You may have noticed that I was MIA last weekend. I was in SC for the life celebration of my cousin that I wrote about the week before. Sometimes, I’m not quite sure how to describe those events. Obviously, they are for the living. It is a chance to share stories, tears, and hugs.
For all of the cousins, there was the realization that moving forward, we want to go back to having a “Cousins’ Reunion” at least once a year. Somewhere along the way, we let the busy-ness of life take hold and that yearly time together dissipated… But the love we always shared was still there, and so is the resolve to do better… to love better.
The day after, one of my daily readings was about grief and the act of mourning. (Talk about perfect timing!) In it, the author, who is a Native American, wrote about how the different ways humans express their grief. For example, here in America, we tend to expect people to “get over it” quickly or at the very least to grieve quietly. While is other cultures, professional mourners are actually hired to wail and cry in an effort to help the bereaved release their own grief.
I think, for me, I needed the latter when Bruce died… I think that maybe some of my anger, which I struggled to even acknowledge, was due to the unsaid expectations of others to grieve quietly and leave them out of it… After all, it made people very uncomfortable.
However, I have always been the one to feel all the things, and usually, that comes out in the form of tears… uncontrolled, big, fat tears. As a child, my poor mother was always trying to teach me not to cry. I can’t tell you how many times I heard “It’s time for you to grow up and learn to control those tears.” (Anyone who knows me can tell you…that didn’t work.) Instead, no matter how hard I fight it, the tears come. Then, I am embarrassed, which makes me cry more. Sigh… It’s ridiculous. (At the same time, my blood pressure is great! LOL!)
Personally, I think the pressure to “hide” my grief played a big role in how long it has taken me to find my way forward. Sure… for some people, quiet mourning is probably what is best for them. At the same time, I think we would all be a lot better off if we also accepted that we are all different. Meaning that others (like me) may need to express our grief more openly… without shame or fear of negative response from others.
In my opinion, the Native Americans got it right. So much of their Ancestral wisdom hits my soul with how simple and right it is, and their wisdom about grief is no different. For example…
“The purpose of mourning was to empty the burden of grief from the bodies of those who remained behind. Our Wise Ancestors understood that grieving was a part of the healing process.” ~ Jamie Sams, Earth Medicine
Maybe one day, our different cultures will come to realize that just as birth and death are a part of life, so are the joy and grief that accompanies each of those events. Maybe we will learn to accept each person’s needs in grief as easily as we accept their joy in life.
____________________________________________________
Grief is a daily challenge that changes us in ways we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone.
I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.
Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone.
Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*
This is a weekly blog; for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief
* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.