Tag: grief journey

Peace, Love and Grief… Blessed are Those Who Mourn

So many times since Bruce’s death, I have heard, read or been reminded of the verse from Matthew 5, “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.” For some reason, there are a lot of people that think that verse should be my “key” to getting over my grief. Yet, for the longest time, every time I encountered it, my inner response was always, “Uh-huh! Right… Whatever.”

Why? Because that verse in and of itself is not comforting. It is about comfort. It is a promise of comfort… But by itself, it is not comforting.

Every time I heard it, all I could think about was how I was not feeling any comfort at all. Instead, that verse felt cold and sterile – like I was supposed to automatically feel better just because of a few words. The thing is those words don’t convey any understanding of what I was feeling. There might be a strand of compassion in them, but I definitely didn’t feel any empathy for where I was emotionally. Instead, it felt a bit dismissive.

For years, though, I have had a gut feeling that there was more to that verse. That somehow, we have been shorted on this one, and this verse is just a condensed version of what Jesus actually said. After all, if there were hundreds of people listening, surely, he spoke long enough to make it worth their while to be there. However, I honestly believe there was more to it even than that… I believe he must have spoken in such a way that the people felt understood… That his words made a difference and moved them somehow.

Then a few years ago, someone sent me a link for a blog called, “The Sarcastic Lutheran,” written by Nadia Bolz-Weber. (I love her stuff, by the way!) In it, she added all the parts that were missing for me. In just a few short sentences, she brought this verse to life for me… When I read it, I felt understood…

“Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. Blessed are they for whom death is not an abstraction. Blessed are they who have buried their loved ones, for whom tears are as real as an ocean. Blessed are they who have loved enough to know what loss feels like. Blessed are the mothers of the miscarried. Blessed are they who don’t have the luxury of taking things for granted any more. Blessed are they who can’t fall apart because they have to keep it together for everyone else. Blessed are the motherless, the alone, the ones from whom so much has been taken. Blessed are those who “still aren’t over it yet” Blessed are they who laughed again when for so long they thought they never would. Blessed are Bo’s wife and kids and Billy’s mom and Amy Mac’s friends. Blessed are those who mourn. You are of heaven and Jesus blesses you.”
~ Nadia Bolz-Weber, ”Some Modern Beatitudes—A Sermon for All Saints Sunday” November 6, 2014, from her blog Sarcastic Lutheran.

That one paragraph still makes me smile… It still leaves me feeling comforted every single time I read it. I love it, because when you are grieving there are so many facets to the journey… And there are so many ways to experience the journey. This paragraph gave me the freedom to feel whatever I felt when I felt it, while at the same time, reminding me I wasn’t alone… I am “of heaven and Jesus blesses .” He understands the magnitude of everything I am feeling… and doesn’t judge me for it or tell me to “get over it.” He just comes beside me, takes me in his arms and holds me… through each moment and each emotion. When I feel broken and alone or guilty for having fun, he is right there, holding me up.

I have never met Nadia Bolz-Weber, nor am I likely to. Yet, because of her, I learned just how precious this short, simple verse can be when presented in the light of complete understanding – with more compassion and empathy than I would have ever believed. Because of her, my attitude about my own journey took a turn for the better, as I realized I just needed to be patient with myself. This is my journey – no one else can do it for me, nor are they likely to completely understand me on each and every step… And that’s okay too.

So now, whenever I hear the “Reader’s Digest” version of that verse, I can smile, because I know there is more to it… There is a blessing there, and while it is one I would rather never need, I can take comfort in knowing I am loved and understood… And that really is the blessing!

This is my story this week, but this is our community… a place to share our experiences. How about you? Was there something that you have read or heard that had a positive impact on your journey? Would you be willing to share it with the rest of us? Or maybe you would be willing to share your story or your thoughts… Who knows… your words may hold the answer for someone else. To share your story or thoughts, please go to the comments and leave a note, comment or question.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… To Those Who are Gone

While I have my artsy, creative side and my messy spaces, for the most part, I like order. Yes, I like “stuff,” but there is an order to the stuff. Each item has an order and belongs in a certain place (and in a certain way). I am also a “list person.” It brings me great satisfaction to check the items off as each one is completed. For example, the paper towels need to sit a certain way on the holder, and the toilet paper needs to roll from the top. Even my clothes in the closet are arranged by clothing type and color. Shoot, even the little men on the Foosball table need to be lined up just right.

I know it sounds a bit crazy, and Bruce used to laugh at my “nerdiness,” but it’s just me. Honestly though, I won’t say anything to anyone if they do it different, (I don’t expect or want everyone to be like me). It’s just when I notice something “out of place” in my own home, I’ll put it back the way I like it. I don’t know why… It’s just the way I am built.

All of this, I know, is really a control thing. Maybe it comes from raising four children pretty much by myself. Or maybe it is a by-product of many theater productions with over 200 children on stage. Or maybe it is the result of a chaotic first marriage where so much was out of control. Who knows? It just is what it is.

Bruce used to laugh. Sure, even he was particular about some things… But, for the most part, he was fine with “whatever,” or at least that was how it appeared to me. He was always telling me that “the river doesn’t try to move the rocks. Instead, it flows around them with no effort.”

I would laugh. Those were nice thoughts, but that was him – not me. Honestly, I just let it go in one ear and out the other… That is, until he was gone.

The day he died was awful! My world came crashing down around me in just a few moments. My world went from love and laughter and dreams to being alone and feeling completely abandoned. I had no control on what had just happened or what might happen next… Everything was spinning out of my grasp, and there was nothing I could do to stop it.

I’m sure you can guess one of the first things I did… Yep, I did some research and made a list – a list of all the things that would “help me get through this grief.” In my naivete, I honestly thought I could go through this list, complete each item, and things would be better… I would feel better. I wouldn’t feel this awful grief anymore.

I should have known better, but I didn’t. Everything I knew about loss and death was more from Hollywood than real life… But I learned quite quickly that none of it was true. There was no checklist on earth – no list of things I could do – that could heal the hole left in my soul. Even time on its own couldn’t healed this empty space in my heart.

But over time, I have learned some things…

After Bruce died, I started reading the books he read, and listening to the speakers he listened to. (In fact, I still do.) At the time, I was trying to know him better… I was trying to understand the man he was and how he thought.

A funny thing happened, though. I started paying attention, and for the first time, I actually wanted to learn “how to flow around the rocks.” At first it seemed impossible. It was all so foreign to me.

I kept thinking I needed Bruce’s help. I didn’t think I could figure this out on my own. When he was here, he understood me and how I thought. He knew how to help me relax a little bit and just “enjoy the ride.” But trying to do that alone… without him… Well, that just seemed like a daunting task.

However, as time went on, I did find myself changing… When I looked back, bit by bit, I could see small changes. You see, every time I read one of those books or listened to one of those speakers; I learned something new. Each time, I found myself making a small change here or there… Each time I got a little better at letting another thing go and living in the moment… In other words, I was learning “how to flow around the rocks” and “enjoy the ride” once again.

It has been a long, slow road, but I am moving forward. Then, this week in my reading, I came across this…

“… A family wasn’t a static thing. There were always changes going on, like with continents, sometimes the changes were invisible and underground, and sometimes they were explosive and deadly. The trick was to keep your balance. You couldn’t control the direction of your family any more than you could stop the continental shelf from breaking apart. All you could do was hold on for the ride.” ~ Kristin Hannah, Winter Garden

Boy! This spoke volumes to me… When Bruce was alive, I didn’t want our time together to ever end. In fact, I couldn’t even imagine it. So, when it did happen, I was shocked… I couldn’t even breathe. I wanted so badly for things to go back to the way they had been… To wake up and find this was all just a bad dream… But that didn’t happen.

Through the years that followed, I have tried so hard to stay in control of my world… To never let it fall apart like that again… To minimize my risk of ever hurting like that again… To keep my family close and love them enough… Because then, maybe, I won’t lose them too. Of course, these ate all things I can’t control… All things I need to let go…

So here I sit, trying to figure out where to go from here. I think this is simply another step in my journey… Another moment of growth for me. Honestly, I don’t know what it will mean. I doubt there will be any drastic changes, because each lesson has been baby steps so far.

Yet, I believe, it will mean opening up a little bit more to life and what it offers… Being thankful for those who fill my world and enjoying every moment with them.

I am so thankful for all Bruce has taught me from our time back then, up to now, and even into tomorrow… I am so thankful that because of his legacy, I haven’t just given up. Instead, I want to honor him and all those I love (here and gone) by remembering to love this life and all who have crossed my path…

“To those who are here, those who are gone, and those who are lost.” ~ Kristin Hannah, Winter Garden

This is my story this week, but this is our community… a place to share our experiences. How about you? How are you moving forward? Where are your struggles and your successes? Would you be willing to share your story or your thoughts… Who knows… your words may hold the answer for someone else. To share your story or thoughts, please go to the comments and leave a note, comment or question.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Triggers

Isn’t it funny how there are some things that just trigger those feelings of grief? Do you know what I am talking about?… Those feelings of “Oh my gosh, I really miss you today.” It’s strange, I know… For goodness sake, it’s been years! How in the world do those overwhelming feelings still manage to take over every rational thought in my head? I wish I had an answer, but I don’t know… They just do.

I know those triggers aren’t the same for all of us… Shoot, even for me, those triggers can change from time to time.

Sometimes it is a song on the radio… There are mornings when I turn on the radio and “our” song is playing. Three or four notes into the intro can find me blubbering like a baby. It makes me crazy… I love to hear it – that song holds so many precious memories within those few minutes. Yet, almost every time it comes on, I cry, because for a few moments I am thrown back to a time when Bruce and I were inseparable. Then, just as suddenly, I am back to reality… a life without the man I love.

Other times, the trigger can be a simple comment made by someone else. Usually it is someone who didn’t know me back then… Someone who doesn’t connect my life now to someone who watched her husband die in her arms. So, a comment gets made about what they would or wouldn’t do if they lost their spouse, or a judgement is made about someone who is currently grieving a loss.

I know they have no idea what they are talking about… I know they are speaking from a place of un-knowing. They have no idea what that kind of loss is like or how they will respond… So, while on the inside I want to scream and tell them what they don’t know – what they can’t know – and how lucky they are not to know… But I don’t… Instead, I just bite my tongue – saying nothing, or if the tears do fill my eyes, I turn away and busy myself with something outside the conversation. I learned long ago, there are some things in life that can’t be understood until you are smack dab in the middle of it, so there is really no point in trying to explain.

Another one that can take my breath away, is when I see someone who from the back looks so much like Bruce. Maybe it is their build, or the way they move, but there is something that catches my eye and for a moment my heart soars. Or… when I am driving down the road and either spot a car just like his or a truck like the one he used to drive. While logically I know it isn’t him – it can’t be… Yet, I still do a double take every time. Hoping against hope to see that grin and tell-tell baseball cap. What if it is him? What if this really is all just a bad dream, and I am finally waking up? But of course, it isn’t him… it never is. It is only a reminder of him… A reminder that he was here, but no more… And the disappointment that follows is always a struggle.

This week, the trigger was one that comes from within… It wasn’t a song or a conversation or a someone’s similarities or a car… Nope, it was all internal… It was all me… and these are usually the ones that hurt the worse. It is something so silly, I am almost too embarrassed to even say it… But I managed to get my feelings hurt. (Sounds five years old, doesn’t it?) But it is what happened, and I am talking about it because I know we all get our feelings hurt sometimes.

The thing is when Bruce was alive and someone hurt my feelings, I knew he was going to be there for me to lean on. All I had to do was look at him, and he knew. Then, without a moment’s hesitation, he would gather me in his arms and hold me. He would stroke my hair and tell me it was all going to be okay. And the funny thing was, he had a way of always making me feel like it really was going to be okay… It was us (together) against anything that might try to hurt us. I never felt like I was on my own. I always knew without a doubt that he had my back… and his arms were a safe place to land… always… every time… But not anymore.

Instead, when my world turned dark this week, I was left feeling so absolutely alone. More than anything, I needed to feel his arms around me… I needed to hear him whisper that we were in this together, and it was all going to be okay. I needed him… But he was (and is) the one thing I couldn’t have. So… I cried… I cried because I was hurt and the situation is one where I just have to let it go… I can’t say anything or do anything to make it better… And I was hurting because the one person I needed in this moment, can’t be here… Instead, I am alone.

Yes, I have friends and people who care… and I am eternally greatly for each and every one. However, there are some spaces that only Bruce can fill… But that isn’t to be. So instead, I let myself cry… Then I took a breath (and a glass of wine) and pushed forward… If there is one thing I have learned, it is the fact that wallowing in that sadness will not help… Instead, I need to let it go… I also need to remember that I shouldn’t take things personally. When someone is being hurtful, it is really about them – not me… (Bruce used to remind me of that all the time.)

Today, I am fine… Actually, I was fine by the next morning. It was just another hard moment in time that has passed. It was just another trigger that reminded me it’s okay to feel what I feel… It’s okay to miss him and grieve for him…. However, after that, I need to move on and be strong…

And I’m pretty sure that is what Bruce would want, as well…

This is my story this week, but this is our community… a place to share our experiences. How about you? What are your triggers? How do you get past them? How do you handle them? Would you be willing to share your story or your thoughts… Who knows… your words may hold the answer for someone else. To share your story or thoughts, please go to the comments and leave a note, comment or question.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… From the Outside Looking In

I always write from the perspective of the person grieving, since that is where I am… That is what I know. This blog is simply meant to be a journal (of sorts) of what this journey has been like for me in the hopes that someone else can relate to it and know they aren’t alone. This week, though, I was reminded of what it was like before I was thrust onto this path… before I was the widow feeling lost in a world of grief… Back when I had no idea what grief was all about…

My first marriage lasted 20 years before I finally left. It was a hard decision, but the aggression and violence were only getting worse. We tried counseling for a while. He was diagnosed with several mental health issues for which there was help, but he refused… So, honestly, I gave up. I had to face reality and come to terms with the fact that I couldn’t take all of the responsibility to make that marriage work. For one reason or another, it still took several more years to get divorced. However, that isn’t what this story is about; it is just to give you a timeline.

Throughout this time, I had been a small-town, parochial schoolteacher. I loved my job – the kids, the families, and the staff. These people had become my family, and I loved them dearly. At one point early in our separation, one of the families in our school experienced a great loss. The family consisted of two sweet, wonderful, loving boys, Mom (who was pregnant), and Dad (who was a doctor). I don’t know their whole story, and it isn’t mine to tell.

All I can say with any certainty is that one day the mother started feeling ill, and before anyone could help, she died. It was sudden, and it was awful! The whole town was devastated. All of us did whatever we could to gather around this family in an effort to love and support them. As the school staff, we circled tight around those two young boys with more love than you could ever imagine.

Move forward a couple of years later, I was in the final months before my divorce would be complete. (We had been in the process for well over three years.) This Dad started calling “simply to talk.” It wasn’t just nice, it was easy conversation. After a few weeks, he asked me out, but my divorce wasn’t final. It was set for the following month, but not yet. So, I explained that I couldn’t and why. (Yes, I know there are a lot of people who won’t get that. I’m not judging anyone else or what they do… Just my own personal convictions.)

So, we made plans to go out one week after my divorce would be final. Things went fine… It was a little bit awkward, but that was no surprise to either of us. It was my first date in over 23 years, and he said it was his first date since his wife died.

I didn’t know enough then to understand what that really meant. At the time, I assumed it meant we were in similar situations… However, I couldn’t have been more wrong. Like most people who have never experienced the loss of a spouse, I had no idea what he was going through. To my mind, being divorced was a lot like being a widow, and I had no clue how wrong I was.

Let me start off by saying he was a nice guy. We tried dating for several months, and there were never any negative feelings between us. I have nothing but the greatest respect for him and his family… I just didn’t understand where he was coming from… and he couldn’t seem to explain it.

We had a good time when we were together, and we went out every few weeks. However, there were so many things in the relationship that I just couldn’t understand. For example, on our second date, we went to a popular restaurant in town. I remember sitting down, ordering drinks, and looking at the menus. Suddenly, he had this panicked look on his face. I asked what was wrong, and he just said we needed to leave. Next thing I knew, he put some money on the table for the drinks, took my hand, and led me out a side door. Once outside, he let go of my hand, made a few comments about seeing some of the people he and his late wife used to hang out with, and how he didn’t feel comfortable. After that night, most (not all) of our dates were either on his boat or out of town.

A few months later, he casually mentioned taking me to a BBQ at a friend’s house on the upcoming Saturday. Saturday came and went, but I never heard a thing. A few days later, he called and (just as casually) explained that he had been too busy helping with the BBQ to come get me.

Yes… I am well aware of how this all looks and sounds. As my friend told me at the time, “he’s just not that into you,” which was true… and that was okay… But there was more to it than that.

First, there were very few people who knew we were dating – one of my best friends (who knew everything that went on in our little town), my kids (who did all the babysitting), his housekeeper, and his kids (who were more than eager to talk about our relationship at school). In all honesty, the privacy issue wasn’t just on him… I was nervous about people finding out I was dating, too. I wasn’t interested in being the center of any small-town gossip, so I wasn’t making any big announcements about it either.

I probably should have had a clearer idea of where he was coming from, but I didn’t. After all, throughout his home were reminders of his late wife – not just pictures. I am referring to mementos – special reminders… The same type of things I have all over my own home to remind me of Bruce.

Plus, we had a lot of conversations about his late wife… There were times when he would try to tell me how it felt and how losing her had torn him apart… How his faith didn’t feel adequate anymore, but he still pushed forward because of his boys. I know he was trying to help me understand where he was coming from… But I just didn’t get it. Honestly, I don’t know that anyone can until they have been there.

Instead, from where I stood, it felt like he was embarrassed to be seen with me… Maybe I just wasn’t “good enough.” Of course, now I know that was my own insecurities speaking… My own issues stemming from an abusive marriage, which I had never opened up about to him.

So, why am I telling you all of this today? Because so many times since Bruce died, I have finally understood where this man was coming from…

Through the years, I have listened to people equate being divorced and being a widow(er) or tell me the I should “get back out there.” If you have read anything I wrote back then, you will know these things left me feeling incensed. How dare anyone tell me what I should and shouldn’t do? And no, being divorced is not the same as losing a spouse to death. (I was very angry back then.)

Now, though… Well… Now I feel differently. I guess, life has mellowed me a bit. Now a days, I know people mean well when they say I should date again. Will I? I don’t know… It’s really not a priority for me. I know better than to say “never,” but “not yet” is probably an accurate answer.

If I do, I imagine I will feel like my friend did years ago. I imagine it will be awkward and strange… And the last thing I will want is everyone else watching and giving me their opinions. Now, I totally understand why he behaved the way he did. He just couldn’t explain it in a way I could understand back then.

As far as equating being divorced with losing a spouse to death, I have been through both. Yes, there are some similarities… Both are hard, and both create a deep grief. However, there are also a lot of differences. For me, the biggest difference is in choices.

In a divorce, one person (or both) makes the choice to leave. However, when a spouse dies, there is rarely any choice in the matter. In my first marriage, my ex made his choices, and I had to make mine. When Bruce died, though, neither of us had any choice at all… In a moment, he was just gone.

In a divorce, at least one spouse (if not both) must come to terms with the idea that the other person didn’t (or couldn’t) love enough to make it work… That is a very hard reality. In fact, when I got divorced, that reality was a real struggle for me. For a long time, I was convinced there was no such thing as love… “happily ever after” was a myth.

On the other hand, when your spouse dies, the love is still there. It is not a switch that can simply be flipped off. That love you felt doesn’t just stop because that person is no longer by your side. If a child or a parent dies, no one expects you to stop loving them. So, why can’t the world understand that same idea when it comes to losing a spouse?

I’m not saying you can’t love again. Of course, you can. I have seen it happen many times and it makes me smile every time. I’m just saying it takes a very special person to understand that the love you had before will still continue. Then, somehow, the two of you will need to find a way to embrace all of that love to make it work.

I guess what I am trying to say is for those of you who have not lost a spouse, be patient with those of us who have. Ask questions if you need to, but listen more… We are trying to explain things in the only ways we are able at the time. Remember, this path is new for us too.

On the other hand, if you are a widow(er), be patient with those looking in. Keep in mind, they have no idea what this path is like. I truly believe they are trying… and I will bet you, they mean well.

One last thought… While I am pretty sure he will never see this, I want to say a special “thank you” to my friend from years ago. At the time, I felt like dating you was a “safe” way to re-enter the dating world. So, I not only thank you for that, but for so much more. You see, I had no idea at the time, but I was learning a lot from you… Things I wish I never needed, but I did. From you, I learned a lot about death and grief… about not giving up and surviving when you don’t think you can. I learned it was okay to question my faith and figure it out my way. And most importantly, I learned that wherever life takes me, it’s okay to take my time and do it my way.

This is my story this week, but this is our community… a place to share our experiences. How about you? Can you remember ever being on the outside looking in? Have you been able to remember what that was like as you ago through your current situation? How do you handle it? Would you be willing to share your story or your thoughts… Who knows… your words may hold the answer for someone else. To share your story or thoughts, please go to the comments and leave a note, comment or question.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… One More Would Not be Enough

Hi Babe,

Missing you… It seems like I say that a lot. It’s true, though. There are so many moments when I think, “Bruce would love this,” or happy times I would love to share with you. Then, there are those moments of sadness or self-doubt when I would give anything to feel your arms around me and hear you whisper, “It’s gonna be okay,” “We’ve got this,” or just simply “I love you.”

Oh… What I wouldn’t give to hear those words again. I would say, “… to hear them one more time,” but truthfully, one more time probably wouldn’t be enough. I really want to hear them over and over.

I remember when we were dating and trying to say our goodbyes at the end of another beautiful weekend together. You would always play Diamond Rio’s song, “One More Day.” As it played, you would hold me close, and we both cried… the thought of saying “Goodbye” for even two or three weeks felt like an eternity. (I wish that were all!) Even now, those lines still ring true for me:

“One more day, one more time,
One more sunset, maybe I’d be satisfied.
But then again,
I know what it would do,
Leave me wishing still for one more day with you.”

Boy, is that true! One more kiss… one more “I love you” … one more moment with you… None of it would be enough. It wasn’t enough back then, when we only had to say goodbye for a few weeks, and it wouldn’t be enough now when goodbye feels like forever. I love you so much, I think I will always just want more… And that’s where I am… constantly wishing you were here… for more.

“Grief had become her silent sidekick. She felt its shadow beside her all the time. She knew that if she turned toward that darkness just once, embraced it as she longed to, she’d be lost.”
~ Kristin Hannah, Winter Garden

I read that a few weeks ago, and thought, “Yep… that’s me too.” I guess this constant wishing for you, thinking of you, missing you – all of it… is still simply my grief. Grief has become my constant companion that I try to ignore, because giving into it, acknowledging it, gets me nowhere. It only leads to spiraling down into that dark space deep inside… that space I don’t dare go to, because it is too hard to crawl back out from.

So instead, I let those thoughts flow in and out of my mind without lingering on them. Some days, I actually push them out to avoid the thoughts and emotions that lay underneath them. I don’t dare dwell on it… or talk about it too often.

That probably sounds a little crazy, doesn’t it, Babe?

But I don’t think I’m alone in this. I think anyone who has loved as we loved, and then lost that person, knows exactly what I am talking about. I think there are a lot of us walking around. Each day, we are smiling at the world, trying to enjoy each moment, because we know how precious they are… We know the moment we are in is the only one we are promised, and we don’t want to waste it wishing for something that will never be.

We don’t want to give up… yet, somewhere deep inside there is still a love that will never be silenced… A love we cannot stop… A love that will go on and on, no matter how much time passes.

So call it grief or call it unending love… Whatever it is, I can’t seem to let go… Instead, I just have to remind myself that our time will come again… Because of my faith, I believe the time will come when we will have one day more…

I love you, Babe – Always and forever!

This is my story this week, but this is our community… a place to share our experiences. Do you ever wish for one more ______ with your loved one? How do you handle it? Or maybe you would like to share your story or your thoughts… There is no one right answer. Who knows… your words may hold the answer for someone else. To share your story or thoughts, please go to the comments and leave a note, comment or question.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

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Peace, Love and Grief… Feeling Lonely

I spent this week traveling to Denver, CO for work. It’s funny, I lived there for a (very) short while about 38 years ago, but I don’t remember that much about it. At that time, I was just pregnant with my oldest daughter. It was also my first time moving and living away from my family. All I can tell you about my time there (back then) is how lonely I felt…

My (then) husband was gone all day at school and studied at night. We only had one car, so I was left in our little one-bedroom apartment all day… alone. I don’t believe our apartment faced the mountains, because all I remember looking at was flat nothingness day after day. I do remember taking a few day trips on the weekends, but for the life of me, I couldn’t tell you where we went. In other words, some of my loneliness was due to circumstances, but I am just as sure that some of it was my own doing, as well.

Well, this week found me back in Denver again… And by the third night, I had that overwhelming feeling of loneliness once again…

The week started as I left the airport and drive my rental car to the hotel. The drive was beautiful, and I was absolutely entranced by the incredible majesty of the mountains to my right! I can’t remember ever seeing anything so amazing!! I couldn’t wait to get where I was going, so I could take a picture and share it with those I love back home.

As the week passed, I saw old friends and made new friends in our Colorado office. There was even a night when we all went out to dinner together and had a blast. However, most nights I ate alone.

Honestly, the first night or two that was fine – kind of nice actually. I tend to treasure my time alone, so one or two nights on my own felt it was “just what the doctor ordered.” However, as the week continued on, I began to get a little homesick, I guess… I missed those I love back home, and I missed their love for me… And I really missed Bruce.

It probably sounds silly, but one night, the loneliness was so overwhelming, I even cried myself to sleep… It has been years since I can remember feeling that lonely.

After Bruce died, my emotions were raw and all over the place. One of the emotions I remember experiencing the most was loneliness. It was hard coming to terms with the fact that he was no longer by my side… No longer was there someone who loved me the way he had – no one for me to love and no one to love me back… No one to fill my “love-tank,” which came as natural to him as breathing… No one to hold me when I cried, and no one to hug me when we had a big moment to celebrate. No longer was I the center of anyone’s world.

Yes, there were people who loved me – I never doubted that… But there is something about the love between two people who commit to always loving and prioritizing each other. For me, that was gone, and it felt too hard to accept.

Over time, I learned to move forward… To live life as it comes without getting too caught up in what was (still is) missing. True, I still have my moments of tears, but I try to save them for when I am alone. This is because I don’t want those around me to feel like I don’t appreciate them and all they add to my world.

This week, though, without those people nearby… and without Bruce, I somehow let myself spiral down into a sadness and loneliness that I couldn’t shake. Once again, it felt just as painful as it did years ago when Bruce left this world… left me.

It really took me by surprise. I didn’t expect to feel that pain so deeply again… and especially not in such a beautiful place! I don’t really know what triggered those emotions or why… I can only tell you what I felt.

Now I am home… I have hugged my family close and relished all weekend in the love we share. I still miss Bruce today, but that feeling of absolute loneliness is gone. (Thankfully!) And as I reflect on this past week, I am reminded…

Grief is not just a moment in time. It is a process. There are feelings and emotions that will always ebb and flow like the tide… And while most of the time, I can manage my grief and the loneliness it creates, I am still not immune to it, even all these years later…

This is my story, but this is our community… a place to share our experiences. Do you ever feel overwhelmed by the loneliness? How do you handle it? Or maybe you would like to share your story or your thoughts… There is no one right answer. Who knows… your words may hold the answer for someone else. To share your story or thoughts, please go to the comments and leave a note, comment or question.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Learning to Be Still

My heart struggles to reconcile itself with what my mind knows is real.
~ Linda, October 24, 2013

I have often said that grief is a maddening experience. It is. It is a time of struggle and emotional chaos as one tries to make sense of something that just doesn’t make sense. Everything I thought I knew was suddenly gone in a single moment. I have had to relearn how to live. In so many ways, that is maddening… and that is grief.

Over the years, I have learned firsthand that each person experiences grief differently. We each have to find our own way… in our own time… no two are alike. For me, my grief journey ran parallel to my spiritual journey. Then again, that sounds silly because it is all one life, so isn’t it all the same? It isn’t like I have been traveling two paths at once.

I learned rather quickly that I am on one path. It is called “life,” and it has included many lessons. I have learned that it is up to me to explore each one and to bring them all together in a way that makes sense for me. I can’t do it for anyone else… This is my life… this is my path. This is how I am learning and growing as I work to bring my heart and mind together to create a spirit of peace and love.

When Bruce first died, despite my anger and distrust toward God, a certain verse kept running through my mind. This verse never had any special significance for me in the past, so I have no logical way to explain why it was suddenly there in my thoughts all the time… I won’t even try. I simply believe I needed to hear those words in order to survive, and so God put them there. Just as he had sent Bruce into my life years before, he placed this verse back into my heart when I needed it most.

“Be still and know that I am God.”

Over and over, I wrote them in my journal. I mulled over them in the quiet moments. They were a constant in the back of my mind. And despite my anger, I couldn’t make them go away.

There was something there for me – I felt it. I was looking for comfort… something to bring peace to my soul. I came to believe that the secret was somewhere in these words. It was… but probably not in the way most people might think.

I don’t believe it was about church… or religion… or “do’s and don’ts.” It was so much deeper than any of that.

I grew up in the church, directed church choirs, taught Sunday School and even taught in a parochial school for years. God and religion had always a part of my life. However, even before Bruce passed away, I chose to walk away from organized religion. I needed to figure out what I believed… For my faith to be my own, I had to find my own spiritual path to God.

It was been a long road… Still is, actually. It’s probably no surprise, but Bruce’s death really tried my faith in so many ways that I almost walked away from my faith completely. (I was so angry for so long.) But Bruce’s life, his death and my struggle afterward have led me to a faith that I know without a doubt is completely mine. It is not based on what others tell me to think or do. It is not based on rules or someone else’s grand interpretation. It is much simpler than that. It is merely a philosophy and a way of living my life with God as my source of energy.

I know it may sound crazy. After all, how can spiritual matters be so simple? But I came to this realization after watching Bruce and reflecting on how he lived such a genuine life with no pretense… no games.

You would not find Bruce at church on a Sunday morning. Nope… On Sundays, you could find him sitting in his lounge chair with his coffee and his Sudoku watching Meet the Press. Yet, I have never known anyone to live a life more true to the principles of God – a life filled with acceptance and unconditional love for the world around him.

He was not a complicated man. He had a sweet, gentle spirit and a simple faith. I watched him place a cross in his pocket each morning and heard him pray every night before he fell asleep. Then… he simply lived what he believed – no sermons or lectures, no push for anyone to think his way. He just lived it. To him, it was that simple.

So, back to those words that kept going through my head, “Be still and know that I am God.” I can’t tell you how long I pondered those words – trying to figure out what I needed to get out of them. I was so angry after Bruce died, I couldn’t even pray. So you can bet, I didn’t want to be still, and I certainly didn’t want to “hear” anything from God. (Honestly, I wasn’t interested in anything he might have to say.)

Then, one day while reading one of Bruce’s books on philosophy and spiritualism, it hit me. This verse doesn’t say anything about God talking or about me listening. It simply says to be still. It was describing meditation – a practice of sitting quietly, breathing deeply and purposely not thinking… It is about clearing your mind; not filling it. It is an age old practice of simply being in that specific moment. Then letting your breath carry you to the next moment and then the next.

That was exactly what I needed… to slow down… to be still.

As I started a daily practice of meditation, my anxiety lessened and my peace grew. By learning to be still, both physically and mentally, I learned to reconnect to my God. However, this time it has been different… Now, it is a connection of spirit and peace. It is not about rules or being good enough… those are not concerns anywhere in my world. As Wayne Dyer says, it is about the fact that I am “a spiritual being having a physical experience; not a physical being having a spiritual experience.”

It took years, but through those quiet, still moments, I learned to let go of my anger. To my own surprise, I learned to trust God again. I believe that he is my Source, and this life as we see it, is not all there is. There is more… so much more.

Do I believe everyone thinks this way? Of course not.

Do I think they should? That’s not my call, and that is not what this is about… This is how I found peace again, but it is up to each person to find their own path to peace after such a painful loss. We must each choose for ourselves how we want to think and live.

I am only suggesting that if you are struggling with grief or loss, meditation may be a simple way to regain a part of your life. It has nothing to do with religion… These practices are a physical exercise like running or walking.

For me, meditation has been invaluable. It has helped me to regain peace, focus and composure, even on those “bad” days when the grief is more than I think I can bear. All I need to do is breathe… meditate… and just let go.

And because I have a God who wouldn’t give up on me, I have learned to be still and know…

Peace…

This is my story but this is our community… a place to share our experiences. Maybe you found your peace in another way. Or maybe you are still struggling to find some kind of peace and way forward. Or maybe you just want to share your story or your thoughts… There is no one right answer. Who knows… your words may hold the answer for someone else. To share your story or thoughts, please go to the comments and leave a note, comment or question.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Christmas Your Way

I’m unwrapping all these memories,
fighting back the tears.
It’s just a different kind of Christmas this year.
~ Mark Shultz

Today, I just want to share a little bit of what I have learned through the years. It is not a lecture, nor is it the only way to do any of this. It is merely, what I have found works for me. Perhaps, there is someone else out there trying to figure out this “holiday thing,” and if this can help even one person, then it is worth being said…

To start, let me say that the sentiment above seems true every year… Every year, I get a little better at participating in the season… And last year, I was finally able to actually start loving it again. Yet, I still have my moments of feeling overwhelmed with heartache, especially when something triggers a memory of Christmases past with Bruce… and all the love that filled the season when we were together.

As I have said before, that first year I couldn’t even manage to be anywhere near anything Christmas. I ran away, I guess you would say. I spent the week on a yacht in the Keys – ignoring the holiday… and the world.
The next year, I found myself spending the holiday in my and Bruce’s favorite vacation spot on the Alabama coast. I wasn’t alone. I had a few family members around me. I even managed to participate a little bit, but it was still a hard struggle. Thankfully, there was a beach, where I could go for long walks (and cry without bothering anyone else).

Each year since, has found me participating a little bit more. Even so, for many years it has been a lot of smiling on the outside and trying to enjoy all that is “Christmas,” while crying on the inside for all I am missing. Then last year, I finally reached the point of truly enjoying the holiday. I found myself smiling on the outside and the inside… Perhaps it was the fight to live last year, but 2018 definitely found me feeling hopeful once again… and that was where I found my Christmas spirit.

However, it hasn’t been an easy ride. Even now, I still have to keep my emotions in check. Otherwise, it would be very easy to fall back down that rabbit hole of sadness, where there seems to be no hope at all.

This is where it gets a little technical, I suppose. I tend to be a list person. In fact, when Bruce died, I spent a lot of time in the beginning researching how to deal with grief… How to get past it. What did I need to do to get past all the hurt in my heart? It seemed simple enough… I just needed a list of things to do, so I could feel better and move on.

I soon learned it wasn’t that simple though. Life rarely is…

However, through the years, I have learned to do a few things to make the holidays something I could survive, … and even now enjoy. And while things have been better these last two years, I still follow these tips… So, maybe, someone else can use a few of these this week, as well.

1. It’s okay to say no… Really… It is. This is still your life and doing Christmas without your loved one by your side is hard. You won’t be any good to anyone else if you don’t take care of you. So have a little bit of what I call, sacred selfishness, and only do the things you can. If you are feeling too sad to go to a party, even if it is the last moment, it is okay to not go. During this time, give yourself permission to say, “no.”

(Remember, that first year I said no to everything, and look where I am now.) Don’t feel guilty… Grief is real… Your pain is real. It’s not only okay to take care of yourself, it’s actually better for everyone in the long run. You can’t do or be everything for everyone else. Trust me… they will be okay.

2. It’s okay to change your mind or leave at the last minute. In fact, think ahead and have a “just in case” plan in mind… In other words, have an exit strategy planned, because you never know when a grief wave will hit. It is much better to have a plan in your pocket, then to run away blindly, creating drama in your wake. This season can be overwhelming, and it is easy to over-commit. Even that reasoning can be understood by others, if you aren’t comfortable talking about your sadness.

I can’t tell you how many times I have done exactly this… In the moment, I have accepted an invitation to something. However, when the time came to go, my head-space wasn’t there… I couldn’t do it. I knew it would not be good for anyone… So, I made my apologies and bowed out. Of course, this also means, not committing to hosting anything either. That is something I still don’t do… I still need to feel like I can leave or not go at all, if that is what I need to do.

3. It’s okay to feel what you feel… and try to surround yourself with people who support that, as well. In other words, if something makes you sad, let yourself cry. Or, if something makes you happy, don’t feel guilty for that. In fact, let yourself enjoy every little thing you possibly can… We all know the holidays can be especially hard, and joyful moments can be rare. Of course, the people around you can often make or break this one. There are those who will be supportive and there are those who will try to talk you out of your feelings. The thing is… You can never work through a feeling, if you aren’t allowed to feel it in the first place. So, be good to yourself, and seek out those people who will be understanding – allowing you to feel and work your way through your feelings.

I think that first year, I ran away because I didn’t trust myself with my feelings, much less anyone else. However, through time, I have learned just how blessed I actually am. I have many people, family and friends, who are quite supportive, especially during the holidays. I hear a lot of “Do you feel up to this? It’s okay if you don’t.” Or just lots of extra hugs and patience, as they let me work my way through this season and my own feelings. These are the people I keep close to my heart… These are the people I know I can count on no matter what I am feeling.

4. It’s okay to include your loved in new ways… There are many ways to honor your loved throughout the holidays. (This is one area you can research and find endless answers.) For me, this has been a great way to bridge my feelings with the holidays. For example, the first year I decided to decorate again, I opened the first box and found Bruce’s stocking right on top. At first, I struggled with what to do with it. I finally decided to hang it up, which I continue to do each year. Next to it, I place a small box of paper and a pen. Whenever anyone remembers a story about Bruce, we write it on the paper and place it in the stocking. Those papers are left in the stocking and each year it gets fatter and fatter. Now each year when I pull it out, it is a great reminder of all the precious moments and love Bruce shared with all of us.

I also include him in the meal with a short candle-lighting ceremony. I didn’t come up with it, and I can’t remember where I found it originally. However, here it is…

I set up his picture with six candles around it. Before we say our blessing, we light the candles and remember him. Just so you know, most of the time someone else does the reading, because this is where I tend to get choked up with emotion. (Remember – do what you can, feel what you feel, and have supportive people around you.)

“Today, we light six candles in honor of you:
1. This candle represents our grief. The pain of losing you is intense. It is a reminder of the depth of our love for you.
2. This candle represents our courage – to confront our sorrow, to comfort each other, and to change our lives.
3. This candle is in your memory – the times we laughed, the times we cried, the times we were angry with each other, the silly things you did, and the caring and joy you gave us.
4. This candle is the light of love. Day by day, we cherish the special place in our hearts that will always be reserved for you. Thank you for the gift your life brought to each of us.
5. This candle is the light of hope. It reminds us of love and memories of you that are ours forever.
6. This candle is the light of eternity – for the day when we will see you again in all God’s glory. We will be together again. We will have healthy, whole bodies and can explore the wonders of heaven together.
May the light of the Lord be our source of hopefulness now and forever. Amen.”

When Bruce died, I felt lost… abandoned… completely hopeless. I didn’t really care what the next day held, because no matter what a day might hold, it would be without Bruce. The holidays made that especially hard. But as time has passed, I have learned to feel hope again… I have learned to appreciate the brevity of life and the preciousness of each moment we have together. That is what makes the holidays hard at times… There is the struggle between missing what was and appreciating what is.

Today I have shared what I have learned so far on this journey… That doesn’t make me an expert. Shoot, in a few more years, I hope I will have learned a little more. So, if you are reading this, and you are new to loss, or still trying to figure out how to move forward without your loved one, please know that you are in my prayers. And my prayer for you is that you can find that hope again… The hope that life is worth our time and our curiosity. The hope that each day will hold something so precious in store that we wouldn’t want to miss it.

So, on this Sunday before Christmas, I pray that you will have a Christmas season filled with joy and laughter… and especially hope. Because those are the things that make life all it is meant to be.

There are no rules for surviving holiday grief.
Do what you need to survive.
Honor your loved one how you need to,
And do what feels best for your fragile, aching heart.
You are missing a huge piece of you.
So do whatever you need to do to find a sliver of peace.
~ Angela Miller

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sf6_JBLTNAM

What about you? Does any of this strike a chord with you? How does this season effect you? Are you able to celebrate? Or are you still struggling just to hang on and get to the other side of this season? Maybe you have found a different way to cope… There is no one right answer. Who knows… you may hold the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Learning to Love the Holidays

If there were something that I believe many of us dealing with loss have in common this time of year, it would be the struggle as we learn to love the holidays again. Of course, that makes the assumption that we loved the holidays before we started on this journey. If not, then I guess that holidays hold other challenges. For me, though, I loved the holidays before… Now, it is a constant struggle… learning to love them again.

Each year, I feel like I do a little bit better. While there are challenges and even days when I seem to back track, most days I am moving forward… even if it is just a little bit. The first few years were the worst! In fact, the first year I ignored the holidays all together… I just couldn’t do it. The next year, I managed to participate a little bit… Then, each year has found me doing just a little bit more.

In fact, sometimes it is hard to remember the pain I felt that first year… sometimes. However, last week at our office holiday party, I was reminded just how hard that first year is…

For me, I was looking forward to this year’s party. First of all, I love the people I work with… They are like family to me. They have been by my side since Bruce died and have seen me through many tough days. To that, add the fact that two of my adult children work in the same office with me, and you can see I have a grand mix of work family and real family. The idea that we were all going to be at this party together was something I was looking so forward to…

However, that would not have been the case a few short years ago, and I was reminded of that fact almost immediately. As we walked in, there was food and drinks, friends and hugs, music and laughter… lots and lots of laughter. As I sat and talked, I looked around the room people watching – enjoying the atmosphere and the spirit of fun and friendships.

Then, I saw someone whom I really never expected to be there. It was one of our managers… One of the kindest men I know. Earlier this year (not so long ago really), he lost his wife. It’s his story to tell – not mine – but it was a shock to all of us. Knowing how I felt that first year and remembering how I avoided absolutely everything that had to do with the holidays, I really didn’t expect to see him there… But he was.

As he smiled and greeted each person, the pain in his eyes was heartbreaking… Honestly, I don’t know that many people would have noticed, but coming from a similar scenario of loss, my heart broke. Yet, I knew why he was there… It was for his employees – not himself. Something most of us can relate to, I am sure.

How many times have you done something or gone somewhere because it meant a lot to the people around you, not because it was anything you really wanted to do? Many times, I would guess… We all have.

In fact, it is that very behavior that has slowly (over time) helped me to learn to love the holidays again…

That first year, I ran away. The next year, I went to my daughter’s home, but I didn’t really participate. The next year, I remember actually singing Christmas carols once again. Each year, I have pushed myself to do a little bit more – to participate a little bit more – not because I necessarily wanted to, but because I knew how much it meant to the people around me.

Then, over time… a lot of time, I can honestly say that I am finally learning to truly love the holidays again. Last year and this year, I have loved the holidays – something I never thought I would do again.

Maybe you are where I am. Maybe you are even further down that path. However, if you are new to this journey or still struggling with the holidays, that’s okay. Be kind to yourself… I can honestly tell you that you should only do what you feel like you can handle – no more… and don’t feel guilty about it. This is a hard time of year. So, take it one day at a time, and know that it’s absolutely okay to take care of yourself.

What about you? Does any of this strike a chord with you? How do you handle the holidays? Do you find yourself doing those things you want to do or what others expect? Do you struggle to take of your own needs? Maybe you have found a different way to cope… There is no one right answer. Who knows… you may hold the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Makin’ It Through the Holidays

“I miss you” … I think this has been my mantra for the past couple of weeks. Don’t misunderstand – I have smiled and laughed. I have enjoyed my time with my kids. I have loved cooking and decorating and shopping and playing Christmas music… I have loved all of it… But… I miss him…

With every dish I cook, I think about whether or not it was one he liked, and how many times we debated whether or not the sweet potato casserole with brown sugar and pecans on top counted as a vegetable (me) or a dessert (him). We never agreed but laughed every time!

With every ornament, I am reminded of our first Christmas together when he pulled out his one box of decorations… and I pulled out 18 boxes. Our tiny little condo was over-stuffed with Christmas. I thought he wouldn’t like it, but instead he grinned from ear to ear and said it truly felt like Christmas for the first time in a very long time.

With every shopping trip, I find myself looking for him and thinking about the gifts we gave each other over the years. There were years when we gave each other “traveling adventures” to new places… And other years when we were content to just have the gift of being together.

And… With every Christmas song played… I either laugh and sing because he loved the music as much as I did (or he pretended to) … or I cry, because each song seems to remind me of him and of some precious memory together.

And to be honest… all of this reminds me that another year has passed… He is still gone… And once again, I am spending another Christmas without him…

So, what do I do? … Well, for the last few days, I have cried… a lot. I seem to wake up crying. Then, I cry in the shower. I cry as I drive to and from work. And I cry when I crawl into bed at night.

I know it seems ridiculous… Emotionally, I have really come so far (or so I thought). But everywhere I look, I see and experience things that I want to share with Bruce… But he isn’t here… And so, I am reminded over and over again that he is gone… and I am alone.

To add to all this, there have been several conversations around me lately that have caught me a little off guard. There was one conversation amongst my friends, where they were discussing what they would do if their spouse died. Would they remarry? Would they date? How would they live their lives? Each of them with a firm opinion.

Now, first of all, this conversation was not about me in any way. It started as a conversation about someone else’s loss. But they went on and on for (what felt like) quite a while, talking about what they would do… or not do. I listened but didn’t add anything.

What could I say? None of them knew me when I was married to Bruce so many years ago, and they were completely oblivious to the fact that I had (and was still) dealing with this exact scenario.

Truthfully, I wasn’t offended, and I did contemplate saying something… I wanted to tell them that no one has any idea how they will respond to the loss of a spouse until it actually happens to them. However, I didn’t… for a few reasons.

First, it would have fallen on deaf ears. After all, most of us are pretty sure we know how we would respond to someone else’s circumstances. It is normal, and as many times as we learn the lesson that this is wrong, we all still seem to do it.

Second, it would have created a very awkward, sudden stop to the conversation. I experienced a lot of this during the first few years after Bruce died. I couldn’t seem to control my mouth and would throw my two cents worth into these conversations. I’ll just say that I found it does some damage… It creates a wall, and just isn’t worth it, not in my book anyway….

And finally… Who am I to judge or correct? After all, before Bruce died, I thought many of the same things they were saying.

So, I sat and half-listened… I felt a little bit rude, but I couldn’t fully engage, because I was struggling to control my emotions… They wanted to say what they thought, and I needed to control what I knew.

There have been several of these types of conversations lately, and I could go on and on explaining each one. But why? They all carry a similar theme – people contemplating how they would live their life as a widow(er) – a topic which they really know nothing about… So, what do I do?

Well there are two sides to this… One is the quick – let it go… Which I have learned to do a lot of over the years. After all, contemplating what you would do in a situation you have never encountered is just human nature. What do I know? I only know what I have done, not what anyone else might do.

“Learn to be okay with people not knowing your side of the story.
You have nothing to prove to anyone.”
~ Unknown

And the other part of the answer came this week in the form of a 10-year-old boy – my grandson…

As we were driving home earlier this week, he was telling me about his day at school and all the 4th grade “news of the day.” At one point, it dawned on me… He had originally said it was a great day, but in his tales, he was really focusing on a lot of negatives.

At one point, he even said, “Do you know what really bugs me? It’s when someone…” And he went on in great detail about what bugs him.

“Did that happen to you today?” I asked. “Did someone do that to you?”

“No,” he said, “but I hate it when it does happen.”

“Well, baby,” I said, “It sounds like you are looking for things to be upset about. Everything you have shared is negative… It sounds like you are focusing on the wrong things.”

Then it dawned on me… So am I… For the past few weeks, consciously or not, I have been focusing on all sad things – all the things I am doing without Bruce.

Last year, I was so happy to be alive… I missed Bruce, but I was so happy to be with my family and to be healthy again, that was my focus. But this year I have somehow fallen into the old trap of focusing on what is missing and what was… not on all the blessing and what is. While I would like to deny it, I have looked for things to be offended about in conversations, rather than chalking it up to human nature and not knowing any better… and then letting it go.

Now what? well… I am resolved to take my own advice. My goal is to look for the blessings and to see the joy in each day… Yes, Bruce is gone, and it’s okay to grieve that. But I am still here… surrounded by family and friends who love me… Maybe it’s a good thing that they just see me as me (not as the perpetual widow), and they love me and support me just for being me…
I am blessed beyond words, and this is a season of joy… and that is to be my focus going forward this season.

What about you? Does any of this strike a chord with you? How do you handle the holidays? Do you find memories around every corner? Do you struggle to focus on the positives around you, too? Maybe you have found a different way to cope… There is no one right answer. Who knows… you may hold the answer for someone else.

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