Are you there?
Are you listening?
Did you see me cry?
Have you felt my tears?… My pain?
Are you there?
Are you holding me when I cry?
When I am scared?
When I don’t want to take the next step?
Are you there?
Are you beside me as I lay sleeping?
As I walk on the beach?
When I call your name in the dark?
You said you’d never leave me…
So, … Are you there?
~ Linda, October 2013
Yes, it has been a long time… six years. It has taken a while to get this point, but yes, most of the time (probably 95% of the time), I am okay. I live my life and experience all the normal emotions that go with it… I get frustrated, angry, happy, excited… You name it, and if it’s a normal part of life, I am likely to experience it. That is healthy… That is normal. (And when you are on this path, “normal” in all its different forms is nice.)
But… There is one thing I do now that I never did before Bruce died…
When life gets tough and I get pissed… When I am to the point of tears while trying to figure out how to handle whatever it is alone, I find myself saying to Bruce, “I wish you were here… I wish you knew how hard this is without you!”
I know this sounds selfish… And it is usually followed with me saying, “Okay, not really… I wish no one had to ever know how hard this is. I would never wish this on you… Not really… But it is hard… You have no idea!”
Yep… It sounds pretty much just like that every time…
They say it is not unusual for widows or widowers to find themselves trying to live a life that would make their lost loved one proud. I must admit, I do that too. In fact, by this point, I can’t even say it is a conscious thing… It just is.
I don’t go into every day or every decision thinking, “What would Bruce want me to do?” No… It is much more subtle than that… It is more of a reflective thing, where afterward, I think, “Bruce would be proud of that.” Or, “That’s how Bruce would have handled that,” and I smile.
However, it’s when those really hard days hit… You know what I mean – those days when everything seems to go wrong, or those days when you have to face your fears and push forward anyway… Well, now when those days hit, I have to push forward alone. Bruce is no longer here to hold me in his arms and tell me it will all be okay. Never again will I find sanctuary in his presence – knowing that whatever one of us faced, we would both face it together.
Both of us had lived alone before we married. Both of us were strong, independent people. However, once we experienced life together, we learned what it was like to share our lives – the good times and the bad… the thrills and the burdens. Somehow going from “two facing the world” back to “one facing the world” has been a little harder than one would think.
It’s funny… Most of us never let ourselves think about the probability of finishing this life alone. (At least, I know I didn’t.) When we got married, “happily ever after” was what I had in my head. I never thought about the reality or statistics which tell us that in a marriage, one of you will die before the other… One of you will end up doing this by yourself at some point in time… One of you will end up alone.
And it’s hard… It’s hard doing life alone after you have shared it with someone you love.
Can I do it? Of course… I do it every day… And while I would never wish anything bad to have happened to Bruce, there are times when I can’t help but wonder how he would have fared if the tables had been turned… Would he miss me too? Would he remember me the way I remember him? Would he grieve?…
Would he ever find himself thinking, “This is hard… I wish you knew how hard this really is.”
Would you be as lost as me if our roles were changed?
Because I’m lost…
I keep looking for you wherever I go…
~ Linda, January 2018
What about you? Does the love you shared still influence how you live your life now? If you could thank your loved one for how they changed and added to your life, what would you say? Do you struggle with how to hold onto all of that? If so, you’re not alone… We all know this journey is hard, but it is even harder to bear alone. I believe we are in this together. None of us are alone, because we have each other. Please feel free to reach out and share your story or thoughts. To do so, go to the comments and leave a note. * Who knows? Your story may the answer for someone else.
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