grief – Page 39 – Peace, Love & Grief

Peace, Love and Grief… Some things still hurt… That is just the way it is.

There are a few things in life, I wouldn’t wish on anyone… Some I used to say in humor to relieve the stress, such as a colicky baby. With other things, I am completely serious… One of the things that I really wouldn’t wish on anyone is the loss of your soulmate.

Dealing with that these last few years has taught me a lot about people, patience with others… and heartbreak. I have also come to realize this time of year for me, from October 31 through January 12, is the hardest. During this time, there are a lot of important dates filled with precious memories.

It is a season where time moves forward whether I am ready or not… I must go from one holiday or momentous occasion to another… It is like being knocked to the ground and before I can get back on my feet, I am knocked down again.
It starts with Halloween. From there, we move to my and Bruce’s wedding anniversary, Thanksgiving, my birthday, the anniversary of the day we met, Christmas, New Year’s eve/day and the anniversary of Bruce’s death.

I know to brace myself, because before I can catch my breath from one event, the next one is upon me. If I am honest, what I would really like to do is crawl in bed, pull the covers over my head and cry for 2.5 months… but I don’t have that option. I have responsibilities, and life moves on whether I am ready or not.

So over time, my method of survival has been to take a deep breath, draw on my strength, pull my emotions inward… and try to avoid talking about it because that will bring uncontrollable tears. Don’t get me wrong, I do allow myself the time to cry, but I try to hold that for when I am alone… The problem is I am not always successful.

The first year most people understood that these days would be emotional triggers for me and were very empathetic. Now, however, as I go through this for the fourth time, most people (although not everyone) have lost any sense of patience or compassion. The idea that I could still be grieving seems foreign to them. On the one hand, I know they really have no frame of reference, and I can’t change that. On my end though, it just makes the whole thing hurt worse.

For example, there are two days I know to make plans to take off from the world… Our anniversary and the anniversary of Bruce’s death. These are the hardest for me… My emotions are unpredictable from moment to moment… I know that so I choose to be alone and do whatever is needed to bring me comfort and get through the day.

This year is no different. I made my plans months ago… Anyone who knows me well is aware, whether they agree or not. This year, however, other people in my life have things they want me to do. Weeks ago when it was first mentioned (and while I was less emotional), I explained that I already had plans and why.

This week, however, it came up again. I must admit I was already feeling a bit emotional and now I was caught a bit off guard. I quietly restated that I wouldn’t be there. However, there were other people present who questioned why, so I had to explain myself again. My goal was to be succinct and not go into too much detail, but I could feel the tears starting to form in my eyes as I spoke.

This week it all seems a bit harder to talk about… This week I was more emotional… This week was the start of “the season.” I managed to get through Halloween on Monday – Bruce’s favorite time for innocent teasing with the children at the door (not to mention the candy he denied eating). Then this next week, I will face our anniversary – A day I thought we would celebrate together for many years to come.

So this second explanation was much more quiet… And in the frustration of trying to hold back the emotion, I became a flustered. I doubt my explanation made much sense, but I prayed that would be the end of it… We’ve discussed it twice, after all.

But, no. It came up again… Several times actually. I don’t believe any of it was meant to be cruel or to cause me more pain. However, each time it came up I was thrown off guard and found myself trying to defend something I know no one can truly understand if they have never experienced it.

I can’t even remember what I said each time… I only remember feeling the tears filling my eyes as I mumbled an apology, prayed this would be the last conversation about it and waited for the conversation to just move on…

Throughout the week, I found myself going back and forth between feeling understood versus defending my feelings and the need to be alone. It was like being on a roller coaster while trying to balance to staying in control of my emotions.

I heard everything from “We do understand… I can’t imagine how hard it is to find your soulmate and then to lose them without any warning.” to various versions of “why” questioning. I also heard phrases that felt like a cross between “I’m trying to understand” versus “Get over it already.” For example, “You will be fine… There will be no tears ‘that’ day,” and “We understand, but if you want to reconsider that would be okay too… But if you don’t, we won’t say anything.”

Seriously? It has been brought up several times… I don’t feel like anyone understands… While it hasn’t been said outright, I feel like the world keeps telling me, “It has been 4 years. Get over it already and move on”… but I can’t.

I wish I could help others understand it’s not as easy as they think… It’s not a switch that I can turn on and off… Maybe I should be over it, (I know it’s been almost 4 years), but I’m not… I still love him… I miss him… I still hurt…

And that is the bottom line…

While I am hurt by a lot of the conversations this week, I’m not angry. (That is a big sign of growth for me.) Of the two of us, I am the only one that knows both sides of this coin. For others, I know it must be hard when there is no reference point… when someone has never lost the person they loved beyond anything else… The person they thought they would spend the rest of their life with… I understand their need to give “objective” advice… They mean well… They want to help…

However, what I wish they could understand is…

If you really want to help, just walk beside me for while… Cry with me on my hard days and celebrate with me on my good days… That will go a lot farther toward healing than anything else…

What about you? Did you or have you struggled with feeling judged after your loss? How did you come to terms with it? Or do you still need support in that area? Would you be willing to share your story or your thoughts?

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

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Peace, Love and Grief… What is the opposite of sad?

Through this blog I have met (both virtually and physically) many other widows. The conversation each time is eerily similar to the topics discussed here… While my experience is mine, it is also very similar to thousands of other widows’ experiences… That is one of the reasons I started writing this… I needed to know and I wanted others to know that we are not alone, and our experiences are more “normal” than one could have ever imagined.

I have found over the last two years there is one consistent theme that can be very frustrating… The idea from others in our lives that we shouldn’t be sad. This can be worded many different ways and I have written about those before…

I have heard everything from “Don’t be sad…”
“… You’re not the only one to ever lose someone.”
“… He’s in a better place.”
“… You know you can choose to feel better or have a better attitude.”
“… It looks weak.”
“… Be strong.”
“… What will others think?”
But the craziest one is a form of “You have to stop being sad, because I (the other person) can’t handle it anymore.”

In the beginning, these phrases made me nuts… well, angry actually. I was grieving. I was sad. Why couldn’t people understand that and simply walk beside me for a while? A genuine, caring hug could go such a long way, but the only people who seemed to understand that were those who had walked this journey before me… And many times, the ones who understood this least were usually those closest to me.

As time has passed, I have come to realize that their reaction stems from several things but the two main components seem to be: 1 – They haven’t been where I am and have absolutely no frame of reference for the pain; 2 – It is a real struggle for them to watch someone they love hurt so intensely, while knowing they can’t fix it. In other words, it is a response born out of desperation and fear. I believe they aren’t as frustrated with me as with their own inability to “make it better.”

What they don’t realize (and why it hurts so badly on this end) is these responses completely invalidate our pain and our loss. There is something else they don’t realize. In fact, I just started to become of aware of it in the last few months…

Even when you get to the point where your grief is not the only emotion in your world… Even when you have learned to smile again, you realize that just because you are not sad all the time, it doesn’t necessarily mean you are happy. Simply put, despite what we learned as children, the opposite of sad is not necessarily happy. This particular journey in life is a bit different… It shakes you down to your core, and changes you in ways even you can’t understand.

So I propose something I learned from a Harvard psychology professor… the opposite of sad is not happy, it is simply “not sad.” Happy, on the other hand, is a completely different emotion – and it’s opposite would be… “not happy.”

Most people might argue this. However, a few will understand and most of those will be those of us who have experienced the grief of deep loss.

Before I lost Bruce, “happy” was my norm. Now, “happy” is an experience… “Neutral emotion” is my norm. For me that is my opposite of sad.

There are those around me who don’t understand this. Since “neutral” is not “happy,” they sometimes interpret it as “sad.” Perhaps, they have trouble understanding this because they want me to be as I was before. However, I can never be as I was before… I can’t un-feel this pain that has reshaped my life.

I am still me, but I am different now. Bruce will always be a part of me… and a part of me will always grieve his loss. Therefore, for me, I have learned that the opposite of sad has been simply learning to open my heart to other emotions…

It is learning to be at peace with “what is” rather than grieving for “what was.”

There is a peace that comes with acceptance.
And a love that is always remembered.
~ Linda, September 2013

What about you? Did you or have you struggled with other’s reaction to your loss? How did you come to terms with it? Or do you still need support in that area? Would you be willing to share your story or your thoughts?

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love and Grief… Who I am

I know I am not who I was;
But I’m not sure I am.
~ Linda, October 2016

For decades, scientists have argued the heredity vs environment theories. Today, most will acknowledge that it is a bit of both. If you had siblings or multiple children, you also most likely agree. Sharing the same DNA does not mean replica children. It is also our experiences that help shape and mold us. They seem to add the details in our life’s tapestry that significantly affect who we become.

In other words, who we are is fluid based on our experiences. Once we have experienced something, we cannot UN-see or UN-hear it… We cannot UN-experience it. So by nature, each experience creates constant change and growth in each of us.

I believe most of us would agree… There is not a lot to argue… or ponder… Until those big experiences knock us off our feet. Then there is a lot to think about…

After my first marriage ended, I realized that I had spent my whole adult life (up to that point) not being myself… Out of fear, I became whatever was needed in any given moment not to anger my first husband. As a consequence, I had lost any idea of myself and who I was. It took several years of being alone to rediscover who I was and have enough confidence to just be me around others.

By the time I met Bruce, I was pretty comfortable with myself. I was still healing, but at the same time, I was learning how to enjoy life and laugh again. Bruce’s unconditional love and acceptance, however, went a long way to helping me love life again… life with him.

With the love we shared, life changed again… It was filled with all the “normal” marriage and family things, but this time our love for each other was at the core of all of it. During this short time together, we both grew… but we grew together.

No matter how bad things appeared on the surface… issues with our kids, money, job loss, moves, or anything else that life threw our way… the central theme was “We love each other, and we can get through this together.”

I had never experienced that before… The idea that I wasn’t alone or on the defensive was new… and wonderful! I must tell you, I flourished. I stopped acting out of fear and learned to be totally comfortable with being me. It was such a freeing way to live. Maybe it sounds crazy, but the connection and acceptance of each other was so strong during this time together, I felt whole or the first time.

Then it all changed…

Bruce died. It felt like the ground beneath my feet crumbled away, as I fell into an abyss. It was lonely and dark… I was lost.

Losing your soulmate feels like your soul has been ripped out;
Leaving nothing but a shell.
A shell that breathes and moves,
But feels no hope…
not anymore.
~Linda, October 2013

Now it is three years later, and I am doing better. I am still sad, but no longer despondent. I am slowly learning how to me… without Bruce… one person – no longer “two as one.”

As time passes, I am noticing ways I am different now… some changes are small and others are pretty big. For example, I am much more quiet than I used to be. I used to talk to everyone, (which was how I met Bruce). Now, while I don’t avoid talking, and I will smile and nod – maybe even say a “hello” – but it takes a lot for me to actually start a conversation. I enjoy life, and I have learned to laugh again, but I am also quite content to be alone – lost in my own thoughts. As a former music and drama teacher, I used to be completely comfortable entertaining, singing or being in front of a crowd. Now, I content to sit back and observe… and I only sing when it is along with the radio, and I am alone.

But, I think the biggest change for me has been trust. I used to trust everyone… until they gave me multiple reasons not to. When Bruce died that all changed.
So many people made empty promises, others just disappeared and still others actually took advantage or tried to take advantage of my situation for their own gain. While none of these will be a surprise to any other widow(er), I was caught completely by surprise. It even reached a point where I didn’t even trust God anymore.

However, through journaling, meditation and studying the books Bruce read, I am learning to trust God/life again. I learning to trust that things will work out the way they should in their own time. Grief has changed me immensely, and I am still learning who I am now. I know I will never be that person I was; I am different now.

But I guess, through this experience I am learning to be who I am meant to be…

New beginnings are often disguised as painful endings…
~ Lao Tzu

What about you? Did you or have you struggled with figuring out who you are after your loss? How did you come to terms with it? Or do you still need support in that area? Would you be willing to share your story or your thoughts?

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love and Grief… Never good at goodbye

“All I could think about was how you were taken away
and now our house…
our space was going to be taken too.”
~ Linda, Oct 2016

From our first goodbye to this past weekend, I have never been good at saying goodbye to Bruce… And I’m not sure I ever will…

Bruce and I met on a small sailing schooner in the Virgin Islands. We had a beautiful week in paradise and seemed to connect from the moment we met. On the last night of the cruise, reality sunk in, (aka – I got scared), and I told him it wasn’t going anywhere… I said my first goodbye. Then I cried the whole way home. I couldn’t do it. Inside I knew I was walking away from the best thing that had ever happened to me. I knew “goodbye” was not what I really wanted.

My first goodbye and already, I knew I couldn’t do it.

As soon as I arrived back home, I emailed Bruce and asked if he could forgive me enough to at least be friends. Six weeks later, we both knew it was a lot more than a friendship… This was going to be forever.

On my first trip to Michigan, I remember seeing his smiling face as I hurried down the passageway in the airport to the best hug (and kiss) ever! It was a wonderful weekend… like something out of a fairy tale. However, the idea of leaving and saying goodbye, started the flow of silent tears from the moment I awoke on the last day… and as I looked at Bruce, I caught him wiping his own eyes more than a few times. At the airport, we both sat silently holding on to each until the last possible moment… Yes, we were that couple. Then, once again, I found myself crying quietly on a dark plane all the way home.

Our second goodbye, and again, I knew this was the part of our relationship I hated.

The next few months found us taking turns flying back and forth between Michigan and South Carolina. Each trip started with the same total joy of being together again and ended with the same complete sadness at saying goodbye.

During the summer of that year, we planned for me to go to Michigan so we could spend those months together. Since I was driving (and in order to spend as much time together as possible), Bruce flew to SC and drove back up with me. At the end of the summer, the idea of goodbye was overwhelming for both of us. As we rode back to SC, we both got more and more quiet the further south we drove. The idea of another tear filled goodbye was even harder after so many months of being together.

It seemed like the stronger our relationship, the deeper our love and the harder it was to say goodbye.

I remember after several months, Bruce’s Dad asked us how long we thought we could keep this up… How long until we quit saying goodbye and got married? I will always remember Bruce’s answer… “Until it gets so hard to say goodbye, we just can’t do it anymore.” Prophetically, that ended up being our reality less then six weeks later.

Once that decision was made, things moved fast. Within less than a month plans were made for a move to Michigan and a small, quiet wedding. The weekend before the move, Bruce flew down to help with last minute move preparations. It was an exciting weekend for both of us, knowing that the endless cycle of “goodbyes” would soon be over. It’s funny, but even then… even knowing that we were about to be together for the rest of forever, it was still hard to say goodbye at the end of the weekend… Even knowing we would see each other in just a few short days, neither of us could say goodbye without tears.

For the next few years, Bruce and I rarely spent a night apart. In fact, even saying goodbye on workday mornings resulted in long hugs. How in the world were we to know how short this time together would be… and a final goodbye would come all to soon?

But it did come… in a breath… in the middle of the night… Bruce’s heart stopped and nothing I (or anyone else) could do would bring him back. I remember being allowed to stay with him until the Medical Examiner came to pick him up. I remember touching his face, holding his hand, kissing his forehead… knowing it would be the last time.

When the time finally came, with tears pouring down my face, I said goodbye… for the last time.

However, as most of you know from reading this blog, accepting the idea that that was really our final goodbye has been a struggle for me. I find myself, even now 3+ years later, still half-expecting him to walk back through our door… I still feel his presence next to me… And I still find myself “talking” to him. (I know it probably sounds crazy… unless you have been where I am.)

Up until this past week, I thought I had said all of my goodbyes to Bruce.

However, as one family out of thousands living on the Florida Atlantic coast, we were facing a category 4 Hurricane Matthew. In Florida, the only mandatory evacuations were on the barrier islands… However, even our area was expecting a 9 -11 foot storm surge, so we made the decision to evacuate as well.

So after hauling everything from the yard and porches into the garage and putting up the hurricane shutters, I found myself face to face with another goodbye… Goodbye to our home… The space Bruce and I had shared… It seemed so unreal. I had already lost the man I love… the man who still owns my heart… and now I had to face the fact that this space we had shared, might very well be taken too. It seemed so wrong. As we loaded the cars and headed west, I held onto Bruce’s jacket (one of the few things I chose to bring along) and cried.

Once again, even though I thought I had made so much progress, I found I was still no good at saying goodbye.

But, God is good… three days later, we returned to find not a thing wrong with our home. The landscaping needed some work and everything needed to be put back in its place, but we were spared… We were blessed…

And… I have learned that I may never be good at saying goodbye to Bruce… and maybe that’s okay.

Note: I would like to thank each of you for your prayers and good thoughts over the last week as my family and I dealt with Hurricane Matthew.

What about you? Did you (or do you) struggle with saying goodbye after your loss? How do you handle it? Or do you still need support in that area? Would you be willing to share your story or your thoughts?

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love and Grief… More questions than answers

Either you can see God in all things or
you can see God in no things.
~ Fr. Richard Rohr

When we can still see God (use whatever name you choose) in all things, we are better equipped to have hope, see choices and keep trying. It is when we can no longer see or feel God anywhere that we run out of options… and hope. It is a hard place to be. In my job, we sometimes deal with people whose family members have have been there… Unable to see any other option, they chose to end their own lives. It is absolutely heart wrenching to help the surviving family members work through this one piece of the “business” of death. I don’t think I have ever gotten through one of these encounters without crying a few tears myself.

In my own small “world,” I have been pretty sheltered. Whenever I hear of someone who has committed suicide, it has always been an acquaintance – never a close friend or family member. Still, it always makes me pause and cry… both for the family left to grieve and wonder how it ever came to this and for the person whose pain was so deep they felt this was the only choice left.

This week I received word that a classmate from high school died… Even more sad, he had committed suicide. I was shocked when I first heard. In fact, every time I think about it, it still makes me sad. I can’t imagine the depth of his despair…

I know after Bruce died, there were times when I was so sad and low… so completely lonely. I couldn’t imagine spending the rest of my life without him… alone… There were many times when I wondered why I was still here. What purpose did I serve now? My life seemed to be an endless cycle of waking, working, eating and sleeping… Only to do it all over again the next day… alone. It all seemed so pointless.

I can remember saying endless prayers asking God to just let me die, too. After all, I reasoned, no one needed me anyone. I remember begging Bruce to come back and “get me.” I was definitely at the lowest point I have ever been. I believe some of us (especially widows and widowers) have been there at one time or another in our grief. However, the difference is – we are still here… Somehow, we managed to find a way back out of that darkness.

The idea that not everyone is able to find their way out of that darkness is hard to accept.

I have heard some people say it is a “sin,” while others call it “selfish.” I can’t say I agree with either of those views. I don’t believe it is that simple. Besides, both of those ideas are completely unfair. They both blame the victim, and allow the rest of us to wash our hands and walk away with a clean conscience. That’s ridiculous! Why in the world do we feel the need to blame anyone?

Why can’t we admit there may not be an answer to such a tragedy… Why can’t we look at what has occurred, realize we may not have caused it; we may not have been aware of it; and we may not have been able to stop it?

At the same time, maybe we could also take a moment to realize the part we all play in each others’ lives… our responsibility to simply care… to simply be the love and acceptance we all seek from the world around us. Maybe then, through simple gestures of caring, we can make a difference…

What is suicide?
Is it the sudden taking of one’s own life?
Is it that simple?
Is it the slow denial that something is wrong?
Is it depression so deep that you feel your very soul is gone?
Is the real death emotional and the physical act is just the ending punctuation?
Is it a rejection of one’s circumstances?
Or is it because one has been rejected by circumstances?
Is it an ending or a fresh start in a better place?
Is it a choice or does one feel that there is no choice?
Is it a selfish act or a desperate attempt to escape one’s own demons?
Is it a rejection of society or is it a response to society’s rejection?
I do not know the answer… but I have known those feelings.
While we are not responsible for the actions of those around us,
We do have a responsibility to those around us.
We can reach out, hold a hand or give a hug.
We can listen. We can be a friend.
What is suicide?
It is a cry in the darkness…
Are you listening?
~ Linda, September 2013

What about you? Did you or have you struggled with fear after your loss? How did you come to terms with it? Or do you still need support in that area? Would you be willing to share your story or your thoughts?

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love and Grief… Looking for happiness

“Now the work is left to us, his family, to carry forth the beauty and joy of that life which has been taken from us. Where we weep, Bruce would have us laugh. Where we mourn, Bruce would have us rejoice. But we know that he will forgive us our grief, for to grieve is to love, to love is to cherish, and to cherish is to give praise and thanksgiving for the life which has blessed us all.”

“Let us depart in peace and look to the morning, assured that today and everyday the sun will rise again. May the truth that makes us free, the hope that never dies and the love that casts out fear lead us forward together until the dayspring breaks, and the shadows flee away.”

“To the Holy Spirit who guides our paths and is able to keep us from falling, to the Son who makes us stand without blemish in the presence of God’s glory, to our heavenly Father who sustains us and whose wisdom is beyond our understanding: Deal graciously with us in our grief. Surround us with your love, that we may not be overwhelmed by our loss, but have confidence in your goodness and strength to meet the days to come; through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.”

This was the final reading and prayer at Bruce’s ash scattering ceremony. I had no idea at the time just how prophetic those words would be… “Now the work is left to us, his family, to carry forth the beauty and joy of that life which has been taken from us.” It has been work… hard work while I have spent the last 3+ years looking for that joy… that happiness which left my life the night Bruce died.

I know the saying that happiness can never be found outside ourselves; instead, we must find it within ourselves… and I agree for the most part. However, what happens when two souls are one – completely connected and bonded. While their happiness is strengthened in specific moments in time, their actually happiness is within the two of them together… Their happiness is something they share together; it belongs to both of them as one.

So what happens when one of them is gone? Where is the happiness then? This is where that saying gets turned on its head.

You see, it wasn’t that our happiness was outside either of us… it was deep in the core of both of us… together.

For the longest time after Bruce died, what should have been happy moments became instant reminders that I was now here alone. I remember thinking I would never even smile again… but I have. In fact, I have even laughed. Increasingly over time, I have moments when I am in awe of this life and the beauty and love surrounding me. But, each of these moments is still filled with a twinge of sadness as I find myself longing to share it with Bruce. I always find myself thinking things like – “Bruce would love this,” or “Bruce would not think that was funny… (which makes it even funnier).” So often, I find myself smiling while tears spill down my cheeks.

Once again, I find the next sentence of that prayer so true to the life I live. “Where we weep, Bruce would have us laugh. Where we mourn, Bruce would have us rejoice. But we know that he will forgive us our grief, for to grieve is to love, to love is to cherish, and to cherish is to give praise and thanksgiving for the life which has blessed us all.”

Each day as I sit at my desk, whether here at home or in my office, I am surrounded by pictures of Bruce and I… happy, precious moments forever frozen in time. It is impossible not to wish for those moments… that life again. But as I said a few weeks ago, I know that is not to be.

Life keeps moving on… whether I am grieving or happy makes no difference.
I am learning (in baby steps) how to keep putting one foot in front of the other… How to keep breathing through the tough moments… I find myself constantly praying the last sentence of that prayer, “To the Holy Spirit… to the Son… to our heavenly Father…: Deal graciously with us in our grief. Surround us with your love, that we may not be overwhelmed by our loss, but have confidence in your goodness and strength to meet the days to come; through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.”

As time has passed, I have learned to have confidence in God, again. I have learned to face each day with the strength I find in my relationship with God. While it is not the same, I am learning to find happiness in the little things. Who knows, perhaps in time, I will also learn to find my happiness within myself.

Until then, I will remember the happiness we shared. I will give thanks daily knowing Bruce and I were two souls meant to be together, and that is something very precious… In fact, I will remember it as a blessing and a gift from God. I also believe that one day, we will be together again… united as one… and relishing the happiness we knew as “ours.”

What about you? Do you or have you struggled with finding happiness after your loss? How did you come to terms with it? Or do you still need support in that area? Would you be willing to share your story or your thoughts?

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love and Grief… Don’t cry…

Don’t cry… Most of us have heard this all our lives. As a child when a favorite toy was lost… “Don’t cry.” When a pet was lost or your best friend moved… “Don’t cry.” As a teen, when your first love broke your heart… “Don’t cry.” And even as an adult when life throws you a curve ball… “Don’t cry.”

Don’t get me wrong… For the most part, I don’t remember hearing this in a reprimanding tone. It was always said gently and with love. It is a “normal” response, I suppose, when someone is crying. But, honestly, did it ever stop your tears? … Because it never stopped mine.

In fact, this week while watching TV, I heard a mother consoling her adult daughter with those exact words… and it made me think… Why? Why not cry? Why is it so wrong to cry as a response to hurt and loss? Why do we do that to each other?

I remember when Bruce died, people were patient with my tears for a little while… a very little while. After just a few short weeks, I started hearing the words “don’t cry” a lot. Most of the time it was said gently, and I knew it was meant to console. However, there were others who, I believe, were simply uncomfortable with the tears… or truly felt that it was downright wrong to cry. I heard it stated so many ways, such as:

“Don’t cry. You’re not the only one to ever lose someone.”
“Don’t cry. If you have faith, you should believe he’s in a better place.”
“Don’t cry. You can choose to feel better or have a better attitude.”
“Don’t cry in the office or in public. It looks weak.”
“Don’t cry. Be strong.”
“Don’t cry. What will others think?”

Good grief! What will others think? Wouldn’t they think I am sad because my husband died? Is that so bad?

If you listen closely to each of these reasons not to cry, shame is at the core. Which makes me wonder why shame become the tool used to dispel grief? What a crazy place this is when we believe there a time limit to tears of grief, and anything beyond that “limit” is wrong. Research has shown us that it is unhealthy to avoid or deny our grief. Yet, society still charges down the “be tough or be shamed” path.

I understand that my tears and grief may make some people uncomfortable, but maybe that is not my responsibility. Maybe that discomfort is created because in our culture most of us have never learned how to deal with grief. Instead. it is treated like a taboo topic… something that is definitely expected up to a point as ling as we don’t get carried away. If one grieves “too long,” shame will begin to seep into the picture.

Honestly, I have been frustrated for a long time with the reality of pushing my feelings down deep in order to make others more comfortable. However, it wasn’t until these last few weeks that I finally realized this shame aspect and how efficiently it works.

My first realization happened with my grandson. We were having a simple conversation about his day when suddenly he burst into tears about a recent loss that cuts deep into his core. We were in the car, and there wasn’t a lot I could do in the moment. As I reached out to hand him a tissue, I ALMOST said it… “Don’t cry, Baby. It will be okay.” But as the thoughts were forming in my mind, I stopped.

No… That was not what I wanted to say, nor what I wanted him to take away from our encounter. Instead, I told him, “It’s okay to cry, Baby. I know it hurts. You go ahead and cry… I’m here with you.” He’s only 7 so the tears didn’t last very long. Hopefully, however, he will remember that his feelings are valid, and it is okay to grieve his loss. As for me, all I could think was how I wished more people had allowed me that small bit of space… space to cry and grieve for a few moments when the pain of my loss crossed my heart.

My second (and more eye opening) realization came a day or two later. I was having one of “THOSE” days… One of those days when I missed Bruce beyond words. One of those days when the pain and grief felt all new and fresh, as if it had happened just yesterday. A day when I would have given my soul for just one more hug… one more smile. .. one more moment.

Yet as sad as I felt, I got up, got dressed and forced a smile to my face as I walked into my office. Only those closest to me could tell something was “off,” and only one or two actually knew what it was. As the day progressed and my mood started cycling lower and lower, I found myself shoving my emotions further and further down and trying to smile that much more. “Don’t let them see your pain today,” I thought. “Don’t cry.”

And I didn’t… Instead, I waited until I was alone in my car heading home… I waited until I felt “safe.” However, when I finally gave myself “permission” to cry, I found I couldn’t… not really. I was sad and I needed to work through all that stuff I had been shoving down all day, but somehow I still couldn’t allow myself to let go. Instead, I was talking myself out of it.

What if someone called and could hear it in my voice? What if someone saw me?
Then it hit me….Oh my gosh! I had let the shame behind all those “don’t cry’s” become so accepted and ingrained, I was doing it to myself! That was nuts! Good heavens! What shame is there in grieving? I know better! I know all those “don’t cry’s” are wrong. Instead, of “don’t cry,” we need to say…

“Go ahead and cry. This hurts… You’re the only one to ever lose this person in this time.”
“Go ahead and cry. Faith has nothing to do with it. God will hold you and comfort you. He understands your pain.”
“Go ahead and cry. You can choose your attitude, and today it is perfectly okay to choose feeling sad. You can choose to feel better or have a better attitude another day or another time.”
“Go ahead and cry in the office. It is not weak… It is honest and vulnerable… That takes real courage.”
“Go ahead and cry. That takes real strength.”
“Go ahead and cry. Who cares what others may think?”

This lesson has taken me a while, but I have finally realized that it takes more strength and courage to be honest about my grief than to hide it. There may even be a lot of people who will disagree… But I would bet most of them have never walked one step (much less a mile) in my moccasins (as the saying goes).

So… If there is one thing I have learned from all of this “don’t cry” business, it is this…

It is okay and normal to express grief with tears. It takes courage and strength to lay it out there for the world with no apologies. So… if you ever find yourself consoling someone or being consoled, drop the “don’t.” Instead,…

Go ahead and cry…

What about you? Did anyone ever tell you “don’t cry?” Are you still struggling with the shame of grieving past society’s “approved time limit?” Do you need support in that area? Or would you be willing to share your story or your thoughts?

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love and Grief… You Can’t Go Back

Come home…
Come home and hold me.
I am lost without you, my other half.
I search for you…
In the darkness,
In each room,
In each dream,
In each corner of my soul.
Please…
Come home.
~ Linda, November 2013

I wrote this poem 11 months after Bruce passed away. At the time, it was all I could think about. I wanted Bruce back. I wanted our life back. Day and night I prayed to wake up from the nightmare that had become my reality… But I never “woke up”… and Bruce never came back home. This was my life, and this was going to always be my life.

One would think that with time, those feelings would pass. I would eventually reconcile myself to “what is”… But I haven’t. Even now, several years later, I want him back… Each journal begins “Dear Bruce…” as if it is a long letter about my day to day happenings. Each day, I write to tell him how much I miss him and still love him… And I still ask him to “come home.” Each entry written as if one day he will read it… but I am well aware – he won’t.

This week as I scrolled through Face Book looking at what my friends and family around the world have been up to, I found myself looking at quite a few anniversary posts. I hate to admit it, but those are a struggle for me. It is a struggle because while I am truly happy for them, I find I am very sad for me… And a little jealous… (Embarrassing but true.)

These things just seem to stir up a miriad of questions for me. Things I don’t undertand and probably never will. Why did Bruce have to die? Why couldn’t we have grown old together? Why couldn’t we celebrate more anniversaries together? Why us?

So while it may sound crazy, here I am 3.5 years later still wishing I could wake up… still wishing this had never happened … still wishing I could go back in time… but knowing this is my reality… And a bit embarrassed to admit I still haven’t accepted it.

I know I’m not alone in my thoughts, though. I have talked to so many other widows and most of them will admit to the same thing. Why, then, are we too embarrassed to speak up? While I can’t talk for everyone, I know a big part of my hesitation comes from the culture around me.

I have found that most people want to help, but at the same time, most people don’t understand what I am going through. They mean well… They want to say the “right thing” and their hearts are in the right place… But the tendency throughout this ordeal has been to throw cliches in my direction…

“He’s in a better place.”
“He led a full life.”
“God has a reason.”
“God needed another angel.”
“Be strong. Don’t cry. Keep a stiff upper lip.”
” Praise God. Celebrate that he has gone on to a better place.”
“At least you can date and marry again.”
“This is just what was meant to be. All things must pass”
“Good thing you are strong enough to handle this.”
“The living must go on.”
“Get a hold of yourself. God will never give you more than you can handle.”
“Just give it time. If your faith is real, you will be okay.”
… and the list goes on and on

Here is the thing about cliches… they SUCK! They may sound good but they have absolutely nothing to do with reality.

If you have never experienced a deep loss such as that of a spouse or child, knowing what to say can be a struggle. As a culture, we want to say something that sounds encouraging. Since the cliches we have heard throughout our lives sound like wise advice, they will often come into play.

The interesting thing is I have never heard any of these cliches from other widows or widowers. Why? Because knowing and understanding the pain of grief requires first hand experience… and they have that. In fact, now I have that too… although I still wish I didn’t. With first hand experience, comes the knowledge that there are no “right words.” Just “being there” and showing you care means so much more than words could ever accomplish.

In the past, whenever I dared to mention that I wished I could go back in time or I wished Bruce were still here and those cliches were the answer, I would get angry or frustrated. Now, as time has passed, even though they bring no comfort, I’m learning to be okay with it. Now, I’m able to understand that their hearts are in the right place. So even if the words are terrible, I can be thankful for a heart that wants to help.

Nowadays, I want people to understand I will be okay… but “being okay” includes grieving the loss of “what was.” That pain will always be with me in some form or another. However, when the cliches come my way now, my response sounds more like a quote from The Grief Recovery Handbook by John James & Russell Friedman – “Grief is about a broken heart, not a broken brain.” Please, don’t feel like you need to fix me… just be with me a while.

As for me, while I wish otherwise, I really do know I can’t go back in time… I know Bruce is gone… I also know my life is moving forward… one small step at a time. I think Rob Bell sums it all up when he says…

“You don’t go back when it comes to suffering… You go through.”

And that is my plan each day… to be thankful for what was, acknowledge what is and accept my feelings as they present themselves… as I move through my grief and take the next step on my path…

I love the quiet before the world wakes up.
The stillness in the air
As if the entire world were holding its breath in anticipation
Of what this new day will bring.
~ Linda, September, 2013

What about you? Did you or have you struggled with accepting your loss? How did you come to terms with it? Or do you still need support in that area? Would you be willing to share your story or your thoughts?

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love and Grief… Be the change

“Be the living expression of God’s kindness;
kindness in your face,
kindness in your eyes,
kindness in your smile.”
~ St. (Mother) Teresa of Calcutta

I remember when this whole journey began. (3 years, 7 months, 23 days ago… but who’s counting?) At first, I was so raw… so numb… so lost. For the first few weeks, I felt like I was in a dream. This couldn’t be real… Surely, I was going to wake up at some point and everything would be as it was. (Except, I would be even MORE appreciative of the gift that was my husband.)

But, that didn’t happen… Life just kept moving forward… without my Bruce.

As the months passed, more and more people fell off the radar for one reason or another. Most things I read told me this was normal… to expect it… And even gave some explanations for why. Some couples would back away, because now I was not “a couple.” (Although, most widows will tell you, we still feel like “a couple.” According to what I read, other people would back away for any number of reasons, such as:

1. They felt I was doing so well, I didn’t need their support any longer.
2. They didn’t know how to offer more support.
3. They were tired or uncomfortable with the whole business.
4. Who knows!

To be fair, most people probably grow tired of the whole affair simply because they don’t understand it, (not because they are cruel). I may have felt stuck but their lives had continued to move on at full speed. At the time, however, I could not understand this. So as more months passed, and I watched more and more people walk out of my life… I began to feel hurt and angry. I had already lost my husband. Was everyone else going to abandon me too?

But there is a huge problem with that line of thinking… The more I focused on the hurt and negative feelings, the more negative things I found to upset me.

It didn’t take long for me to spiral down and become the very thing I never wanted to be – an angry, cynical woman. Life began to look bleak… It no longer held any hope. This attitude only increased my focus on the negative. Before I realized what was happening, my connections with other people almost stopped completely. I found myself only opening up to a very small handful of friends and family (who chose to love me despite my negative outlook).

About this time I found myself at my lowest I had ever been… I had given up on people and life… I had stopped caring… Life had taken on the form of waking up, going through the motions and sleeping. Then, waking up only to do all over again the next day.

At this point, I pulled out one of Bruce’s favorite CDs – Wayne Dyer’s, The Secrets of the Power of Intention. I did not know it at the time, but this would become my first step out of this downward spiral that had taken over my life. There was a lot of great information in this series, but the piece of information I needed to hear most was…

“When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.”

WOW! What a simple statement, and yet, how true! I had become completely focused on all I had lost (and was still losing)… on all the hurt and feelings of abandonment. Because of that, I had stopped noticing the good things all around me… the little blessings available in each moment. So this is where things started to change… And as I “changed the way I looked at things,” the way I viewed those things (as well as my life) began to change as well.

The next step was probably inevitable… I began to realize that if more people knew this, maybe our world would not be filled with so many hurt, offended, negative souls. But how could I use this knowledge and make a difference? I knew I can only change myself… How, then, could I make another change within myself, that might make a bigger difference in the world around me?

Then, I read a few writings from Ghandi, there was one which seemed to call out to me as the answer – “Be the change you want to see.”

WOW! (Again!) How is it the simplest statements have the most profound advice? And so it began, another change, another step. Now instead of wishing someone else would think more kindly, behave kinder, or speak with more kindness, I learned to observe, say nothing (the hardest part for me), and alter my own actions to reflect what I wanted to see instead.

These two changes in my thought patterns and behavior began to build on each other. The more I altered how I looked at things, the easier it became to actually be the change I wanted to see. And the more I worked on “being the change,” the easier it became to see others in a more positive light.

Through the past 3 years, 7 months and 23 days, I have found myself working my way out of that downward spiral. Believe me when I say it is still a process for me. However, while I have my moments when I forget to protect my attitude, I am continually doing better and better… When I find myself spiralling down, I am able to catch it sooner and turn it around. I know that when I remember to “be the change I want to see,” my whole viewpoint on life and people becames more positive as well…

When I remember that the divine energy within me can become a divine reality for someone else by simply being the love and acceptance I am seeking from the world around me, then I know my life has purpose again because I am able to make a difference.

Polish your heart
so that it reflects
God’s love
to the world around you
~ Linda, February 2016

What about you? Did you or have you struggled with frustration with the world around you? How did you come to terms with it? Or do you still need support in that area? Would you be willing to share your story or your thoughts?

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love and Grief… Feels a lot like whiplash

There is no “happily ever after.”
What happens is
You finally meet someone who loves you so much
They take your breath away.
And in a moment…
In that breath
They show you what love is
And who you really are.
Then in a flash…
In another unexpected moment
They are gone…
And you stand there,
Trying to comprehend something that can never be understood.
And inside…
You die, too.
~ Linda, July 2014

In the insurance world, whiplash is a common injury complaint from those involved in auto accidents. What exactly is whiplash? Well, it occurs when a person is traveling in one direction, but due to a sudden stop or change in direction, the person’s body is also forced to suddenly change direction. When this change occurs too quickly to control the body’s movements, the result can be a “sprain or strain” to soft tissue (usually the muscles of the neck and shoulders), aka – whiplash.

The injury itself is a little bit different from other injuries. For example, it can’t really be seen or proven. Only the person experiencing it knows how real and how painful it actually is. Because of that, other people may or may not believe it is real. In fact, most other people will have an opinion on how long it should take to heal. Yet, research shows us that the severity and time required to heal varies from person to person depending on several, different factors. The main factor, however, is how sudden or violent the change in direction actually was.

So by definition, whiplash is “soft tissue damage which is the result of a sudden change in direction.” Interesting…. because if someone were to ask me, I could define grief the same way – “Soft tissue damage (to my heart) which is the result of a sudden change in the direction of my life.”

I know that for myself, my… no, our life was moving in a wonderful direction. We had plans. We had dreams. We were happy. Then suddenly… in one short breath, everything changed. Bruce died… And with him, our plans, our dreams, and our happiness were suddenly gone. The direction of my life suddenly stopped. The resulting pain to my heart felt was as real as any physical injury, although no one could actually see it. There were times when my chest literally ached… times when I struggled to breathe… And none of this was figurative – It was real.

Just like a whiplash injury, no one could see my pain. I had no way to prove it, and to be honest, I wasn’t really inclined to do so anyway. Then to add to the pain, there were also plenty of people who were more than happy to tell me their opinion of my pain, such as how long it should take me to heal, how much they thought it hurt (or didn’t hurt) and how to “get over it.”

After the shock of the sudden, initial change in direction, I began to realize I had to pick my life back up and start moving again… only this time, my only choice was to go in a totally new direction. A direction I would have to travel alone… with my own plans, my own dreams and searching for my own happiness… There was no more “us,” “we” or “our.”

It has taken 3.5 years, but I can finally say that I am slowly learning to do this. There will be days… maybe even weeks (at this point) where I function quite well. I am able to smile and laugh. I can reach out to others to help and serve.

However, there can still be reoccuring pain, also. For example, this week has been one of “those weeks” that has held some of this pain for me. All week, I have fought and struggled not to let myself spiral down… I have struggled not to cry or dump my pain on the people around me. Why? Because I know that after this much time (3.5 years) combined with the fact that most people see me having more and more “good” days, I’m not convinced people will understand… and I don’t want to deal with their reactions on top of everything else.

Honestly, though, I know I shouldn’t let that get to me… That will only add to my frustration and my pain. Instead, I know what I need. I need to find some time alone… time to stop for a bit and let myself sort through my feelings, acknowledge them, and give myself permission to grieve and probably even cry a little.

Then… just like a whiplash injury, slowly and carefully, I can start to move again… being grateful and loving life once again.

What about you? Does any of this ring a bell with you, as well? Do you know also experience those days of reoccuring pain – when the grief hits you full force? Do you need support right now? Or would you be willing to share your story or your thoughts?

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief