I wake up, and I reach for you,
But you aren’t there.
I long to feel your warm body next to mine.
In my sleep, I try to snuggle closer,
But there is only empty space.
Each time, I am pulled out of my dreams.
Then, I am awake with nothing but the realization that you are gone.
How long will this go on?
Will my subconscious mind ever be content to sleep alone?
Will my heart always reach for you in the dark?
… Probably.
~ Linda, July 2018
Days are hard. That’s probably why most of my writings are about my daytime thoughts and experiences. For the first few years after Bruce died, my days were filled with tears. There were constant reminders that he was gone. There were constant struggles with the loneliness and feelings of abandonment. But the nights… (sigh)… I must say, the nights have always been the hardest… even now.
Since Bruce passed away, sleep is something I struggle with night after night. I stay tired all the time, yet insomnia has found a home in my bed, and I am at a loss. For the first few years, I woke up every night at the exact same time he died… 1:15 am. It seemed to be the “magic hour” to relive those horrific memories. Night after night, I would lay in the dark and cry… for hours.
Over time, I have stopped waking at that exact time. In fact, in the last year or so, I have even managed to sleep all the way through some nights. But most nights, I still find myself reaching out for him in the dark… And when he isn’t there, I am awake… again.
It’s funny what our minds will do… or won’t do… or maybe can’t do… I’m not sure which it is.
During the day, when my mind starts to dwell too long on Bruce’s death and my current situation, I can force myself to think of other things. I can recall quotes and verses to give me strength through the hardest moments. As long as I am aware and catch my thought process soon enough, I know I can turn it around before I spiral down too far. It has taken years to learn how to do this, but I have gotten better and better at this as time passes.
But night times… that is a very different story. Sleep is supposed to be the time to let go of your thoughts and rest. If I were to try to remain in control of my thoughts, then I would be awake. So, this is a battle I have not yet won. I have tried so many things to help me sleep – teas, over the counter meds, oils, night time yoga, meditation, relaxation mind exercises, lavender everything… You name it, I’ve tried it.
But the truth is this… My heart is still connected to his… And when my mind is left to its own devices, it will always reach out for him…
And, honestly, I don’t see a time where that will ever change.
Everyone deals with loss, grief and life in their own way. We all find answers and comfort in various sources… That is what makes us all unique and different. For me, nights continue to be a time of struggle and longing. I cannot begin to explain the way my heart breaks each time I reach for Bruce in the dark and come up empty. It is like trying to control something that cannot be controlled… Instead, all I can do is pray for peace and the strength to make it through another night… alone.
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