Peace, Love & Grief – There is a peace that comes with acceptance, and a love that is always remembered

Peace, Love, and Grief – Worthy

Last weekend, my youngest came to spend a girls’ weekend with me and to celebrate my and Bruce’s anniversary. It was so much fun and such a blessing for my soul… And as I wrote last week, such a different experience this year in all the ways that are good. It was so fun to share memories of so many precious moments… no tears – just heartfelt love and laughter.

As the week progressed, I found myself thinking through those stories and something struck me like a splash of cold water…

Growing up in the church and throughout adulthood, the message that somehow engrained itself deep in my soul was – as a female, I am not worthy of being loved. I should keep my head down and accept whatever crumbs were tossed in my direction. There were so many ways this message was communicated, and it goes back as far as I can remember. I am not going to debate whether or not that was the intended message, because that doesn’t matter. It was the one I absorbed.

I believe it was that message that led me to have no self-esteem or confidence. It is the reason I tended to date and eventually married (the first time), boys and men who were cruel at best and violent at worst… I thought that was all I deserved.

It took me over 20 years in a home with that atmosphere, before I went to our family priest and said, “I can’t do this anymore. I have to go. If you tell me I can’t because the church won’t allow it or that I will go hell, I don’t think I care, because my kids and I are already living in hell.”

He didn’t say that, though. In fact, his response was one of the first times someone in authority within the church told me that I was precious to God. I was important to God, and God would never expect me to sacrifice myself or my children to someone else’s anger and lack of self-control.

I can’t even begin to tell you how shocked I was – how taken aback… Not just because he was “giving me permission” to leave, but because he wasn’t throwing the dogma at me that says, “As a woman, you are under the authority of your husband. Go home and be a better wife.” (Which is what I had been told so many times before by other women, other ministers, and even the few police that I had called on for help.)

At that point, a seed was planted. I didn’t even know it at the time, but it was there now… somewhere in the dark just waiting to be tended and encouraged… And along came Bruce – the first, truly, good man I had ever been with. I don’t know how, but it was as if he knew that seed was there, and he immediately started to show me how to tend to it.

He spent our entire relationship letting me know that I did not need to prove to him or anyone else that I am worthy of love… It was hard for me to believe that… It went against everything I had ever been led to believe.

He constantly found ways to let me know that he didn’t see my flaws; he chose to only see the best in me. Holy cow! That was the most amazing, freeing kind of love I have ever experienced. Suddenly, my opinions mattered. My thoughts were important. My feelings counted. I didn’t have to keep my head down and pretend to be “less than” in order to save his ego.

In fact, when his company closed overnight and I was the only one working for a couple of years, I was told by another woman that I needed to quit my job in order to save his “masculine pride”. Bruce put the kibosh on that immediately. I was no threat to him or his ego. We were truly partners – both equally important contributors to the relationship.

When he passed a few years later, I fell apart. I no longer had anyone telling me that I mattered… That I was lovable. Instead, all of the old messages came flooding back into my mind, and that small seed that had started to grow, shrank until I couldn’t seem to find it anymore.

Then about three years ago, I knew I couldn’t stay on the path I was on. I won’t say I was suicidal, because I didn’t have a plan or anything, but I definitely didn’t want to be alive… and that was scary. So, I did what I have done on and off through the years – I went to see a therapist… and she was great!

When I first went in, I told her that I thought I needed help with boundaries. It was something I had never learned to do, but I thought that might help me learn to love myself in some small way. She, however, changed the trajectory when she said, “I think, first, we need to help you figure out why you think you don’t deserve boundaries.”

MY GOODNESS! That was the exact can of worms I needed to be opened… For the next year and a half, she and I worked together to figure that out. That is when I realized how those earlier messages had been received by my little girl heart. Then, she moved me into a program to work on the PTSD I had been diagnosed with after my first marriage.

The program is called EMDR, and it is a therapy used to reprocess old traumas. This allows the person to move away from the posture of a victim. Instead, you learn to find your voice and your strength to overcome the event. I have to say, this has had the greatest effect on my growth and healing. We have spent this last year and a half working through event after event – each time I have left feeling stronger and more confident in myself as a woman… a woman who matters.

Then, this week, it finally dawned on me that this was exactly where Bruce had been leading me all those years ago… and that little seed he had tended so carefully… that one I thought had shriveled up and died with Bruce… It is still right here… in my soul… growing each day… and all because of a man who saw in me what I couldn’t… and then he chose to love it into existence.

I am forever grateful for that love… and I hope that every person reading this today, also, knows that you are also worthy of that same kind of love.
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Grief is a daily challenge. It changes us we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love, and Grief – Real Loss and Progress

(Note: I apologize if I let you down last week. I skipped last week due to family visiting. One of those visiting here is not in great health, and as I am sure you will understand, I wanted to take in every precious moment of our time together.)

Generally, this time of year, from Halloween to mid-January, holds so many triggers and challenges. Every year, since starting this blog, I have written about it. Every year I have tried to use this space to download and work through all the emotional muck in an effort to battle the depression that seems determined to settle in for the next few months. Some years I am more successful than others, but still it has always been a battle… until this year.

This year feels different…

On Halloween, just a few days after writing and posting my last blog, I realized quite suddenly that I had not written my normal “this time of year is tough for me” blog. In fact, I wasn’t even feeling the need to write such a blog. Instead, my spirits were (and still remain) high. For the first time in over a decade, I am genuinely excited about the season ahead.

When I think about it, this seems so foreign… How can things have changed so much in the span of a year?

As I write this today, I find myself staring a few days ahead, knowing that our wedding anniversary is on Saturday. Yet, that thought isn’t bringing even the hint of tears. Instead, I find myself smiling at the memories – my heart bursting with the love we both felt and expressed on that cold, Michigan day so many years ago.

A lot of things have changed in my life since that day – especially this last year. I don’t think it was any one thing that has made the difference, as much as a combination of all the things – EMDR, talk therapy, relationship changes, meditation, new faith practices, … and probably time, as well.

That being said, it doesn’t mean I am no longer grieving. I am still grieving and probably always will. It just means my grief experience is different from what it was. I am still well aware of all I lost that January night.

I can still remember every moment of our last anniversary celebration, from the ride to and the restaurant to the taste of the food to the thrill I felt each time he touched my hand or kissed me. I had no idea what was waiting around the corner for us… All I could think about was how amazing it was that after so many years, I still got butterflies around Bruce… And how I wanted to feel that way forever.

Life, however, rarely goes as we plan… I suppose if it did, we might not learn and grow into the people we are meant to be.

In the movie, Good Will Hunting, Robin Williams’ character, Dr. Sean Maguire, says, “Real loss can only happen when you love someone else more than you love yourself.” For so many years, that notion would be enough to push me down the rabbit hole of depression. I related to it so deeply, it almost felt like permission to go there… and stay a while.

This year, though, I find myself nodding and thinking, “Exactly… and how blessed I have been to have known such a love… How even more blessed I am to know the love we share is not over… It lives on, not only in the energy I still feel from Bruce, but also in all of my other relationships.

His love is too strong to have died with him… rather his legacy of unconditional love lives on in each of us who know him… and is shared with all those we encounter, as well.

Happy Anniversary, Babe! I love you… I will always love you… and that’s forever!
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Grief is a daily challenge. It changes us we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief
* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love, and Grief – Healing

Grief is so complicated. Depending on where I find myself on this journey, the challenges are different. However, the thing that seems to be a constant is seeking some kind of healing from the pain. If I think about it, I suppose the things that I have found challenging along the way have helped me to get closer to that goal. After all, isn’t that what challenges do? Help us grow?

In the case of grief, though, there is also the underlying issue that no one else can take your hand and lead you… Each journey is unique unto that person and the relationship with the person who has died.

I have said before that I am a “list person”. Give me a list of tasks to reach my goal, and I will get there. I can do that. So, at the start of this whole messy journey, I went searching for just such a list. One where I could do A, B, and C, and pronto… all better – ready to move on.

I learned quite quickly, there is no such list for grief. Sure, I found lists of ideas that would help express my grief, and they did. But a list to follow and heal my grief? No… that list does not exist. So, if you are reading this, hoping I will give you that list, I apologize for disappointing you. Instead, my goal today is to simply introduce a phrase I am just recently learning to apply but that I wish I had heard sooner…

Is what I am doing sustaining my grief or alleviating my grief?

Let me give you an example… Normally, I love color… lots of color. Yet, when Bruce died, despite the eye rolls behind my back, I started wearing black… every day. It was a way of expressing the depth of my despair without saying a word… I didn’t have words yet. My pain was too raw… too intense… But the black I was wearing definitely reflected the darkness I was feeling. It helped… a lot.

When I was approaching the one-year mark, though, I started finding myself looking at some of my other clothes – the colorful ones. Then, in complete anger pushing them aside and choosing the black ones. Then, one day it dawned on me… Why not add a little bit of color and just see what happens?

I will tell you what happened… My mood shifted. You see, somewhere along the line, all of that black had shifted from being an expression of my pain to being a self-inflicted, “you-are-grieving” mandate of my grief. Quickly I came to realize that by no longer “draping myself in my grief”, I was internally giving myself permission to also accept the joy and happiness that life still has to offer.

In other words, somewhere along the line, all that black had moved from alleviating my pain to sustaining it… which was the exact opposite of what I needed… or wanted. I didn’t have the words to express or understand what was happening back then, but I still knew in my gut that it was no longer helping.

I think it was at that point I came to realize that I couldn’t hang onto each thing indefinitely that seemed to be helping in the moment. Instead, I need to evaluate (consistently) what is working and what is no longer working.

That hasn’t always been easy… No, let me rephrase that… It is never easy for me to let go of those things. There is always a part of me that feels guilty about letting them go. Somehow, it seems to feel like I am somehow letting Bruce go… again.

Like I said last week, finding that balance of honoring Bruce and what we had, while still moving forward and living the life I am called to live is hard. This “letting go guilt” is a big part of that. Each time, I question if I am somehow erasing him from history or my own memories, or I wonder if I live life like a “normal” person will people think I don’t care anymore or no longer grieve losing this man I profess to still love.

Like I said, it is a challenge.

I am learning that I need to forget worrying about what others may or may not interpret about my grief. That is their issue – not mine… And it is not healing. Instead, I intend to keep moving forward… and now that I have words with which to analyze what is happening, I feel a wee bit better prepared. This means I am stepping out these days and constantly looking at my actions and thoughts with those words…

… Is this alleviating my grief or sustaining it? Then, making the adjustments needed for my own healing on this path.
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Grief is a daily challenge. It changes us in ways we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.

If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. Please do… We are here for you. This is our community. (To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*)

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love, and Grief – The Battle with Balance

This morning, I saw a friend’s post. All it said was “Grief is hard.” She is so right, and my heart broke for her. It has been almost 12 years since Bruce died, and I still feel this to my core… Grief.is.hard.

I know we all experience grief differently. No two grief experiences are the same, even within our own lives. The way we grieve for one person will not be the same for another. Our grief will vary between losses – sometimes a lot and sometimes a little. However, since no two relationships are exactly alike, our grief experiences will follow suit.

For me, one of the hardest challenges of grief has been finding the balance between the sadness I feel over the loss, the desire to honor the life Bruce lived, and the reality that my life is still moving forward… without him.

“Through my remembrances, I keep their unique contributions to my life and the world alive.” ~ The Daily Word, Sept – Oct 2024

I still talk about Bruce… I love to share stories about him, especially the ones that make me laugh all over again. From silly arguments and embarrassing situations to those heartfelt conversations whispered in the dark as we lay in bed. All of these stories make me smile.

“… I keep the best of those I’ve known and loved close to my heart.” ~ The Daily Word, Sept – Oct 2024

For years, while I loved those stories, I quite often found myself struggling to balance all of the emotions. The stories themselves made me smile, and the reality that we would never again create anymore memories together would throw me into depression, which could last for days or even weeks.

As time has passed, (and with the help of some wonderful therapists), I have gotten better at finding and maintaining a balance. I have learned that, for me, it is best to focus on the happy stuff – the smiles, the laughter, the love – rather than focusing on what is gone and all that I lost when Bruce died. I’m still working on this… It is still a challenging process, but I have definitely made great strides over the last couple of years.

“Release is not about losing the past. It is about embracing the present and eagerly welcoming the future.” ~ The Daily Word, Sept – Oct 2024

At this point, I can honestly say that I am excited about my future again. It makes me smile to make plans… long-range plans… and to step up and step out, even when it is scary. Over these past couple of years, I have discovered a faith that truly fits me. I have moved my career field to a new line of business. I have learned to manage home and auto repairs. Despite being quite the introvert, I have stepped out and made new friends. In other words, I am learning to embrace the fact that while life has changed so much over the last decade, I know without a doubt, there is so much more to come.

Finding that balance while grieving hasn’t come naturally for me. It has been a process – a long, tough journey. Yet, I am making it. I am doing okay… maybe even better than okay. I am learning to find the balance which enables me to embrace my future… And I can’t think of anything that would honor Bruce and his legacy more than that.

“I bless the past… I welcome the future.” ~ The Daily Word, Sept – Oct 2024
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Grief is a daily challenge. It changes us we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love, and Grief – When a Sign is Not a Sign

When Bruce first died, I remember begging him not to leave me… I couldn’t see how to do life without him… I didn’t even want to try for a very long time. From the beginning, the signs that Bruce left for me made it possible for me to keep going – one day at a time.

By the time I was diagnosed with cancer, (several years later), I had taken my wedding ring off and was wearing it on the chain with Bruce’s wedding ring around my neck. Suddenly faced with the prospect of some pretty scary treatment options, I found myself longing for Bruce. I couldn’t imagine how I was going to go through all of that stuff by myself… without him… It felt impossible.

So, while I continued to wear his ring on the chain, my rings went back on my finger. I just needed to feel like he was there with me through all of it. Physically, my sister selflessly went with me to every appointment, treatment, surgery, and recovery. I couldn’t have done it without her by my side. The rest of my comfort I drew from remembering the love Bruce and I shared. I could feel him with me, as well, throughout all of it.

The next year, I was diagnosed with another cancer. I was beginning to wonder if this was going to be a “rest of my life” kind of thing. I was frustrated and tired. I wasn’t sure I had the mental strength to do it again… Somehow, I could feel Bruce and I knew I could… and I did.

That’s the way it has been… I have challenges in life (like everyone else). Somehow, though, I always feel Bruce’s strength and love with me through whatever challenge I am facing… I never truly feel alone.
As I shared last week, I am often hesitant to share the details around the signs from Bruce… to talk about the signs… the energy shifts… the ways I know it is him, because it sounds a bit crazy. I know this… At the same time, I also know how common it is for a lot of us. That is why I want to share my “signs” story from this week.

Here in Florida, this is hurricane season. Not trying to jinx a good thing, however, where I am located seems to be magical – as if it has a bubble over it. Local legend says that is why NASA is here. There is something about the way the winds blow over this town… They seem to push the worst of the storms either north or south of us.

Last weekend when the news about Milton started taking shape, we started thinking about what kind of preparations to make. I have ridden out a couple of CAT 1 hurricanes here by myself, and this time, my son was going to be here with me. He is “Mr. Chill” about everything, while I tend to go too far into my emotions. As a result, we seem to balance each other out quite well. Therefore, the idea that Milton would be a CAT 1 or 2 when it passed overhead seemed doable.

We did all the recommended things – put up storm shutters and sandbags, made sure we had everything charged and extra batteries on hand, bought plenty of groceries, moved the porch furniture inside, and hunkered down to wait it out. As night fell and the storm made landfall, my son went on to bed, while I settled myself on the couch with the news on… That was where I planned to spend the overnight hours – dozing and watching the progress of the storm.

As I lay there watching the news, (even though I know they tend to over-sensationalize everything storm related), I started feeling fear drip into my soul. All the “what-if’s” started playing through my mind at break-neck speed. In an effort to reign that in and settle my mind, I closed my eyes and took a few long deep breathes, before saying out loud, “Bruce… I don’t know where you are right now, but I sure wish you were here. I could really use a hug, and to hear you whisper that it’s all going to be okay.”

As I opened my eyes, I noticed that the curtains next to me were moving… and I smiled… I needed to know Bruce was with me, and there was my sign. I knew it was all going to be okay… I wasn’t alone.
I closed my eyes and drew in another breath… Peeked to make sure the curtains were still moving, (which they were), and fell sound asleep. I didn’t hear another thing until my alarm went off the next morning. The storm was still going on outside, but inside, we were safe and dry…

Now… I have always been one to test each and every sign to see if it is real or not. As I sat there staring at the curtains – no longer moving at this point, I started to wonder if something had made the curtains move. The AC was my thought, but the only vent pointing into this room was so far away… Plus, the angle was off.

However, I knew I needed to test it. So, I turned the thermostat down and waited for the unit to kick on. Sure enough, it took a minute or two, but the curtain started to move just as it had the night before. It wasn’t Bruce or energy shifting. It was just the way the air flows around the furniture and the corners of the room.

I smiled to myself… no, it wasn’t a sign… Then again, what I needed in that moment was comfort… and comfort was exactly what I received. So, maybe it doesn’t really matter if something can be proven or disproven, as long as the result is one that brings peace to my soul when I need it.
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Grief is a daily challenge. It changes us we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love, and Grief – Signs of Love

I am often hesitant to share stories about signs I receive from Bruce. While I know in my heart and without a doubt the signs are from him, I am also well aware that to many people they will sound like I am off my rocker. At the same, I also know I am not the only one… Many of you have privately shared stories of signs from your loved ones and the absolute love you feel in those moments.

Today, I want to share one such story (with permission). I have known Sharon for years. She is a wonderful, positive, and loving person – always thinking of others… always ready with a joke and a smile. When she recently lost her father, my heart broke for her. Yet, this story (in true Sharon style) brought a smile and the warmth of love to my day…

In Sharon Spungen’s own words…

“Starting the new year with a hug from dad and a dash of hope.

Got up this morning in plenty of time to get to temple early to rehearse with the choir. But as I looked around in a panic, I realized… I could not find my tallis.

I usually wear the one we got our sons for their bar mitzvahs… it has rainbow stripes, and I love the bright colors and positive energy that comes from thinking of my boys.

But today? As hard as I looked… I couldn’t find it. Anywhere. And yes, I know I have a lot of brightly cored rainbow things in my house. I get that. But this tallis that I just wore a few weeks ago for a student’s bar mitzvah? Where on earth could I have put it???

Frustrated, and now late, I checked the one place I had always kept it… and there like a sign… was Dad’s tallis. Opening it felt like a trip down memory lane. There were kippot from life events… my bat mitzvah, weddings <of those we love> and handwritten notes on dad’s Torah portion. I sat… and sobbed.

And when I walked into the rehearsal, late with tear-stained cheeks and still snuffling, wearing Dad’s tallis and kippah, I explained to all why… and Cantor said …. and I quote, “Your Dad has you covered.” And he was so right.

Wearing his Tallis was wearing a hug from him. I am pretty sure he chuckled at our chipmunk, and I would like to think he would have approved of my singing.

It was my first Rosh Hashanah without him. Last year at this time I couldn’t imagine a world without him in it. Now it is the reality I have to face. Unataneh Tokef hit hard.

But. When I came home and walked into my room… there sat the rainbow tallis as visible as could be on my desk. I think he knew I needed his presence today.

May this year bring peace to all. Lshana Tovah.”

Rereading and sharing this here makes me smile and feel all that loving energy all over again. I love that our loved ones can reach out and still make us aware of their presence and their love. Thank you, Sharon, for sharing that love with us today!
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Grief is a daily challenge. It changes us we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love, and Grief – What’d You Say?

There are so many times, (especially as I grow older), when someone is talking to me, and I respond with “What’d you say?” … Usually followed by something like “I can’t/didn’t hear you” or “I couldn’t hear you over the ____”. (Anyone else have that experience?) Either way, with my hearing what it is, unless you are facing me and within 5 – 6 feet, I’m not going to get the message; we have to try again.

So then, what about when the universe is trying to tell me something?

Well, have you ever had one of those moments when you feel like the universe is trying to get a message across? Yea… me too… Quite often actually. With each challenge, (once I catch my breath), I am constantly thinking, “Okay… What is the lesson here? What am I supposed to learn from this?”

OR… Have you ever felt like you must have missed the message because suddenly it feels like the universe is screaming at you? Yep… me too… And last Sunday was one of those days…

Often, I have written about my spiritual journey and how Bruce’s spiritual journey has greatly influenced my own. I think one of the biggest ways he has influenced my faith is this simple thought… Is it better to have questions that can’t be answered, or answers that can’t be questioned?

That simple question has guided so much of my journey. I think I will be forever grateful to Bruce for showing me that not only is it good to question the religious status quo, it is the only way to grow spiritually.

Sunday morning as I sat down for my meditation time, I started as I always do with a simple breathing meditation to quiet my mind and find that deep connection to the Divine within. From there I moved to a simple prayer which I pray each morning for all those I love and have loved in the past, for all those I will connect to that day – both physically and mentally. I pray that each one will know health, prosperity, peace of mind, and a meaningful life. I pray that God will create a clear mind and an open heart in me so that I can see each person as their highest self.

Then, I just sit… and listen… and breathe. Thoughts float in and out of my mind like leaves floating on a river stream. I may notice each one as it passes, but I don’t spend any time with it. This morning though, the same thought kept coming back over and over – “Thoughts, words, and actions” … No matter how many times I noticed and released them, back they came – relentless in their determination to be heard.
After a while, I moved on to my devotional, and wouldn’t you know it, the affirmation was “My thoughts, words, and actions affirm wholeness.” Alrighty, then… that was odd.

From there, I moved on to another book that I am reading. This one was talking about the Autumn Equinox as a time when the light and dark are equal – just like us, and how we are called to continue integrating Divine love into, (you guessed it), our thoughts, words and actions… Okay, this was becoming more than a little bit curious.

Next, I opened up the lesson I am reading in A Course in Miracles, only to find, “… the ego’s wishes out of which darkness and nothingness arise…” Good grief! I hear you, universe… Now what?

Well, by this point, I am sure we all know that couldn’t possibly be all the universe had to say on the topic. So, as I went on to look at another book – one on health, the author spoke about the importance of holistic health, and how our thoughts affect our words, which in turn affects our actions and health.

It’s funny, though, none of this is new to me. I have facilitated a course on resilience many times and the premise is exactly this… Our thoughts create our words and emotions which in turn create our actions. If we want to change our actions, we have to first step all the way back to the beginning and change our thoughts.

Of course, to do that means I also have to stop gathering “evidence” in my everyday interactions that support the thoughts I am working to change. Whew… that is a lot to think about so early in the morning.

As I sat there contemplating all of this, I realized that this message applies to so many different areas of my life. In fact, I can’t think of an area where it is not applicable.

For example, I have always felt that my purpose here on earth is to love. That’s all… It’s that simple… To simply show the world around me that each and every person is worthy of love and kindness. If someone isn’t interested or at a point where they can’t accept that, it’s okay. That is up to each individual.

My purpose is to simply recognize and connect to the Divine in each person I encounter and to offer love… To show each person that they are worthy of love simply because they exist… Because we are all part of the Divine Creator… and no one is left out.

Yet, since that is already something I am working on, that couldn’t be the message… there had to be more…

Last week, I wrote about grief and learning to reframe the story… Maybe I still have work to do on reframing my thoughts to adjust my focus – allowing me to see and experience this life and this world. Maybe when I reframe my thoughts, then it is natural that my words and actions will follow… Then the story of loss and grief for what is no longer becomes a story of joy for all the experiences that once were.
That’s all true… That is still something I am working on, but is there something more?

I spent the morning (and the following mornings) thinking of something I have been struggling with for months. I have been reading books and talking about this in therapy. I have even discussed this with my spiritual advisor… and that is boundaries. You see, I was never taught to have boundaries. We weren’t allowed to say “no” to adults growing up, so understanding how they work has become a mission and a process.

This Is my struggle…

I truly believe I am called to love. My faith tells me to love and forgive everyone. So… How do I love people, while at the same time being realistic enough about behaviors to set and maintain boundaries… I mean, sure we can say that everyone has the Divine within, but sometimes it is hard to see or find… I know this firsthand. I have experienced abusive and toxic behaviors from people – even people I love. (And I am just as sure there are times when someone may feel the same way about me.)

First, I think I need to be clear about why we establish boundaries in the first place. (I need to get my thoughts in order.) From what I understand, boundaries are actually about love… They help me to respect both myself and the other person. So… Love needs to be the thought and driving force behind that boundary.

Next, I need to realize that love isn’t always about giving in or allowing any and all behaviors. Like a parent (who loves their child), I need to recognize unhealthy behaviors. A loving parent doesn’t let a child who doesn’t know any better call all the shots. Parents understand that they need to lovingly set up boundaries which creates a safe space for the child the grow.

That means, I need to inspect my thoughts and make any needed adjustments. I need to ensure that my thoughts are those of simple recognition – not judgement or anger or blame. Then, I can more easily determine if my boundaries are punitive or protective. Punitive boundaries are not loving or healing. Protective boundaries offer both.

Even if reconciliation is not a current possibility, it is never completely off the table. Maybe we are in different places on our journey and reconciliation needs to be in mind only. That’s okay… that is still a step in a healthier direction.

Now, after days of mulling all this over, I still want to ask, “What’d you say?” … But I won’t because I know…

I know that we all go through crap, and each person’s journey is unique to them. I know that we all need a safe space to work through this crap, and without that, we may never achieve the peace for which we long. I know that I want to adjust my thoughts, words, and actions to create that safe space… I don’t want to be someone who digs in her heels – determined my way is the right way… That only creates division – not safety… not trust… and definitely not love.

I know this is possible because I have experienced it… with Bruce. Bruce created a beautiful legacy of being wise with his thoughts… purposeful with his words… and mindful with his actions… and I think the universe is calling me to do the same.
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Grief is a daily challenge. It changes us we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love, and Grief – Learning to Reframe the Story

Grief is a journey that is greatly affected by our past experiences. That isn’t just me talking; multiple books I have read on the topic say this over and over. The sources state that the way we are raised to think about ourselves, our relationships, and loss itself all influence our grief journey – not just this specific loss.

I know for me the goal I felt was set before me both at home and at church was to strive to be perfect. A couple of things about that… First, it was my own interpretation of the message – not the message itself. Second, I knew that it was an impossible goal. No one is perfect. In fact, not being perfect… making mistakes, has been one of the best ways I have grown and developed. It is how we learn – through our mistakes.

Growing up, though I didn’t understand that, and as a result, my self-esteem sank lower and lower. Before long, I felt completely unworthy of being loved, which resulted in me tolerating several abusive relationships, including my first marriage. Whenever things grew out of hand, I would easily convince myself that I didn’t deserve any better.

This continued until it reached a breaking point… A point where I didn’t care if I went to hell for leaving – dogma I no longer prescribe to. In my mind, I was already there… and so, I took the kids and left. I had no idea where I was going to go or how I was going to provide for my kids, but I figured it could be any worse.

It took a while but in time, things began to get sorted… And while the abusive, angry behavior never fully stopped, it was no longer in my face. (And over time, I have learned to ignore most of it.) Then, after three long years, our divorce was finally done, and I could breathe a little bit easier.

It wasn’t long after our divorce that Bruce walked into my life. The love that he showed me was complete and unconditional – something I had never believed in or experienced before. My mother told me that she was praying for me to meet someone who would love me like that – someone who loved me as Christ does… And Bruce was definitely that person.

Because of his unwavering love and belief in me (and us), my self-esteem grew. Bruce showed me that self-love is not selfish. In fact, it is required if you want to truly love another, because you can’t give away what you don’t have. Also, if someone loves you, they do not want you to be any less “you”. Rather, they will celebrate you – all of you… the good, the bad, and the crazy.

Those few short years together were amazing. I learned so much about love and relationships… peace and wisdom… and trust. (That was a BIG one for me.) Bruce always said I did the same for him… That I made him want to be a better man.

Like I said – it was an amazing time for both of us.

Then, in a moment, he was gone… One minute kissing and holding me in bed, and a few short hours later – gone. No warning – total shock. In that short span of time, my whole world collapsed. Everything I thought I knew and trusted disappeared. Suddenly, I found myself thrown back (emotionally) in time to that same space where I was nothing… I deserved nothing… I was worth nothing.

The grief I felt seemed to have no end. I couldn’t go back… and I struggled to go forward. I felt like I was in limbo… Bruce was gone, but I needed him too much to let go. That went on for years.

Last year, though, I heard something that changed my perspective… I was listening to a speaker who said that when people struggle to move on after a loss, it is often because their grief… their pain… has become their only connection to the person who died. There is a fear that if the grief and pain are the only things still keeping them connected, what will happen if they let it go?

That hit me full in the face. Yes, I was making slow and steady headway, but I really was scared to completely let go of all those feelings. My grief had somehow become a part of who I was, and now it was a part of my and Bruce’s relationship. Was that really what I wanted? No… It wasn’t.

I knew I didn’t want that… But what could I do to change it?

Reframe the story… not necessarily “our” story… but “my” story – my story that is still happening. But what does that even mean? Reframe the story?

Well, for me, it has meant moving my focus away from the pain and grief that I feel for Bruce. (I still feel it, but it isn’t my focal point.) Instead, I am learning to focus on the respect, love, joy and positive emotions that were the foundation of our relationship. It is about remembering the good… the things that made me look forward to waking up each morning and being blessed with another day to love this man. It is about retraining my mind to think of the memories that make me smile rather than the loss that can so easily feel overwhelming and un-survivable.

It hasn’t been easy. For whatever reason, science tells us that our brains tend to attach more easily to the negatives than the positives. Yet, it is the positives that make life worth remembering and living. So… whenever I find myself triggered or in the middle of a wave of grief, I know to take a moment to breathe. Then, I am able to remind myself to focus on the good – even if it is just one memory and it only creates a tiny spark of joy in that moment… Let me assure you – that tiny spark feels way better than any amount of grief and pain.

So, that is how I am reframing the story. That is how I am learning to still be connected to Bruce… and at the same time, still live the life I have been given.
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Grief is a daily challenge. It changes us in ways we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that can feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love, and Grief – Perspectives

“The state of your life is nothing more than a reflection of the state of your mind.” ~ Wayne Dyer

… A state of mind… Our perspective… It is something we don’t spend a lot of time contemplating. Yet, it controls everything around us… or at least, it controls how we experience everything around us.

At the beginning of this journey, when Bruce first died, all I could think about was how he was gone. Everything in my world was filtered through a lens of grief, loss, pain, and (if I am honest) self-pity. If I saw a couple fighting, I wanted to shout at them to stop. After all, there was no guarantee that they would both still be here in the morning. If I saw a couple holding hands or kissing, I was jealous. Why did they still get to be together, while Bruce and I weren’t. It didn’t seem fair.

But it wasn’t just that… Holidays and normal days, waking and sleeping – no matter what was happening, the “spin” my brain applied had more to do with Bruce being gone than what was actually happening around me. I somehow lost my ability to just enjoy life as it comes. All I could think about was my loss and so that was how I viewed and experienced life.

Was it helpful? Heck, no! Was it a normal reaction? Absolutely!

It took me a long time, though, to realize exactly how much that perspective was hurting me. It wasn’t just my clothes that were black; it was my whole outlook on life. Even now, I know that when I get triggered and a wave of grief comes flooding into my soul, I have to be very careful not to let it take over how I view everything else. Otherwise, I find myself spiraling down, because the more I focus on my pain, the more my pain becomes all I can see.

It is a vicious space to find yourself in and unless you realize it, you will remain there… and it takes a lot of self-discipline to fight that urge to wallow there and instead focus on the good.

“If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.” ~ Wayne Dyer

This morning when I opened Facebook, the first two posts were from friends whom I have gone to church with, prayed with, loved and cared about. We have different political views, but that doesn’t mean either of us are bad or wrong… We just have different life experiences that have led us to differing opinions. I can respect that. We don’t have to agree.

Why? Because my focus isn’t on our differences. My focus is on the love and friendship we share with each other. My focus is on the Divine in each and every one of us that (in my view) connects all of us to each other.

What hurt, though, is that it would never occur to me to say the things to them that they were saying to me. Granted, it wasn’t a personal message with my name on it. However, these messages were directed at everyone and anyone who isn’t in agreement with them. That makes no sense to me.

It didn’t change my mind. However, it did cause me to flinch on the inside, and honestly, it felt just plain mean. (Not a word I would use to describe either of these people.) How can someone say that their faith calls them to love, then turn right around and say things that are anything but loving?

I found myself asking what happened to the love between friends? Respect for others’ experiences? Compassion for things we may not understand because we’ve never been forced to deal with it? An appreciation for hard choices that (thankfully) weren’t ours to make?

Gone… All of it seems to be gone.

How did we get to this place? I believe a big piece of that puzzle is (as I said in the beginning) our perspective… our focus… Because when we only focus on our differences, suddenly those differences are all we can see, and – right or wrong – that is what we act on.

I can’t imagine living in a world where everyone thinks alike… where all opinions are the same… where there is only room for one way of thinking. I would hate that. I am so thankful for all of my life’s experiences – even that hard ones… even the awful ones. Each of those has broadened my world and opened my eyes.

It’s funny… I didn’t always think that way. I spent most of my life surrounded by people who looked like me, prayed like me, and thought like me… which led me to believe that my thoughts and opinions were the right ones.

Then I met Bruce… sweet, wonderful Bruce. His opinions were not always in line with mine. I can’t tell you how many times I found myself trying to change his mind so he would see things the “right way” … Yet, through it all, he was so patient.

I remember one day as we discussed a sensitive topic, he asked how much I truly knew about the opposing views. It wasn’t a challenge. It was an honest question.

Had I ever actually listened – really listened – as someone explained their thoughts and views? Not simply hearing words and comparing them to my own thoughts… then, ultimately thinking of all the ways they were wrong. In other words, I wasn’t really listening. I was only waiting for my turn to respond. He was asking me to just let go for a moment and listen – without judgement… without formulating a response… to just a focus on them and all the experiences behind the words.

While I wanted to say that I had, I knew that I hadn’t… Not really… not enough. Then he talked about how important it is to listen to all the sides… to get a true and firm idea of where they are on their journey, whether I agreed or not wasn’t the point. The point was that while neither person is likely to change their mind, listening to each other allows us to draw closer in understanding and compassion… In other words, it alters our focus so that we can at least find our similarities and/or understand why we each think differently.

At that point, the focus is no longer on who is right or wrong, but on how we can move forward together… It is about adjusting our perspective so that our interactions are ones that build each other up – not tear each other down.

As time passes, I have come to understand more and more what he was saying (and modeling). Other opinions aren’t a threat – they are simply expressions of where each of us are currently on our journey… And each person’s journey is unique to them.

For example, now I find that I like people who offer other ways of thinking. I learn a lot about myself and the world around me when my perspectives are (respectfully) challenged. It might be hard to hear, and I may or may not understand or agree. However, usually… hopefully… we both leave that conversation a little bit wiser and a little more compassionate.

All that to say this…

“What you choose to perceive, you project out towards others. Your brother or the world you perceive to be outside yourself, acts as a mirror and reflects back what you originally projected out. Since thoughts are things, if you see your brother as handicapped, he will be handicapped. If you see him as hateful, he will be hateful. <Your> ways of seeing your brother reflects how you see yourself.” ~ ACIM, Note #25 (Thomas Wakechild)

There are a lot of things I have learned from Bruce through the years – some while he was alive and some after he died. At this point, I would say this idea of being aware of my focus and how it affects my perspective on everything else has probably had the biggest impact on my life… And for that, I am exceedingly grateful.
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Grief is a daily challenge. It changes us we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

Peace, Love, and Grief – Grief

Did you know that there are different types of grief? Seriously, there are! According to the internet, they are Normal grief, Anticipatory grief, Complicated grief, Sudden loss grief, Disenfranchised grief, Secondary grief, and Anniversary grief.

How crazy does that sound? It sounds ridiculous to me… grief is grief. In my opinion, when we start categorizing grief, that means we are comparing grief… And when we compare grief, we are judging it… We are deciding, which is worse? Which is harder? Which is more valid?

That is ridiculous… Just stop!

Sure, there are different triggers or ways that grief enters and presents itself, but the bottom line is – it is all grief. It all hurts. All of it is challenging.

So, let’s start at the end of the list and work our way forward…

Anniversary grief. This is referring to the anniversaries that we hold dear in relation to the person we lost. This includes the grief we feel as the day approaches, as well as the grief on “the day”. And there is the grief that lingers after. This isn’t just the first year. It is every year. It is still grief… Still hard.

Then there is Secondary grief. This is referring to the side losses… the other relationships in our life that are now changed due to that loss. For some that may be readjusting, or (for example) it could be the relationship with your in-laws. In other words, it is about how this loss affects your other relationships. These changes tend to be more gradual – changing over time… However, it is still grief (although with another relationship) … Still hard.

Next comes Disenfranchised grief. This is referring to a death where society may not understand the relationship, such as a pet or someone who has been ill for a long time. Usually this means grieving alone and without support. This sounds terrible to me… and… It is still grief… Still hard.

Then there is Sudden Loss. This is about a loss that is completely unexpected. More often than not, this involves some type of trauma. There is shock surrounding the entire event – a struggle to understand and/or accept the loss. While I believe this has been my experience, it is still grief… Still hard.

Complicated grief is next. This is grief that is intense and ongoing. This grief may make simple daily tasks seem impossible and may require therapy. Also keep in mind that grief does not have a timeline. Everyone is different, so give yourself grace to heal. Still… this is grief… And VERY hard to work through.

Anticipatory grief is next. This occurs before the actual loss. In other words, it is the grieving that starts when someone we love is facing death. In these situations, the grieving process is long since it starts before the loss occurs and continues after they are gone. The person left behind grieves twice. I have not been through this, but people I love have (or are currently experiencing this) and… It is grief… It is hard.

Finally, there is Normal grief… What?? Normal?? Grief is not normal. It is awful! References say this is “the typical reaction a person has to loss”. Please tell me which two people have experienced grief the same… No one! Grief is as individual as each of us. The references say that with normal grief, the emotions are high at first, then the person goes “back to their everyday normal life”. That is the dumbest thing I have ever heard! Your life will never be the same. Granted, it will go on. It will be what you make of it… But it will not “go back” to “everyday normal” life. This is still grief… It is still hard.

Sometimes I think the people who write this stuff are too far removed from the whole experience to truly understand what they are saying. At the same time, I get it. As humans, we want to put things into nice, neat categories that we can understand. However, grief is so individual that it cannot be placed into nice, neat boxes and categorized. That is why it is such a challenge.

So, let’s just be honest enough to say that grief is grief, and it is hard (period).
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Grief is a daily challenge. It changes us we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.