Peace, Love & Grief – Page 6 – There is a peace that comes with acceptance, and a love that is always remembered

Peace, Love, and Grief… Thoughts on Grief…

Some days are better than others. Some weeks are better than others. Earlier this week was a bit on the rough side. Maybe I was just tired, or maybe it was some not-so-great news that I need to deal with, or maybe it just was what it was… I have no real gut feeling about why or what… All I can say is there were some rough days where my emotions were all over the place.

One moment I was so sad – inconsolably sad. The next, I was fine – steady, strong, balanced. Then, within the blink of an eye, I would be so angry… It was like all the first year’s emotions but in the space of a few days and cycling over and over.

This was a first for me… Usually, I know what the trigger is, and am able to fight ruminating over That. This… This was new… This was different, and I wasn’t sure how to cope. So, I have found myself doing a lot of meditating and self-care.

Given that I am working on me this weekend, I thought I would do something a little bit different. Several months after Bruce died, poetry became one of the most healing ways to express myself… It has provided a marvelous outlet for so many emotions. So, I thought I would share one poem from each year since Bruce died.

September 2013

I dance with you in my mind.
You hold me next to you.
I feel your heartbeat and the strength of your arms.
As the music plays,
We move gently and gracefully as one.
Then, it ends with a kiss,
As I wish for one more dance.

I laugh with you in my dreams.
I see your sweet smile,
And your kind and gentle eyes.
I hear you start to chuckle.
Your smile grows.
Then, you wink at me,
As I wish for more laughter

I make love with you in my heart.
I feel your strength and your gentleness.
Your compassion and love flow into me
With every touch and each sweet kiss.

We become one in that moment.
Then I lay in your arms
As you hold me close,
Gently kissing my lips, my eyes, and my fingertips
As I wish for one more loving moment with you
One more dance…
One more laugh…
One more chance to love you…

Then, I realize, these are always within me…
Because I have loved you,
As you have loved me.

January 2014

Like a sailboat without a rudder,
I float along.
The wind blows the sails,
But I cannot control where I go.

I am lost…
There is no hope,
No direction.
I cry out for help,
But there is no one to hear…
No one to care…
No one to help.
Just the wind and the endless sea.

Where am I going?
Where will I end up?

I cannot say.
I do not know.
I just sit,
And watch the wind carry me where it will,
As I cry and fill this ocean with my tears.

January 2015

My soul cries…
The agony is beyond words.
I feel your soul answer in response.

Why?
Why are we on opposite planes?
Why can’t I feel you,
Hold you,
Hear you,
See you…

This is a pain so intense.
So deep,
It cannot be healed.
It is my soul crying out for yours…

February 2016

My heart breaks every day,
When I awake
And remember that I am here…
And you are gone.

April 2017

I can’t believe you are no longer here…

… No longer looking at the same blue sky.
… No longer smelling the fresh air of morning.
… No longer feeling the sand under your feet.
… No longer looking at the same moon
Of smelling the salt air
Or hearing the whisper of the wind.

… No longer able to share any experiences.
… No longer a part of the world.
… No longer a part of my world.

Will this ever feel normal?

January 2018

They lie…
Time heals nothing.
It still hurts…
And I don’t know how to make it stop.

I’ve learned to smile at the world.
I’ve learned to push the hurt down and say,
“I’m fine”
But it still hurts…

I have learned to laugh again.
I have learned to find joy
in quiet moments
Spent with those I love.
But it still hurts.

I think it will probably always hurt…
Simply because you aren’t here.

August 2019

Push those feelings down.
It’s been too long.
Don’t talk about it!

Push them down!

Why can’t you let him go?
What’s wrong with you?
Is this normal?

Push those feelings down!

Push them down…
And when you come up for air…
Be sure you are smiling.

October 2020

All my life,
I knew you were missing.
Then like a miracle,
You were there.

And…
Just as suddenly,
You were gone…

My soul cries.

September 2021

This week
I have missed you,
And
I have remembered you.

I have cried for you,
And
I have danced with you.

I am tired of hurting,
But
I’m not tired of loving you!

March 2022

Why does it still hurt so badly?
I would give anything
For a word of encouragement
Or a long hug…
From you.

I am drowning.
I come up for air,
But it isn’t enough…
Then, I am back down,
Struggling for one more breath.

I sit here in the silence,
Praying for the sound of
Your truck in the driveway,
Your footstep on the porch,
Or your key in the lock.

But they never come…
Always… just this unending,
Damnable silence.

January 2023

I miss you,
And my heart is breaking…
Again.

I miss you,
And the tears are falling…
Again.

I miss you,
And I am all alone…
Again.
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Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are.

Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. This year, my goal is to simply ‘be’… Be me, be kind, be compassionate, be loving, be hopeful… to just ‘be’ and to be comfortable with that… however it looks.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

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Peace, Love, and Grief… Finding the Positive?

“The challenges we face and live through can either break us, or mold us and help us grow.”
~ Sheri McGregor, Done with the Crying

I am old enough, at this point in life, to understand that growth – personal growth – doesn’t happen when life is all sunshine, unicorns, and rainbows. Have you ever heard someone tell a “how I got here” story that didn’t involve at least a little bit of struggle? I doubt it, because that wouldn’t be a story of personal accomplishment or victory. Even the stories we read must contain a bit of conflict for the characters to grow and evolve.

Why? Because we grow when we are stretched. We grow through the brokenness of pain. We grow when we are pushed a little harder than we thought we could manage or survive. It’s hard – not easy. It’s painful – not a day at the park. In fact, to be honest, there have been many times in life when I thought I would not survive the current situation and begged God to please, just make it stop… Just give me a moment to breathe. At the same time, I believe there are hard lessons in life that must be learned, and so, (evidently), I remain a student of life.

I have shared that I have had some hard losses this year. While I am not comfortable yet talking about the details, I can say that the grief and pain have been overwhelming. I have been working with a counselor, who these past few weeks, has been pushing me to look for the positives. I have to say, that has felt impossible, but I am trying. She has also encouraged the same for my grief for Bruce. Again… it feels impossible.

How do you find anything good or positive in the loss of a person you love?

Then, I read something earlier this week that has helped me tremendously. I read about a process called, Wabi-sabi. Wabi-sabi is a Japanese concept all about embracing the beauty of the imperfect, which in fact, shows up in a lot of Japanese art.

For example… After the work of shaping a piece pottery, that piece must be placed in a kiln and fired. Sometimes, though, the firing process causes the pottery to crack. Most of us (at least me) would think it was ruined, toss it, and start again.

However, using the concept of Wabi-sabi, the artist will mend the cracks using melted gold to fill the cracks. By doing so, the artist is able to make something of beauty… something positive out of something imperfect… And to take it one step further, this gold used to fill the cracks, actually creates strength in a once-weakened vessel.

“The idea of Wabi-sabi is embracing mistakes, artfully incorporating the happenstance, and making strength from weakness.”
~ Sheri McGregor, Done with the Crying

When I read about Wabi-sabi, it hit me like a ton of bricks. The goal is not to find good things about the traumatic or awful events. No… The goal is to look at the current circumstances that remain after that loss and not give up or give in. It is about finding a way forward that is good and positive… and makes me a better… stronger person.

For me, this means looking at the pieces of my life and choosing to find a way to make something beautiful out of my life, despite Bruce’s death and the pain of this year’s losses. It’s about not giving up… not quitting. It’s about my story… What kind of legacy do I want to leave?

I don’t know exactly what that will look like for me… and I definitely don’t know what that might look like for you, but I am willing to try. I am willing to pick up those pieces of my life and create something intriguing… something beautiful… something with meaning.

For me, that means I need to be willing to look for and appreciate the beauty in all things, especially those parts of me that appear broken beyond repair. It also means keeping life simple and taking it as slow as I need so that I can remember and feel the joy of what it means to be alive.
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Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. This year, my goal is to simply ‘be’… Be me, be kind, be compassionate, be loving, be hopeful… to just ‘be’ and to be comfortable with that… however it looks.

Peace, Love, and Grief… Belonging

“True belonging doesn’t require you to change who you are; it requires you to be who you are.” ~ Brené Brown

One of the first things I remember struggling with as a new widow was the whole marital status question. Sure, on most forms there is a “widow” box ready to be checked. I remember the first time I checked that box. It was an extremely emotional moment. It was as if the reality of my situation came crashing in by acknowledging that as my new marital status.

However, that was only the beginning…

Suddenly, I found myself in a world where I struggle to figure out where I belong, (and many people around me do, as well). For me, I still felt married back then, and I still feel married now. Yes, I am well aware that Bruce is dead. Yet, what my head knows doesn’t always factor into my heart. Love isn’t a switch to be turned on and off. Love just is… And I still love Bruce. In fact, to this day, I still wear my wedding ring on my hand, (as well as his ring which hangs on a chain around my neck). There have been periods of time in the past when I have taken it off, because I thought I should. Yet, I always end up putting it back on. It is a beautiful reminder of us… Plus, it just feels right.

That’s me… But what about the people around me?

I think, at times, this may be even harder for them. People tend to feel comfortable putting things into categories – categories they are familiar with or understand. This allows people to put their world “in order”. Yet, it often means that while the widow is struggling to find a space where they belong, the people around us are doing the same when it comes to us… They often need us to be either married or not married. They need us to fit into one of these categories. This “kind-of, sort-of, I-don’t-know” doesn’t work for them, so eventually, they will make a choice for us in their own minds and act accordingly.

So, what’s the problem? Well, on our end, it can vary, but just imagine for a moment, going to a “couples’ event”. If I show up, (since I still feel married), how does that work for them? Now, this space for couples holds an odd number, because physically, (no matter how I feel), I am only one person. This can mess up all kinds of things when the event is designed for truly, physical couples.

Here’s another one… At any event, there are people (male and female) who have a belief that widows are on the make… As if our only thought in the world is to replace this person we have lost… with one of theirs. (I’m not saying this never happens, but honestly, I think it is a rare occurrence.) True or not, though, the result is that we are often seen as a possible threat and, hence, unwelcome by some.

I won’t lie. It can be awkward when I go out with other couples, but it doesn’t have to be. Sure, there are three of us – not four. Yet, just as when Bruce was here, we still find things to chat about… I am still the same me… We are still friends.

So, I guess, it depends on the couple – are they okay with that? Or do they have other concerns? What about me? Well, it depends on the relationship I have with that couple. (Now a days, I try to be more discerning about which couples I am comfortable with and who is comfortable with me.)

In other words, I am learning to find where I belong versus where I fit in, because there is a difference. Fitting in is when I assess the people I am with, determine what I need to change about me to help make them more comfortable, so that I fit in with them. (This is called “covering”, and most of us do it at some point in time – not just widows.)

However, when I belong, I don’t need to change a thing. I can just be me… even the part of me that is struggling with my own “widow identity” and whatever that means. To put it succinctly, fitting in is conditional, and belonging is unconditional. (And the unconditional space holds way more joy for all of us.)

So, if I think of myself as a puzzle piece… I know I won’t fit in all the spaces that I try. (And that’s okay.) There may even be spaces where it “kind of” works. Yet, if I look close enough, it won’t take long before I realize that I don’t really belong there. And just like with a puzzle, forcing it doesn’t work either. That will only throw everything else out of kilter, too.

So instead, I try another space… and another… and another… But I don’t give up. Why? Because I know that there truly is a space where I really do belong… I simply need to find it.

“Stop walking through the world looking for confirmation that you don’t belong. You will always find it because you’ve made that your mission… True belonging and self-worth are not goods; we don’t negotiate their value with the world… No one belongs here more than you.” ~ Brené Brown
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Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as, what I have felt and learned along the way. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. This year, my goal is to simply ‘be’… Be me, be kind, be compassionate, be loving, be hopeful… to just ‘be’ and to be comfortable with that… however it looks.

Peace, Love, and Grief… Life is Precious

“I view my life through eyes of wonder.” ~ Daily Word, July 30, 2023

Life is precious.

How many times have I said or written that in the last 10 years? I’ll tell you… a lot!

When Bruce died, I realized quite quickly just how precious (and precarious) life really is. We never know what will happen in the next breath. We never know if the next breath will even happen at all, because the only moment that is guaranteed is the one in which we currently are.

Just a few hours before Bruce died, we were sitting at the table laughing and planning a kayaking trip for that weekend. We went to bed that night with our normal routine – him tucking me into my side of the bed before crawling into his side, turning off the light, and snuggling up. Then, somewhere in the night, he took one breath… but not the next. That next breath… the one not promised… did not happen. His life… his precious life was over.

Just typing those words brings it all back like it was yesterday. The shock and unbelief as I struggled to make sense of what was happening to my world still rocks me to my core. I couldn’t (or wouldn’t) believe he was dead. That was impossible. We had just signed and mailed my daughter’s birthday card. We had just had the most wonderful holiday season complete with parties and dancing. We had plans for that weekend, a trip planned to Jamaica in two months… Our (early) retirement was just around the corner with dreams of sailing the Caribbean… And in one breath, it was all gone. Not only our dreams, but “us”… We were gone. We were no longer a “we”.

Life is precious.

Up to that point, I didn’t mind working 14+ hour days. (Shoot! I have even done a few 24-hour shifts in my career.) A 50 or 60-hour work week was the norm. When I taught school, it wasn’t unusual to find me there on the weekends or even well past midnight during the week. I love to be productive. I love to feel like I have a purpose for being on this earth. Shoot, I even went back to work within two weeks of Bruce’s death, because I could no longer sit and stare at the walls of my home.

Yet, it didn’t take long for me to realize that while I love my job, it isn’t my whole life. It isn’t who I am. It is only what I do… some of the time. Life is too short to work all the time. Rest and fun are important too. Isn’t there supposed to be a day of rest? Plus, watching how Bruce’s company responded to his death, I know that the business world doesn’t slow down because someone dies. They replace us (probably) faster than we can be buried.

Life is precious.

So, I learned to be a bit more selfish with my personal time. To be clear, I work hard, and I still don’t mind the occasional overtime. If there is a pending deadline or a project that requires some extra time, that is fine. I don’t mind. But I no longer feel the need to sacrifice my personal life to “prove” my worth as an employee. I take my breaks (usually going for a walk) and my full lunch (usually a short nap). I know without a doubt that no matter how much I do today, there will still be plenty to do tomorrow. So, while I am salary and not hourly, I still track my time, and the end of the day is the end of the day… (a very important concept when you work from home, and it would be quite easy to work 24/7).

Life is precious.

Today, thankfully, I had an epiphany… an “ah-ha” moment, if you will…

Yes, I have written about how precious life is. Even now, when I see couples arguing or families yelling at each other, I want to step in and beg them to stop. Life is too short to waste even a single moment on negative energy. Yes, have the hard conversations… talk things out (and that might take a while). However, there’s no need for all the other stuff… the stuff that hurts and leaves us feeling badly about ourselves and/or each other… the stuff that separates us rather than bringing us together.

Life is precious.

However, at the same time I was feeling and writing about all the preciousness of life, I was also praying that God would make my pain stop. (Legitimate, right?) However, I also prayed that God would take me too. I didn’t want to be here… alone. I wanted to be wherever Bruce was. I didn’t want to face a tomorrow that didn’t include this man I love.

It has been over a decade since Bruce passed… and while I have experienced a lot of healing in multiple ways, I still hurt. I still miss him. I still cry out in the deafening silence in my home… I still grieve.

Then, I read today’s devotional about the wonder of life…

“I think of this when disappointing life experiences chip away at my sense of awe and appreciation.” ~ Daily Word, July 30, 2023

WOW! That has been my experience these last ten years. While I recognize that life is precious, Bruce’s death definitely changed my sense of “awe and appreciation”. I was hurting too badly to see very far past all the pain.

“I open myself to the unexpected treasures happening all around me each day.” ~ Daily Word, July 30, 2023

Well, for someone who expected everyone else to realize the preciousness of life, I had obviously fallen short. Sure, I saw treasure in my family and those I love. I could still treasure the beauty of a rainbow or a newly opened flower. Yet, while those “open” moments are coming more often, it has still been something I must remind myself to do… It has not been as spontaneous as it was in years past.

“Wonder is a precious gift; one I use to appreciate the marvels unfolding before me.” ~ Daily Word, July 30, 2023

That was when it hit me. Life is precious. Without wonder, though, it becomes so much harder to experience. You see, I knew life is precious. I knew I wanted to live in a way that expressed just that. Yet, I have been missing the mark, because I have been missing that magic ingredient called wonder.

So, as I go about my day and the rest of this week, that is my goal… To not only say that life is precious, but to put some magic and wonder back into my mindset so that my thoughts, feelings, and actions also reflect that.

I love you, my friends, and let us all remember that… Life really is precious.
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Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as, what I have felt and learned along the way. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are.

Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. This year, my goal is to simply ‘be’… Be me, be kind, be compassionate, be loving, be hopeful… be filled with wonder… to just ‘be’ and to be comfortable with that… however it looks.

I am so grateful that I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

Peace, Love, and Grief… Who I Am

Before I start today, I just wanted to do a real quick follow-up to last week’s blog… Wednesday evening, while driving home, I looked up and directly to my left was the biggest, most vibrant rainbow with another fainter one right next to it. Since this week has been filled with both emotional “sunshine” and “rain” (with tears consistently watering my eyes), I couldn’t help but smile. This is life – the good and the bad, the positive and the negative… It takes all the things to make a full life, and I really needed that rainbow to remind me of just how beautiful the tapestry of my life really is. (Just wanted to share that little story.)

Today, though, I want to talk about us – you and me… those of us who were left behind when the person we love died…

If you have ever been in therapy, then you know that you will spend a lot of time looking at and evaluating oneself… That’s kind of the point, right? Well, this week, I was delving into the idea of “who am I?” and how that can (and does) change throughout our lifetime. I found myself contemplating the idea that there are a lot of factors that can (and often will) spur those changes.

One of these factors is trauma… After all, most life lessons are found in the hard things… And depending on how we manage those lessons and the aftermath, the changes that occur may be good, or they may make our life even harder… I hate to admit it, but how that goes is really up to us – up to each individual.

For example, there were things that happened in my childhood. I can’t really say it “trauma”, but that was how my childish brain experienced and processed it. However, our family didn’t talk about stuff like that. It just wasn’t considered polite to have those hard conversations, especially between a child and an adult. Instead, we avoided them. (Again, remember, I am speaking out of what I remember and processed as a child. This is not a judgement on how I was raised.) As a consequence, I didn’t learn this particular communication skill, and as an adult, I have always struggled with those hard conversations or any communication around difficult topics.

That has become a part of who I am currently, but not who I am destined to continue being… See what I mean? I can change that inner quality if I choose to work on it… (which I have been, in case you wondered).

In other words, who we are within any situation shapes how we experience it, and our experiences turn around and reshape who we are. Also, while those experiences will always be in our memories, we can still reshape those memories or learn to look at those experiences in a different way – a way that allows us to grow.

For me, I experienced the chaos of my first marriage from the perspective of fear and self-doubt. As the years passed, those were the emotions that grew… So, those became the emotions that other people saw in me… Those became my dominant inner characteristics. However, they weren’t written into my DNA… They weren’t really me… Deep down, I knew there was so much more to who I am.

Honestly, it took me hitting rock bottom…It took me realizing that I didn’t care if I went to hell for divorcing, because in my experience at that point in time, my kids and I were already living in hell. That is what it took for me to decide to get strong, face my fears… and (ultimately) leave.

So, let’s talk about inner quality changes… In the three years it took to get divorced, I got help. I worked with a therapist and started to regain and embrace the part of me that believed in myself. I wouldn’t have thought it was possible, but during those three years, the patterns and behaviors that had led us to that point got progressively worse. My ex played all kinds of games – stalling, stalking, threatening, pretty much anything to make the process just that much more difficult. Admittedly, there were days when I fell back on those old characteristics, but there were more days when I relied on my newfound inner strength and determination – despite the terror I felt with each step forward.

Then, when Bruce and I got together, he saw things in me that I didn’t even know were there. With his support and love, I continued to change and grow. Over time, I started to drop the fear and self-doubt and replace them with confidence and determination.

Then, the worst happened. Bruce died… literally in my arms… I can’t even begin to explain the trauma of trying to save the person you love from death… and failing.

Every bit of ground that I had gained over our years together disappeared when he took his last breath… I lost it… I lost all of it, (plus a little bit more). I am pretty sure I spent the first year or two in complete shock… It wasn’t long before all the self-doubt and fear returned, and I imploded… Unable to bear the thought of what life might throw my way next, I became a bit of a recluse, which only made things worse.

However, I did seek help again, and over time, I very slowly began to do the hard work to get better…

Then, this year happened. I’m not in a place to give any details. (It isn’t my story only, and I am still praying that things will get better.) However, the losses I have experienced this year have once again rocked me to my core.

The beginning of the year found me on the brink of a nervous breakdown. Thankfully, though, my therapist is good, and my God is even better! My self-loathing and self-doubt were through the roof. Yet, the few people with insight in this situation gathered around me, and despite everything else going on, I felt loved. I knew that this time, I wasn’t alone.

While it has taken many months, I have worked hard (with all of their support) and am doing okay. I have learned a lot about trauma – what it does to our brains, what it does to our psyche, what it does to us… It really does change us – even physically! Did you know that? I didn’t! Trauma actually creates changes in our brains and in our chemical make-up… Some of these are reversable, and others… well… we’ll see.

Here’s what I do know… Bruce believed in me, and the qualities he saw in me were there back then and are still in me now. I don’t need to remind myself that I am “good enough” … Instead, I need to remind myself that “I am good (period).” It’s okay if I cry and feel sad sometimes, as long as I turn around and remember that I really am loved… I do belong in this world…

I believe this journey of healing and recovery was made harder by Bruce’s death. It is a hard path to navigate alone. I would would give anything to have him here to help build me up on those days when I just can’t… And for me to do the same for him… I miss that… But… because he believed in me, I can too… Because he saw so many good qualities in me, I can too… Because he loved me… yep… I can too.

Bruce used to always say that what we do – our role in life – isn’t who we are. It is only a small part of what helps us become who we are… Such wise words… I have been focusing on those words a lot lately as I continue to evaluate who I am… My role through the years has changed many times – throughout both marriages, after my divorce, after Bruce died, and even now… Yet, that isn’t who I am… None of those roles are who I am… And I think Bruce would be proud of me because I am finally starting to believe that I am so much more than any of those… I am growing each day… And (surprisingly) I think I like who I am becoming…
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Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone. Learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. This year, my goal is to simply ‘be’… Be me, be kind, be compassionate, be loving, be hopeful… to just ‘be’ and to be comfortable with that… however it looks.

Peace, Love, and Grief… Rainbows and Butterflies

Rainbows and Butterflies… I know, it sounds more like a blog for young girls than adults dealing with grief but stay with me. Both of these things hold an analogy for this path we are traveling down.

Let’s take the rainbow for example… Even at my age, I still get excited when I see a rainbow. I love the magic of the colors floating in the sky. I love that no two rainbows ever appear to look the same to me. Sometimes they are fat and wide, sometimes they are skinny or so faint you can barely see it. Sometimes, certain colors are more vivid than others, and other times there appears to be two rainbows running parallel to each other. No matter how my day is going, I can’t help but smile whenever one appears in the sky overhead.

So, what does that have to do with us? Well… this is where the mystique of a rainbow comes into play.

You see, a rainbow requires three things – sun and rain… and the perfect position to see it. If there is only sun, there is no rainbow. If there is only rain, there is no rainbow… And if I am not in the perfect position to see the light being reflected in the raindrops, I will miss it completely. My position will also affect the rainbow’s appearance, which is why they can look so different every single time.

Scientifically, we know that if you take away any of those items, there is no rainbow… There is only sunshine or only rain… Our lives are like that – Sometimes sunshine… sometimes rain… And if you ask me, grief makes it appear to be raining a lot… (Maybe “storming” would be a more accurate term.) In other words, we have bright days, and we have dark days… and our “position” on any given day will determine what we “see”… It completely depends on where we are on the path.

Honestly, in the beginning, all I could see was the rain. My sadness and grief were all encompassing. However, life is odd, and no matter what else is going on in our world there is always some sunshine… somewhere. It just depends on our emotional position whether or not we can see it. Like our lives, it may take some time and distance, some perspective, if you will, to appreciate the blended reflections (the colors) that make our lives a thing of beauty.

The butterfly, on the other hand, is also like the journey we are on. As we know, butterflies start off as caterpillars. At this point, they eat and eat and eat… and grow and grow and grow. Then one day, nature takes over and the caterpillar forms a chrysalis. While inside the chrysalis, the caterpillar undergoes a complete transformation as it turns into a liquid, soupy substance before finally exiting as a butterfly. I say that I can’t imagine what that transformation is like, but then again, maybe I can.

Like the caterpillar, I was just going through life doing what I do – minding my business and enjoying the world around me – loving Bruce and getting “fat on life”. Suddenly, though, I found myself caught up in this terrible experience of loss and grief. Like the caterpillar in the chrysalis, my world was reduced to a mass of muckiness. I struggled and I cried. I fought it every inch of the way from the shock of it all to finding some semblance of acceptance. Over time, I began to realize that I was no longer me, and something deep inside left me knowing that I had changed and would never be the same again.

Now, I wouldn’t say that I am a beautiful butterfly. (LOL!) At the same time, though, I know that this whole process has created someone stronger and more independent; someone with a strong understanding of just how precious life is… That every moment is a gift, and what I choose to do with it is completely up to me.

I won’t say I always get this right… I have always been honest here in this space. I have shared my hard days with y’all, as well as my triumphant ones – the good and the bad… the sun and the rain… my chrysalis of grief, if you will. I know my outlook each day depends on where I am emotionally – where life has led me and who has been on the path with me. Any of this can leave me feeling like I am either back in the chrysalis or like a butterfly finally emerging from that awful muck.

It all depends on where I am in life. Yet as time passes, I find that more and more I am able to see the rainbow with its promises of hope, love, and new beginnings, or a heart-warming mix of all these things… In other words, I am learning that a life well-lived is made up of all these things…

“I give thanks for each one (bright days and darks days) … I appreciate the blended reflections that make up the beauty of living.” ~ The Daily Word, June 17, 2023.
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Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone. Learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. This year, my goal is to simply ‘be’… Be me, be kind, be compassionate, be loving, be hopeful… to just ‘be’ and to be comfortable with that… however it looks.

Peace, Love, and Grief… My Happy Place

I truly believe I am blessed… very blessed, actually. I know… That’s not something I tend to say (or write) here often enough. Yet, it is something I firmly believe to the depths of my soul… Why?

Well, there are a thousand reasons… Having had Bruce as a part of my life would be a big one… As well as, my kids, my sister, my family, Bruce’s family, my friends… (And that list could go on and on.) So many people to love and to be loved… Such blessings!

Today, though, my thoughts are centered on how I have always managed to have a “happy place” … Do you know what I mean? I am talking about that sacred space where once you enter your body seems to instantly feel a little more at peace. Whether you are there because life has gone awry and you are seeking peace, or maybe you are at one with the world and just want to fill your soul with a little more peace, it doesn’t really matter… You know this is the space to find that.

For me, that space has always been somewhere outdoors. (Funny, I know, for a girl who hates camping… I guess when it comes to creature comforts, I put a lot of stock in a real bed and a warm shower.) Still, though, I love being outdoors. (In fact, when going out to eat, if outdoor dining is an option, that will be my choice 99% of the time.)

As a child, my happy place was the woods. We lived out in the country, so exploring and meandering through the woods was how I passed my time… Quickly, it became my haven from the world. Even when I was eight and we moved closer to the city, there were still woods close by which became my safe harbor from the rest of the world. I can remember spending many hours in those woods, sitting on the rocks by the creek, sharing my thoughts out loud and “watching” them drift downstream – to be taken away by the same current tickling my toes.

During my teen years, my happy place expanded to our sailboat and being on the lake. Granted, the access was more limited… There were factors to consider, such as the weather, plus towing and launching the boat… And any of those could make or break a plan to get away. However, once I was out there, there was something about the combination of the serene quiet, the breeze, and the vast expanse of water and sky that always calmed my soul.

By college, my happy place had transformed just a bit to be anyplace by the water. Yet, the beach was (and still is) my absolute favorite… especially one little quiet beach just south of Charleston, SC. I have spent many wonderfully, solitary hours on this beach – letting her magic calm my soul and soothe my hurts.

(Almost) every year during my first marriage, this beach became the much-needed balm for my soul. Even years later, when I went through my divorce, (which was an insane three-year process), this was the place where I would come and walk for hours. This was the place where I found peace in a world that was imploding and the energy to go back and continue on.

The next year, Bruce and I met on a boat and bonded over a love for the water. The beach was both our happy place. We spent hours on or near the water creating precious memories and restoring our souls in preparation for the week ahead. Some of our favorite places were sitting by the river near our home, on our sailboat at Lake Michigan, and at the beach near our home here in Florida.

When Bruce died, we were living in this same little coastal town. So thankfully, I was still able to spend hours with my feet in the sand, watching the waves where his ashes were scattered, and trying to reclaim my life, (which felt impossible in the beginning) … This is something I still treasure being able to do.

This past week, though, I was back at that favorite, quiet beach in SC with my sister. We spent hours just sitting on the beach, the dock, and the porch – talking, laughing, sharing, reading, resting – all the things… But mostly, absorbing the magic of the ocean and the marsh as they have worked to heal my soul this week. This has been a tough year with plenty of heartache and growth, so I am extremely thankful for this space… in this time… and the calm that fills my entire being whenever I am there.
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Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone. Learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. This year, my goal is to simply ‘be’… Be me, be kind, be compassionate, be loving, be hopeful… to just ‘be’ and to be comfortable with that… however it looks.

Peace, Love, and Grief… Being Who I Am Meant to Be

Know what I miss? … I miss Bruce! (Big surprise, I’m sure.) I miss this man… This wonderful man who encouraged me to have a voice… Who encouraged me to be the person I was meant to be.

This week, I watched a docuseries on TV about a recent, popular, fundamentalist movement. This movement, as it turns out, has been quite entrenched in the religion of my childhood for a very long time. While my experience was not as extreme as the experiences of the people in the series, I still realized (quite quickly) just how much that experience has affected my entire life – from the message of “male authority” to the message of “never good enough” (and all the messages in between).

I have spent years running from all of that…

But Bruce… Dear, sweet Bruce was my hero! (My “Jesus with the skin on” as my mother liked to say.) He always thought I was enough. He, also, never believed in “male authority”. He simply wanted to love me… and for me to love him… and for both of us to be happy living as the people we were meant to be.

“Someone’s inability to see our value does not detract from our worth.” ~ Sheri McGegor, M.A., Done With the Crying

What a concept! It was something I had never experienced before Bruce. And the best part… It was completely unconditional, and it was real! Every time I think about it, my heart nearly bursts. This is how life and love are supposed to be. Yet so many of us never get here.

The problem was when Bruce died, I was lost… I didn’t know how to find any of that for myself… or by myself. That struggle has been such a huge part of my journey these past ten years.

So, while watching this series this week, for the first time ever, I realized why I have struggle so… These messages have been instilled in me since early childhood… They are deep in my bones… And I cried… a lot.

I cried for what was. I cried for what wasn’t. I cried for how this affected me as a parent. I cried for how this affected me as a wife. I cried for how this affected me as a woman. I cried out of sadness. I cried out of grief. I cried out of anger… I cried until there were no more emotions and no more tears.

Then… I remembered this hero… This man who loved me simply as me. This man who encouraged me to simply be me – the good, the bad, whatever… He loved all of me.

So tonight, as I am crying (with realization) and writing (to get all this out), I am also finding solace in the most amazing love I ever knew.

It brings to mind a conversation I had with Bruce’s Mom a couple of weeks ago… She was telling me (for the millionth time) that they, (Bruce’s family), will still love me if I were to meet someone else. They just want me to be happy. To which I replied, “Mom, I’ve had the worst of the worst, and the best of the best. (Bruce, obviously, was the best.) And I’m not willing to (or don’t want to) settle for anything in the middle.” She just smiled, patted my hand, and gave me a hug… (And I am sure, down the road, she will tell me again… because their love, too, is unconditional.)

I know – never say never, but I meant it… Bruce was amazing. He was my hero… and my kids’ hero… My love for him will last forever… And his love for me will get me there.
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Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone. Learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. This year, my goal is to simply ‘be’… Be me, be kind, be compassionate, be loving, be hopeful… to just ‘be’ and to be comfortable with that… however it looks.

Peace, Love, and Grief… Claiming My Place in the World

“I grow in courage when I step boldly into the world and take my place in it.” ~ Daily Word, June 14, 2023

Let’s just dive right in with some honesty, because I am pretty sure I am not the only one to feel this way… When Bruce died, all I wanted to do was to crawl into a hole and die too. Obviously, that didn’t really happen. Yet, in another sense, it kind of did. What?? … I know… that probably makes no sense.

What I mean is that when he died, I suddenly started isolating myself. I wasn’t even aware of it, but it is what I did…

At work, I would come in and immediately close my office door. I just couldn’t face people… And on days when I felt especially low, I would even turn off the lights in my office and pray that no one would notice me behind the computer monitors, since I am so short. As crazy as it sounds, that usually worked.

As I have written before, I had just walked away from the church I had been attending just a few short months prior. At the time, my kids all lived several hours away. And as a runner, I have always worked out at home. So, other than work, there was no other socializing.

Granted, I still had several close friends who checked in with me consistently and would urge me to join them for dinner, drinks, or just some time on the beach. But as time passed, I even found myself backing out of those commitments more and more. Overall, my world was shrinking – fast!… And I was completely content with that.

In other words, I was creating my own deep, dark hole, and my soul, my love for life, was either dead or dying…

Several years later, one of my daughters and my grandson moved in with me. I was thrilled to have the company, and the distraction from my own grief (and self-pity) was a much-needed miracle. This particular daughter is great at planning wonderful adventures. So, it wasn’t long before I found myself galivanting all over Florida and having fun…FUN?? Now that was something I never expected to do or feel again.

Also, having a child in the house forced me to stop thinking of myself and my grief 24/7. Sure, I still had my moments and my tears. (I’m only human.) However, my focus was on him, not me… And that was something I really needed. It was something I had not been able to do on my own, but at this new juncture, I had no choice.

Over the years while they lived with me, I did get out more and more. I did learn to focus on others versus myself… And I did reclaim some emotional regulation – learning to control my grief. Yes, I was still grieving, but rather than focusing all of my energy there day in and day out, I learned some balance. I learned to set some “grief boundaries” with myself by setting specific times and places where I allowed myself to let go and feel what I feel – such as when I sit down and write this blog each week. That became (and still is) my time to grieve… And the rest of the week? Well, the rest of the week, I pushed myself to stay busy focusing on the other people in my life.

Soon after, my son, as well as my youngest daughter (with her husband) moved down here too. Now, I had even more people to focus on… My grief was no longer the centerpiece of my life. All of this, I consider the miracle and blessing that saved me from myself.

What I didn’t realize at the time, though, was that I was really just following along blindly. I wasn’t really claiming my place in this world. I was still emotionally spent – too tired to really have my own plans and dreams. So, while I was climbing out of that metaphoric hole, I was doing it on everyone else’s terms – not mine. I was placing the responsibility of my outlook on the people around me. No one complained, and I didn’t realize what was happening… I thought I was healing… And I was. However, I couldn’t see that this was only a small step; I still had a long way to go.

Then, a couple of years ago, the daughter who was living with me got remarried. Of course, this also meant that she and my grandson moved out. Here was my “test”. Once again, I was alone… Was I going to fall back into old habits?

Well, my kids are great! All of them! Soon, I found myself included in something every weekend. I was just as busy as before. However, I still wasn’t being responsible for me… I was still simply following along. (I can’t imagine the drain they must have felt as they waited for me to be responsible for me.)

That is until this year…

I started the year with the intention to just “be” – be kind, be honest, be happy, be genuine… be me! I didn’t realize at the time just how life changing this would be.

You see, part of all this “be-ing” meant I needed to stop isolating myself. It has taken months, but I am learning to get out of my comfort zone and rejoin the world as me. In other words, I am finally learning to reclaim my place in this world – not as a nobody following along, but as a somebody forging her own path.

It hasn’t been easy. In fact, I would say this year has actually been one of the hardest since the first year after Bruce died. I am learning to not only face my fears on this journey, but to figure out what triggers them… and why. I have pushed myself to look honestly at myself – my habits and behaviors – to determine what works, what doesn’t, how I got here, and why I chose a particular path to begin with.

There have been some wonderful breakthroughs and just as many dark, ugly truth moments. Yet, each of these has pushed me one step further down this path. I know without a doubt there will be more and more of this in my future… I also know it is good for me (and necessary) in order to fully claim my space in this world and in my life.
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Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone. Learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. This year, my goal is to simply ‘be’… Be me, be kind, be compassionate, be loving, be hopeful… to just ‘be’ and to be comfortable with that… however it looks.

Peace, Love, and Grief… And All is Well

“Wherever I go, God is there, and all… is… well.” ~ Unknown

Well… Life is what life is, and I am a day late here… And while it is not what I had planned to write about, that has actually become my story today…

I spent the past week up in Michigan visiting with Bruce’s family and celebrating his mother’s 90th birthday. What a wonderful week. I love this family! Sometimes I am overwhelmed by the fact that even now, ten years after Bruce’s death, his family is still such an integral part of my life… They are still my family… They still call me “sister” and “daughter”… And mostly, they still love me. What a blessing in my life!

Over the last ten years, while I have had my fair share of stumbles, I have tried to continue living my life in a way that would make Bruce proud… in a way, that would reflect his love for me and my love for him. Honestly, all of that felt impossible in the beginning… When he died, I didn’t want to be here without him. Yet… here I was with a whole life still ahead.

Even as recently as a month or so ago, I have had days like that – days where I wasn’t sure why I was still here. At the same time, I have great reminders in my life as to why I am still here – reasons to smile… reasons filled with joy… And those reasons are my family… and Bruce’s family (which is also my family as they so often lovingly remind me).

So… after a fabulous week spent visiting, hugging, sharing stories and dreams, yesterday found me at the airport heading back home. No big deal… I have flown many times. There was a time when I was anxious until I was through security, but not anymore. I appreciate what they do, and as long as I am in one of the smaller airports, the overall vibe tends to be one of calm assurance.

When we boarded our plane, it was a beautiful, sunny Michigan afternoon. According to the flight itinerary, we would be in Florida within 2.5 hours. I greeted the people seated next to me and settled into my seat with my book and my pillow – ready for a relaxing, peaceful ride back home.

A couple of hours later, as we approached the airport in Florida, the pilot announced that there were storms over the area, so we would maintain our altitude above the clouds (still in the beautiful sunshine), and circle the airport as we waited for it to pass.

No worries… I was more than happy to wait since I would still have a little bit of a walk to my car in the long-term parking lot. I was more than happy not to do that in the rain. After a couple of hours of circling the area, we were given directions to land although the storm had not passed.

As the pilot began the descent into the storm, we were immediately tossed around like a child’s toy. We rolled side to side and pitched back and forth. Despite having our seatbelts on, the passengers were still being tossed around, forcing us to brace ourselves and hold onto the seats in front of us for stability. People were screaming and crying… chaos seemed to be all around us.

The funny thing is I was actually calm. Normally, I am a worrier, so this calm I felt surprised even me. As my hands fingered Bruce’s wedding ring on the chain around my neck, I just kept repeating a mantra from church, “Wherever I am, God is there, and all is well.” I was well aware of the danger. I just wasn’t scared of the outcome. I knew a few things without a doubt…

1. I knew God was with me. No matter what happened, the outcome would be what it was supposed to be.

2. If I died, Bruce would be there to meet me on the other side.

3. If we all survived, any panic would have been a waste of energy.

As it turned out, the pilot, realizing they could not control the plane and land safely, pulled back up in a steep incline. We ended up flying to the west side of the state. There we sat on the tarmac as the plane was refueled, and we waited for the storm to completely pass from our destination.

Once all was said and done, our 2.5 hour flight had become a 6 hour adventure. Then, add my one hour drive home, it was almost midnight by the time I walked in my door.

I’ll be honest… I was a little bit proud of myself. Mainly because I think Bruce would have been proud of me for all of that. Why? Because I believe my ability to focus on the things I could control rather than fear the things I couldn’t was a huge piece of his legacy that he left behind for the rest of us who knew and loved him… And if I can manage to take even a portion of that same mindset into my future, I know without a doubt that… All… will… be… well.
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Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone. Learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. This year, my goal is to simply ‘be’… Be me, be kind, be compassionate, be loving, be hopeful… to just ‘be’ and to be comfortable with that… however it looks.