grief – Page 3 – Peace, Love & Grief

Peace, Love, and Grief – Not Fair

“That’s not fair.”

If there was ever one phrase that each of us spoke at some point in our childhood, this has to be it (or at least in the top ten). I can remember saying it as a child and my mother’s response was usually a “life’s not fair”. So… when my kids were growing up, guess what my response was to them… Yep… “Life’s not fair.”

… And it isn’t. Life is just… life.

There isn’t always fairness in what life doles out nor reason to understand it. Life just is, and as we mature, we realize that ‘fairness in all things’ is a fairly childish notion. Yet… don’t we all still have those moments when we just want it to be fair, but it isn’t? It may be hard to admit, but aren’t there still times when we want (or even need) someone or something to step in and either make it fair or explain why this particular set of circumstances might be fair after all?

… I know I do… I may not vocalize it as such, but the child in me still wants things to be fair… for all of us… even when I am on the beneficial end of something unfair. I struggle with the idea that my “gain” may have come at the cost of someone else’s “loss”. Either way, I struggle to understand. I want to know why. I want to know how. Somehow, I seem to get stuck for a bit, because I truly need to understand.

But life doesn’t usually offer explanations…

When Bruce died, I truly struggled with all of that. We were both pretty young. It felt as if we had just started our life together. How did this make any sense at all? Why him? Why us? It just wasn’t fair, and I struggled for years to wrap my brain around it.

Years later, when I was diagnosed with cancer, a lot of those same feelings came up again. I was healthy. I worked out every day. I ate right and drank moderately. The doctors used to tell me that my only “contributing factor” was the fact that I am a woman. Period. That made no sense. That didn’t answer my questions. In fact, I had even more questions, like “how was I supposed to go through this without Bruce by my side?” Without him, I had to reach out for support (both emotional and physical) from family and friends… people who had their own families and lives to deal with. None of that seemed fair… to anyone.

Then, last year in August, I was part of an 11% RIF (reduction in force). After 17 years as a high preforming employee, I was laid off along with about 2400 people, which also included many of my friends. It felt so wrong. It hurt so bad. Through the shock and stumbling at the beginning and through the job searches that followed, I struggled with all the same questions – How did this become an acceptable business solution? Why was this the solution? Why me? Why any of us? It didn’t make sense… None of it made sense… especially when that company started hiring again within a month or so.

Then, this week, at my new company, there was a RIF… again. I was stunned. I didn’t understand. I still don’t understand. This time I wasn’t let go, but now I find myself questioning why am I still here and the others aren’t? Even after only a few short months, I wonder ‘why’. Why them? How is this going to help? It feels so wrong. It feels so unfair.

This morning, while discussing this latest RIF and all of the emotions I am feeling with someone I love dearly, (and who holds very different religious/spiritual views), they responded by saying, “Well, one day, the people who made these choices will pay for their greed. They will stand before God and be judged for these decisions. They will be held to account for this. Take solace in that.”

But I don’t take solace in that. There was a time when I did… I used to believe that. In fact, I used to (half-jokingly) say that I wanted to stand behind my ex when we “go for judgement”, because I thought that would be fair after all the things he did to our family. Yet somewhere along the way, I outgrew that. I don’t even believe in that, and I don’t wish him ill. Instead, I accept the truth of what was, and at the same time, pray for ‘peace of mind’ for each of us who were in that situation… I guess, somewhere along the way, I realized that is better… That is what we need – not more judgment or anger or negativity.

Also, this morning, in my devotions, the author talked about the Buddhist practice of non-attachment. I have heard of it before, but never really understood it… until today. The author explained that non-attachment is not apathy. It is not about “not caring”. It is about accepting things as they are… as is… no judgement. Then, in my conversation with our church’s spiritual director, she went even further… Non-attachment also means not being attached to a certain outcome. It means accepting what I can’t control. (Insert a deep sigh here for me when that sunk in.)

Many people say that there are certain lessons our souls need to learn in our time here on earth. If we don’t learn a lesson, then it will keep reappearing (in different forms) until we do… until we start paying attention and doing the hard work of learning and letting go… of trusting that the Divine has a hand in all of it… of understanding that the Divine is good… and wants nothing but good for us. Period.

So instead of focusing on what isn’t fair, maybe I need to hold out and remember that life isn’t over. There is more to come. This particular moment may be incredibly hard, and I may not have any control. Maybe I need to find my voice or make some type of change or readjustment…

However, in the end, it isn’t about “fair” at all, because the idea of “fairness” is born from fear – fear of something missing. So, do I still want things to be fair? Of course, I do! But instead of worrying about controlling that, maybe I spend my time learning to ‘be’… learning to accept ‘what is’… and remembering to live from that inner space of peace that expresses love and hope to a world that has more than its fair share of fear and judgement…

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Grief is a daily challenge. It changes us we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

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Peace, Love, and Grief – Reality

“Even when emotional triggers crop up, you can quickly regain your composure and get back on track. Whatever you do, don’t get down on yourself. Acknowledge your feelings, so you can deal with them.” ~ Sheri McGregor, Done with the Crying

So many thoughts, so many feelings…

First, I want to thank everyone who sent messages of support and suggestions of how to pull myself out of the funk I was in. You are amazing!! I was in deep, and I didn’t know what else to do but be honest about that. After all, this is about my journey and that was where I found myself.

Right after Bruce died, when I first started this blog, and people were giving me suggestions on how to move forward, I was offended. That is embarrassing now, but it was where I was at the time. Then, all I could think was “who are you to tell me how to feel or what to do?”

Now, that doesn’t matter. What matters is that someone cares enough to offer help… to offer support. Whether or not I follow that advice is irrelevant… Someone cares. That is what matters. That is what warms my heart, makes me take a breath and a step back to figure out what to do next… So, to each person who cared enough to reach out, thank you! You touched my heart and changed my world.

Today is better… This week was better. Sometimes, just knowing someone cares can make a world of difference. This week, you are my heroes!

I think… no – I know… my triggers last week were multiple. A lot of it was our current cultural climate – the name calling and hatred surrounding politics and religion. (What a shame that we don’t stop to consider the effects of our words on others before we post them.) On top of that, I have realized, (after several months of waiting), that I have been the target of a cruel joke from someone I love very much. Then, per normal and despite being divorced for 20+ years, I have an ex that still doesn’t know how to move on and continues to be who he has always been by sending abusive messages – which is sad for him and obnoxiously irritating to me. (I probably shouldn’t say that here, because it will only encourage him, but it is what it is.) On top of that, I am working on some “forgiveness issues” of my own in therapy, and I guess it simply all became the “perfect storm.”

Anyway, it just felt like a lot last week. It felt like more than I could handle by myself. I would have given anything to feel Bruce’s arms enfolding me and his gentle voice assuring me that it was all okay. However, that is not to be. That is not my path. I suppose, my lesson, at this point in my journey, is to remember that life is precious and good… I am okay… and I can do this.

In fact, this was in my morning meditations today. These were the words that anchored my soul, “… love is greater that hate, peace is greater than chaos, and God is greater than everything.” * So, I will continue to breathe that in and let go of the rest.

I will remember that I can’t control what someone else does or says. That is theirs to own, and I don’t need to take it in and make it mine.

Why? Because God is great. I am good. Bruce loves me (still)… and all is well… And so, it is.

* The Daily Word, August 3, 2024
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Grief is a daily challenge. It changes us we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

Peace, Love, and Grief – Triggers

For the past several months, I have been on a “good” streak emotionally. I have missed Bruce, but I felt in control of my grief and the emotions that come with that. I think it has been the longest, good streak I have had since he died. Honestly, I have been kind of proud of myself, because the past 11 months have held a lot of challenges – deaths, family illnesses and injuries, job loss, career changes, relationship struggles, and the list goes on. In other words, life has happened, and I have maneuvered through it pretty well.

Some days I have found myself, wishing more than anything that Bruce was still here… To find my way through these obstacles without him is hard. Therapy has helped, as I have written about before, and I am pretty sure it is the reason this good streak lasted as long as it did…

Yes, … “did”… as in “past tense”…

I don’t know why things have hit me differently this week, but they have. I mean, there are always challenges and triggers, but this week, I have just felt them more… I have hurt more… I have cried more… and I have missed Bruce more. This has been one of those weeks where all I want to do is sit in my favorite chair and either cry or stare at nothing as time ticks by. (Thankfully, I had therapy this week, so I can say that I have managed this wave of grief far better than in the past… So, there’s that.)

Anyway, since the whole point of this blog is to be honest about my journey, that is what I am struggling to do today… And since I am still in the middle of this one, it really is a struggle to write anything at all.

I wish I understood triggers and the massive waves of grief that come with them. I wish I had a black and white answer for moving past them. Being a “list” person, I wish there were a list of things to do, and the grief would magically be gone… But none of that exists. Instead, I need to fight my way back out of this one.

The strange part is my triggers this week actually had more to do with the manipulation and abuse in my first marriage. Those triggers leave me feeling vulnerable and drained… When Bruce and I were first married, the kids and I had a lot of healing to do… and Bruce… kind, gentle, loving Bruce was there for us. He never shied away or acted like it wasn’t his problem. Instead, he painstakingly loved us through it – one hard moment at a time.

This week, I have missed that so much. Back then, when the emotions grew to be too much or a nightmare from past events woke me up, he would gently take me in his arms and simply hold me. He didn’t try to talk me out of my emotions or memories. He simply held me until I felt safe again… I miss that… I miss that a lot.

And that’s where I am today… I don’t want to go out. I don’t want to be social. I don’t want to talk to anyone. I don’t want to eat. I don’t want to think… I am overwhelmed with all those old emotions of being “not worthy” and “not enough”, while also wishing beyond anything else that I could feel Bruce’s arms holding me. Instead, the tears keep flowing, and I am struggling to even breathe.

I don’t want to end this message on that note, but if I am going to be honest, this is where I am emotionally today. At the same time, I also know all of those things that happened, and all these emotions that have been triggered, they are from the past… That past is no longer my world. I survived that and got out… and married a man who always showed me I am worthy, and I am enough.

So… I know it will get better, and with any luck at all, I will wake up tomorrow feeling a little bit stronger and little bit better… And until then, I will simply be patient with myself.
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Grief is a daily challenge. It changes us we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

Peace, Love, and Grief – Relationships

Humans are built to be relational – with others… and with ourselves. We do this through… wait for it… Yep, relationships… So, what is a relationship?

I was asked this question yesterday, and honestly, I struggled at first to answer… Did they want a dictionary definition? Did they want a distinction between good and bad relationships? Then, they simply repeated the question and waited… What is a relationship?

I finally responded by describing my relationship with Bruce… This relationship was so completely different from all the others in my life at that time. Ours was the first one that I knew without a doubt was completely without conditions – unconditional love… What a gift!!

As most other people I knew growing up, our home was an authoritarian one. My father was “in charge” … And my mother and our religion backed him – always… and the goal that was always presented (at home and at church) was perfection… While we knew we could never achieve perfection, we were to strive for it anyway – at all times and in all things.

(Before I go any further, please know I am not saying this in anger. It is simply what was… It was a different time with different cultural expectations. I sincerely believe that each person was doing what they thought was best with the knowledge and experience they possessed – nothing more, nothing less.)

Needless to say, though, I failed miserably at this pursuit and was well aware of my failures in this realm even as a toddler. For me, as a result, I spent most of my life trying to convince others that I was worthy of being loved by trying to be whatever I thought they wanted me to be… which only led to more feelings of failure because who could love me, when I didn’t feel it was safe to love myself and show anyone who I really was.

Over time, it became a cycle of screwing up (failing), jumping back on the “perfection” train and trying again, only to fail again… and again… and again. Why? Because perfection is an ideological myth. Perfection is defined by the person doing the judging, which means the needle is always moving… and how do you live a life like that?

What if, instead, we were to realize that the Divine has created each of us and sees us as His/Her whole and perfect creation? What if we really took it to heart that God created and declared that we are good simply because we are His/Her creation?

That was what I experienced with Bruce. That was the relationship that changed my entire world.

After my divorce, my Momma told me that she was praying that I would find someone who could love me with the love of Jesus – but with skin on… In other words, someone who understood that we are simply to relate to each other with the love of the Christ – a fully conscious decision to accept someone’s differences, personality, quirks, and all that makes them who they are. How close we grow with that person depends on how we relate to each other, but judgements and grandiose expectations are not needed.

In answer to her prayers, Bruce entered my world, and that is exactly what he offered me… A relationship without judgement… a relationship that allowed – no, supported and encouraged – me to simply be me. I could pursue my dreams. I could make my mistakes. I could determine the path I wanted to follow… In other words, I could live my life – not one someone else envisioned for me… And through it all, Bruce constantly reiterated his support and love… Whenever I asked if there was something more he needed from me (something I had always been taught to do, especially as a woman), the answer was always the same…

“Just love me,” he would say with a smile. “That’s all… just keep loving me.”

In that moment, I knew… Bruce and I saw each other at our best and at our worst… and it didn’t matter. Love is love and that really was the only requirement in the relationship.

What an amazing feeling! To know without a doubt that I was lovable as me – nothing more was needed – “perfection” be damned. I was enough… I was worthy as I was… and Bruce loved me just as the Divine created me.

That my friends, is a relationship… That was my answer to the question… And that, I believe, is how we are called to love each other.
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Grief is a daily challenge. It changes us we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

Peace, Love, and Grief – Blessings

Hello, my friends! I apologize for missing last week. I was on vacation. (Sadly, due to certain situations in my life, I never feel safe making that announcement beforehand.)

This week, I want to do something a little bit different. I want to offer blessings to each and every one of us. I know that is such an old custom – one that seems to be lost these days. It’s odd that the judgement piece seems so entrenched in our culture, but to offer blessings is not… and I think we could all use a little more blessing in our lives.

So… This is for you… and me…

Blessings for those who are grieving…

Blessings to those whose heart is struggling to comprehend what has happened.
… And to those who watched death come slowly – forcing them to grieve twice.

Blessings to those who have already cried enough tears to fill every ocean on the planet.
… And to those who can’t cry at all.

Blessings to those who are grieving their own way.
… And to those who have lost other relationships because they can’t grieve the way someone else believes they should.

Blessings to those who are struggling with feelings of loneliness or abandonment.
… And to those who don’t know how they will face the rest of their days alone.

Blessings to those who are wrestling with depression or thoughts of suicide.
… And to those who don’t even want to face tomorrow.

Blessings to those who keep going through the motions.
… And to those who don’t know why they even bother most days.

Blessings to those whose only accomplishment today was getting out of bed.
… And to those who couldn’t even do that.

Blessings to those who smile and say “thank you” when offered shallow platitudes
… And to those who can’t, don’t or won’t.

Blessings to those who feel abandoned or unsupported by their faith.
… And to those have lost their faith because, after all, how could a God of love and understanding allow this.

Blessings to those who don’t know how to handle all the things – all of the many roles that are now theirs.
… And to those who are angry because all of this is so unfair.

Blessings to those who think they will never smile or laugh again.
… And to those who feel guilty when they do.

Blessings to those who wake up alone, go to bed alone and spend every moment in between alone.
… And to those who can’t figure out the reason they are still here – alone.

Blessings to those who are enduring the judgement of others while still fighting this pain.
… And to those who wear sunglasses in public so no one can see that they are crying.

Blessings to those who can’t celebrate the holidays.
… To those who try to celebrate by setting a place at the table for their lost loved one.

Blessings to those who are taking things one day at a time.
… And to those who pray constantly for this pain to end.

Blessings to those who wait to cry in the shower or in the bed at night so no one else will hear.
… And to those who can’t seem to stop the flow of tears.

Blessings to those who want to give up.
… And to those who are determined to keep moving forward.

Blessings to all of us… We are hurting.
It is pain that is shared and, yet it is still as individual as each and every one of us.

Blessings to us all as we find our way along this journey… one step at a time.
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Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

Peace, Love, and Grief – Trying to Bloom

Bloom where you are planted…

I believe I have seen this saying on so many schoolroom walls that when I see it now, I just look right past it… until today when it showed up at the very end of my devotional.

Seriously? I’m a grown up, not a kid… And yet, even at this point in my life, I must admit that I am still just chugging through, day-by-day, trying to make sense out of this life. Last week, I talked about the “10 steps” *, and where I am currently on that path. (There were several that still have me stumbling along.)

Step 7: Finding Meaning, Step 8: Redefining Ourselves, Step 9: Living with Our Loss, and Step 10: Accepting Life – these seem to be the ones where I am currently working. So, when I saw the phrase, “bloom where you are planted”, those steps instantly popped into my mind along with the thought that I am (finally) “growing” where I have been planted… But I’m not blooming… I am definitely not blooming.

There may be a few buds on the branches, however, I still have such mixed feelings about my love for Bruce, his death, and my life without him still in front of me… It is all like some big, jumbled knot where I want to bloom. I want to be happy. I want to just live my life and “be”.

At the same time, all of that feels pointless and blank. I struggle to get to a place emotionally where doing all of that without Bruce will somehow be okay… True, I am better than I was… but I know I still have a long way to go.

How do I get there? I know Bruce is dead. I believe I have accepted that. However, it is the part where I see beyond that that is the problem. Learning to find the joy in life without the instant desire to share that moment with Bruce is a challenge. Learning to make my way through the twists and turns that life throws at each of us every day… all on my own… is even harder.

Wouldn’t you know it, though? Life… the universe… the Divine (use whatever word makes you comfortable) somehow has a way of answering our questions if we will just slow down and be quiet long enough to hear…

So, as I turned to the next book in my current morning routine, (still pondering “how to bloom” where I am), this paragraph seemed to jump from the page…

“Acceptance does not mean you agree with, condone, appreciate, or even like what has happened. Acceptance means that you know, regardless of what happened, that there is something bigger than you at work… You know that you are okay and that you will continue to be okay.” ~ Iyanla Vanzant, Forgiveness

That was just what I needed to hear to get my brain moving…

Then, I remembered Step 6: Faith… That is where I need to look. While I have gone to church my entire life, I felt deserted by that faith years ago. So, I am well aware that my own faith journey really just started in the last few years. It has taken me a long time to deconstruct what I was told to believe and to reconstruct what I know and believe through my own experiences.

I know that is the step that will help me figure out the others… That is the step that will lead me to a place where I can find meaning, redefine myself, learn to live with this loss, accept the life I have been gifted… and, finally, to bloom.

Will I get there today? Nope… I probably won’t even get there this year, but I am on the right path, and so there is no hurry. Life will keep providing the insight and I will keep growing… There is no need to pretend I have all the answers – I don’t. I readily admit to the challenges in my world since Bruce died… But I won’t give up on myself… I won’t give up on learning to bloom right here where I am currently planted.

* I Wasn’t Ready to Say Goodbye, by Brook Noel & Pamela D. Blair, PhD, 2008 edition, pp208 – 209
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Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

Peace, Love, and Grief – Not Ready Yet

Not long after Bruce passed, I read a book entitled, I Wasn’t Ready to Say Goodbye, by Noel and Blaire. Back then, a friend at work had given me a stack of books about grief to read that had helped her when her husband passed away unexpectedly. The title on this one caught my eye because it was exactly how I felt… not ready to say goodbye.

This week, while browsing through my bookshelves, I found myself pulling this one back off the shelf. At first, I even questioned myself on why… Why would I pick this one up again? … It’s simple… The title is still 100% accurate… Even now, 11+ years later, I can tell you that I wasn’t ready to say goodbye then, and I’m still not ready now.

That probably sounds a little crazy. It’s been over 11 years, after all. I believe I have faced and accepted the reality of Bruce’s death… It has been a long, hard road with lots of ups and downs… lots of progress and some backsliding. However, no matter what, I know Bruce is dead. I know he is not coming back…

I also know that the love I felt for him all those years ago has not faded in the least. I loved him then, and I love him now. Maybe I should be ready to say goodbye, but I’m not.

I think the answer lies in my own interpretation. To me, “saying goodbye” is about more than just healing from his loss. To me, “saying goodbye” is about closing the door on “us” permanently… Letting go and moving on without looking back… And that is something I just can’t do. While I can accept what is, there is also the fact that my love for him does not have an on and off switch. I can’t simply tell myself, “Okay, that is done; turn it off,” like a light switch on wall… turn it off, close the door, and walk away.

It just doesn’t work that way. There is more to love and relationships than that… a lot more.

So, I started flipping through the book, reading things I had marked back then, and found so many things that are still relevant for me… Still things I want to work on and work toward. One of those things that caught my eye was the “Ten Step Pathway”, which this week allowed me to take stock… To see where I have been, where I am currently, and where I am likely to move to next on this journey.

I thought I would put that Ten Step list here (minus the explanations in the book) just in case there is anyone else out there who might find some wisdom in this idea…

The Ten Step Pathway *

Step 1: Shock and Survival
I definitely hit this step hard and it lasted for a few years… In fact, there are still days when the survival part is just as active.

Step 2: The Feelings Rollercoaster
This was my definite next step… Journaling and writing poetry has become my pathway to expressing and releasing those emotions so that they are not so completely overwhelming.

Step 3: Understanding Our Story
This part I find truly bittersweet… Recalling so many precious memories and breaking them down even further to understand “us” has gone a long way to helping me realize just how blessed I was to have known Bruce at all.

Step 4: Acknowledgement and Active Grieving
I spent a long time here… I admit that it took me a while to acknowledge and accept what is. Yet the true act of grieving couldn’t even start until I did.

Step 5: Forgiveness
For me this step had multiple layers. I needed to forgive myself for not saving Bruce that night, … and I needed to forgive him for dying and leaving me here. That probably sounds a bit crazy, but it was what I felt and what I needed to work through before I could start to move ahead. With the help of EMDR, I believe that I finally got past this obstacle last fall.

Step 6: Faith
Technically, I started on this journey before Bruce passed – leaving “the church” a few months before that terrible night. However, my reconstruction of my faith didn’t start until about a year or so after Bruce died. I believe I am still actively on this step – exploring, defining, rebuilding and repairing my faith. (In fact, to my way of thinking, this should always be an on-going step.)

Step 7: Finding Meaning
I think I am just getting started on this step… trying to find and accept that Bruce’s death can bring new meaning to other areas of my life is hard. For me, there is guilt in even searching for the good in such an event. So… There are days, I can do this, but those days are still rare.

Step 8: Redefining Ourselves
For me, therapy has gone a long way to help me with this… To keep the best parts of who I was with Bruce and mix those with the best parts of who I was before and after Bruce… A challenge I am actually enjoying.

Step 9: Living with Our Loss
This is a step where I have mixed feelings still… Yes, I am learning to accept and live a positive life. However, I must still be careful, because even now it is very easy for me to fall down the rabbit hole of grief and get stuck there for a day or two.

Step 10: Accepting Life
I am working hard to simply “be” here on this step. I know it is up to me to live my life as fully as possible. I am working at saying “yes” to life more often. It is still a struggle even now, but I just keep reminding myself and evaluating my response when “no” is what I want to say, such as – Am I limiting myself due to my grief or is it simply something that I would not be interested in no matter what?

Those are the steps. For me, this was a good exercise is simply evaluating where I am and what I am working on… The good news is – there is no deadline to get “there”. I can take my time. Through the years, I have learned that this is a one-day-at-a-time journey, and I am happy to give myself the time I need to do it.

Peace, Love, and Grief – The House That Love Built

“Through unconditional love and faith, I witnessed the transformative power of God’s grace, not only in my daughter’s life but in my own as well. I learned that no matter the person, their errors, and our own beliefs, everyone deserves unconditional love.”
~ Emanuel Walker, Daily Word, May/June 2024

When Bruce and I decided to get married, there was a lot to consider besides the two of us being in love. We needed to decide where we would live. We had to consider our teenage children and how this would impact each one’s world in vastly different ways.

I will admit, I was hesitant. I knew that I loved Bruce. I also knew that what I was bringing into the marriage involved an ex who couldn’t seem to let go, bad credit due to losing everything I owned to a Ponzi scheme, two kids in college and the expenses that go with that, two kids in high school (one of which was over 18 and chose not to move to Michigan), and the fact that my kids and I were still reeling and recovering from our past chaotic and abusive home life.

Bruce, however, had no hesitation. Even knowing all of that, and also understanding that there was likely much more he didn’t know, he had unwavering faith that this would be a good thing. Don’t get me wrong… He also had some concerns about how his own daughter would handle suddenly going from being his only child to having four instant siblings (3 of whom were girls).

It was a lot… and anyone with a blended family knows that none of it is easy. What Bruce knew, though, (that I had yet to experience), was the magical power of unconditional love… And that is exactly what he offered my kids.

I had spent most of my family’s lives trying to “manage” my ex’s temper by trying to be the “perfect” family… to take away his excuses for his anger. That was impossible, of course, but that had become my norm. It was the only way I knew at the time to protect my kids… and I loved them fiercely. (I still do.) For me, this “mask” I was trying to create was necessary for their (our) protection.

However, once Bruce and I were married and settled in Michigan, I saw just how transformative that unconditional love truly was… And he offered it so freely.

Within a few short months, there was no resistance from any of the kids, as they each referred to him as their “dad”. My four couldn’t help but love this man who offered guidance, friendship, compassion, and a model of what a good father truly is… All underscored with a love that carried no judgements or expectations of who or what any of them should be.

Bruce was an amazing father to all (now) five of his kids. To my knowledge, he never failed them or let them down. He attended concerts and graduations. He met potential boyfriends and made sure they understood his expectations for dating one of his daughters. He made sure that despite the distance, we all got together as often as possible so that ties were strengthened – not lost. In simply words… he just loved us. That’s it.

So… here I am on Father’s Day morning, remembering… and missing… and so very thankful… because not only was I the benefactor of that amazing man’s love, so were my kids… So, even though, he is gone, Bruce’s legacy of unconditional love is not… And just that thought alone can make me smile today.
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Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

Peace, Love, and Grief – Sometimes It Just Feels So Absurd

Grief is so strange. Seriously, I don’t think there is anything normal about it… And yet, this new path is supposedly our “new normal”. I don’t get it… Grief, really and truly, is anything but.

This week, while listening to a podcast, the woman (talking about the death of her husband) said, “It feels so absurd.” YES! Exactly! That is exactly it!

It feels so absurd that he is gone. It feels so absurd to live here alone. It feels so absurd to celebrate anything without him. It feels so absurd that I still find myself thinking, “Bruce would love this place,” whenever I find a new fun place. It feels so absurd that I still find myself listening for his truck in the driveway almost every single night. It feels so absurd to think that he isn’t coming home again… ever.

It all feels so absurd… And yet, it is what it is, and I can’t do anything to change it.

I can work on changing me, though, and I do. It is a daily, on-going process and some days I am more successful than others… But I stick with it… Mainly because what other choice is there?

Sometimes, though, I get a little reminder of our love. Whether that is because Bruce is still around, (maybe on another plane) or maybe it is the energy of our love still in the air, I don’t know… And honestly, I don’t care. It is not in me to break it down and inspect it. Instead, I simply recognize that these moments make me smile, and that is a precious gift, indeed.

This week, I had one of those moments. It was the morning after the podcast I mentioned above. I woke up thinking about the people in my life – those who have left and those who are still here. I don’t know what I had been dreaming, but that was where my head was.

Per usual, I turned on the radio and got into the shower. Now, I can’t hear the radio while the water is running, which is fine, I just like to have it on for when I get out and start getting dressed. While I was in the shower that morning, my thoughts went from the people in my life to Bruce. I found myself thinking about how somedays it feels like he just died yesterday and other times, it feels like I have been doing this alone forever…

As I turned off the water and reached for my towel, I heard it… the song, God Bless the Broken Road… That was “our” song almost from day one. I stopped, closed my eyes, and just let the song take me back… back to Bruce… and I smiled. In that moment my heart felt so full… Full of the love we shared… and if I’m honest, still do.

Then, it hit me that maybe… just maybe… this was another one of his “messages” – a message that he is here with me whether I know it or not… whether I can feel him or not… It may be absurd, but maybe I’m not so alone after all.
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Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

Peace, Love, and Grief – Legacy of Love

“I learned that no matter the person, their errors, and our own beliefs, everyone deserves unconditional love.” ~ Emanuel Walker, The Daily Word: May June 2024

I know I write a lot about the legacy Bruce left behind. This week as I contemplate the relationships in my life, I find myself thanking him. Why? Maybe it is because the life he lived and the legacy he left behind has completely changed my own…

After my divorce and before I ever met Bruce, my mother wrote me a letter and in it she said, “I pray every day that you will find someone to love you like Jesus loves you – completely and unconditionally. After the violence and chaos of my first marriage, all I could think was, “I’m good. I just want some peace in my life.” Still… I thanked her for the kind words, because they really did mean a lot to me… even if I wasn’t on board.

Just a few short months later, I found myself on a cruise through the Caribbean falling in love in this man who offered me exactly that – complete and unconditional love.

I won’t lie. It was hard for me to understand and accept in the beginning. I had never known a love that didn’t require anything of me other than love… no rules… no choking down my own thoughts or opinions. Instead, there was a mutual respect that allowed each of us to be who we are… and even allowances for being human.

I’m almost ashamed to admit it, but even after many years, I struggled to understand it. There were times when I would start to revert back to what I knew… or thought I knew about love, but he always led the way and encouraged me to simply be me… He really and truly just wanted that… for me to be me.

He just had this knowing that we needed to each be who we were as individuals – no changing to meet the other’s expectations. In fact, the only expectation that he ever expressed was that of mutual devotion… And he made that so easy.

But it didn’t stop there… He extended that same unconditional love to our kids – his and mine. When we got married, we had five teenagers between us – he had one, and I had four. So, you can only imagine all that came with that situation.

It wasn’t impossible, though. They were and still are wonderful people with loving hearts. At the same time, they had a lot to figure out. My kids were coming out of the same environment I had been in, (and all of the emotional baggage that came with that) and his daughter suddenly found herself going from being her father’s only child to having a lot of siblings. It wasn’t easy for any of them, and we both knew that.

Yet, he managed to maintain that same unwavering, unconditional love for each and every one.

Did that mean he simply sat back and said nothing as they managed those difficult teen years – no. However, when he did step in, it was always with patience and love, and (with mine) it came with suggestions – not demands. He never tried to replace their father, but to simply be a loving person in their lives. I can’t even begin to tell you the miraculous effect it had on four teens who had only known anger, violence, and chaos from their biological father.

So, this week, as I look back on what was before Bruce, what came with Bruce, and what has come after Bruce, all I know is that I was so blessed with the gift of his love… A love that showed me exactly what love is really all about… Because love never demands that we give up any part of ourselves or that we be anything other than ourselves. We can still love those who choose not to love us as we are… who would rather walk away than to accept us for who we are… and that’s okay. It hurts, but it is honest… Because love – unconditional love – is just that – total and complete with no other demands… and I have been so blessed to have experienced that at least once in this lifetime.
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Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.