I remember when I joined a local Grief Support Group… It was five years ago… a mere two weeks after Bruce passed away. There were some interesting topics up for discussion each week… Things I had never even thought about until Bruce was gone. I felt so discombobulated because even the most basic and simple things in life had suddenly become a struggle. These were the things up for discussion… And I learned a lot through those discussions.
For the most part, I usually agreed with the leader and the majority of the group. However, there were also times when I didn’t… But I was okay with that… After all, they kept reiterating that grief is an individual thing… No two people would ever have the exact same grief experience because each relationship we had lost was different. That was the encouragement I needed at a time when I felt I was losing my grip on reality.
However, of all those discussions, the one I still remember with the most clarity was about “the box.”
When it first came up, I didn’t even know what they were talking about. What box? Everyone else in the room seemed to know exactly what was meant by “the box,” but I was only two weeks on this journey and had no idea. Then, the girl next to me leaned over and asked if I had faced that moment yet… What moment? What box?…
She shook her head and let the tears fall as she explained that even a year later, she still could not manage to check that dreaded Marital Status box labeled “Widowed.” Up until that moment, I hadn’t even thought about that… Filling out forms is such a mundane part of everyday life. We do it all the time – online, in doctor offices, for purchases, and the list goes on and on.
Then, the thought hit me – from that moment forward, every time I filled out a form with personal information, I would be confronted with the reminder that “Bruce is gone, and I am here alone”… From that moment forward, I would no longer check the “Married” box… Instead, I would need to check the “Widowed” box. But that felt so wrong! I still felt married…
As soon as I got home that night, I decided to take this one by the horns and tackle it right away. There was only one place I could think of at that moment where “the box” would be… I opened my Face Book account and changed my status from “Married” to “Widowed.” I just wanted to go ahead and get that first time out of the way.
As I hit “Save,” I realized I had done it… It was in the safety and privacy of my own home… our home. The tears fell, and the sobs were loud, but I did it… And I did it on my terms… Not in some office surrounded by strangers, but in our space… A space filled with reminders of our love.
Over the years, I have filled out tons of forms. I have checked that box so many times I’ve lost count. Yet, each time I still find myself choking up and fighting to maintain my emotions. I remind myself that it is only a form… To the rest of the world, it is simply an annoyance… nothing more. The idea of someone getting emotional over a form is just plain weird. So… I check the box and move on.
Until this week…
In preparation for a doctor’s appointment, I was sent a stack of paperwork to fill out… I expected it… It was no surprise. However, the surprise came when I got to the “Marital Status” section. My choices were “Married,” “Divorced,” or “Single.” Wait?? What?? Where was the “Widowed” box? I had to think about it…
Divorced doesn’t fit at all, and technically, I’m not married… But single? No, I don’t think of myself as single… That doesn’t work at all. In fact, if I am honest, I still feel married. So, what do you call it when you still feel married, but your spouse has died?… Oh, yeah… You call that widowed!
I was really shocked that the box was missing, but it took me less than 30 seconds to decide what to do. I added a box, wrote “Widowed,” and checked it.
It’s funny… For so many years, I have dreaded that box. Every time I have checked it, my stomach has lurched just a bit. Yet, when the box wasn’t there, I felt lost. I didn’t quite know what to do. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to say I love that box. After all, it’s still a reminder that the person I love is no longer here. Instead, I guess that box and I will always have a love/hate relationship. Yet, when I get down to it – that’s who I am…
It is where life has landed me, and I guess finally accepting that is a step forward in its own way.
Each of us dealing with loss knows what a tough road this can be. I don’t think it is ever an easy one to accept. It’s not what we planned or what we wanted. Often it is in the everyday simple things where we are reminded of our loss and grief. Learning to accept even those small moments can present its own challenges. Have you ever felt that way? Would you be willing to share your story or thoughts? To do so, go to the comments and leave a note. *
Who knows… your story may the answer for someone else.
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