loss – Page 32 – Peace, Love & Grief

Peace, Love and Grief… What to Focus On

Do you ever have one of those weeks where everything seems to go wrong? Well, for me, this was one of those weeks. The whole week has felt like an uphill battle…

It started on Monday with a dentist appointment that seemed destined not to happen. It has been rescheduled multiple times (by them, not me). The Thursday prior, they had called to remind me. (Thank goodness!) During that conversation, I thanked her because I had mixed up the dates in my head due to all the reschedules. However, my calendar confirmed she was right, and all was well. Therefore, you can imagine my shock when I walked in for my noon appointment, and the receptionist said, “You don’t have an appointment today.”

There was a part of me that almost believed her. Instead, I reminded her that she had called me to remind me. “Are you sure,” she asked. “I don’t think you are one of our patients. Maybe you’re supposed to be at our other office.”

“I am one of your patients,” I responded. “You cleaned my teeth in July, inspected a crown in December and have rescheduled this appointment several times over the last few months.”

“I don’t think so,” she replied. At this point, even I was beginning to doubt myself. So, I pulled out the card they gave me along with my phone and read out the number that had called me on Thursday. “Oh, that’s us,” was all she said.

At this point, the office manager got involved. There was some more “you-must-be-mistaken” conversation, before she finally shrugged and said, “Just reschedule her again.”

To say I was frustrated at both the situation and their lack of customer service would be an understatement! But the appointment was rescheduled for Wednesday, only two days away… And what a disaster that turned out to be.

In the middle of the cleaning, the hygienist left to take a call. As I lay there waiting for over 20 minutes, I was worried on her behalf for whatever emergency would pull her away. However, when she returned, I learned it was not an emergency… Just bad service. Then to top it all off, when the dentist came in, he was so enamored with himself, I couldn’t get a word in edgewise to discuss my concerns about my teeth. The whole appointment was a train wreck!

And that was just the beginning of the week… There were frustrations at work – nothing big really… Just one thing behind the next and no time to catch my breath. I began to feel like Charlie Brown when Lucy convinces him to kick the football while she pulls it away… over and over and over. Do you know what I mean?

Then there was yesterday… I went to have my taxes done. First, my taxes are simply. I don’t need to itemize, and they always use the short form. Even with all the medical expenses this past year, there was still no need to itemize.

However, the woman doing my taxes messed them up repeatedly. First, I owed over $2000. Then I was getting back $115. Then I owed $285. It was crazy! She kept asking the other representative for help, sending me home, calling me to come back, and sending me home again. The craziest part – as I write this my taxes still aren’t done, and the lack of competence and professionalism has left me dumbfounded!

After all the negativity and craziness this week, I decided I needed some time at the beach… Some “me time” in the place where Bruce and I spent so much time. For years, the beach has been that place for me. It is the place I seek out when the world becomes more than I can handle. It is the place where I can relax… and breathe… and let the beach and tides work their magic…

I sat there watching the rhythm of the waves as the tide worked its way out, and the magic started… I began to realize I can focus on all the crap that has happened this week, (and there was certainly a lot of that), or I can find those moments where someone or something made me smile…

For example, on the way to the beach I stopped to get a sandwich to take to the beach. I almost didn’t stop because the manager is usually a grump, and I didn’t need more of that. But today, he was all smiles – laughing and joking with me the whole time. Before I left, I thanked him for making me smile. However, I don’t think he realized what a huge difference it made for me – Just a smile… Just a kind word… But it really turned my heart around.

And at work… My boss was more than understanding about the multiple dental appointments and allowed me to work from home in order to make it all work. I also received a gift from a coworker. I always use the quote “Not my circus, not my monkeys” as a reminder to stay out of stuff that isn’t our business. Well, my coworker made me a cup with my name on one side and a twist to the quote on the other, “Looks like that is my circus and these are my monkeys after all.” It makes me laugh every time I use it!

Then, there are the many hugs and kind words from my grandson, my daughter, and my son this week. I even managed some great phone conversations with my other two daughters and my sister – all wonderful, fabulous additions to my week!

But one of the best things that happened this week only happens once or twice a year. Sometimes it is a dream about Bruce, sometimes it is subtle symbols, and other times it happens like this… I was home alone and just waking up from a nap. As I lay there with my eyes still closed, I felt something touch my hand. Then, there was a warmth that spread, and it felt like something was holding my hand. I wasn’t scared, but I didn’t dare move… I didn’t want the moment to end, because I knew… Every now and then I am blessed… I knew it was Bruce… And I would swear I could feel him hug me close. It didn’t last long – probably less than a minute or two, but I relished every moment.

I know most people will think I am nuts and not believe a bit of this… And there are those who will feel compassionate and swear it must have been a dream… And there will be a (very) few who will believe me. Honestly, it doesn’t matter… Whatever it was, it was beautiful! And in those moments, all the love and honesty and friendship we shared came flooding back… And I smiled because we loved each other once… and that hasn’t changed.

As I remembered that moment, I realized that this week I could focus on all the negative. However, I believe I was blessed with a lot of positives too, especially this one… and that is what I will choose to focus on as this week comes to a close.

What about you? Do you ever struggle with focusing on the positive? Do you have a place where you can go to find your center and remember all the blessings in your life? This journey is hard, but it is even harder to bear alone. I believe we are in this together. We are not alone. Please feel free to reach out and share your story or thoughts. To do so, go to the comments and leave a note. * Who knows? Your story may the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Stop! Just Stop…

Most mornings, once I get to work, I enjoy a nice, steamy cup of herbal tea. I get there before most people, so it is a quiet, peaceful way to start the workday. On the particular brand I drink, there are short quotes printed on the paper tabs. This week, one of those tabs read, “Love is an experience of infinity.” So much truth in such a simple statement, and it really hit home with me.

I think it is what I have hoped to help people understand with my writing… Love is not a switch to be turned on and off – It just is… It goes on and on no matter how much time passes…

When Bruce first died, my whole world stopped…

It was like we were cruising down the highway one moment, and suddenly stopped the next. We didn’t even get a chance to put on the brakes to slow down. It was more like hitting a brick wall – head on and at full speed… We went from 70 mph to 0 in an instant. If you can imagine the devastation that would result from such a crash, then maybe you can understand the grief that followed it.

When my world stopped, it took a few days to realize that the world outside had continued on as if nothing had happened… The birds sang. The ocean tides came and went. The sun rose and set. People went to work. People went jogging outside the window. They were laughing and playing and arguing… and living.

I struggled… How could they just keep on going as if nothing had happened? I wanted the world to stop… Just stop… Just for one minute! Just for a moment… Just honor and remember this man who had meant so much to me… This man whom I loved… This man who made up my world… I wanted to shout it out loud. I wanted to yell it from the mountain tops, “Stop! Please, just stop! Just give me a moment… Give him a moment… Just remember… Just for a moment.”

But I didn’t shout, and the world didn’t stop.

I tried to explain how I felt, and the people who cared listened… but they didn’t really get it. They tried… And they said all the “right things” which were supposed to help. I was told, “It will get better,” “Time will heal,” “You will move on in time,” and on and on the sayings went.

But those are just sayings… As time has passed, I must say that it really hasn’t gotten better; time has not healed anything… Not really… and move on from what? From loving him? From missing him? What is that even supposed to mean?

I didn’t and still don’t understand that thought process… Instead, I learned to take my grief to quiet place deep inside. I share it here with you, but that is about it… I don’t really talk about it very often and when I do, it is with a very select group of people.

The truth is my healing has been slow and not what I thought it would be… There is a part of me that will always be frozen in time… Observing life around me and deciding which parts I want to participate in and which I do not. I know how precious and fragile life is and how important it is not to waste a moment of it. This journey has left me feeling more courageous in my choices… And with a deep gratitude for each moment I get to spend with those I love.

The world will never stop for those we love… And we can never stop loving them… And each day the journey continues, and life becomes a little more real.

How do I live without your love?
One breath at a time…
~ Linda, December 2013

What about you? Did you experience that feeling of needing the world to stop? Do you ever feel like you are on the outside looking in? This journey is hard, but it is even harder to bear alone. I believe we are in this together. We are not alone. Please feel free to reach out and share your story or thoughts. To do so, go to the comments and leave a note. * Who knows? Your story may the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love and Grief… Not Just Another Day

I really miss him this week…

It’s weird… Some weeks are just harder than others… Like this week. There’s no reason, really. I can’t even blame it on Valentine’s Day. To be honest, I totally forgot about Valentine’s Day until about 4:30 pm on the 13th. Which resulted in my grandson and I (and all the other last-minute people) hunting for just the right cards and candy from what was left on the shelf. (Which was just another ridiculously funny story in itself.) It was all fine though… We both seemed to find exactly what we wanted quite quickly and the evening continued.

This is where it gets strange (at least, for me). In the past, I would spend the days before every holiday dreading it… Not just dreading the pain I knew I would feel, but also wishing the day would pass by quickly, or even better, just go away.

Even last year, I spent several days leading up to any holiday anxious and grieving and absolutely dreading what I “knew” was coming. But then the day would come (and go), and it was never as bad as I thought it was going to be. The energy wasted would leave me emotionally drained for days… and for WHAT??

Without fail, someone always remembers me and makes me feel special.

Then there is this year… As I have written over the last few weeks, I have been learning to do the whole “let it go and be at peace” thing. So, this holiday was my first inclination that it is working and just how different my life has become. I have been learning to live each moment as they come – not being anxious about something ten steps ahead that I can’t avoid anyway.

So, when I finally did remember about Valentine’s Day, my thoughts went to helping my grandson celebrate the day and send love to the special people in his life… And by doing so, I got caught up in the thrill of doing the same.

When I woke up on Valentine’s Day, it was fine… I was fine… I knew I was okay. Sure, there were a few tears… Not because I was worried about being forgotten… It was simply a matter of missing him. (And those are tears I have learned to control.) So, I let myself cry in the shower just a little bit before I moved on with my day.

I get to work fairly early. Yet when I walked in, the office was already filled with balloons and flowers waiting on the desks of most of my co-workers… It made me smile… Knowing what it feels like to love and be loved, I can’t help myself when I see those same feelings being expressed by others.

But the biggest surprise was on my own desk… an “I love you” balloon and a beautiful bouquet of flowers… And the tears came… I hadn’t even realized they were waiting, but I guess they were. To be remembered… To be reminded you are loved (even when you already know it in your heart) is a precious thing!

It is something Bruce did a lot! And I don’t believe I ever took it for granted. I had spent too many years in a marriage where love didn’t exist. So, when I met Bruce… And when we fell in love, it was incredibly precious to me… And still is. I think that is why, six plus years later, he is still on my mind and in my heart… especially this week.

My heart is still his… Happy Valentine’s Day, Babe! I love you… always and forever!

I felt you today.
I felt the warmth of your smile,
And it made me laugh…
Thank you!
~ Linda, January 2018

What about you? We all know the holidays can magnify our grief and our loss is front and center again in our lives. How do you handle that? Do you struggle to keep peace in your heart? Do you accept it and just let the tears fall? This journey is hard, but it is even harder to bear alone. I believe we are in this together. We are not alone. Please feel free to reach out and share your story or thoughts. To do so, go to the comments and leave a note. *

Who knows? Your story may the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love and Grief… Life Doesn’t End Here

“Life doesn’t end here”… It took me years to see this as a promise…

When Bruce died, a huge part of me died with him. In fact, it felt like most of me died that night right there beside him… And there was an even bigger part of me that wished I had. I didn’t think I could go on without him… And I didn’t want to. Everything felt black… I was lost… I can remember just sitting in the middle of the floor in our home and sobbing. That space felt so huge and empty without him.

Like a child wandering in a dark house… lost.
I go from room to room
Searching for you.
You are not here.
I am alone.
I sit in the corner –
Lost… afraid… crying…
Where are you?
Where is the light?
Will I always be here alone and scared?
~ Linda, January 2014

As that first year passed into another, life went on… Life didn’t end there, but it wasn’t a life of hope. It was simply a life of survival… It was about putting one foot in front of the other… Each day looked like the one before it… My kids were all grown with lives of their own. I knew they loved me, but I certainly didn’t think I was needed. I just existed…

And so it was for a very long time…

I remember telling one of my daughters that each day that passed simply represented another day closer to being with Bruce again. I even remember confiding to some of my closest friends that if I got really sick (like cancer), I wouldn’t fight it. My poor family – I was a mess!

I remember people telling me that I “needed to live” … That my life wasn’t over… I kept reading the verse from Matthew 5:4, “Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted.” But I wasn’t comforted. I was struggling… I would pray for God to let me join Bruce, but my sobbing prayers were met with silence. God wasn’t even listening, (or so I thought),… but I thought wrong.

Slowly things began to change.

I began to realize that even though my kids were adults with lives of their own, they actually did still need me. I am the only parent in their lives, and that can be a pretty important space even with adult children. Then, there is my grandson. When he and my daughter moved in with me, it was as if someone turned the lights back on… That huge space was filled once again with love and laughter and fun and chaos and incredible moments… In other words – life… Our home was once again filled with life.

Then, 2018 happened… When I first found the lump, I ignored it. Not because I wanted to die, I just didn’t want to believe it was anything serious. For months, I convinced myself it was nothing… And I said nothing – not a word to anyone. After waiting eight months, I finally saw a doctor who gave me the diagnosis I didn’t want to hear – cancer.

It’s weird… years before I thought that was what I wanted – not cancer, but a way out… A way to Bruce. While that may sound a bit dramatic, I have read enough books on grief to know it is a normal part of grieving. (As if there is anything normal about grief!)

But by 2018, that was no longer what I wanted… Over the past few years, I have learned to love life again. Yes, I still have times of grief, but never to the extent that it had been in the beginning. So, what did I do? I did what most of us would do… I chose to fight… I chose to live!

I came across a quote from Andre Escobar – “Life doesn’t end here.” Just a few short years ago, I thought my life had ended… I was done. But not anymore… Over the years, I did find that comfort I read about in Matthew. I found it in the arms of my friends and family. Now… “life doesn’t end here” became my mantra…

My last treatment was on November 2, and while I haven’t heard the words “cured” or “remission” yet, (it’s too soon), as far as I’m concerned, I have won! My hair is growing back. I am working out. I’m back at the office. I am doing all the things I love to do, and I feel fabulous!

I am living life again… and I am loving it!

I still miss Bruce. I’d be lying to say otherwise. However, my faith tells me I will see him again, and I hang onto that truth. I also know he wouldn’t want me to shut down and stop living. Our short time together taught me that life is too precious for that.

So, as long as I have breath within me, I will keep on loving and living, because…

Life doesn’t end here…

“So I’m going to do my best in this life so that I’m sure to see her in the next one. I’m going to work hard, tell the truth, and be of some use to the people who care about me. I’m going to try anyway.” – Adriana Trigiani, The Shoemaker’s Wife

What about you? When your loved on died, did it take time to want to live and learn to love life again? Is that something you still struggle with? It can be hard to admit, but it is even harder to bear alone. We are part of a club, we never wanted to join. Yet, here we are… Let’s reach out to one another and share our stories. Would you be willing to share your story or thoughts? To do so, go to the comments and leave a note.*

Who knows… your story may the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love and Grief… Trying to Build a Better Boat

This year is different.
I can’t explain it.
My heart is still shattered.
The tears are still falling.
But this year,
I just want to remember…
I want to look at photographs
And gaze deep in your eyes.
I want to remember
The laughter
And the gentle moments when you held me
And whispered, “I love you.”
I want to close my eyes
And go back to that first hello…
That first kiss.
This year there seems no need for ceremonies…
Just time alone…
With you…
~ Linda, January 2019

Well, I did it… I survived this week… one of the hardest weeks on the calendar for me. This week held the anniversary of Bruce’s death. Only one moment in time, but a moment that changed my life forever.

The first year, I wasn’t sure what to do. My sister had the foresight to know I shouldn’t be alone, and lovingly came and spent the weekend with me. We didn’t really do anything formal – a trip to the beach and a crab dinner (one of Bruce’s favorites).

The following year, I knew I wanted… no, needed… to do something different… something more. We made Tibetan prayer flags for the garden, as well as baskets filled with flowers, incense and charms to represent special things about Bruce to place in the ocean. I even wrote a letter to Bruce to place in the basket. Two of my daughters were able to come join me, and we headed to the ocean for a special ceremony of sorts. Plus, toasts at all his favorite fishing spots and meals at all his favorite restaurants. And to finish the night – a little Jimmy Buffet to sooth the soul.

This tradition I kept up for several years. Then last year, I decided to change it up just a little… First, the prayer flags were in such good condition, there was no need to make new ones. I also decided I wanted to travel… Traveling was how we met and what we loved to do, so I decided to make that a new part of the tradition. So, off I went to another beach south of here. It was a lovely weekend. I still brought flowers and beer to the beach. I still wrote him a letter. I still ate at places I believed he would have loved, and I still finished the night dancing to Jimmy Buffet.

This year, though, things are very different. Perhaps it’s a result of spending the last year fighting to survive, but as I wrote a couple of weeks ago, I have felt very different in my grief these past few months. I don’t really know how to explain it… I still miss him. However, so much of the time before the cancer diagnosis, I just felt like I was going through the motions of life. Whereas now, I actually feel enthusiastic about living my life.

In fact, have you heard Kenny Chesney’s new song, Better Boat? I love it! In fact, I relate to it so much, it has become my mantra song over the last few months… It just seems to truly describe where I find myself emotionally…

… My how the last few months have changed

I’m smilin’ more despite the pain…
I breathe in, I breathe out
Got friends to call who let me talk about
What ain’t working, what’s still hurtin’
All the things I feel like cussing out
Now and then I let it go
I ride the waves I can’t control
If it’s working I don’t know
When I get done the thing may not float
But I’m learning how to build a better boat
~ Songwriters: Travis Meadows, Liz Rose

So that’s me lately… Just constantly trying to “build a better boat.” In fact, that’s where I found myself this week… I knew I would be sad, and I knew there would be tears, but I also knew I needed something different… Something more quiet and less formal. I also knew I knew I wanted to be in “our” home this year… No traveling – I’ve spent enough time away from my family and traveling for treatments this last year. So, when I woke up that morning, I still had no idea… I was going to play it by ear… And here’s how it played out…

My journal:
January 2019 – noon
“Hi Babe!
Well, maybe I should be but I’m not so mad today… Sad – yes… Missing you – definitely… Wishing you were here and knowing you would love this time together today – you bet!

I didn’t (couldn’t) go to our beach today. It’s still closed due to the government shutdown. All week I’ve been hoping it would open, but no… Anyway, I drove up to Daytona instead. The beach ramp for cars is closed (high tide), but that’s okay. It’s kinda cold anyway, so I’m sitting inside the pier restaurant (Crabby Joe’s). You used to love this place! I’m at one of the high-tops overlooking the water, which is beautiful today. I can even feel the waves rocking the pier. And if I close my eyes, I would swear I can feel you right beside me… Because that is where you always sat… Never across from me – always beside me with one hand on my leg or holding my hand… I miss that….

You would love this today! I know you would be all about this place and simply spending time together.

It’s weird – maybe good – but this year is so different. In the past, I had (no – needed) a “ceremony” for today… But this year, that didn’t feel right. It was right at the time, but this year, I just wanted to enjoy the day and remember you… remember us.

The memories are flooding in. I can feel the tears in my eyes and a few have fallen, but mostly the memories make me smile. I love remembering… I love giving my “permission” – perhaps selfishly – to simply spend today focusing on you and us…

5 pm
As I sit here, all I can think about is how blessed I have been. Yes – there have been hard times… even some really sucky times… But through it all, I have survived… I have come out on top knowing I have experienced great love… your love…

9 pm
I have thought about you so much today… So many memories… So much love. I’ll never understand why… I’ll never know what life would be like if we could have lived out our dreams together… I just know my heart is still shattered… I love you. I will always love you… And I have been blessed to have known a love like ours…”

I ain’t lonely, but I spend a lot of time alone
More than I’d like to, but I’m okay with staying home
My how the last few months have changed
I’m smilin’ more despite the pain

I hate waiting, ain’t no patience in these hands
I’m not complaining, sometimes it’s hard to change a man
I think I’m stronger than I was,
I let God do what he does

I breathe in, I breathe out
Got friends to call who let me talk about
What ain’t working, what’s still hurtin’
All the things I feel like cussing out
Now and then I let it go
I ride the waves I can’t control
If it’s working I don’t know
When I get done the thing may not float
But I’m learning how to build a better boat
~ Songwriters: Travis Meadows, Liz Rose

What about you? How do honor your loved one’s memory? Does it change year to year? Or are there certain traditions you incorporate each year? What do you do to remember? Would you be willing to share your story or thoughts? To do so, go to the comments and leave a note.*

Who knows… your story may the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love and Grief… My Biggest Fear

This week marks the anniversary of mine and Bruce’s last week together… And to make it even more real, the dates line up to the day of the week exactly as they did that same week six years ago. When I woke up this morning, I found myself trying to remember every moment of that week. It was such precious time, and we had no idea what lay just a few short days away.

The trouble is the distance between that week and this one… and my own memory…

When Bruce died, and this journey began, I was terrified. There were so much hurt and so many unknowns. How in the world was I supposed to learn to navigate this path on my own?… Well, time has passed, and thankfully, with each passing day, I learn a little bit more.

But there is one fear, I can’t seem to shake. In fact, as time goes on, it seems to be my biggest fear… It is the fear of forgetting.

From the moment he died, I swore that as long as I had breath in my lungs, his memory would stay alive. I refused to forget him, or to let the world forget he had been here, too. Perhaps that is a part of my reasoning for writing this blog… I know it is why I keep a journal.

It is the reason we write down our Christmas memories with Bruce and slip them into his stocking, (which I still hang next my own). And why his pictures still grace the shelves throughout our home. It is why I still wear his jacket on chilly nights and smile whenever I see his favorite beer on a menu or a store shelf.

These last few months, I have even begun to recognize some of my own healing as I find myself looking at pictures and (rather than crying), I can beam with delight at the memories involved. These things (and many more) are what I choose to do to keep Bruce’s memory and legacy alive… It is my way of expressing the love I still feel for him.

But…

There have also been some changes over the last few months which is fueling my biggest fear… The fear of forgetting… And the cancer treatments of this past year don’t help this situation at all. (Allow me to confirm that “chemo-brain” is a very real and very frustrating thing.)

So how does that play out?

Well, I struggle to remember what his voice sounded like. I have two videos of Bruce – one is silent and in the other, he only says one word, … “almost” and he laughs. I find myself watching it over and over just to hear that one word… just to hear the joy in his laughter and see the smile on his face.

I struggle to remember what his arms felt like and how it felt to lay in them… To remember the comfort and security I always found there. While I have gotten stronger and more self-reliant this year, deep down I miss the strength I found in those arms, and I am frustrated as I struggle to recall how that felt.

I also struggle to remember what it felt like to hold his hand… His hands were so much bigger than my own. I can remember we rarely interlaced our fingers because it would hurt my hands. Instead, he would hold my hands like a child’s and ever so gently rub the back of my hand with his thumb.

I want to remember the exact color of his eyes and the way they wrinkled when he smiled… Or to remember the things that made him smile… I want to remember how his eyes twinkled when he was up to no good and how it sounded when he said, “I love you.”

I want to remember all of it… But between the cancer treatments and growing older, that seems to be getting harder and harder. I am terrified I am forgetting… And that makes me even more sad.

Normally in the past, I would spend a lot of time this week at “our” beach where his ashes were spread off shore. I would sit there for hours… remembering… writing… and just talking to him. But this year, due to this government shut-down, that is not an option. Our beach is closed, and I can’t even get close to that space which is so precious to me.

I’m not sure how I will spend this week, or how to overcome this fear… All I know is this is my biggest fear, and it seems to be coming true…

But one thing I will always remember – I love him… And I will always love him…

“’I miss him every single day,’ I said… ‘It’s gotten to the point where I can’t hear his voice anymore and I’m so afraid I won’t remember what he sounded like when he’d say, ‘I love you.’ And I don’t ever want to forget.’” ~ Donna VanLiere, The Christmas Hope

What about you? What is your biggest fear? Do you ever struggle with forgetting? Am I alone on this one? Would you like to share your thoughts or ideas on how you deal with your fears? Or what you do to remember? Would you be willing to share your story or thoughts? To do so, go to the comments and leave a note.*

Who knows… your story may the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love and Grief… Wishes

Christmas wishes… This is the time of year when wishes are made… and many come true. Children write letters to Santa, and adults make their wishes in other ways. However, for some of us, our wishes can never come true… What we want can never happen… And that is hard… It is hard to know that the one thing I want… The one thing I would give my life for… is the one thing I can never have.

What is that? … It is my constant “prayer” to Bruce… Each day it is different, but it is always there…

I wish you were still here… I wish I could still feel you near me… I would give anything to feel your arms around me… I wish I could hug you right now… I wish I could hear your voice again… I would give anything to have one more conversation… I would give anything to lay with you one more time… I want to feel your soft touch… To look into your eyes as I lay in your arms… Just one more sunrise… Just one more sunset… Just one more time… Just 5 more minutes…

All these things… This is what I wish for… everyday. But, this is what I can never have…

I am learning to move one. One day at a time, I am learning to move forward and live life again… But I still miss him… I think I will always miss him. He understood me… He knew everything about me – the good and the bad – and yet, he loved me anyway. He knew my deepest secrets, and he held me when the nightmares took my breath away. He protected me and our family. He believed in us… and in me… And he taught me to believe in myself.

Remember in the Christmas movie, A Christmas Story, how Ralphie was totally obsessed with wanting a Red Rider BB Gun? No matter what anyone said, his obsession remained… No one could deter him or make him change his mind. Well, I guess, I am the same… I know I can’t have what I want, but I still want it. Life goes one, but in my heart, I still want what I want.

There are days when I feel guilty for wishing he was still here rather than being thrilled with life as it is… (Yeah, okay, there was a little sarcasm with the “thrilled” part.) But seriously… for the most part, I do live life and love it. I do!
I am thrilled to still be alive.

This year was rough… I know it was a close call. To have survived a bout with cancer and still feel like I can live life to the fullest is amazing. I know the fact that I am still be here is a blessing that I do not deserve but am so thankful for.

Yet, my wishes are my wishes…

This week I have been blessed again… I was reminded that even Jesus had wishes. Granted, his were way more serious. He was being required to suffer so much… So much more than I could ever imagine. In the garden before his death, he prayed that “this cup be taken from him.” He knew the suffering ahead, and he wished it could be otherwise.

Maybe it is silly, but I have found great comfort this week in knowing that my Lord wished for his suffering to take a different path… And so, do I. It is comforting to know I am not alone in wishing for the suffering to just… not… be…

To know that God knows my pain… He understands my wishes… He doesn’t judge me… is comforting. In fact, to know that he understands me is beyond everything else. And while nothing will change my reality, there is great comfort in knowing that God understands all of that… Which means, I am not alone.

I won’t get my wish this Christmas… or any other Christmas, but I’m not alone.

And that means more to me than I can ever express.

This is a season of hope and joy… I feel all of that this year… And I pray that we might all find that in our own way.

What about you? Does any of this strike a chord with you? How does this season effect you? Do you also have wishes that you know can never come true? Maybe you have found a different way to cope… There is no one right answer. Who knows… you may hold the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love and Grief… Smiling on the Journey

“Learn to enjoy life while you’re going through the transformation process. Many of us look like we’re walking a tightrope rather than a pathway of peace. Instead, enjoy where you’re going.” – Unknown

I remember when this whole journey began… I really struggled with trying to understand why I was still here, and Bruce wasn’t. I loved him so much. How was I supposed to go on without him? What was the purpose? Did I even have a reason to still be here? Honestly, while I didn’t want to be here, I knew there had to be a reason, but for the life of me, I couldn’t figure out what it was. It was taking everything I had just to survive that first year… how could God expect anything more of me?

“As long as God chooses to leave you on this earth, don’t just exist – live!” – Unknown

There were also days when I was so hurt, I couldn’t even trust God. After all, why hadn’t he stopped this from happening? Why did he let me experience such a wonderful love, only to snatch it away so quickly? It took me years to realize that wasn’t the case at all.

Pain and death are not a part of his perfect plan, but they are a reality in an imperfect world… In fact, God hurt, because I hurt… All those nights when I thought I was absolutely alone and abandoned, he was right beside me… I was just too hurt to feel him.

“Don’t be afraid… you are mine. When you go through deep waters and great trouble, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown! When you walk through the fire of oppression… the flames will not consume you. For I am the Lord your God.” – Isaiah 43:1-3

There have also been days when all I could see was how much further I still have to go on this journey. I have always firmly believed that Bruce and I will be together again in eternity… I know without a doubt he is waiting for me, and one day we will be able to explore the wonders of heaven together. However, the women in my family live a long time… With that in mind, I knew I was only halfway through this life when he left it… How in the world could I do another 50+ years without Bruce?

While there are still moments when I can get caught up on how much of life still lays between us, I have gotten better at refocusing my thoughts on the blessings all around me. It started slowly with my journal. Each day, I made myself list at least five things I was thankful for… Some days that list was as simple as “I got out of bed” and on other days, the list went on and on. In fact, when I made my list today, it filled 2.5 pages… Life isn’t what I thought it would be, but it is still filled with more blessings than I can count.

“Instead of getting discouraged about how far you still have to go,
learn to celebrate your progress along the way.” – Unknown

It’s odd, I suppose, but with Bruce, I never questioned my purpose here. Just loving each other and our families seemed to be purpose enough. I don’t know why, but since he died there have been times when I pondered what my purpose is now? What am I supposed to do?

“No matter how wonderful the journey is, what’s the point if there’s no destination?” – Unknown

I have always felt my purpose is about love, but for some reason, I have felt a need to reach out past my own family. I know there are many people out there who are on this journey and hurting too, which is why started writing this blog. However, sometimes I find myself wondering if I have anything left to say here… Yet, I know that if even one person is touched or given any hope because of these words of love, then perhaps, just perhaps, it is worthwhile.

So, it may not seem like much, but this is my way of loving so many others who feel alone too. So, while I would never say losing Bruce was a good thing, perhaps I have found my own way of making something good out of something painful.

“We may impress people with our strengths,
but we often connect with them best through our struggles.” – Unknown

I guess, what I’m trying to say today is, “Don’t give up…” There really is more to life. I started on this journey thinking I couldn’t do this… I was overwhelmed with pain, and felt I had nowhere to turn for comfort. However, through the years I have learned to smile again… I have learned to laugh and enjoy the blessings this life has to offer. Does this mean I get it right every day? Of course not, I believe I will always have those days when my grief takes a strong hold on my heart. But for the most part, I know I am still here for a reason, and that reason must be something pretty amazing because…

“God’s will isn’t simply for you to survive, but to thrive.” – Unknown

As I tell my grandson, each day is a new start… Like a fresh piece of paper, each day offers us a new chance to write our story and make it whatever we want it to be…

“This is a wonderful day. I’ve never seen this one before.” – Maya Angelou

What about you? Does any of this strike a chord with you? What has your journey been like? Have you always been able to keep moving forward or do you have days when you struggle with your purpose or focusing on your grief? Maybe you have found a different way to cope… There is no one right answer. Who knows… you may hold the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love and Grief… Remembering to Be Grateful

“Gratitude isn’t a natural response to adversity;
It’s a discipline you develop.”
~ Unknown

This time of year can be hard… First, this is the time of year focused on family. And while I have a wonderful family, for me there is someone missing… Bruce. It breaks my heart all over again every time I think about it. Then to add the part about be grateful, and the struggle gets a little harder.

It’s not that I’m not grateful, but missing Bruce during the holidays makes it that much harder to remember to be grateful. I actually have to make myself think about the things I have been blessed with rather than the one person I am missing. That may sound ridiculous, but it is a lot harder than one might think.

That first year, I was still too angry to be thankful for anything, (and I told God so). As the years have passed, my attitude has changed. For me the biggest change happened, when I stopped trying to understand why Bruce died, and started trusting that the God who created me, also loves me. (That was a lot harder than it sounds.)

I came to understand that this journey was not a punishment or a test. This death thing was not anything God wanted either. In fact, I have come to believe that when I hurt, he hurts. It took a while (a long while), but I gradually learned to trust in the “unchanging and loving character” of a God who loves me unconditionally, versus the “Gotcha God” that is so often preached.

It is a little hard to believe it is already Thanksgiving week again. I feel like I blinked and went from April to now. (I guess I was a little hyper-focused on getting well.) But now it is a time to be grateful, and I am… I really am. I am alive. My treatments are over. The cancer (as far as I know) is gone. It has been quite a journey, and I am so glad it is over.

But that’s only the tip of the iceberg. I am still here… I get to still watch my grandson grow up. I get to spend time with my family, especially my kids and my sister. I get to watch the sunrise. I get to laugh and play and enjoy life.

What a gift! A gift I didn’t appreciate a few years ago. A gift I wasn’t sure I would have a few months ago. A gift not given to everyone who travels this path.

If there is one thing I learned when Bruce died, it was how short and unpredictable life is. And on this cancer journey, I learned that the things I thought were important before, really aren’t. In the past, I wasted a lot of time worrying or being upset about things that don’t matter now or aren’t even remembered anymore.

I have learned that life, love, and living each moment in a state of gratitude… that is important.

I have to say – this year has been a beast. Yet through it all, I know I have been blessed, and I am truly grateful.

“Gratitude is an attitude you choose,
Not a reaction to your circumstances.”
~ Unknown

What about you? Does any of this strike a chord with you? How do you handle family holidays? Have you always been able to be grateful or have you struggled with being grateful? You are not alone… We are all here together. Or maybe you have found a different way to cope… There is no one right answer. Who knows… you may hold the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love and Grief… Happy Anniversary

I felt you today.
I felt the warmth of your smile,
And it made me laugh.
Thank you!
~ Linda, January 2018

This week Bruce and I would have celebrated our 13th anniversary. This is always such a bitter sweet day for me… So blessed to have loved Bruce, and so grieved at his loss. Maybe it sounds a little crazy but those are my feelings, and they can be a bit hard to reconcile.

This was my sixth year celebrating our love without him, and I thought I would spend it like I usually do – sunrise at the beach, some writing time, lunch at his favorite seafood place, some time to reminisce and dinner at “our” restaurant. However, life had different plans. I did get to start my day watching the sunrise are our favorite beach (also where his ashes were scattered). I was also able to end the day at “our” restaurant… The one he found and surprised me with so many years ago. But, all the time in between, seemed to get filled up with other things this year. Mainly, household chores which had been put off while I was undergoing treatment and a leaky hot water heater. (Thankfully, the water heater waited to die until I got back home, so there is no damage.)

As I was watching the sunrise, I did manage to get a little bit of writing done, so that is what I plan to share today. My letter to Bruce, which he will never read… And yet, I believe, he heard every single word as I sat there and wrote it.

“Happy Anniversary, Babe! Wow! Today would be 13 years… It seems like just yesterday. I can still see your face – your eyes looking straight into mine as you held my hands in yours and promised to love me… always. Nothing has changed that… Even as I sit here watching the waves, I know somewhere out there you still love me… And I hang onto that. (Maybe more than I should, but then again, who’s to say – I know what I know, and I feel what I feel.)

The sunrise this morning was beautiful. I was like a show just for me (us)… There were clouds covering the eastern sky, so I really thought I wouldn’t see it. But, at just the exact moment, a hole broke in the bottom of the cloud bank… just enough (and in the precise spot) so I could see the sun rise after all. There is a part of me that believes you did that for me. So, thank you!

I think I needed that… I need to know you’re still here. I haven’t felt you as much lately… There aren’t as many signs, which has made this year that much harder. In fact, doing this whole cancer thing without you has been hard. Everyone keeps telling me how great I’m doing and how strong and tough I am. But I don’t feel strong and tough. And as for the “great” part – it is as much “fake it till you make it” as anything else.

It’s actually more like when you died… I don’t feel strong at all. In fact, I’ve been really scared. But I did what I had to do because there wasn’t another (rational) choice. Just like when Matthew died or when I went through my divorce, loss has never been a “Oh, I am ready for this – bring it on” kind of thing – like the heroine of a story. (I wish it were that simple.) NO! It is more of a “Oh crap – What do I do now?”

Then, I take one step at a time – and only focus on the step I need to take in that moment. Anything else – focusing behind me or too far in front – becomes overwhelming.

And through all of these losses, (even before I knew you), I believe I missed you. Before I knew you, I missed being loved – truly loved and how that love can see you through the rough times. Then once I knew your love and lost it, I missed it even more, because I knew what I was missing.

Today is a day to remember that love… To remember a time when both of us were so sure of our love that we were willing to do whatever it took to be together. We were so sure of our future together… We had no idea how short our time together would be… But it was… We blinked, and it was over.

So, here I am, celebrating #13 alone… my sixth time celebrating “us” alone. It’s comforting know you are somewhere out there waiting for me…
I miss you! I love you so much! Thank you, Babe, for loving me… Thank you for marrying me… And thank you for waiting for me… I am yours – always and forever!”

I have learned to laugh again.
I have learned to find joy in the quiet moments spent with those I love.
But it still hurts.
I think it will probably always hurt…
Simply because you aren’t here.
~ Linda, January 2018

What about you? Does any of this strike a chord with you? How do you handle anniversaries of special times together? How did you handle those bittersweet days when your feelings don’t seem to be able to reconcile with each other? Maybe you have found a different way to cope… There is no one right answer. Who knows… you may hold the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief