Peace, Love & Grief – There is a peace that comes with acceptance, and a love that is always remembered

Peace, Love, and Grief – Twas the Week Before Christmas

I know that title sounds like the start of so many funny memes or GIFs that we see this time of year. However, each of us on this path knows that this time of year is anything but funny. Even the good days hold reminders that our loved ones are no longer here to enjoy the season, and somehow that can easily dim those Christmas lights and feelings of joy more than just a little bit.

I think it is probably a familiar experience amongst us that when that person we love with all our heart dies, something also dies inside us. Some of us may take longer to find our footing and others may find it right away… Still others may feel like they have found their footing somedays and not so much on other days. This time of year, seems to make that balance (for lack of a better word) even harder to find.

I have shared before that the first year, I ran away and hid down in the Keys to avoid the celebration. The next year, I did a little bit of celebrating. Then, when one of my daughters and my grandson moved in, I gained massive ground – mostly because of my determination to make his Christmases something to remember. Since then, I have actually (for the most part) looked forward to the holiday and spending time with those I love who are still around me.

I will always remember that second year, though, when I decided to put up the decorations and give this holiday a try. I remember opening the boxes that held all those ornaments and decorations – most of them from when the kids were little and each one with its own story.

I was actually doing pretty good. I wasn’t crying (that I remember). The tree was almost finished, when I opened another box looking for more ornaments. As soon as I opened the lid, an avalanche of tears poured down my face. There on top was Bruce’s stocking – white with red trim, a picture of a bear celebrating Christmas, and the word, “Dad” written in silver glitter along the top.

Bruce was a minimalist – not a “stuff” person. Months before, I had gone through his things – given away a bunch and packed up a select few that held precious memories to keep. Somehow, I had forgotten about the stocking.

When we were first married, his Christmas décor fit into one box and consisted of a tangle of lights, a nativity set, a Christmas quilt, and the stocking. That was it. I, on the other hand, had boxes and boxes of Christmas stuff, so much, in fact, his dad teased me for years about it.

But that stocking… It was totally Bruce.

Almost immediately, I went online to see what ideas other people had for “the” stocking. Should I hang it up? (How could I not?) If I didn’t, was there some other way to use it. I couldn’t bear the thought of putting it back in the box and leaving it there… forever… But would hanging it up make it awkward for others and/or a daily reminder that he wasn’t there to celebrate with me?

Finally, I came across an idea that felt right. One I have continued to do every year. I hung his stocking next to mine, as we had always done in the past. Next to it, I placed a pen and a small box of paper for everyone and anyone to write down a “Bruce memory” and place it in the stocking. Those memories remain there, and each year, I find some time alone to take them out and read them – smiling and crying all at the same time.

But that isn’t all…

No matter where I hang it… even if I switch places with one of the other stockings, something magical happens. Periodically, that stocking will start moving back and forth – slow, then fast, then slow. Yet, none of the other stockings move. I have turned off the AC. (Remember – Florida) Still it moves. Sometimes, I just stand there and wait… 99% of the time, it will start moving.

For me, that has come to be a sign from Bruce. A sign that he is still here with me. I am not alone. Maybe it is the energy of the love he left here or maybe it is him… I don’t know, and I don’t care. Since it is only his stocking and there doesn’t appear to be a physical cause that I can determine, for me, it will always be a sign from him.

… And as time has passed, it has become a reminder that our love is forever… Nothing has been lost – only changed… And that warms my heart with the joy of Christmases past, present, and future.

So, look closely for those signs… You may find a surprise meant just for you. And… may you have the happiest of holidays – wherever and whatever you are celebrating this time of year!
_________________________________________________
Grief is a daily challenge. It changes us in ways we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love, and Grief – Bittersweet Memories

Note: If you looked for me last week, I apologize. I was celebrating a birthday with my kiddos. Knowing how precious each and every moment can be, I chose to enjoy every moment making precious memories.

Last week, I was out running Christmas errands which took me 50+ miles from home. At dusk, I started making the trek back home. Christmas music played on the radio, while I made a mental list of all the things I still needed to do to get ready for Christmas. While I was still about 30 or so miles from home, I passed a Winn Dixie… While this is not where I do my grocery shopping, a memory of this specific store came flooding back into my mind… one that really could so easily be forgotten over time.

It was Christmas Eve 2012. I was already enjoying my Christmas vacation, but Bruce was finishing up his last day before we could enjoy a few days off together. I had spent the day wrapping presents and cooking – trying to complete all those last-minute things before Bruce got home.

I had finally finished all the things and, as I waited, I started a jigsaw puzzle to pass the time. About the time I would have expected Bruce to walk through the door, he called. He was sitting in a Winn Dixie parking lot. He had stopped to pick up some beer, but when he came back out, his truck wouldn’t start. He had fiddled with it, (but with no luck), and had already called a tow truck. Could I come pick him up, follow the tow truck to the repair shop, then bring us both home?

Not quite how I expected our Christmas Eve to go, but of course! So, I jumped in the car and headed out of town to meet him. Despite the 30-mile drive, I beat the tow truck, and we sat in the car eating WD fried chicken as we waited. When the truck finally came, Bruce and the driver took one more look and tinkered with the engine, before giving up, hooking up the truck and towing it to the nearest dealership.

It took about a week to get before the truck was fixed, and I drove him back to pick it up. Another week later… Bruce was dead.

It isn’t a memory with any huge significance. It was one of those inconveniences of life that just so happened to take place on Christmas Eve… Our last Christmas Eve… Maybe that is why it sticks out in my mind.

So, when I drove by that same Winn Dixie with Christmas on my mind, that memory instantly popped up in my mind… Our Christmas Eve dinner of fried chicken while sitting in my Honda waiting for a tow truck. His nonchalant way of dealing with something that very easily could have ruined his whole holiday… but no. He just shrugged it off as “one of those things”… No worries. I always loved that about Bruce… Nothing ever seemed to ruffle him. He not only took it all in stride… He could make it into something fun – a picnic on Christmas Eve with just us.

As all of the memories and feelings of that evening inundated my mind, the tears started to fall. I must admit, the whole thing had caught me by surprise. I drive by this Winn Dixie on my way to work and whenever I am running errands in this area.

I wasn’t expecting the memory or my reaction to it.

I turned off the radio for a few minutes and just let myself remember… The concern that his truck wasn’t working, and he was stranded, the laughter and warmth inside my car as we waited for the tow truck, and the way Bruce was determined that this setback was not going to set the tone for our holiday.

It isn’t a memory I think about very often. At the same time, I will always cherish that experience and the way he took something not so great and made it into a fun start to the holiday. I love that about him… Thank you, Babe, for being you, and for making sure that our last Christmas was a very Merry Christmas!
_________________________________________________
Grief is a daily challenge. It changes us we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief
* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love, and Grief – Grateful or Thankful

Well… We did it. If you are reading this due to a loss in your own life, then you know just how huge those 3 little words really are… We.did.it!

There have been so many years on this journey when I honestly didn’t know if I could survive the holidays without Bruce…

The first year, I simply ignored it completely. I couldn’t see past my own pain or fathom a celebration of gratitude or thankfulness… A world without Bruce held zero feelings of gratitude or thankfulness for me… There was not a cell in my body that wanted to spend the day celebrating anything… So, I didn’t.

For several years after that, I would spend the day with one of my kids and their families, but it felt so odd… I felt more like a stranger looking in on people I love and care about deeply. (Like Scrooge in A Christmas Carol) Seeing them smile and laugh made my heart smile – for them. I, however, was not so interested in participating at all.

After several years, most of my kiddos had moved close by. That, in and of itself, had a miraculous effect. Being near family whom I love with every fiber of my being seemed to “repurpose” my world. I wasn’t alone anymore. I had others to think about and respond to – day in and day out, which was a very healthy change. Plus, I had my grandson, who gave me a fresh view of the world – one of innocence and acceptance and just plain fun.

And so, each year became a little more tolerable… even a bit enjoyable… The miracles of time and love really can do wonders for a heart ripped to shreds by grief.

Soon, the kids and I established new traditions… definitely less traditional, yet also definitely US as a family. We started spending the actual day of Thanksgiving at one of the parks nearby and having our big meal on Friday. No shopping and, with so many of us, not a lot of cooking either. Just time together… Two days filled with laughing, playing, and simply enjoying this life we have been given.

This year, we were even blessed to spend our park day with Bruce’s youngest sister (although in my head she is my sister) and her family. How fun!

Despite age differences, political differences, and anything else that might divide us, this cup that I thought had gone dry so many years ago, totally overflowed with the love and fun we shared on Thursday. And even though Bruce hated roller coasters, I am absolutely sure that he was there amongst us – laughing and smiling at the love we still share.

So… am I feeling thankful or grateful for such a beautiful holiday? Well, according to the dictionary, thankfulness puts the emphasis on me and my feelings of being rescued from my grief. Whereas gratefulness puts the emphasis on others and how their actions have helped me.

I think this year I can honestly say that while I am thankful, I am absolutely filled with gratitude to all those who have been in my corner over this past year – so many of my family and friends who have gone above and beyond. Your love and support have turned situations that felt impossible into situations of gratitude and joy.

“Gratitude doesn’t change what we have in front of us; it changes the way we see what we have.”

~ Laurie Polich Short

Thank you for never giving up on me… I am thoroughly and incredibly grateful to each of you!
__________________________________________________
Grief is a daily challenge. It changes us we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love, and Grief – Always Looking

There are so many experiences and emotions contained in the experience of grief. Sometimes the idea that this little five-letter word contains so much within it is mind boggling.

Before Bruce died, I hadn’t had a lot of experience with grief. I didn’t grow up with pets. My grandparents had died in recent years, and while I was sad, they were older with health issues, and it was not unexpected. Losing Bruce, though, was a shock to my entire system… A loss that shook me to my inner-most core.

There were many days in the beginning, (okay – most days in the beginning), when I could not even begin to comprehend what had happened. The pain I felt was so great, I did not want to be here… not without him… not on my own. Surely if God was loving and merciful, he would take me too… Surely, he would understand that I couldn’t do this. For years, I just couldn’t shake the idea that this was a huge mistake.

To be honest, a lot of those same feelings still rattle my soul… even now. The only difference seems to be my ability to breathe and remind myself of all the good still surrounding me in this beautiful world of ours.

“Without you in my arms, I feel an emptiness in my soul.” ~ Nicholas Sparks, Message in a Bottle

That emptiness is a challenge – one I did not expect when Bruce died. Another thing I didn’t expect was the way I constantly found myself searching for Bruce whenever I was out. Big red semi-truck? Was he driving? White-haired muscular man standing a full head above the crowd? Was it Bruce?

Always, I was disappointed. Yet, I continued to look. It wasn’t on purpose. It wasn’t a conscious decision. It just was… and honestly, I can’t say it is really any different now.

A mannerism, a familiar haircut, a certain walk, or laugh, a certain type and color of truck or boat, a burgundy baseball cap, or even a certain beer… all of these things catch my eye and for a fraction of a second, my heart leaps – it’s him! It must be! …. Then, the ensuing disappointment, when the head turns, or I look into the face, and it isn’t him. There is no recognition or acknowledgement for either of us.

“I find myself searching the crowds for your face – I know it’s an impossibility, but I cannot help myself.” ~ Nicholas Sparks, Message in a Bottle

I don’t know why I do this to myself. I know it won’t be – can’t be him. Yet, my heart can do nothing else. I think my heart will always search for the familiar, and then, look twice to see if by some miracle, it is him. I don’t know how not to do this. It isn’t something I plan or think about, and I’m definitely not one to purposefully torture myself.

I have been doing this grief thing long enough to understand that my goals on this journey are not about forgetting or even resolving. Instead, my goal is to find a peaceful reconciliation with this life… and to be frank, I simply believe my soul will never know true peace until Bruce and I find each other again… in the next life.

“Death may indeed be final, but the love we share while living is eternal.” ~ D. Willimas, Jr

__________________________________________________
Grief is a daily challenge. It changes us we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love, and Grief – Worthy

Last weekend, my youngest came to spend a girls’ weekend with me and to celebrate my and Bruce’s anniversary. It was so much fun and such a blessing for my soul… And as I wrote last week, such a different experience this year in all the ways that are good. It was so fun to share memories of so many precious moments… no tears – just heartfelt love and laughter.

As the week progressed, I found myself thinking through those stories and something struck me like a splash of cold water…

Growing up in the church and throughout adulthood, the message that somehow engrained itself deep in my soul was – as a female, I am not worthy of being loved. I should keep my head down and accept whatever crumbs were tossed in my direction. There were so many ways this message was communicated, and it goes back as far as I can remember. I am not going to debate whether or not that was the intended message, because that doesn’t matter. It was the one I absorbed.

I believe it was that message that led me to have no self-esteem or confidence. It is the reason I tended to date and eventually married (the first time), boys and men who were cruel at best and violent at worst… I thought that was all I deserved.

It took me over 20 years in a home with that atmosphere, before I went to our family priest and said, “I can’t do this anymore. I have to go. If you tell me I can’t because the church won’t allow it or that I will go hell, I don’t think I care, because my kids and I are already living in hell.”

He didn’t say that, though. In fact, his response was one of the first times someone in authority within the church told me that I was precious to God. I was important to God, and God would never expect me to sacrifice myself or my children to someone else’s anger and lack of self-control.

I can’t even begin to tell you how shocked I was – how taken aback… Not just because he was “giving me permission” to leave, but because he wasn’t throwing the dogma at me that says, “As a woman, you are under the authority of your husband. Go home and be a better wife.” (Which is what I had been told so many times before by other women, other ministers, and even the few police that I had called on for help.)

At that point, a seed was planted. I didn’t even know it at the time, but it was there now… somewhere in the dark just waiting to be tended and encouraged… And along came Bruce – the first, truly, good man I had ever been with. I don’t know how, but it was as if he knew that seed was there, and he immediately started to show me how to tend to it.

He spent our entire relationship letting me know that I did not need to prove to him or anyone else that I am worthy of love… It was hard for me to believe that… It went against everything I had ever been led to believe.

He constantly found ways to let me know that he didn’t see my flaws; he chose to only see the best in me. Holy cow! That was the most amazing, freeing kind of love I have ever experienced. Suddenly, my opinions mattered. My thoughts were important. My feelings counted. I didn’t have to keep my head down and pretend to be “less than” in order to save his ego.

In fact, when his company closed overnight and I was the only one working for a couple of years, I was told by another woman that I needed to quit my job in order to save his “masculine pride”. Bruce put the kibosh on that immediately. I was no threat to him or his ego. We were truly partners – both equally important contributors to the relationship.

When he passed a few years later, I fell apart. I no longer had anyone telling me that I mattered… That I was lovable. Instead, all of the old messages came flooding back into my mind, and that small seed that had started to grow, shrank until I couldn’t seem to find it anymore.

Then about three years ago, I knew I couldn’t stay on the path I was on. I won’t say I was suicidal, because I didn’t have a plan or anything, but I definitely didn’t want to be alive… and that was scary. So, I did what I have done on and off through the years – I went to see a therapist… and she was great!

When I first went in, I told her that I thought I needed help with boundaries. It was something I had never learned to do, but I thought that might help me learn to love myself in some small way. She, however, changed the trajectory when she said, “I think, first, we need to help you figure out why you think you don’t deserve boundaries.”

MY GOODNESS! That was the exact can of worms I needed to be opened… For the next year and a half, she and I worked together to figure that out. That is when I realized how those earlier messages had been received by my little girl heart. Then, she moved me into a program to work on the PTSD I had been diagnosed with after my first marriage.

The program is called EMDR, and it is a therapy used to reprocess old traumas. This allows the person to move away from the posture of a victim. Instead, you learn to find your voice and your strength to overcome the event. I have to say, this has had the greatest effect on my growth and healing. We have spent this last year and a half working through event after event – each time I have left feeling stronger and more confident in myself as a woman… a woman who matters.

Then, this week, it finally dawned on me that this was exactly where Bruce had been leading me all those years ago… and that little seed he had tended so carefully… that one I thought had shriveled up and died with Bruce… It is still right here… in my soul… growing each day… and all because of a man who saw in me what I couldn’t… and then he chose to love it into existence.

I am forever grateful for that love… and I hope that every person reading this today, also, knows that you are also worthy of that same kind of love.
__________________________________________________
Grief is a daily challenge. It changes us we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love, and Grief – Real Loss and Progress

(Note: I apologize if I let you down last week. I skipped last week due to family visiting. One of those visiting here is not in great health, and as I am sure you will understand, I wanted to take in every precious moment of our time together.)

Generally, this time of year, from Halloween to mid-January, holds so many triggers and challenges. Every year, since starting this blog, I have written about it. Every year I have tried to use this space to download and work through all the emotional muck in an effort to battle the depression that seems determined to settle in for the next few months. Some years I am more successful than others, but still it has always been a battle… until this year.

This year feels different…

On Halloween, just a few days after writing and posting my last blog, I realized quite suddenly that I had not written my normal “this time of year is tough for me” blog. In fact, I wasn’t even feeling the need to write such a blog. Instead, my spirits were (and still remain) high. For the first time in over a decade, I am genuinely excited about the season ahead.

When I think about it, this seems so foreign… How can things have changed so much in the span of a year?

As I write this today, I find myself staring a few days ahead, knowing that our wedding anniversary is on Saturday. Yet, that thought isn’t bringing even the hint of tears. Instead, I find myself smiling at the memories – my heart bursting with the love we both felt and expressed on that cold, Michigan day so many years ago.

A lot of things have changed in my life since that day – especially this last year. I don’t think it was any one thing that has made the difference, as much as a combination of all the things – EMDR, talk therapy, relationship changes, meditation, new faith practices, … and probably time, as well.

That being said, it doesn’t mean I am no longer grieving. I am still grieving and probably always will. It just means my grief experience is different from what it was. I am still well aware of all I lost that January night.

I can still remember every moment of our last anniversary celebration, from the ride to and the restaurant to the taste of the food to the thrill I felt each time he touched my hand or kissed me. I had no idea what was waiting around the corner for us… All I could think about was how amazing it was that after so many years, I still got butterflies around Bruce… And how I wanted to feel that way forever.

Life, however, rarely goes as we plan… I suppose if it did, we might not learn and grow into the people we are meant to be.

In the movie, Good Will Hunting, Robin Williams’ character, Dr. Sean Maguire, says, “Real loss can only happen when you love someone else more than you love yourself.” For so many years, that notion would be enough to push me down the rabbit hole of depression. I related to it so deeply, it almost felt like permission to go there… and stay a while.

This year, though, I find myself nodding and thinking, “Exactly… and how blessed I have been to have known such a love… How even more blessed I am to know the love we share is not over… It lives on, not only in the energy I still feel from Bruce, but also in all of my other relationships.

His love is too strong to have died with him… rather his legacy of unconditional love lives on in each of us who know him… and is shared with all those we encounter, as well.

Happy Anniversary, Babe! I love you… I will always love you… and that’s forever!
__________________________________________________
Grief is a daily challenge. It changes us we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.

Peace, Love, and Grief – Healing

Grief is so complicated. Depending on where I find myself on this journey, the challenges are different. However, the thing that seems to be a constant is seeking some kind of healing from the pain. If I think about it, I suppose the things that I have found challenging along the way have helped me to get closer to that goal. After all, isn’t that what challenges do? Help us grow?

In the case of grief, though, there is also the underlying issue that no one else can take your hand and lead you… Each journey is unique unto that person and the relationship with the person who has died.

I have said before that I am a “list person”. Give me a list of tasks to reach my goal, and I will get there. I can do that. So, at the start of this whole messy journey, I went searching for just such a list. One where I could do A, B, and C, and pronto… all better – ready to move on.

I learned quite quickly, there is no such list for grief. Sure, I found lists of ideas that would help express my grief, and they did. But a list to follow and heal my grief? No… that list does not exist. So, if you are reading this, hoping I will give you that list, I apologize for disappointing you. Instead, my goal today is to simply introduce a phrase I am just recently learning to apply but that I wish I had heard sooner…

Is what I am doing sustaining my grief or alleviating my grief?

Let me give you an example… Normally, I love color… lots of color. Yet, when Bruce died, despite the eye rolls behind my back, I started wearing black… every day. It was a way of expressing the depth of my despair without saying a word… I didn’t have words yet. My pain was too raw… too intense… But the black I was wearing definitely reflected the darkness I was feeling. It helped… a lot.

When I was approaching the one-year mark, though, I started finding myself looking at some of my other clothes – the colorful ones. Then, in complete anger pushing them aside and choosing the black ones. Then, one day it dawned on me… Why not add a little bit of color and just see what happens?

I will tell you what happened… My mood shifted. You see, somewhere along the line, all of that black had shifted from being an expression of my pain to being a self-inflicted, “you-are-grieving” mandate of my grief. Quickly I came to realize that by no longer “draping myself in my grief”, I was internally giving myself permission to also accept the joy and happiness that life still has to offer.

In other words, somewhere along the line, all that black had moved from alleviating my pain to sustaining it… which was the exact opposite of what I needed… or wanted. I didn’t have the words to express or understand what was happening back then, but I still knew in my gut that it was no longer helping.

I think it was at that point I came to realize that I couldn’t hang onto each thing indefinitely that seemed to be helping in the moment. Instead, I need to evaluate (consistently) what is working and what is no longer working.

That hasn’t always been easy… No, let me rephrase that… It is never easy for me to let go of those things. There is always a part of me that feels guilty about letting them go. Somehow, it seems to feel like I am somehow letting Bruce go… again.

Like I said last week, finding that balance of honoring Bruce and what we had, while still moving forward and living the life I am called to live is hard. This “letting go guilt” is a big part of that. Each time, I question if I am somehow erasing him from history or my own memories, or I wonder if I live life like a “normal” person will people think I don’t care anymore or no longer grieve losing this man I profess to still love.

Like I said, it is a challenge.

I am learning that I need to forget worrying about what others may or may not interpret about my grief. That is their issue – not mine… And it is not healing. Instead, I intend to keep moving forward… and now that I have words with which to analyze what is happening, I feel a wee bit better prepared. This means I am stepping out these days and constantly looking at my actions and thoughts with those words…

… Is this alleviating my grief or sustaining it? Then, making the adjustments needed for my own healing on this path.
__________________________________________________
Grief is a daily challenge. It changes us in ways we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.

If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. Please do… We are here for you. This is our community. (To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*)

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love, and Grief – The Battle with Balance

This morning, I saw a friend’s post. All it said was “Grief is hard.” She is so right, and my heart broke for her. It has been almost 12 years since Bruce died, and I still feel this to my core… Grief.is.hard.

I know we all experience grief differently. No two grief experiences are the same, even within our own lives. The way we grieve for one person will not be the same for another. Our grief will vary between losses – sometimes a lot and sometimes a little. However, since no two relationships are exactly alike, our grief experiences will follow suit.

For me, one of the hardest challenges of grief has been finding the balance between the sadness I feel over the loss, the desire to honor the life Bruce lived, and the reality that my life is still moving forward… without him.

“Through my remembrances, I keep their unique contributions to my life and the world alive.” ~ The Daily Word, Sept – Oct 2024

I still talk about Bruce… I love to share stories about him, especially the ones that make me laugh all over again. From silly arguments and embarrassing situations to those heartfelt conversations whispered in the dark as we lay in bed. All of these stories make me smile.

“… I keep the best of those I’ve known and loved close to my heart.” ~ The Daily Word, Sept – Oct 2024

For years, while I loved those stories, I quite often found myself struggling to balance all of the emotions. The stories themselves made me smile, and the reality that we would never again create anymore memories together would throw me into depression, which could last for days or even weeks.

As time has passed, (and with the help of some wonderful therapists), I have gotten better at finding and maintaining a balance. I have learned that, for me, it is best to focus on the happy stuff – the smiles, the laughter, the love – rather than focusing on what is gone and all that I lost when Bruce died. I’m still working on this… It is still a challenging process, but I have definitely made great strides over the last couple of years.

“Release is not about losing the past. It is about embracing the present and eagerly welcoming the future.” ~ The Daily Word, Sept – Oct 2024

At this point, I can honestly say that I am excited about my future again. It makes me smile to make plans… long-range plans… and to step up and step out, even when it is scary. Over these past couple of years, I have discovered a faith that truly fits me. I have moved my career field to a new line of business. I have learned to manage home and auto repairs. Despite being quite the introvert, I have stepped out and made new friends. In other words, I am learning to embrace the fact that while life has changed so much over the last decade, I know without a doubt, there is so much more to come.

Finding that balance while grieving hasn’t come naturally for me. It has been a process – a long, tough journey. Yet, I am making it. I am doing okay… maybe even better than okay. I am learning to find the balance which enables me to embrace my future… And I can’t think of anything that would honor Bruce and his legacy more than that.

“I bless the past… I welcome the future.” ~ The Daily Word, Sept – Oct 2024
__________________________________________________
Grief is a daily challenge. It changes us we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love, and Grief – When a Sign is Not a Sign

When Bruce first died, I remember begging him not to leave me… I couldn’t see how to do life without him… I didn’t even want to try for a very long time. From the beginning, the signs that Bruce left for me made it possible for me to keep going – one day at a time.

By the time I was diagnosed with cancer, (several years later), I had taken my wedding ring off and was wearing it on the chain with Bruce’s wedding ring around my neck. Suddenly faced with the prospect of some pretty scary treatment options, I found myself longing for Bruce. I couldn’t imagine how I was going to go through all of that stuff by myself… without him… It felt impossible.

So, while I continued to wear his ring on the chain, my rings went back on my finger. I just needed to feel like he was there with me through all of it. Physically, my sister selflessly went with me to every appointment, treatment, surgery, and recovery. I couldn’t have done it without her by my side. The rest of my comfort I drew from remembering the love Bruce and I shared. I could feel him with me, as well, throughout all of it.

The next year, I was diagnosed with another cancer. I was beginning to wonder if this was going to be a “rest of my life” kind of thing. I was frustrated and tired. I wasn’t sure I had the mental strength to do it again… Somehow, I could feel Bruce and I knew I could… and I did.

That’s the way it has been… I have challenges in life (like everyone else). Somehow, though, I always feel Bruce’s strength and love with me through whatever challenge I am facing… I never truly feel alone.
As I shared last week, I am often hesitant to share the details around the signs from Bruce… to talk about the signs… the energy shifts… the ways I know it is him, because it sounds a bit crazy. I know this… At the same time, I also know how common it is for a lot of us. That is why I want to share my “signs” story from this week.

Here in Florida, this is hurricane season. Not trying to jinx a good thing, however, where I am located seems to be magical – as if it has a bubble over it. Local legend says that is why NASA is here. There is something about the way the winds blow over this town… They seem to push the worst of the storms either north or south of us.

Last weekend when the news about Milton started taking shape, we started thinking about what kind of preparations to make. I have ridden out a couple of CAT 1 hurricanes here by myself, and this time, my son was going to be here with me. He is “Mr. Chill” about everything, while I tend to go too far into my emotions. As a result, we seem to balance each other out quite well. Therefore, the idea that Milton would be a CAT 1 or 2 when it passed overhead seemed doable.

We did all the recommended things – put up storm shutters and sandbags, made sure we had everything charged and extra batteries on hand, bought plenty of groceries, moved the porch furniture inside, and hunkered down to wait it out. As night fell and the storm made landfall, my son went on to bed, while I settled myself on the couch with the news on… That was where I planned to spend the overnight hours – dozing and watching the progress of the storm.

As I lay there watching the news, (even though I know they tend to over-sensationalize everything storm related), I started feeling fear drip into my soul. All the “what-if’s” started playing through my mind at break-neck speed. In an effort to reign that in and settle my mind, I closed my eyes and took a few long deep breathes, before saying out loud, “Bruce… I don’t know where you are right now, but I sure wish you were here. I could really use a hug, and to hear you whisper that it’s all going to be okay.”

As I opened my eyes, I noticed that the curtains next to me were moving… and I smiled… I needed to know Bruce was with me, and there was my sign. I knew it was all going to be okay… I wasn’t alone.
I closed my eyes and drew in another breath… Peeked to make sure the curtains were still moving, (which they were), and fell sound asleep. I didn’t hear another thing until my alarm went off the next morning. The storm was still going on outside, but inside, we were safe and dry…

Now… I have always been one to test each and every sign to see if it is real or not. As I sat there staring at the curtains – no longer moving at this point, I started to wonder if something had made the curtains move. The AC was my thought, but the only vent pointing into this room was so far away… Plus, the angle was off.

However, I knew I needed to test it. So, I turned the thermostat down and waited for the unit to kick on. Sure enough, it took a minute or two, but the curtain started to move just as it had the night before. It wasn’t Bruce or energy shifting. It was just the way the air flows around the furniture and the corners of the room.

I smiled to myself… no, it wasn’t a sign… Then again, what I needed in that moment was comfort… and comfort was exactly what I received. So, maybe it doesn’t really matter if something can be proven or disproven, as long as the result is one that brings peace to my soul when I need it.
__________________________________________________
Grief is a daily challenge. It changes us we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love, and Grief – Signs of Love

I am often hesitant to share stories about signs I receive from Bruce. While I know in my heart and without a doubt the signs are from him, I am also well aware that to many people they will sound like I am off my rocker. At the same, I also know I am not the only one… Many of you have privately shared stories of signs from your loved ones and the absolute love you feel in those moments.

Today, I want to share one such story (with permission). I have known Sharon for years. She is a wonderful, positive, and loving person – always thinking of others… always ready with a joke and a smile. When she recently lost her father, my heart broke for her. Yet, this story (in true Sharon style) brought a smile and the warmth of love to my day…

In Sharon Spungen’s own words…

“Starting the new year with a hug from dad and a dash of hope.

Got up this morning in plenty of time to get to temple early to rehearse with the choir. But as I looked around in a panic, I realized… I could not find my tallis.

I usually wear the one we got our sons for their bar mitzvahs… it has rainbow stripes, and I love the bright colors and positive energy that comes from thinking of my boys.

But today? As hard as I looked… I couldn’t find it. Anywhere. And yes, I know I have a lot of brightly cored rainbow things in my house. I get that. But this tallis that I just wore a few weeks ago for a student’s bar mitzvah? Where on earth could I have put it???

Frustrated, and now late, I checked the one place I had always kept it… and there like a sign… was Dad’s tallis. Opening it felt like a trip down memory lane. There were kippot from life events… my bat mitzvah, weddings <of those we love> and handwritten notes on dad’s Torah portion. I sat… and sobbed.

And when I walked into the rehearsal, late with tear-stained cheeks and still snuffling, wearing Dad’s tallis and kippah, I explained to all why… and Cantor said …. and I quote, “Your Dad has you covered.” And he was so right.

Wearing his Tallis was wearing a hug from him. I am pretty sure he chuckled at our chipmunk, and I would like to think he would have approved of my singing.

It was my first Rosh Hashanah without him. Last year at this time I couldn’t imagine a world without him in it. Now it is the reality I have to face. Unataneh Tokef hit hard.

But. When I came home and walked into my room… there sat the rainbow tallis as visible as could be on my desk. I think he knew I needed his presence today.

May this year bring peace to all. Lshana Tovah.”

Rereading and sharing this here makes me smile and feel all that loving energy all over again. I love that our loved ones can reach out and still make us aware of their presence and their love. Thank you, Sharon, for sharing that love with us today!
__________________________________________________
Grief is a daily challenge. It changes us we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief