Peace, Love & Grief – Page 45 – There is a peace that comes with acceptance, and a love that is always remembered

Peace, Love and Grief… What to do with a day like today

I remember years ago when my kids were little and would ask what I wanted for Mother’s Day. I would always give the same response… I just wanted a day of quiet – a day all to myself. Well, this year I am spending my third Mother’s Day alone and let me tell you – it isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. I find myself longing for those days of endless chaos (and hugs). So, be careful what you wish for – you just might get it.

As I wrote today’s blog, I started to “pretty it up” and make it more positive. Then I stopped myself. If I am honest about what my grief journey entails then I need to be honest about this day, as well.

I love the fact that there is a day set aside to celebrate my Mom and Bruce’s Mom and all that they have done for us. Without the two of them, the “we” that was Bruce and I would never have been.

I, also, love that there is a day when my daughter is celebrated for being the fabulous mother that she is. My grandson is my whole heart, and as his mother, my daughter makes that happen.

My problem, however, comes when I try to apply the sentiment of the day to myself… This is where I struggle.

You see, in the processes of leaving my first marriage, meeting, loving and losing Bruce, there have been so many areas of my life in which I have grown and developed. However, Mother’s Day is a day I dread… There are emotions attached to this day that make breathing a struggle.

After I left my first marriage, I needed to come to terms with what had transpired over the years and how I had enabled those behaviors. I also had to accept the fact that my job as the mother was to protect my kids. While I thought I was protecting them at the time, the reality was different. They endured quite a bit at the hands of their father and as their mother, I failed to protect them.

Luckily, my kids turned out great (in spite of me)… but this is where my dread of Mother’s Day comes from… It comes from within myself.

For the first few years after my first marriage, we still lived in SC, so it was easy to center the day around my mother and grandmother… I could ignore my own dread and put my energy into loving them.

When I met Bruce, he listened to my thoughts and feelings but he had a completely different perspective. He saw me in a light without judgement. He wanted to celebrate what he called “the strength to leave” and likened it to the legend of a mother pelican.

On our first Mother’s Day together, after only 6 months of marriage, I didn’t expect anything from him. After all, ours was a “later in life” marriage. I wasn’t his mother nor the mother of his daughter. But he saw it differently. When I awoke that morning, he had a card waiting on his side of the bed. He was absolutely beaming when he handed it to me. (I still have that card… and every other one he ever gave me.) Inside was a beautiful message of love along with 3 tickets to the opera for that afternoon. : )

Imagine it… Here was my body-building, truck-driving, football-loving husband willing to spend the afternoon at the opera because he knew how much I would love it… and he included my daughter so that it was a “family affair” – exactly what the day was meant to be. While I am still uncomfortable with this day, I smile when I remember how he always insisted on celebrating me as a mother.

Flash forward to the first Mother’s Day after Bruce passed (May 2013). I found myself struggling in a different light. The kids have been grown and gone for years… and without Bruce, I was alone.

Rather than trying to explain how that feels, I am going to share a few excerpts from my journal over the last few years.

May 12, 2013:
* It is four months today… and Mother’s day… and I’m alone… it has been a really hard day. A few days ago I wrote that I thought I was still here for my kids, but today I am not so sure… they are grown and gone with lives and families of their own. They love me. (I know that without a doubt.)… But I would not say they need me.

* My biggest issue is that I need to stop looking to my kids for comfort… that is not their job and it is not fair to them. Bruce is gone. I am sad and I miss him more than I ever could have imagined – but those are my issues… no one else’s. I have to figure this out myself before I drive everyone off. I love them and they love me, but this will drive them away if I’m not careful… I need some courage – I am losing my confidence.

May 11, 2014:
* It’s Mother’s Day… I’m trying not to feel bad about being alone. I know we all live too far apart for anyone to come for just a day. (D and M will be here on Tuesday and are staying for a few weeks.) I just find that “special” days are hard now that they aren’t so “special” – just another day.

* I don’t want to be here alone. The kids have called or skyped… It’s funny how something so simple means so much. I know I’m not entitled to expect anything but it is nice to feel special.

May 10, 2015:
* Yuck! Mother’s Day #3 without you, Babe… alone…again.

* The kids have already started calling this morning which makes me smile. It is is still hard to accept – I wish I had been a better mom. If I could, I would do things different… Being a mom was the one thing I always wanted to do and be when I grew up… and I really managed to screw it up.

* Today is one of those days when I am hanging on by a thread. I feel myself slipping into a darkness that seems to surround every thought. I need to turn this thought process around. I am trying so hard not to fall down that rabbit hole of self-doubt and self-loathing today, but it is hard.

My reflections for today:
* I survived today. : )

* My grandson was my first call this morning and he lights up my whole world! I spoke to my kids, my mom, and Bruce’s mom – all of these people light up my world.

* I spent time at the beach – a space that was mine and Bruce’s. It was nice to enjoy the simple blessings of today.

* My neighbors reached out and invited me to dinner. They are wonderful friends who empathize with the challenges that go with widows and holidays. They are a constant source of support… and hugs!

* All in all, I still wish I could be physically with Bruce, my kids and my grandson, but that was not to be. However, God has provided the love and support that I needed to get through this Mother’s Day… I can be thankful for that.

In writing this today, I am not looking for anything really. I only want people to understand that if you know someone who has lost a person that connects to their “mother role”, please… reach out to them… they need you.

Because this is OUR community, please feel free to share your thoughts and experiences, too. To do so, go to the comments and leave a note.*

Who knows… you may hold the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

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Peace, Love and Grief… It’s not a competition

Please…
Please don’t judge my grief;
Don’t compare it to someone else’s.
You see what I choose to let you see.
(Except in those moments when it overflows and pours from my soul.)
I may smile.
I may walk with my chin up,
But you do not know what pain is growing on the inside…
consuming my soul.
It may be easy to sit where you do and decide I am fine;
But you would be wrong.
You see what I choose to let you see.
My pain is here; it is real.
I deal with it all day – everyday…
Do not believe the mask I wear.
~ Linda, June 17, 2014

During the first year after Bruce passed, I found myself getting angry at some of the things people said. During the second year, that anger subsided as I learned to think with less emotion and began to realize that people truly meant well… They just didn’t know any better. I know now that most of the words spoken were meant to console or “help me look on the bright side.” Unfortunately, what might be consoling to one person is not necessarily consoling to another. Separating the words from the intent and only responding to the intent has helped me grow and respond with love. What I hope to achieve today is an understanding of why one perception of loss can leave the griever feeling isolated even more.

One of the few statements that will still trigger an emotional (aka – angry) response within me, occurs when someone tries to compare the grief of two different people and thus, two different losses. Please, believe me when I tell you that if you were to ask anyone who is grieving, they would be quick to tell you that this is not a game… And, if it were, they would rather not be participating.

The year Bruce died, was a hard year for our little office. Several people lost family members. We lost husbands, partners, parents and children. About 6 months after Bruce passed, a co-worker went through the horrendous experience of losing her son in a senseless accident. Not only did she live a mother’s worst nightmare by having to make the decision to say “good-by”, but because it was not his fault in any way, she also spent months fighting for him in the judicial system. She is such a brave woman, and I am extremely proud to be her friend.

Since we were both experiencing such deep-felt grief at the same time, we shared a lot… many mornings found us praying for each other and sending words of encouragement back and forth. (I hope she realizes that she is still in my prayers – even today.)

The competition I mention was never between her and me. The competition seems to have been in the minds of some of our co-workers. Ironically, it seemed to be those who had never lost a child or a soul mate (a loss that impacts not just your heart but your day-to-day life).

Almost immediately, people began saying to me, “Well, at least you can remarry and get another husband. She can never replace her son.” Or “Well, at least you don’t hurt as much as she does. The pain of losing a child is so much worse.”

Really? I’ve lost a child and I’ve lost my soul mate… the relationships were different and the pain was different. But I would never say that one is less or more painful than the other. I am aware that these people were trying to help. Their intention may have been to console or to be the “voice of wisdom and positive thought.” I truly believe they meant well, and I appreciate their attempt to help me feel better.

My questions, however, would be…

1. Is there a way to measure grief?
I don’t believe you can measure it. No one knows for sure how or what I (or another person) feels. When we are grieving, we let the world see what we choose to let them see. I would bet most people have no idea that almost 2.5 years later, I still cry at least 2 – 3 times a day… and that’s a minimum. I still wear our wedding rings close to my heart each and every day, and when things get rough and when I sleep, I hold them tightly in my fist. I still have a hard time wrapping my mind around the reality of losing Bruce. I don’t know if I will ever completely accept it.

2. And what do they mean replace Bruce?
One might remarry… Then again, one might also have another child. My point is no matter what else you might do, you can never replace a person. Each person is unique and your relationship with them is unique. They will always be a part of your soul and live deep in your heart. Yes, I am lonely… but it is Bruce that I miss. I don’t want just anyone – I want him. But since that is impossible, I still find myself grieving. I still question why he is gone. I still light a candle for him each morning. I can still remember what it feels like to be in his arms. Craziest of all, I still think of myself as married, and I still think of him as my husband. Honestly, I don’t know if that will ever change.

Here is what I do know…

If your grieving, people will probably say things that are just wrong. Take a breath and remember that they mean well.
If you are trying to comfort someone who is grieving and you don’t know what to say, that’s okay. You need to say anything – just be there. That means so much more than anyone could ever realize.
Finally, please understand that people who are grieving, would rather not be grieving (period). So, if you feel the temptation to compare our grief – to make it seem like a competition – please don’t. It is hurtful and invalidating.
We would beg you, please, don’t compare us… just support us.

Because this is our community, please feel free to share your thoughts and experiences, too. To do so, go to the comments and leave a note.*

Who knows… you may hold the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love and Grief… The Grief of love gone wrong

Happiness is not a destination;
It is a way we can choose to travel on this journey called life.
~ Linda, September 29, 2013

This week I was given a challenge by a dear friend. “You don’t write very much about your other losses,” she observed. “Why? Those losses and how you dealt with them (or didn’t deal with them) played such a big role in how you dealt with the loss of Bruce. Besides, if this is a blog about loss, then why not write about them?… I would recommend writing about your first marriage and the grief involved with that.”

“It’s too intense… too dark,” I told her.

“Did it happen? Was it real?” she responded.

“Yes… but it’s too much. People don’t want to hear that stuff.”

“People can decide if they want hear it,” she said. “I challenge you to be honest enough to put it out there. You always say ‘if it helps one person, it is worth doing’… maybe there is one person who needs to hear your story.”

In my heart, I know she is right. So, with a prayer and a deep breath, here it is…

Usually when when we think of grief, we think of death. However, there is grief in any loss. For example, in the loss of a relationship or divorce (even when you know it is the right thing to do) there is still pain and loss. While dealing with the loss of my dear 2nd husband, Bruce, I found that I had to go back and “mourn” (or work through the emotions of) other past losses. This included the emotions surrounding my first marriage. There were a lot of “secrets” in this marriage… that this is where so much of his perceived “power” came from in those days. However, most of those secrets I will still keep to myself – at least for now.

This is my story – the story of a love gone wrong… horribly wrong. It is a hard story to tell, but my goal is to be honest. These were the memories and emotions I had to work through before I could work through my grief for Bruce. Perhaps there is someone else out there that needs to do the same. If you have a similar story, work through it. Your healing will never be complete until you acknowledge all it, mourn it and work through it. My hope is that sharing my story will help you face yours.

Her Side of the Story:

This is one of those stories where I would like to tell you both sides of the story… but to do that I would have to know both sides of the story. I do not. I only know Her side, because She… is me .

She grew up in what she thought was a normal family… Don’t we all? But what is normal? She had 2 parents, a sister, grandparents, Aunts, Uncles, cousins,… just like anyone else. She went to school and did well, although her spirit always preferred playing outside to studying indoors. She had friends, hobbies and activities (such as music lessons, church, sailing, and she LOVED the theater). As she got older she wasn’t the most popular kid in school, but she didn’t sit at home every night either. She had a mix of friends from every crowd, and she loved them all.

How she ended up where she did, she is not sure. But… At age 20, she got pregnant, married and gave birth to her first child – premature and stillborn. (A loss I wrote about in an earlier blog.) At 21, her first daughter was born – beautiful and healthy. And by age 27, Her family consisted of 3 daughters, a son and a husband. This first husband was an odd man, though – funny one minute and cruel the next. Within the first month of her marriage, she knew she was in trouble. She had never learned how to set boundaries or stand up for herself – a big gap in her knowledge of life… and her little family would pay the price.

It was a hot summer day in Charleston, SC. They were newly married, waiting on a military assignment and living temporarily with her grandmother. To be helpful, her husband decided he would cut the grass. After about 10 minutes in the hot Charleston sun, he came back inside looking for a Dr. Pepper. There weren’t any. There were plenty of other things to drink, but not what he wanted. This man became enraged. Not believing that anyone could really become so angry over a soda, she laughed. Surely he was joking… that was a big mistake.

Before she knew what was happening, this man grabbed her, shook her violently as he screamed at her and threw her against a wall as he stormed back outside. She sat on the floor stunned. What had just happened? Was this the man she knew? Was this to be her life?

She had made a choice to marry this man. She had been raised to believe that divorce was not an option. (Never mind that the grandmother she was living with had been married and divorced twice… that was considered “scandalous” and not openly discussed.) She had been raised that divorce was wrong, period. God did not approve, period. You would go to hell, period. So, she knew… She had made a choice and now she had to live with that choice despite the consequences.

She became quite good at keeping secrets over the years. In public, they were the perfect family, but behind closed doors was another story. As the children grew up, they became her world. She loved each one completely and loved being their mother. They played together, learned together and became a united team together. This bond helped them to endure his rage.

As the years passed, the violence escalated. She thought she was taking the brunt of it. She thought she was protecting Her children. She thought she was doing the “right thing”… the “Christian thing.”

As time passed, she began to see that it was all wrong. This man was angry and cruel to whoever was around. She came to understand that God did not require her to sacrifice her children or herself to a man who was unable to control his own anger and emotions. She realized that for the first time in her life, she had to take a stand… not a stand against Him, but a stand for her children and herself. It was hard… probably the hardest thing she had ever done.

This decision meant the end of 20 years of marriage. There were another 3 years of continued escalated violence, as these two separated and moved toward divorce. There were times when he broke into the house creating havoc, panic and fear. One night she awoke to find a pillow over her face and his voice in her ear saying, “If you take another breath, it is because I choose to let you.” Then, he was gone. She was still alive but the terror left behind cannot be described.

The violence continued to escalate. This man would not let go… He felt that she and her children were his – his property to do with as he pleased. And as “Christians,” it was their duty to forgive him each and every time … They should just “take it” and forgive. Eventually, a court order removed his parental rights and established a restraining order, but that was only a piece of paper. (His stalking and harassment actually continued for another 5 years.)

Finally on a sunny June day, in a small courtroom in SC, 23 years after it started, the marriage was over. She and her children could move on and live their lives. She had no idea what she was doing or how to do it. She found herself trying desparately to come to terms with what had happened in all those years of marriage. At what point had she lost her own self-worth? At what point had she let herself believe that she didn’t have enough value to want or expect anything more? For over 20 years, she had heard almost daily that the world would spin a lot easier if she weren’t on it… Now she had to prove that theory wrong, if to no one but herself.

All she really wanted was peace… to live a life not rooted in fear. She wasn’t looking for anything in particular. She just needed to learn who she was deep inside… to heal… to find peace from within and to learn to love herself.

It was an exciting and beautiful journey… it was also very hard. Now, add the fact that she had 4 children watching her… and learning by her example. She had been given another chance… She had to get it right this time.

It took some counseling and many years to get past that marriage. Even now, there are still nightmares and periods of insecurity. There are still moments of panic when she thinks she sees a familiar form or hears a voice similar to his. But every year these become fewer and farther between.

While she knew it was the right thing to do, this divorce was still a loss. As a child, she had always dreamed of a husband and children and a home filled with love. That had never happened, instead she found herself mourning the loss of that dream of a loving husband, family and home.

Life does move on, and one day she took a chance and opened her heart up once more. She (me) met a wonderful man… someone whose only expectation was love. Someone who truly understood the term “unconditional love.” That person was Bruce.

Without a doubt, Bruce was the single biggest contributor to my family’s healing. His unconditional love and total acceptance brought us a peace we had never known. My kids and I learned what a true man and a healthy marriage really looks like. We came to understand that strength is not always a physical thing, but an acceptance of oneself and learning how to navigate the world as it is.

I share my experiences this week praying that if someone else is in the same situation, they will realize that there are options. It is never too late. Everyone has value. Everyone has a purpose.

Because this is our community, please feel free to share your thoughts and experiences, too. To do so, go to the comments and leave a note.*

Who knows… your story may hold the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love and Grief… Where are the dreams now?

Reality
I know that you’re not coming back.
I know that even though I wish it weren’t true,
you are gone.
I know…
But it is a bitter pill to swallow.
~ Linda, March 20, 2015

This week’s blog is an extension of last week’s… but then again, that only makes sense since that is the way of time.

Last week I talked about Bruce’s birthday and the dream we had of retiring when he turned 55… This would have been that year. It was supposed to be our time… our dream. But life doesn’t always happen the way you plan it.

I had to go back to work on Tuesday, just like any other day. I woke up, I wrote in my journal, I did my meditation and I worked out. Then I got dressed and drove to work just like any other day… But it wasn’t any other day. It was the day that marked the end of a dream. I walked through the doors at work, greeted the security guard, unlocked my office door and sat down to my computer. However, everything in me was screaming, “NO!!” This wasn’t how it was supposed to be… I wasn’t supposed to be there. This was not what we had planned.

When we met, Bruce and I shared a dream. (I believe it was a part of our initial attraction.) We both wanted to retire on a boat and sail the Caribbean. I used to laugh and tell him that he could be my “cabin boy.” He would laugh right back and tell me that he couldn’t think of a better way to spend his days. I loved that! He didn’t care if I was the “Captain” – he just wanted to be together. Who wouldn’t fall in love with that?!

We spent many weekends looking at yachts – deciding what we wanted and what we didn’t. He used to laugh that we would need an entire separate boat just for my shoes… He was probably right! : )

He was such a thinker… always coming up with ideas for growing a garden on board, a “boat” solar-powered treadmill for me to have a place to run and any other way to make it uniquely “ours.” He spent hours studying ports and pirates, customs and currents. In other words, he got serious about how to actually make our dream come to life. Our dream was real for both of us, and I didn’t doubt that we would really do it one day.

When we bought our current home, I did worry just a little bit. In fact, I questioned Bruce if our dream was just that… a dream. After all, now we had a house and all the responsibilities that go with it. He just smiled and told me that dreams always have a way of coming true… after all – we had found each other.

Then one night… in a breath… in one moment of time, he was gone, I was alone, and our dream was no longer.

I knew it. Over time, I thought I had accepted it. I certainly understood it. I have done the figures and calculations… I know how much longer I need to work before I can retire. (That time-line changes when there is only one person to contribute to the budget.) Logically, I got it… I was aware of the reality of my situation. My world was real and our dreams were gone.

But how does one live – I mean REALLY live – without a dream? Is that living? That is where I found myself on Tuesday. Walking through the motions of my life and realizing that without a dream, what was the purpose? What was the point?

Bruce is gone. He isn’t coming back no matter how much I wish for it. Our dreams are gone too… but my life isn’t over. I don’t want to spend the rest of my days just going through the motions. I want a life with purpose. So while I have spent the remainder of this week mourning the loss of Bruce AND our dreams, I have also come to realize that I must look deep inside myself and find a new dream… a new purpose.

This week has been hard. I have smiled in public and pretended that all was well. However, on the inside, I have been lost… totally and completely lost. I hear this is normal… all couples share dreams and when one is gone, the dreams are gone. It is up to each of us to determine how to keep going.

I’m not sure exactly what my next dream will be but I have the glimmer of an idea that makes me smile. That alone leads me to believe I am on the right path. Life has a way of opening and closing doors, so for now, I will follow my heart, go where life leads me… and pray for the courage to keep moving forward.

I share my thoughts this week praying that if someone else is feeling the same way, they will realize that it is never too late to dream… And dreams are what give our lives purpose.

The Promise
A bird hops through the grass.
A grapevine gently bounces in the breeze.
The raindrops left on the grass from last night’s rain
sparkle in the morning sun.
The ants are already busy scrambling to and fro.
It is a new day;
Full of promise.
Let me open my heart and see the beauty that surrounds me.
Let me accept the promise of today
and hold it to my heart
so I can live each moment as it comes.
~ Linda, September 29, 2014

Because this is OUR community, please feel free to share your thoughts and experiences, too. To do so, go to the comments and leave a note.

Who knows… you may hold the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love and Grief… Celebrating his life…

Blessed

Sometimes I don’t know how to do this.
Sometimes I can’t even breathe.
Then something happens
And I am reminded of how blessed I have been
To have known you at all…
To hold you in my arms,
Even if only for a little while…
That love will carry me through.

~ Linda, February 10, 2015

Aaaand… here I go again. Bruce’s birthday is Monday, April 13 so I have found myself facing another weekend with great significance. Sometimes I feel like there isn’t even time to breathe before the next thing comes along. However, while I find myself tearing up as I reminisce about past birthday weekends, I know that what I want to do is to celebrate his life… a life that changed mine for the better.

With rare exception, we always took the week of Bruce’s birthday off and headed to his folks’ house to celebrate. We would have so much fun just enjoying each other’s company – spending time on the beach, fishing with his dad, playing card games late into the night, “camping out” in the guest house and making all those precious memories that I wouldn’t trade for the world. It was his week and his mom always treated him like a prince – cooking all his favorite foods, including his favorite cake (Texas Sheet Cake). He would just grin from ear to ear the whole time we were there… In fact, saying good-bye was the only negative part of the whole week.

I remember the first year that I joined him there. Bruce and I had only been dating for a few months. Up to that point, I had only met his sisters (who are wonderful), but not his parents. He was so excited to have me come along, but I was TERRIFIED. I was a 40-something year old divorcee with 4 children who lived 1000 miles away from their son… not exactly a parent’s dream mate for their only son. But Bruce kept insisting I was wrong. “They will love you,” he smiled. “They already love you because I love you and I am happier than I have ever been.” I guess he was right because I felt welcomed and loved from the moment I walked through their door. In fact, that love and acceptance has not changed at all across the years… His family became my family and still is. : )

On his birthday weekend in 2011, we signed the final papers and moved into this home. Since we couldn’t go there, his folks came here and helped us move in. It was a ton of work but we had a great time just being together… and Bruce still got to pick every place we ate. : ) Bruce and I were so excited to be here. We had picked this place specifically to fulfill our dream of spending our retirement years enjoying the Florida coast.

We planned to retire when Bruce turned 55 and just spend the rest of our days playing together. We were so excited… We had so many adventures planned… so many places to go… so many things to do. That dream retirement would have started this year on his birthday (tomorrow). That was our plan… that was our dream. But for whatever reason, that dream was taken away without warning one January night…

With our dreams gone, life got real. So in the interest of a blog that is honest about grief, I will too.

That first birthday without Bruce, we held his memorial and scattered his ashes at sunrise. Afterward, we came back home to a brunch of all his favorite foods. In the evening, we went to one of his favorite fishing spots, toasted him with a beer, and let his grandson place a “boat of flowers” into the water to “take a note to Papa in heaven.” Then to end the day, we had dinner at his favorite seafood restaurant in town. It was one of the hardest days ever… but all in all, it felt like the right way to honor him and his life.

The next year (last year), I was alone for his birthday. At the end of the day, I dressed up (just as I would for him) and went out to dinner at that same seafood restaurant to celebrate. Then afterward, I came back home and had a (Jimmy Buffet) Parrot Head party in his honor. In my mind, I danced with him for hours… It was a hard, tear-filled, wonderful night.

This year I would love to say that enough time has passed, so I am spending the weekend remembering the good times and being thankful, happy and content with those… But that would be a lie.

I am happy for the time Bruce and I had together. I love remembering all the good times and precious moments. But I would give absolutely anything to have him back… to have our dreams back… to have my best friend back… to have our life back. I try not to cry, but the tears come anyway – I am just so sad that he is gone and I am here celebrating his birthday alone. (Even as I write this, I am having trouble seeing the screen through the tears.)

This year my plan has been to go to all of his favorite eating spots over the next few days. (I’ve already been to three of them – Friday, Saturday and tonight.) I even bought a little cupcake (okay – it’s actually HUGE) and a bottle of “Birthday” wine to celebrate tomorrow. I also plan to have another Parrot Head dance party just because it feels right.

I guess deep inside, I want him to know he isn’t forgotten. I love him… I will ALWAYS love him. And as long as I have breath in my body, I will celebrate the day the world was blessed by his life.

This week I have only shared my thoughts, feelings and experiences – there is no great wisdom… only the truth. Because this is our community, please feel free to share your thoughts and experiences, too. To do so, go to the comments and leave a note.

Who knows… you may hold the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love and Grief… Surviving another holiday…

Things I Never Thought
I never thought I would live without you…
but I do.
I never thought I would spend a holiday alone…
but I have.
I never thought I would celebrate life’s joys alone…
but I will.
I don’t know what I am supposed to learn from all this…
but I keep searching.
There must be something…
I just need to find it
~ Linda, October 1, 2013

As I write this, I am facing another holiday weekend (alone)… ugh. That probably sounds a bit cynical, but I really don’t feel guilty about saying it. It’s honest, and I am sure there are a lot of other people on this path who completely understand. Let me explain.

The first year after Bruce died, I didn’t “do” the holidays. I ignored them, even if it meant escaping somewhere to get away from the world’s excitement. It may sound silly, but I couldn’t face the holidays so I ran away. What made it so hard? Bruce and I had finally adjusted to our own new, “empty nest” traditions. That was a hard transition for both of us… family had always been the center of our holidays and celebrations. When he died so unexpected, I couldn’t handle anything else… I couldn’t rethink new traditions and the old ones didn’t fit anymore, so I gave myself permission to NOT participate… I wasn’t ready.

Last year, I celebrated most of the holidays with my kids or other family. It was hard without Bruce but I managed to smile, and I did find joy somewhere in each one. I say “most” because life happens and there have been a few celebrations that I spent alone, such as Bruce’s and my birthdays, a promotion at work and some smaller holidays. Spending those days alone is hard no matter how much you try to remain positive… even when you understand why you are alone. This holiday weekend is another one that finds me alone… and struggling with my emotions.

I did manage to pull out a couple of Easter decorations for the foyer so if someone peeks inside it at least appears festive. But that is as far as I went… no baskets or eggs. Okay… I admit (with some guilt) to buying a box of Peeps and a bag of Easter corn because they are my favorites. : )

For me, the trick seems to be trying to navigate the world’s excitement while at the same time trying to balance my own emotions and loneliness. I try to tell myself that it’s just a day, but I can’t lie. It’s a harder struggle than I would have ever imagined. I want to be excited, but about what? There is no family around, no traditions to share, no one to laugh with or talk to… the weekend ahead seems more daunting than promising.

I wish with all my heart Bruce was still here beside me, but I know that will never be again… not in this lifetime. I would especially love to talk to my grandmothers. I ache for their wisdom and advice… How did they do this? One of my grandmothers spent over 40 years on her own and the other one outlived her husband by more than 20 years. How did they survive this? Where did they find the strength? Did they hurt like this, too? I would give anything to know… to listen and to learn from them.

I wish I had answers this week but I don’t. However, I would like to share one thing that I will do this holiday weekend. It is my own new tradition that allows me to still include Bruce in every holiday and every celebration. (I did not make this up myself… It is someone else’s idea that I found somewhere, but I love it, I have used it, and I want to share it.)

I use a frame filled with pictures of Bruce and I together and place 6 candles in front of it. Then, I read the following, lighting the candles as I go:

We/I light 6 candles in honor of you.
1. This candle represents our/my grief. The pain of losing you is intense. It is a reminder of the depth of our/my love for you.

2. This candle represents our/my courage – to confront our/my sorrow, to comfort each other and to change our/my lives.

3. This candle is in your memory – the times we laughed, the times we cried, the times we were angry with each other, the silly things we did and the caring and joy you gave us/me.

4. This candle is the light of love. Day by day we/I cherish the special place in our/my hearts that will always be reserved for you. Thank you for the gift your life brought to each of us/me.

5. This candle is the light of hope. It reminds us/me of love and memories of you that are ours/mine forever.

6. This candle is the light of eternity – for the day when we /I will see you again, in all God’s glory. We will be together again. We will have healthy, whole bodies and can explore the wonders of heaven together.

May the light of the Lord be our source of hopefulness now and forever.I love you, Babe… Amen.

This week I have only shared my thoughts and experiences – there is no real insight or direction. Because this is OUR community, please feel free to share your thoughts and experiences, too. I know I would LOVE to hear how others have handled their holidays. To do so, go to the comments and leave a note.

Who knows… you may hold the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love and Grief… Is there a springtime in grief?

Your Gift
In each breeze, let me feel your touch.
In each sunrise, let me experience your joy.
In each storm, let me feel your strength.
In the quiet, let me hear your voice telling me –
All is well…
Each moment was planned;
Each smile was for me;
And your acceptance of life was your gift to help me through this storm.
I loved you
and even now… you love me.
~ Linda, September 16, 2013

As the world celebrates spring, I find myself contemplating a memory and asking, “Is there a springtime in grief?” I pray there is… I know Bruce would tell me there is just as he did years ago…

Bruce and I met on a small sailing schooner in the Virgin Islands. After a week, he said he knew he loved me; I wasn’t sure how I felt at the time but my feelings certainly scared me. I could think of a thousand reasons why it would never work… For starters, I was a Catholic school teacher from South Carolina, and he was a truck driver from Michigan. However, within 24 hours of leaving that ship, I knew my future was with him. Ten months later I moved to Michigan and we were married. He had not only captured my heart, he was the other half of my soul.

My move to Michigan happened in November and brought me quite a shock. I did not realize that a place could be so cold… and for so long! I didn’t realize the reality of the term “so cold it will take your breath away.” I had no idea that snow could fall continuously for days and then stay for months. There was a lot I had to learn about living in such a climate. (I laugh now when I think of how unprepared I was for that first winter.) Before Michigan, I could probably count the number of times I had seen snow on my fingers… this place was a whole new experience.

Bruce had promised he would keep me warm, and he did everything in his power to do so. However, try as he might, he couldn’t warm up a Michigan winter. In South Carolina, by the end of March things are starting to warm up (plus, they are NEVER as cold as Michigan). But in Michigan, there is still snow at the end of March. That was unfathomable to me.

I remember one particular Sunday afternoon that first March. I was standing at the window watching yet another snowstorm roll in and the tears started to roll down my cheeks. I was so conditioned to expect spring in March – cool nights, warm days, flowers, birds, green grass, sunshine… This felt so wrong. I found myself wondering if this interminable gray and cold would last forever.

At that moment, Bruce came up behind me, put his arms around my waist, and pulled me back to lean into him. As he held me, he spoke softly into my ear, “You okay?”

I replied, “No… It’s never going to stop snowing.”

“Do you see that those branches on that bush?” he asked. (I nodded.) “Well, keep watching them, because in about 6 more weeks you will see a miracle. You will see green buds appear and you’ll know that springtime really does happen… even in Michigan.”

I would like to say that I smiled and answered, “Oh thank you, Babe. I will believe you and wait patiently.” But I didn’t… Instead I cried out loud and said, “SIX MORE WEEKS?? Are you kidding me? I’ll never make it!” That poor man… he just held me closer and let me cry.

In the years that followed, we laughed many times thinking back on that story. Every spring he would remind me not to give up hope… spring really WOULD come… even in Michigan.

This is my third spring without Bruce. This year I find myself remembering that story again but comparing it to my life now… my “grief journey” as the books call it. Like Michigan, this path often feels gray and cold, and I find myself wondering if I will ever feel the the renewal and joy that life can offer. Will I ever have that carefree, walk-barefoot-in-the-grass, life-is-wonderful feeling again?

Bruce would say, “Yes.” I can almost hear him tell me to be patient. Spring WILL come back to my life… and if I look REAL close maybe I can start to see those buds on the branches of my life turning green. He would tell me to never give up; there is ALWAYS the promise of spring.

It would seem the only answer here is patience… something I struggle with so I won’t pretend that is an “easy” answer. I am only sharing my thoughts. Because this is OUR community, please feel free to share your thoughts and experiences, too. To do so, go to the comments and leave a note.

Who knows… you may hold the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love and Grief… Where do I belong?

Lost

Time passes,
But I am lost… more now than ever before.
I am on my own.
They are tired.
They don’t want to hear.
They don’t want to know… not anymore
So now I am completely alone… in the dark;
No idea where to turn,
So I turn inward…
I am not allowed to do anything else.
Listen – don’t talk.
Smile – don’t cry.
Those are the expectations.
There is nothing left for me.
No one cares…
why should I?
Linda, September 2, 2014

This week I am taking a chance. Those who have never been on this path may be offended… Please know that is not my purpose or intention. Those who are on this path will know exactly what I am talking about. My goal is to be honest… I simply want to bring this feeling of loneliness out into the open. Otherwise, we can never hope to understand or change it.

Have you ever felt it?… That feeling that you don’t belong? Do you remember ever going somewhere, only to find once you get there, you don’t know ANYONE?
For some people that is not a big deal… It is a challenge and they thrive on it. For others (like myself), it is a HUGE struggle just to maintain composure… The idea of smiling, nodding and making small talk with people – well, that is a whole other ordeal.

I remember reading in several “grief and mourning” books about relationships and how they would change. The books said to expect it. I dreaded it because I already knew what it is like to lose friends just when you need them the most. When I divorced years ago, I lost many friends. People just disappeared from my life. Some left for religious reasons, others because they didn’t want to get involved or “pick sides.” Most puzzling were those that never said a word… They just quietly slipped out of my life.

I could not imagine the same thing happening with a death. Isn’t that when everyone is supposed to support you? Love you? Be there for you?… Well, there ARE those who do exactly that. (I thank God everyday for those people!) But the books were right… there have been a lot of people who have chosen to walk away or just stand silently in the shadows and watch.

I was corresponding with someone dear who recently lost her husband, and I think she put it best, “Until one is there (grieving), the realization of what that means just doesn’t equate…or maybe it is something wives don’t want to know can happen.” I think she may be right… it is as good a theory as any other.

Whatever the reason, the result for the griever is the same – another loss. I already felt so abandoned. Now I was beginning to feel like I didn’t belong anywhere. I still have many days when I feel like I don’t belong… I wonder why I am still here when I feel so completely alone.

I remember in the first few days and weeks after Bruce passed, people called or sent messages that were heartfelt – filled with love and kindness. I have moved several times through the years so friends from far away responded, telling me not to worry… they were coming; they would be here for me. Since I had lived here only a short time, I looked forward to that… I needed them… but they never came. Life moved on and over time, I came to realize it was another quiet retreat from my life.

As time passed, I held on tightly to my friends and family who chose to “be there”… those who have stuck by my side and loved me in spite of myself. I have even made new friends who understand grief and the heartache involved. These people are my lifeline. Their patience and understanding, their ability to just be with me when I am struggling, their love, support and non-judgement… all of these things are a gift and blessing beyond words.

That feeling of not belonging anywhere, though… that feeling lies within me. So many days deep inside, I still feel so lost and alone. I try to understand that most couples don’t feel comfortable with me… I am no longer part of a couple. Single people aren’t real sure what to do with me… I still act married. With families, I feel like the spinster aunt who doesn’t quite fit in but everyone feels obliged to invite. Keep in mind – this is not what anyone says to me.

It is what I seem to say to myself.

Even now at the two year point, I find that I isolate myself because I hate that feeling of being out of place. I have great friends surrounding me these days. So many times they invite me to go somewhere with their family or significant other. Sometimes I go, but more often I decline because I don’t want to be that 5th wheel or tag-along.

In the beginning, some people did avoid me… But now the tables are turned and I am the one doing the avoiding. Now I feel like an intrusion… like I am in the way. I miss having my own life with Bruce. So I try to hold everything in, but that results in me withdrawing further into myself.

My kids who are grown and gone with families and lives of their own are absolutely wonderful. They have been my greatest support. I couldn’t ask for more – they call and reach out to me daily. But even here, the problem is me. I have a hard time acccepting the fact that they are taking care of me emotionally. I am their mother… That’s not their job and I don’t know how to accept that.

This week I have really struggled with this one. I found myself just sitting… wondering why in the world I am still here without Bruce. What is the point? The more I sat and thought about it, the more I spiraled down… the more lost and alone I felt.

I even found myself dwelling on something someone said to me last week. They told me that I have no value – there is nothing special about me. But as I sat there thinking about it, I realized how wrong they are… as down as I may get, I don’t believe that at all. I know I have value… I know I still have a purpose. Coming to that realization, I began to pull myself out of my funk and back into the world. I reached out and found people who were willing to offer the love and support I needed in that moment.

I know these feelings will come again down the road. So, how do I handle this loneliness… these feelings that I don’t belong?

* Well for starters, I know I need to reach out to the people I trust when I am low… BEFORE I spiral down too far. I know I can be honest with those people. I can tell them how I feel or what I may need in that moment. They don’t judge me… they listen and show me that they care.

* Other days I know that “being there” for someone else helps me take my mind off myself… even if it is only temporary.

* And last but not least, I try to be understanding and remember that until it happened to me, I wasn’t very good at dealing with death and grief either. Each of us are doing the best we can… No one can ask for more than that.

This topic is still a day-to-day struggle for me. I do not pretend to have all the answers. I am merely sharing my experiences as they are. Because this is OUR community, please feel free to share your thoughts and experiences, too. To do so, go to the comments and leave a note.

Who knows… you may hold the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love and Grief… How to “get over it”

So Tired

Sometimes I am so tired of thinking;
I keep my thoughts busy to avoid thinking of you.
But that is exhausting…
Will I ever be able to rest;
To just sit … and not spiral down?
I am so tired… so very tired.
~ Linda, March 13, 2015

Do you remember as a kid thinking that when you grew up, you would get to do things your way? No more doing what everyone else told you to do. You would be free! Then what happened? Exactly – you grew up and learned right away that you were wrong… absolutely and completely wrong. Well, grief is like that, too. Before it happens, you think you know what it will be like and how it should be handled. Then… horribly, you learn how very wrong you were. Grief is NOTHING like the world portrays it to be.

When Bruce passed, people were surprised to find me returning to work after 2 weeks. I don’t know if that is strange or not… it was what I needed to do. After 1.5 weeks, I found myself alone and overwhelmed with emotions. I knew enough about myself to know that being alone was not going to be good for me. It was way too quiet. I was sitting at home, staring at the four walls, and all I could think about was Bruce and everything that was now gone. I felt myself spiraling further and further down each day. I knew I needed to be around people. I needed to go back to work. Why work? I needed to go somewhere each day that had not involved Bruce. I needed something in my life that was familiar and not filled with grief – something “normal”… not the “new normal” that everyone kept calling this life without Bruce.

My office is an hour away from our home plus there is very tight security there, so one gets in who doesn’t belong there. That meant, work was a place that held absolutely NO memories of Bruce… he had never been there. I needed that space… at least for a small part of the day. I needed this space that was not filled with grief. Staying busy seemed like a good idea. However, I soon found that I needed to deal with the emotions and grief – I couldn’t ignore them forever. So, I also joined a grief therapy group. I wanted to “get better”… I wanted to “get over it.” You see, I was still under the common assumption, that there are “stages of grief.” Therefore, I just needed to work my way through them and get on with life.

However, there were a few things wrong with this notion. First, those “stages” are actually the stages of dying… while people grieving DO experience a lot of those same emotions, they don’t necessarily fall in any type of order. And many times, they circle back and repeat themselves… over and over. I would find myself thinking I was past a stage only to find myself right back in the same spot weeks later. As I have said before, grief is maddening. It is chaos; there is no rhyme or reason. I soon came to realize that it cannot be handled by a checklist of stages. Since I am a checklist kind of person THAT was hard to accept. Everything I thought I knew about grief was wrong.

Since my experience with grief was not anything like I thought it should be, I began to think there was something wrong with me. Because some of the people around me had the same or similar ideas about grief, they unwittingly reinforced the idea that I must be doing something wrong… why couldn’t I just “close the door on that chapter of my life and move on?”

Thankfully, I also have other people in my life who knew better. They are the reason I am still here… I could not have come this far without them. They were friends. They were co-workers. They were family members… there were even a few strangers in the mix. But more than anything, they were my life-line. They listened. They gave hugs. They held me when I cried, and they were honest about what this grief journey would be like. I needed that… I still do.

I have learned so much about grief in the last two years. In fact, EVERYTHING I thought I knew was wrong. Since it is the purpose of this blog, I’d like to share a little bit of what I have learned.

First and foremost,
1. No two people will have the same experience.
2. Don’t try to compare your grief journey with anyone else’s. (For questions – see #1.)
3. There is no specific amount of time allowed for grief. (For questions – see #1.)
4. Be kind to yourself. Do what you need to do for YOU – not what everyone is telling you to do. (For questions – see #1.)
5. There is no right or wrong way to do this. (For questions – see #1 – 4.)

Despite the intended humor above, I AM trying to make a point. The point is:
No one knows what you need except you. So do THAT… do what you need to do.

I am well aware that there are still people quick to judge and voice an opinion on how I choose to move through this process. For those people, I have to make a choice. I can either:
1. Accept their opinions with a smile (but still ignore it).
2. Make the attempt to help them understand, OR
3. Let them go… This is especially difficult because you are already dealing with loss and who in their right mind would want to deal with more loss? (However, if it reaches unhealthy levels, letting go may be necessary.)

Only you can decide which choice is best… and it will be a different choice with different people.

Once I finally understood all this my question became, “Okay, I am doing all of that… now how much longer? At what point will I get over this? When will this stop?” I hated the answer when I heard it, but deep down I already knew it.

The answer is never… at least not entirely. There is no “getting over it.” That is a terrible myth that creates a lot of unnecessary pain. Try to understand – there is not a switch that can be turned on or off. (Don’t we wish it were that easy?) My understanding from those who are ahead of me on this journey is that as time passes, you learn to live with it… You learn to function around it. It will shape your life in new ways, but ultimately, it will always be a part of who you are.

For a “checklist” person like me, THAT has been a bitter pill to swallow. But experience is teaching me that it is true. I am learning to “dance” with my grief, if you will… to accept what it brings day to day (good or bad) and work through it. I am learning what works well for me and what will pull me down. But the biggest thing I am learning is that I AM moving forward, even if it is baby steps.

This may not be the answer you were looking for when you read the title, but it is the honest answer. There are no empty promises here – only the acceptance of where each person is on this path.

Because this is OUR community, please feel free to share your thoughts and experiences. To do so, go to the comments and leave a note.

Who knows… you may hold the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love and Grief… Be still and know…

My heart struggles to reconcile itself with what my mind knows is real.
~ Linda, October 24, 2013

Last week I said that grief is a maddening experience. It is. It is a time of struggle and emotional chaos as I try to make sense of something that just doesn’t make sense. Everything I thought I knew is gone. I have to relearn how to live. THAT is maddening… THAT is grief.

Each person experiences this differently and has to find their own way… no two are alike. For me, my grief journey ran parallel to my spiritual journey. But since I only have one life… isn’t it all the same? It isn’t like I can travel two paths at once. I learned rather quickly that I am on one path… it is called “life” and it includes many lessons. It is up to me to explore each one and to bring them all together in a way that makes sense for me. This is MY life… this is MY path. This is how I am learning and growing as I work to bring my heart and mind together to create a spirit of peace and love.

From the very beginning, despite my anger and distrust toward God, a certain verse kept running through my mind. This verse has never had any special significance for me in the past, so I have no logical way to explain why it was there… I won’t even try. I simply believe I needed to hear those words in order to survive.

“Be still and know that I am God.”

I wrote them in my journal. I mulled over them in the quiet moments. They were a constant in the back of my mind. And despite my anger, I couldn’t make them go away. There was something there for me – I felt it. I was looking for comfort… something to bring peace to my soul. I came to believe that the secret was somewhere in these words. It was… but probably not in the way most people might think.

It wasn’t about church or religion. It wasn’t about “do’s” and “don’ts.” It was so much deeper than that.

I grew up in the church, directed church choirs, taught Sunday School and even taught in a parochial school for years. God and religion had always a part of my life. However, many years ago, (before Bruce passed away), I chose to walk away from organized religion and seek my own spiritual path to God. It has been a long road. It’s probably no surprise, but Bruce’s death really tried my faith in so many ways that I almost walked away from my faith completely. But his life, his death and the struggles that followed have led me to a faith that I know without a doubt is completely mine. It is not based on what others tell me to think or do. It is not based on rules. It is much more simple. It is merely a philosophy and a way of living my life with God as my source of energy.

I know it may sound crazy. After all, how can spiritual matters be so simple? But I came to this point by watching Bruce and reflecting on how he lived such a genuine life with no pretense… no games.

You would not find Bruce at church on a Sunday morning. Nope… On Sundays, you could find him sitting in his lounge chair with his coffee and his Sudoku watching Meet the Press. But I have never known anyone to live a life more true to the principles of God, acceptance and unconditional love. He was not a complicated man. He had a sweet, gentle spirit and a simple faith. I watched him place a cross in his pocket each morning and heard him pray every night. Then he just lived what he believed – no sermons or lectures, no push for anyone to think his way. He just lived it. To him, it was that simple.

So back to those words that kept going through my head, “Be still and know that I am God.” I kept trying to figure out what I needed to get out of those words. For a long time after Bruce died, I couldn’t even pray… I was too angry. I didn’t want to be still, and I certainly didn’t want to “hear” anything from God. (I wasn’t interested in anything he might have to say.)

One day, though, while reading one of Bruce’s books on philosophy and spiritualism, it hit me. This verse doesn’t say anything about God talking or me listening. It simply says to be still. It was describing meditation – a practice of sitting quietly, breathing deeply and purposely NOT thinking. It is about clearing your mind; not filling it. It is an age old practice of simply being in that specific moment. Then letting your breath carry you to the next moment and then the next.
That was exactly what I needed… to slow down… to be still. As I started a daily practice of meditation, my anxiety lessened and my peace grew. By learning to be still, both physically and mentally, I learned to reconnect to my God. But this time it is different… it is a connection of spirit and peace. It is not about rules or being good enough… those aren’t even concerns. As Wayne Dyer says, it is about the fact that I am “a spiritual being having a physical experience; not a physical being having a spiritual experience.”

Through those quiet, still moments, I have learned to let go of my anger. I am learning to trust God again. I believe that he is my Source, and this life as we see it, is not all there is. There is more… so much more.

Do I believe everyone thinks this way? Of course not.

Do I think they should? That’s not my call… it is up to each person how they choose to think and live.

However, if you are struggling with grief or loss, meditation may be a simple way to regain a part of your life. It has nothing to do with religion… These practices are a physical exercise like running or walking.

So how will it help? Meditation and deep breathing have been proven scientifically to reduce anxiety and stress. People use it everyday, including performers, therapists, etc. In fact, one of the big quotes making the rounds today is “Just breathe.” Why? Because it is true… it works.

When we suffer the loss of anything important or significant in our lives, (even when we know logically it may be for the best), our anxiety goes up. Physically, it means our blood pressure goes up, our adrenaline goes up and the flow of blood to our brain goes down. Our ability to focus and think rationally decreases. Does this happen to everyone? In varying degrees, the answer appears to be yes.

For me, meditation has been invaluable. It has helped me to regain peace, focus and composure, even on those “bad” days when the grief is more than I think I can bear. All I need to do is breathe… meditate… and just let go.

I have learned to be still and know…

Peace…

This is my story but this is our community… the place to share our experiences. To share your story or thoughts, please go to the comments and leave a note, comment or question.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief