Most of my adult life, I have been that person who would apologize for anything and everything. It was the example set before me in my childhood home, and one I carried with me into my first marriage. No matter what it was, if my first husband was upset or disappointed about something, I would apologize – even if I had zero involvement or control… Rain on a day he wanted to do something outside? I’m sorry. Bad service as a restaurant? I’m sorry. Bad traffic or long line at the drive-through? I’m sorry.
Eventually, because I found myself apologizing several times a day for things like this, it likely made any true apologies feel just as rote as these given out of fear. I can’t even say if it was based on habit or truly trying to console him at a time when his temper could/would flair. However, I do know that by the time we divorced, and I met Bruce, it was a habit… Perhaps a habit born out of fear or desperation, but a habit none-the-less.
Early on, Bruce pointed this out and worked hard to help me break that habit… mostly by creating an extremely safe space where I didn’t have to feel responsible for his happiness and where it was not just safe to express myself – it was encouraged.
My trust in Bruce and in our relationship did change – I learned to trust that it was okay for both of us to express ourselves without the other being responsible for those feelings. Admittedly, though, there were other relationships where this did not change… at least not right away.
Some of those relationships have changed over time, especially in the last two years and with lots of encouragement on their part. Other relationships have been lost – either because they tired of my apologies based on my own insecurities or because I have finally stopped apologizing for anything and everything, and, I suppose, they preferred me the old way.
Either way, I have rejoiced in those relationships that have blossomed, and I have grieved those I have lost… Which is my point today, I suppose… The grief of lost relationships when the other person is alive and well… Things simply didn’t work out. Both of us may have tried to figure it out and make it work, but somehow, we just couldn’t.
I can’t speak for them, but there is a sadness there that persists whenever I call them to mind… a definite hole in my heart that only fits them. Yet, I know I can’t go back to what was. It wasn’t healthy for either of us. Plus, the decision to move forward in the relationship depends on both of us having that mutual desire. So… THOSE relationships I grieve… I shed tears for what was and what could have been.
“Never apologize for crying over something that once made you believe in a future filled with love.” ~ r.h. Sin, The Year of Letting Go
At the same time, I know that learning to release that relationship is what is mandatory in this moment… Maybe there is hope for later, but not in this moment. However, releasing isn’t easy, is it? I don’t think so… Even when you know it is the right thing to do, it is still hard… It is still heart-breaking. So, I have found myself thinking back to Bruce and what I learned in that relationship that I can pull out of my hat now to help me past this newest challenge, and I came up with this…
One of the most important parts of a relationship, and the part that Bruce and I got right, is being with someone who is willing to match your effort in the relationship. Sometimes that means you are both “all in” all the time, and other times it might mean that one of you is carrying more of the load. However, that doesn’t mean that the same person is always carrying that load… That is unhealthy. Whereas, if it is a back-and-forth kind of thing, that is normal.
When I was apologizing all the time, I thought I was doing the right thing by carrying that load, and in some relationships, like my first marriage, I probably was. (Although, it was more about survival than relationship.) However, when the other person was willing and able to carry their fair share, my constant apologies (that had no need) more than likely tore us apart by leaving them out of certain aspects of the relationship, in a way. So, after a while they quit… and I guess, I don’t blame them.
Relationships are wonderful, and relationships are challenging. Sometimes, they just aren’t right, no matter how much you may want them to be. You may put tons of energy into them, but to no avail… and I think it is normal to grieve those, even as you release them. Other times, like my relationship with Bruce, you simply fit together from the very beginning, like two perfect pieces of a puzzle… which is probably why, even after all these years, I still grieve for him… and us.
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Grief is a daily challenge. It changes us in ways we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.
Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone.
Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you. Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*
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