widow – Page 38 – Peace, Love & Grief

Peace, Love and Grief… Learning to sing again

Music has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. At four years old, I was started singing in our church’s children’s choir. At seven, I started piano lessons. In middle school, band was added to the agenda, and in High School I added singing competitively and musicals to a world I loved.

In truth, music was my outlet. It was how I worked through my emotions. As a teenager, I would play out my emotional highs and lows on the piano, and as an adult, I would utilize either the piano or singing. Whatever I was feeling, music was a safe place to express myself.

This love for music extended into my adult life. My kids and music were my life. I taught music in a small parochial school, directed show choirs, directed childrens’ choirs, sang in adult choirs, was a member of the Director’s Guild, sang as cantor at our church and taught voice and piano lessons.

When Bruce and I married, I moved to Michigan. This meant a change in my job, but singing was still a major part of my life. Music was so much a part of who I was that I could not imagine a day without it.

Then Bruce died and the light in my world went dark… I stopped playing piano. I stopped singing. It was as if my music was gone, too. My poor parents tried many times to convince me that I just needed to try. They tried to remind me how much music had helped me in the past, but I couldn’t…

I don’t mean I wouldn’t… I mean I couldn’t – really and truly, physically couldn’t. I would try to turn on the radio and just sing along but nothing would come out… except tears. I didn’t know how to explain it to anyone including myself. (Evidently, this is a common response to stress, but I didn’t know that at the time.)

Whenever someone would bring it up, I would respond, “I don’t sing anymore – not since Bruce died,” and leave it at that. I also tried playing piano but that usually just ended in a crying session. After a while, I just accepted that this was one of those changes I needed to accept… Bruce was gone. My music was gone. I just needed to move on with my life.

After a few months, I learned to use other creative outlets for my grief, such as painting or gardening. These were quiet endeavors that allowed me to get lost inside my own head… I’m not sure – perhaps I am over-analyzing it, but I think I was struggling so hard to keep from falling completely apart that I needed the outlet to be quiet… controlled, if you will. That way I could keep myself together and not “go off the deep end.”

I remember about a year after Bruce passed away, I opened a fortune cookie and it read, “You have music inside you. Let it out.” I remember smiling and thinking, “Not yet… I’m not ready.” A few months later I was listening to Wayne Dyer when he said, “Don’t die with your music still in you.” (Yes, I am aware that he was referring to one’s life purpose, but it really struck home with me.)

That lasted for almost two years… Two years of no songs… just silence. Until…

Until last Christmas, when I decided to participate in Christmas again. As I wrote recently, one of the first things that triggered the Christmas season for me in the past was playing the first Christmas music of the year on Thanksgiving Day. I spent last Thanksgiving with one of my daughters, her husband and my grandson, and true to tradition, they did the same.

At first I cringed a little bit… I wasn’t sure how to respond until I heard a sweet child’s voice. My little Bubba singing as loud as he could and filled with more joy than I could imagine.

I smiled, said a quick prayer, took a deep breath, opened my mouth and… (wait for it….) sang along. : ) In fact, we all sang all weekend. I even sang all the way home. I don’t know how to explain how victorious it felt to be able to sing and express myself again in a way that is pure joy and fun for me.

This year, my life has taken a completely new direction. As I have moved more and more into the life coaching realm, I know without a doubt my life’s purpose now is one of serving and helping others. While I don’t feel called to make music the central focus of my life again, having it back in my life gives me a fun outlet that feels like an old familiar friend.

I, also, know that my creativity helps me approach life in a more positive way… and all because of the sweet innocence and love of a child.

When we lose someone, our lives change drastically. Did you feel you lost something that had been an integral part of who you were? What did you do? Would you be willing to share your story or thoughts? To do so, go to the comments and leave a note.*

Who knows… your story may the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… What do you do with the stocking?

From what I see in my neighborhood and on Face Book, most of us have already decked our halls… I did mine after I returned from my Thanksgiving trip. Inititally, I wasn’t going to decorate this year. Not to avoid the holiday, it just seems like a huge amount of work, and I’m the only one to see it.

“I’ll just put up the Christmas Village,” I thought. Then, it was the nutcrackers… As I opened each container, I found myself smiling as I remembered Christmases past with Bruce and my kids. It was such a beautiful, bittersweet trip, I ended up decorating after all… But this experience was quite different from last year’s.

That first year, I ignored Christmas, so there was nothing to think about. Last year, though, I thought I was ready until I opened that first container… and there right on top, was Bruce’s stocking… Right where I had packed it after our last Christmas together… A Christmas when I thought we still had the rest of our lives to celebrate this holiday over and over.

Journal Entry – Dec 2, 2014

Hi Babe… feeling down… really struggling and missing you. Yesterday was okay – good actually… Until I started some Christmas decorating last night. : ( I thought I was ready. I thought I would be okay, but it broke me. I didn’t do Christmas last year, so this is my first time unpacking this stuff since you died. And since this box represents our last few weeks together, the memories are bittersweet and the tears seem to be endless. All I managed to get out were two nativity sets, the light brick and the stocking holders. (What am I going to do with those?) Hang one stocking? Do I hang yours? I don’t know what to do there… What do I do? I cried myself to sleep and woke up still crying. I’m not very good at this whole widow/grief thing. I can’t seem to just “move on.” I still love and miss you so much! How can this be my life? How can you be gone? How does someone with so much love and life just cease to exist? I don’t think I will ever understand this.

I keep remembering how much you loved Christmas – all the decorations and the music… your big ole’ grin when you watched me decorate or when you put on the Christmas music; your big smile that first Christmas when you laid on your belly in the snow to cut down the tree my youngest daughter had picked; how much you loved all the treats (even though you swore you didn’t eat sweets) and how excited you got about getting me the “perfect” gift. You loved the fact that this season was all about family and that was what you celebrated. When we were in Michigan, your folks would be there for the whole month and we would spend as much time as possible with them. This was also the time we would spend a week with my family back home. All that is gone now… It was you, Babe. You brought the magic to our lives and now you’re gone. Now I don’t know what to do. I’m so lost… I thought I could do this, but now… I don’t know.

Journal Entry – Dec 3, 2014

Hey Babe! Wow! Yesterday was tough. I didn’t leave the house all day… Shoot – I couldn’t stop crying all day. I’m still kind of emotionally tender today, but definitely doing better today. The stocking thing really threw me for a loop. I ended up going on-line and searching. Turns out, my reaction is common… What to do with the stocking throws a lot of us for a loop. There were all kinds of ideas and suggestions. I’m going with the only one that made me smile when I read it. I’m hanging your stocking and placing paper next to it. Then, I am going to write Christmas memories on the paper (as I remember or people send them) and place them in the stocking. I’ve already had three people send memories. : ) It makes me smile. I still cried some, but I managed to finish the decorating. I still wish you were here… you loved all of this… I don’t know about next year, but this will work for this year.

So… What am I doing this year? The same… Bruce’s stocking is right next to mine – where it belongs. The paper is there and I am writing and adding memories as I remember them. This year I wasn’t caught off-guard, and the memories make me smile. I still wish he were here. I probably always will because I still love and miss him.

Over the past few months, gratitude has become a part of my new mantra, so instead of crying over what is lost, I am thankful for what was… for all the wonderful memories of those Christmases past.

And, believe it or not, I find myself looking forward to whatever new memories are waiting to be made.

Have you ever found yourself caught off-guard like this? What did you do? Would you be willing to share your story or thoughts? To do so, go to the comments and leave a note.*

Who knows… your story may the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love and Grief… Lessons learned at Thanksgiving – part 2

Painting Life

For a painting to truly reflect life, it must include the shadows.
For a painter to paint, she must not try to control the brush.
She must only hold the brush and choose where to move it.
The brush must flow its own way – the way it is intended in order to creat a beautiful painting.
Otherwise, the painting will be stilted and awkward…
only a poor image of the beauty available.
To reach one’s own potential and live a full life, accept the shadows;
do not strive to control.
Let go…
Then the true beauty of your life will be seen.

~ Linda, October 26, 2013

As I mentioned last week, I spent Thanksgiving week visiting my oldest daughter across the Atlantic. There was a lot that happened that week… A lot of laughing, a lot of heart to heart conversations, learning to trust and love again and what I want to talk about this week…

recognizing the beauty created through the pain in our lives.

One of the things that absolutely amazed me during my visit was my daughter and her husband’s knowledge of the wild birds and plants that we passed on our hikes through the countryside. They would hear a bird’s song and know right away what type of bird they were looking for to match the songs. (Too cool for words!) They would also pick the leaves of a plant and hand it to me to taste and say, “That will taste like a green apple”… or “sweet peas”… and it did! (Wow!)

One day when it was just my daughter and I, she pointed out some lavender growing wild along a brick wall. I love the scent of lavender and have it throughout my house. However, I have never seen it growing in the wild. It is such a lovely plant. I picked a small piece and took a whiff, but couldn’t smell anything.

“I can’t smell it,” I said.

“You have to crush it a little… then you’ll be able to smell it,” she responded.

So I crushed it just a bit between my fingers and took another whiff… It smelled heavenly – such a soft, sweet, calming fragrance. As we kept walking, I started thinking… isn’t that just like life. So many times in order to realize our own true potential, we need to be crushed a little bit. There has to be some struggle along the way or we can never know what we are truly cabable of becoming.

I say this, but in all honesty, I would be perfectly happy to not be crushed… I’m kind of tired of that part. LOL! Learning to be thankful for the struggles in my life and recognizing the growth produced each time, has been a lesson I seem to be destined to learn over and over. But near the end of the week I came to realize that maybe I’m not the only one… maybe this applies to everyone – not just those who are grieving, but everyone.

During one of our heart to heart conversations, I told my daughter how proud I am of the woman she has become. She has such a gentle spirit and yet at the same time, she is so strong. Learning to live abroad – in another culture – and feel comfortable enough to call it “home” takes a lot of strength of character, self-reliance and patience. She blushed and shook her head as she told me how lonely she feels sometimes.

It was like listening to myself… So many of the things she said, I have said or thought a hundred times since Bruce died. It is a feeling where you know you are loved but there is still a feeling of separation from the people you love… an ever-present underlying feeling of facing the world alone. Whether that loneliness is physical or emotional doesn’t matter… Either way it is very real.

That was when it dawned on me just how real the idea of life’s struggles helping us reach our better selves truly is. I wasn’t a bad person before. (I don’t think.) But I know that since Bruce died, I have learned a lot about self-reliance and finding my happiness within myself… not from a store… or a bottle… or another person. I know that God has my back and has provided me with everything I need to get through this grief… and my life. Some days are harder than others and I struggle to remember that, but deep inside… I know it.

The struggles… the shadows of our life are what give us strength of character. It is how we learn to appreciate all the blessings in our life… those that make us smile right away and those that are the result our struggles.

Today has been a hard day… this will be my third Christmas without Bruce by my side. It is a hard reality, and today it is hard to see the blessing in it. But this I know…

I was blessed to share so many Christmases with Bruce and to have those memories. I know I am a better person because of knowing and loving Bruce. When I lost him, there were shadows created in the painting of my life that will always be there. But… those shadows also make the beauty of my life that much more intense…

and for that I can be thankful.

Have you ever grown because of a struggle? A time when you knew you had a choice to move forward or stay where you were? Would you be willing to share your story or thoughts? To do so, go to the comments and leave a note.*

Who knows… your story may the one someone else needs to hear.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love and Grief… Lessons learned at Thanksgiving (part 1)

Thursday was Thanksgiving. Not that I really need to remind you of that… Anyone who has known loss knows that when you are grieving the holidays can be glaring reminders of the fact that your loved on is no longer by your side. In my last blog, I went into that in more detail… This week, however, I want to tell you about another baby step in my journey. Although, maybe it is a lesson for anyone…

I spent the last nine days visiting my oldest daughter in another country across the Atlantic. Four years ago, she married a young, foreigner and moved to his home. Up until now, I had not been to visit. While Bruce and I loved to travel, we didn’t get there that first year. Then when he died, the idea of traveling that far by myself, seemed too daunting. For so long, just living my life felt like such a battle that I just didn’t have it in me to push myself past my own fears and go.

This year, though, I made the decision to go… I’ve reached a point where I don’t want to live my life only halfway. I was still scared to travel that far alone but I was determined… It was time.

The travel was fine… I asked for help all along the way and people were very kind. My daughter met me at the airport with flowers, a sign, champagne and lots of hugs. (I don’t think we let go of each other the whole time I was there.) Then, three of us spent most of our time together exploring the country by train and on foot. I loved it! It was a great way to learn about this country she calls home and to get to know my son-in-law. (I had only met him the day before they were married, and at that time, we were able to only spend a few very busy days together.)

But what was this “lesson” I mentioned? Well, I need to back up and explain.

Before Bruce died, I was a pretty open and trusting person… willing to trust, love and see the best in people. However, when he died, I lost that. I felt so angry and abandoned… trust was not something that came naturally anymore. (I have recognized that and written about it here quite a bit in an attempt to be honest about my experience.)

However, the last few months have brought about huge changes… positive shifts, if you will, in my attitude and outlook on life. My prayers and focus have been for less grief and an open heart.

On my second day there, the three of us went for an all day hike to one of the country’s castles. It was a beautiful walk through some amazing countryside. We laughed when we finally arrived at the castle gates only to discover it was closed. No worries… It was a beautiful day, and we were having so much fun together. In the spirit of the day, we enjoyed a picnic lunch washed down with some spiced mead in the shadow of the castle.

We decided to try a different route home only to find that while it was gorgeous, it was much more muddy than the first path… In fact, there were quite a few flooded spots. This was no problem for my daughter and her husband – they were wearing water-proof hiking boots. I, however, was only wearing high-top tennis shoes… not water-proof.

The first couple of spots were not a big deal. While we are close in size, my daughter willingly gave me a piggy-back ride across and we kept moving forward. Then, we came to a really big spot. She wasn’t sure she could carry me that far so her husband offered.

I know it’s weird and probably makes NO sense, but I started to get anxious. First of all, I’m not real keen on being picked up… It means giving up control and trusting the other person. That was fine when it was my daughter… I trust her. In fact at this point, I came to realize that other than my children, there aren’t many people I would trust enough to carry me at all… (There was that trust issue – the exact thing I have been trying to move past.)

I argued at first that maybe he was not strong enough. Silly, I know, but the idea of trusting this young man I barely knew was freaking me out. However, my daughter had complete confidence in him, and I had to admit he has always shown himself to be kind and gentle. I was almost in tears, but I had few other options.

This was the point where I had to give up control and trust someone else. I had been praying for an open heart, I just hadn’t realized that making that come true meant I would have to be the one to open it… but I did.

I climbed up on his back and held on for dear life. When we got to the other side and he gently set me back on my feet, I finally explained myself to both of them (through my tears). I can’t explain what happened in that moment between the three of us, but it was precious. He became family… not just my daughter’s husband.

And for me…

I know that my heart is a little more open to others now than it was before that day. I know that I can’t always be in control… there are times when other people are placed in my path so that I can learn to let go, stop trying to do it all alone, and trust them.

That is how we all learn to love again… that is how we all grow… that is how we move forward – not as individuals or even separate groups, but as one humanity – connected and bonded in our love and need for each other.

Have you ever experienced one those pivotal moments? A time when you knew you had a choice to move forward or stay where you were? I would love to hear from you… Please feel free to share your thoughts and experiences, too. To do so, go to the comments and leave a note.*

Who knows… your story may the one someone else needs to hear.

NOTE: Due to family time, I have been off schedule for the past two weeks. Thank you for understanding my need to enjoy my precious time with those I love.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love and Grief… Learning to be thankful again

Next week is Thanksgiving… that means being thankful… saying, “Thank you” to God for all he has done for us…

For me, Thanksgiving always meant the beginning of the Christmas season. I always looked forward to watching the parade… my favorite part of the morning. Because we were always cooking, (no matter where we lived or how much trouble it was), Bruce would always move the TV so I could see it and enjoy the parade. As soon as the parade ended, I would (finally) get to play the first Christmas music. It was always the same CD, Peter Paul and Mary’s: A Holiday Celebration… Admittedly, still my favorite. Next came Bruce’s favorite, John Denver and the Muppets: A Christmas Together. After that it was usually time for football, food and family. It was always a wonderful day… one I loved and treasured…

until…

The first year after Bruce passed away, I skipped Thanksgiving. I was still so deep in grief that I couldn’t imagine saying “Thank you” to God. I still felt so abandoned… I was still so very angry. “Thank you” was not anywhere in me… not for this… not for a life without Bruce.

Instead, I spent that first Thanksgiving with my youngest daughter and her boyfriend at Disney. It worked. I was with family (a good thing) but I didn’t have to think about the holiday (mission accomplished).

I didn’t have to think about what it had been and what it would never be again.

Last year I got brave. The feelings of abandonment and anger were gone for the most part. My second daughter convinced me it was time to join the rest of the world and celebrate… and say “Thank you.”

I spent the holiday with her, my grandson and son-in-law. Here is a small part of what I wrote in my journal that day:

Hi Babe! I can’t believe it’s Thanksgiving – my second one without you. This year is hard because I miss you, but I feel welcome and wanted here… I feel loved! I decided to actually celebrate the day this year. We included you in our dinner by bringing in your picture and lighting six candles with the prayer I used each day when you first died.

It ended up being such a good day… tons of food and drink, the parade, playing with Bubba and NAPS! lol!

I came to realize last year that I can celebrate the holidays, but they are different now. So many of the traditions that were important are not as important now, while others are still intact as I share them with my kids and grandson.

But now there is a new tradition at each holiday… remembering Bruce. I mentioned it in the journal entry above and I will include it here. I am not sure where I found it… it is not my idea, but I love it. Perhaps you too are looking for a way to include your loved one this season…

Memorial prayer with 6 candles:

Prayer – We light six candles in honor of you.

(Light candle 1) – This candle represents our grief. The pain of losing you is intense. It is a reminder of the depth of our love for you.

(Light candle 2) – This candle represents our courage – to confront our sorrow, to comfort each other and to change our lives.

(Light candle 3) – This candle is in your memory – the times we laughed, the times we cried, the times we were angry with each other, the silly things we did and the caring and joy you gave us.

(Light candle 4) – This candle is the light of love. Day by day we cherish the special place in our hearts that will always be reserved for you. Thank you for the gift your life brought to each of us.

(Light candle 5) – This candle is the light of hope. It reminds us of love and memories of you that are ours forever.

(Light candle 6) – This candle is the light of eternity – for the day when we will see you again in all God’s glory. We will be together again. We will have healthy, whole bodies and can explore the wonders of heaven together.

May the light of the Lord be our source of hopefulness now and forever. I love you! Amen

This is my way of still including Bruce… my way of making sure he is not forgotten. How do you include your loved ones in your celebrations? I would love to hear from you… Please feel free to share your thoughts and experiences, too. To do so, go to the comments and leave a note.*

Who knows… you may hold the answer for someone else.

NOTE: Due to family time, I will be off schedule this week and next. I posted early this week and will be posting late next week. Thank you for understanding my need to enjoy my precious time with those I love.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love and Grief… Now for the rest of the story

One Day
One day I will see him again.
And he will touch my cheek,
And kiss me,
And I will smile… again.

~ Linda, Sept 10, 2014

Last week I wrote about our upcoming anniversary… Where we had come from, what we had planned and what I anticipated as the upcoming reality. Well, it ended up being such an incredible day… better than I could have ever imagined. So, I thought this week I would share that with you… just as I wrote it in my journal (which I always write as if it is a letter to Bruce).

First I should probably explain that I don’t just believe, I know that there is still a connection between Bruce and I. (And those I am closest to and love get to hear those stories quite a bit.) This is one of those stories…

Nov 14

Hi Babe,
Oh my gosh, I miss you today! It was such a good week, especially Monday! Our anniversary was beautiful! I worked from home and started early (4:30 am) since I wasn’t sure how I would be emotionally as the day progressed. It was supposed to rain in the afternoon so I decided to go to the beach at sunrise to spend some time with you.

When I got to the station where we scattered your ashes, the tide was high; the surf was rough and while the sky was lit up, the sun hadn’t risen quite yet. I was the only one there… it was perfect.

I changed my mind about bringing you a beer and decided instead to bring you some of the Jamaican rum I got this summer. It just felt right since that was supposed to have been our trip. I started off pouring you only 1/2 a shot. (I was really hesitant to pour very much of this rum into the ocean. After all, I can’t get it here and who knows when I’ll go back there.) Then I laughed because I could almost hear you say, “Really? That’s all? What kind of tribute is that?”

Shoot! Touche! You win! I think we were both laughing as I filled the shot and poured it into the next wave that came up and covered my feet. Then, I poured my own shot and lifted it in a toast to us… to our connection that even death cannot stop.

After that I took your card and three roses and placed them in the sand below the high tide mark. I managed to get a picture before a wave came and took the card. (I did not see the card again.) However, it took a few more waves for the roses to go… at least two of them. One rose kept washing back up to my feet. I’d throw it back into the water and back it would come (right to my feet). The others were long gone, but that one kept coming back.

“Babe,” I said, “Stop! These are for you.” The next time I threw it, it didn’t come back. I smiled with satisfaction and sat down to watch the sun rise.

About that same time, a man came down the boardwalk and seeing me to the left, he followed “appropriate beach etiquette” (lol!) and went to the right. Within a minute or two, though, he was walking back toward me… carrying “the rose.”

As I stood to greet him he said, “I know this sounds weird, and I’m really out here to fish, I promise. But this rose just washed up at my feet, and I had this overwhelming urge to bring it to you. Now that I’m here, it looks like you need it.” Then he paused as I started to laugh and cry at the same time. “Was that okay?” he asked.

“Yes,” I said as I took the rose back and explained why I was there. I went on to explain that I had thrown that rose back several times.

“I think your husband must want you to have this one,” he said as he gave me a hug and walked back to his spot. At that point I looked out at the water to thank you, Babe, and there – not 3 feet from the shore (in the gully) – was a 4 – 5 foot shark. (We always called Bruce, My Michigan Shark, after the shark in Finding Nemo and because it was the “on-set” nickname of the shark in Jaws.)

I smiled all day because of that… thank you, Babe!

For dinner I went to our place in Cocoa and the waiter remembered me. He greeted me as soon as I walked in. “I saw ‘Anniversary dinner for one’ in the Reservation book,” he said, “and I was hoping it was you. We will make this a special night… I promise.” And, of course, they did… even down to a complimentary glass of champagne.

It was not what we planned all those years ago, Babe, but I felt happy… and loved… Thank you!

I shared this story with you knowing that there will be different reactions… and probably plenty of skeptics. That’s okay. My purpose is to write about my experience, so I will tell you what my Daddy told me when I related the beach story to my parents…

“Only you can interpret that story for yourself, Tiger.” (Yep – That’s what my Daddy has always called me.) “Don’t let anyone tell you what it is or isn’t. Keep the joy you felt and hold onto that.”

And that is precisely what I plan to do.

Website Note: Due to family time, I will be slightly off schedule for the next couple of weeks. I will post early next week and late the following week. Thank you for understanding my need to enjoy my precious time with those I love.

Have you ever had one of those moments when you connected with your loved one? I would love to hear from you… Please feel free to share your experiences, too. To do so, go to the comments and leave a note.*

Who knows… your story may be the one that changes everything for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love and Grief… Halloween…

For most of my life (until Bruce died), Christmas was always my favorite holiday. However, the season always started way before December… For me, Halloween has always marked the beginning of a season filled with several holidays, big events and continual fun and excitement with Christmas being the climax. To this day, I am so very thankful for the last holiday season Bruce and I shared.

This weekend was Halloween… As I mentioned a couple of weeks ago, it is the start of what has been an emotional roller coaster since Bruce passed. But this year as I prepare for the holiday, I find I can look back and find things that make me smile….

I remember in Michigan, there were no Trick or Treaters. We lived in a second floor condo which required a code to enter the building. There were no children in the building except my (then) teenage daughter and no way for anyone to enter.

When we moved to another state, we lived in an apartment for the first year and with the exception of my grandson and a group of teenagers (who knocked on our door at 10 PM) no one came. Then, we moved to the house where I am now.

I knew there were a lot of children in the neighborhood, so I bought three huge bags of candy and tried to prep Bruce for what was probably coming. All he heard was “candy.” As soon as he realized it was hidden in the house somewhere, it was “game on”… He went hunting, and found it in the third place he looked. (He laughed as he told me that the fact that I am so short narrowed the hiding places down by more than half. Then, he just had to think of where there might be enough space for three huge bags.) Needless to say, by Halloween, I had to replace one of those bags.

That Halloween, he grouched every time the doorbell rang. I laughed and fussed at him for being a crabby, old man. The next year – our last Halloween – was so different, though. He was so excited. He LOVED answering the door and talking to all the kids (even the teenagers). He even jumped out and tried to scare a few. It was such a fun night.

Now looking back, I don’t know if he was just trying to enjoy Halloween or if he knew something was wrong and wanted to leave me with some fun memories. Either way – all I know is it was a such a wonderful night!

The first year without Bruce was a change… a huge change. Actually, it was a challenge that I wasn’t expecting. After all, Halloween is a kid’s holiday. It really isn’t about adults, and in all honestly, we had only had one really fun Halloween together.

But even that first year, according to my journal I recognized that this would be the start of a rough few months…

(Written the morning of 10/31/2013)

“The first of the holidays – this one always feels like the “kick-off” for the holiday season. I don’t really feel like celebrating but I did buy candy.

People don’t get it… they can’t. They can’t because they haven’t been here yet. I feel like everyone has this expectation that I should be a ‘good little widow’ and just be okay… whatever that is! Guess what… I’m not! I’m not okay! My brain doesn’t analyze or function the same way anymore. I don’t feel like “me” anymore.

The weird part is yesterday was actually okay. It was the first day this week I didn’t cry all day. Then I wake up this morning and I just feel pissed. I don’t think this will be a good day… not really looking forward to it – don’t really feel like festivities or anything like it.”

(Written the night of 10/31/2013)

“Halloween without you, Babe! Too hard!! I miss you!! I keep thinking about you answering the door last year and all the fun. This year is hard, though. I am listening to Jimmy Buffet and wishing you were here… Six kids so far and I am crying. Maybe I should just turn out the light and call it a night.
So sad… just so very sad…

What is – is… nothing I do will ever change it. I feel like I shouldn’t be here but I am… maybe one day I will understand why I am still here.

Just so you know, Babe… I went to the neighbor’s for chili and wine earlier tonight. They are so sweet and kind to me. I am blessed to have them here. In case you’re wondering, they are taking good care of me, Babe.”

And now this year…

This year I spent Halloween with my grandson, one of my daughters and my son-in-law.

(Written on Sunday 11/1/2015)

“Hi Babe… This weekend was really good for me. I couldn’t be with you but I was with people I love. I’m sure you would guess that we stayed very busy. Trick or Treating was pushed forward a day early since it was supposed to rain on Saturday. You would have loved watching our grandson… he was more excited about his costume and handing out the candy than actually going door to door to get any (which just cracks me up.) Afterward, there was an impromptu party back at D’s house. It sounds crazy but it was wonderful chaos – the house was filled with very tired but laughing adults and kids too excited to settle down.

Saturday included an Octoberfest at their school/church. You would have loved it – German food and beer. Their German potato salad was good (but not as good as yours!) You would be proud… I only teared up once… when the kids performed their Fall music program. I know you were there… I know you were watching… but I still wish I could have held your hand and seen your face. You and your “Boudreaux” had such a close connection, I know you would have been beaming with pride.

The night ended with a dinner party at a friend’s house. It was fun, and they made me feel so welcome. Usually I feel like a fifth wheel at those things, but I didn’t this time. I can’t say I like it but I am getting (more) used to going to parties without you by my side…

It wasn’t until the wee, dark hours of the night when I was actually alone with my thoughts that the tears fell. My emotions were a mix of melancholy, sadness, loneliness and (believe it or not)… guilt. I miss you so much, Babe, and the idea that I still managed to have fun, leaves me feeling guilty. Crazy, I know but that is what I felt. I wonder if that is normal? I wonder if that will be the emotion I struggle with this year?”

I don’t know the answer to that question, although I would guess it is normal. If there is anyone out there who knows or has been there, I would love to hear from you… I’m sure there are a lot of us that would to hear from you.

In the meantime, I need to breathe… I have 8 days to get myself emotionally prepared for the next big day.

How do YOU manage your big days? I would love to hear from you… Please feel free to share your thoughts and experiences, too. To do so, go to the comments and leave a note.*

Who knows… you may hold the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love and Grief… Missing: Human Touch

Are you there?

Are you there?
Are you listening? Did you see me cry?
Have you felt my tears? My pain?

Are you there?
Are you holding me when I cry? When I am scared?
When I don’t want to take the next step?

Are you there?
Are you beside me as I lay sleeping? As I walk on the beach?
When I call your name in the dark?
You said you’d never leave me… So,
Are you there?

~ Linda, October 7, 2013

Perhaps you have heard of Gary Chapman’s book, The Five Love Languages. It’s an interesting look at relationships. According to Mr. Chapman, there are five basic ways that we can feel loved. He calls these “love languages”, and they are time, touch, words of affirmation, gifts and acts of service.

The basic idea is that, as individuals, we feel loved when our significant other uses our “love language.” In turn, we naturally tend to show love in our own “love language.” Sometimes couples will share the same love language. However, if you and your mate do not share the same love language, then you will both need to adjust how you show love in order to meet each person’s emotional needs within the relationship. (Keep in mind, this comes from a book. Obviously there is a lot more to it, but that is the basic idea.)

Bruce and I were blessed. We shared the same primary love language – touch.
We could sit for hours just holding hands or snuggling. We didn’t need to talk or even have the TV on… We were just content to be together. In the car, he always had one hand on the steering wheel and the other either holding mine or resting on my thigh. Even after 8 years, we would fall asleep in other’s arms and somehow end up back there again in the morning. We never walked by each other without reaching out and touching as we passed. Even if he was reclining in his chair, he would chuckle whenever I reached out and touched his toes while passing by.

If we were angry or upset with each other, it didn’t matter – the touching never stopped… because the love didn’t stop. It was just a natural extension of who we were as a couple – no matter the emotional current of the moment.

At the time, it seemed like such a small thing – touch. It didn’t cost anything. It wasn’t hard to do… It didn’t seem like anything huge or extraordinary. It was a small gesture that was as natural to both of us as breathing…

But now it is gone.

It may sound odd, but it is one of the things I miss most… probably because it was what made me feel loved and whole. But since Bruce has been gone, life is very different… Human touch has become a rare commodity in my world.

I try to get my “fixes” when I can. For example, when I am with my kids or family, I hang on… hugging, snuggling and holding hands… and (luckily) they don’t seem to mind. The problem? Like most of today’s society, we don’t live anywhere near each other, so our visits are spread out.

I, also, have wonderful friends who are willing to give this girl a hug whenever I ask for one. In the beginning, I asked a lot… I didn’t hesitate. I would ask several times a day, in fact. As a new widow, it seemed “normal” enough. I don’t think anyone thought too much about it. But as time has passed, I have learned to tone it down. After all, it’s a little strange for a grown, adult woman to walk around gathering hugs like a squirrel gathers acorns.

In the past, I always either lived near family or had children at home. Now, however, I live alone in a city without any family nearby. Now, I may go days or even weeks without any human touch. This is a weird experience for me… There has been so much adjustment and change since Bruce died, but this one seems to be the hardest… This one seems to have the greatest affect on my life. It just seems to trickle into every corner of my world… Probably because it is my love language.

Other than asking for hugs when I need them, I don’t know that there is a real “fix” for this one… just a major adjustment in my thought processes. But for those who still have their loved ones by their side, there is something I want to share…

The night Bruce died was like any other… neither of us knew what lay ahead in the next few hours. We went to bed laughing and held each other as we slept. A few, short hours later, I held him in my arms as he drew his last breath… even then, we were still touching…

So, don’t waste one precious moment… use every opportunity to fill each other up with love now (whatever the language)… both of you will not be here forever. You never know which moment will be the last spent together.

What about you? What is your love language that was lost when your loved one died? How have you filled that gap? Because this is our community, please feel free to share your thoughts and experiences, too. To do so, go to the comments and leave a note.*

Who knows… you may hold the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love and Grief… Don’t look too far down the road

Alone
Alone… Is this a test?
I think I am failing.
I want to move past the sadness.
I want to find the blessings.
But every time I come back to
Being alone…
~ Linda, October 1, 2013

I have put off writing this week until the last minute (or what feels like the last minute). It’s not that I don’t know what to say… It’s that I have so much to say and I’m not sure how to say it in a way that makes sense.

This month starts a series of major days and holidays… all in a row – one on top of the next. It starts with Halloween, then moves to our anniversary, Thanksgiving, my birthday, Christmas, New Years and the anniversary of Bruce’s death.

Anyone who has grieved deeply knows how hard the holidays and big events can be when you find yourself alone… no longer able to share those days with the person you have shared your life with for so long. The next few months will be an emotional roller coaster as I go from one event to the next… all without Bruce… for the third time. (Yes, I am still counting.)

The first year I ignored as many of these as possible. It hurt too much to imagine celebrating anything without Bruce. So, I hid and let the world do its thing while I pretended not to notice. You might be surprised but it was actually pretty easy to do. The world starts getting very busy this time of year… Most people don’t really notice when you choose to disappear from the craziness. I’m not sure if that is a good or a bad thing, but it sure helped that first year.

Last year, (my second year alone) I wanted to try to join the world… at least with my kids and my grandson. So, I joined them for as many of these days as possible and spent the rest with friends. The problem for me was the timing of everything… As soon as I got past one event, I had to mentally prepare for the next… There wasn’t a chance to heal or even breathe in between.

It was a relief to be a part of everything and not be alone. However, when it was all done, I was emotionally drained. I later listened to a recording taken at the end of that time period, and I didn’t even sound coherent. I was a mess, but I had done it! I had survived!

Thankfully, time is a kind friend, and this year has brought more healing and a stronger me. At least I thought I was stronger… until this week…
This year as Halloween approaches and the holiday commercials start to air on TV, I am faced once again with an overwhelming relay of events. All week I have had that inner dialogue going… I’m sure you know what I mean…

In my self-development seminars or when coaching individuals, I discuss that inner dialogue… That angel and devil thing we laugh at in cartoons. Why do we laugh? Because we have all experienced it at one time or another. For most of us, though, it isn’t necessarily a temptation thing – a good or evil thing.

Usually it presents itself as one “voice” that sounds more like, “Why bother?” “What’s the point?” “You’ll never be able to do that.” In other words, it is self-defeating. It is based on our fears, negative emotions, and low energy. It is not based in reality. It does not build resilience nor does it move us forward. In fact, it is happiest if we stay where we are or even take a few steps back.

Then, there is the other, kinder “voice.” It is encouraging. It is not based on our fears but on our passions, goals and facts. It is healthy and nurturing. Its purpose is to build resilience and help us move forward… To encourage us to live life – even if it is just one small step at a time.

This week the dialogue battling within me has been one of dreading the upcoming months, while realizing that all I really need to do is take life one day at a time – no more. It is when I try looking too far down the road that I become intimidated and question my ability to make it through.

I remember right after Bruce died… The idea of spending the rest of my life without him – alone – seemed very intimidating. Most days I didn’t even want to try… that road ahead looked never ending. It took me a while to tune out that self-defeating voice and start listening to that kinder, gentler voice that encouraged me to take one small step and then another.

In my family, the women seem live quite a long time so I figure I have another 50+/- years to go… without him. That is a long time. It can be quite daunting when I dwell on it too long. I am learning not to look that far down the road. I am learning to just breathe and take it one day at a time.

I am learning…

That is what I have been telling myself this week. I am still learning. It’s okay if I have a hard day or stumble a little. But I can’t let myself dwell on the upcoming months and everything they entail… That will be too much. It will overwhelm me. It will feel too hard, and I will spiral down.

Other than only taking one small step at a time, I’m not sure yet how I am going to do it. However, I do know, for me, that will be the only way to do this.

Walk through your fears..
~ Linda, October 15, 2013

Because this is our community, please feel free to share your thoughts and experiences, too. To do so, go to the comments and leave a note.*

Who knows… you may hold the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love and Grief… A week of loss for all of us

“Suffering breaks our world like a tree struck by lightening – splintered, shaken, denuded – our world is broken by suffering, and we will never be the same again.”
~ Nathan Kollar

This week has actually been a good week for me personally. However, because it is life, there have been challenges. As I have watched the devastation in SC this week, (the place I call home), my heart has been broken. Years ago I lost everything material that I “owned.” However, my losses were due to my own choices in life… Choices of who to trust and/or who to allow control in my life. I had to take responsibility for those losses and learn from them.

My loss is completely different from what is happening in SC. These people are losing everything they own due to a natural disaster. The people of SC, including my family and friends, had no say in the matter. Their choices and goals quickly became all about survival… all about each other. Despite their personal losses, we have watched the people of SC reach out to each other unconditionally. Witnessing their resilience in the aftermath of such devastation has been amazing!

But that wasn’t all that was lost this week…

There have been 3 school shootings this week alone… Oregon, Arizona and Texas. Who can say why this has happened now and to these particular people? There are opinions, but no one really has an answer. The rest of us can only watch and wonder what is happening. I can’t help but cry as each time I see what we keep doing to each other.

Yes, I did mean to say “we keep doing to each other.” We are all connected to each other – like branches on a tree… that is why we all feel some sense of loss, as well. We all know, it could just as easily be any one of us. Someone we know or love could be the aggressor or the victim… We just don’t know.

According to the dictionary, sympathy means “I am able to feel sorry for you.” However, empathy means “I have been there – I understand.” Maybe I am wrong, but I can’t help but feel that those who have known loss before probably feel these events quite intensely, as well. The reaction is one of empathy… one of knowing due to experience. Maybe that is why I have cried… maybe that is why I have struggled this week even though it had nothing to do with my own loss… I still feel connected to these events.

I am sure that anyone old enough to understand the events of this week has also experienced loss of some kind. Maybe that is why we are all so stunned. It has been through our own experiences of love, happiness, loss and struggle that we learn.

And isn’t that what life is about… learning? It can simply be learning a better way to do things or learning how to be resilient. Then taking those lessons and using the best within us to reach out and help those around us. In other words, it is through these ups and downs that we are able, in times such as these to come together, reach outside our comfort zones and help someone else.

Today’s blog is not a political or religious message. It is a message about humanity. It is the reality that we are all connected to each other. If we choose to isolate ourselves or exclude others, then we cannot be our best… our strongest. We need to recognize that we are in this together.

We can argue the causes for the tragedies this week until the end of time. However, until we understand that all things and people are divinely created and the “connected-ness” of all creation to each other… Until we learn to live and treat each other with love and acceptance, we will continue to miss the point.

What is the point?

Our actions (whatever they are) are an open expression of our hearts. When that expression is love for each other, it becomes a completion of ourselves through honoring, nurturing, giving and sharing…

“Fill me with wonder and joy again, Father. Open my eyes to see your world as you want me to. Help me not to miss your fingerprints all over it.”
~ Virelle Kidder, Meet Me at the Well

Because this is OUR community, please feel free to share your thoughts and experiences, too. To do so, go to the comments and leave a note.*

Who knows… you may hold the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief