“I want to dig a hole with my bare hands and stay there in a field and in the damp cold, and tell the world that I am so angry, so sad, so longing, I can hardly breathe.” ~ Sarah Bessey, Out of Sorts
It is just a few days until the 9th anniversary of Bruce’s death, and I am struggling. I have cried more in the last week, than I can remember for a long time. I may tell the world I am fine… But on the inside, I am crumbling… absolutely crumbling.
Even though that date is still a few days away, already that seems to be the one thing I can’t stop thinking about. It’s so strange, I know. One minute I feel okay – I may even be laughing – and the next, all I want to do is cry… That’s all I really want to do – just let go and cry… and cry… and cry… until there are no more tears left to cry.
All I can think about is that night… Watching him die… trying everything I knew to help him… but failing… I failed! I called 911, did CPR, watched as EMS took over… And yet, that damn line on that machine stayed flat. No matter what they tried, it never moved. He was gone… I knew he was gone, but I didn’t want to know.
I remember the ride to the hospital, and the doctor’s words, “He’s gone.” I remember all of it – the lights, the smells, all the different people sent to “comfort” me… But there was no comfort. It was more like walking through a bad dream. You know that kind I’m talking about? The kind of dream where everything is just awful, and no matter how hard you try, you just can’t wake up. Everyone around you is busy and talking, as if everything were absolutely normal. But you know… it’s all wrong…
And it still feels that way. It still feels wrong to be here without him.
I hate this… I really do. I have so much I want to tell him… so much I want to share with him… But I can’t… And when I remember that I hurt and I cry all over again. The total despair I have felt since that night… the despair I can’t seem to shake seems to haunt the corners of every thought during this time of year.
Everyone else is talking about the new year and resolutions and new beginnings… And all I can think is I just need to survive this again… My world will never know the kind of joy we shared again… And when I realize that MY. HEART. HURTS.
It seems like every year, (even though on all the other days, I feel I am doing better), these days are a struggle. They are a reminder of my greatest loss… and my greatest failure.
I know I need to pull myself together. I need to make myself think of other things. Yet, I think that in order to pick up the pieces of my heart and move forward, I may need to let myself spend a few days feeling what I feel without worrying about what someone else thinks.
Yes… it has been nine years. At the same time, though, it still hurts like it was yesterday. I don’t know how to stop that hurt… All I know is I still love him… And I believe I will always love him.
Grief is hard. It changes us in ways we could never have prepared for, and in ways no one else might understand. This journey is not an easy path for anyone… and this time of year, for me, it is definitely a little bit harder. I don’t think any of us wants to on this path, but this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Life is now filled with challenges I never imagined. Each time I think I have it figured out; I find I don’t at all, despite the years since Bruce passed. This next few week will hold a huge challenge for me. My goal is to let myself feel what I feel. At the same time, my other goal is to look at this life before me and find the joy and the hope life holds… And to hold onto that with everything I have.
Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.
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