Tag: widow

Peace, Love and Grief… Memories

Memories, pressed between the pages of my mind
Memories, sweetened through the ages just like wine
Quiet thought come floating down
And settle softly to the ground
Like golden autumn leaves around my feet
I touched them and they burst apart with sweet memories *

Some days it seems as if this part of my journey isn’t real… This part where I am alone. How can my heart still be so connected to his heart if he is gone? The memories are so strong and still so vibrant, I feel as if I could reach out and still touch him or still hear his laughter in my ear… Even four years later, it doesn’t seem possible that Bruce is really gone. It is a piece of reality that is hard to accept most days… and nearly impossible on others.

Yet, it is those same vibrant memories that have held me up and sustained me throughout this journey… These memories have not just helped me to survive (as in the beginning), but more recently, they have given me the strength and courage to actually live again.

When I think of Bruce, my heart still flutters as I remember his kind eyes… In fact, I think that was what initially attracted me to him… Those eyes spoke of a soul that was kinder than any I have ever known. Of course, there are so many other things I remember which also make me smile – his mischievous grin, his quiet laughter, and his gentle touch to name a few.

But it doesn’t end there… There are so many precious moments frozen in time here in my heart – memories of dancing in the kitchen, walking on the beach, snuggling on the couch and lying safely in his arms.

Sweet memories
Of holding hands and red bouquets
And twilight trimmed in purple haze
And laughing eyes and simple ways
And quiet nights and gentle days with you *

I love remembering our first meeting in the islands – memories of a brand-new love and intimate conversations within the cocoon of our own, private, little world. I even treasure the memories of the times we disagreed (and made up), as much as the many adventures we shared. Each memory is incredibly precious… Each one reminds me of a time when we were together and for us, love become something almost tangible.

Memories, pressed between the pages of my mind
Memories, sweetened through the ages just like wine
Memories, memories*

Then, there is the memory of that last night… A night I have tried to forget, but instead, each horrible moment is permanently etched in my mind… It is a night I still wish had never happened, but one I will always remember… The night I was forced to say, “Goodbye.”

However, my faith tells me that night was not the end… Thankfully, I have a faith that tells I will see Bruce again, and we will be together throughout eternity. It is that very idea that allows me to pick up the pieces and live my life here… to love each moment as it comes…

Thankful for what was… Thankful for what is… And thankful for what will come.

There’s a part of you that recognizes that you’re really not of this world. There’s something within you that is birthless and deathless and that has no form. It has no beginning, and it has no end.
~ Wayne Dyer

Learning to navigate through this journey is different for everyone… We all move through it at our own pace and in our own way… and we each have our own memories that help us make it through. What are some of your favorite memories? Would you be willing to share one or two? If you are someone who needs a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. *

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

* Songwriters: Donald Baldwin / Jeffrey Bowen / Kathy Wakefield
Memories lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC

Peace, Love and Grief… Thoughts on Father’s Day

I thought we had forever…
I never knew we were counting down
From the day we met.
~ Linda, September

As I write this week, Father’s Day is on the horizon, and all I can think about is what a wonderful father Bruce was… not just to his own daughter, but to my kids, as well. The best part was he never set out trying to be my kids’ “dad.” From his perspective, the whole stepfather-is-dad thing didn’t usually work out well. However, life has a funny way of making things happen when we least expect it…

From my kids’ perspective, their biological father had created such turmoil throughout their childhood that trust was in short supply. However, it didn’t take long before Bruce’s gentle spirit and unconditional acceptance of who they were captured their hearts and helped heal so many hurts.

One of my favorite moments was our first Father’s Day together… The day when Bruce knew without a doubt this new family belonged to both of us… It was our family, and he was smack dab in the middle of it.

We had known each other for about one and a half years and had been married for only seven months. While my other kids were developing their own (positive) relationships with Bruce, my youngest had been giving him quite a run for his money since we had married. (In her defense, she was the only child who had to move 1000 miles with me to Michigan and was understandably angry.) In fact, by this point, we were both resigned to the idea that this “family” thing might take a while… A loooong while…

But as fate would have it, when Bruce and I returned home from church that morning, there was my youngest with a tray of homemade cookies and a card on top for “Dad.” As she handed the tray to him, she sheepishly asked him if it was okay… Would he mind being her Dad? Instantly, he pulled her into a great, big bear hug. For the longest time, they simply held each other and wiped the tears out of their eyes.

For me, my love for Bruce grew even more (as if that was possible) in that moment. After all, how can a woman not love a man who loves her children like his own. But, how did he manage to do that? How did he make such a significant difference in such a brief time?

I think I summed it up best one Father’s Day when I wrote:

To my Bruce: Happy Father’s Day, Babe. Thank you for being a true dad to my kids. Thank you for stepping into their lives and showing them what a healthy man and a healthy marriage looks like. Thank you for loving us all unconditionally – no judgement, no preconceived expectations – nothing but love. In the short time we have had together, you have taught us so much. You have brought healing where we did not think it was possible, and you have changed our lives forever. I have told you every day, and I will say it again, “You are my hero, and I love you forever!”

Besides the fact that all of this has been on my mind this week, why would I bother sharing it here? I’ll tell you why… Because if your father (or the person who fills that role) is still alive, please don’t hesitate to tell them what they mean to you. You may think they know… but maybe they don’t… or maybe they just need to hear it one more time.

After all, we live in a world of incredible beauty and promise. Each day and each person here is a gift… enjoy it!

The trouble is, you think you have time. ~ Buddha

Learning to navigate through this journey is different for everyone… We all move through it at our own pace and in our own way… and we each have our memories that bring tears and the memories that make us smile… each one precious in its own way. What are some of your favorite memories? If so, would you be willing to share your story? What better way to remember and honor those we love than by sharing their stories. If you aren’t ready to share your stories or you are someone who needs a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. *

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… The Search for Real Peace

There seems to be so many obstacles and things to learn in this journey called life… And when your life journey includes a grief journey, things really change. The obstacles change and there are new things to learn that you never even thought of before. For me however, whatever the obstacle or lesson, finding some kind of peace seems to always be at the core… And the hardest part of that can be determining if that peace is real peace, or if it is something else simply masquerading as peace.

Do you know what do I mean?

In past blogs, I have written about things people have said or done. Some things are positive… They are incredibly helpful, healing and create a sense of peace. Other things, however, aren’t helpful at all… They leave me feeling like I am less than a person – These things are not healing, and do not create a sense of peace.

Why is that? I believe it is due to several factors…

I think some of it is because people don’t know what to say or do when someone they care about is grieving. I sincerely believe (most of the time) people’s hearts are in the right place, but without any personal experience, they rely on “Hollywood” or what they have heard others say. While they mean well, they don’t realize how absolutely hollow many of those words and phrases are.

There are also those who may or may not have any personal experience with loss. (However, for them, that really doesn’t matter.) Either way, they are convinced they have the answers. According to them, if I would just do as they say, I would “get over it”… And when I don’t, they push even harder. I want to believe they mean well, but I wish they could understand their answers aren’t necessarily my answers.

Then, there is my part in all of this… I know I am a passive communicator. In my soul, I just want everyone to get along, so I tend to bite my tongue – not speaking up or being honest about how some of these words and actions affect me. However, while I might convince myself I am “keeping the peace,” it is a false sense of peace… Because in actuality, there is no peace within that space.

I think one of the biggest things I have learned on this journey is there are two kinds of peace…

First, there is the fake peace created when I don’t speak up. True – there is no conflict… at least not externally. However, in my heart, there is great conflict and hurt. There is a feeling of being “squelched” or put down… A feeling of being less than who I really am. There is also a fear here that if I am honest and speak up for myself, I will no longer be loved. I call this “fake peace,” because it is a mask… It is not real, and it is not healing in any sense of the word.

Real peace, however, is completely different… This is found in the relationships where I know I can be honest… and still be loved. This is the space where I feel heard and understood, and which allows me to listen and understand others, as well. In this space, there is no one with “power” over the other, because no one is perceived as weak. Because there is an understanding of what is sacred within each of us, we are able to find a commonality that strengthens and heals…

In other words, when there is real peace… There is also hope… and that is where the healing can start to happen.

There is a peace that comes with acceptance,
And a love that is always remembered.
~ Linda, September 2013

Learning to navigate through this journey is different for everyone… We all move through it at our own pace and in our own way… and we each have our own lessons we must learn. Have you ever found yourself wondering what happened to listening and being compassionate toward one another? Have you ever doubted your own value in this world? If so, would you be willing to share your experience, there may be someone else out there who needs to hear it. If you are someone who needs a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. *

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Your Value – Priceless

Another quiet Sunday at the beach thinking of Bruce… missing Bruce to be more precise. I am so frustrated this morning. There just seems to be such a lack of compassion and warmth in the world lately. I see it here in this town, but from the news and things I hear from my friends, I think it is an “everywhere” phenomenon.

Bruce and I moved here six years ago. Even then, there weren’t very many people who talked to us, even at church. I remember the fall before he passed, I finally gave up finding a “church home.” I had tried church after church for two years, but there was no place I felt welcome.

I can remember times when no one would shake my hand for the sign of peace. However, the worst day was when I heard a message from the pulpit filled with judgement and anger… But you can’t learn to love others when you “fill up” on judgment and anger… That was it for me… I gave up… I came home in tears and fell into Bruce’s arms.

I remember crying for days (to the point of giving myself a black eye). While I felt hopeless at the time, it ended up being a good thing, because that was the start of my own spiritual journey. This is what brought me to the point of knowing I needed to find my own faith – not one based on someone else’s experience, but a faith based on my own journey.

When Bruce died two months later, I was so angry with God. I felt so utterly alone. He was gone and (for the first time in my life) I had no church family to lean on either… Why did God hate me so? I have to admit, I had a few “choice” words for God, and for months I let him (or her) know… I was hurting. I was angry… And I was so very alone.

There were so many things about “us” that I missed… There were the practical things like the way he handled our finances, the taxes, home and car repairs and how he took on as many of the household chores as I did – We were a team. I missed the fun stuff, too – time at the beach, vacations, cooking together and dancing in the kitchen. I also missed the quiet moments spent snuggling or just holding hands, laying in his arms as we slept and making love.

But I think one of the things I missed most of all was the underlying emotion in all of these…the feeling that Bruce didn’t just love me… He valued me. No matter what we were doing (or not doing), he always made me feel that I was enough. I didn’t need to be anything different, nor did I need to be more of something. I was enough just like I was!

That was such an amazing feeling – to know that I had value just as I was… But then he was gone , and all too quickly, the world around me started telling me I wasn’t enough… I needed to change this or do that. It didn’t take long until I was left feeling like I wasn’t enough… like I no longer had any value.

Why am I telling you this? What is my point?

Because this was the point where I really had to start digging deep… searching for what I really believed about my faith… and me. And what I found was they were both intertwined.

It started by me wanting to understand what made Bruce the person he was… so rooted in love, confidence in himself and acceptance of the world around him. To me, he had been the best example of what Jesus must have been like. Funny though, church was not his thing. I mean, he would if I asked him, but it was not the space where he felt close to or connected with God.

So, I started listening to the people he had listened to and reading the books he read. I started weighing and measuring and evaluating everything I thought I believed… And before too long (Okay – maybe it was actually a year or two), I started making a shift… a real change in direction. Two of the biggest changes came in the realization that:

1. “If it isn’t about love, it isn’t about God” ~ Susan Russell

This simple statement “allowed” me to let go of so much anger. I came to understand that just because a person uses religion, or holy text or even “God” to justify a non-loving action, that doesn’t make it right. I learned to look past the words (especially the ones designed to create guilt or fear), and instead I learned to focus on whether there was love and/or compassion in the action. If not, I’m no longer interested in being a part of it… Now, I can walk away without a second thought or glance behind.

2. “A person doesn’t know they have value unless someone shows them they are valued.” ~ Greg Boyle

This is where I was… And this is where I hope I can make a difference. For me, the simplicity of the word “namaste” is one the best ways I know to live this – “The divine in me recognizes the divine in you.” I believe when I apply this thought process to whomever I encounter (my family, co-workers, strangers I pass, the homeless and the other widows/widowers who have also been left alone), I can make a difference. All of us need to know we are enough… All of us need to know we have value, and all of us need to know someone else recognizes that, as well.

That is what Bruce did, and that is the legacy he left behind… And I know it is a legacy filled with God, because it is a legacy filled with love….

Learning to navigate through this journey is different for everyone… We all move through it at our own pace and in our own way… and we each have our own lessons we must learn. Have you ever found yourself wondering what happened to loving and showing compassion to our fellow man? Have you ever doubted your own value in this world? If so, would you be willing to share your experience, there may be someone else out there who needs to hear it. If you are someone who needs a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. *

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Feeling Stressed… But Finding Strength

This week I heard a story of a grandfather in South America who took his grandson to the seashore one day to witness a spectacular annual event. Early in the morning as they arrived on the beach, a large colony of penguins emerged from the ocean. This particular species of penguin is known for being extremely strong swimmers. In fact, they spend most of their time in the water, and therefore feel quite vulnerable on land. The reason for their annual visit to this particular beach lay about 100 yards away… It is their burrows where they return each year to mate.

As the young boy and his grandfather watched, small groups of penguins would start to waddle toward their burrows, but inevitably, after only a few yards, something would spook them – a shadow, a bird overhead, or even the wind in the scrub or brush nearby. Immediately, the group would turn and scurry back to the water’s edge where they felt strong… and safe. This scenario of slow progression played out all day, until just as the sun was setting, the last group of penguins found the courage needed to brave the 100 yards of open land to their burrows.

At this point, the grandfather turned to his grandson and said, “There will be times in this life when you must leave your safety zone in order to get to the next place you need to be. The journey there may leave you feeling vulnerable, but you must find the courage to face your fears – both real and imagined. The important thing is to never give up… It may take you longer than you (or others) think it should, but as long as you never give up, you have not failed… You have succeeded… and grown stronger in the process.”

As I listened to this story, it really hit home…

My time with Bruce was my “time in the ocean.” It was when I felt safe… It was when I felt strong. The burrows represent my future… my life if I choose to move forward. And finally, the 100 yards of open beach filled with dangers – “both real and imagined” – is my time of grief… My time of learning to live without Bruce by my side.

As time passes, I am moving further up the beach, closer and closer to my burrow. Yet each time I feel hurt or afraid, I want to run back to the shore… back to my time (and memories) with Bruce. BUT my life is ahead of me… I know that… I know I must be willing to be vulnerable and allow myself to grow in order to really live again…

But how?

This week I still found myself trying to figure out how to leave the hurt and judgement from others behind… But as life seems to do, my answer came a few days later in the form of a quote from Theodore Roosevelt…

“It’s not the critic who counts! It’s not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done it better. The credit belongs to the person who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred with blood and sweat and dust, who at the best, in the end, knows the triumph of high achievement, and who, at worse, if he fails, he fails daring greatly!”

Oh, my gosh! How true!

Changes in life are hard! They throw us onto the beach or into the arena… And grief and loss are some of the hardest changes of all. As I make my way on this journey, I know there will be both successes and failures…

But I must remember I am the one in the arena… I am the one “marred with blood and sweat and dust.” And what someone “sitting in the stands” thinks of me doesn’t really matter, because …

I am the one who, day by day… step by step, is daring greatly…

Learning to navigate through this journey is different for everyone… We all move through it at our own pace and in our own way. Have you ever found yourself wishing others could be more patient and less judgmental? Sometimes we just need to be reminded that we are the ones in the arena… And we show courage with each step we take (no matter how small). If you would be willing to share your experience, there may be someone else out there who needs to hear it. If you are someone who needs a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. *

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Feeling Stressed

I have debated even writing today… Usually, I make sure whatever I am writing about, I can end on a positive note. However, today (this whole week, actually) I have felt stressed, and I’m not sure I have anything positive to say. But since my mission is to be honest about my journey… here I am… feeling down and not quite sure where to go with it…

I remember growing up… my grandfather loved me so much! No matter what I did, he only seemed to see the good in me… I am sure he was the same with all the grandchildren, but that is something special I will always cherish. Sadly, he passed away when I was in college. It was a loss that still haunts me to this day. At the time, I wondered if anyone would ever love and believe in me the way he did…

Then, many years later, I was blessed to meet Bruce. And once again, I found myself loved by someone who only saw the good… someone who truly showed me unconditional love… What a rare gift!

When Bruce passed, I found myself struggling in a world where people have been all too quick to tell me what is wrong with me or what I “need to fix.” At a time, when I have really needed people to simply come along and walk beside me, I have found myself under constant scrutiny and judgement.

For example, I remember being raked over the coals in front of a room of 20+ women. I left the room in tears – struggling to maintain some type of dignity while doubting my own worth. Another time, I received a five-page letter describing (in detail) all the areas where the sender found me lacking. I still do not understand why they felt the need to send it. A year ago, I was told my “lifestyle is unacceptable”… Although, I’m not even sure what that means since I’m pretty sure I am neither bad nor immoral… I work, I work out, I eat, I sleep and I love my family… (Sounds dangerous, huh?)

So, these last few days, this is where my mind has been… focused on those who choose to see something wrong with me… Not a good place, I know. I realize I am giving them way too much power in my head, but I feel like I am drowning… I am struggling to simply breathe.

I know there are many times when I am not at my best… Times when I am sad and angry and grieving… Most people who have been through this understand… The judgement I encounter seems to come from those who have not been here, but somehow, they seem “know” how they would respond if they found themselves on this same journey.

I know I shouldn’t let any of this get to me… I know “what other people think of me is none of my business.” But, when the judgement comes from people you love (and you wish could truly love you back), it can be a little hard to ignore. In fact, even as I write this, the tears are still building and falling…

How do I stop it? How do I decide what others think really doesn’t matter? How do I remind myself that Bruce saw in me a woman worth loving?

I know I will spend this week, working on just that… working on remembering that Bruce loved me… That there are people (even now) who still love me… And the people who choose to judge me? Well… I need to remind myself that I can still love them without taking their judgement into my heart.

Learning to navigate through this journey is different for everyone… We all move through it at our own pace and in our own way. Have you ever found yourself wishing others could be more patient and less judgmental? Perhaps you have had moments like I had this week. If so, would you be willing to share your experience? Perhaps there is someone else out there who needs to hear your story too. If you are someone who needs a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. *

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Then and Now… Now and Then

I remember when this whole grief thing started… I was such an emotional wreck! At the support group I joined, I remember the leader talking about all the different emotions we were experiencing… or soon would…. And she was right… Life quickly became an emotional roller coaster that seemed to have no end.

I believe I felt every emotion under the sun, and the craziest part was any particular emotion could hit at any time… any place… and sometimes several at a time.

Journal Entry, August 15, 2013:

This grief thing can make you feel like you are losing your mind. One day (or moment) can be fine and you think you are getting it together and the next can be so dark. I am really struggling…

Sometimes there was no rhyme or reason to what I felt… I just felt it. Other times, the emotions could be triggered by something familiar, such as his SUV in the driveway, his clothes still hanging in the closet or a semi on the highway (similar to the one he drove). Other times just seeing other couples our age (or older) together (holding hands) or seeing someone with mannerisms similar to his could bring on tears… In other words, it could be any thing at any time… I just never knew.

As a consequence, I started wearing sunglasses on my head everywhere I went… Why? Because when the tears started, the glasses came down to cover my eyes (even in the middle of the grocery store).

For the longest time, I thought that would be the way I would live forever… but it isn’t. I’m not sure where along the way I felt safe without the sunglasses… a little more in control of my emotions. But eventually, I found myself leaving the glasses behind and (at least for the most part) controlling the tears in public.

However, I can’t say that control is a 100% thing… There are still moments where I am caught off guard and the tears come of their own accord. For example, this week was a good week. However, on Friday as I was leaving my martial arts class, I needed to talk to the instructor for a moment. As I glanced outside, I caught a brief glimpse of someone that looked just like Bruce. Even though I knew it wasn’t Bruce, it still caught me by surprise, and suddenly I found my eyes filling with tears.

To give myself time to regain control, I started “searching” in my gear bag (for absolutely nothing). While my head was down, someone else walked up to speak to the instructor. (Thankfully!) And, in their interaction something was said that made me laugh… (I don’t know if I have ever been so thankful for laughter before that moment.) At that point, I was able to regain some semblance of control, lift my head, thank them for the laugh and move on.

So this week, even after all these years, I came to realize that I am still vulnerable to “those” moments… I know, without a doubt, this journey is a long one… And while I need others to walk beside me, the hard work is still mine to do, as I wrote years ago…

Journal Entry, August 29, 2014:

“Widowhood is the long learning to do without the presence of the loved one. It is a task demanding the utmost patience, and a willingness to look, again and again, at those paths and places where the loved one walked, sat, lived, and slept, and does so no more.” ~ Martha Hickman, Healing After Loss

Me: So much of the time I feel so alone on this journey… so out of sync with everyone else around me… this quote explains the why so well. It is my journey and no one can do it for me… So please, be patient with me…

Learning to navigate through this journey is different for everyone… We all move through it at our own pace and in our own way. Perhaps you have had moments like I had this week. Perhaps you have experienced those emotions that come on faster than you can control your reaction to them. If so, would you be willing to share your experience? Perhaps there is someone else out there who needs to hear your story too. If you are someone who needs a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. *

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Happy Birthday, Babe!

Over the last four years, this week has become one of the harder weeks of the year for me. It is the week of Bruce’s birthday. It makes me smile to think when he was alive, we usually spent this week celebrating with his parents on the Gulf Coast. It was always a week we looked forward to every year, and it was filled with family time, card games, beach time… and mostly love and laughs. Now, I only take his birthday off, and while I try to make it a day of celebrating the man and his life, it is still a day which holds a certain amount of sadness.

I want to be honest and share some of what I felt… Some of this may sound like self-pitying, ranting, but since my journal (and this blog) are the only places I feel safe enough to express myself without holding back, I believe anyone else experiencing loss will understand… There is a frustration that is not normally expressed, but isn’t healthy to completely ignore either…

Journal Entry – 4/12

Hi Babe! Tomorrow is your birthday (and the anniversary of your memorial). I still miss you more that anything… Sometimes I feel like I can’t even breathe – like tonight. I still don’t understand… Why us? Why were we only given a few short years? I know so many people who don’t love their spouses… They stay together because it’s comfortable (or convenient). But you and I – two people who loved each other more than anything – we were ripped apart… I don’t get it… Why? For what purpose? Is this really the act of a loving God? A caring universe? I just want you back! I just want us back! I want to feel you hold me – feel your breath as you whisper in my ear, and your sweet gentle kisses on my neck. (sigh) How long? This hurts so much! I try to stay busy these days so I don’t have a lot of time to get inside my own head. But when I do, I still hurt; I still miss you… and I still love you! I pray God will help me though tomorrow… : ( I love you, Babe! (Always and forever!)

Journal Entry – 4/13

Morning:
Happy Birthday, Babe! Today is bittersweet… I am beyond thankful for you and our time together. I feel absolutely blessed to have known you, held you and loved you… And so incredibly sad that you are gone. This still hurts so bad. I thought by now (after four years) I would have moved on… or at least not hurt this much… But I was wrong. People have sent me lots of messages today to say they are praying for me. I appreciate that – I really do, but I don’t want prayers… I want you! I want this stupid, horrible nightmare to end! I want to see you smile and hear you laugh. I want to sit side-by-side on the beach holding your hand. I want to hug you and lay in your arms. I want to hear your voice and tell you “I love you.” I want all these things… and more. But I can’t have any of it, so I guess the prayers aren’t just kind gestures… I guess I really need them. : (

I went for a (very slow) bridge walk this morning – not for the exercise, but to just breathe the salt air and observe the wildlife… to just “be”… and remember all the times we did just that together. : ) Now I am sitting on the beach, where four years ago we watched from the shore as your ashes were scattered offshore, and we did our best to say our good-byes. I have “toasted” you with coconut rum (in honor of the islands where we met, fell in love and honeymooned so many years ago). It feels right to celebrate you simply and at the beach.

While we were usually in Gulf Shores, we always spent the day on the beach – drinking, napping, meeting and talking to new people and loving our time together… Little did I know how precious that time was… To quote Andy Bernard (The Office – Final Episode), “I wish we knew we were in the ‘good old days’ while we are still in them” … Yeah – me too!

I remember our first “Bruce’s Birthday Vacation” we took together. We had only known each other a few months, but we already knew we had a “forever” thing. We both flew to your folks’ place and met up at the airport. Since ours was a long-distance relationship, we just held each other for what felt like an eternity. I don’t think either of us wanted to let go.

I remember driving to their house and meeting your parents for the first time. (I was so nervous!) But they were extremely kind… I remember your Dad telling me that he knew he already loved me, because he loved anyone who could put such a smile back on your face after so many years. Then in the next moment, he grabbed my left hand, asked where the ring was and when we were getting married. LOL!

We were both horribly embarrassed, but that didn’t stop him. He pushed that topic all weekend. (But, to his credit, he was right. Seven months later, we were saying “I do” just as he predicted.) : ) (sigh)

I miss you, Babe… I hate that I am sitting here alone… I love you! Happy Birthday, Babe!

Afternoon:
Memories of your last birthday here popped up on my Face Book: On This Day feature this morning… You had gone the week before your birthday to your folks’ (without me, since I had to work), so you and your sister could celebrate your birthdays together. You had fun, but you and I argued about something ugly you said to me while you were gone. What did you do?… You came home with flowers, hugs, kisses and a genuine apology.

Since you had been gone that week, though, you had to work on your actual birthday – Something you hadn’t done since I met you, but a trade-off you had made. On your birthday, I had “Birthday Fairy” gifts (2) for you (as usual). They weren’t much – some craft beer you liked and some BBQ tools, but you smiled and said, “Thank you.”

That night I had plenty of time to make your cake, wrap your presents and decorate the house before you got home. But you came home in a mood! Whoa! I don’t know what had transpired, but you came home pissed! You could barely look at or talk to me. When I carefully asked about cake and presents, you just said “no” and stormed off to bed. I was absolutely crushed! It was so unlike you! I remember Skyping with my dear friend, Caroline, and crying my eyes out. To this day, I still don’t know exactly what happened. All I know is the next day we hardly spoke, and I went on to bed before you even came home… your cake and presents still sitting on the table.

The following day, (two days after your birthday), I was sitting on the couch when you came home, sat beside me, took my hand, and kissed it. Then, you apologized. You said you had been dumb. You didn’t realize there was cake and more presents. (Not sure how you missed them.) You thought I had ignored your birthday for the most part, and you were hurt. Then, you asked if we could have cake and open your presents. I forgave you (of course) and we finally did the cake and presents thing… But to this day, I don’t understand what really happened… And I hate that your last birthday here was probably your worst… I’m sorry if I did something to screw it up, Babe. I’m sorry your last birthday wasn’t the best birthday… We didn’t know it would be your last… I’m sorry.

Now as I write this blog, Bruce’s birthday has passed, and Easter is here. According to my faith, it is a celebration of resurrection… a reminder that our life here isn’t really the end. I believe in eternal life – I do – and it does bring me some comfort knowing that I will see Bruce again one day – that (eventually) we will be together for the rest of forever. However, that does not hold much comfort in the day to day living of my life… this life without Bruce.

Right now, I am alone… He is gone and I am still here… and (most likely) it will be that way for many years. Sometimes I wonder if he will be by my side when it is finally my time to go? Will he still love me then?… I believe so… I believe this love we share is beyond this time and space… But “one day” is not today, so, what do I do with all of that for now?

Well… I will continue to celebrate the man, his life and his legacy. I will be thankful for what was and look forward to what will be… And I will continue to learn how to live and enjoy the present… one celebration at a time… one day at a time… one step at a time…

Learning to navigate through this journey is different for everyone… We all move through it at our own pace and in our own way. Perhaps you have had moments like I had this week. Perhaps the birthday of your loved one or celebrations of life bring on similar or even different thoughts and emotions. If so, would you be willing to share your experience? Perhaps there is someone else out there who needs to hear your story too. If you are someone who needs a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. (1)

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

1 Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

2 The Birthday Fairy comes the night before your birthday while you are sleeping and leaves small gifts for you to open as soon as you wake up. (This is to make it easier to wait until the “big celebration” at the end of the day to open all the “real” birthday gifts.) This has been a tradition in our family since my children were little. I had introduced Bruce to this tradition on our first birthday vacation to his parent’s home years earlier.

Peace, Love and Grief… Still Trying to Figure It Out

I can’t believe you are no longer here…
… No longer looking at the same blue sky.
… No longer smelling the fresh air of morning.
… No longer feeling the sand under your feet.
… No longer looking at the same moon
or smelling the salt air
or hearing the whisper of the wind.
… No longer able to share experiences.
No longer a part of this world…
No longer a part of MY world…
I wonder if this will ever feel normal…
~ Linda, April 2017

I have spent so much time this week wondering if I will ever get used to this whole grief/loss/widow thing… It’s weird…

I will have days, even weeks, where I feel like I am doing okay – good, even. Then something happens – something I would have been excited to share with Bruce. It can be something big, like a bonus or promotion at work, or it can be something as simple as a quiet moment on the porch watching the sun set.

In the first few seconds, I find myself thinking, “Oh my gosh, Babe, you’re not going to believe this…” Then, just as quickly, I remember where my life is and where he is… or isn’t. He isn’t here… and I want to cry all over again.

This week, though, I found myself wondering how long will this go on? Will I ever get used to this? Will life ever feel “normal” again? And for goodness sake, why can’t I just let go?

I’m not sure there’s an answer to those questions, but I figured out a few things that I believe hold true for me…

While listening to a speaker this week (I can’t remember his name), he quoted the scripture, “Perfect love casts out fear,” and a realization hit me. As I have said, before when I first met Bruce, I was healing from an abusive past. However, his unconditional love and acceptance changed my life. And the best part is, he (and his family) said I changed his world for the better, as well. We both came into the relationship with our scars, but found healing in the love we shared. For us, it really was a perfect love.

When he died, I felt like I lost that… a lot of the old fear, worry and self-doubt returned. I didn’t think I could survive without him… But I have. I still miss him, though… And there are still days when I doubt myself and wish more than anything he were still here… More than anything, I want to feel him hold me and tell me it’s all going to be okay.

I’m not sure if what I’m about to say will make sense, but I will try because I have read about and talked to other widows and heard similar stories and similar frustrations…

Another thing I miss is Bruce’s quiet, gentle soul… He was protective but not aggressive… loving, not controlling… I mention this because since he passed, I have experienced a side of our culture that I would have sworn didn’t really exist… It is hurtful, and it is frustrating… And it involves a few beliefs out there about widows…

(1) We are desperately seeking a new husband. – This is a NO! At least, not me… or most of the widows I have spoken to. I am constantly shocked when people tell me to “move on and find someone new.” (Seriously?!) Give me time… Time to grieve… Time to heal and figure things out… However long it takes. This is not a switch that can be simply flipped on or off. Please just trust me, I’m not saying it will or won’t happen. I’m not saying “never,” but not right now… and there will never be a “hunt” or desperate search.

(2) Widows are desperate for sex. – Can I just say how absolutely insulting this is?!… Not just the thought itself, but the way it plays out. It blows my mind! Maybe it is today’s culture (and maybe I just don’t fit in), but getting random, inappropriate (aka – crude) messages from men (usually married or in a relationship) absolutely infuriates me.

Now, as I try to find my way in this world without Bruce – as I learn to stand firmly on my own two feet – I find myself remembering advice he used to give that I laughed off at the time. He would tell me to be cautious… to be kind and accepting of where people are on their journey, but trust needs to be earned, not just given out freely. Since Bruce died, especially as more time passes (and I experience the two scenarios above over and over), I realize how true those words are… And I miss him even more.

I always told Bruce he was my hero… Those words are so true…. And now, I miss my hero… I miss having him beside me… And I’m not sure that will ever change…

Learning to navigate through this journey is different for everyone… We all move through it at our own pace and in our own way. Perhaps you have had moments like I had this week. If so, would you be willing to share your experience? Perhaps there is someone else out there who needs to hear your story too. If you are someone who needs a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. *

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… The Four Cs

I didn’t Cause it.
I can’t Control it.
I can’t Cure it.
I can learn to Cope with it.
~ Unknown

When I was going through my divorce years ago, it was hard. Even knowing it was the right thing to do did not make it any easier. I was raised to believe in commitment… divorce was not supposed to be an option. Yet, there I was going through one of the (then) hardest milestones of my life… To admit that this man could never love me or our family (likely because he couldn’t love himself) was one of the hardest things to admit and believe.

In my core, I knew what I had to do, and I did it, but it was a struggle. I dealt with a lot of guilt put in place by years and years of a religion that said “divorce is wrong no matter what.” I also dealt with an obsessive spouse who refused to let go… someone who harassed our children and me non-stop… It felt like hell on earth for all of us.

I can’t remember at what point my mother sent these four lines to me. However, I do remember that it sat on my bedside table for years as I worked to heal from years of abuse. Those lines gave me a lot of strength as I released the guilt, fear and anger, and (slowly over time) replaced it with confidence and peace. While I know the first three lines are usually seen in AA materials, the difference was in that last line… “I can learn to cope with it” … That line gave me hope that there was something better waiting in my future.

And there was… His name was Bruce…

He walked into my life when I wasn’t looking for anyone and loved me when I didn’t believe anyone ever could. He taught me that life is fun and filled with adventure. He helped me realize that I am stronger than I ever imagined. He taught me to love again… and to trust again…

He showed me how to “cope with it.”

Somewhere through the years, I tucked that piece of paper in a drawer with other random notes and papers. I haven’t thought about it for years… until this week. Don’t ask me how, but despite three moves, I came across this same piece of paper in my writing desk drawer this week. How it got there, I have no idea. (It is so bizarre that it would show up now, after all these years.)

However, what I do know is April is a hard month for me. (It is Bruce’s birthday month.) Already, I have had more crying moments than usual… I know I needed to see this paper again… and there it was.

When Bruce died, I lost all hope… Our life had been so perfect… so full… everything I could have ever wished for. But in a moment, all that was gone… vanished… finished. I have spent the last four years learning to live life again… Only this time, I have to do it alone. Admittedly, some days I am more successful than others, but I keep at it… And I refuse to quit trying.

Today when these lines crossed my path once again, I felt like it was a message from Bruce… A note telling me that I can do this. I can learn to cope with it… I can learn to trust again… I can learn to hope again… (Although, whether I ever love again remains to be seen.)… But I will take it one day at a time as I learn to “cope with it.”

Grief is hard, but I believe that God (or the Universe or whatever you want to call it) puts things and people in our path that we need at the time. Sometimes these things that pop into our path seem so simple, yet they can make all the difference in our outlook.

Learning to navigate through this journey is different for everyone… We all move through it at our own pace and in our own way. Perhaps you have had moments like I had this week. If so, would you be willing to share your experience? Perhaps there is someone else out there who needs to hear your story too. If you are someone who needs a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. *

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.