Two things about last week… I spent the weekend with family having a marvelous time. I think… No, I know, after losing Bruce, I realized just how precious each moment spent with loved ones truly is, so I savored every precious moment. I hope you understand that and also understand that while I had stuff to say here, focusing on my time there was what I needed to do.
That was the first thing… The second thing is about the stuff I wanted to say here… and since time was on my side, here I am.
I spent the week before last reading a book called, The Measure, by Nikki Erlick. (If you haven’t read it, I highly recommend it. If you have read it, then you can probably guess why I am mentioning it here.)
The premise of the book is that each person receives a box on their 22nd birthday with a note that states, “The measure of your life lies within.” Inside the box is a string, which accurately predicts the length of that person’s life.
Soon, the world is divided into “Long Stringers” and “Short Stringers”. As often happens in this human world whenever there is a difference among us, one group is determined to be “better” and the other is suddenly “less than”. (Kind of like the old Dr. Suess book about Sneetches.) This isn’t anything new. It is a phenomenon that has been around throughout history. And that judgement has been based on anything from skin color to gender to religion to nationality. If there are humans, there is “them” vs “us”.
This book simply finds a way to point it our human obsession with division in a way that is unlikely to ever be true, allowing the reader to process the information without feeling guilty or called out on our own judgements.
In the story, it is the Short Stringers who do not “measure up”. They are the ones left fighting for an equal chance at life. For example, economically, they are denied bank loans and good jobs. Socially, most people don’t want to be involved with someone who they know will die first, and the relationships that involve both types of strings present a whole new list of circumstances to wade through.
I wasn’t far into the book before I started thinking about how Bruce would have been a Short Stringer, and I would be a Long Stringer. There were times when I had to put the book down and just process the ridiculousness of measuring the worth of life simply by its length with no thought to how that a person might impact the world… no thought to how (perhaps) a person might die so that someone else can survive. Usually, we would call these people heroes, but in this book, how many lives were now cut short out of society’s fear and need to control… How many times do our own real-life actions do the same?
Bruce was my hero. His impact on myself and my kids will have an effect for generations to come. That is a life well-lived. His non-judgmental, unconditional love changed my life and changed my kids’ lives, which means it likely changed not just the grandchildren’s lives but also anyone we encounter… and the people they encounter.
Like the pebble thrown into a lake, the ripples he created move outward in larger and larger circles still. What a legacy he left behind! He didn’t have to preach to do it; he just made the choice to quietly live a life filled with compassion and kindness. Again… my hero.
“That the beginning and the end may have been chosen for us, the string already spun, but the middle had always been left undetermined, to be woven and shaped by us.” ~ Nikki Erlick, The Measure
So, when I said that I had to put the book down at times just to process what I was reading, I’m not kidding. Throughout the book, the characters, both Long and Short Stringers are constantly challenged with choices, and just like in our current world, a lot of the choices that might seem ordinary to some are monumental to others.
In my own life, this was made most clear after Bruce died. So many things in life that I had simply taken for granted, were suddenly blocked as I was unexpectedly forced to manage life on my own. Suddenly, I knew what it was like to be the “unseen” … the “less worthy”. I wasn’t those things. I knew I wasn’t, but there were so many circumstances where that was the how I was treated.
It took a long time working with a wonderful life coach and several therapists for me to learn how to stand my own ground… to hold my own space… to know that Bruce was right all those years when he would tell me that I held the key within myself – I am the one that teaches the world how to treat me when I either lay down and give in or stand up and keep my head high… and he always encouraged me to hold my head high. Again… my hero.
“I arise in the morning torn between a desire to save the world and a desire to savor the world. That makes it hard to plan the day.” ~ Nikki Erlick, The Measure
So even though I closed that book for the last time a week ago, its impact has continued to be on my mind all week. I keep thinking about Bruce’s “short string” and my (evidently) “long string”. I don’t know if most of us will ever realize the impact of our “ordinary” lives on the world… I don’t think Bruce did. However, I pray that my impact will be at least half of what his was, because despite the brevity, his was a life very well lived.
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Grief is a daily challenge that changes us in ways we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone.
I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.
Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone.
Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*
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