There are so many things I remember about Bruce that make me smile… So many gestures that I still miss. In fact, each time I think about them, they still warm my heart. This week there has been one particular gesture – one thing he always did – that I have missed like crazy…
Let me start by saying we had a great marriage. I was a second marriage for both of us. (Bruce always laughed and said that the first time was just practice. LOL!) I like to believe that because we were older when we married, we were a little more laid back… more patient… less inclined to argue about things that just didn’t really matter in the grand scheme of things. Neither of us expected the other to change or be a certain way… We just loved and accepted each other “as is.” Now, that doesn’t mean, we never argued or disagreed. Of course, we did! That’s normal when you live someone… As they say, if you both agree ALL the time, there is no need for one of you.
This was a concept that I struggled with in the beginning, though…
My first marriage had been such a dysfunctional mess, and that was all I knew. In that first marriage, when we argued, it was likely to either end in an explosive, physical display of my ex-husband’s temper or he would completely shun me for weeks and sometimes months. (The worst part being his expectation that the children do the same when he was around or risk being on the receiving end of that same temper.)
So… When Bruce and I had our first few disagreements, I didn’t know how to respond. I knew he was a completely different man, but I still automatically panicked – worried that things might be the same with Bruce. It was a mindset that had formed over 20+ years, and it was hard to change. I can’t tell you what those early disagreements were about, because I really don’t remember. We were two people learning to live together, and there were bound to be a few bumps in that road.
Of our first disagreement, all I can remember is me sitting down on his recliner and crying – unsure how or if I should express my thoughts to him. The next thing I knew, Bruce was kneeling on the floor in front of me. He took my hands in his and leaned forward until his forehead touched mine. Then, we sat like that for quite a while until I could manage to stop crying. Then, in his ever-gentle voice, Bruce said, “We are going to disagree sometimes, and it’s okay… It doesn’t change our love for each other. It’s just a sign that we need to talk about something and figure out how we got here.”
The second time it happened, I still wasn’t secure enough to express myself. Instead, I went to our room to cry. After a few moments, Bruce followed me in. Once again, he took my hands in his and leaned his forehead to mine. As we stood there, forehead to forehead, I finally managed the courage to say, “This is hard… I didn’t know it would be this hard.” He didn’t move, but I could feel him smile… another gesture that reassured me that it was okay to say what I thought.
Through the years, we had our disagreements, and every time the conversation afterward always started with Bruce taking my hands and leaning in until we were forehead to forehead… a gesture that almost instantly calmed my heart. In fact, over time, he used that same gesture whenever I was upset or anxious about anything (not just when I was upset about us). It was like magic… It was as if by touching me in that way, all the calm reassurance in heart and mind was transferred to me…
And, I miss that…
These last few weeks, with everything happening around us in this crazy world, I have felt so anxious. Between political issues (that desperately need to be addressed) to other issues being made into political issues (which are in no way political at all), I have felt quite overwhelmed at times. There are days when I read the headlines and can’t believe we are where we are. Then, there are other days when I am too anxious to even look at the headlines…
What I wouldn’t give to have on of those moments again… For Bruce to take my hands in his and lean in until we are forehead to forehead… So many times, these past few weeks, to get through a “moment,” I have just closed my eyes and remembered… It is almost as if I can feel him take my hands… I can feel him touch his forehead to mine. Then, I stay completely still… taking in the moment… reliving the memories of those gestures… Until once again, my heart is calm. Then, I can open my eyes, take stock of my reality, and move forward…
And in my heart, I whisper, “Thank you, Babe! Thank you for teaching me that there is magic and power that comes from a loving touch in a still, quiet moment.”
This grief journey can be a hard one, and it is different for everyone… The many ways we experience it are as diverse as we are. We all move through it at our own pace and in our own way… We are all different, and just doing the best we can in a world that can feel overwhelming at times. What about you? Are there memories that help you get through the tough days? Would you like to share your story or ask a question? Do you need a helping hand or even a virtual hug? Let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. *
This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief
* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.