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Peace, Love and Grief… Things You Taught Me, Part 2

As I mentioned last week, I went on a spiritual retreat a couple of weeks ago on the coast of Georgia. That week of quiet and deep self-reflection was such a blessing… I think the last time I felt so much healing in my soul was when Bruce was here… When he was such a vibrant part of my life… As I stated, I hope you will continue to humor me as I share a little bit more of what I experienced there and the impact it has had on my grief for Bruce and my on-going journey…

To give you a little bit of background, while I was baptized in the Methodist church as an infant, I actually spent my childhood and teen years in the Southern Baptist church and most of my adult life as a Roman Catholic. My experience in both was mostly one of religious rules and exclusivity… a “believe or burn” mentality. My experience was one of fear and distrust, but I didn’t know there was anything else out there. I knew I wasn’t perfect, but I thought I was doing okay… That is until Bruce died.

Then, I found I had a religion that couldn’t stand up to my questions… My world fell apart… How could a God who loved me, give this wonderful gift of a man and then just as quickly take it away? Why?

I wasn’t equipped with any real answers to that question, and so I become angry… very angry. My orderly world no longer made sense… The “Sunday School” answers weren’t enough… And I struggled. However, on this end of the story, I can tell you, that is a good thing, because I was forced to look at my faith and determine what I really believed, versus what I had been told to believe. It took me a long time, but day by day, I reassembled my faith from the ground up.

The funny thing is Bruce would never have told me what to believe or not believe. Instead, the way he chose to live his life and the legacy he left behind is really what helped me more than anything I had learned in my fifty years of religious practices. While Bruce’s death is probably the worst thing I have ever had to endure, it is also the thing that forced me down this path.

Last week I talked bout a dream I had early in this grief journey, in which Bruce told me that God is nothing like the God I had been taught to believe in all those years. God is so much more… But I still had so many unanswered questions…

Day 2 Reflections:
Hi Babe,

Wow! My mind is BLOWN! I swear it feels as if the speakers here have peered into my head and found all the crap… All the stuff that has been an obstacle with my faith… and now they say, “Nope, that really is crap… Let it go!” To take away the hierarchy of the trinity and temper all their qualities with love is what I have dreamed of… what I have needed… what you always lived… But I never knew how to articulate it.

When you died, I was so absolutely angry with God! Why didn’t he use his “power” to save you? Why did I have to be the one to fail at your CPR? What was the wisdom in that?

All my life I knew I had made mistakes, but I had asked for forgiveness – no! I had said I was sorry… I had never asked for forgiveness. I thought forgiveness had to come by proving how sorry I was. By proving I was worthy of it – by being devout enough… But I was told that God couldn’t love me or forgive me, because I didn’t understand “my place” … My lifestyle wasn’t “Christian enough.”

So, I learned to be quiet… Then, I stopped praying… Then, I stopped listening… Then, you died, Babe… And I was alone… all alone, and oh, so mad. There was nothing to love about God; nothing to trust. That is until you started me on my true spiritual journey, which has led me here… to this day and this class.

I feel so validated! I wanted to jump up in class this today and shout, “Did you hear this?! This is the good news! This is the most wondrous and exciting thing I have ever heard and understood!” The idea of the trinity – NO! The reality of the trinity being a balance of male/female, power, wisdom, goodness, and truth – all tempered in love… in all parts of the trinity in all things at all times is beyond my wildest thoughts!

This means I am in God (at all times), and God is in me (at all times), and God is in everything and every moment (at ALL times).

Do you realize what this also means???

God was with us, Babe, the night you died… God was in my tears and my horror as I watched you die in my arms. And God was in my anger… He held me when I railed against him and loved me when I cursed him. He held me tight when I begged him to take me too… But the problem wasn’t him… or me. It was my understanding of a gap between us that I couldn’t cross, and I felt like he refused to try… What a horrible thought. No wonder I was so angry.

And now, today, to realize there is no such gap… “There is no reality that is separate from what He created” ** … and “All shall be well, and All shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well.” *** This makes me feel hope.

I still grieve for you, Babe. I still don’t understand – but I trust God does care and loves me… Not only that, but more… Those are still “separation” thoughts. There is no separation – He is in me – experiencing all I have and will experience, just as much as He is in each tree and blade of grass. We are all his creation – we are all Him… We are all enfolded in his love and goodness, protected by his power and led by his wisdom.

What great news! Thank you, Babe for leading me here!

The healing that came in these days is amazing and powerful, as I came to realize so much of what Bruce had been trying to tell me all along. There was so much he showed me while he was here. Yet, it wasn’t until after his death that I finally “heard” him. He left a legacy that I am still unraveling and is still influencing my life… that is a blessing I never expected or knew could exist!

What about you? Have you ever found yourself reading their books, listening to their music or the things that influenced their lives? What have you learned? This journey can be so very hard, but it is even harder to bear alone. I believe we are in this together. None of us are alone, because we have each other. Please feel free to reach out and share your story or thoughts. To do so, go to the comments and leave a note. *
Who knows? Your story may the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

** Roberta Bondi

*** Julian of Norwich

Peace, Love and Grief… Things You Taught Me, Part 1

I spent this last week at a spiritual retreat on the coast of Georgia. What a blessing! It was a week of quiet and deep self-reflection. It was a time to think and process without all the noise of daily life and routines… And more important, it was a week of healing. Over the next few weeks, I hope you will humor me, as I share some of what I experienced there and how it has impacted my grief for Bruce and this path we call life…

I spent most of my life caught up in a religion of rules and exclusivity… A religion of “believe or burn” … a religion of fear and distrust… At least, that was the way I experienced it. While I had made my fair share of mistakes, I thought I was doing okay… I was trying to be “devout” and do the “right things.” Then Bruce died, and my world fell apart…

How could a God who loved me, give me this wonderful gift of a man and then just as quickly take it away? Why would he do that? What kind of love is that?

I struggled with those questions (and more)… My grief journey soon included not only my grief for the loss of Bruce, but also, a grief for the loss of my faith. Bruce was gone… My faith and trust in God were gone. I wanted Bruce back more than anything else, but my faith wasn’t something I wanted to think about… I was done.

However, several months later, I had a dream – a dream that started this journey and led me back home to a place in my soul where I had never been before.

Day 1 Reflections:

Hi Babe,
I am supposed to be thinking about whether or not I believe God made me for himself, and if I believe God is big enough for me… That is a big question.

Years ago, I would have said, “No.” After you died, the God I had been taught to believe in was not enough… because I was not enough. I didn’t believe he loved me as I was… And that led to more confusion. I couldn’t understand why he made me (or any of us) at all, if he couldn’t love me as he made me (flawed and imperfect). If I can love my own child – flaws and all, why couldn’t he do the same with me? So, no… I didn’t trust him – not at all.

Then in a dream, you told me, “God is not the God of your parents. He is so much more… And he loves you. He created all of you… each part, and he loves all of you.”

It took me years to move past a concrete religion to a spiritual faith… And you led me there, Babe. Through your legacy, you led me to speakers and books that slowly showed me a different way to believe in God. Now… finally, your statement made early in our relationship makes sense… “Yes,” you said, “I am a Christian, but not in the same way you are.” At the time, I prayed for your soul… When honestly, you had the answer I needed.

Thank you for being my teacher, especially over these past six years.

Dear God, my love,
Thank you for this morning. Thank you for a faith of connection and love versus do’s and don’ts/who’s in and who’s out. Thank you for all the things that led me to this place… on this day… with these people. I am here this week, learning that I am not alone… That is my miracle today, and I am so very thankful. It is so wonderful to know, I really can trust you, even when life feels like it is falling apart around me… I just had to find you. No, you found me (when I was ready). And as you told me, “Linda, don’t worry. If you miss me (and I did for so long), I will find you… And you did.
I love you… Always and Forever!

It’s funny how those we love can still direct us even after they are gone. Bruce left a legacy that I am still unraveling and is still influencing my life… That is a blessing I never expected or knew could exist!

What about you? Have you ever found yourself reading their books, listening to their music or the things that influenced their lives? What have you learned? This journey can be so very hard, but it is even harder to bear alone. I believe we are in this together. None of us are alone, because we have each other. Please feel free to reach out and share your story or thoughts. To do so, go to the comments and leave a note. * Who knows? Your story may the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Where Life Takes Us

Time changes nothing on its own…
That is my job now.
This is a journey.
It is mine…
I must own it to survive it.
~ Linda, September 2013

This next week I will be traveling… heading to a spiritual retreat in GA. While normally I avoid being still for too long, this time I am looking forward to some down time – time to think and process without all the noise of daily life and routines. I know I am going to miss my family here and my home… And although this isn’t a long journey, I know that after a week, it will be a treat to return home.

This is the way life is…. filled with journeys – true journeys and metaphorical journeys. It is how we grow and learn and develop. It is how we discover new things about ourselves and how we expand our lives. In fact, when we suffer loss, what is it called? It is called a grief journey.

Like all other journeys, there is something to be learned, but unlike other journeys, I did not choose this one. It is not a path anyone would willingly take, but for those of us who find ourselves here, we didn’t have an option. In fact, now the only choices are to move forward or stand still. Many times along the way, I have hesitated, not quite willing to take the next step… Eventually, I do manage to take a breath and put one foot in front of the other… moving tentatively until I can get my bearings.

Life, itself, is a journey. It takes me where it will – sometimes there are choices and sometimes there is not… Some paths are scary, and others are absolutely amazing…

For Bruce and I, our journey started when we met while cruising in the Virgin Islands. Therefore, it only seemed fitting that throughout the years of our marriage, we did a lot of traveling. Like any journey, you learn a lot about a person when you travel with them. Bruce and I were no different.

We learned right away that traveling in a car together for any extended amount of time was not the best idea. Why? Well, Bruce did not snack at all while driving, and he liked it completely quiet. I, however, love to eat, drink, sing, talk, and play games. (In other words – I like to be entertained.)

I can remember a particular trip from Michigan to Alabama when I learned Bruce didn’t like opera. I was driving and he was napping (or trying to). So to fill the time, I sang opera the entire way. Guess who was not amused… Go figure! We both laughed about that one for years!

I have written several times about the night Bruce died. A few times, I mentioned the ride home from the hospital… alone. At the time, I remember thinking that this would be my life now… always coming home alone to no one. What I did not realize was the enormity of what that would entail. For years that was my life… And it was quite daunting. I can remember on many occasions sitting in the driveway in my car… Not wanting to walk inside to the overwhelming quiet that waited there for me.

The expanse of just how lonely this journey could be began to dawn on me in the early weeks after Bruce’s death. I would turn the corner and see Bruce’s truck still sitting there in the driveway. My first instinct was happiness and excitement. Bruce was home! Then, it would hit me full force, and I would remember… Bruce was not home; no one was home. The truck was still sitting there, because I hadn’t sold it yet.

However, months later after selling his truck, I learned that coming home still wasn’t any easier. In fact, even now there are days when I find myself wishing with all my heart that he would be there to greet me when I walk through the door. I no longer cry or breakdown, but I do secretly wish for all of this to be a dream… for him to be there waiting to greet me with a hug and a smile.

Flying together, however, was a different story. Those journeys were fantastic! We would always snuggle up. (Yes, we were that couple.) Sometimes, I would lay my head on his shoulder and snooze. Other times we would play games on his phone or share a set of headphones and listen to music together. For us, it didn’t matter what we did; what was important was the time spent together. It was our journey… together.

This last year, I found myself on another journey… Learning to manage the path of cancer was hard, and while I had some absolutely fantastic people by my side the whole way, traveling that path without Bruce by my side was the hardest part.

Thankfully, I am blessed to still live this space that was ours. This space where I can still feel Bruce’s presence all around me. Perhaps it sounds silly, but the comfort this space has brought me this past year felt a little like coming full circle on this journey.

I guess what I am saying is we have no control on where life takes us… Sure we make choices, but we don’t control the whole picture… We can’t foresee the bends and turns in the path ahead. In fact, the best we can do is to look for the blessings and be thankful for them, love the people around us and find comfort in the simple things life offers… And while I still trip up sometimes, that has become my goal… my way of moving forward through this journey.

I have learned a lot on this grief journey so far. At first, I was so angry, I was resistant to learning anything. What in the world did I need to learn alone that I couldn’t learn with Bruce by my side? However, in time I have come to learn that isn’t the point. It wasn’t about Bruce and I being together until the end of our lives. Instead, it was about us being together and loving each other until the end of his life. I know we will be together again one day, but my life isn’t over.

My journey of love with Bruce taught me so much… My journey of grief has also taught me a lot, and Bruce still gets credit for that. Why? Because when he died, he left a beautiful legacy in his wake.

I constantly find myself trying to learn more about who he was and what made him tick by experiencing all the things I took for granted while he was here. I love to read his “go-to” books, listen to his music and try doing the things he enjoyed. I love finding notes he scribbled in the margins of books, on cards or just scraps of paper tucked inside something.

The funny part is while I am doing all those things, in my quest to understand him, I usually end up learning so much more about myself. I have learned that there is still so much more out there for me. As long as I have breath, l have a purpose… Without a doubt, I know I still have so much to learn and so much more to give back wherever life should take me…

What about you? Where are you on your journey? Where has life taken you? What have you learned? We all know this journey is hard, but it is even harder to bear alone. I believe we are in this together. None of us are alone, because we have each other. Please feel free to reach out and share your story or thoughts. To do so, go to the comments and leave a note. *
Who knows? Your story may the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love and Grief… Those First Few Mother’s Days

I remember years ago when my kids were little, they would ask what I wanted for Mother’s Day, and I would always give the same response… I just wanted a day of quiet – a day all to myself. Well, that first year after Bruce died, I got it. I spent the day alone and let me tell you – it wasn’t all I thought it would be. I found myself longing for those days of endless chaos. So, be careful what you ask for – you just might get it.

As much as I would love to “pretty it up” and make it more positive, it is more important to be honest about what my grief journey involved. So, I need to be honest about this day as well, and this is my story from those first few Mother’s Days… spent alone…

I love the fact that there is a day set aside to celebrate my Mom and Bruce’s Mom and all that they both did for us… without the two of them, the “we” that was Bruce and I would never have been. I, also, love that there is a day when my daughter is celebrated for being the fabulous mother that she is. My grandson is my whole heart, and as his mother, she makes that happen. My problem, however, comes when I try to apply the sentiment of the day to myself… This is where I struggle.

In the processes of leaving my first marriage, meeting, loving and losing Bruce, there are so many areas of my life in which I have grown and developed. However, Mother’s Day is a day I dread… There are emotions attached to this day that makes breathing a struggle.

To give a little bit of background, I was raised to believe that divorce is not an option… marriage is for life. So, when I left (aka – ran away from) my first husband, I struggled with guilt.

Therefore, after I left my first marriage, I needed to come to terms with what had transpired over the years, and how I had enabled the behaviors that brought to run away and eventually divorce. I also had to accept the fact that my job as their mother was to protect my kids. While I thought I was protecting them at the time, the reality was different. They endured quite a bit at the hands of their father, and I failed to protect them. Luckily, my kids turned out great (in spite of me) … but this is where my dread of Mother’s Day comes from… It comes from within myself.

For the first few years after I left my first marriage, we were still in SC, so it was easy to center the day around my mother and grandmother… I could ignore my own dread and put my energy into them.

When I met Bruce, he understood my feelings, but he had a completely different perspective. He saw me in a light without judgement. He wanted to celebrate what he called “the strength to leave” and likened it to the legend of a mother pelican.

On our first Mother’s Day together, after only 6 months of marriage, I didn’t expect anything from him – I wasn’t his mother nor the mother of his daughter. But he saw it differently. When I awoke that morning, he had a card tucked under the mattress on his side of the bed. He was absolutely beaming when he handed it to me. (I still have that card… and every other one he ever gave me.) Inside was a beautiful message of love along with 3 tickets to the opera for that afternoon.

Imagine it… Here was my body-building, truck-driving, football-loving husband willing to spend the afternoon at the opera, because he knew how much I would love it… and he included my daughter so that it was a “family affair” – exactly what the day was meant to be. I was (and still am) uncomfortable with this day, but I smile when I remember how he always insisted on celebrating me as a mother…

Flash forward to the first Mother’s Day after Bruce passed… I found myself struggling in a different light. The kids had been grown and gone for years… and without Bruce, I found myself alone.

Here are a few excerpts from my journal over the last few years. I wasn’t looking for anything really. I only wanted people to understand the following – if you know someone who is has lost someone that connects to their “mother role”, please, reach out to them… they need you.

May 12, 2013:
* It is four months today… and Mother’s Day… and I’m alone… it has been a really hard day. A few days ago, I wrote that I thought I was still here for my kids, but today I am not so sure… they are grown and gone with lives and families of their own. They love me. (I know that without a doubt.) … But I would not say they need me.

* My biggest issue is that I need to stop looking to my kids for comfort… that is not their job and it is not fair to them. Bruce is gone. I am sad. And I miss him more than I ever could have imagined – but those are my issues… no one else’s. I have to figure this out myself before I drive everyone off. I love them and they love me, but this will drive them away if I’m not careful… I need some courage – I am losing my confidence.

May 11, 2014:
* It’s Mother’s Day… I’m trying not to feel bad about being alone. I know we all live too far apart for anyone to come for just a day. I just find that “special” days are hard now that they aren’t so “special” – just another day.

* I just don’t want to be here alone. The kids have called or skyped… It’s funny how something so simple means so much. I know I’m not entitled to expect anything but would be nice to feel special.
May 10, 2015:

* Yuck! Mother’s Day #3 without you, Babe… alone…again. The kids have already started calling this morning which makes me smile.

* It is still hard to accept – I wish I had been a better mom. If I could, I would do things different… Being a mom was the one thing I always wanted to do and be when I grew up… and I really managed to screw it up.

* Today is one of those days when I am hanging on by a thread. I feel myself slipping into a darkness that seems to surround every thought. I need to turn this thought process around. I am trying so hard not to fall down that rabbit hole of self-doubt and self-loathing today, but it is hard.
Current reflections for the day:

Six years later, my Mother’s Day was wonderful! Life is different, but I am learning to adjust.
* Yes, there is still a lot of guilt and “I-wish-I-had’s”, but I can’t change the past… Only the future… And I work at that one.

* I still miss him… I wish more than anything I could physically be with Bruce, all of my kids and my grandson, but that is not where we are as a family. Instead, I got to talk to all of my kids, and spend the day with two of them (and my grandson). I was able to talk to both my mom and Bruce’s mom – a blessing beyond words.

* God did then and does continue to provide the love and support I need to get through each day… not just Mother’s Day… and I am eternally thankful for that.

So, whether you spent this day alone or with those you love, I pray today sent you at least one smile… from my heart to yours…

Because this is our community, please feel free to share your thoughts and experiences, too. To do so, go to the comments and leave a note. Who knows… you may hold the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love and Grief… I Don’t Need to Be Fixed

How long will this pain live inside me?
How long will I have to smile at the world when all I want to do is cry?
I find myself pulling ever further inward…
No one understands.
They are not cruel… They care.
But they do not know how to do anything other than talk me out of my feelings…
or distract me.
They love me…
I love them…
But there is a chasm between them and me…
And another between me and you…
I am alone…
And it hurts so bad.
~ Linda, November 2015

It’s hard to watch someone you love hurt… It’s even harder to realize you can’t do anything for that person to make it stop hurting…

As a mother, I get that… When my kids were little and came to me with a “boo-boo” (real or imagined), there were all kinds of ways to fix it. Sometimes a simple “kiss to make it feel better” or a band-aid over unbroken skin was all that was needed, while other wounds required more realistic answers. However, no matter what, there seemed to always be a way to “fix” it.

Maybe you can relate? We want to be able to help those we love feel better… We want them to smile and laugh again. We want to have the answers, but the hard truth is – sometimes we don’t have the answers… And that can be hard to accept…

I think that is where I found a disconnect at the beginning of this journey…

Almost immediately, I started to hear the pointless phrases… Phrases that were meant to help, but in fact, only made it hurt more. I was so relieved when I found a book on grief that validated my feelings on these phrases and why they do more harm than good.

In case you are curious, here are some of these phrases and why they didn’t really help at all. Since they are pretty common, perhaps you have heard a few of these on your own journey…

1. “Bruce would want you to…” – When this phrase is used by people who knew him, there is some validity to be considered. However, when it is used by anyone who didn’t know him, it feels extremely manipulative. I’m not stupid… I know it whatever it was came from their own thoughts. However, putting Bruce’s name in front of it added some kind of non-existent authority (and guilt for me). Honestly, I felt nothing but resentment and anger the moment those words left their mouth.

2. “He’s in a better place.” – This is another phrase, which throws a bit of guilt at the person grieving. After all, I should be happy not sad, right? My thoughts were always a resounding, “No, he isn’t!” Was being by my side such a bad place? We were happy. We belong to together.

3. “God just needed another angel.” – Good grief, we all know life has a beginning and an end, but once again, here is another phrase filled with religious guilt. After all, he is with God, so I should be happy, right? My thoughts? Great – make me feel like God did this to us… Because a little anger thrown in God’s direction is going to be helpful, right? Honestly, God doesn’t “need” anything, life just happens (and sometimes it sucks)!

4. “It will get better with time.” – I am a list person, so I thought this one might be true… I hoped this one might be true… I did all the things I could find that should help, and while they have gone a long way toward helping me deal with my emotions and heal, so far, I would say, “No… Not really… not completely.”

5. “You need to move on.” – Really? Why? So, you can feel better? Let’s be honest… Life will keep moving forward no matter what we do. However, this phrase (said too early or by the wrong person) left me feeling guilty for being sad… Seriously? Everyone grieves in their own way and on their own time schedule… Be patient. There is time for healing and learning to live a new way. There is no need to feel rushed.

6. “You need to ____” – Why? Because they think so? Because it is what they believe they would do? Again… more guilt… Plus, does anyone really like being told what to do? Let’s be realistic, we all live life differently, and we will all grieve differently… and that’s okay.

7. “You can always remarry.” – Oh seriously! Let’s minimize love, marriage and relationships down to nothing more than a contract… If you think you can replace one relationship with another like paint colors on the wall, please don’t pretend to be my friend. I want people around me who understand love, connections, and commitment. (Honestly, this was only said to me by people who barely knew me, so ignoring it was pretty easy.)

8. “Fake it till you make it.” – When is that? And why? Is this so I will feel better or so they will? I thought it was better to work through our feelings not shove them down inside. So if I fake being fine, is that really helpful in my grief? Or does it relieve them from trying to fix everything? Admittedly, there may be times and places for this one, but it isn’t a mantra to live by.

Am I angry? No, and I apologize if I sound like I am. I am just trying to make a point… While the people who say these things mean well (and I do believe that is their intent), theses phrases can actually cause more harm than good. I know for me, it only pushed me further and further into myself. Whenever someone said one of these phrases to me, I stopped confiding in them… I stopped turning to them when I was “having a moment.”

It is sad to say, but these phrases only created more isolation for me, because I was worried that there was something wrong with me… I felt like no one wanted to listen anymore… I felt even more alone. It wasn’t until I read a book on grief, (The Grief Recovery Handbook, by James and Friedman), that I learned I wasn’t alone. I learned just how normal my responses to these phrases were and how they affected my grief.

But that’s not the end of this story…

I was also blessed with a handful of people in my life who knew right away, there would never be words to heal or “fix” me. These wonderful people stood by my side and understood that there was really nothing to be said or done to make the pain go away… And to their credit, they did what needed to be done… They never tried to “fix” anything. Instead, they spent time with me… They listened… And they held me when I cried… And those simple actions did a lot more toward helping me heal than any words ever could…

With the exception of, “I love you and I care…”

What about you? Have you ever felt like you were being pushed to put your grief aside? Has anyone ever offered empty phrases that were meant to help, but instead only caused more hurt? If so, you’re not alone… We all know this journey is hard, but it is even harder to bear alone. I believe we are in this together. None of us are alone, because we have each other. Please feel free to reach out and share your story or thoughts. To do so, go to the comments and leave a note. * Who knows? Your story may the answer for someone else.

Note: I apologize for the day-late postings last week and this week. I have been traveling where internet and computer use is either limited or non-existent. Next week, I should be back on schedule.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love and Grief… A Journey is a Journey is a Journey

They call it a “grief journey,” but isn’t it really my same life journey with a turn I didn’t expect? My initial reaction is fear that I am lost… This was a wrong turn. But in time, I will get my bearings and keep moving forward…
~ Linda, September 2013

A “grief journey” … That’s what they call it… And honestly, it’s not a bad descriptor. Still… A journey is a journey is a journey… And life is a journey. It’s fine to divide it up into parts, but when all is said and done, it is all a journey.

Bruce’s sister wrote her second blog post this weekend, which touched my soul, Not Dead So Far. It is about her journey and growing older… As I read it, even though our lives are very different, I could relate to so much she had to say, which was basically – life is a journey… And if you’re still here, it ain’t over, yet, so keep going!

It’s funny, but that was only a recap of what I was already thinking…

I spent this last weekend camping in Stone Mountain, GA, outside Atlanta. Because we lived in this town for well over a decade, my daughter has a lot of memories here that she wanted to share with her son. So needless to say, we packed a lot of life into just a few days… We visited museums and aquariums, where her son loved the same exhibits she had loved as a child.

The majority of the weekend, though, was spent in Stone Mountain Park, a place we visited at least once a month when my kids were growing up… And despite the turmoil in our family back then, the days spent there hold nothing but fun memories for us.

In fact, one of the best memories that we couldn’t wait to share with my grandson was climbing that crazy mountain!

We had been talking about it for weeks… Trying to explain to my grandson about the mountain… That it is nothing more than a huge rock… A piece of granite that protrudes 1683 feet above sea level (give or take a few feet), and the trail up was “only” one mile.

We started at the base of the mountain early in the morning, laughing as we went. My grandson ran from one rock formation to the next, pointing out everything he saw with the excitement that only a nine-year-old boy can muster. His mother and l laughed watching him, telling him to explore as much as he wanted as long as he stayed within eyesight… We also threw in a little bit of advice to pace himself (although we both knew that landed on deaf ears). LOL!

Just like life, the first part of the journey was a gentle upward slope. There were some spots where the footing was a little precarious, but nothing major. We took breaks and helped each other as needed. Halfway up there was a shelter with benches, and we stopped for a quick protein snack, before starting the second half of the journey.

Freshly energized and ready to tackle what lay ahead, we started out again. However, the second half of the journey was much steeper… So steep, in fact, there were hand rails in some sections, and where there weren’t rails, it wasn’t unusual to see people crawling up on all fours to maintain their balance.

At this point, my grandson who has recently decided he doesn’t like heights, started slowing down… anxiety written on his face. His mother smiled, took his hand, and made him an offer no boy can refuse… A “secret” adventure…

This was the point, where as children, my kids would break away from the well-traveled path and crawl through a series of “caves.” (They are really just rock formations, but “caves” sounds way cooler!) He was all about it! After all, a journey is a journey, but a little bit of adventure always makes for a better journey!

Before too long, the three of us met back up at the top, so proud of what we had accomplished. As we stood at the top, cheering on those around us who were just arriving, what we observed is worth noting…

There were people who were proud of what they had just done, and others were didn’t really find it a challenge at all. There were people laughing and cheering on others, and just as many complaining about the path they had just completed. There were people taking pictures and looking in awe at the fabulous view all around us, and others who only wanted to purchase a ticket, so they could ride back down and avoid that downhill trek.

As for us, after about an hour or so of exploring the top, taking in the different views, buying our “I climbed Stone Mountain” T-shirts, and finding our campsite down below, we decided to make the trek back down the mountain, thinking “down” would be much easier than “up.”

But just like life… A journey is a journey is a journey… And the “down” journey held its own challenges.

First of all, there was gravel all over the mountain which had helped going up, but not so much going down… I am pretty sure we each found ourselves on our bottoms more than once. There were some parts that were so steep, I found myself hanging onto tree branches, my daughter’s shoulder or my grandson’s hand… whatever was offered or available.

Approximately three and a half hours after we started, we were back at the bottom… exhausted… and proud! WE HAD DONE IT!

We had each accomplished something – my grandson faced his fear of heights, my daughter stepped back into her childhood and smiled at the memories, and after a year of fighting cancer, I faced and conquered a huge physical challenge, when I wasn’t sure I had the stamina to do it!

It was quite the adventure, and as we drove away, all I could think about is how that journey up and down the mountain is just like life… While I might call my journey a “grief journey,” I guess all of life is a journey. In fact, it’s a journey that holds different challenges for each of us…

It is up to us how we face those challenges… We can face the challenges head on and cheer on those around us, or we can look for a way to avoid them. In other words, our life is what we make of it… it’s how we choose to make the journey that determines how we live and who we are…

How do I live without your love?
One breath at a time…
~ Linda, December 2013

What about you? Where are you on your journey? Are you on the gentle slope? Are you on all fours crawling just to make it to the top? Do you need to rest or do you some support? If so, you’re not alone… We all know this journey is hard, but it is even harder to bear alone. I believe we are in this together. None of us are alone, because we have each other. Please feel free to reach out and share your story or thoughts. To do so, go to the comments and leave a note. * Who knows? Your story may the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love and Grief… All the Feelings

Usually I write about where I am currently on this journey, but this week I want to reflect a little bit on where I was and how it felt. Why? Well, I know when I first started on this path, I felt so alone. The feelings and emotions were so overwhelming. And because I was the first person in both our families and amongst my close friends to lose a spouse, I didn’t really have anyone to turn to and ask if all these feelings were normal? (As if anything in my life would ever be “normal” again.)

Just a few months after Bruce died, I was struggling to find someone… anyone… who could understand… and wrote the following…

“I feel like I am going crazy. My emotions have been on hyper mode since this started. If I am sad, it is extreme. If I am happy, it is extreme. If I am angry, it is extreme. No matter the emotion, it is to the extreme. It seems like the only way to have any control at all is to shut them down completely. I hate it. Can anyone tell me if this is a normal part of grieving?”

Many people responded that while they hadn’t been there, they thought it was normal… A few told me to pray… Others said they were praying for me… Some told me to seek counseling, while others used words and phrases they had heard elsewhere were meant to bring comfort. In other words, they were all trying to be supportive, but no one really had an answer.

So, I set out to find some answers. I can remember reading books, blogs, articles – anything I could get my hands on that was written by other widows and widowers. In those, I learned what I was experiencing was very normal. I wasn’t alone, and I wasn’t going crazy.

I read about women who shaved their heads, packed a bag, and went on a cross-country hike in an attempt to outrun their grief. I read about men and women who fought suicidal thoughts, and others who immediately moved out of their homes just to get away from the memories. I read about many who lost their faith and others who dove in deeper.

So many people I read about struggled to control their emotions and talked about the outbursts… And others who tried to stuff all the pain deep down inside and shared that they couldn’t connect with anyone anymore… So many talked about looking at life going on around them, like an observer looking in, unable to even feel human anymore.

All of this probably sounds really dark, but it actually brought me comfort… It was a relief to know that I wasn’t crazy… All of my feelings were “normal” for someone grieving. My struggle to control my emotions, my struggle with my faith and being “left behind,” my struggle with relationships… All of it… It was such a comfort to know I wasn’t alone… and I wasn’t crazy.

I remember when I first started writing this blog, someone said told me that no one wanted to hear about my pain, how hard grief was, or how I felt. However, I thought it then, and I think it now – she was wrong… There will always be someone who needs to hear… I guess that’s why I am writing this today… Because if even one person reads this and can connect with the loss of stability that comes with grief, then I hope they will also find comfort in knowing that they aren’t alone.

You have many sisters and brothers who have gone before you and remember…

There is no judgement in what you are feeling… We remember. There is only empathy and compassion for where you are… And where you must still travel.

And while it may not seem possible, (at least, I didn’t think it was), if you are patient with yourself, the day will come (eventually), when you can manage this new “normal” that life has thrown your way. True, there will always be a hole… an emptiness in your heart and soul, but it won’t always control every thought and emotion… And until the time comes when you realize you are able to truly live your life again, know that we are here… We care… And we understand…

Death changes everything…

For a while that is all I can think about.

Time changes nothing…

On its own.

This is a journey

That will not end,

But I can learn how to direct my path.

If I do not pay attention to each individual step,

If I look too far ahead,

If I get tired and stop,

If I look backward too long,

I will become lost and scared.

I did not choose this journey.

I can’t even say that I like this journey.

But I would rather choose my path now,

Than try to find my way later

Because I gave up what little choice was mine

And became lost.

It is okay to stop and rest or cry when I am weary,

As long as I do not lose track of where I am.

It is okay to peer behind me to see where I was,

As long as I remember to look forward as I move.

It is even okay to look at what is ahead,

As long as I am doing so as preparation, but remain focused on where I am.

Death has changed everything,

And I must learn how to adjust.

Time changes nothing

On its own – that is my job now.

This is a journey – it is mine;

I must own it to survive it.

~ Linda, September 2013

What about you? Where are you on your journey? Do you remember that initial shock and all the overwhelming feelings of loss? Are you in that initial state of loss? Do you need someone to validate your feelings and give you some support? If so, you’re not alone… We all know this journey is hard, but it is even harder to bear alone. I believe we are in this together. None of us are alone, because we have each other. Please feel free to reach out and share your story or thoughts. To do so, go to the comments and leave a note. *Who knows? Your story may the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love and Grief… A Birthday Present for Bruce

For as long as I knew him (and probably before that), Bruce always spent his birthday with his folks. The first year I had only known him a few months when he invited me to join him at his parents’ home to celebrate his birthday. At that time, they lived in a small town just outside Pensacola, on the Alabama side of the border, called Lillian. I was so nervous about going, but it was a magical weekend… And it wasn’t even my birthday.

During that weekend, I learned just how important family was to this man I had fallen in love with… Which only made me love him that much more. With the exception of 2011, we traveled there every year to celebrate his birthday, and it became the highlight of springtime for both us. When we were in Michigan, it was a much-needed break from the never-ending winter, while celebrating life with people we loved. Then, once we moved to Florida, it was a day’s drive over with the same results… Always a magical week filled with love, laughter, sunshine, and relaxation.

As I said, that was every year except 2011… That was the year we bought our home here in Florida. So, instead of going to their house, Bruce’s parents came here and helped us move into our new home. This time it was a sweat-filled weekend, but it was still wonderful. We joked all weekend about Bruce getting a house for his birthday gift.

Bruce and I were so excited! While we owned our condo in Michigan, it had actually been Bruce’s before we got married. This was different… It was a home… with a yard… and we had picked it out together. This was truly our home.

It isn’t a secret, (I have written about it before), before Bruce and I were married, I lost everything. Partially due to a bitter divorce and the other part was a simple lack of knowledge about my options. Either way there was a financial mess left from my first marriage. There were some things (like credit card debt I didn’t know existed) to my ex-husband’s refusal to sign paperwork (which ended in the loss of property) to a very bad investment with a family friend (which was later deemed a Ponzi scheme).

However, when I married Bruce, he introduced me to Dave Ramsey’s money management system. It was one of the most practical things I have ever learned. Throughout our marriage, Bruce still preferred to handle the household budget. Since we married later in life, we chose to keep separate accounts, while I pitched in a percentage to the family budget. All of which was fine with me… I was learning… Not just how to budget my money, but how to make it actually work for me.

So, years later when we bought this house, I was much more savvy with money, (although still learning). In my previous marriage, we had moved and purchased several homes, so I thought I knew all about buying houses. But this time, it was so different. Back then, it was about finding “the” house. A house we just “had to have.” Said house also needed to be at the top end of what we could possibly afford. (I don’t know why… That was just the mindset in my first marriage.)

However, Bruce taught me something so different. To start, he explained that we needed to find a home that we could afford on one income, just in case the time ever came when we needed to live off one income vs two. Also, (and he was very adamant about this one), don’t fall in love with a house… I can’t even begin to count the number of times he said, “We have to be willing to walk away at any point.” At first, I thought it was all kind of silly, but it proved to be the best advice ever.

When we finally decided to make the purchase, we chose a 15-year mortgage. The plan, however, was to make double payments and pay it off in seven to eight years instead. Keep in mind, during this time, Bruce was still managing the money. As a consequence, during the one and a half years we lived here together, I only asked once if we were making double payments. He said, “yes,” and I left it at that.

When he died, however, I learned that wasn’t quite true. He had made one double payment… only one. (I am guessing it was the same month I asked. LOL!) In hindsight, I know a lot of our budget went to travel, which I don’t regret for a moment. I also think I should have been pitching in more money to the budget. However, I didn’t know, and he hadn’t said a word.

Whatever the reason, when he died, I learned the truth…

But… like I said, it was okay… I don’t regret any of the travel, and difficult conversations were never easy for either of us. But at that point, I decided I was going to meet that deadline… Come hell or high water, I was going to prove to myself (and him) that we could do this.

So last week, almost 8 years to the date, (I was three days early), I made the last payment on this house… Another birthday present for Bruce… and me! As I walked out of the bank that day, and as I sat at the beach on his birthday this weekend, all I kept saying was, …

“We did it, Babe! You taught me how… You set me up for success… and we did it! Our home is really ours now!… So, Happy Birthday, Babe! I love you!”

What about you? Does the love you shared still influence how you live your life now? Did your loved one leave a legacy that set you up for success? Have you been able to accomplish a dream you both shared? If not, is that an area where you struggle or don’t know how to move forward? If so, you’re not alone… We all know this journey is hard, but it is even harder to bear alone. I believe we are in this together. None of us are alone, because we have each other. Please feel free to reach out and share your story or thoughts. To do so, go to the comments and leave a note. *

Who knows? Your story may the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love and Grief… I Wish You Knew…

Are you there?

Are you listening?

Did you see me cry?

Have you felt my tears?… My pain?

Are you there?

Are you holding me when I cry?

When I am scared?

When I don’t want to take the next step?

Are you there?

Are you beside me as I lay sleeping?

As I walk on the beach?

When I call your name in the dark?

You said you’d never leave me…

So, … Are you there?

~ Linda, October 2013

Yes, it has been a long time… six years. It has taken a while to get this point, but yes, most of the time (probably 95% of the time), I am okay. I live my life and experience all the normal emotions that go with it… I get frustrated, angry, happy, excited… You name it, and if it’s a normal part of life, I am likely to experience it. That is healthy… That is normal. (And when you are on this path, “normal” in all its different forms is nice.)

But… There is one thing I do now that I never did before Bruce died…

When life gets tough and I get pissed… When I am to the point of tears while trying to figure out how to handle whatever it is alone, I find myself saying to Bruce, “I wish you were here… I wish you knew how hard this is without you!”

I know this sounds selfish… And it is usually followed with me saying, “Okay, not really… I wish no one had to ever know how hard this is. I would never wish this on you… Not really… But it is hard… You have no idea!”

Yep… It sounds pretty much just like that every time…

They say it is not unusual for widows or widowers to find themselves trying to live a life that would make their lost loved one proud. I must admit, I do that too. In fact, by this point, I can’t even say it is a conscious thing… It just is.

I don’t go into every day or every decision thinking, “What would Bruce want me to do?” No… It is much more subtle than that… It is more of a reflective thing, where afterward, I think, “Bruce would be proud of that.” Or, “That’s how Bruce would have handled that,” and I smile.

However, it’s when those really hard days hit… You know what I mean – those days when everything seems to go wrong, or those days when you have to face your fears and push forward anyway… Well, now when those days hit, I have to push forward alone. Bruce is no longer here to hold me in his arms and tell me it will all be okay. Never again will I find sanctuary in his presence – knowing that whatever one of us faced, we would both face it together.

Both of us had lived alone before we married. Both of us were strong, independent people. However, once we experienced life together, we learned what it was like to share our lives – the good times and the bad… the thrills and the burdens. Somehow going from “two facing the world” back to “one facing the world” has been a little harder than one would think.

It’s funny… Most of us never let ourselves think about the probability of finishing this life alone. (At least, I know I didn’t.) When we got married, “happily ever after” was what I had in my head. I never thought about the reality or statistics which tell us that in a marriage, one of you will die before the other… One of you will end up doing this by yourself at some point in time… One of you will end up alone.

And it’s hard… It’s hard doing life alone after you have shared it with someone you love.

Can I do it? Of course… I do it every day… And while I would never wish anything bad to have happened to Bruce, there are times when I can’t help but wonder how he would have fared if the tables had been turned… Would he miss me too? Would he remember me the way I remember him? Would he grieve?…

Would he ever find himself thinking, “This is hard… I wish you knew how hard this really is.”

Would you be as lost as me if our roles were changed?

Because I’m lost…

I keep looking for you wherever I go…

~ Linda, January 2018

What about you? Does the love you shared still influence how you live your life now? If you could thank your loved one for how they changed and added to your life, what would you say? Do you struggle with how to hold onto all of that? If so, you’re not alone… We all know this journey is hard, but it is even harder to bear alone. I believe we are in this together. None of us are alone, because we have each other. Please feel free to reach out and share your story or thoughts. To do so, go to the comments and leave a note. * Who knows? Your story may the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love and Grief… Thank you

“Thank you for being the reason I smile!” ~ 365 Relationship Quotes About Happiness to Live By

During the short time Bruce and I were together, I can remember writing thank you notes to his parents for the gift of this wonderful man they had raised. Even from the beginning, I knew I wanted to thank them… They needed to know that because of their parenting, this wonderful man had blessed my life. On a constant basis throughout our marriage, Bruce and I also never missed an opportunity to thank each other for all the ways we felt blessed because of what the other person added to our life. In all honesty, I believe this simple act had the biggest impact on our more-than-successful marriage than anything else.

There is nothing quite like being appreciative and feeling appreciated to build a strong relationship… which has led me to write the following in my journal this week…

Hi Babe!

I know there are so many times, I start writing with “I miss you so much.” However, today I just wanted to say, “Thank you.”

From the moment you first said, “Hello” to our last kiss goodnight, I never doubted your love… Quite an accomplishment given the situation I came from before I knew you. Yet, because of you, I learned what love really is and how to trust again.

You had the simplest ways of showing me that love…

I will always remember the time when we were first married… I had poured you a beer and when I handed it to you, it slipped to the floor, leaving glass and beer everywhere. It was a huge mess, and my instant response was pure fear!

Based on the experiences in my first marriage, I ran to the bathroom and locked myself in… So scared of the consequences I thought would come. I sat in silence waiting for you to come bang on the door and yell at me for making such a mess. That was what I had learned before you… But that never happened. Instead, I could hear you, through the door, cleaning up the mess.

Then, quietly you came and knocked ever so gently on the door. I can’t remember the exact words you said, but hesitantly, I opened the door. Gently, you reached out, took me in your arms and just held me… And I sobbed.

Once I had calmed down, we went back into the freshly cleaned kitchen where you proceeded to pour yourself another beer. I will never forget the next thing you did… You looked me in the eye, held up the glass as if to take a drink, and simply let it go… In disbelief, I watched it crash to the floor creating another new mess. Then, you took me back in your arms and said, “Life is messy sometimes. That’s okay… We can handle that… Nothing will ever make me stop loving you.”

That was my first real memory of the unconditional love that came to envelop my world with you. In that moment, I began to understand and experience true unconditional love… A love that changed my whole world.

But my appreciation doesn’t end there. You also taught me to be a better me… Not through nagging or criticism or anything remotely close to that. You never made me feel like you wanted me to be anything different than what I was in that moment. No… It was your quiet confidence in me that encouraged me.

I learned to take chances… I learn it was okay to fail… and try again. Through it all, you just smiled and encouraged me to try again or to try the next thing. You never told me what to do or not do… You simple smiled, asked me what I wanted to do, and loved me no matter what.

At first, when you died, I was lost. I didn’t think I could do anything else without you there… I missed your encouragement and your confidence. I’m even ashamed to admit it, but in a lot of ways, I lost a lot of the ground I had gained in my own growth. However, once I finally got my feet back under myself, that started to change.

There have been a few rough starts, but rather than letting that appreciation and love fade into the background, I have once again learned to use it to become a stronger person… A better version of me…

I can’t begin to tell you how many times when I am scared to try something new – something way outside my comfort zone – I think about you… And I know… In my mind, I can see you smile with those gentle, loving eyes… In my heart, I can hear your voice telling me you believe in me… I just need to believe in myself. It is almost like you are still here by my side as I gather my courage and push forward.

Thank you for that, Babe! Thank you for building a legacy so strong and so filled with love that even death can’t stop it. Even now, you still amaze me… The way you chose to live your life and love the people around you, still influences me six years later. That is amazing… You are amazing…

I love you, Babe… Always and forever!

“But there’s another kind of love. One that gives you the courage to be better than you are, one that makes you feel that anything is possible.” ~ Michael Bliss, Nights in Rodanthe

What about you? Does the love you shared still influence how you live your life now? If you could thank your loved one for how they changed and added to your life, what would you say? Do you struggle with how to hold onto that? If so, you’re not alone… We all know this journey is hard, but it is even harder to bear alone. I believe we are in this together. None of us are alone, because we have each other. Please feel free to reach out and share your story or thoughts. To do so, go to the comments and leave a note. *

Who knows? Your story may the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief