Peace, love, grief… and happiness? Wait… What?? That can’t be right… How do those things even exist in the same universe?
I felt that way for such a long time… Twelve years ago, I didn’t think I would ever feel happy again. How could I?? The one person on this planet that made me feel happy, even when the world was falling apart was gone… Not just gone for a little while, but gone… as in forever… as in, I will never see him smile or hear him laugh again… I will never know his tender touch or feel the comfort of his presence. Without that, how could I ever be happy again?
The answer (in my mind) – I couldn’t. I felt that I was bound to live out the rest of my days in sadness… And I did that for a very long time.
Then, one day when I wasn’t expecting it, I found myself smiling at something. I can’t even remember what it was that made me smile. I can remember the instant guilt I felt for feeling happy, even for a moment, when Bruce was gone and would never share those feelings with me again.
That battle lasted for quite a while – feeling happy in a moment and then instant guilt for feeling that way. I can’t say exactly when the tide started to turn, but I do know that the first piece of that puzzle to dissipate was the guilt… Somehow it seemed to switch to a deep feeling of sadness – all for the same reasons, but sadness for those reasons vs guilt for my happiness in that moment.
As the years have passed, those moments of happiness have occurred more often, and those happy feelings are more and more abundant and lasting. The sadness though, is still there, … even if it is only in the background.
I have learned that life isn’t life without all of the emotions that are in our repertoire. It is good and healthy to feel all the things… and to learn to manage all the things.
Now a days, I feel happy quite often. When I am struggling with sadness or depression, I make myself look for the good… That seems to be the only way back out of the darkness. And when I start seeing the good again, happiness isn’t far behind. (Thank heavens!)
I will admit, when something good happens, when I am happy or laughing, more than anything I still find myself thinking how much Bruce would love it too – or not (which makes me laugh even harder, to be honest). Sure, in that moment, I find myself feeling those twinges of sadness that he isn’t here to share in the joy, but then I find myself thinking that perhaps he is…
Maybe it is a way to comfort myself or maybe it is real, but I continue to feel his energy around me, so maybe… just maybe… he is here sharing in the happiness of the moment… or maybe he is just happy that I have learned to be happy again…
And that, I believe, might be one of the true miracles that love offers us – even when we grieve.
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Grief is a daily challenge. It changes us in ways we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.
Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone.
Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you. Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*
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