“That’s what people never tell you, about the real fundamental, life-giving stuff you lose when someone you love leaves. You lose the part of you that only they knew. You lose some of your story. It simply dies.” ~ John Pavolitz
Bruce… God I miss him. While I have a few close friends (some related to me, some not), there is a part of me that only he knew. For whatever reason, he was the one I trusted with certain parts of my soul. He was the one who knew the secrets I was too shy or too scared to share with anyone else… And he loved me anyway. In many ways, he knew me better than I know myself… (Although, his legacy and this journey since he died have continually opened a lot of those doors for me.)
I think that is why it has been such a struggle since he died… Because that loss of self is so real and so true. I didn’t just lose Bruce that night. When I look at all the spaces he filled in my world, I come to realize that I also lost a thousand other things when he died. And one of the hardest is the fact that I lost a part of my own story that night.
It felt as if, suddenly, the book was finished. It was done. There was no ending – only a beautiful beginning and a wonderful storyline that for some reason just stopped. It was over, and I never found the resolution that should have come with the fairy tale I was living. We had lived “happily,” but I had lost my “happily ever after.” Instead, the story was over, which included a big part of my story, as well.
I guess that’s a part of the grieving process… Trying to find my own story again. It’s hard. I spent years feeling hopeless and lost. Then, I would tentatively take a step or two forward, but honestly, there is a guilt that comes with that. I can’t explain it, but for so long, I felt guilty for living my life while knowing that Bruce’s life was over.
As the years have passed, I have learned to move forward. I have learned my triggers that will spiral me deep down into grief, and I have learned how to push myself forward even when I don’t feel like it… But it’s still not easy. It’s a process.
“Widowhood is the long learning to do without the presence of the loved one. It is a task demanding the utmost patience, and a willingness to look, again and again, at those paths and places where the loved one walked, sat, lived, and slept, and does so no more.” ~ Martha Hickman, Healing After Loss
I imagine it might seem a bit frustrating to those around me. It’s probably hard to understand…
After all, I’m not who I was… I can’t be. For their sakes, I wish I could… That would probably be easier. But that story ended over seven years ago, and no matter how hard I try or how much I wish, I can’t go back. I know I’m different now. But aren’t we all? Don’t we all change and grow throughout our lives? Isn’t that what we are supposed to do? Granted, for some of us it might be a more sudden or extreme change, but none of us are the same person we were seven years ago.
Even now, there are times when I still feel so alone on this journey… so out of sync with everyone else around me… But that’s okay… I’m okay. Ultimately, life is a process… an on-going story. Yes, a chapter of my story ended and with it a big part of my story is gone… but not the whole story. No… My story is still being written… I just need to be patient.
I am so thankful for all the people who have supported me through the years… All those who have loved me and accepted that this is now a part of who I am. They have been a big part of my healing and their love has allowed me to keep putting one foot in front of the other. What about you? Have you ever struggled to find support in the midst of your grief? Let us know… We would love to hear from you. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know that, as well. We are here for you.
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