“How do I live without your love? One breath at a time…” ~ Linda, December 2013
As another week ends and a new begins, I find myself back here… writing to you. Just sharing my thoughts and experiences. In the beginning when I started this blog, that was my purpose. To simply share my experience as a widow. At the time, there seemed to only be a lot of advice for widows… a lot of “how it should be” and “how I should respond,” but not a lot of “this is how it truly feels” or “this is my experience.” When I did happen to find one of those, I read it ravenously, looking for anything that might sound similar to my own experience… Anything that would help me feel like my own reaction was normal. Now it is several years later and here I am, still doing this same thing and for the same reason.
Here’s the thing… I remember the shock of the first few weeks and all of the awfulness of that first year. I remember hating holidays or any special day that (for me) had become nothing more than another reminder that Bruce was gone. I remember when year two started, and from what I had read, I was “supposed” to feel better – all of the “firsts” without Bruce were behind me and life “should” move on. However, it really wasn’t that way for me, which only left me feeling like I was doing something wrong… that I couldn’t even manage to grieve “correctly.”
Please don’t judge my grief.
Don’t compare it to your own or someone else’s.
You see what I choose to let you see,
(Except in those moments when it overflows
And pours from my soul.)
I may smile.
I may walk with my chin up,
But you do not know what pain is growing on the inside…
Consuming my soul.
It is easy to where you do
And decide I am fine.
But you would be wrong.
You see what I choose to let you see.
My pain is there.
It is real.
I deal with it all day, every day.
Do not believe this mask I wear…
~ Linda, June 2014
It was a few months later that I started working with a life coach. I’m not saying that is the right path for everyone, but it was right for me. Surprisingly, we actually didn’t even talk about grief that often. Instead, it was a lot of conversation about being the “best me” I could be in any given moment. It was about analyzing how and why I reacted to the things around me, while also giving myself the grace to feel whatever I was feeling.
That was when I reached the point where I knew I needed to find my voice. I needed to simply put my own experiences out there for anyone who might need to know that whatever they were experiencing or not experiencing, it was “normal” … Whatever they were feeling or not feeling, it was okay. The books filled with advice, the hours in support groups, the people around me with their own expectations – all of that was a nice place to start. However, it wasn’t the “be all end all.” It wasn’t law or dogma; it was simply advice… And that means, when all is said and done, you can take it or leave it.
It reminds me a lot of having children. There are a lot of “experts” out there who have written books on parenting. There are also dozens of people who are more than ready to give you advice and tell you how you should parent – quick to judge, slow to listen. There are even people who have never had children who do this using the words, “If I were a parent, I would …” (Fill in the blank accordingly.)
Well, losing a loved one and grieving – whether it is a spouse, a child, a sibling, a parent, a friend, whomever it is – is remarkably similar. There are “experts” with books and ideas, and people with experience and without experience who want to tell you how it should be done… And maybe I am the same, because here is what I have to say to all of that…
“Give yourself permission to take a path that is yours, and don’t worry if it is different than everyone else’s… Be true to you, because in the end, you are the only one with in your situation, and you are the only one who knows.”
So alone…
No one to talk to…
No one to understand…
How do I explain these feelings to someone who’s never been here?
How do I go on? …
I’m so tired…
So tired of smiling when I don’t feel it.
So tired of listening to everyone else.
No one listens…
Do they care?
Or is it that they just don’t notice?
They can’t tell this smile is empty…
This heart is frozen…
Dead…
But no one notices…
No one sees…
~ Linda, March 2015
Grief is one of those things I wouldn’t wish on anyone. For me, it has been the most challenging journey I have experienced. It has broken me down to the roots of my soul and has taken me years to feel any semblance of “normal.” I believe that sometimes we feel like this journey is nothing more than a very lonely path, especially since it is so different for each of us. However, our love for those we have lost is something we all share. I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.
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