Through this blog I have met (both virtually and physically) many other widows. The conversation each time is eerily similar to the topics discussed here… While my experience is mine, it is also very similar to thousands of other widows’ experiences… That is one of the reasons I started writing this… I needed to know and I wanted others to know that we are not alone, and our experiences are more “normal” than one could have ever imagined.
I have found over the last two years there is one consistent theme that can be very frustrating… The idea from others in our lives that we shouldn’t be sad. This can be worded many different ways and I have written about those before…
I have heard everything from “Don’t be sad…”
“… You’re not the only one to ever lose someone.”
“… He’s in a better place.”
“… You know you can choose to feel better or have a better attitude.”
“… It looks weak.”
“… Be strong.”
“… What will others think?”
But the craziest one is a form of “You have to stop being sad, because I (the other person) can’t handle it anymore.”
In the beginning, these phrases made me nuts… well, angry actually. I was grieving. I was sad. Why couldn’t people understand that and simply walk beside me for a while? A genuine, caring hug could go such a long way, but the only people who seemed to understand that were those who had walked this journey before me… And many times, the ones who understood this least were usually those closest to me.
As time has passed, I have come to realize that their reaction stems from several things but the two main components seem to be: 1 – They haven’t been where I am and have absolutely no frame of reference for the pain; 2 – It is a real struggle for them to watch someone they love hurt so intensely, while knowing they can’t fix it. In other words, it is a response born out of desperation and fear. I believe they aren’t as frustrated with me as with their own inability to “make it better.”
What they don’t realize (and why it hurts so badly on this end) is these responses completely invalidate our pain and our loss. There is something else they don’t realize. In fact, I just started to become of aware of it in the last few months…
Even when you get to the point where your grief is not the only emotion in your world… Even when you have learned to smile again, you realize that just because you are not sad all the time, it doesn’t necessarily mean you are happy. Simply put, despite what we learned as children, the opposite of sad is not necessarily happy. This particular journey in life is a bit different… It shakes you down to your core, and changes you in ways even you can’t understand.
So I propose something I learned from a Harvard psychology professor… the opposite of sad is not happy, it is simply “not sad.” Happy, on the other hand, is a completely different emotion – and it’s opposite would be… “not happy.”
Most people might argue this. However, a few will understand and most of those will be those of us who have experienced the grief of deep loss.
Before I lost Bruce, “happy” was my norm. Now, “happy” is an experience… “Neutral emotion” is my norm. For me that is my opposite of sad.
There are those around me who don’t understand this. Since “neutral” is not “happy,” they sometimes interpret it as “sad.” Perhaps, they have trouble understanding this because they want me to be as I was before. However, I can never be as I was before… I can’t un-feel this pain that has reshaped my life.
I am still me, but I am different now. Bruce will always be a part of me… and a part of me will always grieve his loss. Therefore, for me, I have learned that the opposite of sad has been simply learning to open my heart to other emotions…
It is learning to be at peace with “what is” rather than grieving for “what was.”
There is a peace that comes with acceptance.
And a love that is always remembered.
~ Linda, September 2013
What about you? Did you or have you struggled with other’s reaction to your loss? How did you come to terms with it? Or do you still need support in that area? Would you be willing to share your story or your thoughts?
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