you’re not. It’s normal… It’s all a part of grieving… And it will get better. (A word to the wise, though: Be careful what you say when you are upset… Try taking a breath… or two… or three before you speak.)

In the beginning, you will feel a lot of guilt about Bruce’s death. Don’t! The Medical Examiner will call you (much) later to tell you, but you need to know now. You couldn’t save him. You did the best you could, but when his heart stopped, nothing was going to make it start again. He needed a transplant… CPR (whether from you or a professional) would not have made a difference. So, stop blaming yourself for not saving him… Just stop!

Here’s another thing… You will be very angry… Angry with what happened… Angry at the world… Angry with God… Just VERY angry. You’re going to deny it, but it’s really okay. Some people will tell you it’s wrong or a sin to be mad at God. Poppycock! God’s shoulders are big, and he knows you are hurting. And as time passes, you will actually find your faith is stronger… different, but stronger. That is because it will be completely yours… Not something you were told to believe, but instead, it will be based on your own experiences and your own path… This path. It will take a while, but you will come out stronger on the other side. (FYI – There will be a few people who will judge you for this… Pretty harshly, actually. That’s okay. That is their issue – not yours. Just let it go and move on.)

Here’s another thing… For the record, those “stages of grief” you will be reading about are B.S. First of all, those were written for people who are trying to accept their own impending death… not someone who is grieving a loss… not you. Don’t get me wrong, you will feel all those things, but not in any given order and not like a “one and done” checklist. Your emotions will be all over the board… At first, it will feel like being battered by a rough tide with no way out of the water. You will feel like you are being pounded by one wave after another and not way to catch your breath. However over time, the waves will be further and further apart… Still there – just further apart.

This is getting long, so I’m going to leave you with this last thought…

The first year will be the hardest… It will feel like hell! There will be real, physical pain… There will be times when your heart will literally ache, and other times when you will feel like you can’t even breathe. You will experience a loneliness you never even imagined could exist. You will find yourself falling to your knees in the middle of your house and crying for hours until there are no tears left… only pure exhaustion.

During this year, you will wonder why you are still here. You will wonder if you still have a purpose. Each day will look like the one before… gray and hopeless. There will be days, you will beg God to take you, too… Or beg Bruce to come back to get you. All of that is okay… You’re not losing it… But trust me when I tell you to hang in there. You are still needed… You need to do a little healing first… But you definitely still have a purpose. I won’t tell you what, but trust me, you still have a reason for being here.

There is a lot more I would like to say… and a lot more you will learn. However, that’s just it… A lot of this you will need to figure out as you go. You will always love Bruce, and you will always feel him nearby – Hang on to that during those tough moments.

And keep in mind… You will always grieve, because that is the price of love. (Hokey, but true.) But I promise, while you may not think so right now, you really will be okay. In fact,… one day you will even know joy and laughter again. I promise!

Be kind to yourself… and remember you are loved!
Me…

I am so thankful for this virtual group. Our support for each other always touches my heart, and I feel close to you through the experiences we share. What about you? Is there something more you would want to say? What would you tell yourself if you had the chance? Please share your thoughts and stories, so others will realize what they feel is normal too… We are all dealing with some extremely intense, emotional stuff, and none of us needs to handle this alone.

Learning to navigate this journey is different for each of us. It brings its individual challenges and lessons. Through it we come to realize we are stronger than we thought we were. If any of this feels familiar, we are here, you are not alone. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. *

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Remembering to Be Thankful

Holidays are hard… There is no way to sugarcoat it… They just are…

The first Thanksgiving came 10 months after Bruce passed away. At that point, I’m not sure if I was just still too numb or if the pain was still too raw… Or a combination of both. However, I do remember I couldn’t handle the idea of a holiday celebration. I wouldn’t say I couldn’t find anything to be thankful for, but my mind was too overwhelmed with grief to even consider celebrating anything… Not with Bruce gone… I just couldn’t do it.

The next year, I was still hurting, but I did want some special time with family and loved ones, so I spent a very quiet holiday with one of my daughters and her family. It was a wonderfully simple holiday – a very good way to ease back into the idea of celebrating without Bruce. No one pushed me to do more than I felt ready to handle… A good portion of the day was spent just breathing, but there were also smiles, and with love and support, I did it… In fact, by the end of the day I knew exactly what I was thankful for – the love of my family.

The next year, I got a little braver and traveled (alone) to England to spend the holiday with another daughter and her family. Since Thanksgiving is not a holiday over there, Christmas celebrations were already beginning, (but that is another story). We had a lovely time shopping for a “bird” and “American” ingredients which were nearly impossible to find. The day itself couldn’t have been better! It was beautiful… another quiet celebration filled with love and laughter… and a few tears… But once again, I was reminded of what is really important – the people I love.

Last year was different again. My daughter and grandson had moved in with me just a few months earlier, and he was spending Thanksgiving with his father in another state. It was my daughter’s first holiday without her little Bubba, and for reasons I completely understood, we chose to spend the holiday traveling rather than celebrating with the traditional family feast. It was quiet, the beach was soothing, and the company was loving… That year, once again, it was a holiday to be “survived” rather than “enjoyed,” but we made it through… Thankful to be a family again at the end of the weekend.

This year, though, was held its own surprises. This year I felt braver and more thankful than in years past. For the first time since Bruce passed away, I wanted to go back to old Thanksgiving traditions. So, what started as a small, three-person holiday quickly became an old fashioned, “everyone’s coming” Thanksgiving. I took the week off and spent it cooking and cleaning (with my grandson’s help) in preparation. We had all the traditional foods our family loves, plus games for laughter and placemats to write what we were all thankful for. My grandson even made turkey nameplates for everyone at the table… And without telling me,  he included one for Bruce.

Including Bruce… That has become one of my traditions since he passed away… Not just remembering Bruce… But actually including him. Each holiday I set up his picture with six candles. Before we say our blessing, we light the candles and remember him. This is my way of including Bruce… But this is also where I get choked up, because this is where it becomes real that I am here, and he is gone.

“Today, we light six candles in honor of you.
1. This candle represents our grief. The pain of losing you is intense. It is a reminder of the depth of our love for you.
2. This candle represents our courage – to confront our sorrow, to comfort each other, and to change our lives.
3. This candle is in your memory – the times we laughed, the times we cried, the times we were angry with each other, the silly things you did, and the caring and joy you gave us.
4. This candle is the light of love. Day by day, we cherish the special place in our hearts that will always be reserved for you. Thank you for the gift your life brought to each of us.
5. This candle is the light of hope. It reminds us of love and memories of you that are ours forever.
6. This candle is the light of eternity – for the day when we will see you again in all God’s glory. We will be together again. We will have healthy, whole bodies and can explore the wonders of heaven together.
May the light of the Lord be our source of hopefulness now and forever.
Amen.” **

The day was wonderful! We haven’t had a family Thanksgiving in years, and I felt continuously blessed throughout the day to be surrounded by those I love. I’ll be honest, there were a few tears shed for Bruce in quiet, private moments, but even those were followed by precious memories of past Thanksgiving celebrations with him by my side…

And an unending thankfulness to have known and loved this wonderful man.

** I found this ceremony on the internet almost immediately after Bruce passed away. I have no idea where it came from or who wrote it. All I know is this ceremony has brought me unlimited comfort on holidays, as I strive to include Bruce and remember the love we shared.

I am so thankful for this virtual group. Your support and kind notes always touch my heart, and I feel close to you through the experiences we share. Does anyone else have a Thanksgiving story to share? Do you have a special way of including your loved one? Please share your thoughts and stories, so others will realize what they feel is normal too… We are all dealing with some extremely intense, emotional stuff, and none of us needs to handle this alone. Learning to navigate this journey is different for each of us. It brings its individual challenges and lessons. Through it we come to realize we are stronger than we thought we were. If any of this feels familiar, we are here, you are not alone. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. *

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Jealous?… Seriously?

“When I see someone with what I lost, I feel the pain all over again.” ~ Rev. Karen Tudor

I remember when this whole thing began… In my support group and in everything I read, I was told I would experience a plethora of emotions. Forget the stages of grief… I would definitely feel those, but it wouldn’t be the “complete the checklist and you’re better” kind of thing. Instead, it would be more like a 3-ring circus with multiple emotions happening all at once – coming and going in the blink of an eye.

In my writings, I have shared most of those feelings, but there is one I’m don’t think I have said out loud… jealousy. Yep… I hate to admit it, but that is one emotion I actually feel more often than I care to admit… and I’m not very proud of myself. It seems to show up in different forms, but it is definitely there, and usually I’m not quite sure what to do with it.

I remember the first time I felt it… I was walking into the grocery store and saw an older couple walking in – hand in hand. Shortly afterward, I was flying to (who knows where) and found myself seated next to a couple about my age, snuggled up, sharing one set of earbuds as they watched a movie together… Both times, it was so sweet… so typical of small moments Bruce and I had shared… And both times I had to look away as tears formed in my eyes. Why did they get a future together? Why not us?

I remember on one business trip, sitting at the hotel bar and listening to the elderly couple next to me flirt with each other. I don’t remember how we started talking but we ended up eating dinner together that night… As it turned out, they were both widows who had just recently married… As I shared my feelings and thoughts (and admitted feeling jealous), they were so kind. I will always remember that night, because they both left me feeling so validated… and normal.

There have been other times, though, which haven’t been as “sweet,” but also left me feeling that tinge…

Just to be clear… I’ve been married, and I know it is normal to argue with the person you love. However, there have been times when I have overheard couples being downright cruel and ugly to each other… Don’t get me wrong, I’m not jealous of the arguing… But I want to shake them silly, because I am jealous that they are still together… still a couple… yet, they don’t seem to appreciate it. All the while, I would give anything for one more conversation or even just one more hug…

There are other times when I listen to friends complain of boredom or lack of love in their relationships… They are only in the relationship “out of obligation”… Honestly, I’m not judging that – I’ve been there, and I get it. What I don’t understand is why Bruce and I don’t get to be together, yet here are these people who don’t even like each other… And they are still together. I know – that sounds awful… I’m not wishing for anyone else to die. I don’t get it – it just doesn’t feel fair… (And I would bet, there are many of you reading this who understand exactly what I mean.)

You’d think that would be it… but it’s not. If you are on Face Book, then I would bet you have seen those notes where people who are still very much in love with their partners will post something that says, “Share this if… you are still married to your soulmate… or you have the best husband/wife ever… or your still love your partner… etc.” I know – These are sweet, and I don’t blame them for shouting it from the mountaintops (or their Face Book feed)… I felt the same way… I guess, that’s why it hits so hard. Every time I read it, I think – “YES! That’s us! … Wait… No, not anymore… I still love him, but does it still count?” Then, I get that pit in my stomach as I scroll past, knowing that is a world where I no longer belong.

Lately several of my friends have announced new relationships or engagements… I love that! I am so excited for them. I remember when Bruce and I first met… I remember the excitement of new love and getting married. I remember feeling like I was the luckiest woman in the world… I remember feeling more loved than I had ever felt in my whole life… I remember all of that… and then, there it is once again… I feel so happy for them… and so sad for Bruce and I.

Everything I read says this is normal… My emotions are normal – they are neither good nor bad. I know it’s what I do with them that makes the difference. Still… I am embarrassed to admit that throughout the years since Bruce died, there have been many times when I have felt this way… sometimes I cry, sometimes I get quiet, and other times I smile… But always there is that tinge of pain and jealousy at what we had… and lost.

Please forgive me…

I am so thankful for this virtual group. Your support and kind notes always touch my heart, and I feel close to you through the experiences we share. Does anyone else out there know what I am talking about? Have you ever felt this way too? Please share your thoughts and stories, so others will realize what they feel is normal too… We are all dealing with some extremely intense, emotional stuff, and none of us needs to handle this alone.

Learning to navigate this journey is different for each of us. It brings its individual challenges and lessons. Through it we come to realize we are stronger than we thought we were. If any of this feels familiar, we are here, you are not alone. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. *

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Happy Anniversary, Babe!

Well, it’s that time of year again. This past week Bruce and I would have celebrated our 12th anniversary… together. Instead once again, I celebrated… alone… But that’s okay. I’d rather celebrate the love we shared than pretend it never happened. So if you don’t mind, while my celebrations tend to be similar, I would love to share my day (and my thoughts) with you again.

I started the morning watching the sunrise at the beach where Bruce’s ashes were scattered off shore. I can’t explain it, but I just wanted the first moments of the day to be spent with him. For lunch, I celebrated “us” at our favorite restaurant. (I have gone every year, and the staff never fails to make it special.)

For the afternoon, I headed back to the beach with roses, a beer and a card – gifts for Bruce… My way of commemorating a wonderful man. I have also done this every year, and every year the same thing happens… The beer and the card are immediately taken by the waves. (I like to believe they are taken by Bruce.) However, the flowers are different… Every year (at first), all three roses will go out into the waves, but without fail, Bruce always manages to send one back to me… And no matter how high up on the shore I place my chair, one rogue wave will always bring one rose back and leave it right in front of me… The first few years that would become a battle as I kept trying to throw it back, only to have the ocean simply place it right back at my feet. Now… I just smile and accept it as a gift from Bruce… a sign that he is still nearby… still watching and loving me.

There is so much I could write here about my feelings, but I think the card and note I gave Bruce sums it up…

It isn’t easy being so in love with you
And not being able to see you every day!
There are times when I’d give anything
Just to be able to gaze into your eyes
Or hold you in my arms
Even for a few minutes.
I always feel incomplete
Like a part of me is missing,
When we’re not together.
I know that, right now,
This is how things have to be,
But that doesn’t make it any easier to bear.
Every day without you just reminds me
Of the joy you add to my life,
Joy that I’m missing a lot.
So don’t forget that I love you.
That I’m thinking of you,
And that I’m counting every minute
Until we’re together again.
~Hallmark card (Of course – don’t they say it best!)

My note:
Happy anniversary, Babe! Wow! It’s hard to believe – today would have been 12 years. It’s hard to believe that so long ago, we were both so nervous and excited at the idea of “living happily ever after.” How could we know how deep our love would run… and how very short our time together?

I must confess… My heart breaks each morning as I awake and remember… you are gone… and I am still here. I miss you so much… even time has not managed to change that. Today I am celebrating “us.” Some of that includes tears, but mostly it is smiles over such beautiful, precious memories.

This morning I watched the sunrise and thought of your last text to me – a picture of the sunrise at this same beach saying you wished I were there… Me too! (I believe that is one of my only regrets.)

For lunch, I am at “our” restaurant in Cocoa – toasting us… and remembering our last anniversary dinner here. You made it such a special night. You made me feel like the only woman in the world – a princess… I felt so loved. Even then, we had no idea our time was almost done. All we could see was each other and our future together.

I’ll never understand why God chose this path for us. All I can do is patiently wait until we are together again… in each other’s arms or hand in hand exploring heaven together.

Please stay beside me, Babe… You are my heart and you fill my soul.

I will love you always and forever!

This year, this day held a few tears but mostly I tried to remember to be grateful for what we had… and patient with myself. I still miss him. I can’t help it. There’s a loneliness I can’t explain, and I can’t shake. The one thing in this world I want – I can’t have… But I DO have beautiful memories of our love…

I am so thankful for that, Babe! Happy Anniversary!

I am also thankful for this virtual group. Your support and kind notes always touch my heart, and I feel closer to you through the experiences we share. Through the stories and thoughts we share here, I hope others will realize what they feel is normal… We are all dealing with some extremely intense, emotional stuff, and none of us needs to handle this alone. Learning to navigate this journey is different for each of us. It brings its individual challenges and lessons. Through it we come to realize we are stronger than we thought we were. If any of this feels familiar, we are here, you are not alone. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. *

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… On Boundaries

This week has been a perfect storm… It has been the kickoff of the hardest season of the year for me – a time of celebrations and special days where every few days I am hit with the knowledge that I am here and Bruce is gone. It has also been the week leading up to the full moon… I know there is evidence on both sides of this fence, but from my own experience, the few days prior to the full moon seem to always trigger sadness in me. (Usually, though, I don’t know why I am feeling that way until I finally get the chance to see the moon.) And finally, this has been the week I am supposed to start saying “no” at least once a day.

WHAT???

Yes, you heard me… I have been working on myself lately, and learning how to set boundaries. That may sound pretty basic, but it is something I just never seemed to learn. I grew up in a strict home, (which is fine). It just meant (in our home) children didn’t dare say “no” to anything. Then, in my first marriage, it was the same. He was in charge, and I knew the consequences of crossing him. “No” was not an option there either… The difference is as an adult, “no” should be an option.

When I married Bruce, however, life was different. He not only accepted the fact that I had a mind of my own, he encouraged me to speak up. He never got angry if I disagreed or said “no.” In fact, he was amazingly supportive in that area… In those few years together, my confidence grew as my ability to speak up grew.

BUT, when Bruce died, I lost that… I don’t know why but when he died and I lost his support, I also lost my confidence. Throughout these last few years, I have said over and over how I felt I went backward emotionally when he died… And This is one of the main areas where I lost my footing. The problem has been I know how I feel, but without that deep genuine support (which I didn’t know how to ask for) I felt I couldn’t speak up.

Instead, I have held things in until I exploded in some type of gross display of self-righteous anger… knowing I was leaving hurt in my wake, but not knowing how to do it any different. This has been even more prominent in my grief… Things have happened which were hurtful, but rather than speaking up, I have held my emotions in until I exploded… The problem is I have been too caught up in my own pain to see the pain I have been causing others… until lately…

If this has never been an issue for you, then this probably sounds nuts. However, if you were always told to “be a good girl,” “don’t be mean,” and definitely “don’t cross others,” then you know exactly what I am talking about… Learning to speak up for myself in a way that is not hurtful to others is a learned skill… one I am still working on.

So, I have been working with a mentor/coach while reading the books Emotional Intelligence 2.0 by Bradberry and Greaves and Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend to help me make sense of something I don’t understand but genuinely want to fix about myself…

Briefly, I’d like to share some of the things I have learned. First, there are three main obstacles to setting boundaries. People who struggle with setting boundaries usually do so because of one (or more) of these… (For me, it seems to be all three.):

1. A fear of the loss of the relationship (or abandonment). If this is you, it is scary to set limits because you worry you the whole relationship will fall apart. However, this can also leave you feeling like you are a hostage to the relationship. So, what can you do? First, don’t feel like you must be the “fixer.” Instead, broaden the number of people you depend on… People who can empathize – who are willing to just be with you and listen without trying to give solutions… People who understand advice is good, but it has a place and that place is second! Having that safe place to vent, allows you to think things through/talk things out without fear of judgement, making it easier to set necessary limits. (You’d be surprised what a big deal this is!)

2. A fear of conflict – If this is you, conflict avoidance is your game. Here’s the thing… We are taught about conflict in our families of origin. However, if we are taught that we are not allowed to be mad, and we are responsible for other people’s happiness, then instead of learning that conflict can be a good thing, we learn that conflict is bad. This is how “people pleasers” are created. The problem is people pleasers do not set boundaries. Instead, they “train” the people around them to get mad in order to get what they want from the people pleaser. So, bravery is required here… Again, having support will us be courageous when it comes to conflict.

3. Guilt – If this is you, setting boundaries, leaves you feeling guilty. There is a fear that our boundaries may somehow damage the other person, and the last thing we want is to hurt those around us. But here is some food for thought… There is a huge difference between “hurt” and “harm.” They are not the same thing. Sometimes things may hurt in the short term, but help us in the long run. Hurt can allow for growth through honest feedback, but the long run, it creates a more harmonious relationship. Harm, on the other hand, does long term damage. When we confuse these two, it leads to mistrust and seeing others as more fragile than they really are. The best answer here is to respect the other person enough to be honest without being hurtful… Give the other person enough respect to let them adapt to the “no.”

Finally, if abuse is a part of your history (as in my first marriage) it can be even more important to find help and support from others in order to create and keep boundaries… Someone to help “hold you up” when you feel like giving up. This was what Bruce did for me for years… He not only supported me, he encouraged me to set boundaries and never got angry or upset with me when I did. This gave me the courage and to say “no”… And for the first time, I felt like I had some type of control. Why? Because I didn’t have to worry about being abandoned, OR an argument or being made to feel guilty… His support was priceless.

But when he died, somehow I lost all I had learned… So here I am at 55, working on setting boundaries. Each week I have had “homework” to help me figure this out one baby step at a time. For example, last week, I simply monitored each time I wanted to say “no” but didn’t. This week, I was supposed to say “no” or set a limit at least once a day.

This is where I stumbled…

I’m not used to speaking up. So, to me when I try to speak up, it seems to come out all wrong. It’s not like writing, Here I have a rough draft that sounds awkward and rough, but I can rewrite it as many times as I need to before anyone “hears” it. No… when I am talking, I only get one shot, and right now, it just feels awkward.

I won’t lie… I am extremely uncomfortable with this. So many times this week I wanted to give up and go back to my old habits… But that really isn’t what I want – not deep down. At this point in my journey, I desperately want to be more positive… and to do so, I need to be able to do this for myself. So, here I am walking into another week and trying again… Knowing my heart will be hurting even more this week as Bruce and my anniversary approaches, but also knowing I can do this…

With the right mindset (and support) … I know I can do this.

Let me say how thankful I am for this group. Your notes and messages always touch my heart, and I feel close to you through the experiences we share. Through these stories and the thoughts we share, I hope others will realize what they feel is normal… We are all dealing with some pretty intense, emotional stuff, and none of us needs to handle this alone. Learning to navigate this journey is different for each of us. It brings its individual challenges and lessons. Through it we come to realize we are stronger than we thought we were. If any of this feels familiar, we are here, you are not alone. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. *

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… The Club You Never Want to Join

As I write today, I am exhausted. I just spent the last few days camping with a pack of Cub Scouts and their parents… something I haven’t done for about 20+ years. The time together as a family was precious and watching my grandson make friends and having boyhood fun made it even better. This is a new pack for us, and we felt completely welcomed. What a blessing!

Now while camping is not one of my favorite things to do, this turned out to be one of those groups or clubs that you know from the start is going to be a good thing… Someplace where you make friends instantly and your sides hurt from all the laughter… It is a great place to be!

There is another club I joined several years ago. Here, too, I made deep connections and instant friends… However, instead of my sides hurting from laughter, in this club, tears are the constant variable…. And, before this weekend, I have never thought of it as a good place to be… It is the “widow’s club.”

I remember right after Bruce died, I read something about the “widow’s club.” The club you don’t ask to join. In fact, you never want to join this club, but you are never given a choice. One day you don’t even know the club exists… you’ve never even thought about it. The next day, you find yourself a steadfast member.

At the time, I remember thinking, “No! I don’t want to do this! I don’t want to be a part of this!” Yet at the same time, I was so thankful for all the other women who had walked this road ahead of me… Thankful for the stories they wrote, thankful for the advice they gave (and didn’t give), thankful for a safe space where I have never felt judged, and thankful there was someone out there who understood the pain I was (and still am) feeling…

I don’t like that there is a need for this club, but I am so thankful it exists.

So why am I talking about Cub Scouts and widows? Because, while we were on this scouting trip, I met another member of the other club… another widow, like me…

I can’t really say how we came to realize we were both a part of this other club, too. We had actually talked several times throughout the weekend without it ever coming up. Of course, it’s not like being a widow is something you just throw out there in the middle of a conversation… unless, of course, you want the entire conversation to come to an immediate, awkward stop.

But somehow, just hours before we were leaving, we both realized we had this in common… We were both members of that club you never want to join. Immediately, we were asking each other questions, sharing our stories, talking about the areas where we struggle… And mostly reassuring and hugging each other. Granted, our individual stories are different, but there was an instant bond there… One which is only achieved because you both lost the one thing you can never quite let go of…

For those who have not started on this journey yet, this may sound odd… You may think you would never be able to bond with a stranger over something so personal. Honestly, I would have agreed with you before Bruce passed away. But now… Well now, I know something different… When you share something which touches you both so deep, when the pain you each feel is something which never goes away, you learn quickly just how much support you need, and how much reassurance that you aren’t crazy…

You need to know you aren’t the only one who is still grieving years later… To know you aren’t the only one pretending everything is fine when deep inside you know it still hurts just as bad as on day one. Sometimes you need to know the reason you don’t know what to do is because there really isn’t a right or wrong answer. There are so many times when I have needed to know all these things and more. Yet, as much as I hate to admit I am a part of this club, there is some comfort in knowing there are others out there like me… Others who also loved their husbands with all their heart and never imagined there wouldn’t be a future which included both of them.

So, while this is a club I wish I never joined, and for which I wish there were no need… I am so thankful it is here… and for all the beautiful people who make up its membership…

This weekend was exhausting, but at the same time, I was reminded to be thankful for something I wish didn’t need to be. But there is a need… In fact, this blog is a part of it. Through the stories and thoughts we share, I hope others will realize what they feel is normal… We are all dealing with some pretty intense, emotional stuff, and none of us needs to handle this alone. Learning to navigate this journey is different for each of us. It brings its individual challenges and lessons. Through it we come to realize we are stronger than we thought we were. If any of this feels familiar, we are here, you are not alone. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. *

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Dealing with the Stress

This has been a week of feeling up and feeling down. It has been a week of enjoying time with an old friend and realizing another friend threw me under the bus to suit their own purpose… In other words, it has been a week most people can probably related to – whether you are grieving or not. However, for most widows, even “everyday” stress can be overwhelming for one simple reason… We have no one to turn to when things are rough… There was a time when we did, but that time has passed. In fact, now all those stressful moments we encounter are compounded by another round of grief as we are reminded once again we are alone.

Through these past 4+ years, I have watched widows collapse emotionally under the stress of doing it all alone… I have watched women pull into themselves, lose their homes, struggle to balance a budget, or let their homes fall apart around them simply because the stress of everyday life was too much. Please don’t assume these are people who never learned to take care of themselves – that has not always the case. Many of these women have done amazingly strong things. They just didn’t have the proper resources to handle the stress of widowhood… Because it is a stressor like to no other.

I guess I have been lucky… My stress issues have not been so severe… But they are still very real, and they seem to affect my life on a pretty consistent basis.

For the last month, my mentor and I have been working on my own self-awareness and how I handle stress. I have spent this time keeping a diary of my emotions. The goal has been to list each emotion without labeling it “good” or “bad.” I was to simply observe what triggered each emotion, my thought process, how I felt physically, and my thoughts on “why.” After a month of this, I have had a lot of “ah-ha” moments… I learned many things about myself which seem so obvious on this end, but which I was completely unaware just a few weeks ago… So, this week became the week to start applying what I have learned.

Two of the biggest things I learned were I create a lot of my own stress either by not setting clear boundaries or by trying to control things which are not in my control.

So, in order to handle my own stress better, these are the areas where I know I need to be most aware. But how to do that became the question this week. After all, if I already knew how to set boundaries or let things go, I wouldn’t be so stressed in the first place.

One of the first things I had to understand and accept was we are ALL designed with a desire to be in control. The problem, however, seems to be we want the stressor to change… But 99.9% of the time, that is not something we can control… That is not something we can change. So, when a stressful situation reared its head this week, I initially “took the bait.” I didn’t like what was happening. I wanted it to stop… But it didn’t stop, and I couldn’t force it to stop. I could feel my face getting red and the tears of anger building up in my eyes, as I struggled to regain control of myself, (which was the only thing I knew I had any chance of controlling in that moment).

This proved harder than I thought it would be.

Our bodies are designed to kick into “auto-pilot” when we are stressed… Our body processes slow down to conserve its resources in case we need to “fight or flee.” For example, our blood pressure rises but our blood flow to the brain decreases. This causes our “emotional” brain to increase, while our “rational” brain decreases. This is why we often find ourselves saying or doing things in “the heat of the moment” which we later regret. This is also why, from a physical standpoint, regaining control is extremely important.

At this point, it is vital to recognize what is happening, which I now realized was the purpose for keeping the diary…

This is where I began to make changes…

I knew the first step was to regain control of myself physically. Only then could I begin to regain control of my thoughts. And from there, I was able to change my perception of the situation. This change of perception, I realized, is my own spiritual growth… and this is where change happens.

This is where I recognize those places I do have control. Then, I am able to set appropriate boundaries and hold on. (I say, “hold on,” because if setting boundaries is new for you, others will have a hard time accepting that you have done so. But hang in there… It will get better.)

So, this week, I did just that… I worked hard on those things I can control – my physical response and the boundaries I needed to set. I did a lot of praying for strength, and I surrendered to God those things I couldn’t control.

So, what was my boundary this week? I stood up for myself. I told the friend who let me down that I was hurt and angry by what they did. I told them, I still care about them and can work with them, but I don’t trust them and will no longer confide in them.

That may not seem like much but it was a big deal for me… It is about baby steps… I know I don’t have to do it all at once.

This will be a new part of my journey. Going forward, I just need to keep in mind handling my stressors involves:
1. The desire to be in control and recognize the stressors when I am not in control.
2. When I judge myself and decide I’m not good enough, I need to remember God created me… I have value… That means it’s okay to accept myself and stand up for myself.
3. Those who love me provide those relationships which see in me what I can’t see in myself.
4. My own spiritual growth is what will allow me to change my perception and handle life’s stressors.

I hope this didn’t sound “preachy” today… That is not my intent. This was a week of growth for me, and I wanted to share it since I have learned so much. I just hope others will realize what they feel is normal… We are ALL dealing with some pretty intense, emotional stuff, and none of us needs to handle this alone. Learning to navigate this journey is different for each of us. It brings its individual challenges and lessons. Through it we come to realize we are stronger than we thought we were. If any of this feels familiar, we are here, you are not alone. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. *

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… I am So Very Sorry, Las Vegas

I am a firm believer that what you allow into your mind (what you listen to) has a direct effect on your outlook and mood. Therefore, I don’t listen to the news first thing in the morning. My day starts in the wee hours of the morning when I get up to run or work out before the rest of the world starts to stir. But the news is not what I listen to… Those early morning hours are my time… My time for self-improvement – both physically and mentally. I am very particular about what I listen to during this time… It is either some type of spiritual, motivational, behavioral speaker or some type of historical or scientific documentary. In other words, something to make my world or my mind a little bit better… not something to make my world darker or more negative.

I put “it” off as long as I can… I am usually in the car, halfway to work before I finally turn on the news to catch up on the things I know I need to know. So, even though I had been awake for several hours, it was 6:30 AM on Monday morning when I first heard the news… There had been a mass shooting at a country music concert in Las Vegas. They were already predicting it to be the worst mass shooting in US history – even worse than the Pulse shooting here last year.

I was stunned. Even though I don’t know anyone in Las Vegas, it still hit me like a ton of bricks. As I sat there listening to audio tape of the shooting, tears flowed down my cheeks… I couldn’t even begin to comprehend the confusion, panic and pain that must have transpired in those few minutes and throughout the aftermath.

Immediately, my thoughts went to the many families who would be affected by this. So many people grieving… So many people hurting… and no apparent answers to any of their questions.

I can’t imagine that kind of pain…

I have a friend who lost her husband in a boating accident where the person responsible was drunk. I have another friend who lost her son in a motorcycle accident where he was stopped at a stop sign and the responsible party took the turn too wide and killed him. Each of these women has not only had to deal with their grief, they have also had to process the anger that comes from someone taking the life of someone they love way too soon… I can’t imagine it… Thankfully, I didn’t have to add that to my grief, as well.

There was no one to blame for Bruce’s death… When Bruce died, he was in his own bed. We had enjoyed each other’s company the night before, and we were laying in each other’s arms. Suddenly I was wide awake – moving in what felt like a dream… calling 911 and desperately trying to save my husband. And while there are a lot of days when I blame myself for not saving him, there really isn’t anyone to blame.

But… for the people in Las Vegas there is someone to blame. One person made a decision to take the lives of as many people as possible. I can’t comprehend that… There is not one piece of that thought process that makes sense in my head. How in the world does someone have that much hate inside them?? … And how do you grieve when you have to process your own (valid) anger, on top of the pain of loss?

I don’t know… I’ve never been there… But it must be horrendous.

This week there has been a lot of talk about killings, guns, and politics… I’m not going to talk about that here. I know we all come from different experiences which create our individual opinions, and whether I agree or not, I respect each person’s right to their opinion. Besides, that’s not what this blog is about… For these already hurting people, it would be wrong to turn their grief into a political statement here… Based on my own grief experience, I know they all have a long, hard road ahead… For their sake, I wish this had never happened. I wish they didn’t have to bear this pain… And I am sure no one wishes it more than they do.

So many times this week, I have wished Bruce were still here… I need him to hold me and reassure me we will get through this. I need his wisdom and his calming presence to understand how to process the hate that created this tragic situation… It breaks my heart to know that this is something which seems to be more and more common in our world today.

While my grandson has no idea of the events of last Sunday, he is growing up in this world… a world which seems to hate more and more each day. How do I help him to live in this world and not give in to the hate which seems to be so prevalent?

The only thing I know to do is to teach him to love…

Yes, I know there are a lot of people who will laugh and say that is a weak, head-in-the-clouds response. Honestly, I don’t really care what they say… For me, it is the only response which will make a difference.

As a widow, I have spent the last 4+ years feeling more like someone on the outside looking in – observing life and observing people… From this viewpoint, adding hate to hate only seems to increase the hate…. So maybe it’s time to try something else…

I’m not sure I know how, and I’m not saying it is easy. In fact, it goes against everything I feel right now. But, if my response is hate, then I am no better than the man who did this on Sunday or the countless others who have let their hate drive their thoughts and behavior. I don’t want to do that… I don’t want to be that person…

So, maybe… just maybe… It’s time to do something different… Maybe it really is time to bring love to the presence of hate…

Everyone deals with grief and the anger it can create in their own way and in their own time… To the families affected by the shooting in Las Vegas this week, I extend my deepest condolences. I can’t imagine the pain and grief in your hearts.

This blog today is only my thoughts and observations this week as I find myself trying to understand something that can’t be understood, and wishing Bruce were still by my side to help me feel safe… Learning to navigate this journey is different for each of us. It brings us individual challenges and lessons, and through it, we come to realize we are stronger than we thought we were. If any of this feels familiar, we are here, you are not alone. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. *

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Learn to Be Lonely

Learn to Be Lonely
Child of the wilderness
Born into emptiness
Learn to be lonely
Learn to find your way in darkness
Who will be there for you?
Comfort and care for you?
Learn to be lonely
Learn to be your one companion
Never dreamed out in the world
There are arms to hold you
Your heart was on its own
So laugh in your loneliness
Child of the wilderness
Learn to be lonely
Learn how to love life that is lived alone
Learn to be lonely
Life can be lived
Life can be loved
Alone
~Andrew Lloyd Webber, Phantom of the Opera

I heard this song the other day, and it really hit home with me… Almost immediately, my eyes filled with tears, and I thought, “Yes, exactly! That is where I am.” … Learning to live alone… and learning how to love that life despite being alone.

According to the dictionary, “lonely” has several definitions. The one that seems to hit home for me is “Without others of a similar kind.” I think that is why I often feel so lonely… because within my family and my closest friends, I am the only widow. So, while I am around people almost all the time, I am the only one that knows what this feels like… how hard it can be… how lonely it can be…

And how determined I am to not just live my life, but to love it, too…

That is the hard part – loving it…

I love the people I am with – my family and my friends. I love the laughter and adventures we share. I love taking trips together. I love simple debates and intimate conversations… I love all these things and more.

But…

I miss being held and feeling the safety of his arms. I miss looks across the room that convey an entire conversation without a word being spoken. I miss sharing a private joke and dreaming about our future together. I miss caring for each other and supporting each other. I miss hugs when I’m down or for absolutely no reason at all. I miss extra dishes in the sink and seeing his beer in the frig… I miss the way he wore shorts in the dead of winter and always cooked in his bare feet. I miss being greeted at the door with a glass of wine and dancing in the kitchen. There is so much… And I miss it all!

I am alone.
All alone.
No longer is there someone to listen at the end of the day.
No longer are there arms to hug me or lips to kiss away the hurt.
No longer is there someone to say, “I love you… That’s all we need.”
All that greets me is silence, emptiness and my own thoughts…
I am alone…
All alone.
~ Linda, September 2013

I know life goes on… That is a reality I have had to accept.

I have learned to smile again (at least on the outside). I am learning to have fun again and to laugh again. I am learning to step out on my own and push beyond my comfort zone. In other words, I am learning to live again… Only this time, I have to learn how to do it without Bruce… without anyone to tell me how to make this work… In fact, I have to do this without having any idea how to do this…

In other words, I have to “learn to be lonely” … and still be okay…

Everyone deals with grief and the loneliness it creates in their own way and in their own time… These are only my thoughts and observations this week as I find myself trying to push myself to try a few new things (even if it is beyond my comfort zone). Maybe grief has been that way for you, as well. Learning to navigate this journey tends to show us we are stronger than we thought we were, even when our loneliness leaves us feeling completely vulnerable. If any of this feels familiar, we are here, you are not alone. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. *

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Smiling on the Outside

Too Much
Some days the pain is so great.
Some days it is too much.
But still I must put a smile on my face
And walk out to face the world.
I must pretend all is well.
But inside…
The pain is so great…
It is too much…
Too much…
~Linda, Sept 2013

When Bruce first died, the pain and grief were intense. If someone had asked me to put it on a scale from 1 – 10, I would have said 10+++. The pain was horrific. There were days when it even hurt to breathe. No… A “10” would not even begin to describe how much it hurt. Over time, however, one would think that would change… It seems logical that over time that number would go down. The pain would lessen. At this point, (after all these years) perhaps it should only be a 1 or 2. But I’m here to tell you, that’s not the way it works… Not on the inside, anyway.

I should have known that was not going to happen. So many times, from the very beginning, I heard or read that the pain of grief never heals… Everything I read said it would be like a scar – healed over yet never the same.

I have to say, I disagree…

It has been over 4 years, since Bruce died… And if I had to give this journey a number now, it would easily still be an 8… And some days maybe even still a 10. Also, I would not describe this as a mere scar. It is more like a wound that is still angry and tender. Yet, somehow, the skin has managed to grow over it, and it is far from healed.

All it takes is something simple – a song on the radio, a memory out of nowhere, even a gesture from a stranger – and the tears start to form. But, what do I do? In the beginning, I cried… I felt what I felt. However, at this point in time, I usually suck it back in. I have things to do, places to go and people to see, and the last thing I want is for anyone to see me crying about something no one can fix. Besides, (and probably even more to the point) I don’t want to explain that, yes, after all these years, I am still hurting… I still miss Bruce and I still want our life back.

Back when all of this was new and the pain was fresh, people were understanding of my grief and my feelings. They were patient, and they were kind. After all this time, though, even I wouldn’t have imagined it would still hurt like this. So, of course, people don’t get it… After all this time, they are pretty sure there must be something wrong with me. After all, …

  • Why can’t I just get over it already?
  • Why don’t I just think about something else?
  • Why don’t I go out and meet someone else and move on?
  • What the hell is wrong with me, anyway?

Honestly, I ask myself these same questions. Actually though, there is nothing wrong with me… The reality is – this is all quite normal. In fact, from what I have read and heard from other widows(-ers), we all tend to put on a smile for the rest of the world, while on the inside we are crying and kicking and screaming – rebelling against this whole fiasco which is now our life.

At the same time, I can’t really blame anyone else for what they are thinking. I wouldn’t have expected this, so how could they? They’ve never been here. They have no idea what this is really like… And as long as I keep smiling on the outside, no one can know the ugly truth of what it really feels like to lose your best friend and soulmate… What it is to be absolutely lonely – always the outsider looking in – never quite sure where or if you fit in anywhere at all.

Yet, at the same time, I don’t really want to talk to anyone about it anymore. I don’t know what I would say that I haven’t already said before… Besides, they are probably as tired of hearing it, as I am of feeling it… The problem is I do feel it…

And I think those feelings may be around for a bit longer.

Everyone deals with grief’s emotions in their own way and for as long as they need to… These are only my thoughts and observations this week as I found myself smiling on the outside while I cried on the inside. Maybe grief has been that way for you, as well. Learning to navigate this journey tends to show us we are stronger than we thought, and yet, always vulnerable. If any of this feels familiar, we are here, you are not alone. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. *

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.