When Bruce and I were married, he started every, single day the same way… a cup of joe, the current spiritual book of choice, and silence. From the beginning, he established that this time in the morning… This silent morning contemplation was how he grounded himself before starting his day. He wasn’t rude or demanding… It just was.
Then he died… And silence seemed to take over my world…
The Silence…
Without you, this house is so quiet,
It is deafening.
Even the thoughts in my own head
Can’t drown out the quiet.
It is always here –
Waiting to swallow my sanity.
~ Linda, November 2013
I remember… I was just starting out on this journey, and the silence really was almost deafening at times. I dreaded leaving the house because it was our space and I could feel him there. At the same time, I hated coming home because the silence was overwhelming.
I even found myself leaving the TV or radio on all the time, (even while I slept), to avoid the silence and feel just a little less alone.
I can’t tell you how hard the silence was on my soul… The silence left me with nothing but my own thoughts and that scared me… My thoughts were dark, and I could easily fall deeper and deeper into the muck.
It felt kind of crazy… After all, when the kids were little, I would relish even five minutes of silence, but that was different. That silence was a respite from the chaos of life. This new silence was not a respite… All it seemed to do was to increase my grief… as if that was even possible.
After a couple of years, one of my daughters and my grandson moved in with me for several years. Suddenly, the house was filled with the sounds of family and love… little boys and laughter… Those years were good for us, and I will always cherish those memories. Once again, silence was a rarity, and honestly, it was easily avoided most of the time.
After they moved out to build their own home, though, I began to find that the silence was a necessary part of my journey. It had taken years, but I was finally able to sit in the silence and process my grief and residual thoughts and emotions. It didn’t take long before I found that my day was much better when I started it in silence… In fact, I even found myself looking forward to the hour of quiet meditation and journaling each morning.
The week I spent at the spiritual retreat a couple of weeks ago, was built on the rhythmic practice of silence and contemplation. Approximately 16 hours a day was spent in silence… And I was in heaven. For me, the silence has become the anchor of my day, and 16 hours of it, left me feeling emotionally and spiritually stronger than I have in a long time.
Now, the silence no longer feels oppressive… Instead, it actually feels freeing. It is no longer a space where I feel lost, but instead, a space where I feel connected – to the Divine… and to Bruce… It is the space where I get to reconnect with my own soul and tune into “the song that is mine to sing”. It is the space where I meet myself again and again – each and every day.
At the time, I didn’t realize just how much Bruce’s spiritual practices were setting up camp in my soul, but I am so thankful they did… I had no idea just how much I would need these same practices to simply “be still and know” and to heal my soul…
Silence…
I come into the silence.
Here I find Presence;
Yet, everything is absent.
Here my heart is full;
Yet, this space is empty.
How is it possible to find everything my soul needs
In a space that holds nothing?
Yet, here is where I know
I am not alone.
~ Linda, May 2025
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Grief is a daily challenge. It changes us in ways we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone.
I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.
Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone.
Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*
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