I’m not sure what is happening in the universe, but my goodness!! Did anyone else have a week that just felt like everything is spinning faster and faster out of control? ‘Cause I sure did… (and breathe…)
Some of it was just work stuff… Nothing bad happened just a lot of deadlines and we are down a person, so the load is a bit heavier. At the same time, everyone wants their projects completed before the end of the year, which ups the pressure a bit more. (Normal for Q4, but exhausting.)
Then, add to that my struggle to focus because of all this stuff with Bruce. I really thought I was in such a better place this past year… I felt stronger… more confident… Hopeful even. Then, to find out Bruce knew for over a year that he was dying… That has really thrown me into what feels like a tsunami of grief (and anger) all over again.
I keep trying all kinds of things…
This week I read about an old Lakota traditional ceremony for handling grief. I plan to try it this coming week… If it helps, I will share it with you… but not until I have the time to try it for myself without the pressure to “hurry up” from the outside world.
So… I keep on keeping on… I keep trying to smile and act like all is well, because how ridiculous is it to be angry with a dead man. I know it is ridiculous. I know I need to move past this. I just can’t seem to find the path to get there.
I will say, though, that I think I got a little bit of an answer today… and it even felt like it came from Bruce… Or maybe I just want to think it came from Bruce. (It doesn’t really matter… If it brings me some comfort, I’m good with that.)
So today, I was talking to one of my friends about something completely different. He was making sure I ‘felt heard’ about something entirely different. I was saying that I definitely felt heard, but I was sorry if I made him feel otherwise. Then, I mentioned that it has been rough few weeks, and I explained why. His response came without any hesitation… “Guys are just dumb sometimes.”
I burst out laughing… Oh my gosh!! That was exactly the kind of thing Bruce would have said… It was exactly the kind of thing Bruce did say… Many times. Then, he would follow it with something about how guys think they are doing a good thing, even the right thing, but sometimes it just goes sideways. (Which was almost exactly what my friend said too.)
I don’t know if this is a standard guy response… and honestly, it doesn’t matter. For me in that moment, it felt like Bruce was trying to reach out and say, “Hey, I messed up.”
He may have even added an “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for it to go off the rails like it has.” (Yes, I know I am embellishing that a lot.) At the same time, I know how these conversations used to go, so it makes sense in my head.
My friend went on after that and talked about finding a road to forgiveness… I know that is what I am actually looking for. I also know that I don’t need Bruce to be here nor do I need to hear him say he’s sorry for me to forgive him. Forgiveness is for my own peace of mind – not his.
So maybe I am on the right path after all… and maybe after I try this ceremony, I’ll be able to find my way out of this tsunami of grief and emotions that has left me reeling… I at least have some hope, which is more than I had this morning.
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Grief is a daily challenge that changes us in ways we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone.
I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.
Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone.
Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*
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