loss – Page 32 – Peace, Love & Grief

Peace, Love and Grief… When their next breath depended on you

Earlier this week I saw an article on line about a rescue worker who responded to a call. He immediately begin performing CPR, then realized he was working on a loved one. He became so emotionally overwhelmed, he had to let his partner take over. There were hundreds of comments following the article – some showing support and compassion for the man, but many others judging and criticizing the man for becoming too overwhelmed to continue.

For me, the article hit way to close to home. In fact, it shook me up so badly, I can’t really remember any more details than what I have written. I can’t remember what type of emergency responder he was or who the love one was. But the comments at the bottom, keep echoing through my head… and dragging out the memories of that night…

I remember waking shortly after midnight. We were still snuggled up, but Bruce sounded like he was having a nightmare. I remember trying to wake him. I called his name and shook him hard several times. As I was reaching across him to turn on the bedside lamp, he seized up, then went suddenly limp. I was frozen for a moment – not quite sure what to do. My instinct was to call 911. However, I also knew if I was over-reacting, he would be so upset with me. (Keep in mind, this debate in my mind took less than .5 second.)

I called 911.

Some of my memories of that night are foggy while others are as sharp as if it all just happened. I remember talking to the dispatcher while racing to open the front door for the EMS crew. I remember the dispatcher asking if Bruce was still breathing… It know it sounds ridiculous, but I couldn’t tell. He sounded like he was trying to breathe but couldn’t catch his breath. Finally, I said, “No, I don’t think he is breathing.” (I remember thinking how stupid I must sound.)

The dispatcher asked if I knew how to do chest compressions. I did. In fact, up until that point, I had been “the” CPR certified person in our office for years. He asked if I could move Bruce to the floor so the compressions would be more effective. I couldn’t – Bruce was a body-builder and more than twice my size. Plus, our bed required stairs for me to got up onto it.

Instead, I had to find something solid and get it under him before I could start the compressions. I found something that would work, but getting it under him was another problem. It took all my strength to roll him onto his side and hold him there while I positioned the board beneath him.

I remember thinking I was wasting SO much time… I needed to move faster.
I finally started the compressions while counting out loud. I was only on 53 or 54 when the EMS team walked in and took over. They immediately moved him to the floor as they took over the compressions and inserted a breathing tube attached to a breathing bag. I realized immediately that the pulse line on their monitor was flat. I watched from a few feet away, as they tried injecting medication directly into his heart… but the line on the monitor stayed flat. Next, they tried the “paddles”… but still, the line on the monitor remained flat.

I remember standing perfectly still… frozen in space and time – completely silent… yet on the inside, I was screaming for him to come back… but I already knew. No one said a word… They didn’t need to – we all knew.

They continued doing CPR as we waited for a police officer to arrive who could drive me to the hospital behind the ambulance. There were no sirens and no one beside me in the squad car… just myself and my worst fear coming true… and I couldn’t make any of it stop.

At the hospital, they led me to a “consultation room.” There was one dimly lit lamp on a table and two couches on opposite walls. I remember sitting there alone at first. I remember I didn’t want to be there. I already knew what the “consulation” would be, and I didn’t want to hear it… I didn’t want to hear those words.

It was only a few minutes before the attending physician came in and said the words that made everything final and real… a confirmation of what I didn’t want to know for sure.

In that moment my world fell apart. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I remember thinking for so many years, Bruce had been my hero – my knight in shining armor – and now, in his moment of crisis, I had failed him.

His next breath had depended on me, and despite everything,… he had died.

Believe me when I say, I know it is hard to lose a spouse. I know it is even harder to watch them take their last breath… I also know the worst is knowing that their next breath… their very life depended on you, but you failed… I know because I failed.

It took several months for the autopsy results to come back. The cause of death was listed as “hypertensive heart disease” – high blood pressure. (Bruce had been on medication for years for his blood pressure.) The Medical Examiner called to further explain his findings… the piece of the puzzle he felt I needed to know.

As he explained it, Bruce’s heart was twice the size it should have been. This was caused by the hypertension. The high blood pressure forces the heart to work harder to pump the blood. The heart like any muscle grows when it works hard… forcing the heart to work harder. Over time, this creates an unhealthy cycle.

The M.E. also asked if anyone had performed CPR on Bruce that night. I told him I had tried, but had failed. As we talked, he was very kind and explained that I was really “too small to be effective at CPR.” He said that CPR is used as an attempt to help someone who is technically already dead and most times is not effective… especially when performed by someone my size on someone Bruce’s size.

However, he went on to explain that, in reality, no one could have saved Bruce that night. Because of his heart size, Bruce needed a heart transplant. Without it, once his heart stopped, there was no way to restart it… no one could have saved him that night… It was already too late.

While my rational mind understands all of this, emotions are not rational. If I am honest, despite the years, my guilt over my own failure remains.

At first, I tried to deal with my guilt by talking about it, but people weren’t really equipped to help. Their response usually sounded something like, “You know you couldn’t have saved him.” (Yes, I know.) “You’ve been told there was nothing anyone could have done.” (True.) “Don’t say that. You know better. Stop thinking like that.” (True, but what I feel and what I know are two different things, and I don’t know how to make it stop.)

Eventually, I quit trying to talk about it… I don’t blame people for being uncomfortable or for the things they said. They were trying. They meant well. (And I appreciate that effort.) They wanted to help by having me look at the facts… The problem was (and is) I know the facts, but that doesn’t help me deal with my emotions. (I, also, know I have said similar things to others when trying to help.)

Besides, if I don’t know what I need to help me through this, how could anyone else?

My rational mind understands all the facts. I have no regrets about our relationship or how we spent our time together. I am thankful that I held Bruce while he took his last breath. I am so thankful I was with him, and he didn’t die alone. However, I think I will always feel that I failed him… The one time he really needed me, I let him down.

I think I will always question myself and wonder, “What if…”

After being coached and being a coach to others, I know that regret and guilt are emotions that get us no where. They are not productive emotions. They cause us to bog down where we are – unable to move forward because we are spending too much time looking behind.

Most days, I try to stick to the rational thoughts and ignore the emotional side of that experience. However, when I read the comments following the article this week, so many of those feelings re-surfaced stronger than ever. People were so quick to judge… so quick to say what (they believe) they would do. I think we all want to believe we would be “the hero” – do the “right thing” – “save the person in need.”

I thought I knew what I would do. I thought I was prepared to “be there”… to help anyone if needed. I was wrong. I learned that’s not the way life always turns out. What we think we would do and what really happens is often light years apart. This week, I found myself wondering what these same people would think of me. What would they say? What about the people in my life? The ones who loved Bruce, too?

Knowing all that I know… having experienced this for myself and knowing the reality of it, there are (many) days when I am terrified of ever finding myself in such a situation again. I know that learning to trust myself again and being able to forgive myself are a big part of my healing process…

And I am still working on that.

What about you? Did you have any guilt or regrets that you would be willing to share? Or any advice on coming to terms with the guilt or regrets?

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Peace, Love and Grief… Now for the rest of the story

One Day
One day I will see him again.
And he will touch my cheek,
And kiss me,
And I will smile… again.

~ Linda, Sept 10, 2014

Last week I wrote about our upcoming anniversary… Where we had come from, what we had planned and what I anticipated as the upcoming reality. Well, it ended up being such an incredible day… better than I could have ever imagined. So, I thought this week I would share that with you… just as I wrote it in my journal (which I always write as if it is a letter to Bruce).

First I should probably explain that I don’t just believe, I know that there is still a connection between Bruce and I. (And those I am closest to and love get to hear those stories quite a bit.) This is one of those stories…

Nov 14

Hi Babe,
Oh my gosh, I miss you today! It was such a good week, especially Monday! Our anniversary was beautiful! I worked from home and started early (4:30 am) since I wasn’t sure how I would be emotionally as the day progressed. It was supposed to rain in the afternoon so I decided to go to the beach at sunrise to spend some time with you.

When I got to the station where we scattered your ashes, the tide was high; the surf was rough and while the sky was lit up, the sun hadn’t risen quite yet. I was the only one there… it was perfect.

I changed my mind about bringing you a beer and decided instead to bring you some of the Jamaican rum I got this summer. It just felt right since that was supposed to have been our trip. I started off pouring you only 1/2 a shot. (I was really hesitant to pour very much of this rum into the ocean. After all, I can’t get it here and who knows when I’ll go back there.) Then I laughed because I could almost hear you say, “Really? That’s all? What kind of tribute is that?”

Shoot! Touche! You win! I think we were both laughing as I filled the shot and poured it into the next wave that came up and covered my feet. Then, I poured my own shot and lifted it in a toast to us… to our connection that even death cannot stop.

After that I took your card and three roses and placed them in the sand below the high tide mark. I managed to get a picture before a wave came and took the card. (I did not see the card again.) However, it took a few more waves for the roses to go… at least two of them. One rose kept washing back up to my feet. I’d throw it back into the water and back it would come (right to my feet). The others were long gone, but that one kept coming back.

“Babe,” I said, “Stop! These are for you.” The next time I threw it, it didn’t come back. I smiled with satisfaction and sat down to watch the sun rise.

About that same time, a man came down the boardwalk and seeing me to the left, he followed “appropriate beach etiquette” (lol!) and went to the right. Within a minute or two, though, he was walking back toward me… carrying “the rose.”

As I stood to greet him he said, “I know this sounds weird, and I’m really out here to fish, I promise. But this rose just washed up at my feet, and I had this overwhelming urge to bring it to you. Now that I’m here, it looks like you need it.” Then he paused as I started to laugh and cry at the same time. “Was that okay?” he asked.

“Yes,” I said as I took the rose back and explained why I was there. I went on to explain that I had thrown that rose back several times.

“I think your husband must want you to have this one,” he said as he gave me a hug and walked back to his spot. At that point I looked out at the water to thank you, Babe, and there – not 3 feet from the shore (in the gully) – was a 4 – 5 foot shark. (We always called Bruce, My Michigan Shark, after the shark in Finding Nemo and because it was the “on-set” nickname of the shark in Jaws.)

I smiled all day because of that… thank you, Babe!

For dinner I went to our place in Cocoa and the waiter remembered me. He greeted me as soon as I walked in. “I saw ‘Anniversary dinner for one’ in the Reservation book,” he said, “and I was hoping it was you. We will make this a special night… I promise.” And, of course, they did… even down to a complimentary glass of champagne.

It was not what we planned all those years ago, Babe, but I felt happy… and loved… Thank you!

I shared this story with you knowing that there will be different reactions… and probably plenty of skeptics. That’s okay. My purpose is to write about my experience, so I will tell you what my Daddy told me when I related the beach story to my parents…

“Only you can interpret that story for yourself, Tiger.” (Yep – That’s what my Daddy has always called me.) “Don’t let anyone tell you what it is or isn’t. Keep the joy you felt and hold onto that.”

And that is precisely what I plan to do.

Website Note: Due to family time, I will be slightly off schedule for the next couple of weeks. I will post early next week and late the following week. Thank you for understanding my need to enjoy my precious time with those I love.

Have you ever had one of those moments when you connected with your loved one? I would love to hear from you… Please feel free to share your experiences, too. To do so, go to the comments and leave a note.*

Who knows… your story may be the one that changes everything for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love and Grief… What’s supposed to be and what is…

It still hurts
It’s so quiet here,
And I’m so alone.
I relive so many memories in my mind.
And for a moment, I can smile again.
Then, I breathe and open my eyes…
And once again, I am alone.
This sadness is never ending.
The pain can be unbearable.
Do you hear me when I call out to you?
I feel so horribly alone.
How long will this pain live inside me?
How long will I have to smile, when all I want to do is cry?
I find my self pulling ever further inward…
There is no one to understand.
They are not cruel…
They try… they care.
But they do not know how to comfort me…
They love me…
I love them…
But there is a chasm between them and me…
And another between me and you…
And it all hurts so bad.
~ Linda, November 4, 2015

Fall 2005 – Bruce and I had spent the entire summer together in Michigan. We already knew that we loved each other, but the summer showed us exactly how compatible and connected we were. As the summer ended, I went back to SC to teach. It didn’t take long, though, for us to realize that being apart was not going to work. However, we both had daughters in high school, and wanted to let them graduate before we did anything permanent.

Within a month of being home, I learned that I had lost everything. All the money I had invested with a family “friend” had been embezzled. I had 4 kids to take care of, an ex-husband who refused to pay child support, and a job that I loved but did not pay a livable wage… so without my investments there was not enough income. Bruce never hesitated. He wanted to move ahead with the marriage. I hesitated… I wanted us to get married because it was what WE wanted and WHEN we wanted it. He was quite convincing that it WAS what he wanted. I remember my mother telling me that it was a good thing… my kids would get the experience of witnessing a healthy marriage and having a loving male figure in their lives. For me, there was a knowing that the right thing was to stay on the path of love and happiness we were on… So, 2 weeks later, I agreed… I wanted it too…

There was Bruce… my hero… And he remained my hero from that day forward…

October came. I gave notice at my school, and we started planning for the move to Michigan. It all happened quite quickly. My oldest daughter had already graduated college and my second was away at college. My son was a senior in High School and already eighteen, so he moved in with his best friend’s family for the remainder of the school year. It was just my youngest daughter and I (and our cat) leaving. After two days, we arrived in Michigan late on Halloween night.

On November 9, 2005, (a Wednesday) at 3:30 PM at the county courthouse, Bruce and I were married. Because it all happened so quickly, the only people there were his parents, his daughter and my youngest daughter. I remember that it was a beautiful fall day. Afterward, we went back to the house for champagne and hors d’oeuvres. Then, dinner at a local restaurant. He had taken care of everything… I just had to show up. It was all so simple and so beautiful, and we were ecstatic…

(us immediately after the ceremony)

But…

It was not what we had originally planned. During the summer we had planned a beach wedding with both of our families beside us. Circumstances had changed that. But Bruce, always the hero, told me not to worry. For our ten year anniversary, we would have our beach wedding with everyone from both our families. It would be beautiful, and it would be special…

But that wasn’t meant to be.

This year would have been that tenth anniversary. Sadly, my hero didn’t make it that long.

This is my third anniversary without him, and (I think because it is the current one) it feels like the hardest. All week I have been thinking that I should be laughing… and happy… and planning a ten-year anniversary ceremony. Instead, I have been working hard not to twist reality into something it isn’t… It isn’t a punishment from God… It is just the cycle of life. I have wanted to reach out for help but I feel like I’m asking for more than anyone can handle. After all, it’s been almost 3 years now… How long does this go on?

The reality is losing a spouse is harder than one might think. This is the person you committed to love and share every intimate detail of your life with. So many people equate it with divorce, but it’s not even close. I’ve been divorced. It was hard too, but this is different. There are no choices with death. Also, with death, the relationship isn’t what died – it is only the physical connection that is cut off… the love is still there.

This week I have felt like I am back at square one… back in limbo – going through the motions of life as if I am in a dream – no purpose, no point… Like wondering through a dark house with no one to answer when you call out.

Last year I did a pretty good job celebrating the love we knew and not focusing on the sadness of loss. This year I plan to do the same. I will take a beer and some roses to the beach where Bruce’s ashes were scattered and spend some time with him. Then, I have reservations at the restaurant where we celebrated our last anniversary together.

Bruce was so excited to have found this tiny eclectic restaurant. He wouldn’t tell me where we were going, just that he knew I would love it… and I did. I remember on the way home I asked him if we could celebrate the rest of our anniversaries there. “Of course,” he smiled back… “Every one… from now on.” Two months later he was gone, but I do… I have returned every year to celebrate the love we shared. And every year, the restaurant staff is more than gracious to accommodate me… And I will celebrate “us” every year… from now on.

I am a little sad tonight (a few tears), and I think I will be sad tomorrow but that’s okay. It’s okay to feel what I feel… it is normal to be sad, and I will be okay… Mainly because of a conversation I had a couple of days ago. Someone I know was sharing a loss they had just experienced and stated that the worse part was the confusion and frustration that comes from having no choices in what happened. I would agree… (When Bruce died, I felt so angry and frustrated. I remember I told my friends “don’t let me become a bitter, angry, old woman… that’s not who I am or who I want to be.”)

Long after our conversation had ended, it dawned on me that one of the biggest lessons I’ve learned since Bruce died was born out of the love that we shared. It was Bruce’s legacy, and it is this:

None of us gets to choose what life tosses our way.
Our choice is:
“Can I love more today than yesterday, not despite what has happened,
but because what has happened.”
~ Linda, November 2015

How do you manage your big days? I would love to hear from you… Please feel free to share your thoughts and experiences, too. To do so, go to the comments and leave a note.*

Who knows… you may hold the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love and Grief… Don’t look too far down the road

Alone
Alone… Is this a test?
I think I am failing.
I want to move past the sadness.
I want to find the blessings.
But every time I come back to
Being alone…
~ Linda, October 1, 2013

I have put off writing this week until the last minute (or what feels like the last minute). It’s not that I don’t know what to say… It’s that I have so much to say and I’m not sure how to say it in a way that makes sense.

This month starts a series of major days and holidays… all in a row – one on top of the next. It starts with Halloween, then moves to our anniversary, Thanksgiving, my birthday, Christmas, New Years and the anniversary of Bruce’s death.

Anyone who has grieved deeply knows how hard the holidays and big events can be when you find yourself alone… no longer able to share those days with the person you have shared your life with for so long. The next few months will be an emotional roller coaster as I go from one event to the next… all without Bruce… for the third time. (Yes, I am still counting.)

The first year I ignored as many of these as possible. It hurt too much to imagine celebrating anything without Bruce. So, I hid and let the world do its thing while I pretended not to notice. You might be surprised but it was actually pretty easy to do. The world starts getting very busy this time of year… Most people don’t really notice when you choose to disappear from the craziness. I’m not sure if that is a good or a bad thing, but it sure helped that first year.

Last year, (my second year alone) I wanted to try to join the world… at least with my kids and my grandson. So, I joined them for as many of these days as possible and spent the rest with friends. The problem for me was the timing of everything… As soon as I got past one event, I had to mentally prepare for the next… There wasn’t a chance to heal or even breathe in between.

It was a relief to be a part of everything and not be alone. However, when it was all done, I was emotionally drained. I later listened to a recording taken at the end of that time period, and I didn’t even sound coherent. I was a mess, but I had done it! I had survived!

Thankfully, time is a kind friend, and this year has brought more healing and a stronger me. At least I thought I was stronger… until this week…
This year as Halloween approaches and the holiday commercials start to air on TV, I am faced once again with an overwhelming relay of events. All week I have had that inner dialogue going… I’m sure you know what I mean…

In my self-development seminars or when coaching individuals, I discuss that inner dialogue… That angel and devil thing we laugh at in cartoons. Why do we laugh? Because we have all experienced it at one time or another. For most of us, though, it isn’t necessarily a temptation thing – a good or evil thing.

Usually it presents itself as one “voice” that sounds more like, “Why bother?” “What’s the point?” “You’ll never be able to do that.” In other words, it is self-defeating. It is based on our fears, negative emotions, and low energy. It is not based in reality. It does not build resilience nor does it move us forward. In fact, it is happiest if we stay where we are or even take a few steps back.

Then, there is the other, kinder “voice.” It is encouraging. It is not based on our fears but on our passions, goals and facts. It is healthy and nurturing. Its purpose is to build resilience and help us move forward… To encourage us to live life – even if it is just one small step at a time.

This week the dialogue battling within me has been one of dreading the upcoming months, while realizing that all I really need to do is take life one day at a time – no more. It is when I try looking too far down the road that I become intimidated and question my ability to make it through.

I remember right after Bruce died… The idea of spending the rest of my life without him – alone – seemed very intimidating. Most days I didn’t even want to try… that road ahead looked never ending. It took me a while to tune out that self-defeating voice and start listening to that kinder, gentler voice that encouraged me to take one small step and then another.

In my family, the women seem live quite a long time so I figure I have another 50+/- years to go… without him. That is a long time. It can be quite daunting when I dwell on it too long. I am learning not to look that far down the road. I am learning to just breathe and take it one day at a time.

I am learning…

That is what I have been telling myself this week. I am still learning. It’s okay if I have a hard day or stumble a little. But I can’t let myself dwell on the upcoming months and everything they entail… That will be too much. It will overwhelm me. It will feel too hard, and I will spiral down.

Other than only taking one small step at a time, I’m not sure yet how I am going to do it. However, I do know, for me, that will be the only way to do this.

Walk through your fears..
~ Linda, October 15, 2013

Because this is our community, please feel free to share your thoughts and experiences, too. To do so, go to the comments and leave a note.*

Who knows… you may hold the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love and Grief… A week of loss for all of us

“Suffering breaks our world like a tree struck by lightening – splintered, shaken, denuded – our world is broken by suffering, and we will never be the same again.”
~ Nathan Kollar

This week has actually been a good week for me personally. However, because it is life, there have been challenges. As I have watched the devastation in SC this week, (the place I call home), my heart has been broken. Years ago I lost everything material that I “owned.” However, my losses were due to my own choices in life… Choices of who to trust and/or who to allow control in my life. I had to take responsibility for those losses and learn from them.

My loss is completely different from what is happening in SC. These people are losing everything they own due to a natural disaster. The people of SC, including my family and friends, had no say in the matter. Their choices and goals quickly became all about survival… all about each other. Despite their personal losses, we have watched the people of SC reach out to each other unconditionally. Witnessing their resilience in the aftermath of such devastation has been amazing!

But that wasn’t all that was lost this week…

There have been 3 school shootings this week alone… Oregon, Arizona and Texas. Who can say why this has happened now and to these particular people? There are opinions, but no one really has an answer. The rest of us can only watch and wonder what is happening. I can’t help but cry as each time I see what we keep doing to each other.

Yes, I did mean to say “we keep doing to each other.” We are all connected to each other – like branches on a tree… that is why we all feel some sense of loss, as well. We all know, it could just as easily be any one of us. Someone we know or love could be the aggressor or the victim… We just don’t know.

According to the dictionary, sympathy means “I am able to feel sorry for you.” However, empathy means “I have been there – I understand.” Maybe I am wrong, but I can’t help but feel that those who have known loss before probably feel these events quite intensely, as well. The reaction is one of empathy… one of knowing due to experience. Maybe that is why I have cried… maybe that is why I have struggled this week even though it had nothing to do with my own loss… I still feel connected to these events.

I am sure that anyone old enough to understand the events of this week has also experienced loss of some kind. Maybe that is why we are all so stunned. It has been through our own experiences of love, happiness, loss and struggle that we learn.

And isn’t that what life is about… learning? It can simply be learning a better way to do things or learning how to be resilient. Then taking those lessons and using the best within us to reach out and help those around us. In other words, it is through these ups and downs that we are able, in times such as these to come together, reach outside our comfort zones and help someone else.

Today’s blog is not a political or religious message. It is a message about humanity. It is the reality that we are all connected to each other. If we choose to isolate ourselves or exclude others, then we cannot be our best… our strongest. We need to recognize that we are in this together.

We can argue the causes for the tragedies this week until the end of time. However, until we understand that all things and people are divinely created and the “connected-ness” of all creation to each other… Until we learn to live and treat each other with love and acceptance, we will continue to miss the point.

What is the point?

Our actions (whatever they are) are an open expression of our hearts. When that expression is love for each other, it becomes a completion of ourselves through honoring, nurturing, giving and sharing…

“Fill me with wonder and joy again, Father. Open my eyes to see your world as you want me to. Help me not to miss your fingerprints all over it.”
~ Virelle Kidder, Meet Me at the Well

Because this is OUR community, please feel free to share your thoughts and experiences, too. To do so, go to the comments and leave a note.*

Who knows… you may hold the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love and Grief… The other side

… Show me I’m not alone.
~ Linda, February 14, 2014

This week was a little bit unusual for me. Call it a lesson or a reminder – whatever you call it doesn’t matter. What matters is I needed it… I needed to be reminded what it is like to be on the other side of loss. The side that is looking on; the side that wants to be supportive but isn’t quite sure how.

At the beginning of the week a friend of mine lost her daughter. My heart broke for her as she dealt with all those crazy emotions that make up grief… all the while trying to be “brave” for everyone around her. Why do we try so hard to hide that pain? Why do we feel the need to “protect” the world from something we will all experience at some point in our lives?… I don’t know, but we do.

In an effort to say something, I found myself wanting to say all those cliches that drive me so crazy. I may have even said one or two before I caught myself. How ridiculous is that? After all this time, I know better… but so many of those phrases are so ingrained in us. After all, this is what we’re “supposed” to say, right? And I wanted so badly to lift her pain – to make her feel better.

I found myself trying to convince her to feel better before I started actually listening to myself. Then I shut up because I remembered… I remembered what is was like to lose little baby Matthew and what is was like to lose Bruce. I remembered that all I wanted was someone to let me feel whatever I was feeling with no judgement or words. Someone willing to just be there… Someone to just listen or hold me while I cried.

A few days later I came across a scene on my way to work that shook me to my core. My drive is about an hour on a two lane highway through the marsh. As I came around a bend in the road, I saw several police cars, the County Coroner and a small sedan with the back passenger door open – all parked on the side of the road. There was no apparent crash or people. “Weird,” I thought. Then I saw something laying on the side of the road. Then I saw three of them… bodies (not even covered to protect them from the rain).

I have no idea who these people were or what transpired there. All I know is I started to cry… I cried for the people laying there. I cried for their families. I cried for the policemen and the men working this scene. But mostly I cried for all of us… for this world that can’t seem to figure out how to live in peace with one another.

Then there was today… I spent today with two men – George and Bob. I was working as a volunteer at an event for homeless vets. While this event is intended for our homeless veterans, no one is turned away. It is a one day event in which the homeless from several counties are offered food and clothing. On top of that, our homeless vets are offered such services as health screenings, job placement and benefits counseling.

As our homeless enter the event, a volunteer escort greets them. We spend the day with these men and women. We eat meals with them and help them find the services they need but most important, we are their friend… We talk to them and listen to their stories.

The first year I volunteered, it was a few months after Bruce died. I found myself wanting to do something for someone else… I wanted to forget about my own loss and spend some time focusing on someone else. I went with the intention of helping them… of making a change in their world. But every year, I find that I am the one that is blessed. I always know in my soul that I have gained so much more than I have given.

Today when I met George, he barely talked at first. In fact, the first thing he said to me (that was audible) was “I hate women.” I was a little surprised but not insulted. I just smiled and told him that if he would like we could go back to the front and find a gentleman to walk with him instead. It would be fine – it was no problem. “No,” he said. “I think I might like you okay.” Then he paused for minute and said, “It’s people I don’t trust… I haven’t really talked to anyone in about 10 years… You seem okay though… Maybe I won’t mind talking to you.”

So we sat down to breakfast and I listened. I listened to George tell me his life story. A story of how he had gone from being a Navy man, husband and father of three “beautiful” boys to the man he is now – a man who lives in a tent way back in the woods… alone.

He doesn’t beg for money. (He was very adamant about that.) Instead, he goes early in the morning (before the rest of the world is awake) to find money that people have dropped in the parking lots of bars. He says he can find anywhere from $1 – $10 a day. “People are clumsy after they have been drinking,” he told me. “They reach in their pockets for their keys and never notice when money falls out, too. I can usually find enough to buy some food.”

He was so proud to share pictures of his tent and his friends. His tent is extremely tidy and furnished. (It was like something out of Swiss Family Robinson.) His friends are the racoons and the cats in the area. He has named all of them and described each one and their personality. We talked all morning and on through lunch before he was ready to go back home.

It was then that he insisted on giving me a gift – one of the new items he had received today. I kept trying to explain that I didn’t need it. “I know that,” he said. “But I want to give it to you anyway…” Then, very quietly, “It’s my way of thanking you if that’s okay.”

I feel so blessed this evening as I write this. I know without a doubt that George and Bob were in my life today for a purpose… a purpose they will never know. Isn’t it that way for all of us? We never know whose life we are touching or affecting.

Whether we are the ones dealing with loss and being supported or the ones trying to offer support, it doesn’t matter. What matters is showing each other we are not alone.

It is the relationships and people in our lives that matter and make life worth living. Even if our words or actions come out wrong or clumsy, it is better than doing nothing. As long as we never lose our connections to one another – our relationships with each other – we can learn to lean on each other, support one another and survive our losses.

Because this is our community, please feel free to share your thoughts and experiences, too. To do so, go to the comments and leave a note.*

Who knows… you may hold the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love and Grief… Dear friend,

This week’s blog is a letter written specifically to widows, widowers and people who are grieving…

Dear friend,

I am so sorry that you are reading this letter right now. Please know that in my heart, I am hugging you tight. I believe grief is one of the hardest things life throws at us, and so I know you must be hurting… that is normal. In fact, everything you are feeling is probably “normal.”

God, I hate that term… “normal.” Who’s to say what is “normal?”

Since most of us knew nothing about a “grief journey” until we were thrown onto it, I thought I would share a little bit from my perspective/experience. I may be ahead of you on this path or I may be behind you… or I may be right there beside you. It doesn’t really matter, because more than likely, wherever you are, something in this will ring true and you will get it.

There are a few things I want you to know before the rest of the world has you convinced you are crazy… People mean well, but for the most part, they have NO idea what you are going through or what you are feeling. They are only going by what they think they would do in your shoes… so don’t put too much stock in what they are telling you, especially if it just plain feels wrong. (Like I said, they mean well, but they have no idea.)

So to clarify – you aren’t crazy! You are vulnerable and your emotions are intense right now… but that doesn’t make you crazy. Take some comfort in knowing that whatever you are feeling is normal. In fact, some days your emotions may run the gamut and go through every extreme of what seems like every possible emotion… and that’s okay.

For the first week or more, you will probably just feel numb. It’s called shock. It is your body’s way of protecting you… what you are going through is so traumatic that your brain and body will only let you feel and remember the bare minimum. Months from now, people will tell you a story about what you said or did during this time and you probably will not remember it at all. That is okay… it is normal.

For the first few months, you will probably hear from everyone and their brother. (If you don’t feel like talking to them, that’s okay too.) They will make offers of help… Take them up on it. It may feel really strange but you will be glad you did. Be specific… If they say, “Let me know what you need.” Tell them! If they say, “Call me if you need anything.” Do it! I believe most people are genuine when they make the offer… they just have no idea what you need and they can’t read your mind – so tell them.

After about 3 – 4 months, you will notice people “dropping away.” Most of the people who have been checking in on you start to disappear from the scene. It is like clockwork, and every mourner I have spoken to has experienced it at about the same point. So here you are with the shock of this new life wearing off and the people who are still available are few.

Why does this happen? I am not sure but if I had to take a guess, I believe that most of them think you are doing okay, (after all, it’s been a few months), so they start to back off and go on with their lives. They have no idea that you are just starting to “feel” again and really need them now more than before.

At about this same time, you will also start to notice that some friends who you thought would be by your side no matter what, have disappeared almost completely off the radar. At the same time, new friends have appeared on the scene. These new friends were a God-send for me… they have been by my side throughout this whole ordeal as if we had been friends forever… If this is your experience, count on them. They are a blessing and a gift… They really are your true friends.

This may be hard, but don’t be too upset with the old friends… More than likely, they are scared (and fear does funny things to people). Watching you go through this ordeal makes death and loss all too real for them. More than likely they are going through their own emotional crisis about now and have no idea what to do or say… so they say nothing and back away.

As time passes, you will find that you have a lot of people who want to “fix” you. I can’t lie – this is extremely frustrating. The craziest part seems to be: while they have never experienced a loss like yours, they definitely believe they know how you should deal with it. For whatever reason, they seem to think they have all the answers for your grief.

The truth is – You are not broken. Therefore, you don’t need to be fixed. Grief is a sadness… a process… It isn’t something to be “fixed.” These people who want to “help” you by “fixing” you have no idea what they are saying or the affect it has. Just be patient and ignore as much as you can.

As for your loved one’s “stuff,” there is no hurry. Decide what you want to do with it today or do it next year – who cares? I will advise that when you are ready to go through it, grab a friend to sit with you and help you… There will be tears and stories that you will want to share.

If you want to keep a few things (or everything) – keep them. If you don’t, that is okay too. Want to give some items to family or friends? By all means – yes! A little caution here though… Do not give away anything until you are ready… Even if someone asks for something. Write it down so you will remember, but don’t let go of anything until you are ready. (There is no need to add resentment to your mountain of emotions.)

Your ring? What do you want to do? Wear it? Not wear it? Move it to the other hand? Wear it on a chain? Replace it with another ring to symbolize your life then (or now)? What about their ring?… So many questions and no answer. The truth is there is no protocol. You just need to follow your heart on this one, even if it changes over time. For me, I wore Bruce’s ring on a chain around my neck and kept mine on my left hand for the first 18 months. Then, I moved mine to the chain with his… and that is where they both are for now.

Dating?… Okay, I don’t know what to tell you except it is up to you. Some people start dating right away and others never do. I haven’t yet but can’t say I won’t. The troubling part for me has been that for whatever reason, people seem to equate dating with “finally being over the grief.” That seems ridiculous to me… I don’t see how the two are intertwined. The grief will always be a part of me; it isn’t something to “get over.”

Anyway… I have heard everything from “just find a toy” (that seems like a selfish concept to me) to “Bruce would want you to” (probably) to “If you do, it will be a dishonor to Bruce and your marriage.” (Seriously… how ridiculous does that sound!?) Goes to prove (once again) that the only person who knows what you should or shouldn’t do is you.

I could go on and on with things to expect or not expect. However, that list could go on forever (and then I would have nothing more to write in this blog). So, I will just add a few random items… One is a list of books that I found helpful. The other is a list of activities that I still find helpful.

Books that have meant a lot to me:
1. Healing After Loss by Martha Whitmore Hickman
2. Chicken Soup for the Soul: Miraculous Messages from Heaven by Canfield, Hansen, & Newmark
3. I Wasn’t Ready to Say Goodby by Noel & Blair
4. The Grief Recovery Handbook by James and Friedman
5. The Woman’s Comfort Book by Jennifer Louden
6. Healing a Spouse’s Grieving Heart by Alan D Wolfelt, PH.D.
7. The Artist’s Way Workbook by Julia Cameron
8. The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho

Activities that (did and still) help:
1. Plant and maintain a memorial garden.
2. Keep a journal
3. Paint
4. Create a scrapbook of all the emails and cards exchanged.
5. Write poetry
6. Travel
7. Keep a daily list of (at least 5) blessings.
8. Work out daily
9. Weekend Self-retreats
10. Sunrise beach walks
11. Meditate

There is so much more I want to say, but instead I will end with this…

You have probably noticed a central theme throughout this letter – No one has any idea what you need except you. You have value. You are normal.

No one else can make you feel anything unless you allow it, so don’t allow the negative from others to drive your self-worth. Be your own best advocate. Be strong, believe in yourself and trust your gut to know what you need to do or not do…

And most of all, know that you are not on this journey alone. There are a lot of us out here and we care…

Because this is our community, please feel free to share your thoughts and experiences, too. To do so, go to the comments and leave a note.*
Who knows… you may hold the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love and Grief… Losing it “all”

This week’s blog is another look at a different type of loss… material loss. This can involve varying degrees of loss… but like any other type – it is still loss… and it is still scary.

When my first marriage ended, my children and I literally ran away with nothing more than the clothes on our backs. Let me explain… I knew we needed to leave; I was making plans. I had seen an attorney, and was following her instructions concerning copies of documents I would need and eventually, finding a very public place to tell him I was leaving. (The more public, hopefully, the less explosive his reaction.)

However, life doesn’t always go according to plan and one morning things escalated too far. When the kids and I left for school that morning, I knew we weren’t coming back… I, also, knew I was walking away from the security of a home and the financial ability to provide for my children.

Things seem to have a way of falling into place or happening for a reason, because during the 3 years of divorce proceedings, God provided. My husband was deemed (by the court) unable to handle the finances, so I was put in charge of everything until an agreement was reached on how to split the property. During that time, the court gave me a budget which allowed me to provide for my kids, and we were also allowed to stay in the home… Both huge blessings that I never expected.

As I’ve mentioned before, in order to settle on an agreement, the majority of the money went to my ex-husband in exchange for my full and complete custody of the children. At the time, I wasn’t too worried. As long as we could sell our home, there would be enough money (if invested properly) to supplement my teaching income and create a livable wage.

However, even when I thought I had it all figured out, God had a dfferent plan. I invested the money with a “family friend” who almost immediately embezzled every dime. We lost it all… I found myself a single mother of four with nothing… Quite frquently I was choosing between putting food on the table or heating my home – choices that no one should ever have to make.

Jump ahead… with the support of people I love, I managed to start again and move ahead. I learned that I could do things I never would have dreamed I could do… and all because I had to – I did not see another choice.

Now I live in a small, quiet town. I love it here… Bruce and I built our home here. I feel drawn to this place, and my life here is peace-filled. But this town has seen some very tough economic times over the past few years. As a result, we have our homeless men, women and children living among us.

Many people don’t see them… as if they are just a part of the scenary as one moves past. But they are there… If you look closely, they are at the gas stations, in front of our stores, on the exit ramps from the highway and in many cases, living in the woods.

They are people… And at one time, they were our neighbors. They, too, lost it all but their story (so far) is without a happy ending. At the time Bruce died, in this area, there were over 600,000 homeless men, women and children. Of that number, 1/4 are children. As I write this, recent research shows that 1 out of 4 children in our state are homeless… That is staggering!

But this is not a political speech or a sermon. I just want people to understand how easily and quickly people can find themselves without…. without food, without a home… without anything. I know because (as I just explained), I was almost there as well. So many times I think, “There but for the grace of God, go I….” *

These thoughts are brought home to me every year in an event called “Stand Down.” This event takes place yearly around the country, and in our town is sponsored by the Disabled American Veterans (DAV) . It is intended for our homeless veterans but no one is turned away. It is a one day event in which the homeless from several counties are offered food and clothing. On top of that, our homeless vets are offered such services as health screenings and benefits counseling.

The best part of the day (for me) is volunteering to be an escort for the day. I originally volunteered because I felt so blessed to have (barely) escaped this same fate so I wanted to give back. However, what I have learned and taken away spiritually is so much more.

As the homeless come into the center, an escort greets them. We spend the day with them… we eat meals with them, help them find what they need but most important, we are their friend… We talk to them and listen to their stories (which, but the way, are eerily familiar).

Originally, I went with the intention of helping them… of making a change in their world. But I find that I have gained so much more than I have given. I have learned so much from these people…

We might say these people have “lost it all.” But have they? I have learned the true strength of the human soul and find myself wondering if I could be half as brave as these individuals if I had ended up in their shoes. For years, I have watched these people take only what they absolutely need no matter how much is offered. I have watched them share with each other without hesitation or resentment.

I have learned that they are smart, funny, kind, brilliant, humble, and courageous… they are human… and they are us… all of us…

I guess what I am trying to say is through all of this, I have learned a few things about “losing it all”… Stuff is stuff; it comes and goes and can be replaced again. But it is the relationships and people in our lives that matter and make life worth living. So, as long as we never lose our human connections and relationships with each other, we really haven’t “lost it all.”

* Credited to John Bradford

I Met a Man
I met a man without a home
And yet, he smiled.
He looked me in the eye
And shook my hand.
He did not ask for anything –
Yet he needed everything.
He did not complain –
But I wouldn’t have blamed him.
Could I have done the same?
We talked and laughed
And spent the day together.
My goal had been to help him.
But when the day was over,
I was the one who had been changed.
I was the one who had been blessed.
And all because,
I met a man without a home.

~ Linda, September 21, 2013

Because this is OUR community, please feel free to share your thoughts and experiences, too. To do so, go to the comments and leave a note.*

Who knows… you may hold the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love and Grief… Please, don’t say that

Do Not Tell Me
Do not tell me how to feel;
my feelings are my own.
Do not tell me to stop my grief;
my grief is my own.
Do not tell me what Bruce would want me to do;
Bruce was my own.
He was my love…
and still is.
My pain is here and always will be.
There is no end to our love,
and there is no end to the pain.
~ Linda, January 20, 2015

A couple of months ago, I wrote about how some people will compare grief and loss between people who are grieving in the belief that they are offering comfort in some way… but it’s not comforting. In response to that blog, I have had several people respond that they, too, have encountered that same conversation on more than one occasion (with the same effect).

I mentioned in that same blog that there are other things that have been said that also have the same effect. That is my topic this week… another “please don’t.” By writing this, I don’t want to sound angry or bitter (because I’m not). I do want people to understand that some “standard phrases” that are commonly used when dealing with mourners are actually hurtful. But if we don’t say anything, how will others know?

Another phrase that I have a hard time hearing is “Bruce would want you to…” or “Bruce wouldn’t want you to…” Don’t get me wrong, when I hear this from someone who knew Bruce and loved him, that is fine… In fact, I will listen to what they have to say. (I may not do what they say, but I will listen and consider it.)

What I am referring to today is different. I am referring to someone who either barely knew Bruce or (even more frustrating) did not know him at all. How could someone who did not know him possibly begin to tell me what Bruce would want or not want? I realize that what they are really telling me is their own opinion… what they think I should do.

But they don’t stop there. Instead, they attempt to give their opinion more “authority” by using Bruce’s name. I appreciate their concern. However, by using the emotion attached to Bruce’s name it feels extremely disrespectful… It feels manipulative… It feels completely wrong.

The first year, I would get very upset but I wouldn’t say anything. I was struggling with so many emotions, but I wanted to be polite. So… I would let the conversation continue. However, somewhere in the second year, I started to turn my thought process around.

I began to look deeper into what was being said, and I began to realize that people meant well… They just didn’t know any better. Perhaps, they hadn’t really thought it through. So, what I am trying to achieve today is an understanding of why this particular phrase should be limited to the people who really knew and loved the deceased.

For example…

Earlier this year a childhood friend stopped by while passing through town. We spent some time together reminiscing and talking about what has transpired for each of us since we were children. During our conversation, he asked about losing Bruce and what life was like now. I honestly don’t mind talking about it, so I shared my thoughts, experiences and frustrations. I mentioned the fact that people say things without realizing how hurtful it is. At that point, he told that if he were to do that, he wanted me to be honest enough to tell him.

A few days later, on the anniversary of Bruce’s death, he called to express his condolences for the day and to ask how my girls and I had spent the day. During the brief conversation, he made a comment that “this would be the year Bruce would want me to move on.”

REALLY? I had not seen this person since I was a teenager… He never even met Bruce. How could he say that? What could he possibly know about Bruce and what he might want? Since I had been given permission, I was honest and spoke up (for the first time ever). “Please don’t say that,” I said. “It really bothers me. You never knew him… You can’t know what he would or wouldn’t want.” He apologized and said he understood. To be honest, I don’t know if he really understood or not. I hope he did.

For me, that was a hard step. It felt really awkward to ask someone not to say something. It felt rude even though they had told me to do exactly that. Since that day, I have had this conversation with only a few people… only those who have given me permission to say something. I won’t correct just anyone. However, when those phrases are used by someone who shouldn’t, a wall of defense automatically goes up… I can’t help it. I will get quiet and try to end the conversation. In that moment, all I want to do is get away.

On the other hand, when I am with my kids, it is not uncommon to hear the phrase “Bruce would want ____” several times a day (from all of us). It is just a natural part of the conversation. And believe it or not, I am perfectly okay with that.

Why? Because they knew him. That is the only difference but it is one that matters. They knew him, spent time with him and loved him. Their opinion of what he might or might not want is completely valid… so I listen. I may or may not agree, but I am not offended. Instead, I am grateful for their loving honesty.

So here is the bottom line… When it comes to telling someone what their loved one would or would not want:

⦁ FIRST ask yourself, “Did I know that person?”
⦁ And “Did I know them well enough to know what they would or wouldn’t want?”
⦁ If the answer to BOTH of these questions is “yes”,
⦁ AND your relationship with the mourner is good and solid,
⦁ THEN… PERHAPS, it is okay to say it.
⦁ However, if the answer to ANY of these is “no”, then… “Please, don’t say that.”

Because this is OUR community, please feel free to share your thoughts and experiences, too. To do so, go to the comments and leave a note.*

Who knows… you may hold the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love and Grief… We all have those days

Happiness is a daily choice…
Some days I am better at it than others.
~ Linda, January 26, 2015

Let me start by saying, “Yes, I am well aware that last week’s blog sounded like a pity party.” It was! I admit it… I even knew it when I posted it, but I posted it anyway. Why? Because it was real… And because if this blog is an honest look at how I deal with loss (my grief journey), then it needs to include the good and the bad. I have to be honest about those days when I can keep my attitude in check and those days when I don’t.

Yes, I was feeling sorry for myself, but whether you are grieving or not, most of us have days just like that. That is not a phenomenon only relevant to those grieving. We’ve all been there at some point. Therefore, it shouldn’t be hard to empathize when we see someone else going down that road.

Last week, I was very tempted to change the blog entirely and write it as if I had handled the day well, remained positive and had a “life lesson” for the world. I laugh though, because that would have been false. In fact, since it wouldn’t have been genuine, it may have sounded a bit preachy. (Yuck!) But worst of all, if I were not honest, someone else who was having a “feel-sorry-for-myself” kind of day might have felt they were wrong or unusual. That would go directly against what I hope to achieve with this blog… an understanding that feelings are feelings. They are neither right nor wrong. It is what you do with them that makes a difference in your life.

I guess I could be embarrassed about what I felt last week, but I feel that it is something we have all felt at one time or another – loss or no loss. I’m glad I simply put it out there, and I’m thankful for the people who contacted me and said they “got it” – they have had days just like that, too.

This is one way where a grief journey isn’t so different from any other journey. We all have challenges. We all have bumps in the road. Sometimes we can maneuver around them or gently roll over them without a problem, and other times they knock us to the other side of the road. There is no “wrong” on this journey… it is about doing the best you can day to day – moment to moment. Sometimes that isn’t a pretty picture – but it’s real.

After 2+ years of missing Bruce, I wish I had it all figured out. I wish I could say I am okay with my life every moment of every day… but I can’t… because I’m not. Who could? We all have frustrations and no one needs the added pressure of feigning perfection.

So what do you do with a day like that? Here’s a thought… “pity party” days are not healthy or positive, but they are normal. The trick lies in:

1. Recognizing it for what it is. It is a bad moment in time, but it doesn’t have to determine what comes next.

2.Not blaming anyone else for what you are feeling. No one controls your feelings but you. Someone may say or do something that affects you but you get to decide what to do with that.

And

3. Making the choice to get back on your feet and move past it. I know, it’s not as simple as it sounds but it is truly your choice and no one else’s.

Don’t get me wrong, I have days when I get to the end and I am proud of how I have handled my day. But I also have days when I look back and think, “Well, that wasn’t my best… but tomorrow is a new day.” I look at it this way – just the fact that I can recognize when I fall down, is a success… Because once I recognize it, I can start to pull out of it.

My point this week?

No matter what your path, we are not so different. We have more in common than we might care to acknowledge. No one has all the answers and that is more than okay with me. I want to be the best “me” possible – I strive for that. But I find it comforting to know I can learn to accept myself – warts and all. And deep down, I realize I like me… and I’m worth the work.

Furthermore, this week’s blog is not just for people dealing with physical loss. This week’s loss is more about losing your own perspective of yourself and the power within each of us to choose our attitude in each moment of each day.

Because this is OUR community, please feel free to share your thoughts and experiences, too. To do so, go to the comments and leave a note.*

Who knows… you may hold the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief