I think one of the hardest parts of grieving is the constant feeling of being judged. I know… I’ve talked about this several times before but only because it IS such a constant phenomenon. There seems to be so many people are SO sure they would do things “different,” (aka – “better”). In fact when this whole thing started, I think I even had that same thought process… I was determined… I would to go to a support group, “get better,” and learn to be a “good widow.” HA! What a load of craziness!
At about the 9 – 10 month point, I remember having a conversation with someone that went something like this…
Them: How are you doing this week?
Me: Okay… trying to get get through each day… still really sad and angry. It’s just still so hard to believe this is all real. I just don’t want to accept it.
Them: How about Bruce’s Mom? How is she?
Me: About the same… She is trying, but she is really hurting.
Silence.
Me: She lost her son… that’s not the natural order of things… I think she is struggling… I think she is still deeply grieving. Who could blame her?
Them: Humph… Well,… you two need to remember that you are not the first people to lose a husband or a son. (All the while, this person’s spouse is sitting right beside them and all of their children are alive and well.)
At the time I was so offended by the callousness of those words, I had to end the conversation or risk being rude. Since that day, I have recalled those words many times, and they have always managed to hit me wrong… up until this week.
This week I had one of those moments when I could say, “Yes… and…”
What is “Yes,and?” It is method I have used in meetings and training sessions when I want participants to feel comfortable offering ideas without worry of being made to feel dumb or silly.
It works like this – Whenever someone puts an idea “on the table,” whether the next person agrees or not, they are not allowed to judge or critique the previous idea. Instead, they may only add their idea to “the pile” by saying, “Yes, and… (fill in with another idea.)”
This has always been a great way to get a lot of thoughts and opinions out in the open without confrontation. Then, once all the ideas have been “safely” offered, the real conversation can begin as we add and mix all the ideas and come up with the best solution available… And all because a “safety zone” was created around the initial communication of ideas.
I can’t remember exactly what I was listening to when it hit me, but suddenly I realized…
I can still end any conversation if that is necessary. However, instead of being angry or frustrated when people say things that are hurtful, what if, instead, I responded in my heart with, “Yes and… (fill in with the reality and ideas).”
So right now… today… I want to go back to that conversation and turn it around. In my heart, I can hear it this way now…
Them: Humph… Well,… you two need to remember that you are not the first people to lose a husband or a son. (All the while, this person’s spouse is sitting right beside them and all of their children are alive and well.)
Me: Yes, that is true… and because I am not the only one, I can now (3 years later) offer to walk beside someone who is new on this journey. Someone who is hurting, or lost, or angry… Whatever they are feeling, I am now able to come along beside them, either physically or by way of this blog and say, “I am here too. You are not alone. Let me walk beside you. Let me offer you comfort in knowing that you are not alone and together we can figure this out.”
Yes, and trust me when I say…
There is a peace that comes with acceptance,
And a love that is always remembered.
Linda, Sept. 2013
Yes, and… What about you? Are you struggling on this journey? Looking for another soul to walk beside you? OR are you at a point where you are ready to come along and walk beside another?
This is our virtual community. Let us reach out to another. Let us offer the support we know is needed on this journey… Let us not leave anyone to do this alone when there are so many of us out there.
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