Losing a loved one… losing a spouse is hard. Everyone deals with it in their own way according to the relationship and each individual personality. From the outside looking in, it appears that some people grieve long and hard while others seem to grieve quietly or move on quicker. Honestly, I believe that how a person grieves it up to them… and no one else.
In my experience, people were very understanding for the first six months or so. Even for the first year, most people were understanding and offered support. After the first year, though, I started noticing the judgement… It didn’t come from all directions, but it was frequent, and to say it was frustrating would be an understatement.
I can remember comments made about moving on or how I wasn’t the only person to ever lose someone… Back then, I was horrified and hurt at these types of comments. They weren’t helpful and only caused more pain for me to work through. I can remember people who wanted to “fix” me with essential oils or shame me with religious dogma or by telling me to consider how my on-going grief might be affecting others… No matter the approach, the ultimate message was, “Stop grieving. Stop feeling what you feel. Smile and go back to being who you were before all this.”
It was a terrible message, (not to mention impossible)… For the longest time, I questioned myself and if there was something wrong with me. There wasn’t… It was just that my way of working through this whole thing was slower than some, but just right for me. I didn’t need to be fixed, and I definitely didn’t need to be shamed. All these things did was to create more pain.
I know I’ve written about a lot of these situations before. I’ve written about things not to say to someone who is grieving. I’ve written about doing what is right for you if you are grieving and taking the time and space you need to heal. I still think that is all true.
This last week, however, (while I was away taking care of the grand-puppies), I thought about a few things…
1. Don’t feel bad about feeling bad. Your feelings are valid. This is hard and traumatic. The last thing you need to add to your pile of hurt is someone else’s opinions, especially when they have no idea. Also, (if you believe in the Christian faith), take comfort in knowing that there were times when even Jesus felt forsaken and alone, too. In other words, he gets it. He understands and there is no judgement for how you feel – only compassion. (No matter what some people will tell you.) Religion should never be used as a weapon – it should be a comfort… especially in times of hurt and grief.
2. Healing isn’t a switch – neither is love. It isn’t something that we can just turn off because that person is gone. There are good days and bad days. There are better days and not so better days. There are times when we just need to let ourselves cry, and times when we know we need to monitor our sadness for our own sakes (and no one else’s). Healing is a journey, and it takes time. So, take all the time you need… You owe yourself at least that much.
3. If you are watching someone grieve, no matter what you believe that grieving person should be doing, don’t say it. That is really just how you believe you would grieve. It is based on your personality and your relationships – not theirs. Simply be compassionate. Sit with them. Listen to them. Don’t be afraid to say the name of the person who died or to tell stories about them. Trust me when I say that means the world to the person grieving. To know it is okay to say their name – that the loved one is not forgotten is a comfort. (And if you are worried that mentioning the loved one will only bring up sadness and memories, you are wrong. The person grieving can think of nothing else. Talking about them is often a huge relief.)
That’s it… nothing earth shattering. Just a reminder to all of us that grief is hard. It is individual… and the best we can do is to just be kind and patient, and most of all… just keep loving each other.
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This journey isn’t easy… not that you need me to tell you that. Loss can be traumatic, and the grief and life we are left to figure out is hard. Healing is slow… There is a lot of trial and error, and it takes time. Thankfully, though, there are moments and actions we can take to refresh our souls and guard our joy. There are also challenges where we learn that we are stronger than we think we are… Both of these provide moments where I learn a little bit more about faith, life, and love.
Thankfully, as the years pass, I can honestly say that there are more of good moments than bad. Each day, I continue to learn more and more about those things that seem to help me heal and move forward – like sharing precious memories. So, I will continue to allow myself the space I need to heal and process this life without my love… without Bruce. Thankfully, at this point in my journey, I am learning that I am not alone – thanks to you!
In fact, none of us need to be alone, because we have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing and helps us to process that avalanche of emotions that grief brings us. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.
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