I remember years ago when my kids were little, they would ask what I wanted for Mother’s Day, and I would always give the same response… I just wanted a day of quiet – a day all to myself. Well, that first year after Bruce died, I got it. I spent the day alone and let me tell you – it wasn’t all I thought it would be. I found myself longing for those days of endless chaos. So, be careful what you ask for – you just might get it.
As much as I would love to “pretty it up” and make it more positive, it is more important to be honest about what my grief journey involved. So, I need to be honest about this day as well, and this is my story from those first few Mother’s Days… spent alone…
I love the fact that there is a day set aside to celebrate my Mom and Bruce’s Mom and all that they both did for us… without the two of them, the “we” that was Bruce and I would never have been. I, also, love that there is a day when my daughter is celebrated for being the fabulous mother that she is. My grandson is my whole heart, and as his mother, she makes that happen. My problem, however, comes when I try to apply the sentiment of the day to myself… This is where I struggle.
In the processes of leaving my first marriage, meeting, loving and losing Bruce, there are so many areas of my life in which I have grown and developed. However, Mother’s Day is a day I dread… There are emotions attached to this day that makes breathing a struggle.
To give a little bit of background, I was raised to believe that divorce is not an option… marriage is for life. So, when I left (aka – ran away from) my first husband, I struggled with guilt.
Therefore, after I left my first marriage, I needed to come to terms with what had transpired over the years, and how I had enabled the behaviors that brought to run away and eventually divorce. I also had to accept the fact that my job as their mother was to protect my kids. While I thought I was protecting them at the time, the reality was different. They endured quite a bit at the hands of their father, and I failed to protect them. Luckily, my kids turned out great (in spite of me) … but this is where my dread of Mother’s Day comes from… It comes from within myself.
For the first few years after I left my first marriage, we were still in SC, so it was easy to center the day around my mother and grandmother… I could ignore my own dread and put my energy into them.
When I met Bruce, he understood my feelings, but he had a completely different perspective. He saw me in a light without judgement. He wanted to celebrate what he called “the strength to leave” and likened it to the legend of a mother pelican.
On our first Mother’s Day together, after only 6 months of marriage, I didn’t expect anything from him – I wasn’t his mother nor the mother of his daughter. But he saw it differently. When I awoke that morning, he had a card tucked under the mattress on his side of the bed. He was absolutely beaming when he handed it to me. (I still have that card… and every other one he ever gave me.) Inside was a beautiful message of love along with 3 tickets to the opera for that afternoon.
Imagine it… Here was my body-building, truck-driving, football-loving husband willing to spend the afternoon at the opera, because he knew how much I would love it… and he included my daughter so that it was a “family affair” – exactly what the day was meant to be. I was (and still am) uncomfortable with this day, but I smile when I remember how he always insisted on celebrating me as a mother…
Flash forward to the first Mother’s Day after Bruce passed… I found myself struggling in a different light. The kids had been grown and gone for years… and without Bruce, I found myself alone.
Here are a few excerpts from my journal over the last few years. I wasn’t looking for anything really. I only wanted people to understand the following – if you know someone who is has lost someone that connects to their “mother role”, please, reach out to them… they need you.
May 12, 2013:
* It is four months today… and Mother’s Day… and I’m alone… it has been a really hard day. A few days ago, I wrote that I thought I was still here for my kids, but today I am not so sure… they are grown and gone with lives and families of their own. They love me. (I know that without a doubt.) … But I would not say they need me.
* My biggest issue is that I need to stop looking to my kids for comfort… that is not their job and it is not fair to them. Bruce is gone. I am sad. And I miss him more than I ever could have imagined – but those are my issues… no one else’s. I have to figure this out myself before I drive everyone off. I love them and they love me, but this will drive them away if I’m not careful… I need some courage – I am losing my confidence.
May 11, 2014:
* It’s Mother’s Day… I’m trying not to feel bad about being alone. I know we all live too far apart for anyone to come for just a day. I just find that “special” days are hard now that they aren’t so “special” – just another day.
* I just don’t want to be here alone. The kids have called or skyped… It’s funny how something so simple means so much. I know I’m not entitled to expect anything but would be nice to feel special.
May 10, 2015:
* Yuck! Mother’s Day #3 without you, Babe… alone…again. The kids have already started calling this morning which makes me smile.
* It is still hard to accept – I wish I had been a better mom. If I could, I would do things different… Being a mom was the one thing I always wanted to do and be when I grew up… and I really managed to screw it up.
* Today is one of those days when I am hanging on by a thread. I feel myself slipping into a darkness that seems to surround every thought. I need to turn this thought process around. I am trying so hard not to fall down that rabbit hole of self-doubt and self-loathing today, but it is hard.
Current reflections for the day:
Six years later, my Mother’s Day was wonderful! Life is different, but I am learning to adjust.
* Yes, there is still a lot of guilt and “I-wish-I-had’s”, but I can’t change the past… Only the future… And I work at that one.
* I still miss him… I wish more than anything I could physically be with Bruce, all of my kids and my grandson, but that is not where we are as a family. Instead, I got to talk to all of my kids, and spend the day with two of them (and my grandson). I was able to talk to both my mom and Bruce’s mom – a blessing beyond words.
* God did then and does continue to provide the love and support I need to get through each day… not just Mother’s Day… and I am eternally thankful for that.
So, whether you spent this day alone or with those you love, I pray today sent you at least one smile… from my heart to yours…
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