Peace, Love and Grief… Dealing with the criticism (part 2)

Last week we started looking at criticism. As I said then, this was one of the first things I experienced on my grief journey, and the idea that anyone would criticize someone when they are already in such pain really threw me for a loop. Initially, I took the criticism in and let it become a part of me. However, within the first year I learned three things that still help me whenever I feel criticized or judged. (Please see last week’s blog for more details on these points.)

1. Believe in myself.
2. Recognize where the criticism is coming from and if respect is a factor.
3. Remember this is my life and no one else’s.

These have become the foundation for what I want to share today… What I learned in years two and three…

During the second year, I started listening to an incredible, motivational and spiritual speaker and author, Dr. Wayne Dyer. If you have never listened to or read his works, I highly suggest doing so. He spoke quite often on how to handle criticism by leaving it behind.

Two of the points he makes have become mantras for me whenever the feedback or criticism I encounter feels disrespectful. The first one is a reminder that what others think of me is none of my business. This one is huge… And it has just enough humor in it to remind me to laugh when I may be on the verge of tears.

The second point states, “When you judge another, you do not define them, you define yourself.” For me this one is important to keep in mind, no matter which side of the feedback or criticism I find myself (and we have all been on both sides). While there is a need and place for respectful feedback, this is a reminder that judgement is never valid because it actually speaks volumes about the person giving it rather than the the person being judged.

Throughout my second year (and beyond), these have become my core mantras whenever I find myself inclined to take the criticism into myself and make it a part of myself. Instead, I remind myself of the fact that just because someone says something does not make it true. My job is to look for respect in their words. If it isn’t there, I can move on without batting an eye. If it is there, then I can look a little deeper to see if what is being said matches what I am seeking to accomplish in this life. From there, I can dig deep and make adjustments, if needed. If not, I move on – no problems… no worries.

While I have read Rob Bell’s books before, year three found me actually studying more and more of what he has to say. I also found myself listening to many of his sermons, podcasts and videos. He is someone who by merely questioning mainstream religious thought became a target of a lot of criticism. However, it never stopped him from doing what he feels drawn to do…

I laugh as he compares criticism to paper cuts and Nerf bullets. That visual has helped me so many times when I find myself on the receiving end… It helps me to simply smile as I move on. In fact, some of his best advice is to do exacty that:
“Ignore the criticism – do what you’re meant to do… and then just keep doing it.”

This was really an extension of year two, so once I had that down pat, I felt another challenge by his words. He, also. states, “Have a thick skin and a soft heart.” The “thick skin” he refers to means I do not take it in and make it a part of myself if it doesn’t belong there… I understood that part in year one. But the second part about having a “soft heart” proved to be harder. At first, I wasn’t quite sure what he meant. Then, I heard him explain, “Do not defend yourself… look for the question behind the question. What else is ‘in the room?'”

In other words, if what someone says in judgement is really more about them, then what is that? What is really going on inside their heart? And… What can I do to help them? Now that is a challenge!

This final thought from Wayne Dyer has really helped me pull it all together so that I can live it day to day. “That which offends you only weakens you. Being offended creates the same destructive energy that offended you in the first place – so transcend your ego and stay in peace.”

In other words, stop looking for reasons to be offended. Besides being a huge waste of energy, concentrating on the details of the criticism only seeks to find validity where there is none. Instead, if I respond with peace, grace and love… and then simply keep doing what I am meant to do, life works much better… for all of us…

This is what I meant a few weeks ago when I said the divine energy within each of us can become a divine reality for someone else by simply being the love and acceptance we are seeking from the world around us.

Shalom, my friends!

Polish your heart
so that it reflects
God’s Love
to the world around you.
~ Linda, February 2016

What about you? Did you struggle with criticism or judgement after your loss? How did you come to terms with it? Would you be willing to share your story or your thoughts?

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Dealing with the criticism (part 1)

I am me.
I am the only me that will ever be.
God made me to be unique.
This is my life –
a gift just for me from God.
No one else can live it.
No one else really knows how I should live it.
God will show me.
God will be patient and guide my steps.
I am me.
I want to live the unique life God intended for me…
A unique gift…
for me…
from God.
~ Linda, Sept. 2013

One of the first things I experienced on this grief journey that threw me for a loop was the number of people who felt the need to tell me how to live… and (in my perception) criticized me when I didn’t do things their way.

Let me back up though… This experience really does have two sides, and we have all experienced both sides. When we are on the “giving” side we call it “giving sound advice,” or “providing feedback.” We mean well, and we believe we are “being helpful.” However, when we are on the “receiving” end and did not ask for the “helpful advice or feedback,” we call it critism or judgement… and many times, it does not feel good.

In fact, at the beginning of this journey, this unsolicited advice and opinions actually made me feel worse. I found that for every piece of advice telling me to do “this,” there was someone else telling me to do “that.” Sometimes I didn’t know what I wanted and other times I knew exactly what I wanted… and the funny part is, usually it wasn’t “this” or “that.”

With that in mind, you can understand that what I perceived fairly quickly was – I couldn’t win no matter what I did, so I might as well do it my way. This was fine, but it didn’t stop the hurt. In my heart, I knew I needed to do something more.

When it comes to the details of what was said to me, I have no intention of making a list here. That is not important in this discussion. What is important is how I have learned to deal with the criticism… and that journey has been a long one.

The First Year

I’ve always hated conflict. So did Bruce… Because of that, we rarely argued. (I’m not saying this was good or bad; it is just the way it was.) As a consequesnce, I didn’t know how to navigate this new conflict in my life. I wasn’t really sure what to do with it or how to handle it.

One of the first things I had to learn to do was to distingush why some opinions mattered more to me than others. I found that it really boiled down to the relationship… did it come from someone I love, a casual friendship or merely an acquaintance?

While I’ve really never been one to bow to peer pressure, up until this time, I had always erred on the side of being a “pleaser” with those closest to me. They mattered to me… Their opinions mattered to me. Therefore, their opinions and words had a lot more impact, either positive or negative.

One of the first things I had to learn to do was to start believing in myself.

According to research, most “pleasers” tend to have a lower self-esteem. I’m not using that as an excuse. In fact, at first I didn’t really believe it. However, once I actually started “peeling the onion,” I realized I had some work to do within myself.

While I knew that my first marriage had left me doubting my self-worth and value, my marriage to Bruce had been just the opposite. He had done so much to build me up. I had become so much stronger during our time together. What I had failed to realize, though, was my self-esteem and value were now just as tightly wrapped up in what Bruce thought of me. Suddenly, without him there to keep reaffirming that, I felt lost… Because my strength and value were not coming from my core, there I was doubting myself and my own value once again.

My first step that first year was to start re-shaping and believing in my own opinion of myself. I am not talking about conceit or ego. I am referring to an understanding of the fact that God created me and loves me just as I am in this moment… If He can do that, I need to be willing to do the same. To help me accomplish this, I started an affirmation board.

I called these my “Intentions,” because it was my intention to start believing in myself without anyone else’s validation. Everytime I had a positive thought or ran across an affirming quote I would add it to the poster… I still do. In fact, it hangs in my bathroom where I can see it in the mirror as I get dressed each morning… On days when I am feeling down about myself, I read through it and remind myself that with or without Bruce, no matter what anyone else says or thinks… I have value, and I am a beloved child of God.

intentions

The next thing I had to learn that year was to distinguish where those opinions and advice were coming from… Were these words being spoken out of love and kindness? Or was it something else? While I can never know someone else’s intent, I do know if what they are saying feels respectful or not. When there is respect, I do not feel threatened or belittled. I don’t feel “shut-down” or a need to defend myself. Instead, I feel safe to discuss the topic.

So, respect became my distinguishing factor.

Was the other person respectful of my situation? My grief? Me? If the answers to these questions are “yes,” then I know I need to consider what is being said. Ultimately though, whether I agree or not is up to me… and the other person, if they are truly respectful, will be okay with that, too.

The last thing I came to understand that first year was the idea that this is my life… no one else’s.

Everyone around me may have an opinion on what they believe I should or should not do, but when all is said and done, I am the only one that will know in my gut and in my soul what is right for me… and that is the path I must take.

How do I know what that path is? This may seem over-simplified, but I ask myself two basic questions… 1. Am I at peace with this? And 2. Does this bring me joy?

When I can answer yes to these two questions, odds are I am on the right path for me.

That first year I learned to have faith and confidence in myself, to distinguish between loving words and unkind criticism and that peace and joy are indicators that I am on the right path for me. That was huge for me! I never would have thought that learning to love and accept myself would be such a huge part of my grief journey, but it has been.

In fact, I have come to understand that in every trial there is a lesson to be learned if I am open to it, because growth doesn’t happen when things are easy…

Growth happens when things get tough, and we have to stretch in order to keep moving forward.

Today, I have shared my first steps for dealing with criticism. Each year, I have gained more insight into dealing with the criticism I felt so intensely on my grief journey. Next week (God willing), I will share a little bit more in Part 2.

What about you? Did you struggle with criticism or judgement after your loss? How did you come to terms with it? Would you be willing to share your story or your thoughts?

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences, go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog. For daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… When the ground falls out from under you

This week I was watching the movie, Pompeii, as I ran on my treadmill. Near the beginning, there is a scene in which a man is riding a horse alongside what appears to be a river’s edge when the horse becomes skittish. The man pauses and looks around to see what is causing the horse’s fear. Suddenly the horse rears back, the man is tossed to the round and the horse runs away. The man gets up to chase after the horse, when the ground around him starts to shake and split apart. Just as he realizes what is happening… in that breath of a moment… the ground falls out from under him, and the chasm where he has fallen is immediately filled with water from the river. In the following scene, the horse returns to the gates of the owner’s villa without his rider. The people inside are puzzled… no one understands what has happened to the man, but no one goes looking. Instead, they go back to their business and life at hand, as the movie continues.

Although I have watched this scene many times before, this time it hit me… this is what loss feels like. One minute you are standing on solid ground, (you may or may not have a sense that something isn’t quite right), and the next minute the grounds falls out from under you. Within “seconds” you are drowning in a flood of grief and emotions. The rest of world may wonder what has happened to you, but very soon they return to their own lives.

It is a strange experience… to watch the world go back to their “normal lives” while your world is in upheaval. Everything you thought you knew or could count on is either gone or completely different. Your “normal” is gone. You can never return to life as it was. This is what the world calls a grief journey… This what you are told is your “new normal.”

I spent the entire first year raging against this “new normal.” I felt such a range of emotions. I felt abandoned by God… Bruce… everyone around me. I was jealous of the people whose lives were untouched in my eyes. I felt alone despite the people trying to support me. In other words, I felt a whole gamut of emotions, and while I would deny it to anyone who asked at the time, anger was the unlying emotion to it all.

The second year didn’t fare much better with one exception. I was learning that I had a choice in how I responded to my own emotions. In other words, my emotions were normal and valid. (A person feels what they feel.) However, how I acted on those emotions, aka – my attitude, was up to me… it was my choice.

At first, I was quite resistant to this idea. I could come up with excuse after excuse to explain why my emotions were valid and therefore, my attitude was too. But, thankfully, there were (and still are) people in my life who refused to watch me drown.

I worked intensely with a coach who had unlimited empathy but who wasn’t scared to ask me the tough questions. She didn’t mind making me mad now and again in order to help me move forward in a more positive direction. I, also, found myself reading the books and listening to the speakers that had driven Bruce’s peaceful attitude toward life and people. And finally, out of my anger toward God, I went on my own search and found the answers to my own spiritual and faith questions.

Like turning the Titanic, I slowly began to make the changes needed in my own atttitude to turn my world around. Finally last fall, I had one of those epiphany moments when I realized two major things about my attitude: 1. It is completely my own… My attitude is my choice. 2. This meant my attitude does not need to be a result of my circumstances. I can choose to make it a result of the peace, love and joy in my heart.

Like any journey, this epiphany opened the way for more growth… I came to understand that peace, love, joy and my own happiness do not come from other people or the circumstances surrounding me. Instead, I have to find these within myself.

I have had to dig deep. I have learned to separate the truth and facts from the fictious, negative stories my inner voice loves to convince me are real. This has enabled me to stop playing the “victim” in my own story, and become the victor instead.

While there are many people I have studied and read over the last few years, I believe Wayne Dyer put it most succinctly when he said,…

“Be in a state of gratitude for everything that shows up in your life. Be thankful for the storms as well as the smooth sailing. What is the lesson or gift in what you are experiencing right now? Find your joy not in what’s missing in your life but in how you can serve.”

What about you? Did you or have you struggled with living your life with happiness and joy after your loss? How did you come to terms with it? Or do you still need support in that area? Would you be willing to share your story or your thoughts?

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… The Common Denominator

I have been writing this blog now for 69 weeks. I have shared my stories of loss, lessons I am learning, thoughts, feelings, emotions, things I’m proud of and things I’m not… all of it. I have shared my struggles over the loss of a child, my divorce and the loss of that relationship, and investing and losing all of my money at one point… But mostly, I write about the loss of my soulmate, Bruce.

Why have I shared stories about all of those situations instead of just sticking with my grief from losing Bruce? Because Peace, Love and Grief was established as a support for those dealing with loss… any type of loss… And most of us have dealt with some type of loss in our lives. On this site, that is our common ground… our connection point.

There is also a common denominator within all loss… any loss… and that common factor is fear. Fear of the future, fear of what this loss will mean,fear of how our lives will change. Just like an earthquake – there is the initial quake which brings the biggest blow and the most damage. Then there are the after shocks – the smaller rumblings that bring about more damage and more pain.

One of those aftershocks, the fear of what the future will hold can quickly become completely debilitating.

I can remember the day I lost my baby boy. I went into labor too early, and he was born stillborn. I was in such shock… In addition to the absolute pain of losing this precious child, the fear of how this woud affect my life and those around me was tremendous. I remember being scared that I might never hold a child of my own. Or that my family and spouse would not be able to love me still because I “had failed” in some way which cost us all this precious, little life.

I remember going through my divorce. Divorc, aka – the death of that relationship, is hard. But it was what lay ahead that left me absolutely terrified. I had no idea how I would provide for my children… my job at that time did not pay enough for one person, let alone five. I had no idea where we would live or if I had the strength to make it on my own. I was so terrified of the “what if’s,” I barely ate or slept. I was firmly in the grip of fear with no idea how to get onto solid ground.

I will always remember the day I learned my money had been invested in a ponzi scheme, and I had lost everything. Once again I found myself reeling from the shock of such a blow and terrified of the ramifications that would follow. There were days when I had to choose between paying the electric bill or putting food on the table. I knew eventually we would lose our home, which was scary enough. But my biggest fear was how to keep my family together… I knew I could handle losing any thing but not my kids. Once again I found myself caught in the grip of fear, terrifed of the “what if’s” that played out in my head.

When Bruce died, the fear seemed to grip me immediately… There were so many areas of our life together that were “his” and now would be “mine.” How could I even walk through the doors of this house and not find him waiting inside?… How could I pack away his things?… Or celebrate a holiday? Or travel?… But my biggest “what if” was – How would I ever manage life without him by my side?

As time has passed, I have had many opportunities to stand beside others going through loss… I see the fear in their eyes and listen to the “what if’s” that are driving that fear. I cry for them, and I cry with them. The truth is when we go through a loss we are in shock… Our world is turned upside down, and we have to find our bearings. But then the aftershock effects of the first loss hit and there is more pain and more fear.

I used to say it felt like the rug had been pulled out from under me. Then, each time I felt I was almost back on my feet, the rug would get pulled out again.

The fear is real… the aftershocks are real… there are domino effects to loss. We can’t predict them. Instead, we learn to hold on tight and face each one as it comes.

But we as we tiptoe our way through this minefield, we need to remember a few things…

Research shows that only 8% of what we worry about ever comes to fruition. Therefore, those “What if’s” are a huge waste of energy and are not helpful at all.

Where there is fear, love and joy cannot exist… But love and joy are vital. These are the very things that make life worthwhile.

Finally, as I said last week, whatever path we are on, someone else has gone before us. Therefore, we don’t have to do it alone…

What about you? Did you or have you struggled with fear after your loss? How did you come to terms with it? Or do you still need support in that area? Would you be willing to share your story or your thoughts?

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Yes, and…

I think one of the hardest parts of grieving is the constant feeling of being judged. I know… I’ve talked about this several times before but only because it IS such a constant phenomenon. There seems to be so many people are SO sure they would do things “different,” (aka – “better”). In fact when this whole thing started, I think I even had that same thought process… I was determined… I would to go to a support group, “get better,” and learn to be a “good widow.” HA! What a load of craziness!

At about the 9 – 10 month point, I remember having a conversation with someone that went something like this…

Them: How are you doing this week?

Me: Okay… trying to get get through each day… still really sad and angry. It’s just still so hard to believe this is all real. I just don’t want to accept it.

Them: How about Bruce’s Mom? How is she?

Me: About the same… She is trying, but she is really hurting.

Silence.

Me: She lost her son… that’s not the natural order of things… I think she is struggling… I think she is still deeply grieving. Who could blame her?

Them: Humph… Well,… you two need to remember that you are not the first people to lose a husband or a son. (All the while, this person’s spouse is sitting right beside them and all of their children are alive and well.)

At the time I was so offended by the callousness of those words, I had to end the conversation or risk being rude. Since that day, I have recalled those words many times, and they have always managed to hit me wrong… up until this week.

This week I had one of those moments when I could say, “Yes… and…”

What is “Yes,and?” It is method I have used in meetings and training sessions when I want participants to feel comfortable offering ideas without worry of being made to feel dumb or silly.

It works like this – Whenever someone puts an idea “on the table,” whether the next person agrees or not, they are not allowed to judge or critique the previous idea. Instead, they may only add their idea to “the pile” by saying, “Yes, and… (fill in with another idea.)”

This has always been a great way to get a lot of thoughts and opinions out in the open without confrontation. Then, once all the ideas have been “safely” offered, the real conversation can begin as we add and mix all the ideas and come up with the best solution available… And all because a “safety zone” was created around the initial communication of ideas.

I can’t remember exactly what I was listening to when it hit me, but suddenly I realized…

I can still end any conversation if that is necessary. However, instead of being angry or frustrated when people say things that are hurtful, what if, instead, I responded in my heart with, “Yes and… (fill in with the reality and ideas).”

So right now… today… I want to go back to that conversation and turn it around. In my heart, I can hear it this way now…

Them: Humph… Well,… you two need to remember that you are not the first people to lose a husband or a son. (All the while, this person’s spouse is sitting right beside them and all of their children are alive and well.)

Me: Yes, that is true… and because I am not the only one, I can now (3 years later) offer to walk beside someone who is new on this journey. Someone who is hurting, or lost, or angry… Whatever they are feeling, I am now able to come along beside them, either physically or by way of this blog and say, “I am here too. You are not alone. Let me walk beside you. Let me offer you comfort in knowing that you are not alone and together we can figure this out.”

Yes, and trust me when I say…

There is a peace that comes with acceptance,
And a love that is always remembered.
Linda, Sept. 2013

Yes, and… What about you? Are you struggling on this journey? Looking for another soul to walk beside you? OR are you at a point where you are ready to come along and walk beside another?

This is our virtual community. Let us reach out to another. Let us offer the support we know is needed on this journey… Let us not leave anyone to do this alone when there are so many of us out there.

To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities.

Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… To celebrate or not to celebrate

This past week would have been Bruce’s 56th birthday. Because I didn’t want to cry at the office and I wasn’t sure how emotional I would feel, I made plans to work from home. (After 3 years, most people have either forgotten or don’t know about Bruce so it can just get real weird real fast if I have to explain.) Also, I wasn’t quite sure what I wanted to do… I only knew I wanted to do something to celebrate his life.

When I mentioned to some of my friends that I would not be at work the next day and why, one asked, “Are you sure? Celebrating Bruce?… Is that healthy?”

It’s strange – in that moment I realized just how far I have actually come on this journey. A year ago, that question would have frustrated me to no end. Now, I recognize it for what it is… a sincere, caring person who honestly doesn’t know and is only asking – not judging. I’ve learned not be offended when people question what I do these days. In fact, I actually thought about it for a moment, considered his question honestly and then responsed, “Yes. For me, it is very healthy.”

I wasn’t on this journey very long before I realized that each person is different. For some of us, celebrating and remembering our loved ones on special days is vital to our grieving process. For others it may be a day filled with nothing but sadness and grief. And for just as many others, they feel it is best to pick up and move on without looking back. None of these are wrong… It just depends on who you are, where you are on your journey and what you need to do… Then you just need to do it, and pay no attention to what the rest of the world says or thinks.

The first year, Bruce’s birthday was just a few months after he had passed away. That year on his birthday, his family and mine gathered together. We held his memorial and scattered his ashes in the ocean off the beach. That spot at the beach is so special to me now… I spend a lot of time there. On special occasions, such as his birthday, I always bring something to commemorate the occasion. So I knew I would spend time at “our spot” on the beach – that would be the main objective and destination for my celebration.

When I awoke, my first thoughts were “Thank you, God. Thank you for Bruce’s life and how it changed mine. Thank you for walking beside me today and giving me the strength to keep on going.” Those are sincere words, but I won’t lie… I had several tear-filled moments throughout the day. I miss him. But I also knew that I could either spend the day wallowing in grief and sadness and make the day all about me. OR… I could allow myself the tears within reason but dedicate the day to celebrating the man who changed my world. (I have learned, celebrating is the healthier choice for me.)

The day was beautiful – blue skies, a nice breeze and 80 degree weather. It was just high tide as I made my way to the beach. Since it was the middle of the week, the beach was almost completely void of people. The privacy afforded by the empty dunes was wonderful. I could talk to Bruce, sing, cry, shout… whatever… no one was close enough to even notice. I brought a couple of Cannoli Rum shots for a toast – one for me and one for Bruce. : ) I also brought a birthday cupcake to “share.” I spent the next several hours on the beach – relaxing some, walking some, but always reminiscing – stories that made me laugh or cry… or both.

happybirthday2016

Once I returned home, I poured a glass of wine, put on “our song” and spent the evening looking at photo albums, starting from Bruce’s birth up through a few weeks before he passed. I pulled out old notes and cards – reading the messages and remembering the precious memories surrounding each one.

All in all it was a beautiful day filled with laughter, tears and sweet, sweet memories. So the question was, “Are you sure? Celebrating Bruce? Is that healthy?” I still say, “Yes.”

Why? Because I want him to know he is not forgotten… And I want to do something to let the world know he was here… But the main reason I celebrate is because…

The end of the story is never the end of the story… Bruce’s legacy of love and kindness will continue to live on in those of us who knew him…

And I want to celebrate that!

What about you? Do you still celebrate your loved one in some way? It may be something simple or it may be something grand… Would you be willing to share it with us?

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… For our friends and family

Did you know… 800,000 people are widowed each year?

Did you know… 700,000 of those are women?

Did you know… most widows live in poverty? (Over 115 million world wide)

Did you know… for the past thirty or more years the rate of poverty among elderly widows is consistently three to four times higher than elderly married women.

Did you know… “death of a spouse” is listed as the #1 stressor on the stress index scale and is considered one of life’s most devastating events?

Did you know… 60% of those who lose a spouse or significant other will experience a serious illness within 12 months?

Did you know… insomnia is one of the most common symptoms for a grieving spouse?

Did you know… if a man survives his 50s, he will likely live to “old age?”

Did you know… The average age of widowhood is 55, and 75 percent of women will be widowed by age 56?

Did you know… most widow(er)s lose 75% of their support base when their spouse dies?

Did you know… after 3 – 4 months most of the remaining support fades for a widow(er)?

Did you know… most widow(er)s lose touch with their in-laws within a year of a loss?

Did you know… scamming and manipulation are common practice toward the widowed?

Did you know… it really is possible to die of a broken heart? Widow(er)s have a 30% elevated risk of death in the first 6 months after their spouses died.

Did you know… almost half the women over 65 years of age in the US are widows and about 7:10 of these women live alone?

Those are the statistics, but let’s talk about the real world… Oh wait, that is the real world.

These are not pretty numbers… They do not reflect what Hollywood tells us. Instead, they tell us the truth… They tell us the reality of many of your loved ones’ lives.

Do you know someone who is widowed? More than likely, they spend most of their time alone. More than likely, they fall into many of these statistics. It is also more than likely they will not tell you. I know because I fall into many of these numbers just as so many other widows I have met on this journey.

While every statistic is not true for every person, you might be surprised to know what is true. To give you an idea, I will share “my statistics.”

When I read these numbers, immediately I know I am blessed. I have a wonderful job with retirement plans for the not-to-distant future. While I do not live in poverty, many of the women in my initial support group were unable to support themselves and were losing their homes. Several were looking for room-mates… someone to share expenses, or a room to rent in someone else’s home. They couldn’t make it alone financially, but their families were not able (or willing, in some cases) to help either.

I have not been seriously ill since Bruce died. We were both into health and fitness, and I have continued that practice to this day. I learned a long time ago that exercise produces endorphins (a natural, self-produced, “feel good” chemical)… and goodness knows, I can definitely use that!

I have had sleep issues since Bruce passed. For the first year or so, I would wake up most nights at the exact same time I was awakened the night he died. (Trauma related, I suppose.) Now, that only happens a few times a month. Most nights, while I go to bed in time to get 8 – 9 hours of sleep, I usually wake up every couple of hours and remain awake for 30 minutes to an hour each time. If I can manage 4 – 5 hours total, it is a good night.

Bruce was only 52 when he passed away, and I was 51… I believe that covers those two statistics…

I did lose MOST of what I thought would be my support base. However, I gained many new friends who have been by my side day in and day out. They have become my “trusted few,” and I am forever in their debt.

As for my in-laws, they are wonderful. I was terrified of losing touch with them (and told them so) after Bruce’s memorial. However, after 3 years, they are still as close to me as ever, and I love them so very much.

Since Bruce died, I have definitely encountered my fair share of scammers and manipulation. It is amazing how many people are quick to take advantage of someone in a vulnerable state. Some of it has come from phone calls or sales pitches. (Those were easy to recognize.) Other situations have come from people I thought were my friends or acquaintances who I thought genuinely cared. These are harder to recognize. However, I have gotten better at it… or maybe I have just learned to be a lot more cautious. I used to trust anyone until they proved (several times) they shouldn’t be trusted. Now I hold back on the trust until I am sure of their intentions.

I have not died of a broken heart (obviously), although I certainly thought I would the first year. My blood pressure is slightly higher than before (although still very normal). Now, (years later), good health through natural healing is my goal.

I live alone and spend most holidays alone. However, I consider myself blessed. Even though we are a scattered family, my kids make sure I am “covered” for the “big ones,”… and I am learning new ways to celebrate the others. What never ceases to stun me into silence, though, are the people who say they are jealous of my solitude… Inside, I shake my head… They have no idea! I always want to tell them there is a difference is choosing solitude and being thrown into it unexpectedly.

As for me, I really am adjusting… slowly. In other words, each day I am learning to to be a little more okay by finding the blessings in my circumstances.

But what about your neighbor, friend or family member? Do you see them or their situation in those numbers? Is there anything you can do to make a difference? Are you willing to do that?

Please… don’t be afraid to reach out and make a difference…

Do you want to share your story or your thoughts? Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Where is the justice?

This Shouldn’t Be…
Left alone here without you,
All I have are pictures and memories for comfort.
It shouldn’t have ended – not so soon.
I don’t understand.
I can’t do this.
I need to touch you,
Feel you,
See you…
But all I have is this picture…
A permanent smile frozen in time;
Your smile…
Always engrained on my heart.
~ Linda, Jan. 6, 2014

It’s not fair!

How many times did I hear my children say that as they were growing up? How many times did I hear my students say this when I was teaching?

This is one of those statements that we tend to associate with children. However, if we are honest, it is a statement we continue to use even as adults. Perhaps we use the term “justice” instead, but we still use it and the intention behind it remains the same. It is only the topic that is new. We use it in reference to taxes, promotions or raises at work, within our families or peer groups… or in regards to just about anything that doesn’t go the way we think it should.

I know I have used this statement many times in regards to Bruce’s death… It wasn’t right! It wasn’t fair!… God must have made a mistake somewhere. After all, there are a lot of “bad” people out there… or people who don’t love their spouses… or people who want “out.” Why Bruce? He was a good man… we loved each other… we were looking forward to a “lifetime” together…

It wasn’t fair! (And so, for a season, I railed at God and told him exactly what I thought about it!)

As time has passed, however, I have developed a peace about the situation and stopped demanding justice. Today I thought I’d share my journey on this one, just in case there is any one else struggling with this same issue.

To get to the very basics of the issue, it is important to understand there is a basic need for justice built into all of us. In fact, this need seems to go back to the beginning of time. Throughout history, societies’ laws, social mores and religious thoughts have been built on a system of “rewards and punishments” all in the name of justice or “being fair.”

Ancient texts tell us that tragedies were often viewed as a punishment from God (or gods, depending on the culture). In some ways, many people today still follow that same idea. I often hear people say (and used to think myself), “I don’t understand. I follow the rules. I do the ‘right’ things, but then this (fill in the current dilemma) happens. It’s not fair.” And sometimes (for good measure) we’ll throw in a – “God must hate me.”

I remember once discussing the abuse in my first marriage with someone “religious.” I was struggling with the effects left on my children. I stated that I didn’t understand why God had “let it happen,” and why he had “let my kids pay such a high price.” “After all,” I reasoned, “I was a ‘good’ Christian; I loved God and did all the ‘right’ things – I prayed everyday. I was at the church whenever the doors were open. I even taught at our parochial school.”

Truthfully, looking back, I think there may have been a part of me that knew better, but I wanted someone to tell me “God didn’t do this.” I needed to hear those words… I needed to know God didn’t hate me.

Instead, I was told “God had allowed it. In fact, he not only allowed it, he had probably directed it.” This person went on to tell me that until I figured out what I was doing wrong and got my life “right with God,” he would have no choice but to continue punishing me and those I love.

I was devastated. I had spent my whole life trying to be “good.” I couldn’t wrap my mind around the idea that God was angry and punishing me for reasons I didn’t even know… and I was supposed to just “figure it out.” (Let me interject here – when a person does this to their spouse, we think they are being ridiculous and talk about communication skills… hmmm. )

I remember coming home in tears and talking to Bruce. Always my hero, he took me in his arms and told me he didn’t believe any of that – He didn’t believe God works that way. Instead, he encouraged me to look at things from another perspective. What if we were to understand that life just happens… And God, in his love and grace, had actually rescued the kids and I from that environment, protected us through the court system, and sent Bruce to show us what true, unconditional love looks like.

I remember laying in his arms and feeling peace, love and comfort. This was a story that made sense. I wanted to believe him, but letting go of old ideas can be difficult.

Not long after this conversation, Bruce passed away…

I remember people “counseling” me in the “ways of God.” (Yes, I am rolling my eyes here.) I remember being told several reasons for Bruce dying, but the two that frustrated me the most were:

  • God had taken Bruce away to punish me for ____ (fill in the blank).
  • God had taken Bruce away because I loved him too much… and if you love anything more than God, he will take it away because “he is a jealous God.”

Seriously?? I was so angry. I kept thinking this wasn’t right… It wasn’t fair. And if this is the “nature of God,” I wasn’t interested any more… I was done.

What I didn’t know then, but have come to realize is “when we can’t find justice in the real world, we will make up a story to reaffirm its importance.” *  That is exactly what I was allowing the world around me to do… make up a story to fill in the blanks.

I needed justice. But for there to be justice, there needed to be several factors. First, there needed to be blame. This was mine – I was to blame although I didn’t know my “crime.” Then there had to be a judge… that would be God. And a jury… again, God. And finally, the victim in my story – me (again) because God’s expectations (as presented) were ridiculously unattainable.

Okay – I realize this sounds overly dramatic. However, in my grief, this was how the combination of my pain, my need for justice and my religion played out. This combination caused my world to imploded even further. Now, feelings of abandonment were added to my list – abandoned by Bruce, God, my faith… This is where complete loneliness set in. I was a mess, and it was not a pretty sight!

But that isn’t the end of the story.

In my struggle to keep from drowning in my grief, I found myself trying to understand what it was Bruce had been trying to help me understand… What was it about his faith that made his understanding of God so different from the one I was raised to believe in?

I began reading the books he read and listening to the speakers he listened to… Before long, I began to realize that somewhere in our need to find “justice” in life’s events, some of us made God into something he isn’t… and was never meant to be.

Now, after years of reading, studying and deciding for myself what I think and believe, I am at peace with the knowledge that sometimes… life just happens. And God? Well, he wants to love me through it.

He is not out there waiting for me to mess up so he can say “gotcha.” He made me and all of my imperfections. Because of that, he expects imperfection. Did you know the word ‘sin’ in Hebrew actually means “to break the peace of shalom?” It is not about breaking rules at all… it is about disconnecting from God, ourselves and each other. With that in mind, I am learning to stop focusing on the rules and “being good.”… I am learning to give myself a break and to stop thinking I need to be perfect in order to be loved.

When I look at all the things happening in the world around me, I think perhaps we all need to be more focused on connecting with each other and with God. It was eye-opening to say the least, when I found whether I was reading the Bible, the Tao te Ching, the Bhagavad Gita or any other sacred text, they all call us to do the same thing – love God… and to show that love by connecting with each other… by loving each other.

It is such a simple instruction and yet we seem to get it so wrong.

So… if love and connection is the goal, then when we treat other people with disrespect, hate and anger that is when we disrupt the “shalom.” It is also imperative to understand that it is not our job to determine if someone is “worthy” before we act… We are simply called to act. This where we will all find peace…

This is where justice is found – in our ability to to share each other’s pain and struggles and to love and respect each other despite our differences. In this way, no one is left to cry, “It’s not fair. Where is the justice?”

Because the divine energy within each of us becomes the divine reality for someone else.

What about you? Did you struggle with anger after your loss? How did you come to terms with it? Would you be willing to share your story or your thoughts?
Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

* Quote acknowledgment – Rob Bell

Peace, Love and Grief… Life with a purpose

Hey Beautiful,
… I’ve spent 10 years living day by day just knowing you were out there somewhere and knowing that somewhere, somehow we would meet. I tried not to think about it. I was just trying to be a good dad and give <my daughter> what she needed. I really believe God has a plan and I was just going to have faith and let it happen. Now it’s happened and I thank God and can’t wait to see you again. You’ve given me a fresh outlook on life and I have a purpose again. Thank you!

I love you so much!
Bruce, March, 2005

Life with a purpose… isn’t that what we are all looking for in some way? I remember when Bruce wrote this letter to me. He said I gave him a purpose, but I can tell you without a doubt, he gave my life purpose, as well. When he died, I was so confused… so lost. I couldn’t understand why I was still here, and he was gone. The first year without him, I felt as if I no longer had a purpose. Surviving day to day seemed to be the only purpose I could find… at first.

As that first year drew to a close, I began to realize that I was still here for a reason. It was going to be up to me to figure out that reason and find a new focus. That next year, I focused on my own healing – emotionally and spiritually. Don’t get me wrong, I think this is one of those “on-going, for-the-rest-of-your-life” kind of things. But what I did learn that year was our purpose is always evolving. We should not expect it to remain the same year to year or possibly even day to day.

Our purpose is “for a season” – a season of life… and then, it evolves into something else… something new and different. Sometimes that change may be so subtle, we can’t even pinpoint when it actually changed. Then, there are other times (like Bruce’s death), when the change is so sudden and severe, it leaves us reeling and struggling to breathe.

The following year, I felt drawn to start this blog. My purpose was (and is) to tell the true story of dealing with loss. I wanted to tell the whole story – the good and the bad, the celebrations and the struggles, the highs and the lows… I wanted to write about the realities of being the one left behind after a loss.

Why?

Partly because I can write what I can’t say. When Bruce passed away, I had a very quick “reality check.” I learned that we (as a society) have let Hollywood dictate our opinions about loss and grief – how is to be experienced and what we should say to one another for comfort. Then, (according to Hollywood) we are all supposed to forget it, move on and “live happily ever after.”

But that is a myth; it isn’t the reality. I guess I felt my purpose has been to point that out… to let others dealing with loss know they aren’t alone. When I started, I decided that even if it only helped one person, that would make it worthwhile in my book. While I know it has made some people uncomfortable, according to the messages I receive, it has made many more people feel validated in their own experiences… so this blog is a worthwhile purpose “for this season.”

However, while I write honestly about my feelings and experiences here, I know my grief is “old news” to those closest to me. Therefore in my everyday life, I don’t usually talk about this stuff anymore… If I really need to talk to someone, I will. But generally, I try to ensure it is a rare conversation.

Which brings up another “why?” Because, while I want to help others going through similar experiences, I don’t want my whole life to be focused on the frustrations of loss. I want to live a “normal” life. Plus, I have learned that what I focus on in life will expand… and I don’t need any more sadness or frustration in my life.

For example, I found myself struggling this week as this holiday weekend approached. For me, Easter is more than a religious celebration… It is a family celebration of life. However, I knew that I would be alone, and loneliness is a huge issue for me, as it is with most widows and widowers (even years later). Since I have a hard time expressing that, no one around me knew. So, as I found myself focusing on the “alone” piece, the “pity party” started in my head.

However, about mid-week I made a choice. I decided to change my focus from “alone” and redirect it in a positive way. I couldn’t change the “alone” factor, but I could make my time alone positive and productive. So… I completely “unplugged” this weekend. I started on Friday evening, and have spent the last 2 days enjoying a quiet, spiritual retreat weekend. It has been beautiful… and definitely much better than feeling sorry for myself.

This year, while I am still writing this blog (and will continue until it no longer serves a purpose), I can feel my day-to-day purpose shifting. My current focus seems to be around spiritual growth. For what? I have no idea, but I have definitely been drawn in that direction… And I am willing to follow this path and remain open to new ideas and experiences in my life.

In some ways, I feel I am following Bruce’s lead. His calm, steady, quiet faith was unshakable. I always loved to hear him tell how he knew I was “out there somewhere” and we would meet when it was time.

From the time we met until the night he died, he wore an anchor on a chain around his neck. A simple, silver anchor – the symbol of hope. He used to say that it symbolized his hope and his faith all those years as he waited for us to find each other. He would talk about being lonely for years, but how he never gave up hope or settled for something less than what he knew was right.

Now I wear that that chain with the anchor (and our wedding bands). It is my reminder that life always offers hope… and that is where I need to focus.

ringsandanchor

What about you? Do you ever struggle with why you are still here and your loved one is not? Would you be willing to share your story or your thoughts?

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… When their next breath depended on you

Earlier this week I saw an article on line about a rescue worker who responded to a call. He immediately begin performing CPR, then realized he was working on a loved one. He became so emotionally overwhelmed, he had to let his partner take over. There were hundreds of comments following the article – some showing support and compassion for the man, but many others judging and criticizing the man for becoming too overwhelmed to continue.

For me, the article hit way to close to home. In fact, it shook me up so badly, I can’t really remember any more details than what I have written. I can’t remember what type of emergency responder he was or who the love one was. But the comments at the bottom, keep echoing through my head… and dragging out the memories of that night…

I remember waking shortly after midnight. We were still snuggled up, but Bruce sounded like he was having a nightmare. I remember trying to wake him. I called his name and shook him hard several times. As I was reaching across him to turn on the bedside lamp, he seized up, then went suddenly limp. I was frozen for a moment – not quite sure what to do. My instinct was to call 911. However, I also knew if I was over-reacting, he would be so upset with me. (Keep in mind, this debate in my mind took less than .5 second.)

I called 911.

Some of my memories of that night are foggy while others are as sharp as if it all just happened. I remember talking to the dispatcher while racing to open the front door for the EMS crew. I remember the dispatcher asking if Bruce was still breathing… It know it sounds ridiculous, but I couldn’t tell. He sounded like he was trying to breathe but couldn’t catch his breath. Finally, I said, “No, I don’t think he is breathing.” (I remember thinking how stupid I must sound.)

The dispatcher asked if I knew how to do chest compressions. I did. In fact, up until that point, I had been “the” CPR certified person in our office for years. He asked if I could move Bruce to the floor so the compressions would be more effective. I couldn’t – Bruce was a body-builder and more than twice my size. Plus, our bed required stairs for me to got up onto it.

Instead, I had to find something solid and get it under him before I could start the compressions. I found something that would work, but getting it under him was another problem. It took all my strength to roll him onto his side and hold him there while I positioned the board beneath him.

I remember thinking I was wasting SO much time… I needed to move faster.
I finally started the compressions while counting out loud. I was only on 53 or 54 when the EMS team walked in and took over. They immediately moved him to the floor as they took over the compressions and inserted a breathing tube attached to a breathing bag. I realized immediately that the pulse line on their monitor was flat. I watched from a few feet away, as they tried injecting medication directly into his heart… but the line on the monitor stayed flat. Next, they tried the “paddles”… but still, the line on the monitor remained flat.

I remember standing perfectly still… frozen in space and time – completely silent… yet on the inside, I was screaming for him to come back… but I already knew. No one said a word… They didn’t need to – we all knew.

They continued doing CPR as we waited for a police officer to arrive who could drive me to the hospital behind the ambulance. There were no sirens and no one beside me in the squad car… just myself and my worst fear coming true… and I couldn’t make any of it stop.

At the hospital, they led me to a “consultation room.” There was one dimly lit lamp on a table and two couches on opposite walls. I remember sitting there alone at first. I remember I didn’t want to be there. I already knew what the “consulation” would be, and I didn’t want to hear it… I didn’t want to hear those words.

It was only a few minutes before the attending physician came in and said the words that made everything final and real… a confirmation of what I didn’t want to know for sure.

In that moment my world fell apart. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I remember thinking for so many years, Bruce had been my hero – my knight in shining armor – and now, in his moment of crisis, I had failed him.

His next breath had depended on me, and despite everything,… he had died.

Believe me when I say, I know it is hard to lose a spouse. I know it is even harder to watch them take their last breath… I also know the worst is knowing that their next breath… their very life depended on you, but you failed… I know because I failed.

It took several months for the autopsy results to come back. The cause of death was listed as “hypertensive heart disease” – high blood pressure. (Bruce had been on medication for years for his blood pressure.) The Medical Examiner called to further explain his findings… the piece of the puzzle he felt I needed to know.

As he explained it, Bruce’s heart was twice the size it should have been. This was caused by the hypertension. The high blood pressure forces the heart to work harder to pump the blood. The heart like any muscle grows when it works hard… forcing the heart to work harder. Over time, this creates an unhealthy cycle.

The M.E. also asked if anyone had performed CPR on Bruce that night. I told him I had tried, but had failed. As we talked, he was very kind and explained that I was really “too small to be effective at CPR.” He said that CPR is used as an attempt to help someone who is technically already dead and most times is not effective… especially when performed by someone my size on someone Bruce’s size.

However, he went on to explain that, in reality, no one could have saved Bruce that night. Because of his heart size, Bruce needed a heart transplant. Without it, once his heart stopped, there was no way to restart it… no one could have saved him that night… It was already too late.

While my rational mind understands all of this, emotions are not rational. If I am honest, despite the years, my guilt over my own failure remains.

At first, I tried to deal with my guilt by talking about it, but people weren’t really equipped to help. Their response usually sounded something like, “You know you couldn’t have saved him.” (Yes, I know.) “You’ve been told there was nothing anyone could have done.” (True.) “Don’t say that. You know better. Stop thinking like that.” (True, but what I feel and what I know are two different things, and I don’t know how to make it stop.)

Eventually, I quit trying to talk about it… I don’t blame people for being uncomfortable or for the things they said. They were trying. They meant well. (And I appreciate that effort.) They wanted to help by having me look at the facts… The problem was (and is) I know the facts, but that doesn’t help me deal with my emotions. (I, also, know I have said similar things to others when trying to help.)

Besides, if I don’t know what I need to help me through this, how could anyone else?

My rational mind understands all the facts. I have no regrets about our relationship or how we spent our time together. I am thankful that I held Bruce while he took his last breath. I am so thankful I was with him, and he didn’t die alone. However, I think I will always feel that I failed him… The one time he really needed me, I let him down.

I think I will always question myself and wonder, “What if…”

After being coached and being a coach to others, I know that regret and guilt are emotions that get us no where. They are not productive emotions. They cause us to bog down where we are – unable to move forward because we are spending too much time looking behind.

Most days, I try to stick to the rational thoughts and ignore the emotional side of that experience. However, when I read the comments following the article this week, so many of those feelings re-surfaced stronger than ever. People were so quick to judge… so quick to say what (they believe) they would do. I think we all want to believe we would be “the hero” – do the “right thing” – “save the person in need.”

I thought I knew what I would do. I thought I was prepared to “be there”… to help anyone if needed. I was wrong. I learned that’s not the way life always turns out. What we think we would do and what really happens is often light years apart. This week, I found myself wondering what these same people would think of me. What would they say? What about the people in my life? The ones who loved Bruce, too?

Knowing all that I know… having experienced this for myself and knowing the reality of it, there are (many) days when I am terrified of ever finding myself in such a situation again. I know that learning to trust myself again and being able to forgive myself are a big part of my healing process…

And I am still working on that.

What about you? Did you have any guilt or regrets that you would be willing to share? Or any advice on coming to terms with the guilt or regrets?

Please share your story with us… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.