grief – Page 23 – Peace, Love & Grief

Peace, Love and Grief… Walking Through the Valley

The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures,
He leads me beside the still waters,
He restores my soul.
He leads me in the path of righteousness for His name’s sake.
Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for He is with me; His rod and His staff, they comfort me.
He prepares a table before me in the presence of my enemies; He anoints my head with oil; my cup runs over.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.
~ Psalm 23

I wrote about this verse a couple of years ago. I wrote about how I had memorized it way back in third grade. It’s funny but to my little 8-year-old head, I pictured all these things as concrete actions… like something in a fairy tale – as if all those things would really happen if God was to give me any comfort.

At the time, our teacher, Mrs. Ezell, kept telling us the importance of memorizing scripture. “There may come a day when you do not have a Bible readily available. You never know what you will have to go through as you get older. Having these verses in your mind will allow you to recall them as you need them.” Boy! She was spot on!

So many times in my adult life, I have clung to this passage and the promises it holds for dear life. Promises of a God who loves me enough to provide and care for me even when I can’t (or won’t) do it for myself. Promises of a love so deep and so complete, that I know where to find refuge in times of stress and anxiety.

For example, after 20 years, when I finally made the decision to leave the chaos and violence of my first marriage, this verse became my lifeline. For three years, my kids and I endured threats, games and nonsense from my ex-husband until our divorce was final. Even though we had already endured years of this, the time between leaving and the divorce felt like one attack after another without any time to breathe. This created high anxiety and required constant vigilance on all our parts.

However, most nights, as I crawled into bed, I found myself calling on the promises in this verse… And each time, my anxiety level went down. Knowing God loved us all and had my back made all the difference in the world. Was it still hard? Of course! Were we still vigilant? Definitely! It was the worry and anxiety that was relieved… And that gave us back the ability to think clearly as we moved on with our lives.

Fast forward several years to Bruce’s death… This event caught me completely unaware and by surprise. I would never in a million years have guessed this man (who was such a health fanatic) would die so early. I was in complete shock, and the pain literally took my breath away. The world continued to move around me, but I functioned as in a dream. I was going through the motions but with no context or understanding… I couldn’t think at all.

Even this passage which had carried me through so many traumatic events before did not come to my mind for a very long time. In fact, when people suggested I read the Psalms for comfort, I would flip through the pages, but I found nothing there.

I was too lost in my loneliness to find comfort anywhere… I was so angry with God in the beginning… How could I trust Him? How could I believe He had my best interest at heart? Simply put – I didn’t.

It was at least a year, before I could start to open my heart up again to anything spiritual. It started off slow… small steps. It started with music, then small snippets of verses. Over time, I found myself crawling out of the darkness on my hands and knees, and looking for the God who said he loved me… The God who said he would never abandon me…

Then, this verse came back to my mind, and once again, it became my mantra. I was definitely passing through “the valley of the shadow of death,” but learning to “fear no evil” was still a bit hard. Instead, I had to focus on “lying beside still waters,” as I waited for God to “restore my soul.”

It has taken a long time, and I still have days where I struggle. (Don’t we all?) But in my heart, I have come to trust that God is beside me – still loving me and caring for me… Because when I am grieving, I can not do these things for myself… It is too hard. I know I can’t do it alone, but I can do it with God. I don’t believe that means I can’t cry or feel sad. For me, it means God is there beside me… I simply have to make the choice to look for him.

Look up, my child.
I am here…
Don’t look down,
I am not there.
Keep your eyes on me.
Don’t let the clouds block your view.
Look beyond them…
The blue sky is always there,
Even behind the clouds.
Stop focusing on the clouds.
Focus on the sky…
Focus on Me.
Keep Me in your view.
I am here guiding you…
Loving you… always.
~ Linda, September 2015

They say there are certain lessons in life we must learn. If we don’t learn from them the first time, we are destined to go through similar circumstances over and over until we do. For me, I have come to believe that lesson is learning to trust God. That is a hard one for me. I know he has been by my side and seen me through every time.

Yet, there are still times when I struggle. These past couple of weeks with this pandemic has been crazy… Trying to find the balance between being prepared for whatever may come and not panicking or over-doing is hard. Trying to work from home while teaching and entertaining a ten year old boy definitely has its challenges. I would give anything for Bruce’s quiet confidence in all this – to feel his arms around me at night when the darkness brings its own questions and anxieties.

This morning as I started thinking about what to write today, I found myself sinking lower and lower… The grief mixed with all that is unknown right now, started to get to me. In fact, I almost decided not to write at all today (a first) because I didn’t want to think about Bruce. I didn’t want to be reminded of his absence on top of everything else we are dealing with.

Then a couple of things dawned on me… I have been doing exactly what I did when Bruce died – staying busy. So busy, in fact, that I go from the minute I wake up until I fall into my bed at night – to exhausted to move. All of this in an effort to not think about dealing with all of this (without him).

The other thing I remembered was this verse. Suddenly, I couldn’t get it out of my head…

“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for He is with me; His rod and His staff, they comfort me. He prepares a table before me in the presence of my enemies.”

Honestly, we are all walking through the valley right now. What we need to do is breath… and trust. Does that mean everything will be over just like that? That no one who is praying or believes will get sick? No, God doesno’t make that promise… He just promises to be with us… Walking beside us and feeding our souls.

So, for now, my prayer will be, “God you know what this is… It is in your hands… We are walking in the valley and I am calling on you for comfort. Please show me, my trust in you is good and right… I know this is my lesson… I know this is my struggle… Help me to trust you… Help me to ‘lie down in green pastures’ and ‘beside still waters’… And, please, restore my soul.”

Everyone deals with loss, grief and life in their own way. We all find answers and comfort in various sources. That is what makes us all unique and different. Admittedly, I usually steer away from religion when I write. I don’t want anyone to think I am trying to preach… That is not my goal here. My only goal today has been to share a poem which has helped me on numerous occasions. It is a source of strength for me.

Do you have something that provides that sense of calmness in the storm? If so, would you share it with us? There may be someone out there who needs to hear exactly what you have to say…

If you are struggling with grief, loss, loneliness, please know you are not alone – We are here. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. * Who knows… your story may the answer for someone else.

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Peace, Love and Grief… Blessed are Those Who Mourn

So many times since Bruce’s death, I have heard, read or been reminded of the verse from Matthew 5, “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.” For some reason, there are a lot of people that think that verse should be my “key” to getting over my grief. Yet, for the longest time, every time I encountered it, my inner response was always, “Uh-huh! Right… Whatever.”

Why? Because that verse in and of itself is not comforting. It is about comfort. It is a promise of comfort… But by itself, it is not comforting.

Every time I heard it, all I could think about was how I was not feeling any comfort at all. Instead, that verse felt cold and sterile – like I was supposed to automatically feel better just because of a few words. The thing is those words don’t convey any understanding of what I was feeling. There might be a strand of compassion in them, but I definitely didn’t feel any empathy for where I was emotionally. Instead, it felt a bit dismissive.

For years, though, I have had a gut feeling that there was more to that verse. That somehow, we have been shorted on this one, and this verse is just a condensed version of what Jesus actually said. After all, if there were hundreds of people listening, surely, he spoke long enough to make it worth their while to be there. However, I honestly believe there was more to it even than that… I believe he must have spoken in such a way that the people felt understood… That his words made a difference and moved them somehow.

Then a few years ago, someone sent me a link for a blog called, “The Sarcastic Lutheran,” written by Nadia Bolz-Weber. (I love her stuff, by the way!) In it, she added all the parts that were missing for me. In just a few short sentences, she brought this verse to life for me… When I read it, I felt understood…

“Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. Blessed are they for whom death is not an abstraction. Blessed are they who have buried their loved ones, for whom tears are as real as an ocean. Blessed are they who have loved enough to know what loss feels like. Blessed are the mothers of the miscarried. Blessed are they who don’t have the luxury of taking things for granted any more. Blessed are they who can’t fall apart because they have to keep it together for everyone else. Blessed are the motherless, the alone, the ones from whom so much has been taken. Blessed are those who “still aren’t over it yet” Blessed are they who laughed again when for so long they thought they never would. Blessed are Bo’s wife and kids and Billy’s mom and Amy Mac’s friends. Blessed are those who mourn. You are of heaven and Jesus blesses you.”
~ Nadia Bolz-Weber, ”Some Modern Beatitudes—A Sermon for All Saints Sunday” November 6, 2014, from her blog Sarcastic Lutheran.

That one paragraph still makes me smile… It still leaves me feeling comforted every single time I read it. I love it, because when you are grieving there are so many facets to the journey… And there are so many ways to experience the journey. This paragraph gave me the freedom to feel whatever I felt when I felt it, while at the same time, reminding me I wasn’t alone… I am “of heaven and Jesus blesses .” He understands the magnitude of everything I am feeling… and doesn’t judge me for it or tell me to “get over it.” He just comes beside me, takes me in his arms and holds me… through each moment and each emotion. When I feel broken and alone or guilty for having fun, he is right there, holding me up.

I have never met Nadia Bolz-Weber, nor am I likely to. Yet, because of her, I learned just how precious this short, simple verse can be when presented in the light of complete understanding – with more compassion and empathy than I would have ever believed. Because of her, my attitude about my own journey took a turn for the better, as I realized I just needed to be patient with myself. This is my journey – no one else can do it for me, nor are they likely to completely understand me on each and every step… And that’s okay too.

So now, whenever I hear the “Reader’s Digest” version of that verse, I can smile, because I know there is more to it… There is a blessing there, and while it is one I would rather never need, I can take comfort in knowing I am loved and understood… And that really is the blessing!

This is my story this week, but this is our community… a place to share our experiences. How about you? Was there something that you have read or heard that had a positive impact on your journey? Would you be willing to share it with the rest of us? Or maybe you would be willing to share your story or your thoughts… Who knows… your words may hold the answer for someone else. To share your story or thoughts, please go to the comments and leave a note, comment or question.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love and Grief… To Those Who are Gone

While I have my artsy, creative side and my messy spaces, for the most part, I like order. Yes, I like “stuff,” but there is an order to the stuff. Each item has an order and belongs in a certain place (and in a certain way). I am also a “list person.” It brings me great satisfaction to check the items off as each one is completed. For example, the paper towels need to sit a certain way on the holder, and the toilet paper needs to roll from the top. Even my clothes in the closet are arranged by clothing type and color. Shoot, even the little men on the Foosball table need to be lined up just right.

I know it sounds a bit crazy, and Bruce used to laugh at my “nerdiness,” but it’s just me. Honestly though, I won’t say anything to anyone if they do it different, (I don’t expect or want everyone to be like me). It’s just when I notice something “out of place” in my own home, I’ll put it back the way I like it. I don’t know why… It’s just the way I am built.

All of this, I know, is really a control thing. Maybe it comes from raising four children pretty much by myself. Or maybe it is a by-product of many theater productions with over 200 children on stage. Or maybe it is the result of a chaotic first marriage where so much was out of control. Who knows? It just is what it is.

Bruce used to laugh. Sure, even he was particular about some things… But, for the most part, he was fine with “whatever,” or at least that was how it appeared to me. He was always telling me that “the river doesn’t try to move the rocks. Instead, it flows around them with no effort.”

I would laugh. Those were nice thoughts, but that was him – not me. Honestly, I just let it go in one ear and out the other… That is, until he was gone.

The day he died was awful! My world came crashing down around me in just a few moments. My world went from love and laughter and dreams to being alone and feeling completely abandoned. I had no control on what had just happened or what might happen next… Everything was spinning out of my grasp, and there was nothing I could do to stop it.

I’m sure you can guess one of the first things I did… Yep, I did some research and made a list – a list of all the things that would “help me get through this grief.” In my naivete, I honestly thought I could go through this list, complete each item, and things would be better… I would feel better. I wouldn’t feel this awful grief anymore.

I should have known better, but I didn’t. Everything I knew about loss and death was more from Hollywood than real life… But I learned quite quickly that none of it was true. There was no checklist on earth – no list of things I could do – that could heal the hole left in my soul. Even time on its own couldn’t healed this empty space in my heart.

But over time, I have learned some things…

After Bruce died, I started reading the books he read, and listening to the speakers he listened to. (In fact, I still do.) At the time, I was trying to know him better… I was trying to understand the man he was and how he thought.

A funny thing happened, though. I started paying attention, and for the first time, I actually wanted to learn “how to flow around the rocks.” At first it seemed impossible. It was all so foreign to me.

I kept thinking I needed Bruce’s help. I didn’t think I could figure this out on my own. When he was here, he understood me and how I thought. He knew how to help me relax a little bit and just “enjoy the ride.” But trying to do that alone… without him… Well, that just seemed like a daunting task.

However, as time went on, I did find myself changing… When I looked back, bit by bit, I could see small changes. You see, every time I read one of those books or listened to one of those speakers; I learned something new. Each time, I found myself making a small change here or there… Each time I got a little better at letting another thing go and living in the moment… In other words, I was learning “how to flow around the rocks” and “enjoy the ride” once again.

It has been a long, slow road, but I am moving forward. Then, this week in my reading, I came across this…

“… A family wasn’t a static thing. There were always changes going on, like with continents, sometimes the changes were invisible and underground, and sometimes they were explosive and deadly. The trick was to keep your balance. You couldn’t control the direction of your family any more than you could stop the continental shelf from breaking apart. All you could do was hold on for the ride.” ~ Kristin Hannah, Winter Garden

Boy! This spoke volumes to me… When Bruce was alive, I didn’t want our time together to ever end. In fact, I couldn’t even imagine it. So, when it did happen, I was shocked… I couldn’t even breathe. I wanted so badly for things to go back to the way they had been… To wake up and find this was all just a bad dream… But that didn’t happen.

Through the years that followed, I have tried so hard to stay in control of my world… To never let it fall apart like that again… To minimize my risk of ever hurting like that again… To keep my family close and love them enough… Because then, maybe, I won’t lose them too. Of course, these ate all things I can’t control… All things I need to let go…

So here I sit, trying to figure out where to go from here. I think this is simply another step in my journey… Another moment of growth for me. Honestly, I don’t know what it will mean. I doubt there will be any drastic changes, because each lesson has been baby steps so far.

Yet, I believe, it will mean opening up a little bit more to life and what it offers… Being thankful for those who fill my world and enjoying every moment with them.

I am so thankful for all Bruce has taught me from our time back then, up to now, and even into tomorrow… I am so thankful that because of his legacy, I haven’t just given up. Instead, I want to honor him and all those I love (here and gone) by remembering to love this life and all who have crossed my path…

“To those who are here, those who are gone, and those who are lost.” ~ Kristin Hannah, Winter Garden

This is my story this week, but this is our community… a place to share our experiences. How about you? How are you moving forward? Where are your struggles and your successes? Would you be willing to share your story or your thoughts… Who knows… your words may hold the answer for someone else. To share your story or thoughts, please go to the comments and leave a note, comment or question.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love and Grief… Triggers

Isn’t it funny how there are some things that just trigger those feelings of grief? Do you know what I am talking about?… Those feelings of “Oh my gosh, I really miss you today.” It’s strange, I know… For goodness sake, it’s been years! How in the world do those overwhelming feelings still manage to take over every rational thought in my head? I wish I had an answer, but I don’t know… They just do.

I know those triggers aren’t the same for all of us… Shoot, even for me, those triggers can change from time to time.

Sometimes it is a song on the radio… There are mornings when I turn on the radio and “our” song is playing. Three or four notes into the intro can find me blubbering like a baby. It makes me crazy… I love to hear it – that song holds so many precious memories within those few minutes. Yet, almost every time it comes on, I cry, because for a few moments I am thrown back to a time when Bruce and I were inseparable. Then, just as suddenly, I am back to reality… a life without the man I love.

Other times, the trigger can be a simple comment made by someone else. Usually it is someone who didn’t know me back then… Someone who doesn’t connect my life now to someone who watched her husband die in her arms. So, a comment gets made about what they would or wouldn’t do if they lost their spouse, or a judgement is made about someone who is currently grieving a loss.

I know they have no idea what they are talking about… I know they are speaking from a place of un-knowing. They have no idea what that kind of loss is like or how they will respond… So, while on the inside I want to scream and tell them what they don’t know – what they can’t know – and how lucky they are not to know… But I don’t… Instead, I just bite my tongue – saying nothing, or if the tears do fill my eyes, I turn away and busy myself with something outside the conversation. I learned long ago, there are some things in life that can’t be understood until you are smack dab in the middle of it, so there is really no point in trying to explain.

Another one that can take my breath away, is when I see someone who from the back looks so much like Bruce. Maybe it is their build, or the way they move, but there is something that catches my eye and for a moment my heart soars. Or… when I am driving down the road and either spot a car just like his or a truck like the one he used to drive. While logically I know it isn’t him – it can’t be… Yet, I still do a double take every time. Hoping against hope to see that grin and tell-tell baseball cap. What if it is him? What if this really is all just a bad dream, and I am finally waking up? But of course, it isn’t him… it never is. It is only a reminder of him… A reminder that he was here, but no more… And the disappointment that follows is always a struggle.

This week, the trigger was one that comes from within… It wasn’t a song or a conversation or a someone’s similarities or a car… Nope, it was all internal… It was all me… and these are usually the ones that hurt the worse. It is something so silly, I am almost too embarrassed to even say it… But I managed to get my feelings hurt. (Sounds five years old, doesn’t it?) But it is what happened, and I am talking about it because I know we all get our feelings hurt sometimes.

The thing is when Bruce was alive and someone hurt my feelings, I knew he was going to be there for me to lean on. All I had to do was look at him, and he knew. Then, without a moment’s hesitation, he would gather me in his arms and hold me. He would stroke my hair and tell me it was all going to be okay. And the funny thing was, he had a way of always making me feel like it really was going to be okay… It was us (together) against anything that might try to hurt us. I never felt like I was on my own. I always knew without a doubt that he had my back… and his arms were a safe place to land… always… every time… But not anymore.

Instead, when my world turned dark this week, I was left feeling so absolutely alone. More than anything, I needed to feel his arms around me… I needed to hear him whisper that we were in this together, and it was all going to be okay. I needed him… But he was (and is) the one thing I couldn’t have. So… I cried… I cried because I was hurt and the situation is one where I just have to let it go… I can’t say anything or do anything to make it better… And I was hurting because the one person I needed in this moment, can’t be here… Instead, I am alone.

Yes, I have friends and people who care… and I am eternally greatly for each and every one. However, there are some spaces that only Bruce can fill… But that isn’t to be. So instead, I let myself cry… Then I took a breath (and a glass of wine) and pushed forward… If there is one thing I have learned, it is the fact that wallowing in that sadness will not help… Instead, I need to let it go… I also need to remember that I shouldn’t take things personally. When someone is being hurtful, it is really about them – not me… (Bruce used to remind me of that all the time.)

Today, I am fine… Actually, I was fine by the next morning. It was just another hard moment in time that has passed. It was just another trigger that reminded me it’s okay to feel what I feel… It’s okay to miss him and grieve for him…. However, after that, I need to move on and be strong…

And I’m pretty sure that is what Bruce would want, as well…

This is my story this week, but this is our community… a place to share our experiences. How about you? What are your triggers? How do you get past them? How do you handle them? Would you be willing to share your story or your thoughts… Who knows… your words may hold the answer for someone else. To share your story or thoughts, please go to the comments and leave a note, comment or question.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love and Grief… From the Outside Looking In

I always write from the perspective of the person grieving, since that is where I am… That is what I know. This blog is simply meant to be a journal (of sorts) of what this journey has been like for me in the hopes that someone else can relate to it and know they aren’t alone. This week, though, I was reminded of what it was like before I was thrust onto this path… before I was the widow feeling lost in a world of grief… Back when I had no idea what grief was all about…

My first marriage lasted 20 years before I finally left. It was a hard decision, but the aggression and violence were only getting worse. We tried counseling for a while. He was diagnosed with several mental health issues for which there was help, but he refused… So, honestly, I gave up. I had to face reality and come to terms with the fact that I couldn’t take all of the responsibility to make that marriage work. For one reason or another, it still took several more years to get divorced. However, that isn’t what this story is about; it is just to give you a timeline.

Throughout this time, I had been a small-town, parochial schoolteacher. I loved my job – the kids, the families, and the staff. These people had become my family, and I loved them dearly. At one point early in our separation, one of the families in our school experienced a great loss. The family consisted of two sweet, wonderful, loving boys, Mom (who was pregnant), and Dad (who was a doctor). I don’t know their whole story, and it isn’t mine to tell.

All I can say with any certainty is that one day the mother started feeling ill, and before anyone could help, she died. It was sudden, and it was awful! The whole town was devastated. All of us did whatever we could to gather around this family in an effort to love and support them. As the school staff, we circled tight around those two young boys with more love than you could ever imagine.

Move forward a couple of years later, I was in the final months before my divorce would be complete. (We had been in the process for well over three years.) This Dad started calling “simply to talk.” It wasn’t just nice, it was easy conversation. After a few weeks, he asked me out, but my divorce wasn’t final. It was set for the following month, but not yet. So, I explained that I couldn’t and why. (Yes, I know there are a lot of people who won’t get that. I’m not judging anyone else or what they do… Just my own personal convictions.)

So, we made plans to go out one week after my divorce would be final. Things went fine… It was a little bit awkward, but that was no surprise to either of us. It was my first date in over 23 years, and he said it was his first date since his wife died.

I didn’t know enough then to understand what that really meant. At the time, I assumed it meant we were in similar situations… However, I couldn’t have been more wrong. Like most people who have never experienced the loss of a spouse, I had no idea what he was going through. To my mind, being divorced was a lot like being a widow, and I had no clue how wrong I was.

Let me start off by saying he was a nice guy. We tried dating for several months, and there were never any negative feelings between us. I have nothing but the greatest respect for him and his family… I just didn’t understand where he was coming from… and he couldn’t seem to explain it.

We had a good time when we were together, and we went out every few weeks. However, there were so many things in the relationship that I just couldn’t understand. For example, on our second date, we went to a popular restaurant in town. I remember sitting down, ordering drinks, and looking at the menus. Suddenly, he had this panicked look on his face. I asked what was wrong, and he just said we needed to leave. Next thing I knew, he put some money on the table for the drinks, took my hand, and led me out a side door. Once outside, he let go of my hand, made a few comments about seeing some of the people he and his late wife used to hang out with, and how he didn’t feel comfortable. After that night, most (not all) of our dates were either on his boat or out of town.

A few months later, he casually mentioned taking me to a BBQ at a friend’s house on the upcoming Saturday. Saturday came and went, but I never heard a thing. A few days later, he called and (just as casually) explained that he had been too busy helping with the BBQ to come get me.

Yes… I am well aware of how this all looks and sounds. As my friend told me at the time, “he’s just not that into you,” which was true… and that was okay… But there was more to it than that.

First, there were very few people who knew we were dating – one of my best friends (who knew everything that went on in our little town), my kids (who did all the babysitting), his housekeeper, and his kids (who were more than eager to talk about our relationship at school). In all honesty, the privacy issue wasn’t just on him… I was nervous about people finding out I was dating, too. I wasn’t interested in being the center of any small-town gossip, so I wasn’t making any big announcements about it either.

I probably should have had a clearer idea of where he was coming from, but I didn’t. After all, throughout his home were reminders of his late wife – not just pictures. I am referring to mementos – special reminders… The same type of things I have all over my own home to remind me of Bruce.

Plus, we had a lot of conversations about his late wife… There were times when he would try to tell me how it felt and how losing her had torn him apart… How his faith didn’t feel adequate anymore, but he still pushed forward because of his boys. I know he was trying to help me understand where he was coming from… But I just didn’t get it. Honestly, I don’t know that anyone can until they have been there.

Instead, from where I stood, it felt like he was embarrassed to be seen with me… Maybe I just wasn’t “good enough.” Of course, now I know that was my own insecurities speaking… My own issues stemming from an abusive marriage, which I had never opened up about to him.

So, why am I telling you all of this today? Because so many times since Bruce died, I have finally understood where this man was coming from…

Through the years, I have listened to people equate being divorced and being a widow(er) or tell me the I should “get back out there.” If you have read anything I wrote back then, you will know these things left me feeling incensed. How dare anyone tell me what I should and shouldn’t do? And no, being divorced is not the same as losing a spouse to death. (I was very angry back then.)

Now, though… Well… Now I feel differently. I guess, life has mellowed me a bit. Now a days, I know people mean well when they say I should date again. Will I? I don’t know… It’s really not a priority for me. I know better than to say “never,” but “not yet” is probably an accurate answer.

If I do, I imagine I will feel like my friend did years ago. I imagine it will be awkward and strange… And the last thing I will want is everyone else watching and giving me their opinions. Now, I totally understand why he behaved the way he did. He just couldn’t explain it in a way I could understand back then.

As far as equating being divorced with losing a spouse to death, I have been through both. Yes, there are some similarities… Both are hard, and both create a deep grief. However, there are also a lot of differences. For me, the biggest difference is in choices.

In a divorce, one person (or both) makes the choice to leave. However, when a spouse dies, there is rarely any choice in the matter. In my first marriage, my ex made his choices, and I had to make mine. When Bruce died, though, neither of us had any choice at all… In a moment, he was just gone.

In a divorce, at least one spouse (if not both) must come to terms with the idea that the other person didn’t (or couldn’t) love enough to make it work… That is a very hard reality. In fact, when I got divorced, that reality was a real struggle for me. For a long time, I was convinced there was no such thing as love… “happily ever after” was a myth.

On the other hand, when your spouse dies, the love is still there. It is not a switch that can simply be flipped off. That love you felt doesn’t just stop because that person is no longer by your side. If a child or a parent dies, no one expects you to stop loving them. So, why can’t the world understand that same idea when it comes to losing a spouse?

I’m not saying you can’t love again. Of course, you can. I have seen it happen many times and it makes me smile every time. I’m just saying it takes a very special person to understand that the love you had before will still continue. Then, somehow, the two of you will need to find a way to embrace all of that love to make it work.

I guess what I am trying to say is for those of you who have not lost a spouse, be patient with those of us who have. Ask questions if you need to, but listen more… We are trying to explain things in the only ways we are able at the time. Remember, this path is new for us too.

On the other hand, if you are a widow(er), be patient with those looking in. Keep in mind, they have no idea what this path is like. I truly believe they are trying… and I will bet you, they mean well.

One last thought… While I am pretty sure he will never see this, I want to say a special “thank you” to my friend from years ago. At the time, I felt like dating you was a “safe” way to re-enter the dating world. So, I not only thank you for that, but for so much more. You see, I had no idea at the time, but I was learning a lot from you… Things I wish I never needed, but I did. From you, I learned a lot about death and grief… about not giving up and surviving when you don’t think you can. I learned it was okay to question my faith and figure it out my way. And most importantly, I learned that wherever life takes me, it’s okay to take my time and do it my way.

This is my story this week, but this is our community… a place to share our experiences. How about you? Can you remember ever being on the outside looking in? Have you been able to remember what that was like as you ago through your current situation? How do you handle it? Would you be willing to share your story or your thoughts… Who knows… your words may hold the answer for someone else. To share your story or thoughts, please go to the comments and leave a note, comment or question.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love and Grief… Valentine’s Day: A Day with the Lions

Courage…

I’m trying so hard to be brave…
But I don’t feel brave.

I don’t want to face tomorrow.
I don’t want to wake up alone.
I don’t want another day without you.

I am so thankful for the memories.
I just wish they weren’t memories…
I wish they were now…

~ Linda, February 13, 2015

Earlier this week as I started thinking about what I wanted to write, I knew it would be hard. Anyone grieving knows that holidays are always hard… and this week’s holiday was one specifically designed for lovers and soulmates. How was I going to write anything that might help or encourage anyone? I wasn’t feeling it. My first thought was to just keep it simple and share some highlights from my journal. However, that all changed when received a meme with a reminder that made me laugh. Let me explain…

With my first marriage, I converted to the Roman Catholic faith and even spent many years teaching in a wonderful, small town, Catholic school. One of the things I loved about the church were the Saints and their stories. According to the tradition I was taught, St. Valentine was thrown to the lions by the Romans as punishment for performing Christian marriages for Roman soldiers.

That story always stuck with me and my kids. In fact, somewhere through the years we started calling Valentine’s Day, “Don’t-Get-Eaten-By-Lions” Day. Don’t ask me why. We weren’t trying to be sacrilegious; it is just our silly brand of humor. So, when I saw the meme and a message that said, “And don’t get eaten by lions.” I laughed… Just that thought holds such precious memories for me. However, on Valentine’s morning, I woke up and realized (once again) that those “lions” are real.

My first “lion” greeted me as soon as I woke up. I had just dreamed that Bruce and I were riding in his truck talking and laughing. It was wonderful! (I love those dreams, and I cherish every one of them when they come along.) When the alarm went off, I didn’t want to wake up. I was so happy in my dream. I just wanted to stay there… forever… just holding his hand and laughing with him. But all dreams end, and I had to wake up.

All morning, all I could think about was how much I miss Bruce… I would give anything to be in his arms again where I always felt loved and secure. I didn’t want to face the reality of the day… I didn’t want to face yet another Valentine’s Day alone.

Don’t get me wrong, people are wonderful and always send me reminders that I am loved and not alone – candy, cookies, flowers. I cannot begin to express how much I appreciate their genuine kindness on such a tough day. In fact, this year one of my daughters and her fiancé even went so far as to rename the day “Madre-tine Day.” They gave up a romantic night alone and took me out so I wouldn’t be alone… So, I’m not kidding – I really do feel loved. However, that morning was still a bit tough as I strove to face my reality… I knew it was time to face the “lions” around me.

People respond to death in different ways, and I realize that some people may believe I should be “over this” by now… Some may feel I should be used to being alone by this time, while others may just be uncomfortable with my grief. I get it… But I am who I am and I feel what I feel… My reality is my reality and I am the one that has to figure it out. Honestly, the reality is loss doesn’t come with an “off” switch for love. I wish it did, but it doesn’t… And on this day, I had to face the “lions.”

So… What were my lions that I needed to face? For me, it was spending a day that is all about love without the one person who loved me completely… that felt like the emotional equivalent of being in the lions’ den. My problem was I had to decide if it was worth the effort to fight for survival or just give up and be consumed by the sadness I felt.

I always start my day with meditation and reflection. So, as I lay there quietly reflecting, I decided to focus on the love around me. Shoot, even if it wasn’t directed at me, it is still a beautiful thing to behold. Each time I saw someone receiving flowers or a couple embracing, I found myself smiling as I thought about Bruce and I. Even if Bruce wasn’t here – even if I am alone, this could still be a day about us and the love we still share.

There have been years when I have bought myself a present “from Bruce.” Not this year, though. This year I knew I had already received the best gift I would ever get – my dream… time and laughter with Bruce. There was no need for anything more since nothing could compare with that.

So, throughout the day, I decided to breathe and seek clarity as I needed it. I decided not to fight or run from the “lions” around me. Instead, I took the time to stop, breathe and separate my sadness from my truth… And honestly, the day ended up being quite wonderful. Dinner was absolutely fantastic. In fact, as I reflected on the night, and how spoiled and completely loved, I was feeling I realized something…

Love is not chocolates or roses or teddy bears… And it is not bound to only one day. No… Love is in the little moments. And I am learning that it is never-ending… It is constant throughout time.

I will always remember you, Babe. I will always celebrate us. Just like my dream, our love existed in the simplest moments of time spent together laughing, smiling and just enjoying each other… that is love. Because I still feel your love, I can choose to slow down, remember and draw on the strength of those beautiful moments together. There is a peace there I will always treasure.

So, I chose peace this year… I chose to ignore the “lions,” and submerge myself in love – not just ours, but all of the love around me.

This is my story this week, but this is our community… a place to share our experiences. How did your Valentines Day go without your loved one? How did you handle it? Would you be willing to share your story or your thoughts… Who knows… your words may hold the answer for someone else. To share your story or thoughts, please go to the comments and leave a note, comment or question.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love and Grief… One More Would Not be Enough

Hi Babe,

Missing you… It seems like I say that a lot. It’s true, though. There are so many moments when I think, “Bruce would love this,” or happy times I would love to share with you. Then, there are those moments of sadness or self-doubt when I would give anything to feel your arms around me and hear you whisper, “It’s gonna be okay,” “We’ve got this,” or just simply “I love you.”

Oh… What I wouldn’t give to hear those words again. I would say, “… to hear them one more time,” but truthfully, one more time probably wouldn’t be enough. I really want to hear them over and over.

I remember when we were dating and trying to say our goodbyes at the end of another beautiful weekend together. You would always play Diamond Rio’s song, “One More Day.” As it played, you would hold me close, and we both cried… the thought of saying “Goodbye” for even two or three weeks felt like an eternity. (I wish that were all!) Even now, those lines still ring true for me:

“One more day, one more time,
One more sunset, maybe I’d be satisfied.
But then again,
I know what it would do,
Leave me wishing still for one more day with you.”

Boy, is that true! One more kiss… one more “I love you” … one more moment with you… None of it would be enough. It wasn’t enough back then, when we only had to say goodbye for a few weeks, and it wouldn’t be enough now when goodbye feels like forever. I love you so much, I think I will always just want more… And that’s where I am… constantly wishing you were here… for more.

“Grief had become her silent sidekick. She felt its shadow beside her all the time. She knew that if she turned toward that darkness just once, embraced it as she longed to, she’d be lost.”
~ Kristin Hannah, Winter Garden

I read that a few weeks ago, and thought, “Yep… that’s me too.” I guess this constant wishing for you, thinking of you, missing you – all of it… is still simply my grief. Grief has become my constant companion that I try to ignore, because giving into it, acknowledging it, gets me nowhere. It only leads to spiraling down into that dark space deep inside… that space I don’t dare go to, because it is too hard to crawl back out from.

So instead, I let those thoughts flow in and out of my mind without lingering on them. Some days, I actually push them out to avoid the thoughts and emotions that lay underneath them. I don’t dare dwell on it… or talk about it too often.

That probably sounds a little crazy, doesn’t it, Babe?

But I don’t think I’m alone in this. I think anyone who has loved as we loved, and then lost that person, knows exactly what I am talking about. I think there are a lot of us walking around. Each day, we are smiling at the world, trying to enjoy each moment, because we know how precious they are… We know the moment we are in is the only one we are promised, and we don’t want to waste it wishing for something that will never be.

We don’t want to give up… yet, somewhere deep inside there is still a love that will never be silenced… A love we cannot stop… A love that will go on and on, no matter how much time passes.

So call it grief or call it unending love… Whatever it is, I can’t seem to let go… Instead, I just have to remind myself that our time will come again… Because of my faith, I believe the time will come when we will have one day more…

I love you, Babe – Always and forever!

This is my story this week, but this is our community… a place to share our experiences. Do you ever wish for one more ______ with your loved one? How do you handle it? Or maybe you would like to share your story or your thoughts… There is no one right answer. Who knows… your words may hold the answer for someone else. To share your story or thoughts, please go to the comments and leave a note, comment or question.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love and Grief… Feeling Lonely

I spent this week traveling to Denver, CO for work. It’s funny, I lived there for a (very) short while about 38 years ago, but I don’t remember that much about it. At that time, I was just pregnant with my oldest daughter. It was also my first time moving and living away from my family. All I can tell you about my time there (back then) is how lonely I felt…

My (then) husband was gone all day at school and studied at night. We only had one car, so I was left in our little one-bedroom apartment all day… alone. I don’t believe our apartment faced the mountains, because all I remember looking at was flat nothingness day after day. I do remember taking a few day trips on the weekends, but for the life of me, I couldn’t tell you where we went. In other words, some of my loneliness was due to circumstances, but I am just as sure that some of it was my own doing, as well.

Well, this week found me back in Denver again… And by the third night, I had that overwhelming feeling of loneliness once again…

The week started as I left the airport and drive my rental car to the hotel. The drive was beautiful, and I was absolutely entranced by the incredible majesty of the mountains to my right! I can’t remember ever seeing anything so amazing!! I couldn’t wait to get where I was going, so I could take a picture and share it with those I love back home.

As the week passed, I saw old friends and made new friends in our Colorado office. There was even a night when we all went out to dinner together and had a blast. However, most nights I ate alone.

Honestly, the first night or two that was fine – kind of nice actually. I tend to treasure my time alone, so one or two nights on my own felt it was “just what the doctor ordered.” However, as the week continued on, I began to get a little homesick, I guess… I missed those I love back home, and I missed their love for me… And I really missed Bruce.

It probably sounds silly, but one night, the loneliness was so overwhelming, I even cried myself to sleep… It has been years since I can remember feeling that lonely.

After Bruce died, my emotions were raw and all over the place. One of the emotions I remember experiencing the most was loneliness. It was hard coming to terms with the fact that he was no longer by my side… No longer was there someone who loved me the way he had – no one for me to love and no one to love me back… No one to fill my “love-tank,” which came as natural to him as breathing… No one to hold me when I cried, and no one to hug me when we had a big moment to celebrate. No longer was I the center of anyone’s world.

Yes, there were people who loved me – I never doubted that… But there is something about the love between two people who commit to always loving and prioritizing each other. For me, that was gone, and it felt too hard to accept.

Over time, I learned to move forward… To live life as it comes without getting too caught up in what was (still is) missing. True, I still have my moments of tears, but I try to save them for when I am alone. This is because I don’t want those around me to feel like I don’t appreciate them and all they add to my world.

This week, though, without those people nearby… and without Bruce, I somehow let myself spiral down into a sadness and loneliness that I couldn’t shake. Once again, it felt just as painful as it did years ago when Bruce left this world… left me.

It really took me by surprise. I didn’t expect to feel that pain so deeply again… and especially not in such a beautiful place! I don’t really know what triggered those emotions or why… I can only tell you what I felt.

Now I am home… I have hugged my family close and relished all weekend in the love we share. I still miss Bruce today, but that feeling of absolute loneliness is gone. (Thankfully!) And as I reflect on this past week, I am reminded…

Grief is not just a moment in time. It is a process. There are feelings and emotions that will always ebb and flow like the tide… And while most of the time, I can manage my grief and the loneliness it creates, I am still not immune to it, even all these years later…

This is my story, but this is our community… a place to share our experiences. Do you ever feel overwhelmed by the loneliness? How do you handle it? Or maybe you would like to share your story or your thoughts… There is no one right answer. Who knows… your words may hold the answer for someone else. To share your story or thoughts, please go to the comments and leave a note, comment or question.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love and Grief… Learning to Be Still

My heart struggles to reconcile itself with what my mind knows is real.
~ Linda, October 24, 2013

I have often said that grief is a maddening experience. It is. It is a time of struggle and emotional chaos as one tries to make sense of something that just doesn’t make sense. Everything I thought I knew was suddenly gone in a single moment. I have had to relearn how to live. In so many ways, that is maddening… and that is grief.

Over the years, I have learned firsthand that each person experiences grief differently. We each have to find our own way… in our own time… no two are alike. For me, my grief journey ran parallel to my spiritual journey. Then again, that sounds silly because it is all one life, so isn’t it all the same? It isn’t like I have been traveling two paths at once.

I learned rather quickly that I am on one path. It is called “life,” and it has included many lessons. I have learned that it is up to me to explore each one and to bring them all together in a way that makes sense for me. I can’t do it for anyone else… This is my life… this is my path. This is how I am learning and growing as I work to bring my heart and mind together to create a spirit of peace and love.

When Bruce first died, despite my anger and distrust toward God, a certain verse kept running through my mind. This verse never had any special significance for me in the past, so I have no logical way to explain why it was suddenly there in my thoughts all the time… I won’t even try. I simply believe I needed to hear those words in order to survive, and so God put them there. Just as he had sent Bruce into my life years before, he placed this verse back into my heart when I needed it most.

“Be still and know that I am God.”

Over and over, I wrote them in my journal. I mulled over them in the quiet moments. They were a constant in the back of my mind. And despite my anger, I couldn’t make them go away.

There was something there for me – I felt it. I was looking for comfort… something to bring peace to my soul. I came to believe that the secret was somewhere in these words. It was… but probably not in the way most people might think.

I don’t believe it was about church… or religion… or “do’s and don’ts.” It was so much deeper than any of that.

I grew up in the church, directed church choirs, taught Sunday School and even taught in a parochial school for years. God and religion had always a part of my life. However, even before Bruce passed away, I chose to walk away from organized religion. I needed to figure out what I believed… For my faith to be my own, I had to find my own spiritual path to God.

It was been a long road… Still is, actually. It’s probably no surprise, but Bruce’s death really tried my faith in so many ways that I almost walked away from my faith completely. (I was so angry for so long.) But Bruce’s life, his death and my struggle afterward have led me to a faith that I know without a doubt is completely mine. It is not based on what others tell me to think or do. It is not based on rules or someone else’s grand interpretation. It is much simpler than that. It is merely a philosophy and a way of living my life with God as my source of energy.

I know it may sound crazy. After all, how can spiritual matters be so simple? But I came to this realization after watching Bruce and reflecting on how he lived such a genuine life with no pretense… no games.

You would not find Bruce at church on a Sunday morning. Nope… On Sundays, you could find him sitting in his lounge chair with his coffee and his Sudoku watching Meet the Press. Yet, I have never known anyone to live a life more true to the principles of God – a life filled with acceptance and unconditional love for the world around him.

He was not a complicated man. He had a sweet, gentle spirit and a simple faith. I watched him place a cross in his pocket each morning and heard him pray every night before he fell asleep. Then… he simply lived what he believed – no sermons or lectures, no push for anyone to think his way. He just lived it. To him, it was that simple.

So, back to those words that kept going through my head, “Be still and know that I am God.” I can’t tell you how long I pondered those words – trying to figure out what I needed to get out of them. I was so angry after Bruce died, I couldn’t even pray. So you can bet, I didn’t want to be still, and I certainly didn’t want to “hear” anything from God. (Honestly, I wasn’t interested in anything he might have to say.)

Then, one day while reading one of Bruce’s books on philosophy and spiritualism, it hit me. This verse doesn’t say anything about God talking or about me listening. It simply says to be still. It was describing meditation – a practice of sitting quietly, breathing deeply and purposely not thinking… It is about clearing your mind; not filling it. It is an age old practice of simply being in that specific moment. Then letting your breath carry you to the next moment and then the next.

That was exactly what I needed… to slow down… to be still.

As I started a daily practice of meditation, my anxiety lessened and my peace grew. By learning to be still, both physically and mentally, I learned to reconnect to my God. However, this time it has been different… Now, it is a connection of spirit and peace. It is not about rules or being good enough… those are not concerns anywhere in my world. As Wayne Dyer says, it is about the fact that I am “a spiritual being having a physical experience; not a physical being having a spiritual experience.”

It took years, but through those quiet, still moments, I learned to let go of my anger. To my own surprise, I learned to trust God again. I believe that he is my Source, and this life as we see it, is not all there is. There is more… so much more.

Do I believe everyone thinks this way? Of course not.

Do I think they should? That’s not my call, and that is not what this is about… This is how I found peace again, but it is up to each person to find their own path to peace after such a painful loss. We must each choose for ourselves how we want to think and live.

I am only suggesting that if you are struggling with grief or loss, meditation may be a simple way to regain a part of your life. It has nothing to do with religion… These practices are a physical exercise like running or walking.

For me, meditation has been invaluable. It has helped me to regain peace, focus and composure, even on those “bad” days when the grief is more than I think I can bear. All I need to do is breathe… meditate… and just let go.

And because I have a God who wouldn’t give up on me, I have learned to be still and know…

Peace…

This is my story but this is our community… a place to share our experiences. Maybe you found your peace in another way. Or maybe you are still struggling to find some kind of peace and way forward. Or maybe you just want to share your story or your thoughts… There is no one right answer. Who knows… your words may hold the answer for someone else. To share your story or thoughts, please go to the comments and leave a note, comment or question.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love and Grief… Who Knew I Could Laugh Today?

Two weeks ago marked the 7th anniversary of losing Bruce. While I took a day for myself, and didn’t post a blog here, I still spent the day remembering and writing. So, here are the words and experiences of that day, as I felt them and as I wrote them…

Hi Babe,

It’s hard to believe another year has passed since you left us here… seven years. Wow! Some days (like today) it feels raw and fresh like it just happened. Other days, I can manage my emotions better… but it still hurts. One of the scariest parts is wondering how long the hurt will last… Probably until we’re together again, which is likely to be a long time.

I was reading through my Face Book memories last night… That Friday started out so normal. My morning post said, “Woo Hoo! It’s Friday!” Had I known what lay ahead “woo hoo” would not have been my response to the day.

I still think you knew it was coming… I don’t think you knew it would be that day, but you knew it was it was coming, and you chose to face it alone… I am so sorry for that! I have kept a lot of my fears and emotions to myself over the last couple of years to spare others and give them more hope than I might have felt at the time. It was hard sometimes, though. There were times when I would have given anything to be able to confide everything without worrying about how it might impact their world.

So, to think that even I couldn’t be that person for you after all you did for me is a bit tough to swallow. Then again, I do get it. How do you share your deepest fears or darkest thoughts when you want the people around you to go on with hope and positivity? … I understand now… It just gets so complicated.

I have been so tired this year that I don’t really have a lot planned for today. (Nothing formal like I usually do, anyway.) I just want to spend time with you… writing, sitting on the beach, eating seafood… All those things we used to do together.

I have dreamed of you a lot over the last few nights. Thank you! Those “visits” feel so real and make me smile for weeks… Last night, though, was the funniest!!

We all know that you are still here… We know that you move things around and play with the animals. (We can tell they can even see you – how amazing!) In fact, none of that surprises us anymore… It is just a wonderful reminder that you are still here, and that I am not alone. I believe it is the love between us that keeps that bond alive.

It has just been in the last few years that I have been able to sleep through the night without waking up at 1:15(ish) – the time you died. While there are still nights when I will wake up at that time, it is rare – no longer a nightly occurrence. So, last night with the noises started a little earlier than that time, I thought it was you trying to wake me up. (Honestly, I still do!)

It sounded like my birthday balloons were loose, floating around the room and hitting the fan blades every now and then. So, I turned on the light to see. But the balloons were right where they were supposed to be. It was so odd. So, I stayed awake for a while looking at videos of you. However, when nothing more happened, I turned out the light to go back to sleep.

Just as I was falling asleep, it started again. Seriously, Babe! I am so tired these days! I couldn’t figure out what you wanted. So, I turned on the light again… And once again, nothing was moving. What in the world?! I lay awake for a while, looking at pictures of you and I… remembering us… missing you. But… nothing, so I turned out the light again.

Before a minute had passed, I heard something fall and hit the floor in the bathroom. Immediately, I turned on the light and went to see what had fallen. On the floor by the window was one of the shells from the windowsill. Well… shells don’t move themselves, and this one had been a good two inches from the edge. All I could think was, “Wow, Babe! That was crazy!

Then, as I was looking at the other items on the windowsill, I saw him… There staring back at me was a big adult frog sitting in the orchid leaves. For a minute, we both just stared at each other. Then, I started laughing… How in the world did we get a huge frog in the house? Well, I feel that was a “you” thing, and you used him to wake me up.

I ended up getting a plastic container and card, scooped him up and put him outside. I looked at the clock when I came back in, and you know what time it was… Yep, 1:15. LOL! Then, I spent some time with you… reading memories on Face Book, looking at more pictures, talking to you, and missing you.

I didn’t cry, though… It was all too funny!

Thank you, Babe, for such an hilarious start to our day! For wanting to spend time with me! For being you and for loving me! I love you so much – now and forever!

– – – – – –

Well, here I am… at our beach… no flowers, no beer – just time with you. I hope that’s okay. I have been going, going, going for weeks on end… and I am tired… VERY tired! (Physically AND emotionally) Today, I just want to be with you… just quietly sitting by the ocean – reading, writing, watching the waves and watching people.

On the way here, a Chevy Trailblazer, same color as yours, followed me out of the neighborhood. At first, it took my breath away… How many Sundays did you and I pile into that car and head for a day at the beach?… No plans, except to spend time together.

That’s all I wanted for today, too… We could sit out here for hours and not say a word. Yet, so much love would pass between us with a smile or a touch… I miss that… I miss the quiet we shared

I haven’t been out here that much in the past two years, mostly because of surgeries or being sick. Plus, most days there seems to always be something to do or somewhere to be… That’s just the way life is, I know… But this place is where I find peace and joy… and myself. I need to do this more often… with you.

– – – – – – –

Can I be honest Babe? How in the world did a “WooHoo-It’s-Friday” become my worst nightmare? And… why does it still hurt so much? And… Do you know how long until we see each other again?

I know… all questions with no answers… I wish I could “get over it,” but love isn’t a switch. (There was so much happiness with you.) I am learning to be more at peace, though… And that’s a good thing, I believe. I am able to find things in life that I enjoy and that make me smile. Today, that includes thinking of you!

– – – – – –

Well, Babe, the day is done… another one for the books… and I still miss you. I would give anything to lay in your arms just one more time. What I wouldn’t give for you to have been with me today. I love you so much, Babe! (And any dreams you want to visit is A-Okay with me.) I look forward to the day when we are together once again. Thank you for letting me start the day with a laugh and wonderful thoughts of you! (Who knew I would laugh today of all days?)

I love you, Babe… Now and forever!

What about you? How do you spend the anniversary of losing your loved one? Maybe your way of coping is different than mine… Or maybe you just want to share your story or your thoughts… There is no one right answer. Who knows… you may hold the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief