peace – Page 30 – Peace, Love & Grief

Peace, Love and Grief… One Step at a Time

Alone… Is this a test?
I think I am failing.
I want to move past the sadness.
I want to find the blessings.
But every time I come back to
Being alone…

~ Linda, October 2013

I have put off writing this week until the last minute (or what feels like the last minute). It’s not that I don’t know what to say… It’s that I have so much to say and I’m not sure how to say it in a way that makes sense.

There is a part of me that seems to always dread this time of year, because this month starts a series of major days and holidays… all in a row – one on top of the next. It starts with Halloween, then moves to our anniversary, Thanksgiving, my birthday, Christmas, the anniversary of our meeting, New Years and the anniversary of Bruce’s death.

Anyone who has grieved deeply knows how hard the holidays and big events can be when you find yourself alone. There is an unrelenting sadness when you realize you are no longer able to share those days with the person you have shared your life with for so long. For me, the next few months will be an emotional roller coaster as I go from one event to the next… all without Bruce… for the sixth time. (Yes, I am still counting, and yes, it still makes me sad.)

The first year I ignored as many of these holidays as possible. It hurt too much to imagine celebrating anything without Bruce. So, I hid and let the world do its thing while I pretended not to notice. I closed my door, turned off the radio or left town… Whatever it took to keep those reminders away.

You might be surprised to know, but it was actually pretty easy to do. The world starts getting very busy this time of year… Most people don’t really notice when you choose to disappear from the craziness. I’m not sure if that is a good or a bad thing, but it was what I needed to do that first year.

The next year, I decided I wanted to try to join the world… at least with my kids and my grandson. So, I joined them for as many of these days as possible and spent the rest with friends. The problem for me, however, was the timing of everything… As soon as I got past one event, I had to mentally prepare for the next… There just didn’t seem to be a chance to heal or even breathe in between.

While it was a relief to be a part of everything and not be alone, when all was said and done, I was emotionally drained. Months later, I listened to a recording taken at the end of that time period, and I didn’t even sound coherent. But while I may have been a mess, I had done it! I had survived!

Thankfully, time is a kind friend, and each year has brought more healing and a stronger me. That doesn’t mean, the emotions aren’t there… I am still sad… I still miss my Bruce… And this week, I found myself crying several times as I contemplated what is ahead.

This year as Halloween approaches and the holiday commercials start to air on TV, I am faced once again with an overwhelming relay of events. All week I have had that inner dialogue going… I’m sure you know what I mean…

In my self-development seminars or when coaching individuals, I discuss that inner dialogue… That angel and devil thing we laugh at in cartoons. Why do we laugh? Because we have all experienced it at one time or another. For most of us, though, it isn’t necessarily a temptation thing – a good or evil thing.

Usually it presents itself as one “voice” that sounds more like, “Why bother?” “What’s the point?” “You’ll never be able to do that.” In other words, it is a self-defeating voice. It is based on our fears, negative emotions, and low energy. It is not based in reality. It does not build resilience and does not move us forward. In fact, it is happiest if we stay where we are or even take a few steps back.

Then, there is the other, kinder “voice.” It is encouraging. It is not based on our fears but on our passions, goals and what is real. It is healthy and nurturing. Its purpose is to build resilience and help us move forward… To live life – even if it is just one small step at a time.

This week the dialogue battling within me has been one of dreading the upcoming months, while realizing that all I really need to do is face this the same way I have faced cancer this year… one step at a time – no more. I have learned that when I try looking too far down the road, I become intimidated. Then, my fear of what is ahead leads me to question my ability to make it through. Reminding myself to slow down, and just focus on the step ahead has been my saving grace this year.

I remember right after Bruce died… The idea of spending the rest of my life without him – alone – seemed very intimidating. Most days I didn’t even want to try… that road ahead looked never ending. It took me a while to tune out that self-defeating voice and start listening to that kinder, gentler voice that encouraged me to take one small step and then another.

In my family, the women seem live quite a long time, so I figure I have another 50+/- years to go… without him. That is a long time. It can be quite daunting if I let myself dwell on it too long. But, I am learning not to look that far down the road. I am learning to just breathe and take it one day and one step at a time.

I am learning…

That is what I have been telling myself this week. I am still learning. It’s okay if I have a few hard moments or stumble a little. The trick is not to let myself dwell on the upcoming months and everything they entail… that would be too much to handle without the possibility of spiraling down. down.

Each year, I heal a little more… and learn a little more about taking this journey one small step at a time… And for me, that will be the only way to get through the journey ahead.

Walk through your fears…
~ Linda, October 2013

What about you? Did you or have you struggled with the loneliness of spending the holidays without you loved one? Have you felt abandoned or left behind as the world celebrates in a whirlwind around you? You’re not alone… None of us are! Are you will to share how you came to terms with it? Or do you still need support in that area? Would you be willing to share your story or your thoughts?

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

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Peace, Love and Grief… Be the change

“Be the living expression of God’s kindness;
kindness in your face,
kindness in your eyes,
kindness in your smile.”
~ St. (Mother) Teresa of Calcutta

I remember when this whole journey began. (It’s almost been 6 years now… but who’s counting?) At first, I was so raw… so numb… so lost. For the first few weeks, I felt like I was in a dream. This couldn’t be real… Surely, I was going to wake up at some point and everything would be as it was. (The only thing I knew would be different was – I would be even more appreciative of the gift that was my husband… If that was even possible.)

But, that didn’t happen… Life just kept moving forward… without my Bruce.

As the months passed, more and more people fell off the radar for one reason or another. Most things I read told me this was normal… to expect it to start at about the three to four month range. According to what I read, many couples would back away, because I was no longer “a couple.” (Although, most widows will tell you, we still feel like “a couple.”) Other sources listed many other reasons, such as:

1. People probably felt I was doing really well and didn’t need their support any longer.
2. Some people didn’t know how to offer more support, since they had never experienced this themselves.
3. Some people get tired or uncomfortable with the whole death/grief thing.
4. Who knows why people do what they do!… Maybe they are going through their own struggles.

To be fair, I believe most of the people I knew simply didn’t understand it, because they hadn’t been through it. In hind sight, I don’t believe they meant to be cruel or hurtful. While I may have felt stuck, their lives had continued to move on at full speed. However, at the time, I could not understand this.

So as more months passed, and I watched more and more people walk out of my life… I began to get hurt… I felt lonely… and abandoned… and definitely angry. I had already lost my husband. Was everyone else going to abandon me, too?

Here is the problem with that line of thinking…

The more I focused on the hurt and negative feelings, the more negative things I found to upset me. It didn’t take long for me to spiral down and become the very thing I never wanted to be – an angry, bitter, cynical old woman. Life began to look bleak… It no longer held any hope.

This only increased my focus on the negative. Before I realized what was happening, my connections with other people almost stopped completely. I found myself only opening up to a very small handful of friends and family (who chose to love me despite my negative outlook).

This was where I found myself about 10 months after Bruce died, and I was at my lowest I had ever been… I had given up on people and life… I had stopped caring… Life had taken on the form of waking up, going through the motions and sleeping. Then, waking up only to do all over again the next day.

I’m not sure why, but at this point, I pulled out one of Bruce’s favorite CD series – Wayne Dyer’s The Secrets of the Power of Intention. I did not know it at the time, but this would become my first step out of this downward spiral that had taken over my life. There was a lot of great information in this series, but the piece of information I needed to hear most was…

“When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.”

WOW! What a simple statement, and yet, how true! As soon as I heard it, I knew he was speaking to me. I had become completely focused on all I had lost and was losing… on all the hurt and feelings of abandonment. Because of that, I had stopped noticing the good things all around me… the little blessings available in each moment.

So, this is where things started to change. As I “changed the way I looked at things,” the way I viewed those things (as well as my life) began to change, as well.

The next step was inevitable, I began to realize that if more people would learn to do this, maybe our world would not be filled with so many hurt, offended, negative souls. But how could I take this knowledge and make a difference? I knew I could only change myself. So, how could I make another change within myself, that might make a bigger difference in the world around me?

Well… ask God a question, and he will always give you an answer. And a few days later, there it was… I was reading some writings from Ghandi, when one seemed to call out to me as the answer to my quandary…

“Be the change you want to see.”

WOW! (Again!) How is it the simplest statements have the most profound advice? And so it began, another change, another step. Now instead of wishing someone else would think more kindly, behave kinder, or speak with more kindness, I learned to observe, say nothing (the hardest part for me), and alter my own actions to reflect what I wanted to see instead.

These two changes in my thought patterns and behavior began to build on each other. The more I altered how I looked at things, the easier it became to actually be the change I wanted to see. And the more I worked on “being the change,” the easier it became to see others in a more positive light.

Through the years, I have worked my way out of that deep, downward spiral. There are days when it is still a process for me. However, while I have my moments when I am not as successful at protecting my attitude, I am continually doing better and better… On those occasions when I find myself spiraling down, I am able to catch it and turn it around. I know that when I remember to “be the change I want to see,” my whole viewpoint on life and people becomes more positive as well…

When I remember that the divine energy within me can become a divine reality for someone else by simply being the love and acceptance I am seeking from the world around me, then I know my life has purpose again because I am able to make a difference.

Polish your heart
so that it reflects
God’s love
to the world around you
~ Linda, February 2016

What about you? Did you or have you struggled with frustration with the world around you? Have you felt abandoned or left behind as the world moves on? You’re not alone… None of us are! Are you will to share how you came to terms with it? Or do you still need support in that area? Would you be willing to share your story or your thoughts?

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love and Grief… Finding Peace After the Anger

“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” ~ Psalm 147:3

The other day as I dropped off my grandson for school, I started thinking about my own rides to school as a child…

Back then, we lived way out in the country with a one-hour bus ride to school (and that was if the bridges weren’t open for the boat traffic). While I prefer to think about those “happy laughter” or “sweet sentimental” memories, one of my most distinct memories of those endless bus rides was actually one of anger… or to be more blunt – pure rage.

I was about six years old, and it was on the bus ride home. I had saved the seat next to me for my sister. (After all, I was a first grader who idolized her big sister. Where else would she want to sit except by me? Right?) Now, keep a few things in mind, I was a bit timid as a child… I was that kid who hid behind my mother’s skirts when she tried to introduce me to new people. And at my first piano recital, I refused to play until my sister came and sat on the bench next to me, blocking the audience from my sight.

That day, as I waited with my hand on the seat next to me to save it, a high school girl I didn’t know (and was sure I wouldn’t like), moved my hand and sat down anyway. I remember feeling instantly indignant. “I’m saving that seat for my sister,” I told her.

“Your sister’s already sitting in the back,” she said. “… With her friends,” she added as she looked the other way. I remember standing up and looking back. Sure enough. there was my sister laughing and talking with her friends. I was instantly so incredibly angry. I looked at the girl next to me who smiled, and got even angrier… And then, I did it… I bit her forearm… Actually, it was more than a bite… I latched on and refused to let go until she had to get off the bus about 30 minutes later!

That poor girl! If I were her, I would have labeled me a brat and hated me. I definitely would not want to ever sit next to me again.

But that is not what happened… Not even close. Instead, she not only sat with me day after day, I remember her going out of her way to be kind to me. I remember her saving me a seat when she got there first, and on other occasions, asking about my day or whatever I brought for show and tell. I remember her sitting with me and making those long bus rides fun… And through those long, endless rides, as she listened to me or made me giggle, I began to feel valued… and I learned to love her. Funny, I can’t remember her name now, but I will always remember the impact she had on me that year.

So why am I sharing this story here?

Because as I reminisced, I started thinking about the only other time I remember feeling abandoned, helpless, and filled with rage at something I couldn’t change… And that was when Bruce died. It was that same feeling I had when I looked at the back of the bus and realized my dreams for this journey weren’t going to happen.

While I denied it at the time, I was so absolutely angry with God. I begged, I cried, I cursed, I shook my fists, and eventually, I just decided to turn my back on him, since it felt like he had already turned his back on me.

I was done! … Or was I?

As time passed, and I started working on healing and on myself, I found that my faith was too much a part of me to ignore or abandon. But, I also realized that my faith wasn’t really my own… All those years it was really just a carbon copy of what I had been told… In other words, it wasn’t my faith or beliefs at all. It was like it belonged to someone else, and I had just picked it up and put it in my pocket.

I remember dreaming about Bruce one night when I was still so angry. In the dream, Bruce was telling me that God was real, but he wasn’t the God I thought he was… He told me God wasn’t a God of anger and judgement. Instead, he was a God of love and compassion. In my dream I was so doubtful, and that is how I woke up… But what I knew was I needed to figure out for myself what I believed… Then, maybe I could let go of the anger… And if I could let go of the anger, maybe – just maybe – I could start to heal.

I would love to say, it was an overnight transformation, but it wasn’t… not even close. It has taken years… Years of starting from a clean slate and figuring things out from scratch… Years of making my own discoveries and building my own faith… Years of learning to be comfortable when my idea of God and faith doesn’t match up with the mainstream “church.”

But through those years, I have learned a lot. My faith is my own… I don’t need to explain it or rationalize it to anyone… And the best part has been the peace I have acquired…

Like the high school girl, who chose to be patient with me and show me love and friendship and ultimately made me feel valued and loved, God never turned his back on me… Instead, he waited. He let me rant, and he loved me anyway… His shoulders were big enough to handle my rage and my doubts… And instead of punishing me (as I had been taught to believe), he waited patiently as I figured things out for myself.

I still miss Bruce. I still cry when I let myself think about him too much. BUT the anger and rage are no longer there… Instead, there is a peace that comes from within… A peace in knowing that he is still beside me… A peace in knowing that my faith is one built on what I know, and not what someone else has told me. And while I may not understand or like what has happened, I know God didn’t cause it, and he doesn’t like it either… And I am not alone… He hurts when I hurt… And I believe…

“There is a peace that comes with acceptance, and a love that is always remembered.” ~ Linda, September 2013

What about you? Did you experience that anger and rage after you lost your loved one? Do you still struggle with those emotions? Finding our way out of those emotions is going to be different for each of us. How do you deal with it? Would you be willing to share your story or your thoughts?

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love and Grief… What’s Important

“It’s in the things we lose that we discover what we most treasure.”
~ Adriana Trigiani, The Shoemaker’s Wife

I’m not sure I have ever read a truer statement.

Before Bruce died, I knew I loved him, and I knew he love me… I knew the love we shared was unconditional, and I never doubted it was a “forever thing.”

But…

It wasn’t until he was gone that I realized what a treasure we had together. And it wasn’t until he was gone that I started looking at the world in a different light. In other words, what really started happening was this… I started dividing the world into what is important and what isn’t.

I always knew my family and friends were the important things in my life, but now I came to see them as my treasure… What I hold dear and will defend above all else. Don’t get me wrong… I haven’t given up my “earthly possessions” or taken a vow of poverty – I absolutely love this home which Bruce and I shared, and the things here that trigger so many precious memories… But it is the memories that make those things precious, not the things themselves.

Yet even those things don’t hold a candle to the people I love who are right beside me and in my heart. These people I love are what is important… They are my treasure… They are my priority in each moment.

But, that’s not the end of it…

I’ll admit that since Bruce died there are things which still upset me, but it’s different now. Now those things have more to do with how we, as a society, treat each other these days… The cruel things people say and do towards each other, while rationalizing their “right” to behave that way.

I don’t understand it… And, honestly, I don’t want to.

Maybe it is where I grew up, but I was raised to believe in “loving one another” and “treating others the way you want to be treated.” For me this means showing respect towards each person whether I agree with them or not… And it truly hurts my heart when I see any of us behaving otherwise.

We have all heard the idea that “life is too short, so if you love someone tell them.”

Well, I think we need to take that a step further… When Bruce died, I came face to face with exactly how short this life can be, and found myself looking at what is important in my life… And it isn’t just the people I know and love…

It is all of us… All of us with our crazy backgrounds and histories… All of us with our own particular baggage and experiences… All of us with our differing religious beliefs and political views… All of us with our different cultures, languages, and races… I mean – all of us.

When everything else is stripped away… When all is said and done… We are just people – each deserving of respect and love…

And that, my friends, is our treasure in this life… That is what is important…

So, I would challenge all of us today with this idea, “Life is too short. Focus on what is truly important – people… all people… And treat everyone with respect and love.”

“No tree has branches so foolish as to fight amongst themselves.” ~ Native American Proverb

What about you? After you lost your loved one, have you struggled with the way people tend to treat each other? How do you deal with it? Or do you need support in that area? Would you be willing to share your story or your thoughts?

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love and Grief… This Moment

If this moment weren’t important,
I wouldn’t be here for it.
~ Linda, January 2014

I have a piece of paper taped to my work laptop which reads, “I am grateful for this moment.” It’s not that I am an ungrateful person, but sometimes on this journey I need to be reminded that each moment is a gift unto itself.

As much as I hate to admit it, there are times when it is easy to fall into the trap of “why me” or “here we go again” when life happens. Do you know what I mean? Life throws us curveballs… Things go wrong. And if I let myself focus on those things… Well, then that is all I see.

We have all been through tough times. Most likely, if you are reading this, it is because you have experienced loss as one (or more) of your “tough times.” Like everyone else, I have had my fair share of “tough times,” too… Some harder to get through than others… Some more taxing physically, and others more taxing emotionally. While my current path is more physical, it has also held its emotional challenges, as well.

I will say though; Bruce’s death was the most challenging one of all… and still is. It isn’t something I have been able to just walk away from and forget. It seems to have left such in impact on my very soul that it continues to influence my day to day life.

This week I found myself reading Mitch Albom’s book, The Time Keeper – a beautiful story about learning to appreciate the time we are given. The story is about three people – Father Time, a dying man who wants to extend his time here, and a teenage girl who wants to end her time here. I loved the story; it was sweet and beautiful. But it wasn’t until I got close to the end, that I made a connection to my own life. There is a three-sentence conversation near the end of the book, which struck me in its simple truth…

“There is a reason God limits our days.” “Why?” “To make each one precious.” – Mitch Albom, The Timekeeper

Wow! Such a reminder… I know when I look back on our time together, each moment… even the most simple ones are precious to me. In fact, the more simple the moment… the more precious it seems to be. I love remembering the moments when Bruce would simply reach across the car to hold my hand. Or the times he would grin at me, and I knew he was up to no good. Or the times he would look at me across the room, and without a word, we both knew what the other was thinking.

Those moments mean the world to me, and I am so grateful for each one. The funny thing is, though, I didn’t realize how precious they were at the time… They have become more precious now, because they can never be repeated… They were limited.

Yet, I know I need to appreciate the fact that they happened, and not get caught up in the fact that they cannot be repeated. In other words, I also need to appreciate the moment I am in… not just the moments that are over… I have to remember to be “grateful for this moment”… and be willing to live in it fully and completely.

When you are grieving, though, that is the hard part. It is hard to willingly take that step forward into “what is” versus hanging on to “what was”. And no matter what others say or do, it is a journey you must figure out for yourself… not by yourself, but for yourself.

Sometimes I believe the universe has a way of driving a point home, because my devotions this week also focused on living now… on being fully and completely in each moment as it comes. I don’t want to preach at you, so I will simply share some of the quotes that touched my heart this week from the Daily Devotional: The Word for You Today…

“The first step is always the longest step and the hardest. You can’t just take a step forward into the future; you also have to eliminate the possibility of moving backward into the past.”

“To begin a new chapter, you must end an old chapter.”

And the one, I know I must keep close to my heart…

“To be fully alive is to be fully present.”

Being fully alive and fully present in each moment can be a challenge even in the best of times. And when loss is involved, being present and willing to move forward is hard. Period.

Finding the balance between remembering, letting go, and finding the trust to step forward is not intuitive or easy… At least, not for me. It is a one-day-at-a-time proposition, and some days are easier than others. And honestly, whenever another crisis hits, (and it does because life keeps going), it can be even harder…

But I am learning…

And I am striving each day to live up to Maya Angelou’s saying…

“This is a wonderful day. I’ve never seen this one before.”

I love the quiet before the world wakes up.
The stillness in the air
As if the entire world were holding its breath
In anticipation of what this new day will bring.
~Linda, September 2013

What about you? Do you ever struggle to find the balance of remembrance and moving forward? How do you deal with it? Or do you still need support in that area? Would you be willing to share your story or your thoughts?

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love and Grief… What is the opposite of sad?

Through this blog I have met (both virtually and physically) many other widows. The conversation each time is eerily similar to the topics discussed here… While my experience is mine, it is also very similar to thousands of other widows’ (and widowers’) experiences… That is one of the reasons I started writing this… I needed to know and I wanted others to know that we are not alone… Our experiences are more “normal” than one could have ever imagined.

While I have gotten better at ignoring it, I have found over the past several years there is one consistent theme which can be very frustrating… The idea that after a certain amount of time has passed, we shouldn’t be sad. This can be worded several different ways, and I have written about those before… I have heard everything from the direct, “Don’t be sad…”

“… You’re not the only one to ever lose someone.”

“… He’s in a better place.”

“… You know you can choose to feel better or have a better attitude.”

“… It looks weak.”

“… Be strong.”

“… What will others think?”

To the craziest one, “You have to stop being sad, because I (the other person) can’t handle it anymore.”

In the beginning, these phrases made me nuts… maybe even angry at times. I was grieving. I was sad. Why couldn’t people understand that and simply walk beside me for a while? A genuine, caring hug could go such a long way, but the only people who seemed to understand that were those who had walked this journey before me…

As time has passed, I have come to realize that this reaction most likely stems from several things, but the two main components seem to be: 1 – They haven’t been where I am and have absolutely no frame of reference for the pain; 2 – It is a real struggle for them to watch someone they love hurt so intensely, while knowing they can’t fix it.

In other words, it is a response born out of desperation and fear. I can actually understand that… That makes sense to me. I believe they aren’t as frustrated with me as with their own inability to “make it better.”

What they don’t realize (and why it hurts so badly on this end) is these responses feel as if they invalidate our pain and our loss. Plus, there is something else they don’t realize… Something it took me years to realize…

Even when you get to the point where your grief is not the only emotion in your world… Even when you have learned to smile again, you realize that just because you are not sad all the time, doesn’t necessarily mean you are happy. Simply put, despite what we learned as children, the opposite of sad is not necessarily happy. This particular journey in life is a bit different… It shakes you down to your core and changes you in ways you can’t understand.

So, I propose something I learned from a Harvard psychology professor… “The opposite of sad may not be happy. It may simply be ‘not sad.’” Happy, on the other hand, is a completely different emotion, and its opposite may be “not happy.”
I’m sure there are some people who might argue this. However, there are also a few who will understand… and most of those will be those of us who have actually experienced the grief of deep loss.

Before I lost Bruce, “happy” was my norm. Now, “happy” is an experience… “Neutral” seems to be my norm most of the time… a quiet, peaceful enjoyment of the people around me… For me, that is my opposite of sad.

While I am sure there are those who don’t understand or agree… Since “neutral” is not “happy,” they might interpret it as “sad.” Perhaps, they have trouble understanding this because they want us to be as we were before. However, I can never be as I was before… I can’t un-feel this pain that has reshaped my life.

I am still me, but I am different now. Bruce will always be a part of me… and a part of me will always grieve his loss. For me, I have found that the opposite of sad has been simply learning to open my heart to other emotions…

It is learning to be at peace with “what is” rather than grieving for “what was.”

There is a peace that comes with acceptance.
And a love that is always remembered.
~ Linda, September 2013

What about you? Did you or have you struggled with other’s reaction to your loss? How did you come to terms with it? Or do you still need support in that area? Would you be willing to share your story or your thoughts?

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love and Grief… My Grove

Most of us have heard of the infamous redwood trees of northern California. They are some of the tallest trees in the world. These trees can reach heights of over 350 feet tall. This last week, however, I learned something new (to me) about these amazing trees. While their height is incredible, their root system is actually quite shallow. There is no tap root. In fact, their root system is only six – twelve feet deep, with a typical root only about one inch in diameter.

So, considering their size and lifespan, (these trees can live up to 2000 years), how on earth, (no pun intended), do they manage to stay upright? That seems impossible to me.

But here’s the trick… The root system on these trees spreads outward about 50 – 80 feet, and these trees grow in groves. In other words, their roots end up intermingling with each other, and they literally hold each other up! How amazing! And what a lesson for me!

There have been so many times in my life when things got tough, and I tried to go it alone only to find I couldn’t… I need the support of those around me… Those who love and care for me…In other words, I need my grove to hold me up, too.

When Bruce died, if not for the support of the people around me, I don’t know if I would have found my way out of the depression that accompanied my grief. The crazy thing is not only were they there for me, but I was there for them. What?

Yes… There were many times when I couldn’t figure out why I was still here without Bruce, when someone I love would call or come by because they needed me. Maybe all they needed was a listening hear or a hug, or maybe they actually needed a hand with something… It didn’t matter. What mattered was the fact that I was needed… There was a reason I am still here, and that was important… It helped me as much (if not more) than it helped them.

This latest turn in my path has found me dependent on the people around me once again. Only this time, it has been mostly physical dependence. There are so many things I just can’t do right now due to the restrictions that go along with my treatments. But that’s really not all… This crazy cancer thing has taken a toll on me emotionally, as well.

In fact, this morning I found myself in tears… This Tuesday will be round three of chemo. While it hasn’t been as bad as I thought it would be, each round leaves me feeling like I have the flu, plus all the other side effects which seem to switch and change with each dose.

I was trying to explain my dread to someone this week… I’ve had the flu, but only twice in my adult life that I can remember. I remember it was terrible. But since there was a lot of time between bouts, I didn’t remember exactly what it was like when I got sick the second time. Plus, I didn’t know it was coming. But this… I know this is coming, and the memory is fresh… I am barely recovering from one dose when it is time for the next.

To be honest, I am already tired… Just thinking of doing this again (and again…) makes me cry. It probably sounds terrible, but I’m just over it… I don’t want to do this again. I am at a point where I just want to quit… And that is where my tears came from this morning.

I found myself thinking if Bruce were here, he would have a way of making me feel like we could do this… I know him… He would make me feel like he was carrying a part of this burden, as well. Then, I started thinking about why I agreed to do all this crazy treatment in the first place…

It is because I have people who love and care for me… I need them, and they need me. Our roots are as intermingled as those huge redwoods… And this week, as I go through another round of chemical cocktails and the after effects that linger for weeks, they will be here… They can’t do it for me, but I am not alone…

I have a grove to hold me up through this coming storm… And our love for each other is greater than my fear of what is ahead.

What about you? Did you or have you ever struggled with the idea of facing something that feels overwhelming? How did you come to terms with it? Or do you still need support in that area? Would you be willing to share your story or your thoughts?

We all know this isn’t easy, but you aren’t alone! We are here… Let us be your grove.

This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love and Grief… Finding Gratitude

This has been one of those weeks where all I can think about is how blessed I am…

This week I received news that my childhood neighbors’ daughter had passed away. She was so young with so much of life ahead. My heart is broken for her family and the pain they must feel at this point. While every loss is different, pain is pain… And I remember that pain.

For me, throughout this journey, there are have been days (even weeks and months in the beginning) where I try as I might, I couldn’t see any light at the end of the tunnel. The simple act of getting through a day was all the action I could muster when it came to moving forward and healing. There were times when each day seemed to blend into the next… one gray day after another… I couldn’t seem to find anything to offer hope.

Yet hope was what I needed, because growth and change can’t happen without it. Hope is what gives us the energy to keep trying and the belief that things WILL improve.

It took some time, but I can definitely say I eventually found the hope I needed to pull myself out. Yes, there are still days where I flounder… There are still days when I don’t understand why, and when I would give anything to have Bruce here by my side. But, even then, I can usually find my way back to a positive space.

As I thought about it this week, I came to realize how many people have been there to help me through those tough times. In the beginning, it was so easy to get caught up in who wasn’t there. But that wasn’t really fair… I had no idea what was going in their world or why things happened as they did. Instead, the important thing is who has been there.

Also, here is the other thing, it really wasn’t what anyone said that made a difference… It was the gift of presence… The gift of just being there. Granted, there were people who wanted to “say the right thing,” and I understand that desire. But honestly, there is no “right thing” to say. When you lose someone, it hurts… The pain is awful! And there are no words that can make that pain stop… not one word. Instead, those words would usually just shut me down, which was worse.

In fact, I would say that the greater the pain, the fewer words are actually needed… Instead, just give me that gift of presence… That willingness for someone else to come alongside and share the pain… That was the greatest gift given to me by so many people… And that is a gift I am so grateful for on this end.

But that’s not all…

When I received the news of my neighbor’s death this week, there were things mentioned about not questioning “God’s plan” and fighting the urge to “correct God.” I know a lot of people think about death this way… Shoot, I did too when Bruce first died… and all it did was make me very angry at God.

It took me a long time to realize, God doesn’t work like that… To my way of thinking, he doesn’t like death either… It was never a part of his original plan. In fact, according to my faith, He has still provided a “loop hole” (if you will), when it comes to life and death. In other words, He gets it! He hurts when we hurt… He understands our pain, and he would never create that… So, no, I don’t believe God moves us around on some giant game board until he decides our time is over. That would be a God I wouldn’t be very interested in… period.

Instead, as I was reading my devotions this week, I came across several verses about the blessings God gives us, and they touched my heart. For example, here are a couple:

“In all things, God works for the good of those who love him.” ~ Romans 8:28

“I will bless you with a future filled with hope – a future of success, not suffering.” ~ Jeremiah 29:11

It took me years to let go of old beliefs and get to this understanding. However, by doing so, hope came back in my horizon, and that has meant a world of difference to me. To understand, there is a God who wants to bless me not hurt me… Who can turn something good out of something bad, has changed my whole outlook on life.

For example, with this latest twist in my journey, there have been days when I have struggled with the “why me” of it all and how to do this without Bruce. Yet, in my heart I know I am not alone, and something good can and will come of all this.

Even this week as I have dealt with the aftermath of my second chemo round, I found myself realizing just how blessed I am… Yes, there are side effects. But all told, I have come off pretty easy. Not only that, but once again, I have some amazing people who are here for me… Some physically; some in spirit. I am so blessed to have so many people who check on me, do for me and send messages of encouragement and hope; my life is filled with the gift of presence in so many forms.

For me, these people are my gifts… They are the blessings God has sent to see me through… and I am so very grateful for each and every one…

Thank you for being my blessing in this storm!

What about you? Did you or have you ever struggled with the idea of finding blessing while facing loss? We all know it isn’t easy… How did you come to terms with it? Or do you still need support in that area? Would you be willing to share your story or your thoughts?

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love and Grief… Choosing Laughter

The sun sets at the end of the day.
The sky is pink.
I am reminded of you…
And I smile.
The full moon rises over the trees.
It lights up the world.
I am reminded of you…
And I smile.
The storm rolls in with its dark clouds.
It puts on a show for the world.
I am reminded of you…
And I smile.
The waves crash onto the beach.
There for a moment and then gone again.
I am reminded of you…
And I smile.
All around me life goes on.
I see you in every flower,
And feel you in the stir of the wind.
Your soul reaches out to me to remember…
I do…
And I smile.
~ Linda, October 2013

I remember when I went through my divorce years ago – things remained extremely tense for such a long time. At one point, my mom sent me a CD of a comedian along with a note telling me I “needed to laugh.” As I put the CD into the player of my car, I shook my head thinking, “She doesn’t get it. My life is falling apart… I don’t think I can laugh anymore.” But as is usually the case, I was wrong, and my mom was right. Within a few short minutes, I was laughing so hard, I could barely breathe! What a great release!

When Bruce passed away, I found myself thinking I would never laugh again… every bit of joy was gone from my life. Once again, someone wiser than me counseled me on the importance of finding some joy each day… Not just something to be grateful for (as I’ve discussed in the past), but something to make me smile… and, yes, maybe even laugh.

I will always remember the first time I laughed after Bruce passed away. We were telling “Bruce Stories,” and before I knew it, I found myself laughing at some of the best memories ever! However, as soon as I realized what I was doing, I stopped short. How could I laugh? My world had fallen apart! What in the world did I have to laugh about?

As time passed, I would find myself laughing at little things such as the sayings of my (then) toddler grandson or a joke on the radio. But each time, I would catch myself… and stop. Those same feelings of “what did I have to laugh about?” kept returning… And so many times, I let it steal my joy.

I’m not sure at what point or even who said it, but somewhere on this path, someone suggested that perhaps I needed to give myself permission to laugh. At about the same time, I started reading one of Bruce’s favorite, “go-to” books, The Importance of Living by Lin Yutang. Within the first few pages, he presents the idea that a sense of humor has the function of not letting us “bump our heads against the stone wall of reality.” In other words, to be wise we need to learn to combine our reality with our dreams and a sense of humor.

This opened a door for me… If this book was Bruce’s “go-to” and these were the ideas of the author… perhaps… just perhaps, Bruce, himself, was trying to tell me that I needed to laugh again. Perhaps by giving myself permission to laugh, I was also giving myself permission to heal.

And so I did…

It started slowly. I started retelling stories and sharing memories of Bruce and I that made me laugh. By starting here, I found that I could honor Bruce’s memory and find my healing through laughter all at the same time. I quickly found that other people who knew him, were more than willing to dive in and share their funny stories as well. In fact, not too long ago, one of Bruce’s high school buddies shared a story of their teenage shenanigans that still makes me laugh every time I read it.

What a blessing! I must say that in the past few years, I have learned to be so thankful for the healing gift of laughter and the balance that a sense of humor can bring to our lives each and every day… no matter what our current reality holds.

“If we don’t pause,
the hardships of the world will slowly de-sensitize us from the simple joys that life has to offer.
Stop and take a breath.
Enjoy the moment without needing the moment to be perfect.
Life is what happens between the cracks of perfection.”
~ Erik Wahl

What about you? Did you or have you ever struggled with the idea of laughing in the face of loss? How did you come to terms with it? Or do you still need support in that area? Would you be willing to share your story or your thoughts? Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love and Grief… A Bald Thought

Nope… That’s not a type. I meant to write “bald,” because that’s what’s happened in my world this week.

When I first learned I would need chemo after all, I also learned about many of the side effects my particular “cocktail” could create. People tried to be sweet by telling me stories of friends who never had any side effects… They never missed a day of work, never felt sick or never lost their hair.

It was kind, and their hearts were all in the right place. But there is a truth I learned when Bruce died – everyone’s experience is different… I could hope, but I couldn’t count on that being my experience. Plus, I had already been told my treatment (as described by my oncologist) was a medium aggressive treatment. She had told me I was not going to get through completely unscathed… In particular and without a doubt, the hair was going to go.

I was told to expect it to fall out within 14 – 21 days of the first treatment. So, I was ready… or so I thought. Originally, I took off 4 inches within days of learning about the chemo. Then, last week I cut it into a super short pixie… All to help my brain transition into the idea of being bald.

I knew it was coming. I know it would grow back. And I know it is just hair.

Just like with my grief, my rational side knew the facts. In preparation, I had switched to a gentler shampoo with extra conditioner. I had stopped using any heating tools. In other words, I was doing everything I knew to “baby” my hair in the hopes of it lasting as long as possible. However, in the end, I still knew the inevitable was going to happen.

What I came to realize, though, was that my emotional side wasn’t prepared. How could it be? The last time I had no hair was over 55 years ago, and I didn’t have any self-image issues at the time. In other words, I had no idea how exposed and vulnerable losing my hair was going to leave me feeling.

Up until Thursday (day 14, by the way), my hair seemed to be hanging in there. When I woke up on Thursday, there was nothing on my pillow… nothing to alert me for what happened next. As I brushed my hands through my hair, out came the first handful. My initial thought wasn’t “here it goes.” Nope, my first thought was “Hmmm, that’s really weird.”

Then, I did it again… and again… Each time my hand was filled with hair. I managed to fill up my (plugged) sink four times, before I accepted what I was seeing. Then, almost the same amount came out in the shower. I would like to say, I took a deep breath and just accepted what was, but that isn’t what happened. Instead, I cried… not hard or loud, just silent tears as I continued to dress for the day, as more and more hair fell onto the counter and the floor around me.

As the day progressed, it was hard to keep my hands away from my head. It didn’t hurt. My hair just seemed to be “abandoning ship” at a terrifying rate… And try as I might to remain logical, I learned there was more to it than “just hair.”

I found myself feeling quite powerless, which is a vulnerable feeling. I don’t know about you, but I like my lists, and I like checking things off my list. I like to plan, and I like to be prepared… In other words, I have a need to be in control… Not in control of everyone or everything – just in control of me and those things that are specific to me.

Thankfully, I know me… When I lose that control, I want to hide… That is my go-to behavior. I’m not saying it is the right behavior; I’m just saying it is how I tend to respond. When Bruce died, I made myself go to work after a couple of weeks, mainly because I was scared if I didn’t, I might never leave my house again. Granted, I mostly hid in my office. But, I still scheduled time each day to walk through the office and talk to people just to make myself get out there.

So, on Thursday, when the hair started falling out, I found myself wondering if it would be possible to just stay inside (and hide) for the next several months… I knew it was crazy to get so emotional over hair. I just never realized how attached I was to my hair… I never considered how often I “hide behind my hair and place so much of my own self-worth in this silly mop on my head.

I found myself wondering how Bruce would have reacted… There is a (big) part of me that believes if he were here, he would kiss my little, bald head and tell me how much he loves me. But on Thursday, there was another (very small) part of me that was glad he isn’t here to see me like this… I know that probably sounds weird… After all, I know he loved me, but that is how emotional this balding thing was.

By Thursday evening, though, I knew I needed to do something to pull myself out of the funk I was falling into. I needed to feel like I still had a little bit of power in this whole, crazy thing. That is when I decided to go ahead and shave it off – no more handfuls of hair… no more waiting… and mostly, no more crying.

So that is exactly what I did. On Friday, with my daughter and grandson beside me for support, I went ahead and had my hair dresser buzz it. (So, no… I’m still not squeaky-clean bald, and the tiny little hairs are still falling out each time I rub my head.)

But, the deed is done! So far, using scarves or the wig I bought weeks ago, I have been out to eat, shopping and to church. In other words – I am not hiding. I am fine. On this side of the experience, I keep thinking it’s so crazy how much power I gave my hair in my own self-esteem. After all, I’m still me! I don’t feel or think any different. Well… except when I look in the mirror. Because it takes a while to register that it is me in the reflection, I end up giggling every time.

This current twist on my journey is taking quite a bit of adjustment. But what I’m finding is the lessons I have learned in my grief for Bruce are giving me the strength to see this through. I can do this… and not only will I be okay… I believe I will be stronger for it in the end!

Everyone deals with loss, grief and the hurdles of life in their own way. How we handle the pain and deal with the challenges on our journey is different for each of us. As for me, I still stumble, but I keep getting back up and trying again… I am still learning. So, I guess I will just keep praying for the peace and strength to make through each day.

Does any of this sound familiar to you? If so, would you be willing to share your story with us? There may be someone out there who needs to hear exactly what you have to say…

If you are struggling with grief, loss, loneliness, please know you are not alone – We are here. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. * Who knows… your story may the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief